LOVE - what is it. Stages of love. What is first love

What is “Love”? Love is a chemical reaction, a spiritual impulse, a desire to be “like behind a stone wall,” or maybe a habit or attachment?

There is no single definition of love in psychology. After all, each person can interpret the definition of this feeling in his own way - this is a certain attitude that sets a behavioral model of the partner’s relationship to the world around him or the object of love.

Love is a foolish thing done together.

NAPOLEON I BONAPARTE

Love

Love: Definition from a psychological point of view

There are three completely contradictory interpretations of the concept of “Love”:

1. Love is a state of falling in love - a disorder akin to neurosis, when attention is weakened, vigilance is lost, a person becomes “detached from this world.”
2. Love is an internal drug when the brain releases pleasure hormones, dopamine, a feeling of happiness and serenity.
3. Love is a painless habit , a person’s need to feel loved, to give these wonderful emotions to others, to be happy and satisfied.

Psychologists say that true love is similar to love for a child, an indicator of a pure soul, dedication to the end, care and renunciation, this cannot be understood with the head, only felt in the heart.

Love is an objective concept, for one person to love is to give gifts, for another it is to sympathize and empathize, and for a third it is to give one’s life without delay. It is sometimes very difficult to take and explain this feeling in words.

R. May's theory of love. Family psychology

R. May points out that in the West there are traditionally 4 types of love:
• sex, lust, libido;

• eros, love as the desire for reproduction or creativity - the highest, according to the ancient Greeks, forms of being and relationships between people;

• philia, or friendship, brotherly love;

• agape, concern for the good of another person, the prototype of which is God's love for man.

Any human feeling of true love is a mixture (in varying proportions) of all four types of love. According to the author, eros (life-giving, meaning-creating force-energy, movement, striving forward) saves sex (satisfaction of physiological needs, attenuation of desire, apathy) from self-destruction. But eros cannot exist without affection (philia), brotherly love and friendship. The tension of constant attraction and constant passion would not be great

Text taken from the psychological site https://psylib.myword.ru

wearable if it never stopped. Affection is relaxation in the presence of a loved one, based on recognition of that person; this is a state when we like to be with another, we like the rhythm of the gait, the voice, the whole being of the other. This gives eros breadth, it gives it time to grow, time to take deeper roots. Affection does not require us to do anything for the person we love, other than just being close to him and having fun with him. This is friendship in its simplest and most immediate manifestation. Philia, in turn, presupposes aha-pe.

The author defines agape as a high appreciation of another, as concern for the well-being of another without any benefit for oneself, as selfless love, similar to the love of God for man. However, agape always carries the risk of patronizing (this is necessary and can be accepted). However, every type of love involves caring, and this gives the long-sought meaning to life itself.

What is Love? Physiological arousal? Feeling? Attitude? Unforgettable experience? Knowledge about yourself and others? Meaning of life? The end of life or its beginning? The considered studies of love and theories of love based on them attract the interest not only of psychologists, but are relevant for every person. There are many points of view on love, as well as planes of life experience, forming a single field of love. Love is both abstract and concrete; both endless and fleeting; both physiological and spiritual. The subject of the psychology of Love for research is multifaceted, contradictory and endlessly difficult, but it also attracts generous rewards for the scientist and the ordinary person.

Questions and tasks for independent work1. List the reasons for the idealization of partners during courtship.

2. Is it true that the ability to love is closely related to self-actualization?

3. Do you think that emotional behavior in people is strictly controlled by internal mechanisms or determined by culture?

What are the stages of love?

In total, there are 7 stages that love goes through; they may not occur to everyone, but they do occur:

1. Falling in love is a short period when lovers are immersed in a state of euphoria, they notice only all the good things, do not see the negative sides of each other, but everything quickly ends when people start living together or planning a wedding, or encounter everyday troubles;
2. Satiation - lovers begin to “evaluate their love” differently, coexistence begins, which can lead to separation or unity of the family;
3. Disgust is a real test for lovers, they become selfish, reciprocity disappears, without this stage it is impossible to step into another world, true awareness of love;
4. Humility - lovers begin to adequately look at each other, accept their soul mate as a separate person, with all the vices and shortcomings, begins a period of self-improvement, improvement and mutual understanding;
5. Service - people completely immerse themselves in the world of bliss, the personification of wisdom and piety, support each other in any endeavors;
6. Friendship - accepting each other as a loved one, lovers devote more time to their other half, get to know themselves anew, build new relationships full of madness;
7. Love - partners have come a long way, learned to appreciate and love truly, now they perceive each other as a single whole, without mercantile attitudes and cunning tricks!

It is especially important to realize the fact that love does not ask for anything - this feeling gives warmth, spiritual harmony and pleasure. If a blind love addiction arises, then you need to get rid of it, no matter how difficult it may be at first!

Pure romance

When passion and intimacy arise between two people, they are in the stage of romantic love. With the same worldviews and the ability to turn a blind eye to each other’s shortcomings, this type of relationship has every chance of developing into true love if the couple decides to acquire mutual obligations.

Without obligations, relationships can last for quite a long time if both partners are satisfied with everything: physical intimacy and emotional satisfaction received by each makes this union quite strong.

What do famous psychologists say about the definition of the word 'Love'?

Sternberg: The results of combining the components of love

Sternberg believed that this feeling can carry an objective load in three semantic components: attraction, passion and responsibility towards oneself and the other half.

Ideal love is one in which all these components merge together, feelings become strong and flammable!

What does E. Fromm say about the definition of love?

He considers love to be a momentary feeling that appears in moments of great joy; the motivation of feelings can be fear of loneliness, and in rare manifestations - sadism.

Love, according to E. Fromm, is similar to a commercial transaction; to love is to take and give to the fullest, to open up, dedicate your secrets and let you into your innermost world of love and experiences. Be strong, don’t let feelings go by themselves, control the process, no matter how paradoxical it may sound.

The first violent outbursts of emotions are replaced by brave and strong feelings that help keep the raft of love afloat, and not allow it to break on the rocks of enmity, hatred, constant quarrels and scandals.

A.V. Petrovsky argues differently

He describes love as external manifestations of feeling, accessible to everyone . The way a person changes outwardly when a feeling of attachment to another appears, he renounces his previous life and begins to commit crazy actions. Love is conditioned by intimate attractions and presupposes sincerity and openness to each other.

If there is a lie, then this is not love, but the unscrupulous exploitation of someone else's trust, fraudulent actions, sometimes thoughtless. Feelings should be replaced by actions, but at the same time testify to the same thing. If I love, then it manifests itself in all relationships.

Erich Fromm's theory of love

The research of many famous psychologists, including E. Fromm, is devoted to the problems of love.

The characteristics of this feeling are determined by the personality of the person who loves, as well as by who is the object of love. Love, growing from natural sources, becomes a socially conditioned feeling.

This type of relationship between people does not provide for relations of domination and command of one person over another, and unquestioning submission is alien to it.

Love is considered in two planes: as a form of interpersonal relationships and as a manifestation of moral feelings, although, in essence, it is one. At the same time, it is capable of taking various forms, the diversity of which is discussed in the works of E. Fromm. So, there is love-passion, love-friendship, maternal love, brotherly love, a person’s love for himself as a value and love for God.

Love-passion is love for a single person, which has a psychophysiological basis and presupposes the desire to completely merge with him. It is emotional, exciting and intense, and can be expressed in the form of a triangle whose sides are passion, intimacy and devotion.

But, alas, passion is doomed to fade. And under a favorable set of circumstances, it turns into love-friendship, and if the feeling was strong and mutual, friendly love strengthens.

Motherly love is the love of the protected for the defenseless, the strong for the weak, the haves for the have-nots. Arising on an instinctive basis, it is further strengthened, expanded, and acquires new content in the process of raising children and caring for them.

Brotherly love is love between equals. It applies equally to all close people.

Fromm singled out a person’s love for himself as one of the particularly important types of love. This is the basis of all fundamentals. Not so long ago, this concept was neglected due to the dominance of ideology. There was an opinion that loving others is the highest virtue, and loving oneself is a sin. However, in reality, a person who does not love himself is not able to love others. The biblical saying “Love your neighbor as yourself” conveys a thought of precisely this nature. And this is not egoism, wanting everything that needs to be given to people, this is the love that is the fundamental principle of universal love.

Also one of the forms of love is love for God. Carrying elements of all the above types, this type of love signifies the Supreme Virtue. It is impossible to love God and not love his creation - man.

All types of love live in a person with a deep inner world.

Love is like a chemical reaction

Lovers like to be together, the production of various hormones is triggered, which lead to crazy actions, euphoria, insomnia, loss of appetite, and a change in the reality around.

Love drives you crazy , the brain begins to produce excess amounts of dopamine, and a state of satisfaction appears. A person commits thoughtless actions and is sometimes unable to adequately evaluate the result obtained.

These “aggressive” hormones do not live for a long time, the phase of madness quickly ends, and love passes into another metamorphosis - affection, understanding, trust, unity, etc.

The desire to fall in love is not love. But the fear of falling in love is already love.

ETIENNE REY

The love hormone - oxytocin, plays a key role in the psychology of behavior of lovers, as they say, if you feel good, then I feel great! Love is the complete giving of oneself in exchange for the truth of the feelings of another.

This chemical element helps build relationships, binds families and friends with bonds of love, and helps curb the true feeling inside. Such a change in the psychology of behavior changes life for the better and creates a feeling of trust in others. This method can treat neurosis in patients.

What is first love?

Are these vivid memories or a lesson for life? Many argue that first love is doomed to fail. Parents do not give importance to this hobby of their children; adults often secretly sigh when remembering their first love, sometimes considering it the truest and most sinless.

The first relationship between a man and a woman can be both negative and positive! The most important thing is to learn the right lesson from this situation, not to dwell on the bad, to move forward and build new happy relationships without looking back.

Psychologists say this about this:

1. First love is the first personal relationship between a woman and a man, which is based on contact actions on the part of each other, the first emotions are actively manifested - feelings of love, hatred, anger, jealousy, resentment;
2. the lover remains alone with his experiences, tries to make an adequate decision on what to do next, sometimes the first experiences are so strong that they do not allow the lover to step over this period of life and move on to a new relationship;
3. in first love there are only feelings, all definitions of status fade into the background (material wealth, car, real estate, etc.);
4. lovers cannot accept the circumstances that have arisen sensibly, sometimes they cannot cope with the wave of surging experiences;
5. The meaning of first love is to learn to manage emotions, communicate with the opposite sex, and create your own system of behavior for the successful completion of the next relationship.

We always believe that our first love is our last and our last love is our first.

GEORGE JOHN WHITE-MELVILLE

The first love can form strong ideas about the feeling of love in the future. It is very important to take a positive emotional experience out of this situation, and not ruin your personal life with painful memories.

There is often an illusion that if you return your first love, then your youth will return with it, but you need to live in the present, not the past, because only here and now can you change something in your life, become truly happy and successful.

Six styles of love by John Lee

Canadian psychologist John Lee compared different love styles to a “color wheel.” In his opinion, just as there are three primary colors in the color spectrum, there are three main styles in love:

- Eros - love for an ideal image, both physical and emotional; most often based on physical attraction.

- Ludus is a type of love that is played as if it were a game, or as if they were participating in some kind of competition (which often leads to the simultaneous presence of several partners).

— Storge is love that often arises on the basis of friendship and develops into deep affection.

Just as the three primary colors of the color spectrum combine to create complementary colors, combinations of the three primary love styles create new variations, such as:

— Mania is a combination of love-eros and love-ludus, or obsession. It involves powerful emotional ups and downs, intense jealousy and strong possessiveness.

- Pragma combines ludus and storge - this is practical, rational love. Each partner in such a couple wants to achieve a certain goal. The expectations for this relationship are carefully considered, measured, and realistic.

- Agape is a combination of love-eros and love-storge. This is an all-consuming and selfless feeling.

What myths about love 'erase' knowledge of psychology

Is love at first sight real?

Love at second, third... sight can be bright, rich, inspired and unique. Psychologists often consider situations when a person believes that this is his real soul mate, and then meets another, and the world turns upside down again.

The object of love is one for all years and all centuries!

The first love seems to be the only one, but then the second comes, and feelings are ignited again... In the world, 25% of suicides occur due to the fact that many rivals compete for the favor of “one love.” So for whom is she really the only one?

In a truly loving heart, either jealousy kills love, or love kills jealousy.

FEDOR MIKHAILOVICH DOSTOEVSKY

Every person has a soulmate, the main thing is to spot her in the crowd of numerous passers-by and not miss her, so as not to break the agreement of eternal and happy love.

You cannot live in a world where there is no love, when the other half is completely indifferent to you, because the time will come when true love will appear, and one of the partners will remain “overboard”, in a sea of ​​​​tears and sad illusions.

There are at least a million options for meeting your soulmate; perhaps this requires changing your place of residence, social circle, work, study, but the choice will be made, and the probability of a successful one is quite high.

Does eternal love exist?

Psychologists do not make loud statements on this matter, and the thought of a lover can live for a long period, but the foundations of family life can change these ideas. The higher the need for love, the more acute this problem is.

Most often, love is interpreted as respect, trust, understanding of each other; often a person falls in love several times, because he was not lucky enough to find his ideal. In fact, not everything is so simple, you need to move forward, not dwell on imaginary fantasies and erroneous ideals.

It is difficult to reason sensibly under the influence of the love hormone, but you simply must draw a conclusion and move on with your life!

Is it possible to get married without love?

Is there always love when creating a marriage, but it is worth noting that the intensity of passions also cannot guarantee a strong relationship and a successful union. So where to look for the golden half? How to become happy without love?

Yes, marriage without feelings is sad , but on the other hand, as the French novelist Beigbeder noted, love lasts for three years, and after that a trusting contact is established, a relationship that will keep the couple together or lead to separation.

Problems in the field of love can arise due to the fact that everyone interprets this feeling in their own way. In psychology, there is no one correct solution to how to define love; there are many varieties of it.

Perhaps today you will love your other half as a brother/sister, friend, and tomorrow that flaming feeling will come that will allow you to create a strong and happy family for many years. Love will be glorified as a divine feeling, a bright transformation of life, driving you crazy.

Love is joy, understanding each other without words, mutual satisfaction , in this case we can talk about strong further family ties, and the birth of children will become a magical unity of this marriage.

'Imaginary' love

If relationships between people arise against the background of internal emptiness, or the replacement of one partner by another, then they can be called dependent, and most often doomed to a sad existence.

This is a serious psychological problem, not everyone can bear such responsibility, in such relationships there is no free choice, most often such individuals remain lonely and unhappy for the rest of their lives.

Don't be afraid of the smart ones. When love comes, the brain turns off.

ELENA ZHIDKOVA

“Feelings are the element of actions that are not subject to anyone!”

In such a field, betrayal, mistrust, suffering, meanness and the destruction of such a wonderful feeling as love can arise.

You need to learn to love and be happy without any conditions, just as a mother loves a child; she plunges headlong into this state and does not set any selection criteria for herself.

If there is emptiness in your soul, then you first need to understand yourself why this happened, and not fill it with someone based on rash actions. Until a person loves himself and accepts himself with all his shortcomings and contradictions, it is unlikely that anyone will do this for him.

Do, don't say

Partners should discuss their relationship regularly to quickly identify problems. Let’s say, discuss important issues once a month. This gives partners the opportunity to get closer and make the relationship more viable. “Couples who hold such meetings regularly have almost no problems, as they quickly resolve all difficulties. They learned to love with their heads and hearts.”

When 42-year-old Oleg and 37-year-old Karina met, their relationship was filled with passion. They felt a strong physical attraction to each other and therefore considered themselves soul mates. The fact that they see the continuation of the relationship differently came as a surprise to them. They went on vacation to the islands, where Oleg proposed to Karina. She perceived it as the highest manifestation of love - it was what she dreamed of. But for Oleg it was just a romantic gesture. “He did not consider marriage a manifestation of true affection - now Karina knows this well. – When we returned home, the question of the marriage ceremony did not come up. Oleg simply acted on the spur of the moment.”

Oleg and Karina tried to sort out their differences with the help of a family therapist. “It's not something you want to do when you're engaged,” says Karina. “But on our wedding day, we knew that we had thought carefully about every word we said. Our relationship is still full of passion. And now I know that this will last for a long time.”

Interesting facts about love

Love is an amazing feeling that suddenly flares up in the hearts of people. The power of love can build cities and start wars, depending on whose hands it is in.

"Butterflies in the stomach"

They really exist, and this is due to the hormones that the body produces when falling in love.

• Dopamine is purposefulness, at the beginning of communication it forces you to achieve the desired goal, pushes you to take the first steps.
• Serotonin is a good mood, gives a person the opportunity to feel omnipotent.
• Adrenaline is a hormone that allows a person to quickly adapt to an extreme situation.
• Adrenaline is one of the most important hormones; it is one of the main provocateurs of the feeling of “butterflies in the stomach”.
• Endorphins are pleasure and allow a person to be happy.
• Oxytocin - tenderness, is produced when passion in a relationship subsides and the relationship moves to the level of strong attachment. Feelings of love are equivalent to the euphoria from relaxing drugs, and the touch of a loved one can replace painkillers.

Broken heart

Love affects a person so much that separation can really disrupt the functioning of the heart muscle, then the heart will really hurt. Of course, you can't really break your heart, but constant stress can slow down the production of substances that stimulate the heart.

Love

When a person falls in love, cortisol levels in the blood increase, similar to people with obsessive-compulsive disorder. But love lasts only one year. It is believed that after this period, people either break up or move on to a more serious stage of their lives - love. It is also known that, when falling in love, a person does not see shortcomings in his partner, while love opens his eyes to the shortcomings of human character, but makes it possible to accept them.

Confidence

People who love and are loved by someone are trusted more than those who are unlucky in this matter. For some reason, people who know how to love are much closer to their interlocutors than people who do not experience warm feelings. This may be due to the unconscious desire of the interlocutor to feel that the person can be relied upon and trusted, and if he is in a romantic relationship, then he is quite reliable and responsible.

Friendship

A study of the psyche of people who were in love showed that when romantic feelings arise, a person is more indifferent to public opinion, and also pays little attention to friends, devoting almost all of his attention to the object of sympathy.

Start with yourself

If a person cannot find a partner close to his ideal, then it is worth understanding himself. If you come across dull, greedy, angry, rude people along the way, then the problem is within you. On a subconscious level, a person chooses the one he deserves. Like attracts like. You need to become more cheerful if you want a cheerful partner, that’s all.

Unfortunately, there is no recipe for ideal relationships in the world, but if you know some of the subtleties of love psychology, you can get the partner you have been dreaming of.

Female and male psychology in love and relationships

The psychology of men and women in relationships is radically different. Men first of all pay attention to a woman’s appearance. Their interest often causes sexual attraction. Women are more romantic. They may be attracted by a man’s sensitivity, calmness and determination.

Men's psychology in love and relationships is based on the desire to protect and protect their woman. That is why women who are not afraid to show their weakness are in greatest demand. Men are more stingy with emotions. They strive to prove their love with deeds, not words.

Women's psychology in love is based on the desire to start a family. Representatives of the fairer sex are more emotional and impressionable. They often idealize their loved one and look at relationships through rose-colored glasses. A woman in love blossoms and tries to take more care of herself. Love serves as motivation and inspiration for her.