Victim psychology is a section devoted to a special, learned type of victim behavior. A separate branch of psychological science, victimology describes not only the characteristics of the victim’s psychology, but also the situations in which this behavior is formed, and the moments of the best way out of stereotypical destructive behavior. If we leave such a serious scientific section, then what remains is a more social psychology of the victim’s behavior on an intuitive level, understandable to many. It is common in society to accept suffering as something positive, something that purifies the soul or demonstrates the positive aspects of a person’s character. This is especially true for women who are constantly forced to pull the burden, who do not have the right to allow themselves insolent pleasure, but who receive support and attention when they begin to complain, get into trouble, or ask in a voice that breaks into tears.
The position of victim psychology spoils life, like bad water - the river itself and everyone who comes into contact, because people are not blind and do not want to be in the trap of manipulation. There is no personal development, as well as her ability to take care of herself, there are only constant complaints and demands. The desire of those around them to do something for such people is less and less, because then they are presented as a tyrant at the slightest refusal.
A child’s infantile position of deliberately reducing one’s own strength and disabling one’s capabilities does not come from the internal innate structure of the personality, but only under the influence of the attitudes of the entire society, which uses negativity in relation to everything as the same manipulation scheme that is used by victims. The victims are not taken into account, their opinion is not asked, but they easily make cutting remarks, physical pushes, betrayals, humiliation, lack of salary increases, etc.
But you can’t tell by looking at it!
Sweet, kind, gentle, sympathetic - straight from a fairy tale Cinderella! It would seem that such a person was destined to be happy and loved, but no: the princes abandon her, and millet is constantly confused with millet, and, in general, there is complete confusion in life! How can such a fairy be unhappy? It turns out it's easy! If deep down in her soul she is a Victim.
One does not become a victim from birth. This happens gradually, due to certain traumatic circumstances (to a lesser extent) and upbringing (mainly). When a girl is told from childhood: “Humble yourselves! You can’t change anything!”, “Everyone lives like this and so will you,” as well as other similar nonsense, she begins to believe in it. This is how the psychology of the Victim is formed in relations with the whole world.
Reluctantly at first, maintaining a timid hope for a miracle. Then disappointed that the magic never happens. And over time, and embittered: “Since it didn’t happen to me, then let it be a shame for others.” And one gloomy day, plump lips are compressed into a thin thread, and the bridge of the nose is tensely compressed. A woman stops sparkling with joy, hope, freezing from the inside...
Treason and the Karpman Triangle
Each of us has probably heard sad stories about dysfunctional couples in which the husband continually runs from his wife to his mistresses, then returns again, and the “holy woman” accepts this scoundrel, because she loves him madly. Personally, I believe more in the power of the victim scenario than the proverb “Love is evil...”. And this is what it looks like:
- the wife, playing the role of a tyrant, nags her husband day and night;
- the husband (victim), naturally, needs to find a deliverer, so he finds a mistress;
- but now the wife becomes the victim, the mistress the tyrant, and the husband remains to become the savior for his wife;
- then he returns, filled with pity and “love” for his keeper of the hearth and simply a holy woman;
- the husband himself begins to blame his mistress, now he plays the role of a tyrant, the mistress - the victim, and the wife - the savior (after all, she forgave her unlucky husband).
What do you think will happen next? Right. Everything is new, everything is in a circle, until someone gets tired of it.
The Karpman triangle does not necessarily occur only within interpersonal relationships. The third party may be illness, work (workaholism), alcoholism. For example, the wife of an alcoholic very often actually plays and has chosen the role of the victim. And yes, she will not part with her alcoholic until she herself admits her own game and decides to stop it.
How to recognize a female Victim
Outwardly, the Victims are completely different. But there are two clear signs by which you can easily recognize them:
- next to the Victim you feel such hopelessness and futility of existence that it’s time to hang yourself or get drunk;
— she is incredibly irritated by happy people.
So much so that she will try to convince them. “Everything can’t be good - look closely, it’s obviously bad.” And if this fails, the victim will simply stop communicating with “such a suspiciously satisfied subject.”
A man next to such a woman has only three options: constantly babysit her like a stupid little girl, prove that the world is not such a bad place, or simply go into the sunset. And, more often than not, they leave, because everything else is an empty idea: she will find continuous disadvantages in everything. Good salary? So you can lose it at any moment. Is it sunny outside? It blinds the eyes. Is your health normal? Oh, don't croak! How to know what will happen tomorrow.
What does the victim really want?
It's hard to believe that someone voluntarily wants to be constantly humiliated. Why do some people strive for the role of victim, voluntarily making themselves a punching bag? In fact, the victim wants:
- get pity
- attention,
- warmth,
- care,
- Love,
- Gratitude,
- sympathy,
- compassion,
- to be significant
- to be needed.
A person with a victim mentality knows only one form of love - pity. So he tries, with the help of others or, feeling sorry for himself, to receive love. The victim is only happy when he suffers. That’s why she always suffers, something is always wrong in her life. It’s not easy to admit this to yourself, which is why only a few decide to fight it.
Psychology of Victims in relationships with men
The Victim Girl in a relationship is just a song! Something from early Bulanova. That is, constant tears, suffering, the willingness to put all of yourself on the altar of love. And then the reproaches that he, so heartless, did not appreciate it! Next to such a woman, a man feels completely helpless, because no matter what he does, she will be unhappy. The principles of her behavior are simple:
Giving up your own desires
. “Darling, maybe we can go to the theater? Oh, you want to go fishing... Okay, where can we get some worms? I don’t need that performance, as long as you’re next to me.” But be honest, do you really want to sit with a fishing rod on the shore for several hours while frogs croak and mosquitoes buzz?
Adjusting to a man
. “Are you embarrassed when I talk about my feelings? Sorry, sorry, I won’t do it again... I just wanted you to understand... Well, okay, it doesn’t matter anymore. Just don't be nervous. What should you cook for dinner? And then constant compliance will suddenly turn into internal aggression (More about this in the article “Suppressed aggression - your internal volcano”).
Indulging his weaknesses
. “Oh, you can’t stand on your feet! Have a drink with your friends again? Of course, you get so tired at work, you need to relax. Three times a week is your norm, I remember, I remember” (But what kind of your behavior will be a manifestation of true love, read the article: “True love: a mythical beast or a bird in the hand”).
Forgiveness level 80
. “He so gently calls me a fool when I make mistakes. No, this is joking. And the slap on the head was very light. And the tooth has been loose for a long time - but there is a reason to insert a new one. Where is the husband, you ask? I don’t know, but I’m sure of one thing: I must meet him with a hot dinner.” Are you sure about this? Then watch our video:
What does a man do next to such a sacrificial woman? Swimming with fat, literally and figuratively. He no longer needs to strive, develop, control himself. Achieve? Her? What are we talking about! After all, she is not able to evoke real emotions, to excite the heart, the soul - she just masterfully plays on the nerves.
Practice assertive behavior in everyday situations
To become a strong person, you do not need to perform feats or control others. It is enough to act from a position of strength in ordinary life situations. Practice regularly and over time acting confidently will become second nature.
Here are some tips that you can put into practice every day.
Stop asking others for permission
This, of course, is not about forgetting about politeness and invading other people’s borders. The bad habit of victims is that they ask for permission to do actions that are within their boundaries and should be done without someone else's permission.
Be explicit about your legal requirements or make your intentions clear. Instead of asking “Can I exchange the item?” present the seller with a fact: “I want to return the money for the suit, it doesn’t fit me.” Don't ask your partner if you can go to a party or a football match. Communicate your plans directly, without excuses or blame.
You are an adult and can act in your own interests without someone else's permission.
Show confidence in your conversation
Look your interlocutor in the eyes, speak clearly, without long hesitant pauses or interjections, and do not walk in circles. Posture and facial expressions are very important. Stand straight (slouching is a sign of an insecure person), don’t grimace, get rid of nervous gestures.
Don't help people if you don't want to
This may sound harsh. But how many times have you already lent money when you didn’t want to? Or how many times have you listened to your comrades’ complaints about life simply because it’s what you’re supposed to do? Refusal does not make you a bad and callous person. Remember: if you act like a victim while helping other people, you will be taken advantage of. Do good deeds out of a pure heart and free will, and not out of decency or guilt.
Don't be afraid to talk about yourself and share with other people
Victims often choose every word and fear that any information will be used against them. Don't bother yourself with these kinds of fears. Years of fear of showing your true nature in public causes you to forget who you really are and what you want.
Communication is meaningless and empty if you don't open up to other people.
Of course, the information must correspond to the situation and the degree of trust between the interlocutors. Don't go to extremes. The ability to maintain balance is another sign of a strong personality.
Demand high-quality performance of the services you pay for
Check receipts in stores, bills in restaurants, expiration dates and safety of goods. If you are not satisfied with the quality of services, do not hesitate to request a replacement or compensation. Don't let the people you pay turn you into a victim. Don’t just shrug it off and silently leave the store or restaurant - demand quality service, a replacement dish, or a refund.
Learn and exercise your consumer rights. For your money you have the right to get a good product or delicious food. This does not mean that you should argue and create scandals on any occasion. The client can always vote with rubles - simply refuse to pay for bad service or damaged goods. Going to a restaurant or store that doesn’t give you any consideration is a victim’s lot.
To say goodbye to the role of the victim once and for all, it is enough to make a firm decision to take your life into your own hands. Independence, confidence, a sense of self-worth - these are the basis of the behavior of a free person. If you decide to make this a reality, then Wayne Dyer's book “How to Get Rid of the Victim Complex” will be a great help.
Buy on Litres.ru
What kind of eggs do you like?
Victim syndrome in a relationship with a man manifests itself in a complete loss of oneself. Remember the movie "Runaway Bride"? His heroine is indecently convenient: always cheerful and pliable, ready to share the interests of her boyfriend and even eat eggs in the form he likes. It’s no wonder that almost all men want to marry her! With only one caveat - not on it, but on the convenience that it provides.
Let's imagine what could happen after marriage with such a woman (fortunately, the heroine always understood in time that marriage was not for her yet)? At first everything will be smooth, but then it suddenly turns out that the man needs more time “for himself.” She, unable to understand what to do with her own time and “why did he suddenly change so much,” will suffer from boredom, resentment and misunderstanding.
What does it mean to be a victim
These signs will help you understand that you are in the position of a victim.
You have no control over your own life
The victim is forced to have a way of thinking, a pattern of behavior, and even a style of clothing. The steering wheel is almost always in the wrong hands.
Victims are primarily those who spend their lives dictated by other people. They discover that they are doing things that deep down they dislike, or are being drawn into activities that are alien to them, bringing mainly only a feeling of regret.
"How to get rid of the victim complex"
You are operating from a position of weakness
People with a victim complex often believe they are not smart or capable enough to take a proactive stance. Therefore, they choose a position of weakness: they shift important decisions to other people who, in their opinion, are stronger and firmer. Victims avoid independence even in small things: they give up the right to choose a dish in a cafe or obediently go to a movie they don’t want to watch.
Life isn't working for you
If it seems that you spend all your energy and time to please others, are forced to adapt and do what you don’t like out of a sense of duty, you are in the position of a victim.
Anxiety and self-deprecation are your companions
The victims suffer from an inferiority complex. They belittle themselves in every possible way in their internal dialogue and in front of other people. This manifests itself even in small things. For example, a person does not accept compliments, leaves a burnt piece of pie for himself, or agrees to a low salary.
Why does a man leave a female victim?
Here I just want to emphasize: ANY NORMAL MAN WILL LEAVE A WOMAN-VICTIM. First to a bar with friends, then to a weekend of fishing, and then to a lover’s house. Because it is impossible to see this sour face day after day, from which both the mood, the coffee, and the borscht turn sour. It is impossible, day after day, to look at eyes full of pleas and answer the constant: “Do you love me?” And constantly make excuses - because no matter what you do, everything will be wrong.
Another reason: the Victim woman has no fire. No desires, enthusiasm, character. If you offend someone like that, she will swallow, remain silent and smile again. True, every time it gets weaker. If you change it, they will forgive you. It seems that even if you bring a crowd of unshaven, suspicious guys from the street and say: “Honey, they will live with us,” they will agree with this.
Is it possible to avoid turning onto this highway of dashed hopes? Yes! We give a step-by-step recipe.
First, a metaphor.
You travel on a tram, enjoy its convenience, soft seats, warmth, and safety.
The tram is large and iron, and most importantly, it takes you where you need to go. You do not remain in debt, pay money for travel. Full consensus. But then we arrived, your stop, got out and went home. And the tram went its own way. Question: who abandoned whom? You go home, you know - tomorrow another tram will arrive, thank you for bringing me there. How many more of them will there be in life? But the tram has its own path, many people need it, other passengers are waiting for it. There are no complaints, everyone is happy.
Why are there so many complaints from women if a man left for another or simply left? Although, if it’s to someone else, it’s more offensive.
Why are men unhappy if a woman decides that a better man has been found for her? Or are you the very best... Couldn't it be better?
I will explain in the framework of an entertaining “sacrifice.”
A victim is a position of perception of reality and an assessment of an event, as well as a certain state.
How to get out of the role of the Victim?
100% responsibility principle
. We have talked about it dozens of times already, but repetition, as we know, is the mother of learning. He is the basics without which it is impossible to move on. Alpha and Omega, the turtle on whose back stand the pillar elephants of our lives. The moment you understand: your life depends only on you, and a man is not obliged to make you happy, a lot will change.
Understand your purpose
. In order not to be excruciatingly painful for the years spent aimlessly, today you need to decide: who am I and why do I live in this world? And gently shift the man from first place on the list of priorities to third. Your personal pedestal of primacy will look like this: Self, Purpose, Relationships.
Realize your goals
. There is also a simple and clear algorithm for this: we describe our ideal day, visualize our dreams and how they will come true, set specific goals, break them into parts and go towards them. And as soon as you get the first results, that’s when the real buzz begins.
We wish you to enjoy it to the fullest! Being a strong, confident woman in herself and her abilities.
How not to become a savior
To avoid being drawn into victim games and becoming a deliverer, control your feelings and emotions. Do not offer help or give advice when you are not asked to do so. Do not impose your help and kindness. Otherwise, there is a high chance that some victim will find you. Well, when you hone the role of a deliverer, it won’t be long before you become a victim yourself.
DIAGNOSIS: “LOVE ADDICTION”
01.Nov.2019
Psychotherapists say: every fourth woman and every seventh man becomes victims of love addiction
Love addiction is, first of all, a “bad” state of health. Similar to aching and incessant toothache. And, if with the latter, the main desire is to visit the dentist, then love addiction is characterized by a strong and obsessive need for another person. A real fixation on the subject. As a result of such attachment, self-esteem, one’s own “I” and even health are lost. Unfortunately, statistics indicate that every fourth woman and every seventh man falls into love addiction. With such problems, relationship-dependent people quite often turn to psychotherapists.
LET'S FIGURE OUT
Why do people fall into traumatic addiction? The reasons for such relationships are often: dislike by parents in childhood (strict control by adults). Unwillingness to take responsibility for your life and everything that happens in it. Infantility. Fear of loneliness. Inability to make decisions. Fear of being rejected. Low self-esteem. Downplaying personal merits. Diffidence. Lack of safety and sense of security. Violence. Mental trauma received in childhood
Dependency in a couple can be compared to any other addiction, since the mechanisms developed on the basis of interpersonal relationships work identically. They, one way or another, lead to self-destruction. In dependence, one of the partners is always dominant, the other is subordinate.
HOW TO RECOGNIZE A DEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP?
First of all, it’s bad in dependent relationships, and even worse without them. An addict in a relationship is characterized by low self-esteem and self-destructive behavior. He always blames only himself for everything that happens in the couple. A dependent person cares excessively about the feelings, thoughts, actions, choices of another, while not paying attention to his own feelings, desires, dreams and fate. Dependent relationships always cause suffering, conflicts often arise in them, threats to end the relationship, manipulations that do not reach real actions. Secondly, in the absence of reciprocity and reaction, as well as physical distance from the partner (business trip, vacation with friends), such relationships cause depression, despondency, anger, and fear of loss. Other people surrounding the object of affection are perceived as a threat, rivals. Interest in other relationships is lost (meetings with friends, delays at work with colleagues, corporate events), but at the same time there is a complete immersion in dependent relationships. In such relationships, an objective assessment of the other’s shortcomings is lost , and in case of their indication, an aggressive reaction of defense follows. In dependent relationships, the ability to independently complete an oppressive relationship is lost, since a break can bring the pain of loss, and in the case of personal initiative, a strong feeling of guilt and destructive behavior. REMEMBER!
True love gives a feeling of joy and happiness, not sadness and despondency. Moreover, these feelings do not depend on where the partners are: close to each other or at a distance. Temporary separation does not affect mood and is easily tolerated.
THERE IS A REASON TO THINK
Healthy loving relationships do not require complete absorption in each other. A relationship is a voluntary decision by two loving people to be together. At the same time, the lack of the necessary “dose” of attention does not prevent each of the partners from feeling happy, filled with vital energy, free and independent.
If the relationship is not turning out the way you imagined, there is reason to think: Maybe you initially idealized your partner? Maybe you imagined something that didn’t exist? Maybe you are too immersed in your partner and have forgotten about what your life is? Maybe it's time to think about what brings you joy, a feeling of fulfillment and pleasure from life? Maybe you chose the wrong person with whom you would like to live? It is important to remember that love relationships are just one area of life where we develop, but there are other areas that require attention. For example, parents, colleagues, friends, children, interests, hobbies, entertainment, appearance. Only by paying attention to all facets does a person feel holistic and self-sufficient.
DON'T BECOME A VICTIM
In order not to fall into addiction, you need to ask yourself questions as often as possible: What do I want for myself right now? What else will please and fill me at that moment when my loved one is not around? In what area do I want to develop? What makes me confident ?What else makes me joyful? How can I spend my free time from all affairs and relationships with pleasure and enjoyment? Meet with loved ones, parents, brothers and sisters more often. Rod is our strength and support! Meet your friends. Such communication fills, broadens one’s horizons and allows one to look at how others do things. Sometimes you can get quality feedback from friends. Create friendly relationships with colleagues. Engage in your development. Invest in your knowledge, skills and abilities. Pay attention to your inner state. Take responsibility for everything that happens to you. And remember - there is no limit to perfection! True love is a place for “I”, “you” and “we”. The main idea in true love: “I am I, You are You. It’s good with you, but it’s also good without you.” In such relationships there is no dissolution in the other, just as there is no depreciation of him. Such relationships are built on mutual respect, trust, acceptance and the ability to find compromises, which allows you to build strong family ties. I wish you and your loved ones health!
Svetlana Vokhmyanina, psychotherapist, Nyagan City Clinic
