How to recognize the beginning of love. What is the difference between love and infatuation? What is the psychology of these feelings

For centuries, people have been trying to understand what love is, because every person at least once encountered this inexplicable feeling that radically changed his life. But even today, despite centuries of searching, there is no unambiguous and generally accepted interpretation of this concept. However, we will try to give the most accurate definition, consider the 10 main signs of love, and therefore get as close as possible to the true understanding of what love is. Let's begin.

What is love?

Love is a long-lasting and strong feeling of affection, implying sympathy for a person, the desire to be close and experience joint emotions, and also to make him happy.
Anyone who has encountered this feeling knows that love implies the strongest affection. A person in love simply cannot imagine life without someone for whom he has romantic feelings. It is interesting that even today psychologists and other scientists cannot unambiguously explain the nature of love and the mechanisms of its occurrence.

Analyzing the nature of love, psychology considers three key manifestations of this feeling:

1. Internal drug
   . Our well-being and mood are determined by a complex set of chemicals that can influence nerve cells. States of love and falling in love cause powerful releases of substances that make a person happy. The nervous system seems to give us a hint: “Here it is!” You feel good when he's around. Remember this!
2. Nervous disease
   . Despite the surge of energy, it is difficult for a person in love to concentrate, his memory deteriorates, and his actions often become illogical. The brain functions in an unnatural way, preventing a person from fully controlling his own actions.
3. Habit
   . The riot of hormones and neurotransmitters subsides over time. But by this moment people remember with whom they feel good, so they continue to love each other, but with a calmer and more balanced love. At the same time, they begin to act rationally again, and mutual feelings no longer prevent them from working and doing other important things.

How is love different from falling in love?

There are thousands of works in world literature that describe the one and only love of a lifetime. In reality, everything is somewhat more complicated. Almost each of us first experienced romantic feelings back in school, but then connected our lives with a completely different person. This is explained by the fact that in their youth people are inexperienced and often perceive their first crush as love.

What is falling in love, and how does it differ from true love? This is a strong sympathy that arises, as a rule, among teenagers and young people who do not yet have experience in personal relationships. Looking at the guy or girl they like from the outside, they create in their own imagination an idealized image that does not correspond to reality. When the relationship develops, the perfect image collapses and feelings disappear.

An important distinguishing feature of love is the desire to take care of a person, give him all kinds of benefits and provide emotional comfort. And although falling in love is not a selfish feeling, it mainly implies the desire to spend time with a person, and not live for him.

The difference between love and falling in love is best described by a Chinese proverb: “Being in love is when you pick the flower you like and take it away. Love is when you bring water to water it every day.”

Love differs from falling in love by awareness. A person in love does not need an ideal; he is ready to put up with shortcomings. True love “ripes” much longer than falling in love, but it is almost impossible to destroy it with petty misunderstandings. We are ready to forgive a loved one more than ourselves.

Falling in love makes a person idealize the object of his affection, and therefore often becomes the cause of unhappy marriages. Young boys and girls, having fallen in love, do not see any flaws in their chosen ones. They quickly start families, believing that they have already met the love of their lives. But living together very quickly sobers them up, and they realize that they are strangers to each other.

True love changes too. Passion and romance pass, but the couple still maintains affection, respect and other important feelings. The so-called “maturation of relationships” occurs. At the same time, the desire to be together is preserved, friendship and mutual affection are strengthened, and the spouses have no doubt that they have chosen correctly with whom to start a family.

How do lovers behave?

The manifestation of love will be expressed differently in a guy and a girl, a man and a woman. Gender plays a big role in relationships, and this is confirmed by the rules of interpersonal psychology.

Men

Young guys and grown men behave the same way. They strive to please their chosen one, begin to take care of their appearance, and are actively interested in the problems, affairs and hobbies of the woman they like. A man in love begins to show signs of attention. This is not only flowers and gifts, but also the desire to spend as much time as possible in the company of the chosen one. He enjoys communicating and talking with her on various topics.

Not all men are ready to immediately confess and expect reciprocity, but some non-verbal signs indicate their interest. This includes constant eye contact, sexual attraction, and other expressions of affection.

Women

Women in love begin to take an active interest in their chosen one; he becomes the topic of most of their conversations with others. When a girl truly loves, she does not notice the man’s shortcomings and strives to idealize him. All women try to interest their chosen one as much as possible and attract his attention, for example, they begin to take care of him, change their appearance, and often use other methods. True love, even unrequited love, can make a woman happy. This is manifested in changes in her mood, appearance and gaze.

Types of love

So, love can arise not only between partners, but also in other types of relationships. Let's look at the most common and familiar varieties.

Friendly or platonic love

In ancient Greek philosophy, there was a fairly widespread opinion that platonic feelings that arise between equals are the strongest and “ideal.” This type of love is free from sexual attraction and presupposes intimacy based on emotions, problems experienced together, and life experiences gained together.

Family love

What is love in a family? In such a unit of society as a family, people coexist with each other not only on the basis of formal blood ties. This relationship is called family love. The feelings that a parent has for a child are indescribable and limitless. In the family there also arises a very strong responsibility for each other, mutual assistance, a desire to help and solve problems.

It is often said that a mother’s love for a child is its ideal and selfless manifestation.

Obsessive love

This type of love is very related to the codependent relationships already discussed. People who experience mania for the object of their desire are characterized by low self-esteem, uncertainty, and lack of understanding of their position in life and place in society. For such people, love is a way to satisfy their ego, increase self-esteem and assert themselves. Therefore, the feeling itself becomes a salvation from unresolved problems.

Lasting love

This is exactly the kind of feeling that a couple can have when they continue to stay together for a long time and build their relationship. Such a love affair involves a unique harmony and unity. To identify this particular type of feeling, you need to pay attention to the following signs:

1. In conflict situations, both partners strive to find a compromise;
2. Partners show patience and understanding towards each other;
3. Both express interest and desire in continuing the relationship and make every effort to achieve this result;
4. Constant development of both partners and the development of the relationship itself.

Self love

You have probably often heard from a psychologist, friends, and family the phrase that “in order to be loved, you must first love yourself.” And this phrase is true. Only a healthy and harmonious person can build full-fledged and high-quality relationships with others.

Self-love is the most important component for building any relationship. You must fully understand your significance, fight against imposed complexes, love all personality traits, work on yourself, develop, and be aware of your personal boundaries.

Loving yourself is the key to a successful relationship with another individual.

Why and for what do they love?

Sometimes they love in spite of everything, common sense, the slander of relatives, they just love and that’s it, quietly and tenderly, often saying to themselves, “well, how mine he is, this dear and beloved person.” And at the same time your heart skips a beat with happiness!

I remember how one of my friends said that “I even like his hoarse voice when he plays and sings with a guitar”... it’s definitely about love!

One of the men, oh, click, here it is, mine! But this does not always happen, because love is a calm, good feeling and it does not come immediately. With love, the amplitude of vibrations is practically absent, there is simply “everything on top” and EVERYTHING!

Love and mental health

While there is no single truth when it comes to defining love, most people agree that love plays a vital role in both physical and mental well-being.

Benefits of love:

1. The lack of love and care that children may experience almost always has a negative impact on their future lives to varying degrees.
2. The feeling of lack of love has a strong relationship with low self-esteem, an inferiority complex and can cause depression.
3. People who live loving lives tend to be happier.
4. Love and a sense of emotional unity can have a direct impact on health, helping to improve immunity.

How long does love last?

Due to the fact that the brain is unable to constantly maintain the activity of the areas responsible for maintaining the feeling of falling in love, this condition can last from one and a half to three years. Therefore, the expression “love lives for three years” is not true; it would be more correct to say: love lives for three years, and then love begins (not for everyone).

However, it was found that such a strong feeling can last much longer in the case of unrequited love. The lover seems to be stuck in this feeling and cannot move on. This phenomenon was called “Russian love”, when a woman has been unrequitedly in love for a long time and is therefore lonely and cannot build a new relationship. According to statistics, six percent of Moscow women do not get married precisely because of this phenomenon. By the way, “Russian love” is exclusively for women.

FAQ

Let's look at the most popular questions that people have when building a romantic relationship.

Why and for what they love

It is impossible to give a definite answer to this question. Each of us has an ideal or image, which, when coincident, sends signals to the brain to release love hormones. Probably, for a clearer answer, you should ask your loved one about this. In general, the following factors can be identified:

1. External image. Despite the fact that love itself is weakly connected with a person’s external appearance, since we love the soul, attractiveness for a person is still an important factor. Quite often, your inner qualities are so strong and important for your partner that your image in his head itself acquires the necessary features of attractiveness;
2. Support and understanding. Each of us is looking for a reliable and faithful person in a partner who will “lender a shoulder” at any moment. When a person shows attention to the problems, interests and life of another, this is very impressive and attractive;
3. Care. People strive to be in peace and harmony at home, so care is one of the components of the emerging feeling of love;
4. Self-development and striving for better. The individual is attracted to independent, strong and established individuals who love themselves, are aware of what they are and are trying to improve.

The ideal of love is not always accompanied by positive feelings. If you have had trauma, mostly childhood trauma, you will associate love with a painful image. For example, your mother constantly devalued your aspirations, humiliated you, but at the same time showed love. Most likely, in your partner you will look for a mother figure who will humiliate you and criticize you. It is precisely these negative criteria that will signal the brain about the release of hormones responsible for falling in love and attraction.

What is needed for mutual love to arise?

Unfortunately, it is impossible to force a person to love you. However, according to statistics, the strongest couples are those that arise from long-term friendships. There is no need to try to force a person to like you. You need to work on yourself, and if your partner sees in you the image in your head, then mutual feelings will arise. If not, don’t expose your life to constant suffering, let go of the opportunity to build a relationship with this person and move on.

Don't try to force a person's feelings for you.

How to find love and learn to love

This question is more philosophical. Finding love is, according to many philosophers, the main meaning of human life. However, there should not be any searches as such. There are many stages of socialization in your life - school, university, work, hobby groups, friends, in which you can meet that same person. In our opinion, it is better to adhere to the attitude of fatality in your life. The only thing is that if you lack communication and attention, then don’t sit at home, constantly immerse yourself in new companies and acquaintances, try to make your life more interesting.

Learning to love is a more difficult question. Love does not recognize selfishness, and accordingly you must strive to understand a person and recognize him as a separate, independent person. If you feel indifference to everything, blocking emotions, consult a psychologist. It is a specialist who will allow you to reveal your aspirations for love.

How long does love last?

There is a rather interesting book, “Love Lives for Three Years.” Many people had a negative reaction to this book. However, if we talk about falling in love, it can really last up to three years. We have already said that falling in love is the first stage of love. And it is after this stage that couples most often break up because they cannot overcome their differences.

The period of love is limited to 12-17 months. But depending on the individual person, this period may be shorter – up to 2 months. When endorphins and oxytocin decrease, a person experiences a decline in the emotions that were characteristic of the person at the very beginning. This becomes noticeable externally - the partner begins to show indifference and become irritated over trifles. You both need to strive to solve problems peacefully and come to a compromise in order to build a stronger relationship.

Falling in love can last up to 17 months

Is love at first sight possible?

In this case, it is more correct to talk about falling in love. Falling in love occurs just at first sight. However, a stronger relationship with a person, as already noted, is built only over the years.

Signs of sympathy

A person can feel sympathy for several people at the same time. It occurs immediately after meeting. This is a feeling of affection for a person, which is characterized by the following signs:

• emotional attraction to a person;
• common values, beliefs, interests;
• a positive reaction to the appearance, character traits, behavior of another person;
• goodwill and increased interest;
• feeling of similarity.

Sympathy often arises in friendship, where there is affection between people and pleasure in communicating with each other, but sometimes develops into falling in love.

Advice from psychologists

Where is love shown? What does it consist of? To understand the opposite sex, you just need to observe a little of his behavior, words, and actions. From this we draw conclusions about upcoming plans, dreams and a general vision of family happiness. By comparing them with your own, it will become clear where and how to move. Even if at the beginning of the relationship it seems that the paths diverge, it is worth trying a few more tips in practice. Learn to respect the opinions and desires of your future or current spouse.

This behavior will give impetus to the development of trust and understanding. There is no person who does not care that they do not listen to him and do not try to accept his personal opinion. Respect is the basis of any relationship. Even when a married couple is 60 years old and they have deep respect for each other, this creates a reliable and strong rear. True love does not demand, it tries to give, to give.

Not everyone can learn to love like that. But using the advice of psychologists you can achieve this.

Signs of falling in love

Falling in love is a very vivid feeling that has the following signs:

1. Falling in love is a feeling that is often called “love at first sight.” This type of romantic emotion is characterized by a strong emotional and physical attraction between one person and another.
2. Falling in love is born when you see another person and begin to admire his appearance, behavior, speech, and so on. Falling in love consists mainly of emotions; with its onset usually comes a feeling of euphoria, a rush of adrenaline. This strong emotional outburst is compared to the feeling of “butterflies in the stomach” and is not controlled by the person.
3. A person in love extols the object of his passion, ignoring his shortcomings and exaggerating his strengths. He is overcome by passion, he is fascinated by another person and considers him the limit of his dreams. There is also a desire to like, to become better and to do pleasant things. Falling in love does not necessarily imply the existence of a relationship: you can be unrequitedly in love.
4. Falling in love is based on passion and infatuation, so it often does not last long. Falling in love appears instantly and can just as quickly disappear if interest in a person disappears, or turn into true love. It takes effort from both partners to maintain the spark. People who move from one relationship to another, seeking to constantly feel in love, may lose sight of true love because it takes time to develop.
5. Falling in love is short-lived. There is a saying that love lasts 3 years. In fact, it is not love that lasts this long, but infatuation.
6. Falling in love often manifests itself depending on the partner. You constantly think about your lover, want to be with him as often as possible, abandon other things for his sake, and so on.

Famous psychologists about love

Many psychologists have studied and described this feeling in detail in their works. To better understand what love is, it is worth familiarizing yourself with some interesting thoughts of outstanding authors.

Robert Sternberg (American professor of psychology) identified three main components without which love cannot exist: passion, attraction and responsibility.

Arthur Petrovsky (Soviet and Russian psychologist) said that people in love should be passionate about each other, and sincere feelings are always clearly visible from the outside. He argued that love cannot exist in the presence of even the slightest mistrust. He also believed that for love to exist, actions are required, and feelings alone are not enough.

Erich Fromm (German sociologist and psychoanalyst of the mid-20th century) called love a mutually beneficial commercial alliance. He believed that lovers should give themselves completely to love, giving the maximum to their partner and receiving the maximum in return. And if such an approach to relationships is mutual, then the marriage will be successful, even when the initial passion evaporates. Otherwise, love can immediately be considered failed.

Harry Sullivan (an American psychologist of the early 20th century) believed that true love can only be spoken of when a lover exalts the interests of his loved one over his own.

John Gottman (American psychologist) suggested that one of the worst manifestations of love is the idealization of a partner. True love never clouds your eyes and does not prevent you from seeing the shortcomings of your loved one.

Henry Dix (British psychologist of the mid-20th century and founder of psychoanalytic marital therapy) argued that only indifference can completely and irrevocably kill love.

Esther Perel (a psychotherapist from Belgium and a regular participant in TED conferences) says that to maintain love, it is important to always maintain a sense of self-worth.

Please note that in the above examples, psychologists talk about love as an experience, but do not mention the physiological aspects of this feeling. Moreover, from a scientific point of view, love is a purely physiological process. Attachment to a person is formed and strengthened by the release of special chemicals in the brain that provide pleasure and other sensations.

Love at first sight - is it possible?

In the crowd of people they made eye contact. For a moment, everything around stopped, and my head flashed: “It’s her!”, “It’s him, the one!” They, not noticing anyone around, go to meet each other, and, having met face to face, their lips merge in a kiss. And a romantic melody about eternal love plays in the background.

A familiar scene from a melodrama or fairy tale. In fact, at first sight only strong sympathy is possible, which, subject to reciprocity, can eventually develop into love. The reason for this is the duration of the formation of that same love. It is similar to growing a tree from a seed; it grows and gets stronger for a long time and only with proper care.

In addition, the sympathy that arose from the second or third meeting can also develop into love.

Parents' love

How often do adults, in pursuit of their own ambitions and other people’s opinions, forget to ask their children what they need? In the modern world, parents are trying to provide for their children financially, give them a better education, enroll in more sections, clubs... And then time passes, the child grows up and suddenly shows dissatisfaction that he did not receive that same parental love. Lost points of contact with the child. He grew up and became, as it were, a stranger with his own interests...

The main differences between love and infatuation

People often find themselves confusing infatuation with love, mistaking temporary infatuation for true deep feelings, or missing out on true love in search of permanent passion. To avoid such self-deception, study the following basic differences between love and infatuation:

1. Duration of feelings. Love doesn't happen overnight, it's an ever-growing process. It is predictable and logical, since it arises between family and friends. Falling in love is random, a person never knows when he might fall in love. This feeling appears suddenly, like a flash, but over time it can disappear just as fleetingly. Falling in love does not necessarily last long as it is based on infatuation or passion. A crush can fade quickly, but love grows stronger over time.
2. Perception of disadvantages. Loving people know and accept the shortcomings of their other halves. They are ready to live with a person, accepting him with all his shortcomings. Falling in love blinds people, so they do not notice the shortcomings of the objects of their infatuation and consider them flawless. There is no illusion in love: you love the other person for who he really is.
3. Emotions . When falling in love, people experience a strong emotional outburst, and feelings of love are based on actions. Even though the emotions may be more intense, true love is much stronger than falling in love.
4. The power of feelings. Falling in love is relatively superficial, love is a very deep feeling. Loving relationships are characterized by trust, respect, and devotion, which may not be fully manifested or absent when falling in love.
5. Love is a calmer feeling than falling in love. Falling in love makes you want to spend all your time with a person. Loving means giving personal space to a person and trusting him.
6. Willingness to overcome difficulties. The bond between people in love may not be strong enough to withstand difficulties. The bond between loving people is so strong that it allows them to cope with life's problems and, no matter what, always stay together.
7. Relationship perspective. Falling in love occurs at the initial stage of a relationship, sooner or later it passes. Love is a long-term feeling that does not go away. True love stands the test of time.

Definition of love

“What is love?” - a question that was asked not only by psychologists, writers, but also by philosophers. Therefore, it is necessary to dwell on specific scientific positions that describe such a phenomenon.

From a scientific point of view

The meaning of love in science is considered from different positions. Love is often associated with biological and chemical processes that occur in the human body. We suggest considering this process:

1. The primary reaction of a person to another object (object of love) is associated with the presence in the body of testosterone (male hormone) and estrogen (female hormone), which are directly responsible for the reproduction of offspring;
2. The feeling itself is associated with the release of hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol (excitement, anxiety, fear), dopamine (responsible for the feeling of falling in love - “butterflies in the stomach”, euphoria, attraction, dreams in relation to the object of love), serotonin (influences the fact constant thoughts about a person);
3. Next, we look at the attachment stage, in which oxytocin and vasopressin play a critical role. It is well known that oxytocin is identified as a decisive substance that forms our constant fascination with a person. The presence of this hormone allows us to talk about tenderness, trepidation, and attention to a loved one.

Each hormone gives a signal to the human body

From a psychological point of view

Psychology is a subjective science due to the fact that for each individual a specific concept is associated with his own emotions and feelings. This does not allow us to identify a single term to answer the question “what is love?” If we bring the existing positions to a consensus, we can highlight the following criteria:

1. Respect for a person - accepting the interests, hobbies and views of a partner. Lack of desire to suppress a partner, that is, the exclusion of abusive relationships;
2. Showing empathy and understanding;
3. Caring for your partner;
4. Responsibility for relationships. This means that love presupposes the emergence of responsibility among partners not only in relation to each other, but also in relation to their union as a whole.

There is no common understanding of love in psychology

Love in philosophy

“What is love,” “What is love, what is this feeling” are constant questions of philosophy. Therefore, it is necessary to consider the most popular positions of philosophers on this issue.

Erich Fromm is a famous philosopher, one of whose most popular books is “The Art of Loving”

According to Fromm, love is the desire for interpersonal unity. In fact, in his works, Fromm says that love is an ideal state of interpersonal unity, when a person finds a mature answer to the question of his existence.

Sigmund Freud - founder of psychoanalysis

He considered love as the sexual attraction of one person to another. He equates all human emotions and feelings to accompanying factors, the main purpose of which is the desire for sexual intimacy with a specific object.

Friedrich Engels - one of the founders of the theory of Marxism

Among other views, Engels's position is strikingly different. In his opinion, love means mutual respect between persons, understanding, freedom and equality.

However, none of the approaches can describe the feelings that you and I experience for a specific person. For the most part, people view this phenomenon through the prism of their own experiences, fears, and desires, so the identified terms can be strikingly different from each other.

Concept in literature

In most existing books, the feeling in question is the central element of the narrative. And this is justified, since every person sooner or later asks the question “What is love?” Of course, each literary hero came to his own understanding of such a feeling. Let's look at the most interesting literary definitions:

1. Goncharov "Oblomov". In this novel, the answer to the question “what kind of feeling is love” is considered as a special moral test for the characters. It is assumed that the feeling itself causes a special kind of suffering in a person - sadness, anxiety, disappointment, etc.;
2. S. Yesenin. The work of this poet was considered defiant and frank for the period of his activity. However, if you read the poet’s lines, you can note that for him love is the highest feeling and the special goal of every person to experience it;
3. L. N. Tolstoy “War and Peace.” In this novel, the question “what is love” is examined through the development of the main character, Natasha Rostova. From feelings of love and attraction, she comes to peaceful unity and understanding with Pierre Bezukhov. This is represented in Tolstoy’s understanding as eternal and inexhaustible love.

In literature, the main issue at all times has been the theme of true love.

From a domestic point of view

Love is a special feeling. The word “love” is heard quite often in ordinary conversations within the family or alone with your partner. From an everyday point of view, love is affection, understanding, trust, attraction to a person.

How to define love and recognize falling in love

Of course, it happens that falling in love develops into love, but for this the person himself must become a little different in the relationship.

A person must “ripe” for love, sometimes this takes several years. At the beginning, in a relationship there may be love, a hormonal surge, a desire to love, everything comes spontaneously and each of us remembers this particular period.

But someday the “rose-colored glasses” fall off, and this is where the partner appears in all his glory. If you don’t push him away at this moment for an “unflattering act” or a mistake, then the relationship can develop into love.

But this doesn't always happen. This is where the period of falling in love ends. You stop idealizing your partner, and what appears before you does not suit you at all. It is here, at this stage, that separation occurs.

You can define love by how often partners hold hands, it warms them and makes them feel the value of a partner nearby; they usually say that “there is a feeling of a shoulder, a support.”

In love you need trust, recognition, respect, the desire to be close always and everywhere, you are passionate about your partner, you are interested in his affairs, work, you share his hobbies and support him in all his endeavors.

Sometimes you can confuse being in love with love. But there are nonverbal signs that can help you avoid making mistakes in this matter.

Nonverbal signs of love in men

• Touching the object of love
• Sometimes deliberate indifference
• Boundless trust
• Showing interest in the woman you love
• Wants the object of his love to be in his field of vision
• Offer to help in all matters
• Unexpected attention and gifts

Feel alive

“To be loved is to feel that you have the right to exist,” said philosopher and writer Jean-Paul Sartre. True love is finding the meaning of your existence in the world.

Love brings us back to childhood, when it gives us the feeling that everything in the world revolves around us. By choosing each other, we make each other special. In a relationship, we give the other person special significance. We recognize his importance: we respect his views and passions, we accept his ideals.

Another person brings us his world, and we give him ours. This allows you to experience new feelings and open new horizons. “Love helps you see all the colors of life,” sums up Monica Schneider. “True love makes you feel alive.”

Nonverbal signs of love in a woman

• Excessive care and guardianship
• Increased attention to your appearance
• “Eyes burn” at the sight of the object of love
• Confusion and shyness
• Mysterious behavior
• Increased attention to men's affairs
• All sorts of niceties and gifts
• Expression of sexuality

Love is a great feeling of attachment and attraction to a person, object or phenomenon. But love, as professional psychologists have established, can only be felt towards a person of the opposite sex.

Now you know how to define love and recognize falling in love. It is worth examining yourself and your feelings, perhaps this is just a passion that will quickly pass. Don't waste your time and energy on this. You need to look for true love, then you will feel peace and harmony in your soul! We wish you GOOD LUCK in this!

HOW TO Distinguish Real Love From Fake Love?

Seeing another person as a mystery

Love is a mysterious feeling. We feel it, but we don't understand it. The force that pulls a person towards is inexplicable. We pursue him not because we like the way he looks, because he is rich or powerful, or because he looks like a parent or significant other. If the union can be explained logically - “she replaced his mother” or “they are together because of money”, there can be no talk of true love. In her case, it is always the mystery that guides us.

“Love appeals to our unconscious: to some childhood experience, loss or longing for what we could not have. It affects that part of the personality that is unknown to us,” explains psychoanalyst Patrick Lamboulay. “That’s why it’s a mistake to think that in a relationship two “halves” should merge and give birth to something whole. It is in this idea that lies the reason why many married couples break up. When a person in a relationship feels understated, he may decide: this is not his soul mate. But this, of course, is not true. To truly love means to always remain intrigued by the mystery of another person.”

Afraid of losing

And all the time. And not only another person, but also yourself, dissolving in him. In The Discontents of Culture, Sigmund Freud explains this phenomenon: “We become dependent on another because we constantly need him to support us in our existence.” Hence the fear of loss.

“Love means taking risks,” explains philosopher and psychoanalyst Monica Schneider. “This feeling is so dizzying that sometimes we are even drawn to reject it in order to protect ourselves from the frightening power of another person over us.”

Freud emphasized that Eros and Thanatos are inseparable: I love you - I destroy you. Eros is our desire to connect with each other. Thanatos is the death drive that pushes us to break this connection so that our “I” remains omnipotent.

If we manage to overcome all doubts and fears and surrender to love, we find ourselves in wonderful new territory

“It’s hard to give up on yourself,” explains psychoanalyst Jean-Jacques Moskowitz. — Love always brings torment. It affects our very being - what we are in this world. Only a few realize this. When they find themselves alone, they enjoy it because they feel protected. But if we manage to overcome all doubts and fears and surrender to love, we find ourselves in a new wonderful territory where feelings are revealed with renewed vigor.”

True love is not a good business deal. A whirlpool of feelings is dangerous for both partners. That's why we often doubt something else. But even if he tries to pull away, this does not always mean that he does not love. Perhaps he is simply afraid of losing himself.

Be ready to take a step into the unknown

In love, nothing is predetermined. No one can guarantee that feelings will be permanent, and that life together will be long and happy. “Love relationships are a special world in which reason does not rule everything,” explains Monica Schneider. “But you shouldn’t set yourself up for the worst.”

Sometimes, due to past experiences of failed relationships, we convince ourselves in advance that we are doomed to suffer. To truly love, you must be able to believe in miracles again, accept the unknown and learn to be patient.”

Feel the desire

Here, at first glance, everything is simple: to love a person means to desire him. Research confirms that physical intimacy helps maintain relationships and does not allow the fire of love to go out. Without an exchange of affection, lovers turn into roommates. You can have sex without love, but when there is love, intimacy gives true pleasure.

If desire wanes, does that mean the relationship is over? Not at all! Our feelings are influenced by many factors, they are cyclical and constantly experience periods of ups and downs. You may not want intimacy right now because you are simply tired, have eaten too much or too little, are stressed, or, conversely, are pleasantly excited about some grandiose changes. “There are days when it’s enough for us to just have our loved one nearby,” explains Monica Schneider.

Should you be the first to confess your love?

“Hide in a hole” is the most popular option among many when an inexplicable state appears when a person realizes that he is in love. Not every man, boy, girl or successful lady is in a hurry to be the first to confess. The main reason that a person is afraid to express his feelings is the feeling of panic when he is not accepted or rejected. Fear in response to feelings to hear ridicule from the subject of adoration. The cause of these fears mainly goes back to deep childhood or tremulous adolescence. This is a period when an individual tends to show his feelings more openly, but at the same time it makes him vulnerable. The bitter experience of failure at this age is transferred into adult life, prompting the individual to control his desires and emotions more carefully.

An interesting psychological fact is that representatives of different sexes have categorically different meanings in love. Women put the meaning “I belong to my lover entirely.” While men mean “I am responsible for my beloved.” Often this results in a certain peculiarity when it is more difficult for a woman to admit to her chosen one: “I want you,” and for a man: “I love you.” Due to such psychological characteristics, girls tend to fantasize superpowers to their lover. That he should guess about the feelings manifested through the prism of hints and begin to act himself. Representatives of the male gender put a completely different concept into such feminine hints, for example, that the girl is simply flirting, showing friendly concern, or wants to show off her cooking skills. In response to this, the girl perceives the inaction of her chosen one as indifference and reluctance to make contact.

For most individuals, it is precisely the pronunciation of the phrase “I love you” that is difficult; for this purpose, experts recommend turning to simpler forms of phrases. Such alternative expressions are, for example, “I want to be with you,” “I like you,” “it’s nice to be around you.” At the start of the development of feelings, this is enough. To develop a relationship or communicate your feelings more effectively, you need to use both words and actions. However, requests for the importance of actions have always caused bewilderment among men, since there is a concept that a woman loves with her ears. But it’s another matter when beautiful words are supported by sincere actions that help representatives of the charming part of the population understand the seriousness of their partner’s intentions.

When declaring love, psychologists first advise setting yourself up for two types of developments. After all, the answer from the beloved may or may not be entirely positive. The chances of an individual who decides to have a revelation with his chosen one are fifty-fifty. Experts recommend that if you decide to confess, be aware of your options for failure. If a person hears a non-reciprocal response, it will be easier to retreat and the level of disappointment will be lower. Everyone is individual and everyone is looking for their half. Having found her among millions of people, it is unthinkable to lose your chance, otherwise the “second” suitable half will no longer be found.

Society today is breaking stereotypes. The strong half of the population - men, at the moment - have softened their character, and girls have gotten used to the fact that everything needs to be taken into their own fragile hands. Men just have to wait for everything to happen on their own. It is necessary to confess your love! It will be ridiculous or not as planned all your life. From the point of view of an individual’s psychological health, any emotional manifestation must have its completion, its denouement. You shouldn’t wait idly for a miracle to happen, you need to do it yourself.

Acceptance of character and habits

It is impossible to find an ideal person or someone who has identical qualities. All couples have both common features and different, even opposite ones. It can be difficult to get along with some of the characteristics of a new partner. But loving people treat this as adequately as possible.

“You have disadvantages, but they are acceptable to me” - this is the phrase of a truly in love person. Why is that? He:

1. clearly sees all the shortcomings and bad habits, and does not idealize the character, attributing non-existent qualities;
2. does not try to change, “train”, re-educate, “correct” the partner;
3. soberly evaluates negative traits, seriously considering whether he can continue to live normally with them.

If at least one of these three points is not realized, then other feelings are involved in such a couple - passion, love, dependence, worship, etc.

A woman's love for a man

When considering the characteristic features of the manifestation of a woman’s love for a man, we must not forget that there are frequent cases of mistaking a feeling of infatuation for love. This is where the parameters of a woman’s true love for a man will help. A woman's love manifests itself as follows:

1. Filled with inspiration and seems to fly like a butterfly. She doesn’t have rose-colored glasses, she sees everything and clearly understands. The mind is clear and consciousness perceives reality.
2. Ready to give and give. This behavior is typical only for love. A woman is ready to give a man all of herself, completely and without reserve. Dissolve in him, in his life and everyday life. Ready to give joy every day.
3. Never compares her man to anyone. He becomes the center of strength and courage. For her, everyone else is just ordinary people, but he is an object of resilience, confidence and protection.
4. The woman is worried and worried. In a relationship with a man, a loving woman tries to know and understand him more and more. Shows concern and worries in case of a bad feeling.
5. Complete trust. The woman gives the reins of power completely to the man. She trusts and does not allow thoughts of doubt. True love manifests itself in a trusting relationship on both sides.
6. The woman does not lose her head and looks at life soberly. She does not lose her self-esteem, even in moments of complete dedication to her beloved.

Ability to resolve conflicts

A relationship in which love arises is not a stage. There is no place for dramas, overblown tragedies, or acting skills. If such a couple has a problem, she prefers to solve everything peacefully. Peaceful means without throwing knives and plates, playing games of silence, visiting parents, throwing things over the balcony and screams that only the deaf cannot hear.

These partners will resolve conflicts through conversations, attempts to understand each other, and find a common mutually beneficial solution.

Another fact: the prerequisites for quarrels are inevitable. Two people, different in character, upbringing, views, trying to share housing, everyday life, will sometimes encounter differences and misunderstandings. This is fine. If there are no disagreements at all in a relationship, this means that people hush up their dissatisfaction or live not with the partner himself, but with invented fantasies about him.

Signs of love

According to psychologists, there are a number of signs that determine the feeling of love. Let's consider the most striking characteristic features that do not require deep emotional investigations:

1. No doubt. A feeling of confidence in the right choice, despite the conversations and advice of others.
2. Love just like that. When you love and cannot answer the question: “Why?” In the case of real feelings, it is impossible to determine for what parameters and properties you manifest and feel it.
3. Bilateral development. If one tries, the other doesn’t, then the question of the authenticity of feelings will arise.
4. Looking to one side. Love is not when two people look at each other, but when they look in the same direction. It's simple.
5. Silence is gold. The ability to simply remain silent with a person is not given to everyone. And only a loving heart is capable of understanding, accepting another and being silent in silence, without unnecessary words and emotions.
6. Love as proof. It has its own meaning for everyone. But in any situation, in any problem, a person has a choice - to stay with his companion or to leave. All of us make this choice. And sometimes daily.

Duration of relationship

Love is clearly not a feeling that arises in a couple of days. To say “I love” with confidence, you will first have to thoroughly study the person next to you. See how angry he gets, sad, what he does when he’s bored, who he calls first to share his joy. Right down to what dreams he has and what brand of toothbrush he prefers.

Only when many joyful and not so joyful situations have been experienced together, the strengths and weaknesses of the individual have been identified, can one think seriously about the cherished three-word phrase. Everything else up to this point is part of the imagination, which will evaporate as soon as life presents a serious test.

Stages of love (relationships)

Love

Falling in love is the most exciting stage of love, and many will agree with this.

When a man and a woman find each other attractive, a spark of attraction flashes between them, causing them to drown in the ocean of romance and passion.

At this stage, you simply cannot stop thinking about the girl or guy, they are constantly on your mind. It is now that the meaning of the old saying “love is blind” is most clearly manifested.

This "charm" stage brings a lot of romantic emotions, laughter, flirting and playfulness, and all the negative traits of the partners are ignored. Much emphasis is placed on the similarities you both share.

People at this stage seem to “fly” when they are together, and cannot wait to be close to each other if they are separated. Butterflies fly in the stomach, and trembling hearts seem to freeze.

At such moments, most people are sure that they have found their soulmate, but the underlying reason for all these uncontrollable emotions is physiology.

“Love hormones” make you feel euphoric, induce a cheerful mood filled with happiness, and increase your overall energy level. It seems that you are a different person, your sexuality is at its peak, you feel like you can handle anything, you are simply fearless.

In this state, you are able to get married before moving on to the next stage of love, ignoring the underlying flaws in your partner.

Sure, the romantic feeling in question seems wonderful while it lasts, but it can't last forever, even if you really want it to.

By combining with feelings of intimacy and affection, infatuation transforms into romantic love.

Saturation (addiction)

After several months of living together, when the “chemistry of love” ceases its active phase of influence, couples return to their usual selves with their usual mood and level of attraction.

Things return to normal and instead of focusing on each other, the couple becomes more active professionally and in other daily activities.

Young people who are unaware of this stage of love may think that the feelings have passed. Sometimes they may get upset due to lack of attention from their lover.

Minor disagreements and even quarrels are a normal part of this stage. It's worth recognizing that healthy confrontation is natural because it helps both of you understand the situation better.

As you learn to resolve problems and conflicts that arise, your relationship will become more mature.

At this stage of love, you may wonder why your sex life has become a little stale, or why you sometimes find your partner irritated.

You begin to evaluate your other half more objectively, and the conclusions that come to mind can cause delight or apathy.

What you need to do is move on. The best is yet to come, even if you feel like the relationship has faded.

Disgust (quarrels)

You may have a lot of expectations from your loved one. You can even try to bring your partner closer to your ideal image.

This stage of love resembles a power struggle, and sometimes relationships end if one party dominates the other too much.

Instead of focusing on the similarities, as you so cleverly did when you were in love, you now focus on your partner's differences and shortcomings.

Some couples break up at this stage. Others, experiencing pain and dissatisfaction in relationships, come to the realization that true love is associated with compromise, and instead of withering away in the conflicts that arise, one can find a way out through understanding, warmth and kindness.

Humility (understanding)

Reaching this stage of love means that you now understand your partner much better.

At this stage, couples are in a joyful state, but do not stop making efforts to work on their relationship.

Now both partners accept each other for who they really are, but they should not rest on their laurels. Avoid misunderstandings and continue to get to know each other better.

The stages of love can often bring turmoil into relationships, but if you are aware of their existence, moving from one stage to another will not be such a difficult task for you.

To move to the next stage, accept each other's strengths and weaknesses. You need to focus on the positive, not focus on the negative, and learn about the goals and interests of each of you.

Studying

Once a couple goes through the aforementioned stages of love, all unrealistic expectations tend to disappear.

Each party begins to open up more and more to each other, and there is a clearer understanding of how they can work together effectively in the relationship.

Couples begin to define and clarify their roles in the relationship, as well as their compatibility with each other.

There is a need to resolve certain issues, such as how much time a guy and a girl like to spend together and how long to stay alone, how each party is used to expressing and receiving love, etc.

Once couples can effectively communicate their needs to each other, they will be able to avoid many unpleasant things, such as aggressive behavior, avoidance, criticism, or defensiveness.

Focus instead on understanding, compassion, forgiveness and patience.

Proximity

Next comes the stage of love, when couples become even more immersed in trust, affection and unity with each other.

This is the stage when they experience true intimacy. They support each other even better by giving and receiving love in return.

Ups and downs are an integral part of any relationship. However, the trust and loyalty of both partners will be able to carry them through these troubles without significant obstacles.

At this stage of love, each of you will stop focusing on your own personality and shift your attention to what is best for the relationship.

Now you feel unity, individuality, and love for each other. At the same time, the spirit of unity still prevails, further strengthening your relationship.

At this stage, you feel like an ideal couple. Many lovers may even decide to tie their fate with family ties, since they have come so far.

Doubts

Usually this stage occurs after many years of marriage. You may start thinking about your ex-lovers and past relationships, or start comparing your current partner to your previous ones.

At this stage, much depends on the level of satisfaction with the existing relationship. If you feel dissatisfied and hurt, you tend to blame your partner for it.

You may even start comparing your relationship to other couples in your circle.

But you shouldn’t add fuel to the fire, because you are able to get through this not the most fun stage.

Sexuality

At this stage of love, your intimate life plays a key role. Changes in love preferences are possible when one of you becomes less interested in realizing wild fantasies, or, conversely, wants to do something incredible.

If there is a significant difference in your passions, one of the partners may have an affair.

The key to solving the main problem at this stage is to find creative ways to make your sex life more varied and exciting, thereby strengthening your relationship.

Love

This is the highest stage of a relationship when both partners completely love and trust each other. However, sometimes the complete trust you have developed can cause you to take each other for granted, so be careful.

At this stage of love, you know each other very well, you know what to expect from each other, and you also clearly understand the direction of the relationship.

Even though there is complete bliss and understanding at this stage, do not stop appreciating and respecting your partner because love should be constantly cultivated and developed.

Remember that love is like a plant that needs nourishment to keep it alive.

Stability of feelings

How do quarrels with parents most often occur?

“I was offended, I feel bad, but I still love my mom and dad. If they suddenly get into trouble, I will come to the rescue, despite all the disagreements.”

How do quarrels happen between lovers who have recently found each other?

“Should we break up? What if this is not my person? Do I even need it? If he starts asking for help now, I’ll proudly turn around and leave. Let him get out on his own!”

Can you feel the difference? Love is a stable phenomenon. It doesn't go away, it doesn't diminish because of a few disagreements or problems. What disappears after the first difficulties is just a temporary hormonal surge, and not deep intimacy.

Love and passion. Differences

To determine for yourself the difference between love and passion, answer yourself 5 questions.

Does your relationship make you a better person?

Only love can make you feel like you are capable of anything, and for an extended period of time.

The motivation of this amazing feeling contributes to the mutual growth of partners. And if you look back and conclude that you have succeeded and become a better version of yourself since your first date, this is a clear sign of love.

Passion carries within itself an opposite, destructive force. It stops your personal development through restrictions on your freedom and implicit prohibitions on self-realization.

Passion worsens the quality of life of both partners, but love gives freedom, motivates, and makes lovers better.

Where is your “I”?

Is your Ego at the core of your relationship, or is your loved one at its center?

Do you prefer to give or receive?

Do you keep track of how much you did for your partner and how much he did for you?

If you're willing to do whatever it takes for your girlfriend or boyfriend without considering your own gain, from sending loving messages, giving gifts, to sacrificing your beliefs and principles, then it's most likely love.

When you're in love, the other person's happiness is more important to you than your own well-being.

Passion is self-centered, but love is completely selfless.

What attracts you to your partner?

Passion for another person works primarily on a physical level, causing you to admire the object of your desire's appearance, body, voice, gait, or clothing style.

Love, first of all, is aimed at the partner’s personality, his inner world, way of thinking, life values ​​and other internal qualities.

Physical attractiveness is, of course, also important, but to a much lesser extent.

Thus, passion is based on external attraction, love - on internal personal values.

Are you being yourself in a relationship?

If each of you can answer "Yes", you are definitely meant for each other.

If you are able to be yourself, telling your loved one about the most personal things, doing what you like, and not trying to control your behavior, you can be sure that this is love.

Honesty, complete trust, understanding, intimacy, mutual sympathy and romantic feelings create a stable platform for a long-term union.

When you don't have to wear masks to cover your true colors; when you are not afraid of being misunderstood, rejected, ridiculed, judged for who you are; when you always try to understand your partner's actions without judging - all these are the building blocks of true love, not lust.

Passion dictates the rules, but love frees you from inner servitude, it does not judge, it comes to you for who you are.

Are you ready to grow together?

Love cannot stumble or break. She is able to withstand all types of life obstacles that arise on a joint path, finding a way out of any current circumstances.

If you feel that you can be with this person forever, regardless of whether you receive the same amount of care and warmth as you give, that is love.

Passion is temporary and fleeting, so sooner or later a relationship based on it will end.

Passion flares up and goes out, ceasing to exist. Love is stable, deep and constant.

Love is timeless.

Development

Relationships between loving partners do not stand still. They are looking for new and better ways to cope with life's challenges, spend time together, and express feelings in different ways.

Moreover, love experiences do not overshadow other areas of life.

Are you familiar with the situation when a person’s thoughts are so occupied that it makes it impossible to work? Or communicate with friends for a long time without mentioning your object of adoration with or without reason? Or devote time to your own hobbies, not imagining how great it would be to do the same thing, but together?

This is love. It clouds your mind, distracts you from your work, and creates the impression that everything else doesn’t matter. And this is a mistake. Because all areas are equally significant. And it is true love that understands and accepts this fact.

How are the concepts of fidelity and love related?

Based on the material presented above, it follows that love is a mutual, noble feeling, based on mutual understanding, mutual development, and mutual support. Does such a sublime feeling exist without fidelity?

A human quality that promotes the manifestation of perseverance in relation to a certain event or subject, based on personal choice and attitudes, is usually called loyalty. For a morally mature individual, love is a conscious choice. Only when both subjects create a common concept of existence, make a choice towards creating a common good, developing family values, and how they plan to live, a true feeling of love is formed. Accordingly, this is a conscious choice leading to maintaining fidelity.

Cheating is an action that implies not only an individual’s mistake, but mainly his immaturity and short-sightedness in creating relationships. But it happens that loyalty is maintained in a relationship not only because of feelings. This happens when one partner is comfortable living in such an environment. In a meaningful and healthy relationship, the presence of love involves a feeling of loyalty. Infidelity in a relationship where both partners do not value each other and do not want to develop together is regarded as betrayal.

Responsibility

If a loving man decides to stay with friends after work, he will definitely inform his wife about this. Not because of the “heel”. But because he understands: his wife will worry about his long absence. Or perhaps she will wait a long time, not going to bed or having dinner without him.

If a girl wants to buy herself another dress, realizing that the budget is limited and her boyfriend urgently needs a new shirt, she will hold off on buying her item. Because he knows: she still has several dresses, but his old clothes are no longer good for anything and clearly require updating.

To love means to accept responsibility for the feelings and well-being of your partner.

The actions of a loving person do not contradict the main principles of her couple. She respects the opinion of her loved one and always takes him into account. “Will I hurt you?”, “Will this be good for us?”, even “How will this affect his/her image?” — phrases that indicate love.

Child's love

The love of a child is considered the purest and most sincere. He loves not for something, but simply because he loves. Children's love for parents manifests itself in different ways, but always has a selfless basis. Until the age of three, a child learns to show love. Unconsciously copying his parents, he tries to show his feelings the way they do.

A child's love is shown in those moments when he hugs and kisses his parents. This behavior is typical for children under three years of age. Next, they form an idea of ​​love against the backdrop of their parents’ relationships. The girl tries to be like her mother, and the boy copies the behavior of his father.

A child's love for his parents never wanes. Even, for example, children who were taken from their parents run away from shelters in order to dissuade them and encourage them to seek treatment. This kind of incorruptibility is fascinating. After all, as the child grows up, he realizes the essence of the situation and, perhaps, will show condemnation. But in the child’s soul, a not guilty verdict is always ready.

Of course, it is believed that mother's love is the strongest. But in comparison with children's feelings, even she is imperfect. The love of a child is free and pure. In any manifestation, she is filled with tenderness and kindness.

Falling in love or mental disorder?

Anyone who has experienced falling in love or suffered from unrequited feelings has probably more than once caught himself thinking about mental illness or the development of manic dependence on an object. This is partly true! No matter how strange and frightening it may sound, psychotherapists, studying chemical reactions in lovers, compared the indicators with patients who are being treated in a mental hospital.

Judging by the signs of a man in love, love resembles drug addiction and neurotic disorders. How not to be upset by unrequited love or not sleep at night if the object of passion does not pay attention and spends time with others? No matter how frightening the doctors’ conclusions may sound, everyone wants to experience all the signs of falling in love at absolutely any age and immerse themselves in the world of sweet dreams and daydreams.

Self-sacrifice

To the question “How does maternal love manifest itself?”, we can answer that for the most part it manifests itself in self-sacrifice. Only a mother is able to fully understand, forgive and support her children, despite life circumstances. She is ready to give her last to help her child, she is ready to give her life for him. Such boundless love is not uncommon; for a mother, first of all, the life and well-being of her children is important. She invests all her strength to educate and raise worthy citizens of her Fatherland, worthy of her children. Child and mother are interconnected:

• family ties;
• heart;
• soul.

For a child, the mother personifies all the kindness and affection of the world, and the mother is attached to the child and feels him at a distance. Separation is difficult for her, and a long absence of news about the child dooms the mother to suffering and melancholy.

There is another kind of maternal love, excessive and unacceptable. Due to excessive care and guardianship, a child can grow up spoiled, lazy and not independent. But, first of all, education should be aimed at adapting a person to society.