When falling in love passes and the first passions subside, the question arises: is this really what many films, books and songs are devoted to? Is this just a habit? Why does love pass? How do you understand that the feelings have passed and nothing can be fixed? Read about it in my article on the website!
The birth of love is a wonderful period. Every timid glance and accidental touch of hands causes a storm of emotions. But time passes, and dates under the moon are replacing everyday affairs, and instead of flirty SMS, partners send each other dry reminders to go to the store or pay bills. Does this mean that the feelings have faded?
What it is?
Falling in love is a positive feeling that arises when looking at the object of sympathy.
Consciousness at this moment narrows, which leads to ignoring the shortcomings of the object.
A person idealizes him and pays attention only to his positive qualities.
This feeling is hope for possible happiness. A person experiences a bright feeling that inspires him, gives birth to love for life and everything around him.
However, a lover most often experiences feelings not for a real person, but for her image that he represents. He becomes dependent on the object of his adoration.
At the physical level, this phenomenon is explained by the functioning of certain glands in the human body.
The hormone dopamine leads to a powerful surge of emotions. It helps a person move towards his goal, overcoming obstacles.
The choice is ours.
But there is also good news. We can choose a different option for the development of relationships, when after falling in love comes something more that can be called love. To do this, you need to make a choice in favor of reality, sacrificing your illusions, and decide to get to know the other person in the real way, as he is. And then, when we see him without embellishment, with all his weaknesses and shortcomings, revealed to us without masks and protections, then the time for real magic will come. Then we will have a choice - to see the best that is in him and appreciate - to love, or to devalue everything and decide that love is gone. Loving your fictional ideal is simple. But continuing to love a real person, having gotten to know him in different ways and recognizing that you will never know or understand him to the end, is much more interesting.
What are the signs?
Recognizing a person in love is quite simple ; the following signs help:
- obsessive thoughts about the object of adoration,
- frequent mood swings,
- insomnia,
- rash acts,
- redness of the face when the object of adoration appears in the room,
- loss of appetite,
- "glitter" in the eyes,
- cardiopalmus,
- anxiety, shyness.
In addition, a person partially loses the ability to think logically. He makes rash decisions and does stupid things.
It can be very difficult to concentrate on anything. Some people are drawn to creativity. They become inspired to write poetry, music, and paintings.
Signs of falling in love:
Where do bright feelings come from?
The most important role in the generation of passion and intense romantic feelings is played by The neurobiology of love dopamine, writes Semir Zeki, professor of neurobiology at University College London. By acting on certain receptors in the brain, this neurotransmitter motivates us to fulfill our desires and achieve goals - usually they are associated with something useful for life. For example, with reproduction (respectively, the desire to acquire an object of passion) or with obtaining new knowledge, impressions, experience: the better you know the situation and the more you can do, the higher the chances of survival.
Dopamine is associated with the joy of new experiences, travel, overcoming danger, the desire to grow in salary and my desire to finish this article. Dopamine and monogamy receptors for dopamine D2 are responsible for our love impulses - they are backed up by D1, which block interest in other potential partners.
So, we abandon friends, lose productivity, cannot tear ourselves away from each other, orgasms make our vision darken. But this is temporary.
Difference from love
There are several important differences:
- What attracts. When falling in love, a person’s physical characteristics are attracted, and love implies a craving for personality and internal qualities. Physical attraction is also there, but fades into the background.
- How it develops. Falling in love develops quickly, but love develops slowly. It is impossible to love a person without getting to know him.
- Interest . When falling in love, it flares up and then goes out, love speaks of more permanent feelings.
- Impact on humans . Falling in love plunges a person into dreams, he ceases to be responsible. Love reveals the best qualities of a person and causes the desire to become better.
- Breakups . Time and distance will lead to the disappearance of love; a person will quickly forget the object of adoration. True love will last even at a distance. People will love each other even if they separate for a while. The feelings will become even stronger, intensify.
- The basis of feelings . If this is love, a person cares only about himself, dreams of his own happiness. If this is love, a person strives to make another happy. He gives more than he receives.
An important detail that many people forget: there is no such thing as love at first sight, there is only falling in love. In any case, it will take time for love to be born. Falling in love is the first step on the path to true love.
How to distinguish love from infatuation? Find out from the video:
Stages of power struggle
At some point the couple finds themselves in this dysfunctional state. They have no starting points, they don’t understand how and why it started, when it will end, where all their dreams suddenly went. Complete chaos. This condition is likened by psychologists to the loss of a loved one. Indeed, all the myths about the partner have collapsed. And the first reaction to this:
Shock
Such grandiose plans led to such terrible devastation. My brain begins to be torn by thoughts: “This is not at all who I need, how could I have made such a mistake.” In general, both find themselves broke, and their future life seems full of pain and loneliness.
Negation
“No, it can’t be that I got myself into such a mess, it all seems to me, it’s temporary. And these qualities of hers are truly good.” They cannot come to terms with the situation and begin to interpret the negative traits of their partner.
Frustration.
You won't be able to deny reality for long. All the same, the whole personality of the partner will come out with all its qualities, no matter how hard you try to cover it up and explain it. Often people stop at this stage and live with anger and dissatisfaction.
Making a secret deal
“If you pay more attention to me, I will manage the house better.” “If you allow me to go away with friends more often, I will be with the children more often,” etc.
Despair
The pain lasted too long, there was no hope for a bright future together. At this stage, 60% are preparing for divorce, 35% end up in a “conditional divorce” (find satisfaction outside the home) and only 5% find the strength to start working on the relationship.
3 year hypothesis
Why do they say that love lasts two or three years? There is a theory that love lasts three years. In fact, there is some truth in it , but not the whole truth.
In the first three years of a relationship, people feel intense passion and euphoria. Feelings can be bright, intense, and literally bind people to each other.
However, feelings gradually weaken, people get used to each other, and begin to see shortcomings. This leads to quarrels, scandals, which lead to emotional wounds.
As a result, love disappears, but leaving a loved one can sometimes be very difficult. People get used to each other , become attached, and remember joyful moments.
If in this case a person tries to understand his soulmate, accepts her shortcomings, a real feeling will be born that can last a lifetime.
People will enter a new stage of relationships. Three years later, love does not end, but is just beginning .
Euphoria, head in the clouds and selfishness disappear. People begin to care about each other and become truly close. Even without euphoria, they continue to be together, enjoying each other's company.
How to prove to a girl that you love her? Advice from psychologists will help you!
Is it true that love lasts 3 years? Expert opinion:
The desire to appear better.
Moreover, we all want to appear better than we really are. And some more, some less, but we strive to please others (especially if we liked those around us) and for this we “present” ourselves in the most advantageous light, demonstrating our strengths and “covering up” our shortcomings. We live in a society that shapes our ideas about what qualities are approved and what are not. In our quest for acceptance and approval, we unknowingly or unknowingly put on masks that represent what we think others want to see in us. We play roles and for the time being it helps us. As long as the relationship remains formal.
When will the passion subside?
Passion is a vivid feeling that arises in both men and women. Despite the fact that passion can literally control a person and tie him to his soulmate, it cannot last forever.
Its duration depends on the person himself, his character traits, interests, and personality traits. According to psychologists, passion lasts from several weeks to one year.
Passion without love disappears quickly, this especially often happens when a couple begins to live together. Cohabitation is the best way to get to know your soulmate and not everything will suit you.
If previously a person felt passion and elevated the object of adoration , then during cohabitation he falls from heaven to earth and understands that the object of adoration is a completely ordinary, real person who is in many ways not ideal.
Why is everything falling apart?
In the following articles we will analyze all the points in detail, while we will identify them. 5 causes of conflicts leading to power struggles.
Because of expectations
What destructive expectations do they place on each other? There's a whole complex of them. Both expect their partner to behave in a certain way.
There are two types of expectations.
- The tip of the iceberg is conscious expectations,
- there are a lot of subconscious expectations hidden even from the person himself.
In a partner, a person sees a lover, a mommy (daddy), a savior angel, and a psychotherapist. A person has entire lists of what he believes should be satisfied (the set of these expectations is called the “magnet image”).
Because of the taboos and prohibitions of childhood
The “magnet image” (which determines who we fall for), in addition to the collective image of parents, also contains taboos - childhood prohibitions and, for some reason, undeveloped and hidden sides of the personality. Each of us is looking for someone who would compensate for these aspects, our lack of creativity or inability to make decisions. This, as a rule, does not happen, which gives rise to a power struggle.
Moreover, this forbidden quality of a partner, which initially attracted him, begins to infuriate him. There is a person nearby who constantly activates the forbidden parts of consciousness.
Because of childhood wounds. They start to worry if the partner looks like their parents
It is not uncommon for the daughter of an alcoholic to discover that her husband is an alcoholic. But often the connections are not so noticeable.
For example: in the wife’s family, dad’s silence meant that he was angry and would soon take it out on her. Then she had a silent husband. For her, silence was associated with danger, and she was constantly angry with him. But it turned out that she just had a loving, silent husband.
Due to accusations of one's own shortcomings
The situation is aggravated by the fact that they begin to blame others for their shortcomings in order to avoid correcting them. People criticize their own bad qualities in others in order to expel them from their souls, hiding them from themselves, and avoid working on themselves. To do this, they often subconsciously find a partner with a similar flaw (this is the 8th type of pseudo-love).
As feelings decline, we begin to notice simply negative qualities of our partner.
The partner becomes a source of pain. All this leads to military action.
Do feelings go away over time and what can you do to maintain them?
Passion pushes people to start a family. However, when faced with home life and family problems, love leaves. People stop feeling attracted to each other and decide to separate. This happens if there are a lot of routine matters and quarrels in family relationships that are not discussed further. Without communication, resentment and anger accumulate, which only intensifies scandals over time.
However, there are couples who, after going through many obstacles and difficulties, were able to preserve their love. Often the reason for the disappearance of passion is a change in tastes and preferences. A person changes his worldview, develops and begins to notice that his partner does not share his opinion. Against this backdrop, disagreements emerge. To maintain a relationship, you need to discuss life situations with your partner and try to look at the world through his eyes. Understanding and concessions will help save love.
Even couples who have lived a long life together have encountered difficult situations and quarrels. However, they were able to understand their partners and compromise, which became a decisive step in their relationship. Dating and traveling can help you escape your routine. They will allow you to distract yourself and take a breath, but you need to continue to work, develop relationships, strengthening them.
READ How different zodiac signs fall in love and which of them is the most romantic
Statistics say that more than 40% of couples break up after 3 years, as falling in love passes. This shows that many people cannot cope with such difficulties. However, an equally sad picture emerges with relationships lasting more than 7 years. According to statistics, they are destroyed in 60-70% of cases. This happens because couples stop working on their relationship and focus on their partner's shortcomings.
Professional psychologists advise communicating with each other more often. You need to be sincere about your plans and goals. You need to learn to admit your own mistakes and listen to your partner. It is important to understand that he wants to help you become better than you are, and not to reproach you for any action.
Falling in love appears and disappears suddenly. It is necessary to rebuild in time to be ready to move the relationship to the next level. As a rule, falling in love lasts from 7 days to 3 years, after which it develops into love. However, this does not always happen. Some couples are not ready for such a load. Not wanting to understand each other and make concessions, they break up. Relationships will help preserve understanding. You need to learn to hear your partner and compromise.
When true love begins
How long falling in love will last, and when love begins, directly depends on the couple. These are individual indicators. Over time, a strong attachment arises, a trusting relationship is formed, but falling in love begins to subside. You will see flaws in your partner that you had not noticed before, and you will stop idealizing him.
If at the beginning of the relationship you were attracted to a person’s physical characteristics, now the basis of attraction will be the person’s personal positions and his spiritual world. At this time, feelings should develop into love, but it happens that the couple separates. Not everyone can cope with changes in relationships. If love has nevertheless formed, then people in love begin to care about each other even more, and shortcomings cease to be the causes of conflict situations. This strong feeling can be carried throughout your life, then over time it will only become stronger.
READ Declaration of love to your wife: features, rules of presentation, ideas
Responsibility
If a loving man decides to stay with friends after work, he will definitely inform his wife about this. Not because of the “heel”. But because he understands: his wife will worry about his long absence. Or perhaps she will wait a long time, not going to bed or having dinner without him.
If a girl wants to buy herself another dress, realizing that the budget is limited and her boyfriend urgently needs a new shirt, she will hold off on buying her item. Because he knows: she still has several dresses, but his old clothes are no longer good for anything and clearly require updating.
To love means to accept responsibility for the feelings and well-being of your partner.
The actions of a loving person do not contradict the main principles of her couple. She respects the opinion of her loved one and always takes him into account. “Will I hurt you?”, “Will this be good for us?”, even “How will this affect his/her image?” — phrases that indicate love.
How common hobbies transform into desire
According to the two-factor theory of emotions Two-factor theory of emotions - Wikipedia and the Excitation-transfer theory, the brain has an interesting tendency to interpret average-intensity sensations depending on the context. This was first proven in an experiment with two bridges. Two groups of men walked across different bridges: a stable one and a shaky one. In both cases, the participants were met by an attractive girl who asked questions from the questionnaire and left her number. Men who met a girl on a dangerous bridge called and made an appointment more often.
Researchers believe that in a relatively safe situation, the brain is able to mistake mild fear for excitement (if there is someone exciting nearby) and happily spend the produced dopamine on it. This may work with other stimuli and neurotransmitters as well.
In another experiment, Enhancement of Experienced Sexual Arousal in Response to Erotic Stimuli Through Misattribution of Unrelated Residual Excitation, subjects from different groups first received physical activity - light, moderate and strong - and then watched erotica. Participants in the second group became aroused the fastest. The remnants of excitement caused by sports, at the right opportunity, were transformed into sexual desire.
Duration of feeling
Psychologists say that feelings of euphoria and passion dull over time. Girls should know how long a man's love can actually last in order to be emotionally prepared for future changes in the relationship. When communicating with a loved one, your palms sweat, your heartbeat quickens and excitement arises, which indicates the development of feelings. However, over time, these sensations go away. For men, this happens after 2-4 years of relationship.
READ How to stop loving someone you love very much: advice from a psychologist
Falling in love lasts longer, but at the same time it has an exhausting effect. In other words, a person begins to experience severe fatigue. He may change in character and even become aggressive. Scientists also calculated how many years it takes for women to fall in love. A girl can be in love with a guy for 3 years and not experience much mental stress.
This time is enough to form strong relationships, which will subsequently move to a new level. Of course, falling in love can be carried throughout your entire life if you constantly develop and warm up your feelings.
