Often, even in a cloudless family life, periods of crisis occur, when until recently the people closest to each other move away and become strangers. Cheating is that very moment of crisis that not all couples can survive.
Partners perceive the news of adultery differently. Some consider it a personal defeat and insult, others begin to take revenge, not realizing that there will be no winners in this “war”. So why is this happening? What are the reasons for betrayal that comes as a complete surprise to your partner? Is it possible to avoid infidelity and how to protect yourself from it? FAN journalist asked these questions to psychologist and family relationship coach Elena Gamayun .
Photo from the personal archive of Elena Gamayun /
How to forgive
In a relationship where cheating has occurred, everything either starts all over again or ends forever. For some very principled people, this is a betrayal. But living with a traitor under the same roof and building a family is very difficult, almost impossible.
In order to continue your relationship with your husband or wife after cheating, you must first forgive your loved one. Yes, for many it is difficult and almost impossible, but it is necessary. Otherwise the relationship will end.
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By the way, spouses can live separately for some time in order to feel how important and necessary they are to each other. This is necessary in such a difficult situation. After time has passed, you can think about how to forgive the person. To continue with him or not. After all, as time passes, there will be no more acute resentment, and it is possible that the relationship will improve again.
A person should be given a second chance only if he himself wants it. If a man leaves and does not want to return, then the woman needs to let him go and forget. And the main thing is to forgive and build your life further without him.
Why do women cheat in marriage?
The reasons for a wife's betrayal also lie in dissatisfaction with the marriage, relationship with her husband, and lack of love and affection. A woman may want to strive to change something in her life, thus taking out her resentment on her husband, “response in kind” if she became aware of her husband’s adultery. With a relationship on the side, they may seek to cover the feeling of emotional emptiness or the desire to again feel beautiful, desirable, sexy. If these emotions are not present in a marriage, conditions for betrayal arise.
However, even in these cases, not every woman decides to take the “crooked path.” Experts believe that female infidelity usually requires very compelling reasons. If a man is looking for intense passions and new sensations, a woman usually strives for change. Therefore, she can endure emotional detachment from her husband for a long time, hoping that one day everything will change. May find satisfaction in raising children or doing household things. And only when the cup of patience is completely overflowing can the wife decide to take this step.
“In 80% of cases, a wife cheats when she is offended by her husband,” continues Elena Gamayun. — Or the husband is on a long business trip, and the wife simply cannot stand his absence. But it also happens that a girl is looking for a hobby on the side, because she loves adventure and enjoys taking risks. In this case, betrayal for her becomes one of the factors in the rise of adrenaline.”
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Position of science
From the point of view of neuroscience, love, affection, the desire for sex with only one partner is determined solely by the work of neurotransmitters in our brain. The main one is dopamine, a neurotransmitter involved in the formation of addictions. When partners experience joy from each other’s company, which is usually observed in the “candy-bouquet period,” the level of dopamine tends to the maximum. And sex with a loved one is perceived by the brain as a reward. And since everyone loves awards, interest in their spouse is maintained high.
But over time, changes occur in relationships. We begin to see our partner no longer “through rose-colored glasses,” but with his mistakes and behavior and actions that are not always pleasant to us. The “magical” effect of dopamine decreases, passion subsides. And since not all partners are ready to constantly maintain this “fire” in a relationship, the brain can “tell” you to look for pleasure on the side.
Another neurotransmitter that is important in relationships is oxytocin, called the bonding hormone. It is its sharp release after childbirth that forms the almost instantaneous attachment of a mother to her baby. It also influences the relationship between men and women, as it creates an invisible connection between them. Oxytocin is produced in response to physical contact: kissing, hugging, sex. And the more frequent and close this contact is, the stronger the “oxytocin threads” connecting the spouses will be. If there is no cuddling and regular sex, attraction and attachment will naturally wane and go away.
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Statistics on marital infidelity
There are no official statistics on the number of adulterous affairs. It does not exist either in Russia or in the world. In 2021, BBC journalists decided to rectify the situation by conducting a large-scale anonymous survey of men and women aged 30-40. Respondents were asked two questions: have they ever cheated on their partners and do they expect their significant other to cheat? The survey revealed some interesting things.
Firstly, that most people, of course, do not expect cheating. 95% of respondents expressed confidence in their partner’s fidelity. And secondly, the frequency of adultery turned out to be much higher than is commonly believed. 70% of men and 65% of women admitted that they had cheated on their partner at least once.
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Despite the “impressive” numbers, according to the researchers, these results should not be interpreted as definitive proof of the fickleness of human nature. After all, as practice shows, people perceive the concept of betrayal differently.
For a woman, this is not only the physical intimacy of a partner with another woman. A spouse may accuse her husband of cheating if he chats with someone on social networks or pays too much attention to his “friend” at a party. At the same time, a woman may consider herself guilty before her husband if she began to communicate too closely, “mentally” with another man, for example, at work. Despite the fact that there was no physical contact, it is common for many women to scold themselves and feel shame only for close emotional intimacy and passion for someone other than their husband.
Men are more conservative in this regard. As a rule, they call cheating exclusively physical contact with another woman, while light flirting, correspondence on social networks and even open flirtations with office employees and the wife’s friends are not considered adultery.
“Most often, women who are faced with the problem of men cheating come to see me,” comments psychologist and coach Elena Gamayun. “Therefore, despite the fact that there are no official statistics on this issue, from my own experience I can say that men still cheat more often.”
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How to avoid betrayal: advice from a psychologist
To prevent betrayal from entering your life, or at least to minimize its likelihood:
- family life is work and more work.
- since it is too likely that your partner will begin to speculate on the situation and accuse you of cheating.
If the “worst” has already happened, contact a professional, he will help you understand the situation. There is no need to take it to the point of absurdity.
But there is always a possibility that a person will cheat because that’s the way he is designed, and he has corresponding views on life.
Immaturity
In the first, above-mentioned case, we are talking
about people who are immature in a certain sense. Because the ability to refuse to satisfy one’s primitive desires for the sake of important long-term goals is an indicator of maturity.
If they do not know how to do this, then most likely one can observe other signs of destructive behavior in them: abuse of alcohol, drugs, computer games, etc.
Within this group of people there is also a subgroup - people with power. Politicians, successful businessmen, show business stars often cheat on their partners because, being spoiled by power, fame or success, they are accustomed to unconditional satisfaction of their desires. This applies not only to power in society.
If one partner has complete power in a relationship and has never faced negative consequences for their actions, they will also be inclined to cheat.
Ordinary sadism
Psychologist Alexey Roshchin believes that it would be more honest to report the fact of betrayal before the betrayal itself. Often a partner is hurt not so much by the fact of betrayal as by the fact that they are trying to manipulate him. First, a person cheats, and then tries to ease the pangs of conscience, shift the burden of responsibility onto the partner. It turns out that recognition is based on motives that are far from noble intentions. We can be driven by the desire to hurt our other half.
“ Both confession and betrayal can be an act of sadism.” First, you consciously cheat, and then you talk about it, savoring the details and observing your partner’s reaction, trying to hurt him more, ” says psychologist Alexey Roshchin.
Psychologist Irina Korzhaeva recalled a case that a patient told her about, whose lover cheated on her. They had been in a relationship for three years and had gone through many difficult and stressful periods. One morning, returning from a party, a guy called her and said something like this: “Honey, I don’t have very good news. I'm honest with you and I don't want there to be secrets between us. Yesterday I got very drunk and slept with a girl... By accident... Yes, it’s my fault, but it’s all because of you, we have constant quarrels, you’ve been driving me crazy for a week... In general, it doesn’t mean anything to me, I just wanted to, so you know."
In that case, it had traumatic consequences. The woman went to see a psychotherapist for a long time. Experts agree that many consequences could have been avoided if the lovers had agreed on the general rules of the game at the very beginning, while still “on the shore.”
Main reasons
Many people often wonder why spouses begin to cheat on their significant other? The answer will depend on the specific situation.
Men cheat only to find something new for themselves. Many husbands are so tired of the constant reproaches of their wives that they think that with another partner everything will be different. Although the reason for a bad relationship with his wife most often lies in himself.
How does a man feel after cheating? The psychology of representatives of the stronger half of humanity is designed in such a way that after a sexual relationship with another lady, a young man can feel discomfort from betrayal and euphoria at the same time. But this manifests itself differently for everyone.
Some men, after cheating, begin to shower their wives with gifts, others become more passionate in bed, and others simply pull away and are completely immersed in a new intimate relationship with a secret partner. It all depends on the person himself.
“I was curious what it would be like to be with another man.”
Anna, 27 years old
My husband and I have been together for seven years. At the beginning of the relationship, he didn’t love me, he just liked me. But I was in love until my eyes blurred. I had to woo him, I tried to help him forget his ex, who left him. It hit my pride hard, but I didn’t give up - the feelings were stronger. We got married and he seemed to love me. Or he just got attached.
The problem is that he didn’t care where I was or with whom. Even when I returned home late at night after hanging out with friends, he didn’t ask where or who I was with, but simply went to bed. My resentment grew, the thought of betrayal arose more and more often. Moreover, I am an attractive girl, and many guys tried to court me. I did not reciprocate because I loved my husband. But over time, I began to be tormented by curiosity: what it would be like to be with another, because my husband was my first man in an intimate sense.
I started flirting with a colleague at work. The sweet winks, meaningful compliments and glances lasted a year. The decisive moment came at a summer corporate party, when the whole company went on vacation out of town for a few days.
We both already understood that we wanted something more than just flirting. Alcohol helped me take a serious step. Everyone else went to their hotel rooms, and we sat in the gazebo on the street for some time. I didn’t understand how it happened, but we kissed. At that moment the world stopped existing, and I didn’t care if anyone saw us together. We got into the back seat of his car, where we had a stormy and, perhaps, the most memorable sex of my life. Yes, we were drunk, but we were aware of everything that was happening.
Sex was repeated on the second day in my room. Afterwards we lay in the dark and talked about what would happen next. I understood that he wanted to build a relationship, but I was not going to leave my husband.
After that, at first I held on, saying that I did everything right, because at the beginning of the relationship my husband was cold towards me, why can’t I allow myself to get hot in revenge? In addition, I quenched my curiosity and gained new experience with another man.
All excuses disappeared as soon as I crossed the threshold of the house. I couldn't forgive myself for what I did. I looked for answers on the Internet, read forums, called the psychological service hotline.
Conversations with a psychologist helped me understand that the arguments I used to justify myself were actually quite reasonable. I was really just curious to have a new sexual experience. And I really took out my previous resentment on my husband. I should leave this as a pleasant memory, because it was good, even cool.
Gradually I was able to forgive myself. But I still think that cheating is bad for both mental and physical health. Yes, it's a rollicking adventure, but that doesn't mean it's something to be proud of. There is always guilt after it, at least in front of yourself. After all, if you are not honest with a loved one, doesn’t this mean that you are not honest with yourself?
I will never confess my sin to anyone. Especially my husband. Although at first I really wanted to clear my conscience. But I held back so that neither his world nor mine would collapse. I admit, if I found out that my husband cheated, I would not be able to forgive. How can you look a person in the eye knowing this? It's better to be ignorant.
Anatomy of betrayal: needs and their implementation
Let's look at a few basic needs that lead to cheating.
- Dissatisfaction with sexual relationships
Every person has sexual preferences. Moreover, the other half does not always like them. For example, a man is not satisfied with the position his wife prefers. A woman wants to have sex more often than her husband can offer, or she wants to have sexual contact for a longer period of time.
The result is a search for a partner who could fully satisfy all desires and fantasies.
- Lack of personal space
The fact is that every person needs their own space and even solitude. Sometimes you want to be alone to do what you love, read a book, even just get some sleep without anyone disturbing you. But many people believe that as long as they do what they like, their other half will “go to the left.” But not giving a husband or wife freedom is even worse.
Man is designed in such a way that he needs freedom. If it is not there, aggression and dissatisfaction accumulate. It is not surprising that he wants to escape from the house, where he cannot protect himself from attacks on his personal space. One option is a new partner. Therefore, it is necessary to find a balance that suits husband and wife.
- Search for variety
The routine of family life does not contribute to the emergence of unusual situations that both spouses would like. When the love subsides and the spouses no longer experience euphoria from their partner, they become bored and want variety. Where can I find it? Of course, on the side, with an unfamiliar woman and man who are able to give it. But spouses are able to add some drive to life from time to time. Remember The Marriage of Figaro, where the Count mistakes his own wife or the “Bat” for a servant.
In real life, such transformations are unlikely, but you can always add some zest to a relationship.
- The need to feel supported
2) They get bored
Unfortunately, even very loving people become boring with each other and sometimes you want to run away from each other somewhere. He cuts his nails on the sofa and leaves them on the table; she clogs the drain with her hair. He knows what she will say before she opens her mouth, she knows that he will whine again that she spent a lot. Everyday life gets boring, people get bored of each other, along with their habits - and you want something new.
Here it is necessary to divide the degree of unbearability. If this is no longer possible, then cheating will alienate the partners from each other forever. If this is a desire to unwind, then an affair on the side will not necessarily divide the spouses, sometimes it can even strengthen the connection.
“I felt that I was not loved. And she was ready to do anything to compensate for this."
Polina, 29 years old
At first, Anton and I lived like in a fairy tale. We were overwhelmed with feelings. I still get goosebumps when I remember it. The most vibrant relationship in my life, a volcano of passions, like in an Italian family. But then the skeletons in the closet were revealed. Both of us.
Everything changed six months after we started dating. Anton lost interest, conversations became insipid, sex became rare. And more and more it seemed that this was torture for him. It was strange, considering that for the first months we had sex everywhere we could and in a variety of ways.
