How to communicate with an introvert: basic rules and advice from a psychologist

December 15, 2019
Psychology of relationships
Yulia Tershak

Psychologists divide people into two psychotypes: extroverts and introverts. An extrovert is an open, sociable person, easily adapts to any conditions, loves noisy companies and parties. An introvert is someone who loves solitude, silence, peace - publicity is not his element. He is focused on his inner world, receiving energy from a state of calm.

Who is an introvert?

What personality traits does an introvert have? Who is this? How to recognize an introvert in a crowd?

For an introvert, the most important thing is his internal state, his thoughts, feelings, sensations. The inner world of an introvert is much more important than everything happening around him. This person looks at the world around him as if from his own hiding place. He passes all events and incidents through himself.

The peculiarity of introverts is that they do not know how to quickly adapt to unforeseen events. An introvert has difficulty adapting to new conditions and has difficulty getting used to new acquaintances. He can be cheerful and open only around people close to him, but in a noisy, crowded company he is quiet and taciturn. To gain his trust, you need to spend a lot of time and make a lot of effort. The character of an introvert is calm, balanced, positive, flexible, strong-willed. This person is often slow, but he knows exactly where he is going and for what purpose.

“You are closed in your own world and you don’t notice anyone but yourself!”

Quite a mean phrase, as it is close to the truth. But introverts are not at all as self-centered as they are often portrayed as.

It's simple: there is a circle of close people for whom introverts will sacrifice all their interests, and the opinion of the rest of the world is of secondary importance. In addition, introverts live in their own personal worlds, from which they evaluate reality. But this is not egocentrism. Yes, they sometimes lack proper courtesy or tact, but in truth, the last thing introverts want is to intrude or cause problems for anyone. And if they don’t meet your expectations, then, sorry, they were just your expectations. Therefore, do not hold the introvert responsible for their illusions.

Such mistakes are often made by parents, when in childhood it is still difficult for an introvert to resist external pressure. Personality formation begins at the age of five, when there is active immersion in society. As a rule, by these years it is already possible to guess which child will become an active and hyperactive leader, and which one will prefer to retire from all the fuss of people.

During the period of personality formation, the family in which the little introvert resides plays an important role. If he grows up in a calm, democratic environment, where all problems are solved not with shouts and belts, but with sincere conversations, then there is a high probability that the future introvert will become a mature and self-confident person.

I also recommend reading: How can an introvert survive among extroverts and not lose his individuality?

However, if you often take it out on a child, and are only interested in his inner experiences in the last place, then rest assured: you will develop an inferiority complex in your child, which will subsequently interfere with his life. Become for your child the support that he craves to see in loved ones. After all, who else, if not his parents, will support him in any situation?

Many mothers often asked the question: how can you still force your child to be at least a little more sociable? No way. Leave him alone and give him the right to be who he is. If your son or daughter is more comfortable sitting at home and watching movies than going to clubs, then think - perhaps this has its advantages? This is usually answered with the phrase that he doesn’t even have friends. If they are not there, then there are no worthy ones. As soon as a person appears who is truly interesting for an introvert, the problem will be solved by itself. It’s better to have one faithful friend than a bunch of “buddies.”

Besides, making friends with an introvert is not as difficult as it seems. Yes, this will take a lot of time, because he is wary of letting strangers into his universe. Don’t set yourself the goal of gaining the trust of an introvert in a month or even six months: it’s impossible. Place your bet on unobtrusive and interesting communication over a long period of time and you won’t go wrong.

Key character traits of an introvert

How are introverts different from other people? What do they all have in common?

The main characteristics of introverts:

- Tendency to loneliness. He is interested in spending time without friends and loved ones. Loneliness fuels him and gives him new strength.

— Purposeful communication. An introvert will never engage in meaningless conversations. All conversations in which he takes part have a specific purpose.

- Carefully considered actions. Without a preliminary analysis, without a clear plan and prediction of the result, an introvert will never take action. All his actions and actions are clearly thought out and analyzed. He never acts spontaneously. It's not in his nature to take risks.

— Respecting the boundaries of personal space. An introvert carefully guards both his territory and his inner world. He doesn’t let anyone get too close to him, carefully guarding his personal boundaries. Maintaining distance is the main principle of communicating with other people.

- Preoccupation with a specific situation. Having experienced certain troubles, an introvert will experience negative emotions and suffer for a long time. He cannot quickly get rid of unpleasant memories, reliving the situation again and again.

Forward technique

When it's useful

If you need to ask for help, ask for a bonus from your boss, tell your neighbors that loud music is disturbing you, tell the salesperson that you have been shortchanged, make an appointment by phone, and so on.

How to use

In football, a forward is an attacking player whose main task is to score goals. In essence, the forward defends the interests of the team by attacking. And this requires a certain amount of aggression. For introverts, aggression is directed inward, not outward, so it is always difficult for us to ask, insist, and defend our interests. We also love to think about the opponent’s reaction: how he will react to the request, whether he will get angry, whether he will be able to answer, or whether he is busy with important matters. We can walk for hours in indecision.

Take the courage to take the first step and send the ball to the other person's side. Act without thinking.

Start with everyday situations, and then transfer them to more significant ones for you.

The secret to this technique is to move out of the position of asking and into the position of a player defending the interests of his team. Mentally shift the focus from yourself to your loved ones. Asking for someone is always easier. For example, you ask for a salary increase to pay for your son’s courses; discount from the seller to buy more products for a family dinner. Remember about your inner Kant: loud music from his neighbors prevents him from dozing off.

Classification of introverts

Having analyzed what qualities an introvert has and the behavior of this person in certain life situations, psychologists have identified several types of people with this psychotype:

1. Logical-intuitive type - has analytical abilities, has extraordinary ideas, loves solitude and loneliness, does not pursue luxury, being content only with the most necessary.

2. Logical-sensory type - knows how to plan his actions so that failures never befall this person. He has a desired goal, a precise plan of action and a guaranteed result.

3. A logical-intuitive rationalist maintains order in all areas of life, from small things to relationships. He often gets annoyed because something doesn't go according to plan, even when it has absolutely nothing to do with him. He trusts only facts in his life.

4. The logical-intuitive irrationalist does not know how to be punctual and precise. He cannot follow a clear plan, veering off the intended path. If he has completed at least half of what he planned, this is already considered a great achievement. But creativity and rich imagination are his main trump cards.

5. An emotionally unbalanced type is characterized by low self-esteem, lack of confidence in one’s capabilities, and hysterical attacks.

As if

When it's useful

On a date, at an interview, if you need to speak publicly, at a crowded party, and so on.

How to use

Introverts tend to overthink and doubt everything. And the quality of thoughts, as is known, directly affects feelings and behavior. Let's go the opposite way.

Start behaving as if you were the life of the party, a charismatic speaker, attractive, sexy, easy - that is, possessing those qualities that you lack for self-confidence. Fake it until you make it. Take the initiative, smile, keep up the conversation, share your knowledge and experience.

The more often you act as if you are confident, the more confident you actually will become.

The emotions you experience will change the way you think. No miracle: even feigned positive emotions send signals to the brain, in response to which endorphins begin to be produced. In psychotherapy, this method is widely used in the treatment of various anxiety disorders.

The secret of this technique is to make “as if” part of ourselves. An imaginary space where we can feel confident and relaxed helps us relax and collect ourselves in various life situations.

Introverted man

Both women and men can be introverts. Some psychologists believe that introverted men are more common than women. Depending on gender, there are some special ones in the same psychotype. So, the man is an introvert. Who is this?

They prefer a cozy home environment, have a narrow circle of close friends, and do not know how to demonstrate their feelings and emotions. Introverted men are quite secretive and closed in their inner world. They prefer correspondence to long conversations, they do not like to hug and do not allow anyone to disturb their peace and order.

A positive character trait of such a man is observation; he knows how to be attentive to the woman he loves and always knows how to please her.

If you find the right approach to such a man, then a reliable rear is guaranteed forever. An introverted man is considered a monogamist; if he is comfortable next to the woman he loves, he will do everything possible and impossible to make her happy with him.

Power Saving Mode

When it's useful

At private or official receptions, if you work in open-space, when participating in long-term negotiations and speeches.

How to use

During intensive communication with introverts, the same thing happens as with a smartphone battery in the cold: the charge drops before our eyes. And the remains are only enough to run away from everyone and slam the door behind you with relief.

In order not to reach complete misanthropy, learn to restore energy in time.

Don't try to do everything, everywhere. Set short-term goals and move towards them step by step.
If possible, plan no more than 1-2 public events per week.
Allow time for proper rest after meetings.
Take breaks from speaking and negotiating to be alone with yourself.
Periodically leave a crowded workspace, go to a quiet cafe, outside, or just put on headphones with your favorite music.
When you arrive at a party, don’t immediately rush to entertain those around you with conversations. Immerse yourself in the atmosphere gradually: look around, sit on the sofa, take a few photos, ask the owner to introduce you to the guests.
During the evening, go out to the balcony, garden or other secluded place to replenish your energy and take a break from people.
A book downloaded to your phone can be a good assistant. A few minutes of reading will bring you peace of mind.

The secret of this technique is not to waste your last energy on communication. Take breaks to restore your energy by being in peace and quiet.

Introverted woman

An introverted woman has it the hardest. The role of wife, housewife, mother of children requires an active lifestyle, a large social circle and many responsibilities. A woman simply cannot afford to lead a solitary life; she must communicate with a large number of people: doctors, salespeople, teachers, educators. This forced communication takes a lot of strength and energy from her.

A female introvert has unpredictable behavior. Sometimes it can be cold and inaccessible, but sometimes it can be warm and harmonious. She can calm and comfort with just her presence and confident gaze. Sometimes her mood is difficult to guess. Outwardly, she seems calm and balanced, but passions are raging inside.

She loves to delve into herself, her feelings, and criticize her own character traits and actions. She is also critical of those around her.

Over the years, an introverted woman opens up and it becomes easier for her to communicate with people.

Such women value their work because it gives them a sense of reliability and stability.

They prefer more practical men than romantic ones. They value help in solving everyday problems more than guitar songs and expensive gifts.

Or maybe they're okay?

The fact that introverts make up 30-50% of the population already suggests that there is absolutely no shame in being less social than other people, because it does not in any way affect whether you will be successful in your career or personal life. Mark Zuckerberg, Abraham Lincoln, Warren Buffett and many other world-famous personalities have positioned themselves as introverts, and Bill Gates once said in one of his public speeches: “If you are smart, you can find advantages in being introverted.”

Charles Darwin spent a lot of time alone in the woods and refused dinner parties with enviable regularity, and Theodor Geisel, known as Dr. Seuss, the children's book author and cartoonist, created many of his characters from his California backyard. He also avoided meeting children who read his books because he was afraid that he would not live up to their expectations and would be too ordinary, reserved for them.

The Hustle Edition

conducted interviews with introverts who occupy leadership positions, and this is how these people speak about their introversion:

“An introvert is someone who prefers to be isolated... Someone who is not necessarily antisocial, but someone who thrives on internal work processes.”

, - David Acosta, co-founder
of Rebel PR
“I feel refreshed and rejuvenated when I can spend time in silence on a regular basis.”

, - Dan Purcell, co-founder of
Ever in Touch
"Being an introvert doesn't mean you're a loser or socially awkward, it just means you need to be alone when others want to be with people."

, — Kevin Pascoe, co-founder
of Nested Naturals
In other words, introversion is not a signal that a person lacks social skills; It is likely that he has them in abundance, but he simply does not want to interact with others as often as extroverts do. Of course, it is necessary to cooperate, otherwise the union of introvert Steve Wozniak and extrovert Steve Jobs would not have arisen, but being alone is very valuable in itself, and for some it is also vital.

Myths about introverts

Some people are unable to understand and accept a person of this psychotype; they do not know how to properly communicate with an introvert. These people seem to them like aliens from other worlds, which is why legends and myths about introverts are quite popular.

What erroneous qualities are seen by people who do not have reliable information about how to communicate with an introvert:

1. Lack of communication. If a person does not know how to communicate with an introvert, this does not mean that he is taciturn. If you choose the right subject of conversation, you can learn a lot of useful information from an introvert.

2. Shyness. If you interest an introvert, he will open up. He is not shy or cowardly, but you need to gain his trust first.

3. Rudeness. The directness of introverts is often confused with bad manners and rudeness.

4. Eccentricities. Introverts always have their own opinions, which often do not coincide with the generally accepted ones, so their individuality is often confused with oddities.

5. Indifference. People perceive the inability to show their emotions as indifference.

6. Inability to enjoy life. Noisy entertainment, parties, and holidays are not suitable for introverts. These people enjoy completely different things: silence, solitude, home environment, beautiful things, music, silence.

What is the difference between an introvert and an extrovert?

These two concepts were introduced by the author of analytical psychology, Carl Jung. According to his definition, introverts are focused on their own inner world, and extroverts are focused on the outer world. The difference between these two personality types is significant. Some people need solitude, others constantly need communication.

Most people are extroverts (to varying degrees). They constantly strive to communicate, look for new acquaintances, love to be the center of attention (telling jokes in noisy companies, singing karaoke). There are much fewer introverts - about 20% of the population. They would prefer to be alone, to be alone with nature, to calmly think about their next idea or plans for life.

A characteristic feature of introverts is a high level of responsibility. They strive to be punctual and take any task extremely seriously. In most non-public speaking activities, introverts tend to be valuable and productive employees.

It is important to consider that personality type is almost impossible to change. You can work with a personal psychotherapist for a long time, get rid of complexes and increase sociability. But you still won’t be able to become a real extrovert.

Communication with introverts

It can be quite difficult to communicate with introverts in their pure form. But many of them try not to be different from the rest and lead the same way of life: they visit entertainment venues, lead an active lifestyle, and meet with friends. But such a pastime does not bring them much pleasure. Over time, they learn to understand themselves, listen to their true desires and do what they really like.

Some people cannot understand the way of thinking and habits of introverts - communicating with them does not bring them any joy. But few people think about the question of what it is like for an introvert to communicate with people, whether he experiences difficulties in communication, and whether he knows how to find a common language with the people he needs. Introverts and extroverts live in different worlds, their thinking is radically different from each other, so finding a topic for conversation can be almost impossible. In the workplace, misunderstandings and unpleasant situations also often arise between these psychotypes.

Emergency exit

When it's useful

During a decisive conversation, when making new acquaintances, at noisy events and other “obligations”.

How to use

I love this tactic because it's versatile and doesn't require any effort. Introverts are forced to live according to social norms created by extroverts. “I should be outgoing,” “I should show that I’m having fun,” “I should be liked,” “I should enter wedding competitions,” “I shouldn’t worry” are just a few things I’ve heard over the years work. All these “shoulds” kill any sense of freedom and lightness in us and completely confuse us.

Develop for yourself your own set of rules that do not prohibit, but permit. Allow yourself to be yourself, to take into account your characteristics and desires. For example:

you are allowed to worry before an important acquaintance;
You are allowed to stay home for three days after the interview;
the party is allowed to arrive, check in and leave;
you are allowed not to go to your second cousin’s birthday party;
You are allowed to simply nod in conversation without answering anything.

And so on.

The secret of this technique is to remain in your own comfort zone in any unusual situation and be able to quietly proceed to the “emergency exit”.

Signs

A detailed description of an introverted personality type can take several pages of continuous text. If we generalize it and highlight the most important thing, then the leading signs will be the following.

Positive features:

perseverance, concentration;
excellent level of diligence, especially in relation to monotonous work, bringing any task to its logical conclusion;
loyalty in friendship: the ability to listen, sympathize, understand, as well as sensitivity to the problems of other people;
reliability, responsibility;
intelligence and genius;
close connection with art: talents and gifts to write, draw, play musical instruments, etc.;
creative, unusual, bright work solutions;
good success in training and self-education;
balanced and deliberate decision-making as a result of in-depth analysis and detailed study of the issue;
loyalty to your word, responsible attitude towards the requests of others;
tact, modesty;
honesty, impartiality;
the ability to be happy alone, regardless of others.

Negative features:

communication problems;
social phobia;
detachment from common problems;
distrust;
inability to express oneself, to declare one’s talents and abilities, hence the difficulties in promoting one’s career;
suspiciousness;
emotional limitations;
maladjustment in the conditions of the modern education system and intracorporate relations;
low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence.

Neutral traits that can turn into both good and evil:

a narrow circle of communication into which only a select few are admitted;
protecting your comfort zone, clear boundaries beyond which no one else is allowed;
secondary type of reaction to an event (from the point of view of psychology): they experience an unpleasant situation for a long time, returning to it again and again;
rich fantasy;
patience;
independence from the opinions of others;
love of home, silence, loneliness;
complete control over emotions.

Experts compared the life and behavior of an introvert to charging a phone, and they came up with this interesting picture, reflecting the whole essence of this psychotype: