One day I participated in a curious exercise. On a warm summer day, we settled on the site of one of the hotels in Kerch. Each of us received a coil of rope to mark our territory on the ground and define boundaries. People chose areas in the shade and near a bench, closer to some and further from others. They identified the features of their spaces, chose their unique advantages and neighbors according to their values.
In the process, we could cooperate, visit each other, unite and even conquer other people's territories. This simple game brought out something animalistic in us: we acted irrationally, laughed and cursed. But it was damn interesting for us!
How are things going with your psychological boundaries? Would you easily allow someone to cross them or would you stand up for them? Do you want alliances or conquests? Problems (that is, tasks that have no visible solutions) are more likely to arise among those who do not know how to define and protect their boundaries. Or those who encroach on other people's property when it is not necessary.
Do you think conflicts are good or bad? Are you a conflict person or do you diligently avoid clashes? By nature, a person is bored of standing on his own territory: we have an inherent desire for the new and prohibited. This makes life more interesting! So conflict, like any other phenomenon, is neither bad nor good. I wrote about this in a post about emotional intelligence.
Is it right to avoid conflicts?
“We’ve been together for a year and have never quarreled!” Is it true? And what about the boundaries between you? The essence of the conflict is in interest, in what we share. For example, we will watch a family comedy, as he wants. Or again a horror movie to please her. We are all different; we have dynamic needs, interests, and irritations. If there were no clashes, it means that someone is simply swallowing grievances and avoiding clashes. And the second one thinks that there are no conflicts.
In fact they are. In an internal monologue or “bucket of grievances” already dangerously filled. In the entertaining film “Anger Management,” people are divided into two types:
- visitors who yell at cashiers and calmly go home;
- and cashiers who endure, and one fine day start a shooting in the store.
This is not a joke, this is exactly the case with bullying in schools.
Perhaps, it is harmful not to be able to protect your borders: to fight back or distract the aggressor with something more interesting. There is more than one way. How you cope develops you and your relationships with people. Therefore, the conflict can be compared to a boiling kettle: you need boiling water, but it is dangerous not to remove it from the stove in time. Too hot or protracted conflicts are harmful.
Types of conflict situations
Most often in psychology the following types of conflict situations appear:
- intrapersonal,
- intergroup,
- interpersonal.
In the first group, psychologist F. Lutens identifies conflicts of role, frustration and goals. In the second, there are clashes of group production interests.
Interpersonal conflicts are the largest group. These conflicts are of a communication type; they manifest themselves in the clash of opposing opinions, interests in the material sphere, and opposing characters.
In this group, there are also conflicts of the “boss-subordinate” type, when one does not want to put up with the management style, and the other, seeing this, increases the demands on the employee.
By nature, conflict situations can be objective and subjective. According to the expected consequences - constructive or destructive.
What is conflict
So, a conflict is a clash of interests that requires resolution. And conflictology is a field of knowledge that deals with solving such problems. You will find its four sections useful:
- Conflict prevention.
- Independent conflict resolution (five strategies).
- Conflict mediation (involving a third party).
- Working with aggressive conditions.
Still from the film “The Art of Self-Defense”
Asylum
At times like these, both the speaker and the listener may need shelter. In this case, we are talking about temporary refuge from a developing conflict. It’s good if the couple agrees on a symbol, for example, simply the word “shelter”, making it clear that the conversation should be stopped and spent some time apart. It is better to agree in advance that if one gives such a sign, the request must be fulfilled.
This can be very difficult. If you are talking about feelings that are intimate and important to you, the listener's sudden withdrawal can be very hurtful. You may feel abandoned—or that your revelations are so disgusting that staying with you is unbearable. Well, if you were listening carefully, sympathizing and waiting for your turn, and then the conversation was stopped, this may seem like a monstrous injustice.
When this happens, it is extremely important to take care of yourself. You can go for a brisk walk, meditate, hit a punching bag well, read a book, watch a basketball game, or wash the dishes—whatever you do should distract you from the topics and passions at hand so that you can return to the conflict more balanced. You are not responsible for the feelings of your loved one, but you can be responsible for yourself. Now your energy should be focused on calming down. Relationships will benefit if both master this skill.
Asylum rules:
- Don't use it too often.
- Plan to continue the discussion.
Conflict Prevention
Have you heard about management battles? The author of the format describes the most interesting strategies, the best practices of ancient sages and seasoned tops. But he begins not with this, but with the metaphor of the meeting of two lions.
Lions often wander into the territories of other prides to check whether the moment has come to attack the old, wounded or weak. Any battle will be a loss for both: even the winner will be too weak by the time a new aggressor arrives. That's why they growl, show off, and demonstrate strength without getting into a fight. The best victory is a fight that didn't happen. This way you will save both strength and territory. Have you ever tried to prevent conflicts? How did you do it?
Ability to answer
Do not offer ready-made unilateral solutions designed to smooth out unpleasant feelings. When the time comes for decisions, both should speak out and free themselves from the burden of worries, and then find practical solutions to all problems. Some words are needed to simply express emotions and do not require a response. Of course, the conflict may continue. It is possible that there will be several more rounds of monologues. But now the partners’ emotions are under control, and they themselves have shown sufficient mutual respect, honestly sharing their feelings and listening carefully to each other.
Causes of conflicts
Remember how one day a conflict arose out of nowhere. You may still not understand what the matter was. What psychological boundaries might you have stepped on without noticing?
Values. People value different things: certain films, characters, their old chest of drawers and, of course, their favorite pets. Do not offend others by insulting something valuable. Politics is also a very sensitive topic. So be careful not to start dangerous speculations.
Right. We feel the need to be right, because sometimes the entire logical structure of our worldview rests on this rightness. Don't tell people they are wrong, don't point out their mistakes. Instead, look for what you agree with and what you want to add of your own.
Injustice. There's a lot we don't see. It’s especially unfair when we don’t notice other people’s feelings and work. Give significance to what brought your partner to this moment: his choice, work, feelings. Clarify how and what he did, what he thinks, be careful in your statements. Otherwise, you will make yourself ill-wishers.
Perhaps you stepped on some other boundaries that time. Or maybe you just encountered a person who is specifically looking for a reason to quarrel. To avoid such situations, follow these simple recommendations:
- “I-statements” instead of “you-statements” (for example, “I see mistakes here and there” instead of “you made a mistake here and there”).
- Talk about actions, not personalities (“this is not taken into account here” instead of “you did not read my letter carefully”).
- Remember about interests (what the person is striving for, whether you are getting in his way).
- Physiology (pay attention to whether the person is tired, whether he is full, whether he is comfortable, how long ago he had the opportunity to retire).
Effective time management will help translate these rules into habits.
Still from the film “The Art of Self-Defense”
Ability to give sincere compliments
Compliments? It seems that giving compliments is so easy that you shouldn’t even pay attention to it. Just one compliment can change the direction of the conflict - from a difficult determination of who is right and who is wrong, into a stormy declaration of mutual love. There is only one rule: a compliment must be dictated by sincere gratitude or admiration. If the compliment is false or forced, nothing will work. In other words, if a person feels appreciated, cared for, and loved during a conflict, there is no harm in saying so.
Five Strategies for Dealing with Conflict
How to solve the problems that have arisen? Thomas and Kilmann described a classic model of conflict strategies. This is pop that works, like Coca-Cola. The mantra “Strive for win-win” arose from there.
Let us place on the axes of a simple graph 100% of the benefit of one side and 100% of the benefit of the second. During the conflict, each of the partners chooses the area they want to capture. This determines his strategy. For example, a compromise will give 50% to each. Win-win (cooperation) 100%, but this is not always possible. There are also more interesting strategies: confrontation (100%, 0%), concession (0%, 100%) and avoidance (0%, 0%).
Winning a conflict is the area of the shaded figure, so it may seem that the best strategy is win-win. But life is not limited to a specific conflict: sometimes a person is sure that he will not be able to win, and it is more profitable to retreat or pass by. There are no good or bad strategies, what matters is situationality and consequences.
Cooperation. Let's check it out: maybe you both can get everything you want and more. To do this, determine the goal of each party: what you want, which option suits you. Discuss it with the other party. In general, scout the situation, look for other potential interests, find and offer new opportunities.
If you are competing for a position or a client (that is, something indivisible), then win-win will not be achieved. But if you want different things from the object of interest, then after analysis and negotiations you can come to cooperation. For example, a free window in a meeting room will go to one person, and a corporate card for a business lunch with a client will go to another.
Compromise . From the classics: “What do you want, Miss Murphy?” - “Eddie, I want half.” Compromise is the most common way to resolve conflicts. Let's be constructive and come to it. We will divide the tasks equally and take turns occupying the office.
Dividing 50/50 will not always work. Therefore, focus on satisfaction, not on the number of pizza slices in the box. Decide what you like best, what you need first, and what is easiest to do. Both of you must meet each other halfway.
Confrontation. If you don’t have enough fun and want everything at once, you are a fighter. But think about the consequences: will you be excluded from the group if you constantly take all the chips from the table? If you want to fight in a relevant way, initiate fair competition. But only in such a way that the losers recognize the justice of defeat and maintain their dignity. Otherwise, one of them will harbor a grudge and may take revenge.
In general, it's up to you. Sometimes we get cocky, and that's okay. For example, if you love Starbucks for its service, then order a cup of coffee on Arbat. Most likely, you will be unpleasantly surprised. When a business has an endless number of disposable customers, it begins to act antagonistic and impudent. Forgets about the interests of other parties because he does not see the value in long-term relationships. Do you have an endless number of partners?
Concession. If you come across a stronger lion, give in. There is no point, as Bruce Lee bequeathed, jumping on the back of a tiger, because you will not be able to jump off it without consequences. This is motivation for growth, and it should be in the zone of proximal development.
In other words, a concession is when you have assessed your chances of winning and realized that they are unlikely and the costs are low. You are asked to print out and sign another form at the administration, you agree: after all, it’s not difficult to sign, but it’s almost impossible to argue.
Avoidance. This is a strategy of actively maintaining the status quo, which means hushing up the interests of the parties and freezing their overall development. At the same time, a bully on a train is not a reason to make money on a racket (win-win) or compromise to divide spheres of influence among the benches of the train. Sometimes it's better to move to another one. Remember that in addition to the interests of the conflict, there are also costs from its occurrence. It happens that they significantly exceed the potential benefits.
Now you know what you can do to solve problems. But that is not all! You will need to adjust for the strategy chosen by your partner. If he:
- Strives for win-win - just negotiate wisely and choose the same strategy.
- A person of compromises - initiate the search for other benefits and opportunities with the help of questions (suddenly a win-win is possible).
- Opponent - talk about prospects: does he think that he will retain his positions and benefits if he always gets his way 100%? If you want to fight, for example, for a specific project, then create fair competition or invite a third party.
- A yielder or an avoider - see if he soon begins to move to the destructive side, because he has probably already sacrificed a lot. Ask what he wants and tell him that his interests are as important as those of anyone on the team.
Still from the film “The Art of Self-Defense”
A Practical Guide for Anyone Who Loves Introverts or Highly Sensitive People
You may already know how irritation and anger can unsettle you. If your immediate family understands how aggression affects you and lends a helping hand in difficult situations, it will be easier for you to engage in confrontation when necessary and find a solution to any conflict of interest.
In Denmark, I interviewed forty-five highly sensitive individuals about what kind of reaction they would like to get from their interlocutor when a relationship worsens. The variety of responses surprised me, but general trends were also visible.
More on this later in the practical guide for relatives. It is not at all a fact that everything stated in it will be relevant for you, however, based on it, you can create your own wish list for your relatives, which will be useful to them during quarrels.
How best to communicate with me during quarrels
- Stop screaming. I am unpleasantly surprised, frightened and unable to understand you.
- If you are not shy in your expressions, I will, of course, forgive you, but I will not be able to come to my senses for a long time, and my nervous system will be shaken. Even if the conflict ends in reconciliation and you will not regret that you decided to sort things out with me.
- Tell me calmly what makes you angry, and try to explain how I can improve the current situation. In this case, I will meet you halfway in order to understand you as best as possible, and I will do everything possible to find a solution that suits both of us.
- When I'm angry, give me the opportunity to be alone for a while in peace and quiet. I promise to tell you what makes me angry, but it may take me a long time to think things through and formulate my thoughts.
- Please don't be nervous when I tell you about the difficulties in our relationship. If you deny everything or get angry, I will reach a dead end. If I notice that you are not listening, I will not be able to muster the strength to finish speaking. I will irrevocably lose the thread of the conversation, the energy and the desire to continue it.
- Don't forget that my position is very precarious, so I need your support.
These tips do not imply unquestioning adherence.
Mediator and conflict mediation
If you still cannot resolve the conflict situation, taking into account the above, and you can no longer avoid a clash, then you need a conflict mediator. An arbitrator, a disinterested party, for whom it is important to help both of you.
The mediator can be a senior comrade, HR, a manager, or generally a representative of the law. You yourself can become a mediator for others if you find a good mentor in this area.
A classic mediator is a disinterested third party who moderates the resolution of a conflict. He or she turns to corporate policies, to laws, to his own authority in order to implement the conflict mediation procedure. What exactly does a mediator do:
- clarifies the interests of the parties - what is needed, what is unacceptable, what will suit them;
- determines the forms of communication - individually or together, written or oral, and so on;
- approves the terms for creating agreements;
- monitors their implementation;
- makes sure that the conflict is resolved in reality, and not formally (everyone is satisfied with everything).
Based on the recommendations from the first section, the mediator reduces conflict and tension. The arbitrator explains the interests of the parties to each other. Strengthens the motivation for a speedy exit from the conflict, emphasizing the costs of its course.
He strives to show the parties the big picture in perspective in order to find hidden opportunities. My post on coaching will help in this search for solutions that satisfy both sides. Questioning technologies are very effective: when answering them, we are forced to distract ourselves from personal tasks and focus on subject areas. For example, what would be a good way out of this situation for you? How will solving this problem contribute to team development? And much more.
Still from the film “The Art of Self-Defense”
Active listening skills
You need to create in your partner a feeling of your involvement in what is happening, monitoring the feelings of both. This doesn’t mean you have to pretend to be an attentive listener while thinking about football statistics or remembering the lyrics to Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody.” You just need to sincerely perceive your partner’s words - it will be read in the eyes. There is no need to overreact or hide your emotions. If something hurts, it will show. If something makes him laugh, he needs to laugh. Your partner will know by his facial expression and body language that you are really paying attention.
Selecting a reaction
Considering that the main task of a provocateur is to upset the emotional balance of another person and cause acute negative reactions, the surest way to act is nothing more than maintaining calm and awareness. In this way, a person can not only remain unshakable, but also cause an emotional imbalance in the provocateur, not meeting his expectations.
In order to prevent yourself from “boiling,” you can take a few simple steps:
- Remember that your reaction is only your choice
- Count to yourself to ten
- Take several deep breaths and slow exhalations
Any of these methods can “slow down” a person’s psyche and calm his thoughts, as a result of which he will lose the desire to react to provocation, which, in turn, neutralizes the attacks of the provocateur.
It is the choice of reaction that is the key point in the issue of protection from provocations. But understanding ourselves, identifying provocations, studying the provocateur, assessing the situation and choosing a reaction - all this is based mainly on observing ourselves, the people with whom we interact and the interaction process itself. Only knowledge of one’s strengths and weaknesses and the desire to stop succumbing to the manipulation of other people can protect a person from provocations and the occurrence of unwanted and even extreme situations in communication.
We also recommend reading:
- Storytelling
- Forms of social behavior of people
- How to manage anger
- Mastery of Self-Control
- Active and passive protection against manipulation
- Emotional Anchor: Definition, Examples, Establishment and Release
- How to protect yourself from rudeness: simple and effective rules
- Methods of mental self-regulation
- Characteristics and types of conflict personality
- 6 Skills to Develop Emotional Intelligence
- How to develop self-control and self-discipline
Key words:1Rhetoric
Understanding yourself
Almost every person has his own weaknesses. It is precisely to influence them that provocative behavior is designed, because it “catches” a person. Despite the fact that any interaction with provocateurs is destructive, it can be used to your advantage. Thanks to provocations, a person can get to know himself better, because... there is reason to think about why this or that behavior, words and actions of other people cause such a violent reaction. Often, psychological and emotional anchors can be identified in this way. It is precisely the precise identification of your most vulnerable spots that allows you to strengthen your protection against provocations. It is also worth adding that strengthening stability is positively affected by the development of such qualities as the ability to observe what is happening from the outside, which in NLP is called the third position of perception, the ability to slow down one’s psyche in order to get out of a state of emotional involvement, as well as the ability to trust one’s feelings .
