How to behave if your husband constantly screams: choose a tactic

Why does a husband yell at his wife? Looking for reasons

If your husband’s behavior has changed a lot, he cannot restrain himself in a conflict situation, he constantly screams, breaks down for any reason, try to understand why the quarrels begin. To do this, go back to the very beginning, analyze what you said or did before the corresponding reaction occurred. Do not blame yourself under any circumstances, the important thing here is simply to find the “seed” from which the quarrel grew.

The reasons for a husband's screams can be:

• problems at work;
• alcohol, drugs, gambling;
• psychological stress;
• fading of feelings;
• low self-esteem;
• age-related irritability;
• hereditary scenario.

If your loving and caring spouse suddenly starts screaming, it is quite possible that something is seriously bothering him. He may have problems at work or financial difficulties that he cannot tell you about. The causes of aggressive behavior may be the use of alcohol or drugs. Gamblers, alcoholics and drug addicts (if they cannot get what they need) behave inappropriately, overly aggressively, splashing out feelings of guilt and dissatisfaction on the people closest to them. If you are sure that all of the above reasons have nothing to do with your situation with your husband, then most likely the roots of your current problem are in the past.

If your husband grew up in a family where yelling was the order of the day, where father and mother resolved family conflicts and disputes only in this way, he cannot even imagine another scenario of behavior. Most often, a man repeats his father’s pattern of behavior unconsciously, even if he himself suffered from such relationships as a child and promised himself never to behave this way with his family in the future.

Read on the topic How do life scenarios from childhood influence adult relationships?

Why screaming is important

A person cannot express anger without changing his tone of voice. He will inevitably use some technique to maintain the emotion. All possible, appropriate and acceptable personal resources can be used to support the movement of the energy of anger.

The emotional and physical spheres of personality are closely connected. If changes occur in the emotional state, the body must respond to these changes accordingly. The lack of connection between emotions and body, when a person experiences stress and the body remains calm, indicates some kind of psycho-emotional problem. Bodily manifestations help the entire “body-emotions-consciousness” system to cope with stress. The body, emotions, and consciousness of a healthy person work together. If some part is not included in the experience, then there is a breakdown in communication due to emotional trauma.

Perhaps this is a harsher intonation. Perhaps this is a special vocabulary. This can be gestures, body movements, and facial expressions. But the easiest way to show anger is to raise your tone. To what extent to raise it, where to find the limit of pitch, depends on the interaction between a man and a woman. The body must keep the energy moving so that no one around is harmed. But it must necessarily support the experience so that this experience does not become blocked in the body and does not become the cause of a psychosomatic illness.

My husband constantly shouts: what should I do?

If you are caught up in this “mess,” and are firmly mired in a relationship model where you are a woman who constantly endures her husband’s screams, it will not be easy to get out and radically change the situation. Any deviation from your humble behavior will be perceived as rebellion and will cause even greater dissatisfaction with your spouse. To prevent your husband’s regular screams from leading to more disastrous consequences, start acting gradually. Below you will find some recommendations. Their basis is constructive work on yourself and your emotions, since you are unlikely to be able to “remake” your husband; your main key is your personal behavior.

So, to calm a screaming husband, try:

• not to be the initiator of conflicts;
• do not focus your husband’s attention on everyday trifles and do not nag him if (in your opinion) he earns little or does not pay enough attention to you;
• do not raise your voice and do not develop conflict (hold back, even if you have something to say, but you understand the consequences of your “excuses”);
• listen to complaints calmly and with restraint (it is not necessary to immediately rush to do everything point by point, but you cannot ignore this situation);
• solve problems in a calm conversation (after the husband has calmed down, try to talk through all the accumulated complaints again. Introductory constructions, like “Did I understand correctly that...?”, “You said that...", etc., help well, which carefully continue the thread of the conversation, but do not turn what was said into a complaint);
• do not burden your husband with household chores if he is the only breadwinner and earner and is really tired at work (you do not need to create a scale of his fatigue, just decide once and for all - after work, your husband wants to rest at least a little. There is no point in demanding that he immediately take out the trash, “since he hasn’t taken off his shoes yet” or “quickly wash the dishes” - this will only heat up the emotional background);
• a tired spouse's home should be clean and tasty dinner (devastation and hunger obviously will not make him calm and satisfied);
• praise him, say that you love him and hug him more often (perhaps he lacks your attention or he “fell out” of family life in the bustle. Be the initiator of a warm relationship, and do not wait for the first steps on his part - you have a family, not competition to conquer each other);
• analyze every situation, conversation, action that led to a scandal and quarrel (maybe you missed something and the problem really exists);
• realize that such relationships are not normal and try to change them for the better or break them;
• turn to a specialist (a psychological approach can greatly simplify working on relationships, but, unfortunately, it is often difficult to understand what to do alone. Try going to a consultation with a psychologist, perhaps the problem is not only that the husband constantly screams, and lies much deeper).

Causes of alcohol aggression in the family

Studies have shown that aggressiveness while intoxicated is directly related to the toxic effect of ethyl alcohol. Once in the body, alcohol has a variety of effects - it causes vasodilation, which accelerates its penetration into all tissues, and its most noticeable and dangerous effect is on nervous tissue. Penetrating through the blood-brain barrier, alcohol enters the brain and exerts its toxic effect. It consists of several harmful factors:

1. Direct toxic effect - ethyl alcohol itself is toxic to nerve cells.
2. Hypoxic effect - alcohol metabolism requires oxygen, taking it away from neurons.
3. Poisonous effect of acetaldehyde. This intermediate product of alcohol metabolism is the main cause of hangovers. It is more toxic than alcohol and is poorly soluble in water, which causes an increase in osmotic pressure and swelling of the nervous tissue, which causes headaches and worsening health during a hangover.

The impact of all these factors causes the death of nerve cells, which reduces the drinker’s ability to adequately perceive reality and the ability to behave according to the situation. Changes in behavior during alcohol intoxication are unstable and cannot be reasonably controlled. For most people, alcohol initially causes a complacent, calm mood, and aggression comes later. Then a phase of sleep or coma may occur.

It is believed that alcohol affects areas of the cerebral cortex that are responsible for inhibiting primitive subcortical regions. In the absence of the inhibitory influence of the cortex, control over behavior is exercised by the subcortical regions, which carry out primitive behavioral reactions, including aggressive behavior. In this case, it is not even the alcohol itself that plays a bad joke on a person, but the peculiarities of his own physiology.

Psychologists believe that the mechanisms of aggressive behavior were the norm for human ancestors, and with the development of the cerebral cortex, control of the more “civilized” parts over the “wild” ones appeared. Alcohol weakens this influence, releasing ancient instincts.

Alcohol also has an effect similar to that of adrenaline, causing stimulation of the nervous system, which can further contribute to aggressive behavior.

There is another theory that explains the occurrence of alcoholic aggression not by biochemical, but by social mechanisms. It is based on the assumption that a person, in the process of observing other people who drink, learns a model of aggressive behavior and, when drinking alcohol, consciously reduces control over his behavior.

This theory also has experimental confirmation - people who were offered a placebo under the guise of alcohol began to show aggression, despite the fact that the drink did not contain alcohol.

A significant role is also played by the fact that alcohol impairs cognitive functions and reduces the ability to analyze information, as well as thinking and memory. Therefore, a person in a state of alcoholic intoxication is not able to correctly interpret the words and actions of others, and may believe that they showed aggression towards him, and he was only defending himself.

In addition, previous experience of drinking alcohol plays a role, especially those cases where there was aggression on the part of others. If situations similar to such previous experiences are repeated, the drunken person begins to reproduce his aggressive actions in the previous situation.

It would be most correct to consider that the appearance of alcoholic aggression involves all of the listed factors to varying degrees - the toxic and hypoxic effect of alcohol on the cerebral cortex, the release of primitive behavioral reactions, socially conditioned weakening of control, past experience and incorrect interpretation of the behavior of others.

Most often, aggressive behavior develops in people dependent on alcohol, so aggression becomes not an isolated phenomenon, but a constant source of danger for others.

Watch this video: Goosebumps...

What is reflection?

Reflection is a universal property of matter, which consists in the ability of material objects to change under the influence of other objects. Mechanical reflection occurs under the influence of mechanical influence, physical reflection occurs under the influence of external influence. But the HIGHEST FORM OF REFLECTION IS HUMAN CONSCIOUSNESS. That is, a team or an individual has the ability to influence another person, change or correct his picture of the world, actions, and behavior.

To put it simply, whoever you hang out with, that's how you'll gain.

But there is one nuance from the series “what comes first - the chicken or the eggs?” It is unknown who is reflected here, husband or wife. There are 3 options:

1. he was good, she came and ruined him
2. the husband was “bad”, the wife came and he spoiled her
3. the man was “bad”, she came “bad” and they lived happily together, they also degenerated happily together

The wife of an alcoholic is associated in everyday understanding as an unkempt, overweight, tortured woman whom he brought to such a state (before she could have been healthy and beautiful). Regular negativity and stress from her husband are slowly changing her condition and picture of the world. A lot of energy goes into surviving this situation rather than creating good things. Hence the slowdown in personal growth and abandoned children. This is example number 2 from the above classification.

But is it correct to assume that if the husband drinks, it means the wife is to blame?