Sometimes we are haunted by a real fear of losing people close to our hearts. It is not necessary that something tragic or out of the ordinary actually happens to them. We are quite capable of replaying many things in our heads and constantly being charged with negative energy. Being in this obsessive state, a person cannot live fully. He is overwhelmed with anxiety, driven by panic and a feeling of hopelessness. Let's try to figure out this difficult issue together.
Fear of death as a norm
The reaction to danger is biologically embedded in people. Fear of death is part of the general sense of danger; it is an animal reaction. Only animals do not have fear themselves, but have an instinct for self-preservation and the preservation of their offspring. But there is no fear, because animals live one day at a time. In this they are similar to children and infantile adults. They react only to real danger in the present time, and then immediately forget about it.
When we first learn about death, we are frightened by the irreversibility, inevitability and uncertainty of this stage. Moreover, we are afraid both for ourselves and for the people who are significant to us. However, those people who value and love life, are concerned about their development, procreation and self-actualization, are more often worried about thoughts of death. No one knows how many days are allotted to achieve the goals. Fear of not being on time is the main prerequisite for the fear of death.
The problem in our society is that many people separate death from the cycle of life and perceive it as the end. And from the point of view of developmental psychology, this is another stage of the life cycle. But we don’t know for sure whether there is life after death or not. And it is this uncertainty that scares people.
I would like to note that this can only be called the end from a biological point of view. From the perspective of psychology, everything is not so simple: if a person has lived an active life, left his mark on history or the lives of individual people, then death can hardly be called the end of life.
The Negative Work of Fear
It is clear that this is an illusion. Our experiences do not help our loved ones in any way, do not give us control over the future, but they significantly worsen our lives.
- Fear consumes our mental energy, exhausts us, and it is difficult for us to engage in our own life and enjoy it.
- Fear narrows our consciousness, we stop noticing the good things in our life and the opportunities that could improve it.
- We waste time on these experiences, which no one will make up for us.
Fear of death as a pathology
Fear of death cannot be considered a pathology as long as it does not prevent a person from leading a normal way of life, as long as the person does not suffer from obsessive thoughts. Otherwise, we are talking about a clinical problem - thanatophobia.
Thanatophobia is the fear of death in the absence of a real threat. That is, the person and his family are healthy and young, their life is defined and measured, but fear and thoughts of death still breathe in their backs. This is a form of neurosis.
The reasons for the development of thanatophobia include:
- fear of losing control;
- fear of not having time to realize yourself in life, to finish what you started;
- combination of hysterical and eliptoid personality types;
- fear of losing the benefits and pleasures that exist (someone, for example, worries that they will not see the new episode of their favorite TV series);
- fear of aging;
- lack of meaning in life and related experiences;
- psychotrauma associated with a life-threatening situation or someone’s death, mass tragedy;
- suggestibility, suspiciousness and anxiety as personality traits.
The fear of the death of a loved one requires special consideration. Most often, the reason lies in the dependence of one partner on the other. If we talk about the fear of losing children, then this is due to the fear of one’s own death and dependence on the child. For most people, children are a way of self-realization, life extension, and the meaning of life.
Search for reasons
First, let's try to figure out what could provoke increased anxiety for loved ones. Of course, each person will have their own underlying reasons, which can be identified in individual work with a psychologist. But here are the two most common reasons:
- early loss of one of the parents or a painful separation that was not fully experienced. Then the fear of repetition of the traumatic event remains in the unconscious;
- lack of inner support, deep connection with oneself and personal meaning in life outside of family and relationships with others.
How to get rid of thanatophobia
The fear of death is the result of a combination of the work of the subconscious and the ability to predict and analyze the future. As we have already said, the unknown is frightening: what will happen after me and what will happen to me if someone close to me dies.
How to get rid of irrational worries:
- Turn the unknown into the known. Determine for yourself whether there is life after death. Someone finds solace in faith (just avoid cults, sects and fanaticism), someone decides to leave their mark in science and creativity.
- If you are afraid of the death of loved ones, then think about what this is connected with: fear of loneliness, psychological or material dependence on someone. If you understand that you will not physically die (you have housing, work, education), then the fear will decrease. We will never be psychologically prepared for the death of a loved one, but this is a different process and a topic for a separate article - living through a tragedy. In any case, you need to solve the problem as it arises, and not poison the present with negative fantasies. While you are together, enjoy every minute.
- Analyze the aphorism of the ancient Greek philosopher Epicurus: “Death is nothing for a person, because when we exist, death does not yet exist, and when death comes, we no longer exist.” Don’t poison your own life, but direct your energy and creative thinking in the right direction, fill every day with meaning.
- Harmonize all aspects of life, develop comprehensively. This advice is more relevant for the fear of death of loved ones. If your whole world revolves around one point, roughly speaking, you stand on one leg, then losing this support means being completely lost. And if you stand firmly on both legs, you will be able to maintain your balance even if the support is partially weakened.
- Take care of your body and soul: proper nutrition, normal sleep patterns, exercise, training and brain development. The better your condition, the more confident you are. In addition, this is an element of control that is lacking in thanatophobia: you take care of yourself, you decide what is healthy to eat, what exercises to include in your workout.
- Increase your resistance to stress, do not let the outside world manipulate you. Media, superstitions, fortune telling and horoscopes, dream books - all this can inspire fear. Most manipulations are based on the victim's fear.
- Think back to your life before you were born. Don't remember? That's it. The same thing happens at the moment of death, after it.
In conclusion, we recommend that you read our articles “How to get rid of fear - advice from a psychologist” and “How to get rid of the fear of death - advice from a psychologist.” In them you will find other ways to fight and tips.
Requests for help Write your story I'm afraid of the death of loved ones. Yesterday something came over me and a crazy hysteria began. I lay there and cried, thoughts popping into my head that my loved ones had died and I was alone. Now that fear consumes me with suffocation. I'm scared that sooner or later this will happen and I'll be left alone. I want to die because I don't want to see them die. I'm only 16 years old. My grandmother is 58, my grandfather is 60. I am afraid that sooner or later they will die and that I will not be able to stand it. I feel terribly bad and want to leave this life. I can’t change, because as soon as I start to change something in my life, negative thoughts come: What if my loved ones die? what if something bad happens? what if you die? I know that when you die, you no longer exist. This is what scares me. I'm afraid of death, I want to live, but I also want to die. I'm afraid to live, I'm afraid to be responsible, I'm afraid of change. I haven’t achieved anything because I’m afraid, and I don’t see the point in doing anything, because sooner or later the person will die. I want death to bypass my loved ones. I love them very much. I just sometimes have panic attacks, fears and I’m very suspicious. I run from everything, from people, from myself. I have absolutely no friends. I don’t even communicate with anyone on the Internet because everyone has left. In reality, there is not a single friend, not even acquaintances. It’s my own fault, but so are they... I’m afraid of death, I’m afraid of life. I won’t be able to survive the death of my loved ones... they say that you can die at any moment... it’s so scary to live, so scary to exist. I can’t go to a psychologist, because my loved ones will be against it, because for them I’m normal. But it seems to me that I will soon go crazy from loneliness, from lack of communication, from terrible thoughts. I don’t want to think about it, it just creeps into my head and I just want to stop living... Help. I’m scared, I’m scared to live... I’m afraid of death, but I’m also afraid of life, I don’t know how to continue to live...
Olga, age: 16 / 06/07/2018
Responses:
Hello Olenka. To make friends, you need to meet someone and start communicating. Take a risk and talk to someone. Close relationships are very necessary for a person. It is very important to have a friend with whom you can share your inner world. How often are you the first to start a conversation with other people? It might be worth trying this. What do you do to make contact with someone? If you simply avoid communication and wait for friendship to appear somehow by itself, you will have to wait a long time. We need to act. Do you have favorite activities? If not, it’s worth finding something for yourself, something you could do in your free time and that would bring you joy. Thoughts about death are normal, but it’s very important to learn to accept it too—accept that there is death and what comes from it you can’t run away. But while your loved ones are alive and nearby, you need to enjoy every minute spent together, speak words of love to each other more often, support each other. One way or another, death is a necessary phenomenon that concerns everyone. Whether we want it or not, it will happen. Therefore, it is important to be able to accept the inevitable with dignity and understanding, to relate to death. Accepting death reduces fear and makes our lives meaningful. What is the meaning of life if we are going to die anyway? The point is to live qualitatively every minute in love and joy, thereby benefiting at least yourself and, at maximum, others. Then, it seems to me, the number of minutes will no longer matter much. Only you yourself can set yourself up in such a way that your life acquires meaning in all its colors. Life has exactly the value we want to give it. Life is so short, there is still so much to do. How to survive if there is no meaning in life? We need to find him. Much in our life is learned by comparison. No matter how bad you feel, there will always be people who are much worse off. Often these people do not lose heart and find the strength to live on. Go to shelters, orphanages, nursing homes. Watch the self-control of the people living in these establishments. Chat with these people. Many of them have a couple or three stories that will make your hair stand on end. But they find the strength to enjoy elementary things: the sunrise, the arrival of summer, a butterfly flying through the window. Things that you didn’t notice at all before, and took for granted all your life. Perhaps we need to look at this world in a new way. Everything is in your hands, you need to study well and then act. Set goals and strive to achieve them. Create a family and live enjoying simple human happiness. Life is beautiful and multifaceted sweet. And there are so many wonderful moments, events and moments in it that are worth living for which are worth overcoming difficulties. I ask you to hold on. Read carefully and study the materials on this site and I really hope that after reading them you will rethink everything and your life will sparkle with bright colors again. God help you. Hold on!
Mulan, age: 26/06/07/2018
To some extent, your fears, of course, are common to everyone except those who believe in God. In your case, I strongly recommend contacting a psychotherapist. If you don’t have money and don’t have the opportunity to ask for it for such purposes, then start with a school psychologist: it’s free and you don’t have to inform your relatives. On the other hand, maybe you are in vain hiding your experiences from your family? Perhaps they torment you so much precisely because of the unspokenness. You may feel better if you are more open with those you love (and you are loved). A heart-to-heart conversation with loved ones sometimes really works wonders. I think your relationship will only become warmer. And you will most likely be paid for psychotherapy (or maybe the need for it will no longer be necessary after open communication with your family).
Emma, age: 21 / 06/08/2018
Hello. Olya, when health problems occur, they consult a doctor. A psychotherapist is also a doctor, just like others. Especially since you are having panic attacks, it is important to be monitored in my opinion. If your loved ones don’t understand this, then make an appointment yourself. Live in the moment. Solve problems as they arise. Unfortunately, no one is given the opportunity to live forever, but this does not mean that you need to sit down and look at one point. Live to leave behind a deep mark, good memories, good deeds. The time is not far off when you become a wife, a mother, people will appear who will be loved by you no less than your grandparents. Don't be negative. More positive emotions and everything will be fine!
Irina, age: 30 / 06/08/2018
Dear Olga, I would like to encourage you and say that 90% of our fears are nothing more than our fantasies. We are all afraid, people just hide it or try to overcome it. Don't believe that thoughts are material. This is not so, because it is not our thoughts that are material, but our actions. You love your loved ones, that's wonderful. This means that you can delight them with your presence and warm communication, good attitude, and help around the house. Joy prolongs life and improves a person’s well-being! And you also say that you have achieved nothing. But at 16 you are just starting to live! Life will still make you happy, just live in the present. Do not rush things. Live with your loved ones, do something nice for yourself and for them - and God will not leave you!
Alya, age: 27 / 06/08/2018
Hi Olga! I really sympathize with you. Just don’t despair. And don’t be afraid to go to a psychologist if you already have panic attacks, it’s really necessary. Of course, it’s unpleasant that your loved ones find out about your problems, but sooner or later they still have to find out. The sooner you tell them everything, the better it will be. https://www.pobedish.ru/main/strah https://www.pobedish.ru/main/pain https://www.pobedish.ru/main/who Look here. You can still find friends, but before you start, you need to understand yourself. Try to understand the reasons for your fears. Of course, if you imagine that after death you cease to exist, then there is a reason for fear. But, fortunately, the soul is immortal) And the Lord wants you to be happy forever) You can ask the Lord for help) God created you as a wonderful person, He loves you very much and will never leave you) Ask Him for help more often and it will become easier for you )God is always with you) I wish you the meaning of life, more patience and strength, good relationships in the family, success in studies, good health, always a good mood, happiness, more love, joy and peace in life and all the best! Hold on, God will help you! Guardian Angel to you! Hugs!
Anastasia, age: 20 / 06/11/2018
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PETS
“My question may seem stupid to you, but I am very worried whether I did the right thing. My old dog had cancer. And I put her to sleep, now I regret it. I was tormented by my conscience, how could I take the life of a living creature. I remember her eyes all the time. It was as if she felt it was the end. She was very devoted to me, and I betrayed her.
Lyudmila, 25 years old"
The death of a pet is sometimes extremely painful, and owners go through similar stages of grief. It is especially difficult when they have to make the decision themselves that their pet should be euthanized. Owners who have made a difficult decision and are experiencing it need to think that perhaps if the animal could speak, it itself would ask you about it.
Apparently, it lived a happy life next to you; euthanasia in this case was not a betrayal, but only a release from torment. It found a quick, painless death, the best of deaths, given the diagnosis. Experiences indicate that you made this difficult decision with love for your pet, wanting to save him from suffering. Now, to help ease the pain, do something in memory of the animal. You can, for example, buy something for a dog shelter.
How to help yourself?
Such fears are quite deep and individual, so it is difficult to give general recommendations here. However, if you are susceptible to this kind of debilitating anxiety, you can try the following:
- Realize that these worries are not only meaningless, but also bring harm to our lives: “If this does not help me or my loved ones in any way, then why do I need it?”
- Catch yourself in these fears and return to the present moment, because fear refers to the future, what has not yet happened and is unknown when it will happen.
- Returning to the present, try to fully enjoy what is happening, notice all the good things, spend more time with your loved ones - now they are still with you.
- Take care of yourself, understand your needs and desires. Do not focus only on others, but ask yourself: “What do I want and how can I do well for myself?” Strengthen your connection with yourself.
- Explore your life outside of your relationships with family and friends: your professional life (does it bring you enough satisfaction and meaning?), your hobbies (do you have a hobby that gives you positive emotions?), your small joys (those that only for you). And invest more of your attention and energy in these areas. ⠀
And then, perhaps, your anxiety will ease, and you will have more space for yourself and for life in all its fullness and depth.
