Self-harm (self-harm) is becoming a problem in the modern world. The number of people who physically harm themselves to relieve mental suffering is growing steadily. More often than not, this behavior begins in adolescence, but if left untreated, it can become a destructive habit in adulthood.
Why do people resort to this way of resolving internal conflict? What could be the alternative? How to behave to loved ones? We are discussing the topic with psychologist and suicidologist Yulia Metelitsa.
He uses your mother as an example
For example, he says: “Mom doesn’t cook like that,” “But mom’s was different.” Thus, his mother “settles” in your relationship, becomes an invisible witness and judge of all your actions and deeds. For him, his mother is an ideal.
Of course, there are wonderful mothers who take care of their children. But this does not mean that their behavior is the only correct one. For example, the same borscht can be cooked in a thousand different ways - and all borschts will be delicious.
Unfortunately, through their care, mothers often form in their children the wrong idea about their role in their lives. For example, when they are assured: “You will have no one closer to me.”
How do sons react to an affair with their mother?
In response to an incestuous relationship, young men experience two types of emotional reactions:
- Agreement. This is how weak-willed, sick or, sadly, very kind and sympathetic sons usually react, who are afraid of losing their mother, who puts pressure on them and even sometimes threatens suicide. Young consumers also agree to such a relationship: there is no need to waste time courting a woman and himself, because his mother accepts him for who he is, and even pampers him.
- Categorical rejection. The young man categorically refuses incest and begins to resist. This can lead to leaving home, vagrancy, mental disorders and even crimes. Cases of young men killing their own mothers out of hatred have been described.
But the most difficult situation arises if the mother has a husband or a permanent partner. The young man begins to fear condemnation and reprisals, which leads to nervous breakdowns, depression, running away from home and suicidal attempts.
Is your relationship with a “mama’s boy” doomed?
In my opinion, in 80% of cases - yes. This is obviously a losing story. Because the relationship between son and mother has been formed over many years, and you appeared in his life relatively recently.
At the age of 13-14, the connection with parents should gradually become thinner. At this age, a teenager learns to be independent. However, if for some reason this did not happen, then it will be extremely difficult to break the connection between the man and his mother. Therefore, if you see that a man is highly dependent on his mother, you should discuss with him the concerns that you have.
This does not mean that you should claim your man the same way you would claim property, completely eliminating his mother from his life. This also does not mean that you need to prohibit him from seeing her and helping her... All this is normal. Simply communicating with your mother should not harm your relationship.
Love relationship between mother and son. Situation two - self-sacrifice
Such a connection arises with sons who have problems that, in the opinion of the mother, and sometimes the young man himself, interfere with building normal relationships with the opposite sex. These may be disabilities, mental retardation, psychological and psychiatric problems. The mother feels how difficult it is for her child in this cruel world, and subconsciously tries to protect him, including from women.
Sons enter into love relationships because of complexes raised by their mother and the lack of an alternative. However, such relationships endanger the life and mental health of both participants in incest. A son, especially if he has mental problems, may subsequently demand intimate relationships from his mother using violent methods. Therefore, both become victims.
The peculiarity of the situation lies in the vain self-sacrifice. A woman, instinctively protecting a problem child from society, indulges her son’s obsession with his own problems, forgetting that even if you have health problems, you can have a family and be happy.
Incest is categorically condemned by society, and psychologists point out its destructiveness
Such relationships are condemned in any society. Many psychoanalysts also expressed a negative attitude towards them - Masters and Johnson, B and R. Justice, Davis and Fraley.
Incestuous relationships lead to personality regression, especially if the relationship began very early - during puberty, when the boy begins to recognize himself as a man. D. Shengold called it “murder of the soul and distortion of personality.”
Psychoanalytic studies have shown that such a connection protects a young person from contact with peers, making him defenseless, infantile and often doomed to loneliness. But the mother, not understanding such consequences, does not allow her son to free himself and “pulls on the reins.” As a result, the relationship still breaks down or reaches a deep impasse. But after them, the young man and his mother have to resort to the help of a psychologist, psychoanalyst or even a psychiatrist for a long time.
What consequences can a loving relationship between mother and son cause?
- Suicidal attempts. Mom and son want to scare and attract attention in this way. But sometimes other psychologically traumatic factors are superimposed on incest, the psyche cannot stand it, and one of the two takes his own life.
- Depression . Both participants in incest subconsciously understand that such relationships are destructive, but they cannot break out of them. This causes a depressive state, which can be aggravated by suicidal thoughts, mental disorders, and the development of alcohol or drug addiction, in which oblivion is sought. You can only get out of such a situation with the help of a psychologist, and sometimes with a narcologist and a psychiatrist.
- Homosexuality . A young man, frightened by his domineering mother who did “terrible things” to him, is terrified of women and enters into intimate relationships with men.
- Problems with erection and ejaculation . Often of a psychological nature.
- The impossibility of building a relationship with a woman and starting a family . This will be hampered by the constant fear of the female sex, which was instilled by the mother. Rejection of women can result in crimes against sexual integrity and even murder.
- A complete breakdown in the relationship between mother and son due to mutual grievances and unwillingness to feel shame again.
- Broadcasting unhealthy relationships onto your own family. A man can be jealous because he is convinced that all women are promiscuous. He will suspect his wife of non-existent contacts with his own sons. Victims of child incest may enter into intimate intimacy with their children because they have a “can’t/can’t” attitude.
A psychologist will help you get out of this situation by identifying the causes of incest and giving you the opportunity to break off such relationships. Psychological help, even with a long-term love relationship between mother and son, will help turn it in the other direction.
A specialist will help you cope with instincts, fears, and create mature spiritual communication between loved ones, excluding the physical component.
Need a consultation with a psychologist? Call and make an appointment for a consultation in Moscow 8 (999) 333-37-77 (from 10.00 to 22.00) daily. Cost of consultation - Services and prices. The address for the consultation is in the Contacts section. Skype consultation is also possible. You can also ask a question online or get a free consultation.
What replacement behavior is possible?
Mainly, the treatment of self-harm comes down to the search for alternative behavior, replacing dangerous practices with more socially acceptable and non-traumatic ones.
“Many experts recommend that patients, for example, wear an elastic band on their hands and snap it when they want to harm themselves in order to switch,” explains the specialist. “You can scream into your pillow, tear up paper, take a cold shower, or put your face in a bowl of cold water. But, unfortunately, this is not universal advice, everything is very individual, everyone needs to look for their own type of replacement behavior.
For example, one client, who was harming herself by extinguishing cigarette butts on her skin, found this way out: during attacks, she goes into the forest and breaks bushes and tree branches there, Yulia Metelitsa gives examples from her practice.
Another girl is helped by her family: everyone already knows that she is capable of self-harming under stress, and they begin to convince her not to do it. But this does not protect 100%, since the girl is not always surrounded by loved ones. Some people may not find their replacement behavior because they don't really want to break the habit. There are times when the alternative is no less destructive.
— In my practice, there was a case when a young man replaced self-harm with alcohol. According to him, he felt that if he didn’t drink, he would do something to himself. But this is not a suitable alternative: the effects of alcohol can also be dangerous.
Behind self-harm there may be feelings of self-aggression, loneliness, and guilt . Understanding this, you can look for ways to help and alternative behavior. For example, if aggression dominates, you need to throw it out into the outside world (tear paper, beat pillows, etc.). If you are lonely, go to friends and specialists for help. The most difficult cases are when the basis is self-punishment for guilt.
“ Guilt is a frequent companion of self-harm, ” explains the psychologist. - A person blames himself for everything, although there is no reason for this. We need to understand that a pathological feeling of guilt is always brought to us by someone. When the guilt is ours, we realize it and don’t get carried away, because we can fix it. But it is more difficult to cope with the introduced guilt, because it, as a rule, is formed by systematic accusations from significant loved ones.
For example, constant parental reproaches and insults. “If mom/dad/elder brother tells me this, what will others say?” - such teenagers think. This is how a feeling of guilt, uncertainty, and fear of presenting oneself to the world is formed. “Tell a pig he's a dog and the hundredth time he'll bark” is a crude comparison, but it illustrates the problem well. If a child constantly receives such signals from those close to him, he begins to believe that he is bad, inconvenient, that everyone will be better off without him. And it will be difficult to convince him of this. Long-term therapy will be required.
Another problem is that self-harm occurs unconsciously for many people.
“Suddenly a desire arose, and I was already in a pool of blood,” this is often heard from patients,” says Yulia Metelitsa. “And such situations are the most dangerous because they can end in unintentional suicide.” These cases are more difficult to work with.
Therefore, the main advice is to share your problem with someone you trust and seek help from a psychologist or psychotherapist who will help you understand the cause, find replacement behavior and deal with feelings.
“Such patients are distinguished by their inability to talk about feelings, recognize them and share them. You need to learn this so as not to keep everything to yourself,” notes Yulia Metelitsa.
Some experts advise such patients to keep a diary: write down the type of self-harm; events that make you want to harm yourself; the benefits of self-harm; type of alternative behavior.
- This method can work if a person has a sincere desire to eradicate the habit. All therapeutic methods only work when people themselves want to solve their problem. But not everyone has this desire. Some people ask for help so that they can feel sorry for them, so that they can speak out, but at the same time they continue their practice, they say, “your hands will heal, don’t worry.” But you need to understand that at some point your hands may no longer heal, since the regeneration of our cells is not endless. Therefore, you still need to focus on finding safe behavior. An alternative can always be found if you look for it, the psychologist is sure.
Publications in the media
Disorders of habits and impulses are a group of mental disorders characterized by a periodic inability to resist impulsive desires to commit actions that are dangerous to oneself and others. The disorders are not caused by the use of a psychoactive substance, a somatic, neurological disease or other mental disorder. Frequency: 1–3% of the population.
General characteristics • Periodically arising irresistible desire to commit an action that is dangerous for oneself and others, which cannot be resisted • Before performing an action, patients experience increasing tension and increased mental and physical activity • During the action, patients feel joy or a sense of relief. Classification and clinical presentation • Periodic explosive disorder (periodic agitation disorder) - episodes of loss of control over aggressive impulses, during which patients commit acts of severe violence or destructive actions. Each episode is followed by sincere repentance. There are no aggressive tendencies in the interictal period. It can occur at any age, most often between 20 and 40 years old. • Kleptomania (impulsive theft) - episodes of an irresistible desire to steal items that have no material value and are not needed for personal use. After each episode, depression develops. The theft cannot be explained by anger or revenge. Stolen items are thrown away, secretly returned to their owners, or stored at home. An attack of kleptomania is often provoked by traumatic situations. Kleptomania is often combined with depression, anorexia nervosa and pyromania. The disorder usually begins in childhood. • Pathological gaming (pathological attraction to gambling) is a chronic progressive inability to resist the desire to participate in gambling, leading to social and labor maladjustment and personality degradation. Patients are so passionate about gambling that gambling at a certain stage becomes the meaning of life. They always feel the need to increase their bet sizes in order to achieve the desired excitement. Repeated attempts to control the desire to participate in the game are unsuccessful and are accompanied by anxiety and irritability. The game is often used to avoid problems or reduce anxiety and guilt. When faced with the need to fulfill their social and professional obligations, patients are more likely to become involved in the game. To hide the degree of their passion for gambling, they deceive others. Patients continue to gamble, despite growing debts, and often commit antisocial acts aimed at obtaining money for gambling. Pathological gamblers believe that money is the cause and solution to their problems. The disorder begins in adolescence in men, and in women in late life. In pathological gambling, there are 3 stages: the stage of involvement in the game (begins after the first large win), the stage of progressive losses (participation in risky activities, growing debts, absenteeism and loss of work), the stage of despair (the patient gambles for large sums of money, wasting other people’s money ). It may take 15 years before the onset of the 3rd stage, but then within 1–2 years the patient’s personality is completely destroyed. • Pyromania (impulsive arson) - an irresistible desire to commit arson. Patients who observe or participate in a fire show interest and curiosity, and experience joy, satisfaction, or relief. A fire is never committed for material gain, to conceal crimes, or as an expression of socio-political protest. Pyromania begins in childhood and adolescence. • Trichotillomania (trichocryptomania) is an irresistible desire to pull out one's own hair, not associated with skin diseases. The most commonly pulled out are eyebrows, eyelashes, beards and scalp hair. The disorder may be accompanied by trichophagia - ingestion of hair. • Dromamania (vagrancy, poriomania) - an impulsive, irresistible desire to change places. • Mythomania (pathological deceit, Dupree mythomania, hysterical fantasizing, waking dreams) - an irresistible attraction to deception with a predominance of stories about one’s own unusual adventures with the assignment of merits, titles, titles, etc. In the mind of the subject, the line between real facts and fiction is erased. • Coprolalia is an impulsive, irresistible urge to utter swear words and obscene expressions. • Dipsomania (true dipsomania, true binge drinking) - an irresistible attraction to intense drunkenness against a background of depressed mood with severe alcoholic excesses, but without signs of addiction.
Research methods • MRI/CT • EEG • Psychological testing. Differential diagnosis • Schizophrenia • Delirium • Dementia • Mood disorders • Antisocial personality disorder • Substance use disorders • Mental retardation • Obsessive-compulsive disorder • Artificially demonstrated disorders • Temporal lobe epilepsy • Personality changes due to organic brain damage. TREATMENT • Psychotherapy • For periodic explosive disorder - carbamazepine 200-400 mg/day in 3-4 doses with a gradual weekly increase in dose to an effective dose (no more than 1,600 mg/day) • For concomitant depression - neuronal serotonin uptake blockers (for example, fluoxetine 40–80 mg/day, sertraline 50–200 mg/day). Current and prognosis . The course is chronic with periodic deterioration and improvement of the condition. Children suffering from pyromania have a favorable prognosis: in most cases, complete remission occurs. Synonyms • Impulsive urges and actions • Impulse control disorders
ICD-10 • F63 Disorders of habits and impulses
Criticism of the phenomenon
A number of experts believe that today there is no reliable data that can confirm the presence of the Oedipus complex. A more radical view is to deny the existence of scientific methods that could cope with such a task. Many of the supporters of this idea believe that Freud's classical theory is a product of subjective introspection, and not the result of work with patients, and therefore it is only an unproven hypothesis.
Criticism of child sexuality
Many experts question a child’s ability to experience sexual desire, since testosterone and other sex hormones are produced in minimal quantities in childhood. However, supporters of Sigmund Freud's theories do not agree with such criticism, since they believe that puberty is characterized not only by the formation of the genital organs and the production of corresponding hormones, but also by the organization of certain psychological structures.
Universality debate
As mentioned earlier, a number of experts reject the universality of this deviation and its biological component. In particular, Bronislaw Malinowski conducted a series of studies that proved the absence of such pathology in some wild tribes. However, some experts, for example, Geza Roheim, believe that he was able to prove the opposite hypothesis, indicating the universality of the Oedipus complex.
Criticism in the context of schizoanalysis
Schizoanalysis was developed in the early 70s of the last century and is one of the areas of poststructuralism. Its supporters completely reject the Oedipus complex, considering it one of the most striking repressive symbols of the capitalist system. The main complaint is that this deviation is limited to the family framework, which does not give it the opportunity to explain more complex processes occurring in society. Proponents of this trend recognize psychoanalysis as a whole as an ineffective method of treating mental illness or as a tool for explaining the most complex processes affecting society.
Feminist criticism
Supporters of feminist ideas also disagree with classical Freudian theories; the main object of criticism is the consideration of the process of the emergence of the Oedipus complex among girls.
Representatives of this trend call envy of the male genital organ nothing more than a product of a patriarchal society that seeks to demonstrate the inferiority of women. Kate Millett has repeatedly stated that Freud's ideas, as well as the ways of their practical implementation, are aimed at the oppression of women, therefore he is considered nothing more than an oppressor, and not an independent specialist.
Many feminist supporters also point out that Freud's theory is implausible, since girls are not capable of feeling envy of a male sexual organ, since they have never owned one.
