Self-assessment: trainings, tests. How to love yourself and increase self-esteem: advice from a psychologist

September 22, 2018
Self-esteem
Svetlana Semak

Why can't some people accept themselves? What is the cause of distorted self-esteem? Trainings and self-hypnosis will help cope with the problem. You just need to decide. The level of self-esteem can be overestimated, real and underestimated. Girls more often experience negative emotions towards themselves, that is, their assessment of their personality is lower than the one that people give them. However, you should not get depressed about this.

If there is willpower, no internal or external obstacles can lead a person astray from his path. There are many ways to help yourself.

High and low self-esteem. Why is this happening?

Self-esteem is the perception of yourself, your strengths and weaknesses. There are two extremes - too low and unjustifiably high self-esteem. Both are bad. It is better when the perception of oneself in society is adequate.

What happens in the soul of a person with low self-esteem? From childhood, a person gets used to being assessed negatively, being pulled back, criticized, and corrected. Teachers and parents are not always able to recognize the talent in a child. And then, as an adult, he or she does not consider himself worthy of a good job or a successful life partner.

People with high self-esteem are those children who received the best gifts for all the holidays, who were the center of attention of their parents for many years.

Essentially about training

Training for developing self-confidence and increasing self-esteem is a psychological course that will help everyone become more decisive. People come to us to fight shyness in a variety of life situations:

before taking a serious exam;
having trouble finding a job;
with difficulties in building relationships;
for problems of interpersonal communications in the family;
before the first big or important presentation;
simply tired of any troubles in life (for example, being sometimes unable to firmly answer “no”).

The list can be continued indefinitely, complexes actually lie at the center of a huge number of unpleasant events. It has no color, shape or smell, but those around them seem to feel it.

Mark of uncertainty

Just as many vices come from a lack of self-respect as from too much self-respect (Michel Montaigne)

By the way, they really feel complex. Because uncertainty is part of the system of opinions that a person has formed about himself. And if he does not believe in himself, then other people, often just as shy and self-conscious, simply do not find the strength or desire to argue with him.

At the training you will be able to discover the problem of self-distrust, find its roots and radically change the situation. In 9 out of 10 cases, the result becomes noticeable even in appearance.

Self-esteem diagnostics

You can self-diagnose your level of self-esteem. To do this, you need to honestly answer several questions. It is useful for everyone to take a self-esteem test. It might look like this.

Do you have thoughts about starting your life over (“yes” - 4 points, “no” - 16 points)?
Do you have a favorite thing or hobby (“yes” - 18 points, “no” - 5 points)?
Do you think that troubles at work happen only to you (“yes” - 6 points, “no” - 12 points)?
Do you rejoice when people envy you (“yes” - 16 points, “no” - 2 points)?
Will your self-esteem suffer if you are called boring (“yes” - 3 points, “no” - 12 points)?
When your friends have the same problems as you, does this comfort you (“yes” - 2 points, “no” - 16 points)?
If you find out that things are going better without your participation in the project, will you be upset (“yes” - 2 points, “no” - 16 points)?
How often do you want to buy a lottery ticket (“yes” - 4 points, “no” - 20 points)?
Do you envy the expensive purchases of your family and friends (“yes” - 1 point, “no” - 20 points)?
Do you like to express your opinion to a large number of people (“yes” - 16 points, “no” - 3 points)?

Let's summarize. A score of more than 120 points indicates inflated self-esteem, from 60 to 120 indicates normal self-esteem, and below 60 indicates underestimated self-esteem.

The level of self-assessment of an individual is visible to a psychologist from afar. Anyone who experiences a feeling of insecurity, inferiority, always lowers his head when he walks. His shoulders are hunched, his back is hunched. During communication, a person with complexes often lowers his eyes; he cannot withstand the gaze of a stronger person.

List of good events

Get a notebook and write down all the good things that happen to you for two weeks.

Make a list of pleasant events every day, then analyze it.
How many of these events were caused by the initiative of other people?
How many of them occurred on your initiative?
How many good events have there been?
What is needed for there to be more of them?

From today, whenever something good happens, do not lose sight of this event and do not deny yourself the pleasure of enjoying it.

Advertising

Factors influencing self-esteem

There are several important factors that determine how a person treats himself.

His body and behavior give him away:

The first factor is how a person takes care of his body, how he dresses.
Level of aspiration. A woman or man who does not respect himself will go to work in a job he doesn’t like with a small but constant salary. These are the statistics. Only an individual who truly believes in his uniqueness is capable of achievement.
Level of competence and professionalism. To achieve a better salary and a better social environment, you need to develop professionalism.
Environment - how confident his friends and relatives are.
Level of stress experienced. If anxiety is elevated all the time, then, undoubtedly, a person will not set high goals for himself and achieve them.
Self-doubts and fears. Everyone has fears, but normally they do not prevent a person from doing what he wants.

Without this foundation of self-esteem, a person will achieve nothing in his life. Even if he is talented in something.

What will you learn

Given the dynamic format of classes, we devote up to 90% of the time to practice. But this does not mean that you will be left without a theoretical basis. After all, theory in psychological training is the basis of self-diagnosis. So, here you will learn:

what self-confidence is and what it is like;
what makes up a feeling of self-confidence;
in what situations do you need to “turn on” this feeling;
how to manage self-confidence;
What is the difference between confident, aggressive and dependent behavior, how to behave if any of these states are detected in your interlocutors?

How to love yourself?

To remove outdated thought forms from the subconscious, you will have to fight many blocks inside. It is not so easy to reformat yourself, since beliefs become simply iron over the years; it is impossible and not necessary to look inside yourself critically and without the help of a psychotherapist. But still, if you persist, you will be able to break old thoughts.

So, what techniques will help you cope with inadequate self-esteem? Affirmations. We select a list of new beliefs about our personality and try to “introduce” them into our heads, writing them down on paper many, many times. This is the classic way, but it takes too much time.

Counterarguments

Make a list of your own weaknesses. Write it down on the left half of the sheet of paper. On the right, opposite each item, indicate those positive aspects that can be contrasted with the negative ones. For example:

Weaknesses

No one who knows me likes me.
I have almost no attractive features.

Counterarguments

Those who really know me treat me well.
I have a lot of attractive features.

Expand and justify counterarguments, find suitable examples. Start thinking about yourself in a positive way.

Popular self-esteem exercises

The result will not appear immediately. It takes many months to perform daily exercises that will help overcome internal resistance. One such exercise is a journal. But it’s better to keep a journal of achievements instead of a diary. What self-esteem exercises will really help?

Journal of achievements. A person should write down all his achievements, all incidents in life for which he is proud. And create for yourself the image of a really successful person that you want to become in the future.
Find strengths in your shortcomings. If you look closely at yourself, you can see that behind your shortcomings there are certain character traits that can be refined and turned into advantages.
Look at yourself through the eyes of someone who loves you from the outside. This is a great exercise for raising self-esteem, which helps you accept all your sides, all your character traits, just because you are a unique person and worthy of the love of others.
Observing yourself from the outside. If you simply watch for a long time as your inner critic crucifies you as best he can, you will come to the conclusion that most of all accusations are unfounded and ridiculous. Then this habit will disappear on its own, simply because you consciously decided not to nag yourself in this way anymore.

These four exercises must be performed with full faith in success. You cannot quit working on yourself after the first week of exercise and complain that there is no effect. You will have to show willpower, get up half an hour earlier every morning and write everything down on paper. Visualization is also useful. But when you write down your observations of yourself on paper or on a tablet, you will really see some shifts, improvements in your perception of yourself.

If I weren't shy...

Sit back and close your eyes. Imagine a person or situation that constantly makes you feel shy. Don't miss any details - not a single word or gesture.

Now imagine how you would behave in this situation if you were not shy. What would you do? What would you say? How would it all end?

Awaken this positive image within yourself every day for a week.

The next time you have to actually face a similar situation, restore your positive image in your mind. And behave accordingly.

At an appointment with a psychologist

The development of self-esteem is formed, as we said, from childhood. Due to parental pressure, many teenagers become too withdrawn, insecure, and fearful.

If a person is not sure that he has sufficient willpower to cope with the inertia of behavior, then he needs to contact a psychologist. This person will listen carefully and give you a specific, individual program for developing self-confidence.

Exercise 3. “Ray of Confidence”

For this exercise you will need to use your imagination. Relax, breathe smoothly and deeply for a minute or two. Imagine a beam filling you with confidence. The beam can be of any color and can shimmer. Imagine how it fills you from the top of your head to your feet, fills your whole body, your whole being with confidence. Breathe and at the same time be filled with the confidence that this ray gives. Stay in this state for 3 – 4 minutes. Each time the exercise should be extended a little until it reaches 10-15 minutes. If you feel discomfort, this is a signal to complete the exercise.

Five steps to confidence. Advice for women

Self-esteem, or evaluating your own efforts, is a habit like getting up at 6 a.m. and brushing your teeth. A person must train himself, overcome his own complexes, change outdated attitudes. Trainings alone are not enough. Women, like men, also want to be self-fulfilled in society. But what to do if there is no will? It is necessary that respect and self-love be constantly “on” - when you are at home with your family, and when you are at a meeting with friends, and at work in your boss’s office.

So, how can a woman love herself and increase her self-esteem? Follow these rules:

Stop comparing yourself to other people. This is a terrible habit, and it brings nothing but a feeling of inferiority.
Set yourself a goal. What did you want most during your school years? Now you have grown up, and it's time to fulfill your dreams.
Join a sports club. Exercising three times a week helps improve psychological comfort. In a couple of months you will have a wonderful figure and will be able to boast of attention from the opposite sex.
Read motivational books. For example, books by Louise Hay or the now popular “Increase self-esteem. How?, written by David Preston.
Stop doing what you don't like.

Another important recommendation from psychologists is to try to help others. Caring for people or homeless animals will occupy your thoughts and time. The English poet William Blake said, “The busy bee has no room to mourn.” That is, there will be no time left for self-criticism at all with such busyness. If you go in the right direction, a person quickly becomes independent and ceases to depend on his parents or husband.

How to develop self-confidence and self-esteem? Here are some tips for our women.

1. To increase inner comfort and motivation for success, answer the questions in the form of lists:

What do you do well?
What kind of praise have you heard from early childhood to this day?
How did you help those around you?
What life achievements make you proud?

First of all, list your successes and personal qualities. Each woman has her own character traits, and suspicious natures are always prone to comparison. Find your own strengths to see your uniqueness, which deserves respect. Then you will understand that you deserve to be happy.

2. To become self-confident, act like this:

Accept the idea that each person is the creator of his own destiny. He can turn it in the right direction if he changes his point of view on all problems, then it will be easier for him to find optimal ways to solve issues.
Don't be afraid to experiment. Look for new hobbies and ways of self-realization, find something that brings pleasure and joy.
Make plans. Write down your main goals and desires for the short term and the long term (up to five years), as well as a list of actions to complete the planned tasks.
Practice persistence, which will show you how to develop self-confidence. Don't be afraid of the first failures. Thanks to them, we strengthen our will and draw strength of spirit to further move forward.
Get used to your role. After all, in every woman there lives an actress who is able to imitate the desired ideal. Be a positive and friendly person, charismatic and charming, persistent in making decisions.
Learn from the experiences of celebrities or successful individuals. Read descriptions of their lives, learn the secrets of achieving goals. Find a role model among your friends and ask how to develop confidence from their position. Lucky people are happy to help their friends.

From observations of confident women, psychologists noted their important traits:

Having your own goals, natural behavior, the desire to discover your talents and originality, the ability to turn flaws into advantages . Lacking graceful forms, they emphasize femininity with their clothing and manner of speaking. The main thing here is to understand that there are no ideals, and to put an end to complexes forever.
Calmness and motivation for success . Meditation, breathing practices and visualization help to tune in to achieving a goal. Thanks to this, confident women maintain inner self-control to achieve unprecedented heights.
Readiness for loneliness. Strong women know that sometimes in their lives there comes a time for self-discovery, personal growth and better health. In this case, do not be discouraged due to the lack of a partner. And if your relationship with a man is intact, spend some time on yourself. You need to make plans, set tasks, be able to escape from worries, relax, and engage in your hobbies. Don't focus on men, they get bored with it. They have always gravitated towards those people who have a personal interest.
A normal reaction to criticism . Confident women do not argue, do not prove the opposite, but draw conclusions if the remark is justified. Moreover, they usually ignore thoughtless injections. How to develop self-confidence to this height? A clear internal position, iron logic and powerful self-esteem are unshakable. And all empty critics are either fools or petty envious people. Look deeper to understand the reason for unpleasant words. Do they have a desire to help? After all, everyone has the right to say what they think. This is normal.
Strong women know how to formulate questions . “How to find harmony, where do I look for a source of positivity, what are the advantages of my personality?” Focus on the positive aspects of life, try to increase your intelligence and level of culture, change, improving your life, strive for new goals.

So, a woman can easily raise her self-esteem and strengthen her spirit, using simple exercises and the experience of accomplished people, and then in practice behave in a new way.

Online trainings. Is there any benefit?

On the Internet you can easily find many programs designed to independently develop confidence. These programs require money and time. But, in fact, no one will become more self-confident if they do not force themselves to leave the online office and face life’s adversities. The formation of self-esteem is not built while an individual is simply surfing the Internet. You need to communicate with people and be able to feel comfortable in any unfamiliar environment.

But there are undoubtedly benefits from online training. The program will help you understand a calm environment with some internal attitudes that you have not noticed before, discover and work through some internal contradictions. But not more.

The benefits of distorted self-esteem

Some psychologists are confident that a slightly distorted self-esteem in some cases can be very helpful. For example, a person who was oppressed by other teenagers and teachers in childhood tends to be more active in adulthood. He does not pay attention to internal fears, shows enormous willpower, and moves forward. Such people achieve even more than their peers. However, not everyone can withstand the pressure of society. Many, unfortunately, break down and stop making efforts. They definitely need the support of a loved one who will tell them what their real advantage is and in which direction they need to go.

The other extreme is inflated self-esteem. Training won't help much here. The person believes that he is already better than everyone else. People with such views of their self are very active. They are not afraid to express themselves, their ideas, and lead. But still, when the assessment is completely inadequate and the person essentially has nothing to brag about, then it becomes unpleasant to communicate with him, and he still does not emerge as a leader.

Low self-esteem begins in childhood

It often starts in childhood. Parents play a particularly important role in the development of healthy self-esteem: they are the first to convey that the child is a valuable person who is loved. This strengthens you from within and gives you security.

The way parents treat their children also plays a role. If there is a lack of respect, if a person is ridiculed as a child, his self-esteem is undermined. Such children then develop the belief that they themselves are wrong or not good enough. Their own needs don’t count; what matters is fulfilling other people’s expectations. This belief remains with the adult.

Why do women suffer more often from low self-esteem?

Women are more sensitive and gentle in nature. In addition, in the post-Soviet space, women still have to defend their rights. In many families, girls are still taught unconditional obedience. But in fact, women are just as strong-willed as men. It's all about self-hypnosis, incorrect self-esteem. Trainings for women and books by famous psychologists will help you cope with all your internal complexes.

Constant fears and anxieties can lead to neurosis. It is important to deal with your “inner demons” in time and go out into society with your head held high and new goals in life. A strong woman internally is one who loves and accepts herself.

Exercise 4. “Gait of Confidence”

Exercise from body-oriented therapy. It is best to perform to pleasant music without words! First of all, tune in to the music, feel your body, breathe deeply. Start moving around the room, make the movements that you consider necessary (spin, jump, make passes with your hands, etc.). But then the exercise itself begins. And it consists of two parts! First, imagine yourself as a completely insecure person. Hunch over, feel yourself pressed to the ground... Walk like this for 3 - 5 minutes. Listen to your feelings. Feel as if your confidence has completely left you... The second part of the exercise: transformation. If the exercise is done to music, this part is performed to a different track, preferably a more positive one, more pleasant for you. Now, on the contrary, feel how confidence fills you, how you become more and more confident and cheerful. Straighten your back, straighten your shoulders, walk with your head held high. The steps are large and confident. Breathing is free. Move in this state for one track.

How can a woman love herself and increase her self-esteem?

Any lady will be beautiful and captivating if she has self-confidence. But when the most beautiful woman has low self-esteem, she will experience a feeling of loneliness, since no one wants to see a sad and weak-willed life partner next to them. Men are looking for a partner who knows how to inspire them to heroic deeds.

How to increase self-esteem? Should I go through training or load up on books on psychology and read until I get inspired to do something for myself? No, it’s best to forget all past failures and do what you want right now. Find a hobby for yourself or reconnect with old friends, and do exercises to improve your self-esteem in your free time. It will be nice to go on a hike with a group of unknown people and find out if you are really as weak as you convinced yourself.

It is useful to read books to raise self-esteem, sign up for any courses. During the course, a woman can meet more confident people and, perhaps, learn new life lessons. According to statistics, women are more likely to learn new things and attend various seminars and advanced training courses.

Get interesting

You need to develop a skill that you believe will help you engage in social interaction. You should work on at least one trait that can be positively assessed by others and bring them joy and benefit. A person who can play the guitar or piano is a welcome guest in any company. Learn to tell funny stories or perform magic tricks. It is very useful (and not at all difficult) to learn to dance, especially for men who feel insecure once they start playing the music. Stay up to date with international events and fashionable topics (problems of overpopulation, ecology, etc.). Read good books, both serious literature and bestsellers, and be prepared to discuss them.

Heightened self-esteem

Such self-esteem is formed in those teenagers who are accustomed to receiving attention and gifts from their parents all the time; Usually in such families there is only one child, and he is overly pampered. Girls with beautiful appearance build their self-esteem only on their appearance. And they forget that people also evaluate their inner world.

Signs of high self-esteem are the following factors:

The desire for the conversation to always end with their response.
Not accepting other people's opinions in a conversation.
Inability to cope with failures.
The habit of getting involved in a business without understanding exactly what needs to be done.
Never ask for a favor, give orders instead.
Put personal goals first.

If something doesn't work out, people with high self-esteem fall into terrible depression. Then they urgently need the help of a qualified psychologist, since no one voluntarily admits pride in themselves.

Do you know what I like about you?

Choose the one you trust most among your friends and do this exercise with him. Write down which features of this person are most attractive to you, and have him do the same for you. (Try to keep each list to ten items.) Take turns explaining to each other why you included each item on the list. Start by saying, “What I really like about you is...”

How do you feel when your friend praises you? Learn to accept praise (at least say thank you) and enjoy the joy that compliments bring.

Learn to give compliments to your friends. Use this skill in everyday life, sparing no praise even in the most ordinary situations.

Conclusion

Forming self-esteem is a long process that often occurs under the influence of a negative environment. Self-esteem that is higher than real is found in those whose parents instilled a sense of superiority in childhood. The self-esteem test is given above. But sometimes it’s just enough to honestly admit it to yourself.

Low self-esteem in most cases is characteristic of women. They are naturally gentler, have few male hormones, and are not aggressive. Ladies with inflated aspirations also experience difficulties in communication, but mainly for the reason that they did not become the main object of attention or their opinion was not taken into account. Both positions are fundamentally wrong. Various exercises to improve self-esteem can help these people. In extreme cases, when you cannot help yourself on your own, you need to consult a psychologist.

Causes of self-doubt

Psychologists identify 4 main causes of self-doubt.

Unhealthy relationship with parents

Self-doubt goes back to childhood. Excessive authoritarianism of parents, overprotection, and reluctance to listen to the child’s opinion do not allow him to form strong internal support. He does not learn to make decisions on his own and take responsibility for them.

Parents who are too demanding are also very harmful. When only an ideal result is expected from a child, without giving him the right to make mistakes, he experiences enormous psychological stress. A little person develops an idea of the world as a cruel and hostile place, and he imagines himself as a small, insignificant insect.

Excessive praise of a child, oddly enough, can also damage self-confidence. When a baby is constantly praised and coddled, he begins to expect the same from other people. The discrepancy between reality and expectations becomes a real shock. It turns out that the world is not as kind and fluffy as mom, and respect must be earned through your actions. And you really want everyone to love you and praise you just like that.

Ignorance of self

Self-confidence presupposes an adequate assessment of one’s capabilities. This assessment is based on actual experience. For example, a girl got a new job and successfully completed a complex project. Now she has confidence that she will do her next projects perfectly.

In areas where you do not have enough experience, a lack of self-confidence is normal, as long as it is moderate and does not demotivate you.

Therefore, you should not demand from yourself unconditional confidence everywhere and in everything. And there is no need to sit and wait for her to appear. Take action and gain experience. This will increase your self-confidence.

Bad experience

This point is a direct consequence of the previous one. If you have had a series of setbacks and failures in the past, your self-confidence will be low. Fortunately, negative experiences can be reviewed and rewritten. This process is not easy and slow, but extremely necessary.

Perfectionism

Few people have the ability to do everything perfectly. There is no point in striving for this. This is very energy-consuming and often pointless. Perfectionism is very easy to kill any initiative and stifle motivation. It just takes ironclad self-confidence to believe that you are capable of achieving excellence in everything.

If you're feeling insecure, ask yourself if you're asking too much of yourself. Maybe we should be a little more modest?

There are several other reasons that I also could not ignore. These include:

lack of willpower and self-discipline;
obsessive anxiety;
physical disabilities;
lack of fulfillment;
stress;
inability to communicate;
lack of a relationship partner;
strong financial misalliance with the immediate environment;
lack of work.