- June 19, 2019
- Psychology of communication
- Angelica Braldi
How to learn to communicate with men? This issue worries not only young girls, it is also relevant for middle-aged women. Why is this topic so interesting? It’s not difficult to attract a man’s attention, especially for those who are young and confident, but how to keep him? What to talk about? What to interest? If, as a rule, there are no difficulties in communication with peers, then in relationships with an older man they appear very often.
Women who have been married for many years, oddly enough, also face this problem. One not particularly wonderful morning, they wake up with the thought that they have absolutely nothing to talk about with their spouse.
The question of how a woman can communicate correctly with a man is also of interest to those ladies who often have to deal with representatives of the stronger sex due to their official duties. What if you have to host your loved one’s friends? How to talk to them? How to behave? After all, you want to make a good impression.
Psychology has been studying the question of how to properly communicate with men for a very long time. Even before the advent of psychologists, philosophers and thinkers, writers, and poets dealt with this issue. Accordingly, a lot of knowledge has accumulated, which formed the basis of various psychological techniques that allow women to properly structure their communication with representatives of the stronger sex.
What should you forget about once and for all?
The phrase: “I don’t know how to communicate with men” is a taboo. You can’t just say that, you shouldn’t even think in that way. Of course, you need to be able to admit your shortcomings and be aware of your problems. But not in this case and not in this formulation.
Firstly, a thought has the ability to materialize, and even when expressed out loud it is a judgment. Thinking in this way, a woman lowers her own self-esteem, gains self-doubt and aggravates the difficulties that arise when communicating with representatives of the stronger sex. There is no need to brand yourself, because loss of confidence deprives you of attractiveness. It is better to utter utter nonsense with a royal posture and a raised chin than to discuss topics that are relevant and interesting to a man with drooping shoulders and an ingratiating, questioning gaze.
“I don’t know how to communicate with men - what should I do?” - this is not about a woman. This is about a “gray stocking” who doesn’t notice anything around him except the pages of encyclopedias, statistical indicators of economic growth or something similar.
Starting with such a statement is unlikely to make tangible progress. Successful communication between representatives of different sexes is based on flirtation, coquetry, ease and naturalness. You can’t approach it as a lesson that needs to be memorized and answered “excellent” at the board. There are no strict rules and restrictions; the correct manner of communication does not need to be learned, but felt intuitively. And in intuition and feelings, every woman is an expert from birth. But even the most experienced expert sometimes needs a couple of tips that will help him correctly assess the situation and achieve the desired result.
Small tricks - big results
How to learn to communicate with men? It’s very simple: you need to learn from the stronger sex. Of course, you don’t need to approach the man you like with a notebook and pencil, ready to take notes on a lecture on the art of communication.
You need to be more cunning and simply observe both the stronger sex in general and the person you like. You need to notice everything - demeanor, reactions, gestures, facial expressions, taste preferences, volume of speech. There are no insignificant trifles, when a person behaves naturally, he completely opens up, like a book, all that remains is to read it and draw conclusions.
The ability to observe, notice and analyze is the first female trick.
You should not approach a man and start a conversation with him. Everyone knows about this, although modern emancipated young ladies usually do not agree with this rule. What to do? You need to create an accident, thanks to which a man will have no choice but to meet and start communicating with a woman. The highest aerobatics is to create a situation in which a representative of the stronger sex feels like a knight on a white horse. How to do it? There are no limits to your imagination. You can accidentally trip on the escalator next to him or “bump into” a person in a cafe.
Creating situations is the second female trick.
But how to communicate with a man correctly? The answer is paradoxical: this must be done silently. Of course, you shouldn’t be silent in the literal sense of the word, but you need to make sure that the man speaks. You shouldn’t be sure that women’s chatter delights the stronger sex. You should not conduct a monologue, but skillfully manage the dialogue, filling pauses and asking leading questions that stimulate men's stories. Of course, you need to listen carefully: sometimes representatives of the stronger sex can be frank and give out a lot of useful information about themselves.
The ability to remain silent and listen is the third female trick.
If a woman makes them her habit, then she will never have questions about how to learn to communicate with men.
Features of male psychology
Who are men at their core? On the one hand, each of them considers himself an alpha male and a breadwinner, a hunter, and on the other, they are all big children. Of course, this is a very exaggerated assessment of the characteristics inherent in the psychology of the stronger sex. Each man is a unique personality, with his own inner world. However, to build communication tactics, highlighting and taking into account stereotypical features is quite enough.
How to learn to communicate with men, because they are so different from women? No difficulties will arise in this if you do not forget that the woman is not a friend, but a “male”, “hunter”, “child”.
How does this affect communication? Men are comfortable and interested in the woman who makes them feel significant. How can this be achieved in practice? It is necessary to structure conversations in such a way that a man feels like a leader, while constantly fighting for the elusive attention of a woman and having the opportunity to show off his “toys.”
Consider that men have "attention deficit disorder"
Many women complain that they are surrounded by men who either do not listen attentively or prefer not to engage in long conversations at all. Often such women mistakenly believe that the problem lies with the man. By placing all the blame on the opposite sex, women absolutely do not take into account the influence they themselves have on the communication process. Just as tango requires two partners, a conversation must involve two.
If a woman communicates freely with her friends, then to get an equally pleasant result when talking with men, you need to make a little more effort. To easily communicate with the opposite sex, you need to bridge the gap of mutual misunderstanding. This is possible if you are able to understand the peculiarities of the perception of another.
It is impossible to forget a conversation between two people when the memories of it are pleasant to both, when it flows like music and captivates like sex. It has a rhythm and a predictability that everyone looks forward to and enjoys. Jessamyn West, American writer, author of The Land of Ruthless Loneliness (1984)
Therefore, in order to encourage a man to listen and willingly participate in the conversation, a wise woman must communicate with him “on the same wavelength.” Even if not all men are the same, there are still some universal rules of communication that are suitable for both shy people who are speechless and those who like to talk.
How to communicate on the Internet?
How to communicate with a man on dating sites, social networks, online games, on thematic forums? This question is extremely important these days. The Internet gives women the opportunity to find love or simply meet an interesting interlocutor far from home or work.
The basic rules of communication in the virtual space are no different from building a conversation in real life. But, of course, there are also some nuances. First, you should forget about generalizations. If in real life the phrase “about nothing” is supplemented by body language, facial expressions, gestures and is a stimulus for fantasy and arousing interest, then in the virtual space it acts exactly the opposite.
The lack of specifics leads, firstly, to a loss of interest of a particular interlocutor, and secondly, to an expansion of the audience. For example, if a woman’s page does not indicate her age, then both “ancient elders” and teenagers will write to her. If there is no good, clear photograph, both “lovers” of fat women and those who care about the numbers on the scale will begin to worry about her. In the absence of information about habits, fans of a healthy lifestyle and those who spend their evenings in billiard rooms will turn to them for a glass of beer.
What's bad about it? The only thing is that with an abundance of options, most of which are not of interest, the woman loses her “target audience.”
The conversation itself is structured the same way as in life. A man needs to be listened to, approved of his thoughts, laughed at his jokes, admired in moderation and, of course, shown interest in his “toys.” It is the achievements and hobbies of men that are the main topics for communication in the virtual space. Only by telling “about his beloved self” will he not lose interest in communication and will want to transfer it to real life.
Rule 6: Don't reproach
It’s not worth reproaching a man if he did not follow your advice, finishing him off with his catchphrase “well, I told you so.”
Here, depending on the degree of globality of the problem, you can either remain silent, or delicately point out that the correct option was present during the discussion, without particularly insisting on its significance.
A man and a woman are two boxes in which the keys to each other are stored. Karen Blixen (Isak Dinesen)
Should we talk about children and marriage?
A similar question often arises among those who want to understand how to communicate with a man in order to start a family. On the one hand, I want to indicate my own serious attitude towards “true values” and evoke respect from a representative of the stronger sex, but on the other hand, won’t he run away?
Of course, all people are different. If the acquaintance initially took place with the goal of starting a family, it is possible that children need to be talked about. However, it is better not to do this. A man by his psychological nature is a hunter. Listening to the interlocutor describe a house with a white fence, a couple of cheerful kids and a golden Labrador on the lawn by the porch, he will not be touched at all. Intuitively, a representative of the stronger sex will feel that he is being “driven into a trap”, that it is not he who is being “hunted”, but him. And this will cause a strong negative emotional outburst, the man will become very uncomfortable, and he will stop communicating.
Rule 2: Analyze observations
Many women, having figured out the alpha male of the event, get acquainted and then simply passively wait for his call. But initially you need something else: analyze what this person is doing here, here and now? What is his mood and how can you work with all this to create the maximum number of points of intersection between you and him?
Your own activity will be of key importance here , otherwise you will simply wait for acquaintances without initiative and waste your precious time. Try to understand the purpose of his coming to this event, does he want to make new promising business contacts or meet the woman he loves, which is not at all uncommon in this environment of single businessmen?
Look where his gaze is directed - to the ladies around him or to the search for partnerships for his business?
How to react if a man himself starts talking about children and marriage?
What to do if a man is interested in such topics? Laugh it off? Ignore? In no case. The representative of the stronger sex did not just start asking questions; the woman’s attitude to the topics of family and marriage is important to him.
But his curiosity is of a general nature; with his questions he does not call you down the aisle and does not invite you to start arranging the nursery. There is no need to describe your love for children and talk about your passionate desire to have them. Suffice it to say that sometimes such thoughts come to mind, but when and how exactly they will come true is a question. With this turn of the conversation, the man’s hunting passion will be stimulated, and not suppressed.
However, you need to understand that communication between a woman and a man does not have clear rules, patterns or stereotypes. If you have an intuitive feeling that something should be said or done, there is no need to suppress it just because psychologists do not recommend doing so.
Rule 5. Listen to what a man says or broadcasts
For successful communication, you need to understand the interests of your interlocutor . Listen and observe, if this is a more business-like conversation and you are not a leading expert in this field, you should not try to redirect his attention to you. If a man talks about a hobby, smokes a cigar, drinks whiskey, is relaxed, on this pleasant wave you can beautifully weave into the conversation.
And even more so, you need to show competent activity if a man is oriented towards female attention, makes fun of her, and makes compliments. He is in a certain mood and this can be successfully used .
You need to clearly understand at what point you are in a winning state and when you are completely out of place.
He is older: how to build relationships
How to learn to communicate with an older man? This is a very difficult question with no concrete answer. You need to start from a certain situation. Firstly, it is important to know what age difference we are talking about. If there are 15-20 years between a woman and a man, then communication is based on general principles, there are no peculiarities in it.
But what if, for example, the girl is 16 and the man is 60? Of course, there are not so many such couples, but nevertheless, romances between people with an age difference of 30 years or more do happen. How to keep the attention of such a man?
First, you need to understand the nature of the relationship, its essence. A young woman may completely misjudge the romance that has broken out. An older man’s plans may well completely exclude communication and be limited only to “quality sex.” If this is so, it is worth thinking about whether such a novel is necessary? Assess the prospects of the relationship. There will always be someone younger, more attractive, more relaxed, and the woman will remain “out of work.” If there is a desire to take the relationship in a serious direction, then you will have to make a lot of effort. What they will be depends on the specific situation.
In general, the specificity of communicating with older people is that they grew up in different conditions, they have their own interests, humor, and habits. This is reminiscent of communicating with a foreigner or an extraterrestrial. And this is exactly how it should be approached.
As a rule, most advice from psychologists concerns questions about what is interesting to a man and how a young girl can understand them. However, if we consider communication as a clash of different cultures, which it actually is, then a rather interesting nuance emerges. On the one hand, a woman can learn something, discover something new for herself, but on the other hand, a man also makes discoveries in such communication.
It is worth taking advantage of this and building communication not on tricks and tricks, but on the mutual exchange of information, experience, and interests. An older man is familiar with all female techniques, so maybe it’s worth surprising him and not using them?
What to say to your beloved man for the highest achievements and success
And no one will be better off because of this, because if a person begins to develop like this in some team, it means he has found himself in the right place - a seed has sprouted there. But then the sprout, when it has appeared, it needs to be supported, it needs to be watered, encouraged.
And maybe at first his experiments give results that are still unclear how to adapt. But what he will come to can easily turn out to be something that no one has done before.
He is interested, he tries to be even better at it. For example, in the book he found some useful method that no one had ever used at work. But he took it and applied it. And we got some results that the customer even accepted and paid for. In this case, this is still not bad for the entire organization. This deserves to be at least praised.
And if it is more difficult for men to confirm each other, because they are competitors, this is inherent in nature. But a woman can, in this regard, be a connecting link in a team, and really create a microclimate in which the whole gang is behind her. Although she may not have some awesome position. Such a real and vital soul of the team.
How to learn to communicate with men when dating?
It often happens that a woman does not experience any problems when communicating with men, but gets lost the moment she meets a handsome representative of the stronger sex. For example, he may start chatting incessantly and constantly giggle, or be overly rude, cynical, and harsh.
This is a manifestation of excitement. An adult, intelligent and experienced man understands perfectly well that such behavior is generally unusual for a girl, and simply waits it out. But not all men at the moment of meeting are ready to think about whether a woman is really so eccentric or not. And many of them are not at all confident in their own irresistibility, and therefore cannot imagine that they are causing excitement and confusion.
What to do? How can you cope with yourself and not do something stupid? You need to talk less and listen more. You should ask questions, not “read monologues.” But of course, when you ask about something, you need to listen carefully to the answer. It is also important not to abuse alcohol. Alcohol is liberating, but it also contributes to a loss of control.
The only difficulty that actually arises when communicating at the initial stage is your own anxiety. This is what needs to be dealt with. There are no templates for how to conduct a conversation.
Rule 4. Derive the formula for your actions
You should have a practiced reaction and ready-made phrases for the first contact with a man who liked you. You must control the process, do not sit with your head buried in the phone, do not drown in conversations in the crowd of your noisy girlfriends . You should not be caught off guard or run into a closed state.
A woman who is not “on guard” is relaxed, withdrawn into herself, and is often frightened by a man who opens his interest to her. And instead of showing him her strong energy , she slams shut like a clam into her shell, blocks the flow and “freezes off” both herself and the interested man.
A confident, dignified woman does not clamp down or swallow her tongue.
The importance of first impressions. Practical advice
Many famous psychologists, such as Dale Carnegie, emphasize the importance of first impressions. You shouldn’t neglect their advice when meeting a man.
If a woman is worried, she needs:
- smile, sincerely and a little mysteriously, but by no means constantly;
- speak not too loudly, so that the man can hear without straining;
- look into the eyes of the interlocutor, and not to the side or down;
- do not violate personal spatial boundaries;
- talk less about yourself and listen more;
- interrupt the meeting first, citing some circumstance and expressing regret about ending the meeting.
These are very simple and effective ways that will help not only cope with internal tremors, but also leave a lasting impression on yourself. After spending an evening with a woman who behaves this way, a man will begin to miss her even before she has time to fall asleep.
Psychologist's advice
When communication is just starting, follow the simple advice of psychologists:
- Try to talk freely, because feeling constrained interferes with open dialogue.
- Let's talk to the guy, but don't forget to talk about yourself.
- Lighten the mood with jokes.
- Don't get distracted while talking.
- Try to understand your interlocutor.
- Be attentive to his words.
- During your interlocutor's monologues, gently interrupt him with insignificant phrases so that he understands that he is being listened to.
- Don't try to give advice unless asked.
- Learn to put an end to the conversation. Endless conversations are exhausting. Such communication does not bring pleasure.
Now you have 150 topics in stock that you can talk about with a guy by correspondence, by phone or live. It is not necessary to use all the points. Select only those that you think will be most interesting to your interlocutor. Don't forget about yourself. When a girl always takes the initiative and goes out of her way to liven up communication, but does not feel any return, it is better not to waste your time on this guy. The situation here is the same as with a serious relationship - both must give their all.
How to learn to communicate correctly with male colleagues?
This question is very sensitive. It’s a rare woman who doesn’t sigh, looking with envy at how another easily builds a career or shifts the fulfillment of her responsibilities to men.
Communication with colleagues involves two main options:
- "your boyfriend";
- "beautiful woman".
The first option implies adherence to the principles of gender equality and completely excludes the perception by men of an employee as a woman. They see her as a colleague and friend with whom they can gossip, run to lunch, go to the bar after the end of the working day. If a woman is treated like this, there is no need to expect men to open doors, pay bills or help with anything.
Another option for building relationships is based on flirting. The woman who follows him should show her helplessness, admire the successes of her colleagues, give compliments, emphasize their masculinity, strength, and intelligence. This line of behavior evokes a “knightly reflex.” I want to help a woman like this. But there are also disadvantages to positioning yourself this way - envy and anger on the part of female colleagues, an abundance of gossip and the likelihood that some of the men will decide that they can go beyond flirting.
So how to communicate correctly with colleagues? The way it's convenient. Unfortunately, it is impossible to combine both options for building relationships with men at work. However, when choosing the “beautiful woman” type of behavior, it is important not to get too carried away and forget that those around you are colleagues, and not potential suitors.
Is it possible to learn to conduct a dialogue?
What to ask a girl and what topics you can talk to her about
The ability to carry on a conversation is an art that is easy to learn if you practice systematically. While in company, you can improve your ability to conduct dialogue if you try to maintain any conversation with any people. It is important to choose the right time and place for the conversation. To do this, just take a closer look at what a person is doing at the moment when you want to start a conversation. If he is carrying heavy bags, talking on the phone, most likely he will not want to be distracted.
You can develop communication skills by commenting on everything that happens around you. Daily communication with strangers about a variety of everyday trifles also helps: asking a passer-by how to get to the pet store, or asking where the nearest bus stop is. These actions will help you feel at ease.
Another rule of conversation is to have a positive attitude. Smiling people make you feel good, while whiners make you want to end the conversation as soon as possible.
Every time you prepare for a meeting, it is important to think through the issues that you want to discuss. It is recommended to master the technique of active listening, which includes paraphrasing the interlocutor’s words, asking clarifying questions, nodding, leaning towards the interlocutor, and maintaining eye contact. All this will help show interest in the topic.
A developed outlook and awareness of the latest events in the world will help you be an interesting conversationalist. It is better to avoid ambiguous topics, since a clash of opposing opinions can lead to conflict and quarrel.
Something to remember! A good conversationalist will always be able to find something in common between himself and his friend.
A good conversationalist
