Married mistress of a married man - psychology of lovers' relationships: what to do if a woman falls in love with a guy and he has a wife

In this article we will tell you:

6 versions of why men need mistresses
Why does a married man need a mistress?
6 signs that a man has a mistress

The question of why men need mistresses is asked by almost all women. Any keeper of the family hearth sincerely tries to fill all the niches and corners of the soul of her chosen one. But for some reason, representatives of the stronger half of humanity still go to the left. Even when everything is cloudless on the family front.

There are many explanations for this. New theories are born almost every day. This topic has been discussed by psychologists, sexologists, philosophers and millions of ladies with broken hearts. We also decided to raise this issue.

Why do wives cheat?

Many perceive male adultery as the norm, attributing everything to physiology and polygamy. They have many signals: they want change, they want to express sexual energy and just have fun. Many people don’t even think that a guy’s betrayal counts.

But girls are usually treated more demandingly, and therefore they are accustomed to hiding an affair more carefully. Let's figure out where it comes from. The usual “excuses” for men are unacceptable here:

Sexual attraction at the level of instinct - women are more likely to focus on feelings and emotions.
Novelty is repulsive, because they are attracted to stability.
Self-affirmation - no, because only a guy can assert himself, and for a girl such a reputation will only become offensive.

It is interesting to note that the real reasons are strongly related to the marital relationship. Common reasons why a married woman falls in love with a married or single man:

Poor relationship with your spouse, lack of affection, care, tenderness and sense of security. Psychological discomfort.
Lack of attention: the husband does not notice the new haircut or new clothes. He spends all his time in the garage under the car or in the company of his friends, leaving his wife to while away the lonely evenings.
Revenge. What if the man has already been caught in adultery? Of course, many go through this stage, forgive, try to forget, but subconsciously there is a certainty that the traitor should be punished.
Dissatisfaction in intimate life. Sometimes the spouse stops performing marital duty altogether or performs it, caring exclusively about his own pleasure - no foreplay, prolonged caresses, romance or gratification of sexual desires. The second common option is satiety with monotony.
Lack of emotions. Sometimes it happens like this: boring, the same, stable. I want adventure, like in a romantic film - an explosion, a storm, but at home everything is ordinary. Everyday life eats up men too - they stop expressing their feelings, which leads to a complete emotional vacuum in the family.
Finding the perfect love or a prince on a white horse. Often marriage occurs after an unplanned pregnancy or for other reasons, when they hoped for “endure and fall in love.” But all the years of marriage they are looking for that one and only.
Love. An outburst of intense mutual feelings can lead to an affair.

Lack of support and lack of sex

One of the reasons why a married man takes a young mistress is a problematic relationship with his wife. If this is temporary, for example, during a crisis, then he may not start a long-term relationship on the side. But in situations where the problem is not resolved, a short-term affair can develop into a serious romance.

Intimacy is a need of any sexually mature adult. Each individual has a different temperament, a unique level of sexual activity and need for intimacy. If the temperaments of husband and wife do not match, one of the spouses remains dissatisfied. In the long term, a lack of sex leads to discord in relationships. Satisfying your desires and realizing your fantasies is the explanation why men have passionate lovers.

READ How to behave if your husband has a mistress

Another problem that is also associated with cheating is lack of support. It is important for a representative of the stronger sex that a woman believes in him and shares his values and life goals. The need for support is not met for the following reasons:

excessive criticism;
the wife's authoritarian character;
the wife's lack of faith in her husband's success;
discrepancy between life values and priorities.

Husbands left without the support of their wives do not cease to need it, so they continue to look for it, which over time develops into a love relationship on the side. Women who feel a lack of attention and resentment distance themselves from men even more. So over time, one problem is superimposed on others, which is why the marriage is destroyed. It is better to stop this before the destructive process begins.

Reasons why a married man loves a married woman

Most husbands are not going to divorce. As I noted, they do not see anything wrong with betrayal, so they treat their mistress with ease, as temporary entertainment.

If a girl is unmarried, she intuitively hopes for the continuation of the relationship and its legalization. She has a lot of free time that can be spent on calls, messages, meetings. They are more interested in gifts and constant attention.

A married woman, on the contrary, is different:

Unpretentiousness: she is satisfied with her current situation, she does not want to change anything.
The desire to give all the love and tenderness, she is an experienced woman, she already knows a lot, she does not strive to play a role that is inaccessible.
The need to hide relationships. She will not gossip or tell her colleagues and friends.
Material considerations. It’s simply impossible to give expensive gifts - after all, how will she tell her legal husband about the new acquisition.

Loss of love, need for novelty and falling in love

Most often, relationships on the side between spouses begin to develop during the most difficult periods for a marriage. One of the reasons why men take mistresses is explained by psychology. This is the loss of love in marriage, the fading of passion. Feelings do not last forever, but their absence is not always a reason for divorce. A family is united not only by love, but also by mutual obligations, responsibility, and shared property.

If, as a result of loss of love, a husband starts an affair with another woman, but does not leave his wife, then he is satisfied with such a relationship. He finds the fulfillment of his desires and needs in a relationship with his mistress. In such situations, it is possible to correct anything, but this requires well-coordinated joint work by both partners on the relationship.

READ I cheated on my boyfriend: what is the reason and how to maintain love

An unfaithful spouse is not always satisfied with having relationships outside of marriage. Remorse from deception adds a hint of bitterness to a romantic affair and prevents you from fully enjoying the connection. An unfaithful husband will try to fix the situation by getting entangled in a love triangle.

The following steps will help with this:

frank conversation with your wife about problems in your marriage;
establishing contact;
awareness of your needs;
constructive dialogue, voicing your desires.

There is no need to rush into confessions. Not every woman is able to forgive betrayal. If the husband himself figures out why he needs a mistress and can get this from his wife, then harmony in the relationship will be restored.

What does a married woman want from a married man and why does she prefer him?

In general, the reasons are similar. But jealousy is mixed in. Bachelors have a strong sense of ownership; they are not used to sharing a girl with anyone, even if the legal spouse is claiming. They will express dissatisfaction in every possible way; in case of a breakup, they may even threaten or blackmail.

Psychologist Daria Milai

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A lover who has a spouse will not be jealous, because he himself is in a similar state. He will not make a scene, blackmail, or publicize a secret affair, because he will have to divorce his wife first.

Another “minus” of bachelors is that they need a lot of free time spent together. In addition, the lack of commitment leads to the fact that they have a less regular sex life and uncontrolled sexual intercourse becomes more frequent.

Another advantage of married people is that they are reliable, accustomed to keeping their promised words, and acting appropriately, in accordance with the situation.

We conclude: if a lover and mistress are both married, they are more confident in each other and know how to relax and distract themselves from everyday problems together.

Love or self-affirmation

There is a common belief as to why married men seek out and have mistresses. They do this due to low self-esteem. When a man does not have a sufficient level of self-esteem and self-confidence, he will try to compensate for this by all available means.

You can understand why a married man needs a mistress by looking at his attitude towards himself. Husbands who want to improve their self-esteem have affairs outside of marriage and do not leave their wives, because they feel the need for them too. A married lover simply needs proof of his attractiveness.

Additional factors that contribute to love affairs:

adrenaline - the risk of exposure adds acuity to sensations and experiences;
freshness of feelings;
sexual diversity;
lack of responsibility, shared everyday problems and routine.

A man who strives to increase his self-esteem and sense of self-worth through sexual victories fails to achieve what he wants. This only makes the situation worse, as other methods are needed. Mistresses are a temporary solution that does not lead to long-term results, but only aggravates existing psychological problems.

READ How to forgive a guy for cheating and is it worth doing?

How to deal with a married lover

Girls should be careful and not leave traces of their presence, and also not count on too much. In 95 percent of cases, he will not get divorced and will not propose marriage to you. I will give specific recommendations.

Behavior rules

Insist on meetings on neutral territory.
Never use his wife’s things - do not use perfumes, hygiene products, cosmetics.
Do not call first, do not write SMS or messages on social networks. Your best option is not to leave any written evidence of affection.
Don't demand too much: family is always more important.

If you are confused and find yourself in a difficult situation, I recommend signing up for my consultation. I will listen to your problems, give advice and recommendations.

Psychologists' opinion

Psychology very accurately shows why a man takes a young mistress. The answer to this question is different in each individual case. The opinion of experts is that problems in the family are the reason why men have mistresses, and not a consequence. Therefore, it is important to understand the reasons. Psychologists believe that outside relationships cannot make a man happy for the following reasons:

relationships outside marriage are built on lies and bring suffering to all participants in the triangle;
entangled in feelings for two women, the lover constantly faces self-condemnation;
sooner or later the truth will emerge, and this may cause discord in family relationships or even lead to divorce;
the need to constantly deceive and hide in order to maintain a relationship makes a person unhappy;
Because of relationships outside the family, other areas of life suffer.

If love for his wife has faded, and feelings for another woman have appeared, a person should be honest with himself. There is no point in maintaining a dead relationship. Breaking up is a painful but honest solution to the problem. It gives a chance for happiness to all three sides of the love triangle.

For a married man, a mistress is not always the result of his immorality and sexual promiscuity. Usually the reasons for adultery are much more subtle. If you identify them in time, diagnose and eliminate the problem, there is every chance of saving the marriage, reviving happiness, love and harmony in your relationship with your wife.

Benefits of being a lover

This is an easy relationship - there is no need to give reports, promises, you can break it off at any time. No guilt, only freedom.
A rich experience. How can you find out the type of man that suits you if you don’t try to get closer to him?
Have a nice stay. The beloved on the side receives more entertainment, cafes and even trips to resorts than the legal spouse. Enjoy life without obligations.
Rest from household duties. You will open the buttons on the shirt, and someone else will sew them on. How to cook borscht, wash socks, iron suits.
Fresh emotions, including from extreme sports.
Material support. Often a man strives to provide for his beloved. You can expect even such large gifts as a car or an apartment from a well-to-do businessman.

What does a married gentleman expect from his mistress?

Husbands decide to cheat spontaneously, but this becomes a consequence of a long-term lack of satisfaction of basic mental and physical needs. But a permanent relationship on the side is not an impulsive betrayal, but a balanced, albeit emotional, decision. Explaining why a married man needs a permanent mistress, psychologists list the following reasons:

for inspiration and support;
for sexual satisfaction;
to feel needed;
for a break from routine;
for self-affirmation, maintaining self-confidence.

This is what pushes people to look for love affairs outside of marriage. A man most often takes a permanent mistress to satisfy unconscious needs.

Why do guys have relationships on the side?

Any person gets tired of monotony, and the male half of humanity has never been monogamous. Causes:

Mental rejuvenation. This is especially true for people aged 45+. They are interested in younger girls, they make them feel young and reckless.
I want to get away from my wife's nagging. The spouse nags on various issues, while the mistress is ready to listen with understanding.
Aesthetic pleasure: in the evenings he is greeted by a beautifully made-up, well-groomed lady in sexy lingerie, and not slippers, a robe and curlers.
New sensations in bed. Sex with the same partner for 10-20 years often leads to decreased libido.
Revenge on the wife if she committed adultery.

Advice for a married lover

In connection with the reasons for betrayal, I want to emphasize that you will not replace his family, but only several areas of his life. Therefore, 95% of the time he will not abandon his wife. Do not spoil your and his nerves by demanding a divorce, blackmailing, contacting your wife.

Ask a question

Why does a man need a mistress?

Scientists have found that humans belong to the group of polygamous mammals, although they retain their ability to build other forms of social connections. This is one of the main reasons for male infidelity. A sociological survey conducted with the participation of 1000 people showed that 41% of men have mistresses. Another 10% admitted that they decided to have relationships with other women, but did not consider them as permanent partners. Psychologists decided to find out why a man needs a mistress. Here are the answers we received:

A third of the stronger sex had a mistress as a result of the feeling of falling in love.
Half of the men surveyed need a mistress for enchanting sex, since their wives are not satisfied with their intimate life.
A small percentage of men surveyed justified their outside relationships as a way to relieve boredom.

A separate category is husbands who consider cheating to be a means of self-affirmation. The rest admitted that they committed betrayal in moments of weakness, driven only by sexual attraction.

READ Testing fidelity: effective methods of exposure
In some cases, love affairs arise during periods of personal crises. Psychologists note that older representatives of the stronger sex take on young lovers at turning points, trying to regain the feeling of youth. On a subconscious level, they try in this way to delay the onset of old age, to prove to themselves that they are still attractive. After the end of the crisis, the craving for love deeds fades away, and the spouse returns with pleasure to the familiar family space. But sometimes families are destroyed as a result of such hobbies.

Recommendations if a married woman falls in love with a married man

In this situation, it is necessary to understand that both partners are in an equal position. Adviсe:

Respect his personal space, then he will take care of yours too.
Set boundaries and agreements – when and where meetings are scheduled, how communication will take place.
Take care of your family and value it above all else - lovers can change, but children will always remain.
Don't get involved with your spouse's friend/colleague, this will lead to the connection being quickly revealed.
Hide your emotions in front of your husband. If he is attentive, he will notice the shine of his eyes, increased attention to appearance, and a loving smile when reading an SMS.
Make sure you have a good alibi. This could be a club you go to with a friend. A great option is going to the gym 3 times a week.
Label gifts, but don't hide them. Tell us about your mother’s birthday present or your own purchase with the bonus you received.
Correspondence and calls - only at work using a company computer/phone. No personal gadgets.
Wash away the smell of men's perfume and the aroma of aftershave lotion.

If your mistress is an “alternate airfield”

It often happens that a married gentleman begins an affair on the side precisely at the moment when his marriage began to crack at the seams. He is not yet sure whether he wants a divorce, since he does not want to rush to part with his legal wife, but his feelings for his new lover are in full swing.

Of course he will have to choose. But it all depends on which of the two women wants to be with this man more:

the wife suddenly changes her behavior. A disheveled hysterical woman will turn into a caring princess, forcing her husband to look at her with different eyes;
the homewrecker will prove that she is better. At home there are constantly scandals, dirt, cold dinner, but with her it’s warm, cozy and dizzying sex.

Surprisingly, sometimes it happens that it is not the prodigal husband, but the rivals themselves who have to choose who he will stay with . He does not see this war for his heart until the very end. Take the test and find out what your chances are of getting your husband back

How to get away from the family

This is a rare occurrence, but you can achieve a divorce following these recommendations:

Act quickly. An impulsive decision is made in the first months of falling in love.
Find out more about personality, habits, activities, preferences.
Become a friend, listen to complaints, give advice.
Collect information about your wife and be better than her - externally, intellectually.
Give him what he doesn't get at home.
Don’t dismiss your problems; if you want to help, he will become interested himself.
Don't focus on finances.
Any contact with the legal spouse is prohibited.

Permanent lover - who is she?

It is difficult to say unequivocally why a married man needs a mistress - after all, each of them has his own reasons for cheating. A mistress is not just a sexual partner, it is certain feelings, status and lifestyle.

There are mistresses who do not stay in a man’s life for long, but there are also those who go hand in hand with him for many years, almost like a legal wife.

The constant mistress of a married man is convenient because you can come to her in moments of despair, when your wife doesn’t understand, your boss is pushing you, and your children are not doing well in school. She will understand and warm you on her chest, this is why she is valued. Having several mistresses is not beneficial for a family man either financially or morally.

But still, why do you need a mistress? What do husbands lack with their wives?

Is it possible to avoid betrayal?

To rule out adultery, give your spouse:

a varied sex life - don’t be afraid to experiment in bed;
a stable life with its own foundations;
aesthetic pleasure - visit the beauty salon and gym more often, do not forget to put on makeup before dinner together;
do not give reasonable reasons for jealousy.

With such a life partner, a faithful person will not want to turn to the left.

If he is proud of his mistress

Another reason why a husband cannot leave his mistress is the pride he feels from owning such a sexy beauty. Everyone around her admires her, and men follow her with lustful glances .

As a rule, this situation is common for wealthy men who generously shower their sweetheart with gifts, but at the same time keep their spouse on a short leash. Usually the wife knows that the other half is moving to the left, but she cannot do anything, since money plays a decisive role. Take the test and find out what your chances are of getting your husband back

Husband's mistress. Men's motives for having a mistress.

Husband's mistress. When we talk about cheating men and their mistresses, it’s logical to immediately ask: Don’t these men and women know that doing this is bad and generally impossible? We answer: Of course, they all know! They are well aware of all the risks for themselves and loved ones, especially for their children. That is why they act like real intelligence officers, encrypting themselves and hiding from everyone around them. Most often - for many years.

If they know and understand everything, it means they have some very good reasons! After all, as we know, even a bird that chirps on a branch has some good reason for this: it calls for a partner to mate; or notifies others that this tree is already occupied for the construction of a nest; or challenges a possible competitor to a fight, etc. What can we say about reasonable people: there are many times more motives for absolutely any action here!

Speaking about the motivation of mistresses and lovers, conducting a professional dialogue with them every day, in each specific story, usually, I immediately hear about the totality of motives, their whole set. Moreover, the composition of the sets can vary greatly, but the total number of motifs featured is still limited. In real life, for a man to have a mistress or for a girl to agree to be in this role, a certain number of motives out of a total of fifteen possible ones are at work. What is interesting is that:

Having the same general list of motives for intimate meetings, married men and their mistresses prioritize them in different ways.

It is because of this that in the vast majority of couples “a married man – his mistress,” a tough internal struggle begins quite quickly, which for a long time is hidden not only from others, but also from the partner. The direction, comfort, duration and consequences of the relationship depend on the outcome of this “struggle of motives under the blanket.” To make all this clear and understandable, to see how the internal psychological mechanisms of betrayal work, you should first describe separately the motives of cheating men and their mistresses, and then compare them.

I'll start with men's motives for cheating. Arranging them according to the degree of significance for the men themselves, which was described by many thousands of cheating men with whom I had to work as a psychologist. Where motives 1,2,3... are the most important and frequently occurring motives, motives ...13,14,15 are less important and less common.

15 male motives for a relationship with his mistress:

1. husband’s mistress - Sexual motive
2. husband’s mistress - The motive for comfortable communication.
3. husband's mistress - Self-affirmation motive.
4. husband's mistress - Leisure motive.
5. husband's mistress - Motive for achieving common goals.
6. husband’s mistress - The motive of mutual solidarity in the team.
7. husband's mistress - Motive of amorous exploitation.
8.husband's mistress - Reproduction motive.
9. husband's mistress - social motive.
10. husband’s mistress - Motive for creating a family
11. husband’s mistress - career motive
12.husband's mistress - Housing motive.
13. husband’s mistress - financial and material motive
14. husband’s mistress - Motive of resentment and revenge
15. husband’s mistress - migration motive

Now I will decipher these motives and make them more understandable for you. At the same time, let me remind you: although these motives have now been listed specifically as “male”, and in the order and priority that is characteristic of cheating men, these motives themselves are similar to the motives of girls-lovers. It’s just that their order and priority are completely different (more on that below). Therefore, now, revealing the content of these motives, so as not to duplicate this work in the chapter on female motives, I will describe them as universal for men and women.

15 motives for taking a mistress/lover:

1. The motive is sexual . A person gets the sex he likes; in the quantity he dreams of; when he wants it. A man or woman who has not been able to obtain complete satisfaction in their existing relationship requires from the new partner (mistress) reliability, emotionality, emancipation and readiness for bold erotic experiments. Successful combination on this basis often turns out to be more significant than on all subsequent points. This motive is usually the most important for men throughout the entire period of the relationship. For girls it is also significant, however, girls do not stay in relationships for long just because of sex.

There is often a situation when a man or woman, who once started a family without much sexual experience, having matured and found their feet, suddenly decides to explore the world sexually. So to speak, “to know the world through knowledge of other people and oneself in the erotic sense of the word.” Or they want to catch up and outstrip more experienced comrades. Most often this happens under the influence of close circle, where someone colorfully describes those sweets of intimate life that have not yet been encountered within the family. Or under the influence of social networks with their provocative glossy photographs, as well as the erotic film industry.

2.Motive of comfortable communication. When it is difficult for a person to find a partner with whom it would be comfortable to conduct a dialogue on a variety of topics, or just talk about life. For example, after the birth of a child, the wife’s interests changed so much that it became difficult for the husband to communicate with her: a deficit arose, which was filled by another girl - his mistress. Or a successful and socially active husband gradually became frankly bored talking with his wife, who has ten to twenty years of experience as a housewife and has lost touch with the real world.

Or, a young but socially precocious female colleague at the same time had discomfort in communicating with her peers who were “stuck in childhood.” Here's an adult married colleague who was just the right choice for communication.

Chatting over a cup of hot tea or coffee often leads to hot sex.

In the motive of comfortable communication, accepting a person as he is is very important. That is, with the whole set of its features and circumstances. For example, a man has been married for ten, fifteen or twenty years. During this time he became a different person. Moreover, for now it doesn’t even matter – others with a + or – sign. The main thing is that he became different! This may cause rejection on the part of his wife, her relatives, or his own grown-up children. This creates discomfort in the family. But another girl, who did not know what this man was like before, easily accepts him for who he is. Including a womanizer, an alcoholic, a criminal, etc. Or, conversely, a self-confident, strong leader, and not a bespectacled “nerd” of his youth. Or accepts him as an intelligent, respected person. His wife remembered him as a novice manager or an ordinary official. Or an eternally drunk gopnik and bandit. That’s why she doesn’t believe in his glasses, white shirt and feigned piety.

This is the eternal dilemma: “To be or to appear,” when you can be one thing, appear to be another, and want to appear to be a third. In general, the pattern is simple:

Whoever accepts a person as he is now, has become in fact, or as a person wants to present himself to others, will always receive more dividends from such communication than those who remember the person in the past and know his true face.

For example, a girl of 20-25 years old is still yesterday’s student intern for her work colleagues, a young girl for her parents, but for some married man she is already an adult woman, with all the ensuing consequences. She is more comfortable with someone who will treat her like a woman.

This motive also has its negative side. An alcoholic whose wife does not drink alcohol every day in her husband's life will find it easy to communicate with a mistress who drinks herself. The man will eventually continue to drink, divorce his sober wife, and continue drinking with his new wife. Or a man prone to adventure and fraud may become attached to such an adventuress who “understands” him. Having left his “correct” wife, he will be happy for some time. But having lost his “fuse for life,” he can get into big trouble in the future. Etc.

3.Motive of self-affirmation. It has two options, which can work one at a time, or can be present at the same time. Of course, the full set works twice as efficiently. But sometimes one is enough.

Option A. When a person receives psychological pleasure from having a partner who is admired by everyone around him: beautiful and sexy, rich and authoritative, caring and reliable, etc. By taking what they themselves call a “prestigious”, “trophy”, “going out” lover, successful men treat their youth complexes in this way. This is when beautiful peers had not yet looked at them, as they were interested in older and wealthier people. Girls, with similar premium partners, seem to be “wiping the nose” of their friends so that they are jealous. Or they hurt their previous men, who could not appreciate them in time, did not invite them to marry, etc.

Option B. A man who has been silenced by a hard or soft, but hysterical wife, often dreams of such communication with a woman where he will be the Master, the Man with a capital M! When he has the last word. When exactly he makes a decision, and it is no longer discussed. When they understand him the first time, and do not consult with his mother or friends. When it is not he who always puts up with his wife first (regardless of who is right), but the girl herself shows how much she values the man. When he can come up and get sex whenever he wants, without begging, without being in a sad waiting mode.

This request is especially often heard from men who have not had much experience communicating with girls, who started a family with a classmate or classmate (etc.) in their early youth. Men have grown up, matured, earned money and high status, but, unfortunately for themselves, for their wife (if she didn’t switch in time) they are still “low-authority boys.” With an appropriate attitude without much piety and respect. When a serious man can be scolded in front of everyone, but at home he can be deprived of sex, punished with “silence” or shamed in front of children, etc. So it turns out that a man seems to “grow out” of his wife, after which he begins to look for a more comfortable partner.

If, growing up, people change for the better, however, their close people do not see or appreciate this, unfortunately, the former grow out of the latter, like a snake grows out of its old skin. After which, the old skin can be shed...

And at this time, a certain girl, who was crushed in the family by a tyrant or abusive husband, also has a request to become a “queen” for someone else. And if another man suddenly offers a format of communication that increases her self-esteem, the girl may fall in love and throw herself headlong into the pool of love.

4. Leisure motive. If the family has reached a certain level of wealth and can afford to start living a more vibrant life, but the man’s wife is no longer interested in having fun in bars and clubs, traveling abroad and in Russia, social events and presentations (etc.), but this is not what he wants I really want the mistress to take on the escort function. Or the girl herself loves fun, but preferably at someone else’s expense. Or the girl herself has the means to do this, but the male peers around her have not yet fully matured and do not feel safe in hot places, and therefore they themselves do not strive there, and the girl is not invited. So her motives coincide with a married man.

A common situation is when someone in the family strives to have active hobbies that are not supported by their existing partner. For example: alpine skiing and snowboarding; skates; kiting and windsurfing; gym; yachting; diving; mountaineering; bikerism; air piloting; paragliders; various types of motorsports; running up to the marathon; Horseback Riding; rafting; bike; hardening-winter-wintering; excursion or pilgrimage tours; historical reconstructions and exploratory archaeological activities; treasure hunting; volunteering; musical hobbies; tango, salsa and hustle; hunting and fishing; golf; polo; volleyball, basketball, football; collective intellectual games such as quiz, “what, where, when”, etc.

In this situation, sooner or later a person will appear who will share first common hobbies, and then bed. Subsequently, it is bed that will become the most interesting common hobby. Only now the wife or husband will not know about it. At least not right away.

5.Motive for achieving common goals. It often happens that after a certain number of years of marriage, a man decides to make significant adjustments to his life goals or direction of activity. For example: move from public service (service in law enforcement agencies, creative activities, science, etc.) to running your own business. Or move to another city, region, another country. Change religion. On the contrary, leave business for creative, political or social activities, become a blogger, etc. But this turned out to be neither accepted nor supported by the legal spouse. As a result, a man may begin to look for an inspiring partner, a “fellow traveler.” That is, the girl who perceives the man’s goals as her own will achieve them together with him, ensuring mutual interest in the couple. So a fair wind will begin to blow into the sails of sex.

In the word “fellow traveler in life,” the root, of course, is “path,” but the prefix with the root forms another word that is very important for cheating men.

Or the girl herself has her own specific interesting projects (business, creativity, charity, etc.), which will seem attractive to a married man she knows. As a result, the joint implementation of this project will bring people so close that they will bring them into a common bed.

6. The motive of mutual solidarity in the team. It also happens that neither a married man nor his future mistress planned to create a couple at all. However, they were put to work in the same office or given a common project. Or they began to go on business trips together, to improve their qualifications, to study, to general corporate events. Or they both, for some reason, turned out to be outcasts in the team. It doesn’t matter why the man and woman became close, the main thing is that they had to communicate a lot and often together. This is how a classic office romance is born: First, the skills of comfortable interaction were formed, then mutual responsibility, then warmth. Then everything is logical:

In relationships between a man and a woman, spiritual warmth often leads to physical warmth.

It often happens that people who oppose the entire team or one of the authorities become especially close to each other. Or newcomers hired around the same time. Everything is also simple here:

The apparent commonality of fate creates the feeling that people are psychologically on the same wavelength and understand each other. Community of fate is logically followed by community of bed.

7.Motif of love exploitation. A certain girl deeply sympathizes with her married boss. This motivates her to work hard for the sake of her idol. The man notices this, receives great benefit for himself, and decides to secure such a valuable shot with his personal attention. A man may not initially have planned to create a love affair, but the very logic of communication leads to this. Relationships become informal at first, and then intimate.

The path to “we” can begin not only from “you”, but also from “you”. From informality to intimacy - one step.

Although it also happens that intimacy already exists, but lovers communicate for a long time “on your own terms.” It’s exactly the same thing if a subordinate man begins to work hard for the benefit of a woman leader. Warm words, reciprocal concern, and then there are kisses and office romance. Interestingly, practice shows that such relationships are incredibly strong! After all, once you get used to the fact that someone is working very efficiently for you, it is very difficult to get off this “needle”!

When good intimacy is cemented by labor efficiency, only those who first restore their skills to work with full dedication will be able to part with their mistress(es). But, alas, very few people can do this...

Psychologists jokingly call this the “lion effect.” As you know, in prides of lions, female lionesses hunt primarily, while lions, most often, are simply parasites. Of course, they guard the territory and growl menacingly, but they don’t really like to work, that is, hunt...

8.Reproductive motive. For example: a man wants to have more children, but his wife refuses to have them in marriage, although everything is fine with housing and income

worthy. Or the wife, due to various health problems, simply physically cannot do this. Or the mistress, being more interesting than the wife in appearance and behavior, convinces the man that she will give him children who will be much more successful in life than those he already has; or, more warmly treating him. Etc.

Or the girl believes that this particular man she has met in life will be able to optimally support her possible future child, and therefore it makes sense to rush to have one even outside of marriage, etc. Or the girl does not want to work in life, plans to be a housewife supported by a man, and for this a serious justification is needed in the form of a child. And so she first finds herself a successful man, assesses his level of responsibility for the children she already has, and gets pregnant from him. Respectful of children, he also accepts an illegitimate child, providing for all the needs of his mistress.

But more often than not, the mistress openly manipulates the guilt of her married partner. Or it’s pressing on the fact that she spent her best years on a man, and she has been given absenteeism in the maternity hospital for a long time. Or she tells him a convincing story that, out of great love, she is ready to give birth to him “just for herself,” without creating problems for him in the future in life. And naive men easily fall for this.

9. The motive is social. When, thanks to an intimate connection with a partner and contacts with his close circle, one can move to a socially higher and more prestigious layer of society. This motive is very popular among ambitious men who strive to become popular as quickly as possible, not through work, but through connections.

But this motif is much more popular among women. As the lovers themselves say, this is a motive for saving time. After all, it’s a very long wait until you grow to the level of oligarchs, mayors, governors and deputies, before getting into closed social events and glossy magazines, and it’s not a fact that this will happen. But if you become the mistress of the “right married man,” you can get all this in just a few months. And there, on a higher level of life, the main thing is not to yawn: take your time to look for someone who is single...

10.Motive for creating a family. This motive is the most controversial. More precisely, the most denied. The fact is that 95% of cheating men usually did not initially think about leaving their existing family and starting a family with another woman.

Only 3-5% of men out of all those who cheat commit adultery, seriously planning a divorce from their wife, or at least allowing it theoretically.

Although approximately 10-15% of cheating men end up doing this by getting divorced and marrying their mistresses. Usually, already under the influence of the manipulations of his mistress and the behavioral mistakes of his wife. And another 25-30% of cheating men, although they did not leave for their mistress, still radically destroy their marriage and their lives. But, since men themselves, when they begin to cheat on their wives, never know what awaits them in the gloomy future, that is why the motive for creating a new family, as a motive for cheating, is in the very last place among men.

But among mistresses, the motive of creating a family always dominates and comes first. (We'll talk about this later). After all, women, even the youngest ones, understand well that marriage to a successful man is the optimal level of social security. Simply put: instead of begging a man for apartments, cars, money, jewelry, travel and children through sex, you can get all this automatically, by default, simply by creating a family with him. After which, by the way, you can try noticeably less in sex. So, no matter how sincerely the mistresses say at the beginning of the relationship that they are definitely in no hurry to start a family, nevertheless, they think about it. And after six months or a year of communication, what was in the head turns out to be on the tongue, heard in conversations. This is how the pressure begins on the married partner.

11. Career motive . When an intimate partner provides employment, promotion up the ladder of positions, protects against labor conflicts with management, etc. It differs from motive No. 9 - “social” in that a person strives to join a social gathering or a premium path of communication. It is much more important for a lover to make a career where he can finally have financial independence.

This motive is not so common among men, but it is very common when cheating within the same work team, when a married man is the girl’s manager. What is important is that the girl-mistress herself may not initially have been a careerist. It’s just that married male managers, starting relationships in a team, out of sexual gratitude, obeying the male instinct of caring for a partner, themselves strive to “pay” their girlfriend in at least some way, using the opportunities that they have. And if there is a way to help his mistress with her career, it begins to be implemented, gradually moving the girl up.

The higher a cheating man soars to the heights of orgasms, the higher he strives to raise his mistress in her career. More often than not, this creates big problems for men in the future. But while sex is good, rationality is temporarily turned off.

12.Housing motive. It happens that a married man does not have conditions at home for an active intimate life (children, parents, etc.). And then the man happily falls for a girl with her own home, a dacha, or at least an office. In advertisements for intimate acquaintances it is written: “there is a place for meetings.” Whether it’s for frequent meetings or not, we’ll see how it goes...

For mistresses, everything is even simpler: at stake is receiving housing from a partner: ownership, rent, for living together with him (her), financial assistance in taking out a mortgage and paying it off. This is a typical male “attraction” for out-of-town girls without housing. Or for girls who are tired of living with problematic parents, dreaming of moving away from them somewhere, at least to someone. Girls quickly understand a simple pattern:

Married men are quicker to resolve housing issues for their mistresses than for their legal wives.

He and his wife can live with their parents for years, but this will not work with their mistress. Therefore, even without having his own home, every self-respecting lover is obliged to dodge, but solve the issue of a meeting place. Everything is simple here: he decided - he will have sex, if he didn’t decide - he won’t!

It is also interesting that if a married man is already over 35 years old, as a rule, he has already gone through a harsh apartment upbringing with two “ws”: life and wife. Which gave him the feeling of a big “F”, and taught him the importance of having his own home, even if once a man did not understand this and delayed for a long time with a mortgage in his family. That is why now, all grown up and wise with life experience, he quickly gets his mistress involved in purchasing a home, helping her with the down payment and monthly payments to the bank.

13.Motive is financial and material. In men, this motive is extremely rare. Although wealthy adults (even married ones) sometimes ladies are not averse to buying themselves a married man from a less affluent social segment. The only exceptions are professional gigolos and parasites, who just need that. Fortunately for women, there are not many of them.

One of the main differences between men and male primates is that men not only can, but also want to work.

And the placement of a man in one or another men’s group depends on who they want to work for - for themselves, for the family, for the employer, for the state, for the country, for the people, for the idea. But this question is not for this book.

For girls, this motive is common. Which is quite normal, since it is important for a girl to be able to support not only herself, but also a possible child. Hence, it is very important for mistresses when a married man pays off a girl’s loans, pays for her education, accommodation, shopping, or simply gives money. Thus, a married man, as it were, “redeems the guilt for his married status”: he compensates the unmarried girl for the inconvenience caused by the loss of that life time during which she will not give birth and will not get married. The man actually pays off and buys a license for additional extramarital sex.

In addition to directly receiving money, you can receive it indirectly, through gifts. When a partner gives cars, household appliances, travel vouchers (shows the world), branded clothing, jewelry, and any other valuable things. Many mistresses define their motivation for relationships with married men: “a man for gifts.”

Mistresses sometimes say directly: “Like male soldiers in some armies, they receive increased pay (the so-called “combat” pay) for participating in hostilities. It’s about the same with us: our status as a mistress is very inconvenient! After all, at any moment a scandal could happen with your wife, or someone would tell everyone around about it and ruin your reputation. So, we seem to be at a “hot spot”. If the sex is very hot, then not only figuratively, but also in the literal sense of the word: we are sitting in the man’s hot seat. That’s why we should receive increased maintenance compared to a wife who lives in more comfortable conditions.”

14.Motive of resentment and revenge. There are situations when a married man or a married woman, knowing that their marriage partner has cheated on them, or regularly gives reasons for jealousy, commits their own betrayal in order to “punish a bad soul mate”, “restore trampled justice”, “find consolation in in the arms of others,” “save on a psychologist, cure the soul not with scientific psychotherapy, but with bodily practices.” It often happens that a couple is formed from two victims of betrayal from their current partners. For example, a married woman who finds out about her husband’s infidelity reports this unpleasant fact to her mistress’s husband, and they begin their own affair. Or vice versa: the first call to the wife of his wife’s lover is made by the offended husband. But, as you know, changing the places of the terms does not change the sum. Especially in bed.

15. Migration motive. A man or woman dreams of changing their city, region, or even country of residence. A person from the place where you want to move can be useful in providing information, legal or financial assistance (etc.) for moving to another location. We start by communicating on the Internet or during a business trip (etc.), then, unbeknownst to ourselves, we form a couple. Or it happens like this: by chance it turns out that someone in your social circle or team wants to go there as you do. But my own wife (husband) doesn’t want to. Again communication on a general topic, then a common bed.

So, I have described those fifteen basic motives for cheating, which are equally applicable to men and women. Their listing followed the logic of cheating men. Now, to complete the picture, it is necessary to consider the motives of girls to become mistresses of married men. However, before doing this, it must be made clear that motives rarely exist alone. Most often, several motives operate in a person’s head at once. Some motives begin, others pick up, and others finish. This is fundamentally important because:

It is the play of motives, their satisfaction or dissatisfaction that ensures not only the beginning of any relationship, but also its course, development and evolution. Relationships between lovers and mistresses are no exception.

As they say: if you want to understand a person, his future, first understand his motives! Another thing is that many people themselves do not understand their motives... Alas and ah. Fortunately, we, psychologists, do this for them.

The set of identical motives in people’s heads shapes their identical behavior: in the family, at work, with children, with mistresses and lovers. This identical behavior, derived from identical motives, is called patterns. Much to the regret of cheating husbands, they and their mistresses are very different. But, to make sure of this, let’s continue our conversation about male motives with male patterns in the article “Male patterns of betrayal.”

If you encounter crises and conflicts in your relationship or family, and your couple is in trouble, I will be happy to give advice from a family psychologist in a personal (in Moscow) or online consultation (via Skype, Viber, WhatsApp or telephone with the whole world) .

Sincerely, family psychologist, Doctor of Science, Professor Andrey Zberovsky.

Did you like my article “Husband’s Mistress. 's motives for having a mistress ? I look forward to your comments!

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When both lovers are married

This kind of relationship, unfortunately, is not uncommon, and this connection does not always complicate life for partners.