In his life, a person often faces aggression, inexplicable attacks, criticism and hatred from strangers, close friends and even relatives. If you react to all this, you can ruin your life, says James Altucher, a famous American trader, investor, entrepreneur and writer, author of many books on self-development and personal growth. T&P translated an article from his blog about how to deal with those who can't stand you.
Making strangers hate yourself is very easy: just have your own opinion, be creative and be yourself.
Anyone can become your hater: a relative, friend, colleague, teacher, boss, or just a stranger on the street or on the Internet. Former friends can unexpectedly become enemies. You need to know what to do in such situations. Most haters are invisible, anonymous, and they try to get inside your head because they have such a unique way of communicating. Example: Someone recently reviewed my audiobook.
“This is just terrible... an author should never read his own books out loud again. He has a lazy, mumbled way of speaking that makes it very difficult to believe what he says. There seems to be no interest in his voice, as if it is a burden for him to convey these valuable sprouts of knowledge to us, poor unfortunate listeners.”
I don't look for compliments. Some people like my audiobook, some don't. Once at school, in the 7th grade, we were reading a book out loud, and when it was my turn, one girl said: “Oh no! Just not his voice...” Maybe she left a review? Whatever we do in life, some will hate us, others will laugh or gossip, others will attack from behind, some will take money or try to destroy our reputation, some will threaten, tease or intimidate.
So listen up: There are rules to help you beat the haters, anonymous, virtual and real, among your colleagues, family and those you love.
It's complicated. I don't always succeed, but I'm gradually improving. And when I manage to follow these rules, the results in my life improve. I hope it works out for you too.
The problem is the hater himself
It's a little cliche, but it's true. Behind any anger there is fear.
He who hates is at the same time afraid of something. This doesn't mean you have to say, "Poor thing, he's just afraid." But it is worth noting this fact for yourself.
For example, in the example above, the woman who wrote the review said “poor unfortunate listeners.” Perhaps she is afraid of being poor and unhappy, which is why she hears these words from everywhere. This is her life problem.
Often people say: "Don't worry, they're just jealous." Maybe. Or maybe not. We can't read their minds. It’s none of my business why someone has one opinion or another about me.
But something is happening in the lives of these people that causes fear. And this fear is expressed in aggression towards you. They are projecting their own fear onto you. For a short time you turn into the monster that was inside them. Anger is simply fear released.
The dangers of adolescence
Body dysmorphic disorder is more common among teenagers. There are quite a lot of prerequisites for this. These are, first of all, hormonal changes and physical, unusual sensations of your own body. The next factor is intellectual development, which is also undergoing changes. Teenagers change the way they think and perceive. Individual consciousness is replaced by social consciousness, which affects such important aspects as the definition of a social role and self-esteem.
The teenager does not understand and analyze his changes well. P.B. Gannushkin said that these shifts make the teenager clumsy, but at the same time give a feeling of growing strength and a feeling of acute dissatisfaction with himself.
This problem was expressed illustratively by L.N. Tolstoy in the trilogy “Childhood”, “Adolescence”, “Youth”. He describes the period of adolescence as follows: “I was shy by nature. But the conviction of my own ugliness exaggerated my modesty. I am convinced that a person's appearance has a dramatic influence on him. Or rather, his confidence in his attractiveness or unattractiveness.”
In adolescence, highlighting individual flaws in one's own appearance is common. But, unlike dysmorphophobia, healthy teenagers do not make this problem the center of their nature. As a result, it goes away on its own as the child grows up.
The problem is also with you
I don't even think about many of my haters. But some people manage to push the right buttons. Some randomly get into my soul. Or not by chance. Like, for example, a relative who knows exactly which buttons to press. If someone finds the right button, I get angry and defensive. But it's not because people said something terrible about me. But because under the thick armor of anger lies my fear that they might be right. I may not even admit it to myself. After all, they were the ones who raised the knife first, so I can blame them for everything. But in reality it turns out that I myself continue to thrust this “knife” into myself.
Let's take the same example again. I pulled it out from hundreds of other examples, not because it is particularly unpleasant. I just realized that then I could tell the story of how a girl in 7th grade made fun of my voice. Maybe I'm just really worried that I have a strange voice. It's important to note this for yourself.
When you constantly notice things to yourself, you at least separate those things from the endless stream of thoughts. You remember them and store them separately in your head. Therefore, it will be easier to recognize and deal with them in the future. Or maybe it will even help you learn more about yourself.
How to recognize a misanthrope
A misanthrope differs from other people by characteristic features. These include:
- Individualism. Having placed your “ego” on a high pedestal, you need to remember the need to adhere to certain limits of what is permitted, so as not to become a modern Pechorin or Childe Harold. The misanthrope does not remember this.
Philosophers considered manifestations of misanthropy as a manifestation of extreme individualism, the opposition of the individual to society. This behavior can become a kind of philosophical guideline and meaning of life.
- Protest against society. You shouldn’t blindly follow the norms imposed by society, because being a puppet is not the best way to express yourself. But the misanthrope so clearly experiences negative feelings and contempt for his surroundings that it cannot be ignored.
- Nihilism. The misanthrope is skeptical about the norms accepted in society, sarcastically ridiculing them. This also applies to religious movements.
- Pessimism. The misanthrope is bored communicating with people, and he does not hide it. Moreover, he... more depressed in understanding life and events.
- Enjoying your own characteristics. The misanthrope does not consider himself a flawed person, he loves himself and enjoys hating people.
It is important to understand that the enjoyment of one's own individuality does not extend to cases where the misanthrope also experiences hatred for himself. In this case, there can be no talk of pleasure.
- Unsociability and caution in choosing acquaintances. Misanthropes do not surround themselves with friends and relatives because they like to be alone with themselves.
- There is no detection of extreme aggression. Misanthropes are not aggressive, but they despise people.
How is a misanthrope different from a sociopath?
Misanthropy cannot be equated with sociopathy. The latter is a serious type of mental disorder, while misanthropy for the most part is a specific form of worldview. A misanthrope is a person who does not like people.
Sociopaths lack the ability to empathize and sympathize with people. They are capable of doing bad things without thinking that they are doing harm to anyone. When making decisions, they take into account only their own desires, ignoring the interests of others. The misanthrope, on the contrary, behaves conscientiously and responsibly, taking into account the interests of others and acting fairly towards them.
The only thing in which misanthropes are similar to sociopaths is their belief in their exclusivity. They perceive people as a faceless gray mass, but do not see themselves as flawless and perceive their shortcomings critically.
Svetlana Kovalenko
Psychologist, clinical psychologist
Ask a Question
We have already told you earlier that the perception of misanthropy only as a certain type of behavior and worldview is not correct. Misanthropy can be a consequence of a person's weed. For example, a person was often offended, humiliated, betrayed. As a result, he has a psychological problem that does not allow him to feel healthy and happy. Hence, misanthropy is a way of closing oneself from the negative experience of the past in order to prevent it from being repeated in the present. Therefore, I believe that a misanthrope is also a person with psychological trauma or disorder.
How does a misanthrope differ from an introvert?
The misanthrope hates people, and the introvert only feels uncomfortable in society, but does not consider it necessary to waste energy on negativity.
An introvert and his behavior is associated with being more comfortable alone than in society. But this does not mean that the introvert avoids people. He can maintain strong social connections, communicate in a team, etc. An introvert is only behavioral characteristics, that is, modesty, reluctance to attract undue attention to oneself, shyness in a new social group, etc.
The misanthrope is not distinguished by a quiet and modest disposition. On the contrary, his views are aggressive and defiant. His recluse manifests itself in hatred of others without exception.
A misanthrope, a social phobe and an introvert are completely different personalities that cannot be identified with each other
24 hour rule
If someone attacks you, you may experience negative emotions. If attacks happen in public, then other people may also experience unpleasant emotions. They might think, “Jane said that about James, so he must be an idiot.” Attacks can also be part of office politics or personal relationships.
The 24 hour rule works in almost any case. If you do not respond to the first attack, it will disappear within 24 hours. But if you answer at least once, reset the timer. It will take another 24 hours for the aggression to subside in the web of human communication. That's why some conflicts last for years. Participants react to each other's attacks, and all this continues until one of the opponents dies. And according to Onion magazine, the mortality rate in the world remains stable at 100%.
Signs of misanthropy
A misanthrope is recognized by the following characteristics:
- Avoidance of society.
- Distrust and contempt for people.
- Arrogance.
- Careful selection of friends.
- Desire to stay away from others.
However, in order to more accurately understand how to distinguish a misanthrope from other people, let's take a closer look at some of the signs of misanthropy.
Human vices irritate me
Hatred for people fills the heart of a misanthrope. He negatively perceives those around him, as if they have no virtues, and only have vices that irritate him catastrophically. Moreover, a misanthrope can be irritated by those qualities of a person that are present in him. For him this does not play a significant role.
The main characteristic of a misanthrope is irritation with almost all features of human behavior.
Dislike for people's weaknesses
A pronounced dislike for the weaknesses of others leads the misanthrope to gradual alienation from society and loneliness. The misanthrope imagines himself to be a strong and strong-willed person, as well as distinguished by a special individuality. Therefore, he can treat the manifestation of weaknesses by people with a special degree of cynicism.
Limiting communication
Limitation in communication leads a person to a gradual loss of social connections, when selfish needs become paramount. The misanthrope sees no purpose in communicating with the “gray masses.” He considers himself better than others.
Need for protected space
The need for a protected space arises due to a person’s inability to create meaningful relationships. A misanthrope isolates himself from everything that can cause mental pain and disappointment.
The listed signs will help you identify a misanthrope in yourself and in your environment.
Rule 30/30/30
I had several posts where I used the same illustration found on the Internet: a woman doing yoga on the beach. I've been criticized for always using pictures of sexy women. I was also criticized for using these photographs without attribution.
Then the woman in the photographs wrote to me. I told her that I had received such comments. She told me her beautiful story, which was included in my latest book. But she also said this: for everything you create, a third will love you, a third will hate you, and a third will be indifferent. This means doing what you love and putting your best effort into it. You must improve every day. And when you receive critical feedback, simply put it in the one-third negative basket.
Famous misanthropes
Among the famous people susceptible to misanthropy were many philosophers and thinkers.
Schopenhauer hated the world, yet his work is still in demand, even though it has passed through the centuries. Jean Jacques Rousseau had a bad character, but gave the world many of his works. Nietzsche treated fundamental cultural and moral concepts with contempt and mercilessly criticized religion, but the whole world reads him. Unsociability and the desire to limit contact with people led Przhevalsky to study animals, and Tchaikovsky to write many talented works. The publicity of the acting profession did not in any way affect the misanthropy of Bill Murray.
However, history also contains examples that reflect the destructive side of misanthropy. Adolf Hitler openly hated certain human qualities, so he wanted to purify humanity and create a better race. The methods by which Stalin acted are also far from philanthropy.
Philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer - one of the most famous misanthropes in history
Delete
I am always happy when people disagree with me. I have nothing against.
But often people are unable to express their disagreement, and it manifests itself in an unpleasant and angry form.
If I can, I delete these people. You can write “delete” in quotation marks. Sometimes it's not a critic from a blog, but someone from real life. I also delete such people. I don't talk to those who harm me.
What if it's your boss or someone you're forced to talk to? Then I am indifferent to them. I let them do what they want. I nod in greeting in the hallways. I don't kowtow or ingratiate myself to try to get them to love me. If over time these people behave well, I will start communicating with them again.
What if someone yells at you on the phone? Just say, “I need to go.” I have fallen for this, especially when I was younger, and wanted to shout back. “Why are you doing this to me?!” Such situations were very painful. But they taught me to behave differently in the future.
Help from a psychologist
It’s good when there is a loved one with whom you can share your experiences, who will understand and listen. More often than not, situations associated with childhood are so difficult, sometimes even catastrophic, that it is not possible to decide to tell or share with a friend.
Psychologists note that relationships with parents are one of the most frequent requests lately. Treatment of childhood injuries sometimes takes months or even years, depending on the severity of the situation.
Having worked through your grievances and hatred, you can get rid of negativity, from wrong attitudes, and find the answer to the question: “How to forgive your parents?” A specialist will help determine causes and consequences and choose the appropriate work method. Your life is in your hands.
The information presented in this material is for informational purposes only and does not replace professional advice from a physician. If you feel resentment and hatred towards your parents and it gnaws at you, consult a specialist!
Author: Anna Zabrovskaya
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Tags: psychological state psychologist online problems with self-esteem low self-esteem how to increase self-esteem how to become happy test locus of control test motivation approval
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Hate is contagious
Someone once tweeted, “James Altucher = #humangarbage.” I don't know why this tweet appeared. I don't know who this person is. But for a moment I got angry. I didn't follow the previous advice.
I found this man on the Internet. He works for AOL. I tried to figure out how to fire him. He made 1 tweet and started 1000 thoughts in my head.
The worst thing you can do to your body is to stick a knife into it. Anger is an emotional stab to the emotional body. Some religions say that you should show compassion to your enemies. I don't know. It's really difficult.
The best I can do is admit that I don't know this person, and that any additional thought is another way to stab myself. If I do this, the infection spreads inside me, consuming me. I don't like cutting myself with a knife.
Books about misanthropes
There is a lot of literature that talks about misanthropy, the nuances of the life of misanthropes. Here are some of these books:
- I. Edelfeldt, “Contemplating Dogs.” The hero of the novel is characterized by unsociability. He chooses to communicate not with people, but with dogs. The novel is a letter written by the hero for his psychiatrist.
- G. Hesse, “Steppenwolf”. The novel explores the psychology of a person in search of himself. He is critical of society, but is torn between the human and animal principles.
- D. Gorchev, “The Wild Life of Gondwana.” The book contains misanthropic stories, absurd situations and black humor.
In Russian classics you can also find images of misanthropic heroes. Thus, Bazarov from Turgenev’s work “Fathers and Sons” was defined by the author as a nihilist. However, in his behavior one can see signs of a misanthrope.
Resistance is futile
Let's say someone has a reason to hate you, but it's easy to disprove. For example, someone hates you because you're from Rhode Island, but you're actually from Canada. You might say, "But I'm from Canada." And in response you will receive: “So much the worse.”
Nobody ever changes their mind. It's difficult to change your mind. Quitting smoking is very difficult, for many it is almost impossible. Hatred is even more addictive, just imagine how difficult it is to change your mind in this case. Facts don't mean anything. Self-defense only makes things worse (see the 24-hour rule).
Even the history of friendship means nothing. You can say: We've been friends for 20 years. Are you really going to let this come between us?” The answer is yes. Because people can't help themselves. Because there is some kind of fear in them. Because there is some kind of fear in you. And they will never get back together.
Causes of misanthropy
The main causes of misanthropy are:
- psychological trauma received in childhood can contribute to a loss of faith in humanity;
- poor upbringing, when parents were unable to give the child information about the nuances of interaction with people and life in society;
- developed intelligence, allowing you to instantly see narrow-minded people.
Let's look at each reason in more detail.
Hard childhood
When a child is severely punished for misdeeds, he may become disciplined, but will begin to think that a person cannot be imperfect. Having matured and discovered the imperfection of the world, he will begin to feel contempt for people, perceiving them as stupid and irresponsible.
Our traumas come from childhood
Svetlana Kovalenko
Psychologist, clinical psychologist
Ask a Question
Surely, you have heard more than once that all our adult problems come from childhood. And indeed it is. The way we were treated, what we felt and heard as children leaves an imprint on the formation of our entire personality. Often, if a child was suppressed by his parents in childhood and his opinion was not taken into account, then he ends up in the same relationship in adulthood. He transfers his family model to his life. This is how a person becomes a victim in a relationship, ends up in an abusive relationship, etc.
The same applies to misanthropy. Bullying, humiliation, misunderstanding are the reasons for hatred towards people. That is why a person may feel the desire to isolate himself from the whole world.
High intelligence
Intellectuals who, having high intelligence, understand that there are few smart people in the world often become misanthropes. Geniuses often show disturbances in the construction of social life. In fact, they know too much and think on too high topics to perceive this world simply.
Miseducation
Wanting to make the child ideal, parents instill in him decency and responsibility, but do not explain that people are different. Becoming a maximalist, a young man expects people to conform to his ideas, but is convinced of the opposite and becomes a misanthrope.
This reason can also be considered as a factor of “difficult childhood”. The values that our parents instill in us are subsequently the foundations of our lives. Correcting them is quite difficult - only through long-term therapy and awareness of one’s own personality.
Betrayal of loved ones
Often a person who has experienced betrayal, especially repeated betrayal, becomes a misanthrope. Over time, he comes to the conviction that he can only trust himself.
Betrayal and deception become the causes of conscious and acquired misanthropy
Disappointment in people
Disappointment sometimes causes depression and, as a result, can form misanthropic views. Especially when a person is constantly disappointed in people. Such factors cannot but negatively affect the formation of personality.
Dissatisfaction with your life
Dissatisfaction with one's own life can be a good reason for a person to withdraw into himself and stop paying attention to the behavior of other people. Deeply disappointed, a person may stop reacting to what is happening in the outside world.
In this case, there is a rather fine line between misanthropy, depression and their combination. Therefore, it is necessary to diagnose with a specialist what caused this behavior in a person.
Soul emptiness
Mental emptiness narrows perception: a person withdraws from the world and stops communicating with people. When other people address him, he begins to become irritated, the incentive to act disappears, and his social communication skills become dull. Here we are talking specifically about depression, as well as chronic depression. Such conditions definitely need treatment.
Important: if you observe a loss of strength, a lack of desire to do something, a meaningless existence and cannot get out of this state on your own, contact a psychotherapist. He will diagnose the causes of this condition, and in extreme cases, prescribe medications to help you get out of depression.
Special sensitivity of character
There are sensitive, so-called “thin-skinned” natures, with strong impressionability and instability. All the time faced with the imperfections of society, they prefer to distance themselves from it and not allow strangers to approach them. Hateful contact with society only leads to irritation.
Mental illness
Scientists have found that misanthropes have a high risk of developing dementia. In addition, there is a relationship between certain types of mental illness and misanthropy, although it cannot be said that the latter is the cause of these disorders. For the most part, it is their consequence or symptom. Thus, misanthropy can have a negative impact on health.
The causes of misanthropic behavior are multifaceted - from trauma and upbringing to psychological disorders.
Time cures
Hate cannot last forever. Often it turns into a slow simmer. The sun, which was so bright during the day, turns into a purple haze and dark orange at sunset. This doesn't mean you and your haters are friends now. It simply means that the open wound will finally heal, leaving a small scar and a memory, but nothing more. It doesn't matter if a betrayer, an ex-spouse, an ex-lover, or a blog commenter hates you. It is important to learn how to reduce time.
Some people experience hatred, anger, bitterness and regret for years. Sometimes a lifetime is not enough to heal wounds. It's a waste of life. Of course, she also has a right to exist. No one is forcing you to live a meaningful life; you can safely waste it. And since more people will hate you every time you stick your head out of the sand (which I hope you do), you will have many opportunities to ruin your life. Enjoy them.
Sometimes (but not always), people hating you means you're stepping out of your comfort zone. You create and grow. But I hope that your wounds are healing faster and faster. In fact, I wrote this post for myself. I hope that my wounds are also healing faster every day.
In response to hate, I try to use these techniques and learn more about myself. If I can’t learn anything new, I try not to hurt myself. If I succeed, I try to be grateful and move on to the next stage where I find love, creativity and satisfaction.
How to communicate with a misanthrope?
We have already found out that misanthropes are quite difficult people to understand and communicate with. Therefore, we can recommend the following tips for communicating with a misanthrope:
- avoid heated discussions and disputes;
- try not to touch upon topics of a social and moral nature;
- If you see that the person is not in the mood to communicate, reschedule the conversation;
- gain the misanthrope’s trust in order to establish contact with him;
- You shouldn’t be negative, otherwise you risk causing the misanthrope’s aggression.
To communicate with a misanthrope, you need to understand him and not be excessively negative
