I want love, what should I do? 5 tips to find love and 3 fears that prevent you from finding it

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At first you strictly came home before dinner, then you only took a sip of champagne at parties, then you earned money for a car and an apartment.

Now all that remains is to meet with unmarried friends and discuss the latest news. And where is the man on this list?

Here, here... He's gone. You understand that you have already outgrown the stage when you can be happy without a man. Now you realize “I want love, what should I do?” Yes, what should I do?

Love is good, don't forget about it!

Everyone wants to love and be loved. The realization that someone needs you inspires you. Our upbringing gives us the necessary knowledge about technology, success, beauty, and health. But “love” is used to being ignored, as if it were a matter of course.

And in vain. After all, it is precisely because of the lack of this feeling that self-destruction, grief, and hatred occur. To find, enjoy and keep love, you need to gain strength and carry it through your entire life. But many have nothing to find, nothing to enjoy, and nothing to preserve.

Often this desire arises due to constant loneliness. Monotonous work, the same thing every day, the same people. The result is “I want someone, but I don’t know who.”

Challenge #7: Question Loneliness

The feeling of loneliness is one of the most common negative emotions in the world. The best thing you can do is to make qualitative changes in your thoughts about loneliness. Instead of taking them literally, question them. Ask yourself: “How do I know this is true? Can I find evidence to the contrary? Is there a way to positively reframe this experience?”

Research shows that changing negative thoughts is four times more effective than any other method of combating loneliness. You will have the opportunity to try this skill on the next task.

Another platitude - love people!

Without knowing it, we often simply do not like those around us. We become angry at everyone.

As long as you remain in conflict with others, the path to your loved one simply remains closed. Nobody forces you to become everyone's best friend, your task is to accept people as they are.

Try to see beyond your nose and understand the reasons for their actions. Why is the boss's secretary such a bitch? Maybe because a man left her before, she was betrayed several times and now she doesn’t trust anyone?

A person’s own importance to others

For most people, the fact that they are loved by loved ones is important. Nevertheless, there are individuals for whom the value of public opinion is particularly high. A person wants to be loved by everyone around him. But is this normal from a psychological point of view?

The desire for universal love is associated with serious psychological problems that come from childhood. It is possible that a child was loved in childhood only when he was good. Thus, the child did not understand what it means to “love, no matter what.” Now that he has become an adult, he decided to earn the love of others.

A person with normal self-esteem has no desire to be adored by everyone. It is enough for him that his loved ones love him. As a rule, people with normal self-esteem are not afraid of being scolded by their boss for a poorly done job or being rude by a salesperson in a store.

Move! Move!

Sports are great. Walking is also good. But we often forget about the movement of energy and soul. How long has it been since you talked to new people? How are you going to find love if you have the same thing every day.

Learn to say “yes” to life without fear. Did a friend invite you to visit your friends at their dacha for the weekend? Agree. Is your favorite band coming to your city? Buy the tickets. Have you been invited to a cafe with an unfamiliar company? It's time for new acquaintances.

Give the Universe the opportunity to introduce you to someone.

Task No. 3: Love and learn to express gratitude

Scientists have long found that a feeling of gratitude makes people happier and healthier.

A powerful “thank you” will change the way you feel for the next 24 hours.

The likelihood that you will see something good in everyone you meet will increase, and your feelings of hope and compassion will grow stronger. Such an energy-intensive “thank you” also inspires the person who receives your gratitude.

But not every “thank you” entails such a response. A text message with just one word "thank you" may subtly strengthen the social connection, but if you want to make a difference with your gratitude, you need to learn a special kind of "thank you."

The three-part “Super Powerful Thank You” was developed by Dr. Kelly McGonigal, a professor of psychology at Stanford University and an expert in the science of gratitude.

Find the benefits. What good did this person do to you? Answer specifically!
Acknowledge the effort. What might be difficult for him?
Identify your strengths. What good do you see in the person you are thanking?
Always start and end with “thank you.”

Here's what it looks like in practice:

Find the edge: “Thanks for suggesting new workout music. She helped me feel motivated today even though I felt like I was too tired to work out.”
Acknowledge the effort: “You have so much to do! I’m very pleased that you still remember my desire to study more.”
Identify your strength: “You know how to support anyone and help them achieve their goals. I see that you care about my success as much as you care about yours.”
"Thank you".

To consolidate your knowledge and complete the task, repeat these words out loud five times: find advantage, acknowledge effort, identify strengths. That's all there is to a life-changing "thank you."

Platitude number 3. Be free.

Free yourself from the past, from public opinion. Who cares what job your man has, whether he is fat or very thin, how old he is. Or maybe your chosen one is a girl? And so what?

To be loved means to fill yourself with what makes you happy, not those around you.

Falling in love with grievances and memories of your ex will not work. Your partner will immediately feel a certain coldness in your relationship. Throw away all his gifts, delete correspondence and phone number, don’t forget to unsubscribe on social networks.

Why do you need to know about his life? Be more interested in your real partner.

Task No. 9: Love yourself

To develop self-compassion, go through three steps:

Pay attention to your experiences. Acknowledge the feelings.
Allow yourself to want to alleviate this suffering, just as you would try to alleviate the suffering of a friend or loved one.
Recognize that you are not alone in your suffering. It is part of the common human experience that connects you to other people.

Here's a technique that experts say is the fastest and easiest way to be kind to yourself. Place both hands on your chest in the area of your heart, thereby expressing goodwill towards yourself. Feel the warmth of your hands and take three deep, relaxed breaths. This technique is called "hands on heart."

Try this right now for at least 15 seconds. Repeat the technique throughout the day whenever you feel the need to be kind to yourself.

Don't run away from love!

Girls who just want to be loved choose one of three paths:

They begin to constantly search for their ideal love and, as a result, get used to this state. Over time, they will no longer be able to truly become attached to someone.
They give their love not to a specific person, but to music, work, and travel. Such girls devalue feelings.
Moves into a relationship with one-sided devotion. She cannot take, she only has the attitude of giving.

All these women are running away from true love in one way or another. Hiding behind an imaginary ideal, a favorite hobby or obsessive devotion.

Task No. 8: Get rid of three thoughts about loneliness

Below are three negative thoughts that may arise after meeting in a public place. How could each of them be neutralized? Consider strategies for overcoming thoughts of loneliness: question your assumptions, find evidence to the contrary, and reframe your perceptions!

“I have nothing in common with the people I met tonight.”
“No one was interested in listening to what I had to say.”
“Everyone except me had a great time.”

What to do if you want love, but there is none?

The need for love is a normal and natural desire. This is human nature: to love and be loved. Even the most callous and evil people secretly dream of this feeling.

To love, you need:

get to know yourself;
find harmony with others;
take care of your beauty;
move;
become free.

Some, out of fear of rejection, begin to run away from love. They hide, withdraw and live in eternal fear.

Love is not a commodity-money relationship. If you chose your partner based on his wallet, don’t be surprised why you still haven’t felt loved.

I want to be loved!

Warmth and comfort will not settle in your soul by themselves. It's time to shout to the whole world: “I want love, and to be loved!” Statuses that will help you with this! And if you have already found someone with whom you want to be happy, they will open his eyes to this.

I want to see you, I need it, and if this is a disease, then I have a cold from you.
Don't live sadly. Don't regret what happened. Don't guess what will happen. Take care of what you have.
Today we need to live by a simple principle: praise yourself, help yourself, love yourself... in short, do it all yourself!
There are moments that you want to stretch out for the rest of your life, and there are people you always want to see.
Don't hold anyone, let them go... it's their choice.
Whatever one may say, people change when they fall in love.
When you miss a loved one, every little thing reminds you of them.
Real love has no end, it only has a beginning.
Crazy. It tears into pieces. The nights fly by. I want to see you. I love you. Very.
He enjoys warming my frozen fingers. He may not drive a cool car, but he is the best boy in the world.
It's great when we're together!
What did I find in him? Everything I was looking for!
If you love, don’t create unnecessary barriers.
I am all yours with my heart, and you go ahead, trample, erase...
If you're not going to spend the rest of your life with a person, then why the hell are you touching them now?
Loneliness isn't that bad considering most people are crap!
My goal is to be a good wife and a good mother. I think this is the main thing for a girl. The rest is secondary.
Take a look at the clock dial - the hands on it only go forward. Do you know why? Because the past is the past. It can no longer be changed.
One day there comes a moment when something clicks and you begin to look at it with completely different eyes...

Girls want tenderness and caresses so much

How sensuality is born in a girl and how she should behave with her betrothed in order to have fun together, and not practice a physiological action, says sex therapist Mikhail Dvorkin.

The sexuality of girls is a gift of nature that attracts the attention of young people to them. They, unlike romantic ladies, know exactly what they want and strive with all their might to achieve their simple goal.

“Judging by numerous surveys, women aged 18 to 25 rarely experience orgasm, if they even know what it is,” says Mikhail Dvorkin. – If you and I take into account the error, assuming that many, for example, were afraid to tell the truth and lied, we will get extremely sad statistics.

Personally, she worries me, because I am sure that a young woman is simply obliged to enjoy life, and sex should not be an exception. Lack of satisfaction can sadly affect both her physiology and psyche.

Physiology, frankly speaking, will not suffer so much, because at a young age the level of hormones a woman needs is high and, as a rule, she does not feel an acute lack of sex. But a girl’s psyche suffers much more without regular sex. Firstly, she feels inner uncertainty when she cannot achieve orgasm. Secondly, she believes that the problem is in her, ascribes to herself some non-existent difficulties and involuntarily convinces herself that she is frigid. Over time, the girl gives up on herself and doesn’t even make an effort to try to have fun.

When and under what circumstances will she be able to get rid of this complex? Only if she meets an experienced partner. What if their paths don't cross? Unfortunately, there is a possibility that she will never find such a person, which means that she will never reveal her sensuality.”

According to Mikhail Dvorkin, it is very important for a girl to understand that she can experience a full range of sensations throughout the entire period of an intimate relationship - from warming up to finish. Not only an experienced partner will help her with this, but she herself will help her.

*SELF-IDENTIFICATION

Specialist comment: “Since sensuality in girls manifests itself quite late, namely in the period from 22 to 25 years, it is necessary to study your body and observe sensations,” says Mikhail Dvorkin. – Girls are less prone to masturbation than men, since they are much more successful at sublimating sexual energy. On the one hand, this helps them adapt in any situation, but on the other hand, it limits them, because each self-satisfaction procedure could become for a woman the next step in understanding her own body.

I strongly recommend that ladies actively explore their bodies in order to experience sensations. And don’t stop at the same techniques, but try new ways of self-satisfaction and even experiment somewhere. The first thing to remember is that you shouldn’t have complexes or be ashamed of what you want. Don't beat yourself up about what you do, it's completely normal. Second: do it as often as you want. There are no “stops” in this matter. And finally, thirdly, be sure to remember what you like in order to later indicate to your partner in which direction to move. I recommend that women even create a heat map of their body, which will show those places where caresses are most pleasant for you. You will be able to easily navigate through it and, if you wish, you can show it to your partner to avoid long explanations.”

* DISCUSS AND ADVICE

Expert's comment : “What do girls usually talk about with each other? – asks Mikhail Dvorkin . – About anything, but not about what might be useful. I recommend that ladies communicate on intimate topics, exchange experiences and discuss the effect of certain caresses. You can believe me, such conversations will help you not only learn about new interesting moments in sexual relationships, but also compare your feelings with those experienced by other girls. This is all a very useful exchange of information that will bring great benefits. Often the problems lie in the lack or complete absence of knowledge on intimate topics. As a rule, there is no time to read about this, but talking with friends during the next meeting is quite possible.

And again, advice: don’t be shy about discussing intimate details, there’s nothing wrong with that. Men, by the way, often do this and are quite confident that they are doing the right thing.”

* GUIDE AND SHOW

Specialist comment: “In ninety-nine cases out of a hundred, a woman can be given pleasure by love foreplay, which many men, unfortunately, very often forget about,” says Mikhail Dvorkin . – At a young age, gentlemen are in a hurry to get pleasant sensations and rarely think about what their partner is experiencing. They have no thoughts about the importance and necessity of love foreplay; they strive to quickly get down to business and get pleasure for themselves.

My advice to ladies: don't be afraid to guide your partner. You can talk to a man and carefully explain to him the importance of love foreplay. Talk about what kind of caresses he likes and voice your preferences. Agree that you will devote the first 15-20 minutes of sex entirely to caressing each other. You can even come up with a punishment for those who do not fulfill these conditions.

If you don’t want to voice all these points, then simply direct the man to those areas that need affection. Act carefully and consistently, without words making it clear that preliminary intimate games are very important to you. Set an example for your partner and also caress him before starting the active phase of sexual relations.

All these points are typical for young partners, whose age ranges from 23 to 25 years. If a man is older, then most likely he has good experience in intimate relationships. Such a partner will be attentive to the woman and will first of all take care of what sensations she receives, and only after that he will think about himself.”

* TALK ABOUT THIS AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE

Specialist comment: “To improve the quality of sexual relationships, feedback is very important,” says Mikhail Dvorkin . – Therefore, partners simply need to talk about their feelings, share wishes and information about what they don’t like. Men are rarely able to talk about sex on their own, so here everything depends on the lady.

I always recommend that women not be offended if their partner had an orgasm earlier, but left her unsatisfied, and not wait until she finally begins to experience pleasure. Everything can be fixed, the main thing is not to give up. A healthy young woman cannot be frigid. Circumstances make her this way and... she herself. Therefore, if a lady wants to feel and is ready to do something for this, then she will certainly succeed.”

Question answer

Problems for two

“Please tell me, if you don’t experience orgasm at all throughout your entire intimate life (about 5.5 years) and to the present day, is this harmful for the female body?

Perhaps the reason is that the guy gets to the end quickly? Is it possible to somehow influence this? I live with one partner, I’m 25, I haven’t had any illnesses.”

Valeria

– Hello, Valeria!

The female orgasm is an amazing thing. To experience it, you need to work hard yourself. If men are given by nature that orgasm is definitely possible at the very first sexual intercourse, then for a woman this can be a journey that lasts several years. First, the woman needs to know her body herself, teach it sensuality, and then teach the man how and what she needs.

Both partners in bed are constantly exploring each other, and, in theory, for the entire 5.5 years you should have strived for variety and prolongation of sex through caresses and games BEFORE, DURING and AFTER sexual intercourse.

A woman will receive pleasure in itself only when she is highly aroused, and this is achievable under the right conditions: relaxation, trust, tenderness, a variety of techniques around erogenous zones, etc.

Just ask your husband

“My husband and I have been together for 7 years, lately we have no intimate life at all. In other respects nothing has changed. There are some small difficulties in work and with finances, but in life everything is not always smooth sailing. He is in a hurry to get home from work; nothing about him and his lifestyle has changed. I tried to talk to him about this topic so that I could honestly tell him the reasons, but if I am ready to discuss everything, then he pretends that everything is fine. What is the reason?"

Lina

- Lina, hello. There is a reason, and only the husband knows it.

This could be a hidden resentment, dissatisfaction, problem. He may not say what the problem is for several reasons: shame, fear of offending you or creating an unstable situation in the family. In any case, we need to talk about this.

There is no need to attack, give ultimatums and make trouble. Try to talk to him calmly in a comfortable environment, for example while watching a movie. Even let him write you a message if he doesn’t want to answer directly. Try again and again until it opens. If he doesn’t say so, then the reason may be a mistress, an illness, an addiction.

Understatement destroys relationships. Try to persuade him to go to sessions with a family psychologist.

Workshop

He also has a headache

Stress at work, lack of sleep, nervous shock - all this affects the strength of the male libido, which is more vulnerable than the female one. How can you help your partner get rid of stress and feel like you're on top again?

Of course, first you need to understand the reasons for the lack of sexual desire. If the source of a man’s “headache” is another woman or physical ailment, then you will not be able to eliminate these causes. In the first case, he can pretend to be a passionate husband, but will continue to think about her; and in the second, all your manipulations are unlikely to lead to the desired result, creating a powerlessness complex in you. Therefore, therapy when a new passion appears should be long-term and serious, and if there are deviations in men’s health, it is necessary to urgently contact an appropriate specialist.

If the reason for the lack of desire is stress at work or general fatigue, then you can defeat them using three effective ways.

Firstly , take care of a change of scenery, since your own walls can put pressure on you . It all depends on what emotions your partner experienced in this place the last time. If you don’t want to analyze the situation, then simply change your “place of deployment” - rent a hotel room for one night or go to an empty apartment with friends. The new environment will free him from painful memories. If this is not possible, try to radically change the appearance of the bedroom: move the furniture, place candles, light aroma lamps. He should develop a feeling of a new place.

The second way is an interesting role-playing game. Find simple costumes, sketch out a script, and off you go. Make your partner feel the excitement of a simple but interesting game, at the end of which a pleasant prize will await him. Men, as a rule, are lively, so involving a partner in such an event will not be difficult. Be sure to reach the end of the script - this action should evoke pleasant emotions in him. Next time it will be much easier for you to organize such an event.

The third proven method is erotic reading. Find a short story with erotic elements and read it to your partner. While reading, he will rest a little, and when it comes to intimate details, he will perk up.

Discover new opportunities

Take a free cooking or driving course.

Be friendly and open to the people you meet. Even if you don't fall in love, you will find a lot of interesting things to do in communication.

Remember, opposites can attract. Two individuals who were initially “pushed off” can enter into a long-term relationship.

It’s not enough to say to yourself “I want to fall in love,” what to do if nothing happens? Be patient.

Even if you go to parties and your friends have introduced you to a lot of attractive people, you should still expect the process to take some time.

It may take years for what you dream of to happen.