Crises of family relationships and ways to overcome them

Almost every couple goes through difficult periods in a relationship. Especially if the relationship between people is long-term. This is a difficult time, when it seems that feelings have faded away, the partner begins to irritate, there is a feeling that both are “burned out”, tired of each other... Doubts arise: “Do we still love each other?”

All this is nothing more than a crisis. And the future of our relationship depends on how correctly we behave in this situation.

I propose to analyze step by step the stages of passing through crisis periods. And figure out how to act competently on each of them. So…

1. Claims, grievances, irritation
2. Let's admit there is a problem
3. Take your time, don't rush to conclusions
4. Don't wait for your partner to make the first move
5. The benefits of distancing
6. Seesaw of emotions
7. Patience and work...
8. Sincerity: pros and cons
9. Warmth, calm and orderliness
10. Character Education
11. Flexibility and versatility
12. Taking it to the next level

Claims, grievances, irritation

This is where relationship problems usually begin for almost every couple. There could be a great many reasons for this - we will not consider them now. It is only important to clearly understand the main thing: no one needs our complaints and irritation. Not to our partner, not to ourselves. And, apart from a mirror response, they don’t cause anything else.

What to do? Keep everything to yourself and endure? Of course not. Anything you really don’t like needs to be voiced. But this needs to be done competently - for example, using “I-messages”. Instead of: “You're a slacker! You’re not helping me at all!” - much more effective: “I’m very tired today. I need your help". This is the first. Second: chronic dissatisfaction and constant irritation - our own, our partner's or mutual - clearly indicates the onset of a crisis.

What it is

According to psychology, a family crisis is a state in a couple when homeostasis (self-regulation aimed at maintaining internal constancy and dynamic balance within the system) is disrupted, and this leads to frustration (dissatisfaction). Usually the impetus is some new situation that cannot be resolved using the usual model of behavior.

Example. The crisis of the first year of family life is most often associated with the birth of a child, which is the very impetus. Spouses can no longer maintain homeostasis (as before, visiting guests, traveling, just watching TV in the evenings), i.e., internal balance is disturbed. The wife is in a state of frustration because her husband is not helping her. He, in turn, is dissatisfied due to the lack of attention on her part. Habitual models of behavior no longer work: if previously the negativity of a quarrel could be extinguished by conversation, reconciliatory sex, or a conversation with a friend, now the problem has to be solved in other ways.

Over the years, experts have collected information about exactly what stage of the life cycle family crises occur at, and this allowed them to create several classifications.

Let's admit there is a problem

The main problem is that people can stubbornly pretend for years that everything is fine with them. They endure a lot, humbly accept inappropriate attitudes towards themselves, reassuring themselves with the dubious: “Yes, everyone lives like that!”

I never understood why people voluntarily turn their family life into slow torture. There is a problem - we need to admit it and start solving it. Say a clear “no” to the ostrich principle, realize what exactly does not suit us, and decide how to proceed. But at the same time...

Classifications

Regulatory crises

The main current classification of family crises is named after the famous American psychotherapist Virginia Satir. She calls them normative and identifies 10 main problematic issues that every couple faces:

1. Birth of the first child.
2. A child's acquisition of speech.
3. His admission to school.
4. His teenage period, which overlaps with his parents' midlife crisis.
5. “Empty nest” syndrome – children leaving the family.
6. Children creating their own families.
7. My wife's menopause.
8. Decreased libido in husband.
9. Mastering new roles - grandparents.
10. Death of one of the spouses.

It is easy to see that the first normative crises are based on growing up and raising a child. The viability of this classification is proven by statistics: couples who do not have children either divorce in the first 3 years, or continue to live and never break up (after 3 years of marriage, divorce in such families is only 5%). This suggests that they do not have to live through most of the difficulties highlighted by Virginia Satir and associated specifically with children.

Non-normative crises

Psychologists Eidemiller and Justitskis identify other crises in family life that are associated with unfavorable living conditions and problems that arise at different stages. These include:

• illness of one of the spouses;
• socio-economic processes (financial crisis, war);
• adultery;
• conflicts with other people;
• housing problems;
• change in the social status of one of the spouses;
• excessive load;
• state of divorce;
• domestic violence;
• adoption, guardianship.

Non-normative crises can overtake a family at any period of life and even overlap one another, which aggravates an already precarious situation.

Take your time, don't rush to conclusions

An extremely important step! After all, as it happens with us: we endure and endure, and then we abruptly decide: “That’s it! I'm leaving!" And we leave our loved one, sometimes leaving him bewildered... I am always against sudden steps in relationships - at least until other ways to improve them have been tried. It is especially unwise to make serious decisions in the heat of the moment. Someone said something - we believed it. Or we misunderstood our partner, didn’t understand the situation, and are already packing our bags... Well, proud ones! And then we regret our decision, made on emotions... Especially when we understand that we were mistaken or rushed to conclusions. Therefore, we do not rush, do not escalate the already tense situation, analyze the situation and begin to act.

Periodization

Based on V. Satir’s classification and many years of research into the causes of divorce proceedings in psychology, periods of crisis in family relationships were identified by year. It’s worth mentioning right away that the time frames are set arbitrarily, and for each individual pair they can occur either a little earlier or a little later.

Main periods of crisis:

• 1-2 years - birth of a child;
• 3-6 years - the child masters speech;
• 7-9 years old - entry to school;
• 10-14 years - adolescence + midlife crisis;
• 15-19 years old - empty nest syndrome;
• 20-24 years old - children getting married, mastering the roles of grandparents, aging;
• 25-30 years - menopause in the wife, decreased libido in the husband.

In each period, the psychology of family crises identifies a peak that accounts for the maximum number of divorces:

• 1 year;
• 3 years;
• 7 years;
• 10 years;
• 15 years;
• 20 years;
• 25 years.

Each crisis is characterized by its own problems and, accordingly, ways to solve them. What will help you get out of an impasse in the first year of married life will no longer work after 10 years.

It is difficult to say how long each period lasts. It depends on the character and behavior patterns of both halves. Someone may wait patiently for the situation to be resolved for months, dragging it out. Others, due to their temper, cut the Gordian knot right away. As practice shows, on average, a conflict matures within 6-12 months.

Don't wait for your partner to make the first move

“Why should I be the first to ask for forgiveness? Let him!" In any conflict, it is always difficult to be the first to take a step towards reconciliation - anyone would prefer that the opposite side do so. But they expect the same from us. Why shouldn’t you expect your partner to make the first move in crisis situations? Firstly, a woman by nature is more acutely and quickly aware of problems in relationships. Secondly, it is always easier to take the first step yourself than to patiently wait for action from someone else. Well, thirdly, it is important to understand that you are doing this primarily for yourself. Do you need this relationship? So, we don’t wait, but act...

How to measure the depth of a crisis in a relationship?

The simplest and fastest way to measure a crisis is time. How long does the conflict last? How long has there been no intimacy or sex? If conflict periods last no more than two weeks, then, as a rule, there is no crisis; if longer, then it’s worth thinking about.

It is dangerous if in a relationship, instead of admiration and respect, contempt for your partner appears, when you cannot find in yourself anything but resentment and regret, when instead of understanding and patience there are only demands and resentments. In this case, your relationship is also in crisis. The earlier this all started, the deeper the crisis.

Crisis is often measured by the degree of indifference of spouses. In marital conflict therapy, psychologists don't worry so much about clarifying relationships, because this is usually a signal that the couple is still fighting for each other. Much worse is the complete lack of interest in your partner and his world.

The benefits of distancing

It is a mistake to believe that the correct actions to improve relationships are over-activity in expressing love feelings and surrounding the partner with maximum care. During a crisis, all this is just annoying...

If there is a feeling that feelings are fading and there is no confidence in a future together, we switch to friendly distancing mode.

What does this look like in practice? Like the golden mean in a relationship - don’t throw yourself at your partner, but don’t boycott him, which sometimes only makes the woman feel worse - after all, men can more easily endure prolonged silence. Therefore, we communicate calmly, friendly and restrained with our partner. But at the same time we keep our distance...

How to recognize the first crisis in a relationship?

The first family crisis begins to develop when partners mentally and physically distance themselves, when problems arise in everyday communication. Spouses talk less and less about their needs, expectations or fears. Communication is often limited to topics of shopping or raising children, exchanging short sentences such as “buy milk after work,” “pick up the kids from school.” At the same time, a man and a woman are physically distant from each other and do not want tenderness and intimacy.

Over time, minor weaknesses of the partner, which were not important before, begin to irritate. We begin to point out mistakes, look at our partner critically, and focus on the little things.

Seesaw of emotions

Sometimes we forget that life is a sine wave. Ups alternate with downs, and if today we had a good time with our loved one, then tomorrow the pendulum of the relationship may swing in the other direction.

What does this look like in times of crisis? We had a fight, didn’t talk for a long time, and then one day we made up. Then a storm of positive emotions, a feeling of flying - and a feeling that everything was going well... But the next day there was a new one - a quarrel, a feeling of hopelessness: “So it was all in vain! We are not right for each other!"

And at this moment it is important to remember that during a crisis such “swings” are a common occurrence. Today we feel very good, tomorrow we feel bad, the day after tomorrow we seem fine. Then - again.

We take it for granted and do not take wrong steps.

10-14 years

Peak - 10 years (tin wedding).

a brief description of

Psychologists call this crisis of family relationships the second most difficult after the three-year one. Several problematic situations overlap here.

First, both spouses are experiencing a midlife crisis. It is characterized by a depressive state associated with the fact that the dreams of youth have not been achieved, opportunities to achieve something have been missed, and old age is already on the threshold. Overestimating your own experience can result not only in antidepressants and a job change, but also in divorce. After all, the first person who prevented you from achieving your goals is your significant other, who has been dragging you down all this time.

Secondly, the child begins adolescence (12-13 years old), in most cases it goes beyond the control of adults and becomes difficult to manage. Against the backdrop of conflicts with him, the parents enter into confrontation with each other. Phrases are heard more and more often: “You raised him this way,” “No, he is like this because you didn’t raise him,” etc.

Causes:

• prolonged depression, emptiness, emotional burnout;
• loss of interest in family, work, hobbies;
• change of environment, new connections;
• job change;
• the onset of aging (excess weight, wrinkles, gray hair);
• comparison with other, more successful people of this age.

All this is aggravated by the child’s adolescence, which requires increased attention to itself and does not receive it because the parents are going through their own problems. A situation develops in the family when everyone sits in their room with the doors locked and minds their own business. No dinners together, no going to the movies, no talking. In the end, one of the spouses cannot stand it and files for divorce.

How to overcome

1. Don't focus on your inner state. Try to help your other half.
2. Pay more attention to the teenager, talk to him, take part in his life, support healthy hobbies and interests (for both parents).
3. Expand your circle of mutual acquaintances.
4. Do not get involved in social networks and computer games.
5. Do not hush up problems, solve them as they arise.
6. Make an appointment with a family psychologist.
7. Have another child.

Universal advice. To save your marriage at this stage, find a common hobby for the whole family. New impressions, acquaintances, and a change of scenery will help you overcome your midlife crisis and improve your relationship with your teenager. This could be river rafting, cycling, hiking, dancing and much more.

Patience and work...

It’s trivial, but you can’t do without it. No matter what anyone says... There are psychologists, including very famous ones, who do not advise making compromises. If you're not happy with something in your relationship, goodbye! This is, to put it mildly, shortsighted. With this approach, a woman is left alone - simply because there is no relationship in which we are satisfied with absolutely everything about a person. Even if you try to convince everyone (including yourself) of this. Do you think that you have done so much for the relationship? Watch the movie Fireproof and you will understand that this is far from true.

Crisis in marriage - where can I get help?

A crisis, like any conflict, can have both positive and negative consequences. Sometimes a couple is able to cope with a crisis on their own because, despite the difficulties, the spouses want to be together. In other situations, they see no way out other than divorce.

Before you decide to divorce, try to resolve your current difficulties. Remember that even young children feel that something is wrong between their parents, so it would be a good idea to consult a psychologist or psychotherapist. A specialist will help you understand your problem, find ways to overcome the crisis, find the key to a successful relationship and develop measures aimed at improvement.

Sincerity: pros and cons

Sincerity plays a big role in getting out of crisis situations in relationships. Moreover, this role can be both creative and destructive. Honesty and sincerity are wonderful qualities. If we love a person, we feel bad without him, we need him - we don’t need to try to hide it, trying our best to hide behind a mask of indifference. Especially during difficult periods.

We sincerely voice our warm feelings for a loved one, our bright thoughts about him... And without expecting an immediate response. We sincerely talk about our desires, we are not afraid to seem weak and confused, unsure of ourselves. All this will help melt the ice in the relationship.

And in what cases is sincerity inappropriate? This is obvious: “Now I will tell him everything I think!!!” It’s better not to rush here...

How long does the crisis period last?

Peak period – 20-25 years. In some families, the crisis passes almost unnoticed . After the children leave, the spouses finally begin to live an active life, regardless of the younger generation. If the difficult period coincides with middle age, then the family crisis passes simultaneously with the crisis of 40 years.

The duration depends on how interested the spouses are in maintaining the relationship. The crisis can last 3-4 months, a year, two years. The longer it lasts, the greater the likelihood of divorce.

Warmth, calm and orderliness

This is the basis of female behavior in times of crisis. But where can you get warmth when your soul is lousy? During difficult periods, we definitely have no time for calm... But the inability to immerse ourselves in this state does not mean that we cannot behave in a similar way.

Can’t show a warm attitude towards your husband at the moment? Show it to children! Don't make them hostage to your difficult relationship.

Educate yourself in the best British traditions - do not allow negative emotions to be particularly reflected on your face.

I understand that not every one of us has a phlegmatic temperament. Especially! It will be a new and interesting experience. We calmly solve the problems that arise and systematically move towards our goal - creating, establishing and maintaining harmonious relationships in the family.

Family crises by year

Year 1 crisis

Blinded by love, we do not see our partner's shortcomings. I want to spend every minute together. Whether it's love at first sight or a feeling that continues to develop, we are so focused on each other that we don't see the world outside of the relationship.

But the period of first admiration passes, we return to a normal rhythm, and suddenly it turns out that our ideal is scattering socks around the apartment. The girl was waiting for a “prince on a white horse,” but in the end she had a “teddy bear” lying on her sofa and watching a football match. Prose of life. Which, however, can effectively spoil the love atmosphere.

Possible causes of the crisis: discrepancy between the ideal and the real person, improper division of household responsibilities, living together with parents, financial problems, boredom, the birth of the first child.

Crisis 3 years in marriage

There comes a day in the life of every couple when partners recognize each other's relatives and friends. They are often the cause of misunderstandings. “How can she consult her mother on every issue?” “How can he afford to go out with friends whose only desire is to relax on the weekend with beer?” In the absence of experience of family life, it is difficult to understand that the mother-in-law, being older and wiser, gives valuable advice, and a friend, who, at first glance, has no other entertainment than the aforementioned drinking beer, is, in fact, a cheerful and reliable person.

In addition, after 2-3 years of living together, we begin to notice each other's shortcomings. We point out mistakes. We feel the need to be with other people. We want to spend time apart sometimes. This is a natural stage of any relationship. This is a good time to learn the art of compromise, learn to accept flaws and respect needs.

Possible reasons for the crisis: different interests, fading feelings, a problem with living space, career growth of one of the partners.

Childbirth crisis

This is usually the first major crisis. The first years of marriage are marked by the birth of a child, and the decision to expand the family is a test for the relationship. Despite the happiness that a child gives, a young parent must come to terms with the fact that his life will be turned upside down for some time. You have to finally grow up in order to be responsible not only for yourself, but also for your family.

The first changes are felt already during pregnancy. A woman’s body is changing, a new life is born in her - both for her and for him this may be a reason to refrain from intimate relationships. Immediately after childbirth, sex ceases to exist for a while; the priority for young parents is sleep. We lose patience, get tired, start to worry more, and feel rejected. We feel like our life is falling apart.

Usually at this stage we blame each other for a lack of responsibility. Men feel abandoned and unwanted and begin to doubt the meaning of marriage. Unfortunately, it is at this stage that the first betrayals most often occur, and relationships are filled with resentment, jealousy and rivalry.

Crisis 5 years in marriage

As we approach five years of marriage, we argue more and more. On average, according to statistics, 2.7 hours per week (for comparison - 1.2 hours at the beginning of the relationship). Sex is no longer a priority. We have less and less time and opportunities for pleasant moments for two. About 70% of couples admit that their partner's behavior and habits, which were previously considered harmless or even cute, begin to bother them. This is the time when we look at our companion, see all the shortcomings that we had not noticed before and experience shock: am I sharing my life with the right person? Or maybe I was wrong?

Possible causes of the crisis: lack of romance, affairs on the side, stagnation in the development of the partner as a person, lack of children.

Crisis of the 7th year of marriage

Do you know what Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher have in common with millions of other couples around the world? The crisis that struck them after seven years of marriage. In a study commissioned by Pure Romance, interesting data was obtained. One thousand Americans who had been married for twenty years indicated that the seventh year was the hardest for them.

“Scattered socks,” along with thousands of small conflicts, are becoming a problem that is increasingly difficult to overcome. According to respondents, controversial issues include money (about 50%), division of household chores (31%), sex (16%) and legal issues (13%). Here are four main reasons for misunderstandings that lead to conflicts.

Crisis of 9 years or crisis of achievements in professional activity

A crisis occurs when feelings compete with the desire to make money. Most often, the man takes responsibility for maintaining the family. He ceases to be romantic, he has no time, he is overtired and exhausted. The woman takes care of the house, does the shopping and raises the children. Boredom, monotony and lack of passion creep into life.

Possible causes of the crisis: sexual dissatisfaction, indifference and lack of emotions, different environments, routine and everyday life, a change in the social status of one of the spouses and career growth.

Midlife crisis – 13-15 years together

As our children grow up and our professional situation stabilizes, we begin to think about our attractiveness. We try to prove to ourselves that we are still young and interesting, and we seek confirmation of value from members of the opposite sex.

Possible causes of the crisis: prolonged depression or burnout, new connections and change of environment, change of job, beginning of aging (dissatisfaction with oneself, partner), change of interests.

Character Education

Let's continue the topic started in the previous paragraph. Any conflicts are good because they educate us. With the right attitude towards the situation, we develop, change for the better and gain useful experience. In this sense, any crisis is only beneficial.

It seems to me that the approach is: “This is who I am. Accept it as it is!” - not very wise. It’s one thing when “that” is a balanced, friendly and happy woman. Then we are accepted without categorical statements. Otherwise, such statements will not change anything.

Who feels good next to an arrogant and hysterical person? Not a single mentally healthy person. And instead of working with qualities that are clearly interfering with her life, such a woman proudly awaits “acceptance”...

Conclusion: we educate ourselves, learn from others, develop useful qualities, work with problematic ones. And we thank fate for its invaluable lessons.

Crisis of young parents

The desired first child is a difficult test for a couple. Most often, such family crises occur in the fourth year of marriage. Pregnancy and the birth of a child lead to the fact that a woman is completely immersed in motherhood and forgets about her husband. In men, the paternal instinct is not developed immediately, and if reproaches are heard from the wife, then he completely feels unnecessary. For this reason, betrayal often occurs.

Remember that this is your common child, so you need to raise him together. Let your spouse spend more time with the baby and help with everyday life.

Men should understand that their wife no longer feels attractive and may have complexes after childbirth. Show care and attention, show that your spouse is still desirable. Find time to be alone, leaving the child with grandma.

Photo: pixabay.com: UGC

Flexibility and versatility

I think this is the basis of female behavior. Showing flexibility and versatility in solving various life problems is the key to success in any business. And establishing relationships during a crisis is simply a necessity. Reluctance to seek compromise, stubbornness, rigidity and categorical attitude towards other people - it is this, and not specific events, that are the reasons for most divorces.

Refusal to search for different solutions to a complex problem is the path to an erroneous result. Therefore, we do not forget about flexibility and variability in behavior - especially since it is already inherent in the female character. It is very important to use these valuable qualities. Especially in times of crisis.

How to overcome a crisis in a relationship?

Difficulties such as job loss, illness, financial problems are events that can end in two ways: we can become closer, support each other in a difficult situation, or begin to distance ourselves. When disagreements appear more often, we begin to think about breaking up, we want to run away, we lose the strength to fight, and we give up.

What you should do at the first stage of a crisis is to think about yourself, your needs, behavior, emotions and feelings towards your partner. Relax. A crisis is not a scam. This is not a fire, there is time to figure everything out.

Analyze your relationships

1. Do you want to be in a relationship with this person? If yes, move on to the next question.
2. Remember what you were like at the beginning of your relationship. What has changed and why?
3. What dreams and plans did you have, what was successful and what was not realized?
4. Write down on a piece of paper everything that, in your opinion, your partner lacks for the ideal. For example, he doesn’t strive to earn money, he’s put on weight, he’s always tired, he doesn’t hug you, doesn’t bring you breakfast in bed, doesn’t give you flowers, doesn’t invite you to restaurants, etc.

Is the list ready? Now look at how many of the above you yourself do not do in relation to your partner and yourself. How often do you worry about his well-being, touch him, kiss him, look into his eyes? Do you take care of yourself regularly? When was the last time you showed any family initiative?

If you are really doing your best, but your partner remains indifferent, consult a psychotherapist. It's time to seriously work on your relationship. After all, you cannot just give without receiving anything in return, because this leads to disappointment and malaise.

Change your communication pattern

Instead of constantly complaining, ask your partner how his day was. Offer to take a walk together, go to a cafe without children, where you will have the opportunity to talk. Build relationships. A crisis comes when there are problems with the ability to communicate, explain one's point of view and accept the arguments of the other side. Therefore, psychotherapists recommend talking and not avoiding problematic topics.

How to talk in a moment of crisis?

Contain strong emotions

If the crisis escalates, each partner feels bitterness and regret. It is also difficult to remain calm when your partner's words hurt and force you to defend yourself at all costs. The conversation may end in a quarrel, which, instead of the expected results, will only worsen the crisis. Try to avoid this.

Talk about yourself and your feelings

Refrain from blaming, try to sincerely talk about your emotions and feelings. Tell your partner what behavior hurts you and what makes you suffer. Instead of criticizing your partner, try to convey information in a way that he can understand how you feel.

Don't expect too much

Don't expect too much after the first conversation. Don't bet on a specific outcome or reaction from your partner. Think of dialogue as the first step towards further efforts and discussions. Monitor your feelings and behavior during the conversation. Listen carefully to what your partner says and remember his main message.

Rule 5:1

According to surveys, the average couple quarrels 4 times a month. In theory, this is not a very alarming figure, but if there is nothing else in the relationship except arguments and gray reality, problems arise.

Psychologists have created the 5:1 rule. For each conflict, they recommend organizing 5 opportunities to be together and do something good. This minimizes the risk of getting separated.

Family traditions

Another good way to reconcile is to continue to observe family traditions and celebrate significant anniversaries. A good morning kiss or dinner together won't take much time. Treating rituals as sacred strengthens the couple and protects it from inevitable crises.

Try to diversify your family life. You can, for example, start going to the pool on Sundays, start a tradition of playing board games with your children, and watching movies together. It is important that the whole family has the opportunity to get together and spend time together.

Practical advice

1. Support each other. Try to focus on treating each other with respect and consideration. Leave your complaints, rather think about the needs of your partner.
2. Determine general views on education. If the crisis is based on raising a child, together with your spouse, determine goals and objectives on how to raise a healthy and smart child. Listen to your partner's opinion and discuss options, rather than consider yourself experts in the field of ideal parenting.
3. Vary your routine. Learn to surprise your soulmate: create a romantic atmosphere, walk around the city together, go to the theater or exhibition.
4. Laugh more! Couples who know how to laugh at their own mistakes, problems and prejudices, as a rule, are more successful in overcoming crises in family relationships. Do not take difficulties too seriously and do not dramatize, because some problems can really be solved quickly if both partners make enough efforts.
5. Experiment in your intimate life. Feel free to show passion and discuss your desires with your partner.
6. Travel. A trip out of town, a hike in the forest, three trips to a neighboring city, or a vacation in another country – it doesn’t matter. A change of scenery will in any case have a beneficial effect on your relationship.
7. Talk. Find out your partner’s opinion, take an interest in his affairs, and have heart-to-heart dialogues.
8. Remember care, affection and tenderness. Marriages can last a lifetime if partners do not forget to treat each other with kindness and respect. Show your feelings through compliments, hugs, and touches. Your spouse will definitely answer you in the same way.

What's next?

Try to focus on what brings you together, what you have already come to, what you have already achieved. If you love and respect each other, and in addition, each of you is ready to change yourself, you will easily survive temporary difficulties. A mature relationship is when we decide to stay with another person despite the difficulties and fight for that relationship.

It is important to understand that the husband/wife will not change much, because the partner is a self-sufficient adult, an individual. We must accept that no one is perfect, so focus on your spouse's strengths and turn a blind eye to his weaknesses.

Taking it to the next level

Often during quarrels and conflicts, in difficult periods, we in despair ask the eternal question: “Why do I need all this?!” Of course, the very formulation of the question here is erroneous. Not “why?”, but “for what?”.

Conflicts in relationships are inevitable. And we need them to reach a new, more mature level of relationships. Thus, wives with “experience” find it funny that young maximalist wives resent their husbands for all sorts of trifles. But everyone has gone through this at one time or another...

Relationships are a living substance. And over time they change... But changes, if you perceive them correctly, are always for the better. And crises in relationships are for the good - having successfully gone through them and having learned a lot, we only develop. We become better versions of ourselves - wiser, calmer. And there is a high probability that they will be happier...

© Natalia Lutsenko, 2021 Family Council

According to research by sociologists and family consultants, each family goes through several stages of development, and the transition from one to another is usually accompanied by a crisis.

It is generally accepted that complications in family life are primarily caused by everyday difficulties. But, besides everyday life, there are a lot of reasons that can provoke a crisis in a family at any stage of its existence.

Firstly, problems in family life can begin when one of the spouses is experiencing his own psychological crisis, for example, a midlife crisis. Reviewing his life, feeling dissatisfied with himself, a person decides to change everything, including his family life.

Secondly, any of the following events entails changes in the family structure. For example, the birth of a child, as well as such life milestones as the child entering school, the child’s adolescence, leaving the parental family.

In addition, the cause of the crisis for spouses is difficulties at work, problems in relationships with relatives, changes in financial situation (both for the worse and for the better), and the family moving to another city or country. And, of course, more serious stress factors - serious illnesses, deaths, wars, job loss, the birth of defective children.

8 dangerous symptoms:

• 1. The desire of spouses for intimacy decreases;
• 2. Spouses no longer strive to please each other;
• 3. All issues related to raising children provoke quarrels and mutual reproaches;
• 4. Spouses do not have the same opinion on most issues that are significant to them (relationships with family and friends, plans for the future, distribution of family income, etc.);
• 5. Husband and wife poorly understand (or do not understand at all) each other’s feelings;
• 6. Almost all actions and words of a partner cause irritation;
• 7. One of the spouses believes that he is forced to constantly yield to the wishes and opinions of the other;
• 8. There is no need to share your problems and joys with your partner;

Just don't explode!

Psychologists conventionally identify several of the most explosive ages of the family. According to statistics, about half of all marriages break up after the first year of marriage. Newly-made spouses do not withstand the test of “everyday life”. Disagreements may concern the distribution of responsibilities, the reluctance of partners to change their habits.

The next critical age for a family is the first 3-5 years of marriage. It is at this time that children most often appear in the family, and the spouses are concerned about arranging separate housing and their professional problems and career growth. Physical and nervous tension cause alienation and misunderstanding between husband and wife. During this period, romantic love degenerates into marital friendship - the spouses are now comrades-in-arms, and not ardent lovers.

After 7-9 years of living together, another crisis may occur associated with such a phenomenon as addiction. Life has more or less stabilized, the children have grown up. Spouses often experience disappointment when they compare reality with how it was imagined in their dreams several years ago. The spouses begin to feel that now everything will be the same all their lives; they want something new, unusual, fresh sensations.

Time passes, and if the husband and wife are still together, after 16-20 years of marriage, another life reef is possible. It is aggravated by the midlife crisis of one of the spouses. There is a frightening feeling that everything has already been achieved, everything has been accomplished, both in the personal and professional sphere.

During this period, foreign sociologists call another crisis period in the life of a family: when adult children leave it. Spouses are deprived of their main “leading” activity - raising children. They must learn to live together again. And women who dealt exclusively with children and home need to acquire new life tasks. For our culture, this side of the crisis is less relevant: often adult children remain to live with their parents. In addition, in most cases, parents take an active part in the family life of their children, raising their grandchildren.

There would be no happiness...

Often, what becomes a “stumbling block” for one family, causing a crisis in relationships, brings another family together, on the contrary.

The art of forgiveness

It is important not only to learn to ask for forgiveness, but also to accept apologies. It is dangerous to “sulk” at your partner for several days, making him feel guilty - eventually it will get boring. If you are not ready for a truce, say so directly: “You know, I need time to cool down and calm down.”

Nothing will work without communication

A family crisis is, first of all, a crisis of communication. More than 80% of married couples seeking psychological help complain of difficulties in communicating with each other. Whereas problems with children and their upbringing, sexual or financial difficulties are the cause of a family crisis in only 40% of cases.

Look for a compromise

If a close relationship has developed between the spouses, if they love each other, that is, they respect, value, and listen to the other’s opinion, then any conflict is just part of their joint desire for mutual understanding.

• Factor No. 1 It is known that the birth of a child in order to “keep” a spouse does not contribute to the strength of the relationship, but, on the contrary, rather accelerates its disintegration. However, children are still able to “cement” relationships - by dealing with their problems, spouses can push their own conflicts into the background and conclude a truce. But when the children grow up and become independent, the parents are again left alone with their contradictions, having practically forgotten how to communicate with each other. Unfortunately, there are often cases when in a family on the verge of divorce, a child suddenly begins to get sick often or constantly has troubles. In this way, he unconsciously “protests” against the breakup of mom and dad’s marriage, attracting the attention of his parents. This, according to psychologists, is too high a price for a family to overcome the crisis. It happens that, having learned that they will soon become parents, spouses who are on the verge of breaking up decide that this is another chance to improve their relationship. And many succeed.

• Factor No. 2 Among the risk factors for family life are early marriages. They are considered fragile because young spouses have to solve too many problems: domestic, professional, financial. But marriages between people who are already “steady on their feet” are predicted to last a long time. However, for those who have lived a bachelor life for a long time, it may be even more difficult to change their usual lifestyle and adapt to someone else. And, conversely, in early marriages, adaptation to life changes and mutual “grinding in” with a partner is easier due to the psychological flexibility characteristic of young people.

• Factor No. 3 Most people believe that a family forced to constantly overcome difficulties most often “breaks”, unable to withstand the burden of problems. But for some, the cause of family crises is... “stagnation,” routine, boredom, while difficulties only bring spouses closer together. Stability and regularity of life provoke a crisis.

Darlings scold, only amuse themselves

A recognizable situation: an offended wife greets her husband with icy silence. She expects him to telepathically read her thoughts, understand the extent of his guilt and beg her. However, in 98% of cases, she will have to endure the offense alone (the husband will never understand why his wife is offended). And the unexpressed resentment will “sting” the worrying woman like a scorpion. They say that “to be offended is to punish yourself for the mistakes of others.”

It’s better to quarrel, psychologists advise. But to prevent the quarrel from developing into a banal scandal, conflict experts have developed a number of rules:

Don't insult your partner.

When blaming your spouse for something, avoid generalizations: “You always...”. It’s better to say about yourself: “I’m offended and sad to spend every weekend alone.”

Don't criticize your spouse in public. One of my friends, who grew up in a wonderful family, recalled: “Mom could argue with dad until she was hoarse in private, but in public she invariably took his side.”

Follow the “golden rule”: “Don’t tell others what you don’t want them to tell you.”

Put yourself in your partner's shoes. For example, the husband is in no hurry to go home after work and spends little time with the child. Or maybe you often reproach him? Or do you control your husband’s communication with the baby too strictly, criticizing the games and books chosen for reading?

Try to avoid obviously controversial topics such as politics, religion, etc., especially if you have different points of view.

And write letters. This way we avoid a heated quarrel, better understand our feelings and - most importantly - throw out negative energy on paper.

Your personal space

And at home, each spouse should have a zone free from the influence of the other. You don’t even have to leave your apartment to do this. It’s just that each spouse should have a place where he can retire: with a book, watch his favorite movie, sit in silence at the computer.

See with new eyes

Or maybe it’s worth visiting with your husband where he spent his childhood, talking with those who love him for who he is? Then there is a chance to see qualities that are new to you and worthy of admiration. One acquaintance said that he fell in love with his wife again when, after picking her up at work, he witnessed how masterfully she resolved a conflict situation between her subordinates.

Does your husband have a hobby? Show interest. Look at him in a situation where he is successful, passionate. This will help your heart “remember” what made it beat faster a few years ago.

The art of avoiding stereotypes

You and your partner have very different hobbies, but there are no barriers to, for example, going to the pool together or, say, ballroom dancing classes.

The main thing is to destroy the pattern of behavior that has become boring over the years. Sometimes it is useful for spouses to take a break from each other, to go, for example, with friends to the sea. Do not be afraid of such a desire - this is a completely natural need for a change of impressions. One “but”: this opportunity must be available to each spouse.

Genre crisis? Welcome!

Don't be afraid of a crisis. Many families pass them by without thinking or suspecting what it is. They simply overcome the difficulties that have arisen. Successful resolution of the crisis is the key to the further development of the family and a necessary factor for the effective living of subsequent stages.

Every crisis is a leap forward, going beyond the boundaries of old relationships. A crisis in a relationship helps spouses see not only the negative, but also the valuable that connects and binds them. Meanwhile, separation is more likely a consequence of a crisis that was handled incorrectly.

Analyze it!

Another way to cope with a crisis is to consult a family counselor. This can be done on the online Psychologists service HelpZone.Today by following the link >>> https://helpzone.today/ Many, however, believe that an intimate conversation with a mother or friend is a completely adequate replacement. However, we are more likely to find emotional support in family and friends, but not a way to solve the problem.

Features of the development of marital relations after

After crisis comes renewal. The couple, having gone through a difficult period, still decide to stay together . They have common interests, conflicts occur more constructively. There are more positive emotions.

If the crisis ends unsuccessfully or not completely, then conflicts will continue and mutual understanding will not be achieved. But at this age people are already getting used to living nearby, and it is difficult for them to imagine that someone else will be with them.

Divorce after 20 years of marriage is not uncommon. Therefore, it is important to get through the crisis period correctly, maintaining love, mutual understanding and trust.

Tips on how to improve your relationship with your husband after a quarrel

It is normal when moments of tension and irritation arise in a couple, since we are all different people (each has his own character, outlook on life, upbringing). Any relationship requires attention and work on it. As a rule, measures to strengthen the union and find the causes of difficulties in marriage fall on women’s shoulders.

Advice from practicing psychologists will help you find harmony in your marriage after quarrels:

• Look for the real reason for your grievances. Often a wife reproaches a man for trifles, like socks scattered around the apartment, when in fact she is wildly jealous of his neighbor. Don't try to mask the real cause of your conflicts, otherwise these tensions will never go away.
• Learn to ask for forgiveness. It happens that pride destroys harmony within a union. Don’t hold a grudge, because your husband is the closest person to whom there is no shame in apologizing for some offense.
• Let the man let off some steam. Don’t get into trouble, let your spouse cool down. Conversations and attempts at reconciliation should only begin when you feel his calmness. It is possible that he himself will step towards you to resolve the conflict.
• Use a trick - surprise your husband with something pleasant. You asked for forgiveness, but there was no result? Feed your spouse a delicious dinner, offer to go for a walk, to be alone. It will work!

Ways out

How to act as a wife:

• respect your spouse’s personal space, understand that he sometimes wants to be alone and do what he loves;
• during conflicts, do not get personal, do not raise your voice, but try to solve the problem calmly;
• find a hobby, don’t limit yourself only to home and work;
• take care of your appearance - choose a new wardrobe, adjust your figure so that a man’s interest awakens again and he can be proud of his woman;

How to act as a husband:

• calmly explain to your wife the essence of the complaints, try not to throw out your irritation on her;
• do not limit the wife only to household duties - she should have hobbies outside of the home, in this case life will not seem monotonous;
• understand that a woman is approaching menopause, and this is a hormonal restructuring;
• find common ground - common interests, friends or enemies, heart-to-heart conversations, joint evenings, trips.

In some cases, divorce is the only solution. If any little things irritate a person, even an unclosed tube of toothpaste or a poorly prepared lunch, then life together turns into a complete negative.