Hello! The relationship between lovers in its inception resembles a game of chance, in which one can notice a mysterious rendezvous and hidden communication. This serves to ignite passion and create a desire to spend as much time as possible together. After a certain time, people acquire common interests, find common topics to discuss, and memories appear that unite people. Communication moves to a deeper level. Despite all this, there is an obstacle to the relationship between a man and a woman - official marriage.
Psychology of a man in a relationship with his mistress
A mistress - a homewrecker, or a faithful friend? For married women, a mistress is not only an enemy, but also often an object of envy. But for men everything is not so obvious. Some men swear that they will never cheat, while others are not averse to going to the left. Let's understand male psychology and find out in more detail why they have mistresses if they have a beautiful wife nearby.
Features of the psychology of relationships between a married man and his mistress What a man expects from his mistress, why he needs her The main reasons for affairs on the side A mistress is an outlet When he and she are married Why men break up with their mistresses
see also Why men cheat
see also How to understand that a man has stopped loving
There is no place for joy in the triangle
In a love triangle, neither party will be happy. The mistress should have a goal - to see the light, to understand the reasons why this is happening in her life, and not try to take the man away from the family by any means.
The same goes for the wife. Why did a second woman appear in the family? If a wife mentally imagines her mistress and looks at her, she will feel hatred and anger. But if a wife asks her mistress: “What are you giving to my man, my husband, that I didn’t give?” After all, if the wife again begins to give her husband the recognition and emotions that he needs, the mistress will no longer be needed.
I often hear in consultations: “Here, my husband... but he’s married.” I say: “He is the husband of another woman, you don’t even have the right to call him husband.” And the woman replies: “No, we live, he promises me.” That is, she is in complete illusion.
It is clear that it is difficult for a mistress to break this emotional codependent connection, because she will have to go nowhere, crush her hopes, dreams and enter the bride market with grievances against men. Therefore, you need to work with feelings, you need to work with self-esteem. And don’t blame yourself, because being a mistress is not bad, it’s ineffective.
Features of the psychology of relationships between a married man and his mistress
Why do men find passion on the side if their beloved wife is waiting for them at home? There are many answers to this question.
Some psychologists are sure that everything comes from childhood, when a man observed his father’s behavior in the family and, having matured, copies his behavior. If his father preferred to have fun on the side, then this was in the order of things for the child, and as an adult he would treat his wife the same way.
The man was unlucky with his mother as a child. She was too authoritarian, raised the child harshly, and as an adult he dreams of taking revenge on women for such an attitude. In his head there is resentment towards all the ladies, so he deliberately deceives his wife and uses his mistress for his own pleasure. By the way, such men have a habit of often changing lovers, as if showing who is the master of the situation. He always throws them first to make it hurt more.
Another reason may be negative sexual experiences in adolescence, when a young man is just starting a relationship and does not yet know how to present himself correctly in bed. Such a sexual failure is remembered and in the future forces him to rush into multiple relationships, in an attempt to prove to himself that he is a man anywhere.
Any difficulties in the family can become an impetus for betrayal and the appearance of a permanent mistress. Some men, not knowing how to resolve conflicts, prefer to have a pleasant relationship with their mistress and see less of their evil wife.
Men are also strongly influenced by the propaganda of a depraved lifestyle that has intensified in recent decades, when some trainers in “male psychology” inspire men that the one who lives with the same lady is a deer and a mug. But real men must have both a wife and a mistress in order to live cheerfully and freely. Those who fall into the trap of such gurus often regret that after the betrayal, the wife filed for divorce, but nothing can be corrected.
Where does he go?2
If you ask women from 20 to 70 what qualities they value in men and what kind of prince they would like to see next to them, then each will note the classic qualities:
- rich;
- not stupid;
- “handy”, that is, he knows how to do everything around the house;
- a good father to children;
- generous;
- caring.
The idea of an ideal prince does not change; he is a brave fellow with whom he can go to the mountains or to the ends of the world. Absolute harmony occurs when partners share all responsibilities among themselves, try to alleviate the lot of the other, and do not dump their share on the spouse. At some point, everything shifts, the wife becomes the head of the family, giving instructions, dumping everyday life on her husband, leaving only pleasant and easy things for herself.
She is tired, she feels bad, she has no strength, her head always hurts. The second option is that women are simply spoiled by a man and let loose, confident that he will not go anywhere. Everyday life drags along like a quagmire, and in this quagmire, a strong and independent man’s nerves begin to fail. A star appears, light in the window, joy and lightness in the form of a mistress.
How do men treat their mistresses? Like a holiday, a small cozy bright holiday, where he is not rude or rude, he is happy, greeted with a smile, and seen off with sincere sadness. Wives partly guess about the state of affairs, but it is not always possible to awaken in themselves lightness, liveliness, and the desire to be a star for him.
He runs away to where it is better. There they wait and hope that he will come. But here they know what’s coming. And the difference in feelings about one’s own importance fuels interest in relationships. No one knows how long everything will last, but as long as the attitude of the new passion does not change, the man will hold on to the breath of fresh air in the face of his mistress with his hands and feet.
What does a man expect from his mistress, why does he need her?
If you look at divorce statistics, in many cases men blame their ex-wives for not living up to their expectations. What are these expectations and why is a man so confident that a woman can give it to him? A man wants to see a well-groomed, cheerful and gentle young lady nearby who will not burden him with her problems. She should always be in touch with him and never refuse sex. Some believe that a mistress should also not be a fool in order to have something to talk about, but these are already rare requests from individual aesthetes.
In fact, in a marriage after the birth of a child, it is very difficult for a woman to meet such requirements. She is tired, sick, perhaps also working, but she needs to serve her husband and create comfort in the house. Not all men want to help with the baby and housework. So it turns out that a sad and tired wife can no longer satisfy her husband in any way. Hence the betrayal.
Male psychology is such that the stronger sex does not like to spend a long time understanding the reasons; he simply does what he likes and avoids conflicts. This is how the main reason for the appearance of a mistress arises - dissatisfaction in the family.
Routine relationships prevent a man from relaxing after work and enjoying family life. Moreover, the wife is tired and angry - what kind of romance is there? Therefore, it is easier for a man to find a girl on the side and have a good time than to help his wife solve family problems.
Often in a family, after several years of living together, spouses feel cold towards each other. If a man is a temperamental lover by nature and really loves female attention and affection, but does not receive it from his wife, then he will definitely find a woman who will provide all this to him in the best possible way.
you may also be interested in: Why do men cheat?
A mistress can also be a friend with whom it is pleasant to discuss some issues related to work or common interest, while the spouse is far from these topics. Such a connection can last for years, because when people feel good together, they have no need to be separated.
Who are you, homewrecker?
Wives always imagine a woman from the cover of magazines in lace lingerie, stiletto heels and stockings, with long hair and sharp claws, greedily looking at a simple worker from a factory. Reality breaks all stereotypes. Often this is an ordinary woman with a neat hairstyle, an ordinary figure and sad eyes without sparkle. Why sad? Yes, because there is no happiness. There is no one who will warm you for at least an hour, there is no man in the house and not even a hint of his presence.
Of course, there is always the described category with greedy eyes, but they are one step higher and do not look at a simple guy and family man with 20 years of experience. The moral side of a relationship with a married man should be lowered immediately and not brought up, arguing “how could she do this insidiously.”
There is a connection, it happened, and you need to figure out how the perpetrators of the love triangle themselves treat their mistresses and who has a better chance of continuing the relationship. The mistress herself may be even more unhappy than the wife who finds out about the betrayal. She has no happiness in her life, only work and maybe children, but sometimes there are none, just a cat. And suddenly, like a bolt from the blue, He appears.
The one she dreamed about at night, or someone simpler, willing to have sex and a relationship, no, that’s what’s important if there’s no one. He comes to her, caresses and hugs her, spends time in bed, discusses exciting topics and goes back. Often he doesn’t say anything, doesn’t promise anything, is silent and looks guilty, because he’s leaving for the legitimate one. The beautiful story of “living happily ever after” falls apart every time the door slams and loneliness reigns in the room again.
The main reasons for external relationships
The reasons for betrayal are banal, but this does not cease to be relevant.
Most often, a man takes a mistress between the ages of 35 and 40, when he experiences another life crisis of values. At this age, many men reconsider their lives and realize that the best half of it has passed. At the same time, many never felt passion in a relationship. All these thoughts draw a man to search for a hot woman with whom they will experience true love and prove to themselves that they are still young and can do a lot.
With a mistress, especially one who is much younger than him, men feel full of strength, charming and ready for exploits. They often experience all this forbidden passion very acutely, and adrenaline increases the pleasure of betrayal.
Also, often a man finds in his mistress the woman whose ideal he created in his youth. A beautiful, smart, carefree and experienced lady is worth her weight in gold to such men. The relationship may last for more than one year, and the wife may not find out about such a relationship until the divorce.
Open relationship
As an example of a man’s opinion about a relationship with a woman on the side, here is another answer that perfectly describes an open relationship.
In my case, it is difficult to say who a mistress is for a man, since you can hardly qualify my second woman in exactly that way. I think the term implies some form of deception.
I believe that every relationship is a contract, verbal or otherwise stated. I have a very clear understanding of what it means to be in a serious relationship. I won’t go into detail, but one of the principles of my relationship is: “If you’re not happy, then either I’m not good enough or you don’t love me enough.”
If you don't like me enough to accept, love and appreciate me along with the fact that I'm in a relationship with other women, then you're simply too selfish.
When a man's mistress is an outlet
If the relationship with a woman is long-standing, then an unusual relationship arises between her and the man. This is a kind of friendship with sexual overtones. A man trusts her with his secrets, she helps him in everyday affairs, giving wise advice and not expecting anything in return.
A man starts such a relationship when he cannot divorce his wife. Being married, he does not receive from his wife the emotional return he expected, so he gets these feelings on the side.
Such a lover managed to create an aura of calm and joy around herself. A man always rushes to her because she gives him pleasant emotions. His mistress supports him morally and sometimes even financially. He knows he can rely on her.
This relationship usually lasts several years. If the girl is satisfied with everything, then she will continue to live with this man, without trying to take the place of his wife. Often, a young lady may not even realize that her beloved is married if he comes to visit her in another city.
You can't achieve anything by force
When the mistress's patience comes to an end, she realizes that her expectations are not met and begins to get angry, blame the man for everything, and then blackmail is used. I worked a lot with triangles. There are times when a very young girl finds herself in such a situation. And the man has status, he has a career and reputation. And blackmail is simply dangerous for her life.
Blackmail and manipulation begin, the man begins to get angry and think through ways of retreat, how to calm her down so that she does not cause grief to him or to herself, first of all. He did not promise the woman anything else, so he does not understand her complaints. The man begins to move away, the manipulations intensify, and the relationship becomes worse.
Even in such situations, threats to tell your wife everything do not work. This happens when the tension reaches such a level that a woman no longer has the strength to endure. The man is triggered by guilt and fear, and he begins to hate his mistress. Accordingly, he quickly leaves because he understands that this relationship has now become dangerous. This woman is now a danger to his entire system, she can destroy everything. All the good feelings go away.
Sometimes mistresses simply try to influence a man through persuasion and requests. He responds to this with promises that do not lead to serious action. This method doesn't work either. The begging mistress is in a too unequal position compared to the wife, who holds the entire house and continues its lineage. Therefore, the mistress will always be the most vulnerable link in the triangle; she will suffer the most.
When a man is married and his mistress is married
The reason for such relationships is quality sex or friendship. Neither of them expects their partner to get divorced, so this connection is very stable. When they meet, they rarely discuss their other halves, preferring to enjoy each other in a romantic setting. For dates, they rent a hotel room or an apartment, but do not lead a common life, so their relationship is devoid of everyday difficulties and problems. They always meet in a good mood and sincerely enjoy such relationships.
Married lovers are not going to destroy each other's families. It is in their interests to maintain secrecy and enjoy the pleasant moments of rare meetings.
The problem arises if one of the partners decides to legitimize the relationship and threatens to tell interested parties about this connection. Conflicts can lead to a break if the other partner does not want any changes. On the other hand, maybe if they succeed in getting a divorce, they will be able to build their ideal family.
Why does a girl develop “mistress psychology”?i
Most often, the qualities of a lover are ingrained in a girl from early childhood. For example, in kindergarten she lost to her rivals and felt disadvantaged. Then the desire to take revenge on other representatives of the same sex migrates into adulthood.
The psychology of a lover is not formed in one day. You can’t tell yourself after a difficult breakup: “That’s it, now I’ll be a homewrecker” and really become one. Many girls take this path, but quickly return to their previous worldview, because the position of the mistress is very precarious, and homewreckers rarely win.
Psychologists believe that the reason lies deeper. In this case, we are not talking about the homewreckers themselves, but about those for whom women are fighting. A normal married man may suddenly realize that his feelings for another girl are stronger than for his own wife, but he will not play to all goals at once, and will try to separate from his legal wife. However, this is extremely rare, and most often, a woman who gets into an already established couple will not replace the wife’s place, but will remain a temporary “toy”.
Such a game is painful for female self-esteem, and girls who consciously enter into it rate themselves too low, and also try to assert themselves by breaking up an already established family, but as a result they only become disappointed in themselves and finally lose confidence in their own attractiveness and attractiveness to men .
Sometimes spouses, in order to fight off their rival, try to understand the motives of her behavior. However, everything is simple here - girls who take guys away from their wives are often very unsure of themselves, have low self-esteem and are afraid of loneliness.
Why do men break up with their mistresses?
Most often this happens when the relationship has outlived its usefulness and reached a dead end. The mistress was tired of being a thing, a toy in the hands of others, or she wanted to legitimize the relationship. A man always reacts nervously to such requests and in most cases it would never occur to him to divorce his wife because of a passing infatuation. Such a conflict will lead to an inevitable separation, before which the mistress, out of revenge, may well tell the man’s wife about his betrayal.
A man, for his part, will not leave his mistress if she performs her functions regularly and with joy. Such a relationship can last more than one year. He will leave the girl only if he gets tired of her or if he finds a new hobby. Male psychology in relationships with a mistress directly suggests that a man is always the initiator of a breakup. In one case, he can leave the woman himself, and in another, under her pressure, if she wants to become more than a random girl for him.
How can a mistress become a wife?
By acting gently and carefully, you can influence a man, showing him the advantages of a future life together, in which there will be no new problems. You need to build a line of behavior in such a way that he himself wants to stay.
Dramatic changes in life are scary. Before you decide to transfer the relationship from the status of lovers to the status of a married couple, to build a strong, long-term relationship with a married man, you need to act slowly.
First of all, you need to show respect for his decisions, give him the opportunity to choose, allow him to do as he considers necessary. Pressure or imposing your opinion is a waste of time.
In addition, you should not:
- burden with your problems;
- criticize, ridicule or speak negatively about his spouse, thereby disrespecting his choice;
- start quarrels, showing your jealousy;
- insist on dating when it is really impossible;
- show impatience, exert pressure or attempt to manipulate through whims or unreasonable insults;
- intrude, look for random encounters.
Who is this mistress anyway? 3
In the times of romanticism, people would have said that mistress is from the word “love,” but modern women whose husbands have been taken away prefer another, more offensive option - “homewrecker” or “bitch.”
A very succinct and understandable description was given by none other than Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky in the novel The Idiot - “There are women who are only suitable as mistresses, and nothing else.” They are completely satisfied with the free format of the relationship, because it is convenient and easy.
The lover does not need to cook dinners, pick him up from work and even worry about whether he is spending time with another lover. Initially, a woman understands her situation and, more often than not, does not strive for more, because she is already sure of failure.
Contrary to the prevailing stereotypes in society, a mistress is not always a lady in couture clothes and thin high-heeled shoes, languidly batting her eyelashes and luring married men into her network. This is most often a simple girl or woman who works with a man, or meets representatives of the opposite sex in companies or cafes.
The decision to have a girlfriend on the side does not come instantly. Mistresses are often radically different from a homely, cozy, good and warm, but such a boring wife and that is why they are interesting.
With such a woman, he is distracted from everyday and work problems and worries, has fun, and relieves accumulated tension.
A guide for girls on what a mistress should do to become an ideal woman is in our article at the link.
A child who grew up without a father
No one is surprised if the parents divorced, and only the mother is involved in upbringing. This situation occurs regularly, but it leaves an imprint on the life of every girl. Father's warmth, care and advice are things that any daughter needs.
If she does not receive this in childhood, she begins to look for similar things in adulthood. The simplest example: young girls often build relationships with more mature ones, because they are experienced and give the necessary advice.
All this also applies to the role of a mistress, because married men seem to be an ideal option for relationships.
