Codependent relationships: how to recognize and get out of them

How to recognize a codependent relationship: Pixabay Codependent relationships cannot bring happiness to partners. Emotional stress in such a union can harm a person and lead to complex diseases. Leading experts in the field of human relationships will help you understand what codependent relationships are, what their danger is and how to find a way out.

Content

• Types of codependent relationships
• Signs of a codependent relationship
• Codependent relationships psychology
• Codependent relationships in the family of an alcoholic
• Leaving a codependent relationship. Test for codependent relationships
• How to get out of a codependent relationship with an alcoholic

There are many definitions of codependent relationships.
We will try to convey the full significance of codependent relationships in simple words in this article. Perhaps you will highlight useful information for yourself and be able to find a solution by getting out of such a relationship or setting it up in the right direction. Previously, this term was used only in cases where one person was in a relationship with another addicted to alcohol, drugs or any other addiction. Now the term “codependent relationship” is used in a broader concept. In any case, this is an inappropriate attachment of one person to another using guardianship, control, power and demandingness. Moreover, the roles are different every time.

Dependency can be emotional, physical, or even financial. Nowadays, wherever you look, in some relationships a person controls another, and the other obeys. In other relationships or families, someone definitely wants to save the alcoholic, because “it will be better for him.” It’s even worse if he has already taken action and started adding some drugs to the food. Thus, he can simply kill a loved one even without even meaning to. In third families, someone always feels like a hero, “saving” their loved one. In the fourth family there is a tyrant or abuser - a person who humiliates and terrorizes another loved one, beating him or subjugating him to his will. All this, and much more, applies to codependent relationships.

That is, a codependent person has an irresistible desire to control another person. This is the definition of a “codependent relationship” in simple terms. Let's look a little more closely. Perhaps you already recognize yourself in a similar way of acting or can understand it thanks to our short article.

Types of codependent relationships

It is generally accepted that there are only three models of such relationships: the role of a rescuer, the role of a victim, and the role of a persecutor. But progress does not stand still, let's look at the 4 main types of relationships. Surely, you are already familiar with them from personal examples. If not, then you will find the information interesting to think about.

FIRST VIEW. Lack of balance. One partner only takes, without giving anything in return. This is a common behavior pattern in the modern world. All responsibility lies with one of the partners. And the second person constantly demands confirmation of his ideality and importance. That is, in the first type of codependent relationship, the mirror model of behavior prevails.

Do you know this phrase: “My light, mirror, tell me...”? A codependent person in this relationship is one who demands and constantly waits for words of gratitude, praise, satisfaction of his own desires, first of all, confirmation of his perfection. If he is unable to achieve the desired effect through pressure, scandals, and manipulation, then he simply finds a new “mirror”, choosing a new partner. Recognize someone from this type of codependent relationship? Perhaps so.

SECOND TYPE. This is a relationship with physical and emotional abuse of one of the partners. We won’t talk about physical violence now; here, everything is intuitively clear. “He hits, it means he loves” - this proverb is, after all, apropos and familiar to many. And “tyrant and victim” is precisely about such a relationship.

Let's take a closer look at emotional abuse . This is much more important.

We all often notice this when one of the partners says: “You always think only about yourself,” and his gaze becomes cold. At this moment they tell us that they don’t want to do it our way. This is called “Cold and Ignore” in codependent relationships.

Or, for example, when one person causes guilt in another: “Are you in a bad mood again? As usual!" Or another example: “You misunderstood everything! I told you so…” This is also one of the models of emotional impact on a codependent person.

Another manipulation: “First blackmail, then positive action.” That is, at first the partner causes only negative emotions: guilt, sense of duty, shame. And then he gives something very pleasant, showing tenderness and care. Thus, it teaches the victim not to resist negative actions, but to get used to it. Again, the saying “carrot and stick” is very appropriate here. Although not quite in the right ratio.

Another model of “tyranny and sacrifice” behavior is when a partner punishes you by disappearing. And when he comes again, he morally and with hints forces you to guess on your own what, supposedly, is the whole reason. And the codependent in this case is obliged to beg for forgiveness. Have you seen something like this?

And another model when the partner is a victim. In this case, a person turns the situation to his advantage by turning the facts around. He will definitely do everything so that the other person, without even realizing what is happening, begins to think that he is, in fact, wrong, but guilty.

The meaning of the listed codependent relationships is in the subordination and tendency of the partner to submit, depriving the will of the second partner.

THIRD TYPE. Avoiding. This model is that a person perceives the world as cruel and is constantly looking somewhere or in someone for refuge, shelter, refuge.

He runs from problems instead of solving them. For him, the boss is always tough. People are cruel and unfair. And the relatives don’t understand. In such relationships, one of the partners needs protection, and the other is strong and protective. In such relationships there are often partners who are “weak” and “strong”.

In the third type of codependency, often a codependent relationship with an alcoholic , one partner deprives the other of the needs. Usually partners or relatives (which happens at every step) begin to take care of them and consider themselves stronger, smarter, and more responsible.

Codependents have a strong desire to help their partner and make decisions for him. “ I know what will be better ” and “ He can’t cope without me ” are the most favorite phrases and thoughts for such people. And it seems like this is a good intention - to help their loved one stop drinking, but by adding all sorts of medications, they do not understand that they are harming their loved one even more. In such situations, the best way would be to contact a psychologist or narcologist in a clinic.

If you make decisions for an alcoholic or drug addict, the result will not be positive. This has been proven for decades. A dependent person must independently decide to renounce the captivating habit. But every codependent person can help a loved one who is dependent. By turning to specialists, each party will be able to understand how to act to achieve a positive result. Of course, if the addict has doubts or is highly indecisive, then motivational conversations with an experienced doctor in this field will help.

FOURTH TYPE. Substitute. When one partner independently gives up his needs for the benefit of the other.

A strong partner “dissolves” in an accomplice, denying himself his own desires and boundaries. The second partner is the best for him: he is smarter, stronger, more beautiful, more interesting, smarter, and so on. Thus, a codependent person devotes himself and his life to the second. He uses such phrases and thinks in a similar way: “Without him I am nothing,” “I live only for him,” “He is the whole meaning of my life.”

The whole truth of life for a codependent is only in the interests and values ​​of the second partner. The desires of the second are the law. A codependent does not have any desires, his own goals and views, opinions and motivations. And this codependent person shifts responsibility to the second partner, the dependent. No matter how paradoxical it may sound. It's like playing a weak child and a strong adult.

Where does codependency come from?

This type of relationship is typical for people who grew up in not the most prosperous families. We are talking not only about situations where one of the adults drank, a child was beaten and an unhealthy environment reigned at home. Children of authoritarian parents, those who were overprotected, and those who grew up with seriously ill relatives are prone to codependency. Such a person has problems with his own boundaries, does not have a clear idea of ​​\u200b\u200bhis “I”, and he easily dissolves in his partner.

Julia Hill

As a rule, it does not happen that one person is prone to codependency, and his partner is not. People initially, by subtle signs, identify and find a person who will allow them to serve their mental needs in a relationship. For example, the son of an overbearing mother will probably choose a woman who is not like his parent: quiet, modest, flexible. It is she who will subsequently become the victim, and he - the domestic tyrant, jealous, controlling, criticizing.

Or the daughter of an alcoholic will pay attention to a strong, responsible man, and then their relationship will be based on a struggle for power. Or, on the contrary, for an intelligent person who is helpless in everyday life, and then she will become a “savior mother” for him. Both scenarios with the daughter of an alcoholic have every chance of ending in the husband’s drunkenness.

Signs of a codependent relationship

If we rely on the direction of our clinic, then, of course, it must be said that codependency in alcoholism and drug addiction, as well as other correlations, plays an important role in such relationships. A codependent person in such a relationship tries to solve the problem of his loved one’s alcoholism: he tries to shield his behavior, or solves his problems. At the same time, alcoholism or drug addiction worsens, and the alcoholic or drug addict begins to shift all the blame onto the codependent. He begins to accuse him of:

• it is his fault that he drinks or uses intoxicating substances
• drives you crazy or doesn’t slow down in time

Codependents here are precisely close relatives who are trying to help without permission and who have fallen under the influence of an alcoholic or a drugged neighbor.

In this case, both need help.

Signs include:

• Desire to care for an addict
• Tolerating his unacceptable behavior
• Feeling guilty
• Denial of the problem
• Depression or apathy
• Elimination of social contacts with the outside world
• Excessive responsibility and desire to help
• Non-existent or invented sacrifice

If you notice that you are beginning to obey the interests of someone addicted to chemicals, ethanol or other substances, contact a clinic where they can help you. Indeed, often, not understanding how to cope with such an illness, codependents begin to use alcohol, drugs and other poisons with them.

If there are signs in your family, you need psychological help, but you have not been able to cope on your own, then there is always the possibility of harm.

The 12-step program can also be a way out of codependent relationships. This is one of the methods that helps to cope with the problem of codependent relationships. But he's not the only one. Our specialists conduct anonymous meetings and telephone conversations, maintaining complete confidentiality. Care is the key to the success of the Inpramed clinic in St. Petersburg.

Find ten differences

We have already written that codependent people do not have a clear idea of ​​personal boundaries. But it is their stability that allows the individual to develop and realize himself. Our boundaries provide security for what is at the core of our self-identity.

Psychological boundaries separate “self” and “others” into different domains. Let's look at a few examples of how the attitudes of codependent and independent people differ.

Codependent relationships psychology

Let us tell you a real and very sad story about what ignorance about codependency in relationships and the wrong choice of treatment led to.

One girl has been trying to “help her mom stop drinking” since childhood, when her mother started drinking after her father left the family for another. It took her 28 years. This is a very long period of time, it is a third of your life. But love for her mother and pronounced codependency haunted her.

Sometimes her help helped, my mother was coded, but, as often happens, this was only a temporary effect. Mom started drinking again. After a while, she was coded again when the daughter managed to persuade her mother or force her. But again to no avail. When the daughter gave birth to a son, her mother “came to life”, she found the meaning of life in her grandson, she began to drink less often, but still did not stop. The pain from the breakup and betrayal of her husband and daughter’s father haunted her. There was no point in anything.

And it seems that now there is a reason - a grandson, so long-awaited and wonderful... But no. And when the child grew up a little, he already had his own hobbies, and the grandmother became not as in demand as she thought. She lost the meaning of life again. I started drinking alcohol again and “crashed”, starting with non-alcoholic beer.

After some time, the daughter’s hands gave up; once again she did not save her mother, she was simply tired of fighting. And on one of these days, when my mother had already stopped eating, but only drank alcohol and slept, my daughter gave her a drug that helped with a hangover. A day later, my mother passed away.

To say that this is a great pain for the daughter, who will haunt her daughter for many years to come, is an understatement. Parents are not chosen, but mother is the closest and dearest person, whose loss is irreparably difficult.

This story is real. There is a lot of pain in her. Unfortunately, we know too many such stories for more than 20 years...

If the daughter knew that there was a way out - to go to a psychologist in a drug treatment clinic together with her mother, to work through all the reasons for both of them, fears, rage, anger, misunderstanding, non-acceptance and other important feelings in such codependent relationships of close and dear people, then the result could have been completely different. She just didn’t know then that it was possible. And now you know.

Don't wait for the saddest moments in your life. Contact a psychologist at our clinic. Find a safe and correct solution.

Main reasons for the phenomenon

The causes of emotional dependence go deep into childhood. It is then that security and a sense of self-confidence are formed in relationships with parents. But there are situations when a child does not receive enough love, which leads to problems in adulthood. Most often this happens in the following cases:

• Parents are afraid or simply do not know how to show their emotions. They dress, teach, feed, buy toys, but do not talk about their feelings, do not praise for achievements. Often such parents forbid the child to show his emotions and talk about his desires.
• Children lose their parents early. One of the parents or both died at once; it is possible that they were deprived of the right to raise the child. It doesn’t matter - the child was left without main support. Other people, no matter how close they may be, will not be able to fill this void; the feeling of abandonment remains forever. It is especially difficult for children who end up in a shelter.
• Parents are immersed in work or leaving to earn money. The child feels abandoned, despite the fact that he is left with his beloved grandmother. He does not receive enough of the emotions that only mom and dad can give. Divorce also affects children, especially if one parent completely disappears from their lives.
• Relatives ignore the child's needs. The main needs of children are safety and love. They see them in the actions of their parents: when they feel sorry, support, admire victories, buy toys, read fairy tales. When a child hears: “don’t cry, you’re not little,” “wait, I don’t have time,” “it’s my own fault,” “why do you need this toy, it’s a waste of money,” he feels unnecessary and withdraws into himself.
• Parents raise a “comfortable” child. He grows up with the understanding that he must earn love: if he doesn’t do something, it means he won’t be loved. If a girl grew up in such conditions, in the future she will become a “comfortable” wife who will revolve around her husband and fulfill all his desires. She will not have her own personal life, and over time she will get bored with her husband, and he will leave her for a self-sufficient mistress.

These are the main reasons for the emergence of emotional hunger, and addicts begin to look for opportunities to “patch up” these gaps in love relationships. But no partner can give them this. From an independent person they can only receive the adult love of a man or woman.

To fill yourself with missing feelings, you will have to work on yourself. Psychologists help with this - not just to understand the reasons, but also to correctly apply the techniques created in order to get out of this vicious circle.

Codependent relationships in the family of an alcoholic

Today there are the most important questions in families where there are alcoholics or drug addicts: “What in the life of an addict creates an irresistible craving for alcohol or drugs?”

“What can relatives change, see and accept in the family system?”

“What happens to a person and the family system, why does he suffer so much?”

If after these questions you feel ready to change for the better, only an experienced doctor and a human approach to therapy will help in such a situation.

Leaving a codependent relationship. Test for codependent relationships.

In order to get out of a state of emotional dependence, answer yourself 3 questions.

• After reading the article, can you say that you are in an addictive or codependent relationship? Answer yourself as honestly as possible.
• Describe mentally or out loud what you like in such a relationship, what you don’t like, what suits you and what you expect from your partner or close relative?
• What needs do you meet in such a relationship and how can you do it differently?

After answering these questions, make correct and adult informed decisions about leaving a codependent relationship. If it doesn’t work out and you need help, you know where to turn.

You spend less time with friends and family

If you start to lose contact with people who are important to you, this is always a bad sign. This means that the focus of the relationship in the couple has shifted. Over time, you become more and more isolated from the people who value you. Of course, when you're in love, you want to spend all your time together. And often other people fall out of sight. But if it happens for too long, then it could be a warning sign. And if the relationship ends unexpectedly, you may find yourself alone. Codependent relationships involve one partner sacrificing their connections for the other. And of course you don't want that.

Advice:

spend more time with friends and family.

How to get out of a codependent relationship with an alcoholic

If your decision is to go to the clinic, then you and your loved ones can receive the following help:

• In psychotherapy, cognitive-behavioral behavior, thinking change
• Qualified and humane treatment using psychotherapy and medications
• Limit your loved one or yourself from taking alcohol and drugs
• Hypnotherapeutic treatment
• Group and individual classes, trainings and other procedures aimed at teaching a normal life without addiction and codependency
• Human attitude, unlimited time to communicate with specialists and communication with the outside world

There is also a community that brings together men and women who are focused on developing healthy relationships. This community is called Codependents Anonymous. This community is based on the example of Alcoholics Anonymous, which uses the 12-step system, slightly changing the direction from: “We admitted our helplessness to others, not to alcohol...”

To ensure the effectiveness of treatment and recovery from addiction or codependency, read the review. We provide telephone consultations anonymously, around the clock and free of charge.

You constantly feel insecure

Codependent relationships deprive you of confidence. They literally destroy the self-esteem of one or both partners. You may worry that he is cheating on you or wants to break up. And of course, a codependent partner wants to tie another person to himself in every possible way. Ask yourself: are my assumptions real? It is possible that your insecurities are the result of a codependent relationship. Healthy relationships don't require constant reassurance. And you don't have to prove your love to each other. Trust is the foundation on which normal relationships arise. And of course, this foundation can easily be destroyed by endless suspicions.

Advice:

try to trust your significant other more.