Unfortunately, many people in relationships or marriages have experienced infidelity more than once. And if in a free, polygamous relationship, which is agreed upon “on the shore,” “going to the left” is not considered infidelity, then in traditional relationships everything is exactly the opposite.
There are many reasons for infidelity - bored with the old life, quarrels with a partner, new love. It is the latter that the main character of the series “Windy Woman” faces. Young entrepreneur Nikita Gorelov lives an ordinary life - he has a job, his own apartment, a car and his beloved fiancee. However, all this seems ephemeral when he meets Leah on his way.
How to find out if you are being cheated on? Should adultery be forgiven? How to psychologically cope with betrayal? Psychologists gave answers to these questions.
Martyrdom
Sometimes a woman takes on a kind of martyrdom. What do I mean by this: that is, she knows about the betrayal, practically has complete information (who this woman is, where and when her husband meets his mistress), but at the same time she is silent. She doesn’t say anything, thereby humiliating herself both in her eyes and in his. Even if the marriage is ultimately saved, it comes with a huge moral loss on the part of the woman, and there can be no talk of any family happiness. You can't remain silent. Often a woman is afraid that if she starts to sort things out, especially if she gives an ultimatum, her loved one will leave. But according to statistics, if a man does not leave the family six months after the start of a sexual relationship with another woman, then out of 100 cheaters only eight leave the family! Men really don’t like drastic changes; they are afraid of them. Moreover, out of the eight who left, four come back. Therefore, there is no need to feel wild fear that he will leave and never return.
Of course, if a woman begins to suspect infidelity and puts a lot of pressure on her lover, throws hysterics and scandals, the man will want to leave not even her, but from these scandals. Most of all, men value comfort and tranquility in the family. Don’t want this, do you want to build a relationship further, do you have the strength to overcome a difficult stage in your life together? Then you need to behave calmly, kindly and confidently.
According to statistics, if a man does not leave the family six months after the start of a sexual relationship with another woman, then out of 100 cheaters only eight leave the family! Men really don’t like drastic changes; they are afraid of them.
What should I do if my husband cheated on me?
Let's first look at typical behaviors of women who have learned about their spouse's infidelity.
- She packs her things - hers or his - and leaves for her mother, or asks her husband to leave immediately. A woman doesn’t want to hear excuses, she gets angry and breaks off even long-term relationships.
- The girl forgives the affair, but only in words. In the depths of her soul there is a constant thought: my husband cheated on me. She constantly “digests” what happened, suffers, but cannot or does not want to change the situation.
- Cheating is perceived by a woman as a reason for action. She constantly keeps in mind that she must now compete with her husband’s mistress. Upon arrival home, such a man always expects a delicious dinner, affection and passionate sex.
It would seem that the third scenario is optimal. But in it the woman still has not forgiven her husband. This corrodes her from the inside, forcing her to constantly be in a state of full combat readiness.
What to do then...
What should you never do?
So, you found out that your spouse broke the oath of fidelity. He openly made a mistake, he admitted it himself, or you figured him out using my article “10 signs that a man is cheating.” I advise you to survive your husband’s betrayal as calmly as possible outwardly. There is no need to constantly nag him, check his phone, call 100 times a day and ask where and with whom he is now.
Even a weak-willed man cannot stand constant control from his wife. Instead of repenting to you, he will again and again seek consolation in the arms of his mistresses. After all, these women accept him with all his shortcomings. always ready to listen, give advice, caress.
"Good people"
Article on the topic
“You don’t love me” and 10 more phrases that are better not to say to men Women often learn about the betrayal of a loved one from “well-wishers.” In order to understand how to act in such a situation, you need to decide what you will do if this is indeed true. Play out the situation in your head, discarding the emotions of resentment as much as possible. Are you ready to understand and forgive betrayal? If you are ready, then all gossip and denunciations must be treated accordingly. Who knows what? In such a situation, a woman should never express her concerns to a man because she has made the decision that she is staying. And if you stay, what difference does it make whether he had something with the secretary or not? It is much easier to live with the idea that nothing really happened, and over time you will simply forget about this situation.
If you are not ready to forgive and remain in the family, then before blaming your loved one, be sure to clarify some points, that is, you do not need to take the word of the people who informed you about the betrayal, you only need reliable facts. The fact that, for example, someone mistook your husband’s colleague for his mistress does not mean that he is sleeping with her; perhaps it is just flirting. Let's not forget that many women also like to flirt, but it doesn't lead to anything. So don't beat yourself up.
The behavior of a man after the fact of betrayal or an affair
It is not at all difficult for a man to determine whether a man is cheating on his wife. Moreover, the longer his affair on the side continues, the faster and more successfully he can be identified.
Strange actions
It is impossible not to notice that the man’s behavior becomes completely different. If earlier he scattered his socks around the house, and it was almost impossible to train them to put them in the dirty laundry basket, now he not only throws them in the washing machine, but also carefully hangs them out to dry.
Or another case:
completely unexpectedly, right in the middle of the week, a husband who is very far from romantic relationships suddenly brings a bouquet of gorgeous flowers and your favorite wine after work, although he had never done this before, even on your birthday. Maybe your spouse began to spend more time with you, help you around the house, and even watch movies with you that he didn’t like before.
Unfortunately, these facts may indicate that your man is behaving the way they usually behave after cheating.
Lack of tenderness
Your spouse began to show less and less attention and tenderness to you in private, in an intimate way. Why might this be observed?
As a rule, this happens because a man is tormented by his conscience
and he feels bad about the fact that he betrayed you. This is precisely what can prevent him from getting together at the most crucial moment and being a sincere and affectionate partner with you.
Closedness
After a spouse commits adultery, it can greatly affect his behavior as he is tormented by remorse when he returns home. He may become withdrawn or have a bad mood and all this is the result of some stress and painful experiences.
Therefore, you should be careful with certain conclusions
, because this does not mean at all that your spouse continues to cheat on you.
A man is bored
Being next to you, a man begins to frankly get bored, especially if he has always had fun and at ease with some other woman. And the longer all this continues, the more noticeable the complete indifference towards you will be.
If your spouse is not interested in you at all
, your hobbies or some holidays, it doesn’t hurt to think about what exactly happened. And the whole point is that the man, having probably cheated on you, received a surge of such vivid emotions that he certainly wants to experience again.
He became unstable
After adultery has occurred, your spouse may behave irritably and unrestrainedly towards you. It can start up just like that, out of the blue, and constantly makes various comments to you. Quite often scandals and quarrels began to brew between you.
In this case, there can be only one solution for you
- once again, do not anger your spouse and, having shown the lion’s share of patience towards him, try to behave quite calmly. You can even show all your tenderness, affection and attention. If in this case your husband’s behavior does not change in any way, then he probably has another woman on his side.
Meeting with a homewrecker
Such meetings make absolutely no sense, especially if you want to rip out a clump of hair from your mistress and show who’s boss. Men are designed in such a way that they inevitably feel guilty. Oddly enough, it invigorates them. If there is a wife and a mistress, he will be especially guilty of one of them.
Feeling guilty before your mistress is the collapse of a marriage.
When his wife accompanies him to work, kisses him on the nose, gives him lunch, and his little son, who looks like him, immediately runs out, blinks his eyes and says: “Daddy, I’ll be waiting for you,” he feels guilty before his wife and family. When, after all this, he comes to his mistress, he will even have sex with her with a feeling of guilt in front of his wife, and, in the end, such meetings will come to naught. But if a woman says: “Hey, where are you going? To be home at 8,” she gives him a negative charge. This is what the mistress needs, who, after such “gentle” instructions, will tell him affectionately: “Don’t worry, it’s okay, she just doesn’t understand you.” And if his wife also calls him to check on him, and his “caring and sensitive” mistress, without showing dissatisfaction, quietly helps him open the window, as if he were driving in a traffic jam, at that moment he will begin to feel guilty in front of her. It is this woman who helps him in everything, accepts him for who he is, and therefore loves him. Feeling guilty before your mistress is the collapse of a marriage.
So, if the wife nevertheless comes and starts tearing out the hair of the homewrecker, then at the moment when the husband comes once again to his passion, she with torn hair and sad eyes will tell him: “Nothing, nothing, Kolenka, I understand everything, I same woman." That’s it, his mistress is a hero, she’s great. And you can completely forget about the hysterical wife.
How to help yourself?
If you are the injured partner, the first thing you need to do is accept that your first emotional reaction (even if it was excessive, self-deprecating, and frantic) was completely normal and understandable, or at least the best you were capable of at the time. taking into account your condition and the severity of the incident.
You need to forgive yourself for losing yourself and begin to rebuild from within. To rebuild your relationship, you also need to understand your partner's reaction to cheating, no matter how radically different it may be from yours. In this article, your partner should have looked at the betrayal through your eyes.
In the second part we will show the situation from his perspective. Believe it or not, the person who betrayed you may also be struggling to understand what happened.
Treason for treason
Question answer
Why don’t women take care of their appearance at home? This reaction reminds me of the expression: I’ll buy a ticket to spite the conductor and not go. In pursuit of revenge, in most cases you will only punish yourself. Cheating on a husband or loved one is always a very big tragedy, because it is a betrayal. But you need to understand that when a woman leaves, for example, for a resort, to forget herself and go to all kinds of troubles, as they say, in fact, at that moment she does not need sex, but to feel that someone needs her, that she another woman, that she is sexy, that she can be loved and wanted. As you understand, a short affair will give you all this for a very short period of time. When a woman comes home after experiencing a holiday romance or just some dubious relationship, apathy will set in, because she will understand that her husband has left and her lover was simply using her. After short affairs, a woman rarely has the feeling that she used a man for her own purposes; usually she comes to the realization that he used her like a toy. Therefore, there is no need to undertake such an experiment; it will not help solve the problem, and perhaps will only make it worse.
How to behave if you find out about your husband's cheating
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If your husband has cheated, the most important thing is to approach the problem with a cool head. Your first thoughts are “How could he? Why? I do everything for him!” You, of course, can allow yourself to cry, sob, sob, but no more than three days, otherwise your self-respect will begin to evaporate, and after this self-pity will cover all your thoughts. This absolutely cannot be allowed! The situation cannot be reversed, the past cannot be returned, or what has been done cannot be corrected, but the relationship can be preserved.
It is important not just to preserve, but to bring them to a qualitatively new level of development, to a new stage of evolution, otherwise everything will happen again. Because the relationship as it was clearly does not suit your man, since he committed such an act. After all, infidelity itself will not arise. This is a consequence of some specific mistakes in the relationship between a man and a woman. Typically, cheating does not occur in married couples, where everyone gets the maximum of what they want and also gives in return.
Forgiveness must be earned
When you immediately forgive a man for cheating, he understands that he is the main value of your life, which means he can go to the left again, and you will forgive him again. Therefore, you need to stage a grandiose theatrical performance to pin the guilt on the cheater, and he really deserves it. As I already said, the main thing is to do this without scandals, quietly and calmly. You can cry and talk it out with your mother or friends, but then come and calmly say: “You know, dear, think about it and do something for our relationship.” You need to bring your loved one to the point where he starts pursuing you again.
Men love to say the phrase: “Let's start all over again.” So tell him: “Come on, you’ve had enough of courtship, restaurants, flowers, serenades under the window, and I still may not come on a date because my mother didn’t let me go.”
Men love to say the phrase: “Let's start all over again.” So tell him: “Come on, you’ve had enough of courtship, restaurants, flowers, serenades under the window, but I still may not come on a date because my mother didn’t let me go,” and so on. If you decide to start all over again, then you should have a bouquet-candy period again. Let the guilty spouse give gifts, win attention, and kneel. But after you have forgiven him, never bring up this cheating incident again. Even in a joking form: “Hee-hee-hee, where did you go, to Zina?” - Forget about it. You have to make a decision once. Forgiving means everything is a clean slate, without reminders of past mistakes. If you don’t forgive, break up and file for divorce.
Don't praise your relationship
Does this recommendation seem absurd to you? But many people do this, thinking to explain to their angry or upset half why this happened. “He was a great kisser,” “she took such touching care of me,” “you’ve gained weight, but she’s slim,” “you’re always at work, and he’s nearby...”
The meaning boils down to one thing: “In our relationship, I was missing something, and I borrowed the lack from the side.”
Refrain from making such excuses. No person can be reduced to any single characteristic: weight, age, character type. And not a single sign or lack thereof is an excuse for your choice. But such remarks can hurt easily and for a long time.
Time cures? What do psychologists say?
Again, in such complex relationships you need to turn to professionals. Alas, there are no doctors who could prescribe a cure for the pain of betrayal, but there are psychologists who are generalists for all occasions. And among them there are specialists who deal with family problems, situations of betrayal, deception, and mutual understanding. If your loved one cheats, try not only to forgive him, but also to forgive yourself. Some of the blame lies with you if you allowed wrong things to happen.
Every recovery takes time. But no one sits at home expecting to feel good. Is there some kind of therapy being carried out? Yes, this is both stabilization and normalization of the functioning of organs that secrete the hormone of happiness. Happiness can also be bought if you get joy from eating sweets, watching a movie and collecting flowers. Treason and betrayal of a loved one are forgiven, but everything takes time. For some, a few weeks are enough, others cannot start a family for decades, continuing to remain faithful to the one and only.
