In his life, a person often faces aggression, inexplicable attacks, criticism and hatred from strangers, close friends and even relatives. If you react to all this, you can ruin your life, says James Altucher, a famous American trader, investor, entrepreneur and writer, author of many books on self-development and personal growth. T&P translated an article from his blog about how to deal with those who can't stand you.
Making strangers hate yourself is very easy: just have your own opinion, be creative and be yourself.
Anyone can become your hater: a relative, friend, colleague, teacher, boss, or just a stranger on the street or on the Internet. Former friends can unexpectedly become enemies. You need to know what to do in such situations. Most haters are invisible, anonymous, and they try to get inside your head because they have such a unique way of communicating. Example: Someone recently reviewed my audiobook.
“This is just terrible... an author should never read his own books out loud again. He has a lazy, mumbled way of speaking that makes it very difficult to believe what he says. There seems to be no interest in his voice, as if it is a burden for him to convey these valuable sprouts of knowledge to us, poor unfortunate listeners.”
I don't look for compliments. Some people like my audiobook, some don't. Once at school, in the 7th grade, we were reading a book out loud, and when it was my turn, one girl said: “Oh no! Just not his voice...” Maybe she left a review? Whatever we do in life, some will hate us, others will laugh or gossip, others will attack from behind, some will take money or try to destroy our reputation, some will threaten, tease or intimidate.
So listen up: There are rules to help you beat the haters, anonymous, virtual and real, among your colleagues, family and those you love.
It's complicated. I don't always succeed, but I'm gradually improving. And when I manage to follow these rules, the results in my life improve. I hope it works out for you too.
The problem is the hater himself
It's a little cliche, but it's true. Behind any anger there is fear.
He who hates is at the same time afraid of something. This doesn't mean you have to say, "Poor thing, he's just afraid." But it is worth noting this fact for yourself.
For example, in the example above, the woman who wrote the review said “poor unfortunate listeners.” Perhaps she is afraid of being poor and unhappy, which is why she hears these words from everywhere. This is her life problem.
Often people say: "Don't worry, they're just jealous." Maybe. Or maybe not. We can't read their minds. It’s none of my business why someone has one opinion or another about me.
But something is happening in the lives of these people that causes fear. And this fear is expressed in aggression towards you. They are projecting their own fear onto you. For a short time you turn into the monster that was inside them. Anger is simply fear released.
The problem is also with you
I don't even think about many of my haters. But some people manage to push the right buttons. Some randomly get into my soul. Or not by chance. Like, for example, a relative who knows exactly which buttons to press. If someone finds the right button, I get angry and defensive. But it's not because people said something terrible about me. But because under the thick armor of anger lies my fear that they might be right. I may not even admit it to myself. After all, they were the ones who raised the knife first, so I can blame them for everything. But in reality it turns out that I myself continue to thrust this “knife” into myself.
Let's take the same example again. I pulled it out from hundreds of other examples, not because it is particularly unpleasant. I just realized that then I could tell the story of how a girl in 7th grade made fun of my voice. Maybe I'm just really worried that I have a strange voice. It's important to note this for yourself.
When you constantly notice things to yourself, you at least separate those things from the endless stream of thoughts. You remember them and store them separately in your head. Therefore, it will be easier to recognize and deal with them in the future. Or maybe it will even help you learn more about yourself.
How to live and fight with all this
Photo: pinterest.com
First, you need to honestly admit to yourself that there really is a problem: hostility towards a person who seems to completely not deserve it. He does us no harm, he has no or almost no influence on our lives, but irritation or disgust towards him is present.
Awareness of the problem is the first step to solving it, because, having realized it, we seem to take the problem outside, we can look at it from the outside and understand what to do next. By the way, it’s not so easy to realize, because we are used to considering ourselves white and fluffy, and even admitting to ourselves that we are incredibly angry at a person who is, in general, innocent of anything is difficult.
24 hour rule
If someone attacks you, you may experience negative emotions. If attacks happen in public, then other people may also experience unpleasant emotions. They might think, “Jane said that about James, so he must be an idiot.” Attacks can also be part of office politics or personal relationships.
The 24 hour rule works in almost any case. If you do not respond to the first attack, it will disappear within 24 hours. But if you answer at least once, reset the timer. It will take another 24 hours for the aggression to subside in the web of human communication. That's why some conflicts last for years. Participants react to each other's attacks, and all this continues until one of the opponents dies. And according to Onion magazine, the mortality rate in the world remains stable at 100%.
Such a complicated love
How were scientists able to discover the hatred that was hidden behind love? They conducted a series of studies. Participants were asked to think about important and loved people. Then you had to describe your feelings towards them - both negative and positive. Surprisingly, both the extreme degree of anger and the most vivid manifestations of tenderness were addressed to the same person.
After this, the participants took a computer test. It made it possible to capture even unconscious, hidden emotions. First, the name of a loved one appeared on the screen, and after it - emotionally charged words, both positive and negative, such as garbage, blood, dirt. The subjects had to press buttons and thus classify words into groups, negative and positive, as quickly as they could.
Rule 30/30/30
I had several posts where I used the same illustration found on the Internet: a woman doing yoga on the beach. I've been criticized for always using pictures of sexy women. I was also criticized for using these photographs without attribution.
Then the woman in the photographs wrote to me. I told her that I had received such comments. She told me her beautiful story, which was included in my latest book. But she also said this: for everything you create, a third will love you, a third will hate you, and a third will be indifferent. This means doing what you love and putting your best effort into it. You must improve every day. And when you receive critical feedback, simply put it in the one-third negative basket.
Delete
I am always happy when people disagree with me. I have nothing against.
But often people are unable to express their disagreement, and it manifests itself in an unpleasant and angry form.
If I can, I delete these people. You can write “delete” in quotation marks. Sometimes it's not a critic from a blog, but someone from real life. I also delete such people. I don't talk to those who harm me.
What if it's your boss or someone you're forced to talk to? Then I am indifferent to them. I let them do what they want. I nod in greeting in the hallways. I don't kowtow or ingratiate myself to try to get them to love me. If over time these people behave well, I will start communicating with them again.
What if someone yells at you on the phone? Just say, “I need to go.” I have fallen for this, especially when I was younger, and wanted to shout back. “Why are you doing this to me?!” Such situations were very painful. But they taught me to behave differently in the future.
How to cope with surging emotions?
It's very difficult to stop hating. How to cope with attacks of anger during which you literally take your breath away? After all, it is not always possible to simply let off steam or throw out your feelings directly on the object of hatred.
The following will help reduce the intensity of negative experiences and curb them:
- distraction from thoughts, switching attention;
- creativity, because hatred can be expressed in drawing, in music;
- sports: running or boxing, a person splashes out his anger;
- deep breathing, counting to yourself to 10 and exhaling forcefully during a sudden attack of anger;
- writing stories or keeping a diary, which describes in detail the sensations experienced and their reasons;
- frank conversation with a loved one;
- seeking help when possible.
It is difficult to predict what exactly will help curb hatred. This is largely determined by who exactly the person experiences strong negativity towards. If the object of hostility is a work colleague, then it makes sense to seek help from your superiors and achieve a division in the schedule or a transfer to another room.
But what about those who hate their own family members? The best options in such a situation would be sports, painting or music. If we are talking about hatred between brothers or sisters, then if you have a normal relationship with your parents, you can turn to them for help.
You need to understand that taking control of your negative emotions is an extremely difficult task. There are no universal ways to stop hating. What helped one person will be useless to another. Sometimes it is possible to cope with negative feelings only with help from a psychologist.
Hate is contagious
Someone once tweeted, “James Altucher = #humangarbage.” I don't know why this tweet appeared. I don't know who this person is. But for a moment I got angry. I didn't follow the previous advice.
I found this man on the Internet. He works for AOL. I tried to figure out how to fire him. He made 1 tweet and started 1000 thoughts in my head.
The worst thing you can do to your body is to stick a knife into it. Anger is an emotional stab to the emotional body. Some religions say that you should show compassion to your enemies. I don't know. It's really difficult.
The best I can do is admit that I don't know this person, and that any additional thought is another way to stab myself. If I do this, the infection spreads inside me, consuming me. I don't like cutting myself with a knife.
Resistance is futile
Let's say someone has a reason to hate you, but it's easy to disprove. For example, someone hates you because you're from Rhode Island, but you're actually from Canada. You might say, "But I'm from Canada." And in response you will receive: “So much the worse.”
Nobody ever changes their mind. It's difficult to change your mind. Quitting smoking is very difficult, for many it is almost impossible. Hatred is even more addictive, just imagine how difficult it is to change your mind in this case. Facts don't mean anything. Self-defense only makes things worse (see the 24-hour rule).
Even the history of friendship means nothing. You can say: We've been friends for 20 years. Are you really going to let this come between us?” The answer is yes. Because people can't help themselves. Because there is some kind of fear in them. Because there is some kind of fear in you. And they will never get back together.
Causes
Misanthropy is a disease that does not arise out of nowhere. Certain factors contribute to the accumulation of negativity and the formation of unpleasant attitudes. It will take a lot of mental effort to cope with the consequences. Hatred towards people is often a reflection of an incorrect lifestyle, the result of some unfavorable events. It would seem, where does hatred of people come from despite outward prosperity? They need to be understood in detail in order to notice the origins of the formation of obvious disadvantage. Sometimes people don't want to admit to themselves that difficulties exist. Such a game easily turns into self-deception, since the individual feeds his pride and does not want to concentrate on solving everyday problems.
Childhood trauma
When family relationships do not work out, a person often withdraws into himself. Strict parents sometimes cause significant emotional wounds, sometimes without even knowing it. The child is left alone with his sorrows. He gradually gets used to the fact that at the right moment no one will take pity on him, caress him, or say a kind word. The result is severe disappointment in people. It seems that since those closest to you deceive and betray, then in principle you can’t trust anyone. In this approach, a person seeks complacency and justifies his own inaction. Childhood traumas can live in the soul for a long time, poisoning life. Sometimes we are not even aware of them, because we are too busy with worries and selfish views. But how much we don’t notice! As a result, life is wasted, without joys, emotions and everyday good impressions.
Excessive sensitivity
There are people who are naturally hypersensitive. They often find themselves deeply impressed by the most everyday events. Excessive sensitivity affects how a person builds relationships and communicates with relatives and colleagues. One careless word can make a huge impression, contribute to increasing tension and the growth of conflict. That’s why one can read wariness in one’s gaze, and one can see aloofness in one’s behavior. Closeness in interaction is reflected in other areas of life: personal life does not work out, problems arise at work, numerous fears and psychological barriers arise. Coping with all this is quite difficult, especially when you don’t fully understand what exactly is happening.
Miseducation
If parents pay little attention to the child’s personal development, then he develops a feeling of personal insecurity. It seems that the world is cruel and unfair to the extreme. The result is wariness, detachment and reluctance to engage in conversation. When people focus too much on negative experiences, they end up getting nothing done. They lose the necessary supply of energy and stop believing in their own prospects. As a response, isolation, unsociability, and complete reluctance to engage in normal everyday life arise.
Developed intelligence
The smarter a person is, the more critical thinking he develops. Psychologists note this pattern. The ability to notice the shortcomings of others comes to the fore. An attack of misanthropy can happen suddenly and confuse you, depriving you of significant prospects. Developed intelligence manifests itself in the need to criticize, analyze and question every individual action. There is also a danger that a person begins to be proud of the education he has received, the things he has acquired, the fact that he knows several foreign languages and reads philosophical literature freely.
Dissatisfaction with your life
If you fail to achieve something significant in life, then a feeling of disappointment comes. It seems that nothing good will happen anymore, since external events are not encouraging anyway. Dissatisfaction with life is a good reason to withdraw into yourself and stop paying attention to how the people around you behave. Experiencing deep disappointment, a person often discovers a need to withdraw and stop reacting to events in the outside world. It often occurs to people to start blaming other people for their own failures. This happens instinctively, because there is no other way to act despite the prevailing circumstances.
Soul emptiness
Emotional problems greatly affect the ability to empathize. Spiritual emptiness leads to limited perception. A person withdraws from the everyday bustle and stops all communication with people. If someone turns to him with a request or advice, it only causes irritation. There is no incentive for action, there are no skills for social interaction. When a feeling of hopelessness gnaws at you, the need arises to run far away and never face aggravating conditions.
Time cures
Hate cannot last forever. Often it turns into a slow simmer. The sun, which was so bright during the day, turns into a purple haze and dark orange at sunset. This doesn't mean you and your haters are friends now. It simply means that the open wound will finally heal, leaving a small scar and a memory, but nothing more. It doesn't matter if a betrayer, an ex-spouse, an ex-lover, or a blog commenter hates you. It is important to learn how to reduce time.
Some people experience hatred, anger, bitterness and regret for years. Sometimes a lifetime is not enough to heal wounds. It's a waste of life. Of course, she also has a right to exist. No one is forcing you to live a meaningful life; you can safely waste it. And since more people will hate you every time you stick your head out of the sand (which I hope you do), you will have many opportunities to ruin your life. Enjoy them.
Sometimes (but not always), people hating you means you're stepping out of your comfort zone. You create and grow. But I hope that your wounds are healing faster and faster. In fact, I wrote this post for myself. I hope that my wounds are also healing faster every day.
In response to hate, I try to use these techniques and learn more about myself. If I can’t learn anything new, I try not to hurt myself. If I succeed, I try to be grateful and move on to the next stage where I find love, creativity and satisfaction.
