Unconditional love is so different from the love we are used to receiving that most of us don't really know what it is.
Nowadays, “love” refers to various forms of infatuation, passion, intimacy, attachment, codependency and selfish needs and this is not about true love.
True love is a rare and incredibly valuable feeling. The moment you experience true unconditional love is the moment you feel fully seen, understood, forgiven, accepted and able to love yourself just as you are. It is the most all-encompassing and liberating feeling you have ever experienced.
Unconditional love is the most healing force in the universe. But unfortunately, we become so hungry in our daily lives that we become emotionally and spiritually unhealthy. One of the saddest looks you will ever see is from a being who has been deprived of unconditional love.
“Love is long-suffering, it is kind, love does not envy, love is not arrogant, is not proud, does not act rudely, does not seek its own, is not irritated, does not think evil, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; covers everything, believes everything, hopes everything, endures everything. Love never fails, although prophecy will cease, and tongues will be silent, and knowledge will be abolished.” Bible 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Unconditional love means loving someone or something without any conditions. In other words, no matter what the other person says, does, feels, thinks or believes, we still love them unconditionally. Unconditional love can also be applied to other beings such as animals. But perhaps most importantly, unconditional love can be applied directly to ourselves.
The more we are able to love ourselves unconditionally, the more we will be able to love others in the same way. This principle echoes the famous words of Jesus, “Love your neighbor as yourself,” and other enlightened masters such as Lao Tzu, who said, “When you accept yourself, the whole world accepts you.”
“If we generalize everything that is called love in the world, then we get a certain intense feeling mixed with physical attractiveness, the desire to possess and control, as well as with dependence, eroticism and novelty. Such “love” is usually short-lived and changeable, and depending on the circumstances it either grows or decreases. When plans are upset, then in place of this emotion often appears anger, which was previously hidden under the guise of love. It is widely believed that from love to hate there is only one step, but what is being said here is not Love at all, but rather a sentimental feeling of dependence.” Dr. David R. Hawkins
Conditional love is the exact opposite of unconditional love. In fact, conditional love is not “love” in the truest sense of the word because it comes from the ego and not from the heart.
Unlike unconditional love, which is given freely, conditional love must be “earned.” When this false form of love is earned, only then is love, respect and kindness given.
While unconditional love is limitless and vast, conditional love is constraining and limited. While unconditional love does not need anything, conditional love is given only when something is received.
What is unconditional love
Unconditional love is complete acceptance of another person. It cannot be affected by any situations, good or bad, long periods of separation or other circumstances under which an ordinary relationship could end. When people know how to love unconditionally, they do not ask anything in return from their loved one, accept all their shortcomings, and see only their good traits. Such special feelings exist despite everything that can interfere with them: conflicts, life problems, wrong actions, difficult moments. For someone who loves unconditionally, even during a quarrel or after it, the thought that it is possible to separate does not occur to them. Because he absolutely accepted the other half and knows that he loves, no matter what.
You cannot become the object of such love by choice. No actions, words or good attitude can make you fall in love unconditionally. Even if we start doing everything that suits our loved one, indulging his whims, behaving the way he wants, this will not provide special feelings. Precisely because in this case he will love us for our good deeds, attitude, and behavior that are closer to him. And love without conditions is feelings without a reason, not for something, but just like that, not paying attention to what we like or not.
The one who loves unconditionally comes to this on his own, despite the fact that his partner is imperfect. Therefore, it is not worth trying to achieve such a feeling on the part of another. In any relationship, you need to be able to listen to the other half and give in, but remain yourself.
Many would like not only to become the object of unconditional love, but also to experience this feeling. There are often doubts about a lover. When everything is good, we think that we really love the person. When we notice some things that we don’t like, especially during quarrels, doubts arise. Therefore, it seems easier to love unconditionally. I would like not to find fault with habits, not to compare, not to quarrel over little things. Indeed, it’s easier for both of them in a couple if you don’t pay attention to each other’s shortcomings. But before you achieve harmony, you will have to find out what can provoke quarrels and solve the problems. If a compromise cannot be reached, you need to accept the weaknesses of your other half. After this, a feeling may appear that will develop into unconditional love.
Egoists are around us i
Supporters of the idea of unconditional love believe that only complete egoists and manipulators make demands on another person. Unconditional love is considered a certain standard, a symbol of progress. Are you dating an alcoholic guy who alternates his date with you with a week-long binge? Does your girl wear a thin strap instead of a skirt that attracts the eyes of every man? It’s nonsense, if you don’t accept your partner with all his desires and character traits, it means you don’t have the ability for unconditional love. This is exactly what any proponent of this concept will say.
Unconditional love - the love of parents for a child
It is not difficult to explain the reason for unconditional feelings for children. A child is a defenseless creature who needs our help to get comfortable in life. Parents are people who must teach him a lot, give him everything they have, including affection and care. We cannot demand anything from a little person, like husband and wife from each other.
Children's behavior is a reflection of their parents' behavior. If a child behaves incorrectly, we cannot be angry with him, because we understand that we ourselves made the mistake. When the baby is very small, he sees only mom and dad and communicates only with them. A parent's love for a child is important because children need to know that they are accepted, valued, and protected. This way they will feel more confident with their parents, and as adults with other people.
Unfortunately, not all parents can unconditionally love their child. This usually happens when the mother or father does not fully understand that the child is still an unformed personality and needs help in various matters. Sometimes the reason is the desire to raise the best child, to realize in him one’s ambitions, something that a parent once failed to do. Then he does not educate, does not teach something, but only demands.
There are situations when parents unconditionally love the child and indulge him in everything, allow everything, do not explain what he is doing wrong, for fear of offending him. In this case, the child may grow up to be selfish. He will get used to the fact that his parents forgave him all his misdeeds, loved him just like that, and will demand the same from others. This does not mean that unconditional parental love is harmful. You just need to be able to combine the expression of love and moments of education.
The view of psychologists 5
The founder of the concept of unconditional love in psychological science was Carl Rogers. He put forward the idea of unconditional acceptance of the client.
This was one of the main techniques used by Rogers in psychotherapy. He showed his clients full support and acceptance, no matter what they said or did. Rogers believed that all psychologists should treat their clients this way.
Signs of unconditional love between a man and a woman
Couples who have either just started dating or have been living together for a very long time can understand what unconditional love is. At the beginning of a relationship, we are captured by feelings, we focus only on them, so we do not see the shortcomings of the other half. And if we see, we forgive and immediately forget. We highlight only positive qualities, because we want to see our partner as the most ideal in the Universe.
After a while, feelings cool down a little, and we pay attention to what we don’t like. Habits and behavior of a person that do not suit the lover become the cause of quarrels. At this stage of relationships, many girls and guys begin to compare each other with friends, colleagues, and relatives. It may seem that there are many people who are much better than the current half. Since there are still feelings, a person tries to correct everything that he does not like about his beloved. Something can really be changed, but most often habits and character remain the same. A person stops seeing the ideal in a partner and understands that everything that does not suit him will continue. This is the turning point when couples most often break up.
If a person does not want to part with his other half, the most difficult period for him in a relationship begins - acceptance. Only wise men and women who love each other deeply reach it. Approving the character traits, habits, characteristics of another is the most difficult thing. It seems that it is easier to find a new companion, an ideal one. But when we really understand that we love, we are ready to accept everything. After this we feel a true, unconditional feeling of love. No difficulties that you have to endure can interfere with love. On the contrary, by overcoming more obstacles together, people become even closer.
Emerging feelings and love in a long-term relationship are different. Young love is "blind". When we first start dating, we simply idealize the person. This is wrong because in reality he is different. But love that has passed the test is considered real. Then we can really say that we love a person, no matter what, knowing all his shortcomings. We do not compare our partner with someone else, we do not try to correct habits and character, we love him just like that, for no reason. All these signs point to unconditional love.
To bring your feelings closer to unconditional love, you can take several steps:
- Remember the best moments spent together, the beginning of your relationship.
- Think about what you don't like about the relationship.
- Imagine your loved one is ideal for you - he got rid of stupid habits, stopped doing what you don’t like.
- After this, you will have to return to reality - imagine your beloved again, now as he is. Consider whether the things you fight about really matter. Perhaps you find fault with some of them, then these problems are not so important. What if the others are really bothering you? Now the hardest part is that you need to accept them. Not necessarily at one moment, it is very difficult to approve of a partner’s shortcomings. But if it works, you can feel unconditional love.
You need to learn to understand your loved one. To do this, sometimes imagine yourself in his place. This will help you evaluate controversial situations more objectively. Even if your partner makes mistakes, you should try to forgive, because you love him. After accepting your lover for who he is, you will feel freer, you will have a desire to give more love and receive the same in return.
A sexually mature person or an infant in the guise of an adult8
Usually at this point, fans of all-consuming acceptance experience a stupor. Angelic patience, endless devotion and admiration for the supposedly “ideal” qualities of a partner - isn’t this the ideal that each of us should strive for? It turns out not. If your partner is an adult and able-bodied person who also has sex with you, then it is stupid to treat him like an unintelligent child.
The spirit of a mature personality must reside in an adult body. And if this is not the case, then it’s worth thinking: should I continue to build a relationship with a big guy? Maybe this person needs a second mommy (another daddy)?
Difference from “conditional” love
Some people consider conditional love to be unreal and insincere. But that's not true. Both species are real, but there are several significant differences between them.
- Unconditional love - acceptance of all qualities of a person
Conditional love is the opposite of unconditional love. Some don’t even consider it love, because it does not come from the soul, but is born in the head. It is limited by boundaries and rules. Conditions, which are character traits, behavior and other things for which you can fall in love.
The object of conditional love has the desired set of qualities: smart, brave, beautiful. They are different for everyone. These are the ones we call when we are asked who we want to see next to us. Few people want their chosen one to be cowardly, sloppy, or have strange habits. Love can accept all this without conditions. Only the ideal is suitable for the conditional.
When we think that we don’t like the behavior of our loved one, his life position, principles and other important things, we come to the conclusion that he is not suitable for us. But, in addition to objective conclusions, there are feelings that do not allow us to leave our loved one. Then we accept him completely as he is.
Conditional love is characteristic of rational people who are accustomed to trusting facts rather than feelings. Unconditional - romantic, emotional, who can close their eyes to shortcomings and give in to the impulse of feelings, without thinking about the consequences. Rationalists are also able to experience it. Only for this they need time to make an informed decision.
- Unconditional love is not a matter of comfort or sacrifice.
If the other half dictates the terms, something has to be sacrificed to ensure the comfort of the beloved. Often a man and a woman limit each other, setting boundaries in which it would be convenient for everyone to live. This is conditional love. Unconditional provides complete freedom of action and trust in the other half. A person who fully accepts a partner is comfortable with him in any circumstances.
A man or woman who is loved unconditionally does not need to give up his principles and habits. There are no conditions set before them, for example, “I won’t love you if you keep doing this”, “if you want to stay with me, you will have to stop doing this.” Unconditional love can accept and forgive everything.
- Lack of control
For a person who loves conditionally, it is important that the partner remains “correct” and does not forget what he needs to do and what he cannot do. To ensure that all conditions are met, people control the other half. Some may constantly observe behavior, sometimes even following or calling. One control method is to specifically ask questions to find out whether the other half remembers their responsibilities.
Unconditional love does not require control. A man and a woman respect and trust each other, so they don’t follow. Even if someone does something that half of them does not understand or does not support, nothing bad will happen. After all, people love you not for your actions, but for nothing, despite your mistakes. This does not mean that no one cares who is doing what. They just can accept any behavior of their partner.
The Harm of Unlimited Acceptance2
On the one hand, such an attitude can be very useful - for example, when it comes to the connection between mother and child. But in the romantic realm, unconditional love leads to unhealthy situations. A sexually mature man or adult woman is not a baby who is unable to change himself for the sake of building quality relationships in society.
And unconditional love becomes especially dangerous in a partnership built on the principles of BDSM. In such a couple, everything rests on the exchange of power, delineation of clear boundaries, and devotion to their Master (Mistress).
Partner Acceptance
What about the things you don't like about your partner? Are you ready to live with these things, even if they bother you? In order for a relationship to develop successfully, this is necessary. But remember the main thing is that we cannot change a person so that he becomes what we want him to be. He must be willing to make changes on his own. And mostly for my own sake, not for yours.
For example, your partner goes out with friends every Saturday night to relax and does not invite you. You don't like it. You ask to change this somehow, but he insists on spending the evening only with friends. Are you ready to accept this? Or will you make a problem out of it? Yes, we should be able to “make sacrifices” for the people we love, but we should also be able to fully accept them for who they are.
Perhaps this is really important to him, or maybe this evening away from you is the reason your relationship remains strong
How to learn to love unconditionally? Is it possible to learn to love?
I did not choose this topic for the master class myself; I was asked to work on this topic by a participant from my school.
First. Many people are interested in the topic of Unconditional Love.
Second. Most have complaints against their parents for not giving this very unconditional love. That’s what they are like, they didn’t love me unconditionally, that’s why I’m like this now... codependent.
Yes, of course, the roots of our traumas are in our families. But ask your parents, or even better, not your parents, but the parents of your friends: “Do they love their children?” I'll be very surprised if they say NO.
Every parent loves their child the best they can.
The desire to remake your parents, to change your past - this is precisely a clear manifestation of codependency, and sometimes addiction.
How easy it is to say: “I became an alcoholic because my father is an alcoholic.”
“I don’t know how to love because I wasn’t loved as a child.” “I can’t give my children love because my parents didn’t teach me what love is.”
You can add to this list yourself without me. All this is called rationalization. We talked about this at the master class on honesty. Rationalization as a manifestation of dishonesty and as a consequence of irresponsibility.
Yes, an interesting picture emerges. Everything goes one after another.
Remember my video about Gratitude. I told you about Ladoga.
Without gratitude there can be no love.
Love is an ocean where a thousand rivers and streams flow, such as honesty, responsibility, gratitude... We can say this: all the topics that we discuss at our Confident Behavior Workshop are all about Love. These are the streams themselves that, when filled, become rivers, and carry their waters further, giving life to others and becoming more and more full-flowing.
I'll tell you one secret. I, like you, have been tormented by questions of love, and especially unconditional love. I wanted so much to be loved with unconditional love. But it was all in vain. You can't change your parents. With men there is only conditional love. Believe me, I thought the same as many of you, that they didn’t give me enough, didn’t love me, and so on…. This state of discontent prevented me from living and accepting love.
Hands dropped. But whoever seeks will always find. And at one meeting with my teacher, mentor Bogdan Voronovich, I heard an amazing phrase: “Love is work.” Yes, yes, that’s exactly it. This is daily work. I am still on this journey of learning to love, and the more I realize the love in my heart, the more I see how my parents loved me. I was surrounded by the love of my loved ones. How amazing this is. The world has turned upside down: from hostile it has become loving.
How to learn unconditional love. A lesson in unconditional love in family relationships
Every woman has enormous mystical energy. She is energetically and mentally 9 times stronger than a man. When a woman looks at a man with admiring eyes and at that time thinks about his virtues and strong qualities, then they magically begin to manifest themselves in him. And vice versa, if a woman thinks and tells a man about his shortcomings, then they intensify and can lead him to degradation.
What is chastity? It is a culture of fidelity based on deep affection for a man. He is a hero for her, the best man and no one else exists for her. For a woman, family and relationships with men come first. How does pride and selfishness manifest itself? When pride and selfishness are present in a relationship, one of the partners wants to break the other and adjust it to suit themselves. Make him do what he thinks is right. Receiving resistance in response, the relationship enters into conflict, resentment and mutual claims. When pride is absent, the partners treat each other with respect and attentiveness. This doesn't mean they don't have flaws. In a relationship where there is no selfishness, both the man and the woman have a sincere desire to get to know their partner and his needs. A woman raises a man Yes, that's true. You will be surprised, but first of all she must raise him as a mother. Now I will explain what I mean. Remember how a mother raises her child. She accepts him for who he is and showers him with unconditional love. When a little boy learns to hold a spoon that keeps falling over, she tells him: “Try again, I believe in you!” You can eat this porridge today.” With supportive words, she gives her son confidence in his own abilities and inspires him.
In relation to a man, a woman should exhibit maternal behavior at the beginning of a relationship. For her, he is like a little son who doesn’t understand anything, doesn’t understand, doesn’t believe in himself, doesn’t work, doesn’t bring in money, is irresponsible, doesn’t care about her.
In general, the child is 3 years old and it doesn’t matter how old he really is: 30 or 60. And he has a hysterical character, as soon as he makes a scandal and leaves home. A woman must understand that nothing will be achieved by rivalry, arguments or claims
You need to become calm, like a mother is calm with her child when he is capricious. She doesn’t scold him, but understands that this behavior is temporary and will soon pass. In the same way, a woman should become a mother for a man, but not the one, I repeat, who washes his diapers and protects him from troubles. No, that's not what we're talking about now. We are talking about another mother who inspires and believes, supports and gives unconditional love. Inspiration and support work wonders Dear women, I want to share one story with you. “It was in Soviet times in a Siberian town. One scientist tried unsuccessfully to defend his dissertation several times. He made a discovery and wanted to be recognized. At that time there was a Soviet system built on connections and acquaintances. Despite the fact that he passed several dissertation councils, he was still not allowed to defend himself. He had one last hope left to try to defend himself in Moscow. This was a very weak hope, since all the regions were connected to the center. He said that before leaving the house, his wife looked at him and said: “I don’t care whether you defend yourself or not, I just love you. I want you to know this.” When he walked out onto the landing and the door closed behind him, it was as if wings had grown behind him from her words. He felt a huge surge of strength, energy and a miracle happened. In Moscow he defended himself. Her words gave him such confidence that he was able to overcome all obstacles!” Dear women, men need your support and faith. The male ego is very vulnerable, it wants great achievements and this is how it measures its success in life. If he achieved something, then he became successful as a person. When a man has no support from a woman, but has reproaches, he develops a feeling of guilt and may lose the meaning of life. It is very important for a man to have an inner feeling that you love him and accept him for who he is. Do you understand? This is what is called unconditional love that a woman gives to a man. This is the lesson she goes through with him in family life. The article material was prepared on the basis of a transcribed version of the video recording of “A Creative Evening with Oleg Gadetsky”, St. Petersburg.
