Types of family relationships
Family relationships can be:
- traditional;
- parent-child;
- tyrannical;
- dependent;
- disunited;
- friendly;
- "explosive".
The traditional type of relationship between a man and a woman in marriage is considered ideal; it presupposes love, respect, mutual support, and stability. In such a family, disagreements are quickly resolved, leading to mutual agreement. Coherence in relationships arises from reciprocal love and care.
Parent-child relationships are possible when there is a significant age difference between husband and wife. A partner with “adult” status takes on almost all responsibilities, from financial support to solving everyday issues. Such relationships can last a long time; problems can begin when the spouse “child” gets tired of excessive control from the dominant half.
In a tyrannical family, only one person has authority - the tyrant.
The nature of family relationships is formed from the position of strength and power of one of the spouses, which means personal priority in resolving any issues that arise, without taking into account the opinions of the other. Tyranny can exist normally at the stage of falling in love; the subsequent development of relationships depends on various factors.
Families often contain people with unhealthy addictions to alcohol, drugs or gambling.
A dependent person does not think about the needs and desires of his partner, focusing all attention on himself. Such relationships usually last until the end of the patience of the independent spouse.
From the outside, separated families look prosperous. Spouses maintain a separate lifestyle, without restrictions on freedom, they can live separately. Such relationships are more often characteristic of a “civil marriage”; they can exist for a long time, but are devoid of true family value.
Friendly relations between spouses, despite their promising name, are often doomed to failure.
A commonality of interests, mutual understanding and mutual respect without accompanying passion is not enough to build a strong family. The collapse comes when one of the partners meets a person who evokes carnal desire in him along with strong emotions.
Relationships like fireworks occur between emotional individuals. The rivalry between spouses leaves no room for mutual concessions, disputes are resolved by shouting, reconciliation occurs after emotional release, relative peace lasts until the next scandal. Such a marriage can last quite a long time, the partners are mutually fueled by emotions, sometimes demonstrating absolute harmony; in such a situation, one can only feel sorry for the existing children and roommates.
Family relationships: stages of development
Family psychology identifies several stages in the development of relationships between spouses:
- love;
- habit;
- discord;
- cooperation;
- mutual respect;
- friendship;
- true love.
Falling in love is the most romantic stage in a relationship. At this stage, the chosen ones seem perfect. Typically the period lasts 2 years, during which time most people legalize unions.
Then comes addiction. Spouses stop being shy when revealing their shortcomings. At this stage, a meaningful assessment of partners occurs.
A family does not exist without disagreements; family relationships at the stage of discord test their strength. Often divorces occur during this period. The identified shortcomings of the spouses cause irritation and regret about the marriage; the partners are no longer able to enjoy the euphoria of falling in love.
After the critical stage of quarrels, cooperation begins.
This period is characterized by awareness of shared responsibilities - maintaining a household, paying bills, raising children. The relationship is reminiscent of a business partnership, in which an equal distribution of responsibilities is important.
Further maintenance of the alliance turns into mutual respect. Spouses are valued for their patience and show mutual gratitude. The couple at this stage matures, reviving tenderness, building a solid foundation for further relationships.
Then comes the friendship stage. Husband and wife become close people, easily communicate heart to heart, showing support and trust.
True love is the final stage, the germ of which is wisdom and patience, and exists safely only after all the trials.
Stages of marital relationships
Problems in marital relationships are one of the most common topics when turning to a psychologist.
Misunderstandings between spouses can arise for various reasons, but one of them is the non-simultaneous passage of different stages of the relationship. The family is a changing system, and it has its own laws of development. Knowing these laws, you can better understand your partner and understand the reasons for disagreements. Let's look at the stages of development that every family goes through. The first stage is symbiosis - a time of intense feelings, “I fell head over heels in love with him,” “We are one.” This is such a strong merger that it comes to the point of mutual absorption of personalities and lives. The goal of this stage is the formation of the strongest attachment. The similarities between two lovers are extolled, the differences are not noticed. Passions are running high. There is a very high degree of care for each other, mutual “give” and “take” flourish. The requirements for a partner are minimal. Usually, everyone makes an effort to adapt to their partner and please him. Everyone feels so good that there is no risk of making any demands, of being selfish, of not being a giver, of not being sensitive to the needs of another. Each partner experiences enough self-care that the relationship is on a solid foundation.
If this foundation is created, you can move to the next stage - differentiation; if not, then the couple can remain in a state of symbiosis for a long time, but the union threatens to become dysfunctional and inharmonious. The desire for fusion, the desire to avoid conflicts, and the tendency to downplay differences will prevail. A “standing wave” type relationship will arise. The opposite behavior is possible - outright hostility, anger, conflicts, that is, a relationship like “two prisoners in one cell.”
Differentiation is the next phase of the relationship, the time of “removing the deity from the pedestal.” Now everyone can say: “Life without any problems is not life.” This stage is rarely easy! As it progresses, you may want to have more space for yourself. I want to expand my internal boundaries. The couple begins to notice differences, partners feel that they do not want to spend so much time together. I want to be alone with myself, which can cause feelings of guilt. "What's happened? Why do I no longer feel the way I usually felt with this person?” By the way, the feeling of guilt arises completely in vain. The desire to be alone, even without a loved one, is extremely necessary for everyone who wants not to interrupt the process of self-discovery. We have already said that learning about yourself is a lifelong process. We all need positive self-esteem. How can we evaluate ourselves if we don’t retire? The word differentiation itself means division, dismemberment, distinction, ability to distinguish. At this stage of the relationship, partners begin to notice that they both feel and think slightly differently. Everyone has a desire to defend their individuality. The illusion of symbiosis is shaken, dramatic surprises appear. For some, differentiation is a slow and gradual process, for others it is a period of rapid collapse of hopes and debunking of illusions.
Practice is the stage of a relationship when a person’s energy is directed to activities not related to the partner. This can be work at home, but for yourself, and outside the home. At the same time, new acquaintances can be made. Partners are no longer determined to capture each other’s desires. Everyone concentrated on themselves. Everyone's attention is directed to the outside world. The main thing now is independence, autonomy, individualization. The development of one's self becomes more important than the development of close relationships. For everyone, problems of self-esteem and dignity come to the fore: “What am I personally good for, what am I capable of, what am I worth?” Conflicts may arise between partners, and reconciliation again leads to short-term emotional closeness. Some people call this period of life a “lonely wanderer,” others a “journey of a thousand kilometers.”
Renewal of friendly relations. After each partner has clearly defined his individuality and realized himself outside the family, he has a need for intimacy, emotional nourishment, and psychological support. Now you can strive to renew friendly relations with your spouse. Vulnerability and vulnerability intensify again. Partners seek comfort and support each other. Periods of particularly happy intimacy are followed by periods of renewed independence. Despite the anxiety that arises at times and friction in relationships, conflicts are resolved more quickly, and it becomes possible to discuss difficulties, unlike what happened during the period of differentiation. Now each of the partners is no longer afraid of being absorbed by the personality of the other, as was the case during the period of symbiosis. A reasonable balance is established between “I” and “we”. Each partner comes to know himself more deeply as a giver of joy to the other partner. There is a deep commitment to the marriage, constancy.
Interdependence is a phase of further constancy. Now each partner is convinced that he is loved. The time has come for constancy in relationships, when the image of the perfect chosen one - idealized and impossible - is peacefully supplanted by the real image of the spouse. Two individuals who have resolved their doubts about self-worth and have had the opportunity to express themselves in the outside world find satisfaction in life together. Deep affection and mutual satisfaction emerge. Relationships develop more towards growth and improvement of the “we” than the “I”.
These stages are typical of normal, healthy intimate relationships. One should not think that only people suffering from neuroses have difficulties in marriage. Many people have difficulties, maybe even everyone. It is usually more difficult for sick or infantile, immature people to build healthy relationships.
It’s good when both partners go through all stages at the same time, almost synchronously. Difficulties increase if one partner is still living in the stage of symbiosis, and the other has already entered the stage of differentiation. Conflicts escalate when one partner still wants to prove himself in the outside world, to realize all his abilities, while the other is eager to renew close relationships.
You can read more about the stages of marital relationships in the book by I. Moskalenko “When there is too much love.”
Family crises and how to avoid them
The relationship between spouses, moving from one stage to another, experiences crises.
The first crisis begins with mutual irritation associated with the partner’s shortcomings and unfulfilled expectations. Overcoming the problem will require time, patience and a commitment to developing relationships.
The second turning point is related to the lack of trust in the couple. This usually leads to the husband's aggression and the wife's secrecy. The more often a man shows anger, the more a woman withdraws into herself. The fair half needs to be able to give explanations to the spouse, and he needs to try to listen.
The next crisis is based on pettiness and stinginess.
Usually a man displays such qualities when he feels that his wife is moving away from him and subconsciously does not want to spend money on her. Against the backdrop of the husband's greed, the wife tends to deceive, which only aggravates the problem. The psychology of family life in solving crisis problems indicates the need for understanding and the ability to sort things out through a calm conversation.
Male behavior is different from female behavior; usually the husband strives for freedom, and the woman wants to be married. Sometimes solving a problem requires an individual approach, but it is impossible to do without taking into account the fundamental rules.
Happy family relationships: rules
Family psychology has identified rules that, if followed, can prevent the problem and partially or completely eliminate it.
Don’t forget about mutual respect, take the opposite position, take into account your partner’s opinion. Try to refrain from offensive words, strive for calm, resolve conflicts through productive conversation.
Thank your other half even for little things, be it a cooked breakfast or a driven nail. Any positive endeavors should be noticed and supported with a kind word.
Make concessions for the sake of family well-being. The ability to yield does not indicate weakness; rather, it indicates nobility and wisdom.
Show affection with kisses and tight hugs. Intimate life requires significant attention; its absence reduces the strength of the marital union.
Do not share personal secrets and experiences with strangers. Family life should be private, you cannot complain or boast to strangers, happiness loves silence.
Do not accumulate grievances, be able to forgive.
Sincere forgiveness paves the way to harmony in the family. The psychology in family relationships between husband and wife is complex, every marriage has problems, sometimes each other needs to be given the right to make mistakes.
When children appear, a new mother often deprives her husband of attention; in this situation, relations between all family members should be smooth. You should also not show love to one child more than another.
Correct behavior in marriage does not come immediately; taking into account the listed rules, partners must be prepared for the stages of development of family relationships and moments of crisis. Overcoming difficulties together ultimately leads to unity and harmony.
Natalia
Middle years of marriage
For most couples, this stage is the main one. It can be compared to the middle years of childhood (5-12 years), which are sometimes called the latent stage. Although the child continues to grow, this growth tends to be steady and without significant disruption.
The marriage and the personal needs of the spouses may be pushed into the background, resulting in a crisis. While parenting can unite parents in common goals, it also irreversibly changes a marriage. There is less and less time for communication and sexual intimacy. Marital satisfaction levels drop significantly for parents with young children.
A stressful situation is created in a marriage if there are teenage children. Parents begin to lose control over their teenagers, but they are still responsible for their upbringing. Marital dissatisfaction declines significantly for most couples during their children's teenage years.
Couples who don't have children have their own problems. They may be dealing with infertility, constant visits to doctors, and medical procedures. If many of their friends have children, spouses may feel drained. They may become so preoccupied with their careers or other family commitments that their marital relationships are put on the back burner and are destroyed.
