How to become independent from your husband: financially and psychologically

Types of cells we find ourselves in

So, we will talk about the situation of a wife’s economic dependence on her husband, in which a woman can find herself for several reasons. Here are the most obvious and common of them.

1. The wife stays at home and does not work in the generally accepted sense of the word. This is the most common type of dependence experienced by women for whom their husbands are economically responsible. For her part, the woman performs traditional unpaid housework.
2. Motherhood. The period when a woman is caring for a small child is the peak of her dependence in terms of life support. When an expectant mother goes on maternity leave, whether she wants it or not, she has to be content with what her husband earns.

What complications does each of these situations threaten the family with? Not only material, but also psychological. Recently, as a result of research, scientists have obtained a kind of rating of the most common causes of marital quarrels. An honorable third place was taken by minor skirmishes over spouses’ failure to fulfill household duties. The second is the jealousy of one of the spouses. The first thing, contrary to all expectations, was quarrels over money. What does this data tell us?

The results of this survey indicate that, although the financial side of family relationships is one of the most important, it is inextricably linked with other - let's call them intangible - aspects of marriage. If for some reason one of the family members finds himself in a dependent position on the other, problems are inevitable, since the psychological motivation of the taking and giving parties may not coincide. Therefore, before answering the traditional Russian question “What to do?” (i.e. how to avoid possible problems), let's understand the features of male and female psychology in this regard.

“I want to become independent!”

The desire is understandable, but what to do:

Realize and admit dissatisfaction with the current state of affairs. Analyze your weaknesses and strengths. What does a woman need to become free and independent? Draw up a plan to make your dream come true. If only the relationship with her husband is not satisfactory, the woman believes that he does not value her, does not regret her and violates her rights as an individual to talk to her husband and discuss problems and pain points.

Despite the fact that a person has the power to create an entire world in his mind, this ability will not save him from specific problems. If a woman suddenly wants independence from her husband, and before that she didn’t want anything like that, then she needs to discuss the new desire with her husband. No amount of psychological tricks will get rid of a direct conversation about family problems. Therefore, before a woman says to herself: “I want to become independent,” she needs to think about whether she is ready for an open conversation about problems. Becoming free and independent is difficult not only financially, but psychologically.

The hypothesis of resurrecting male patriarchy

Data from numerous sociological surveys indicate that despite radical social changes and the revaluation of the role of women, the modern Russian family has strong features of patriarchy and traditionalism, which increases in proportion to the role the head of the family plays in society.

What is a patriarchal family? The basis has always been the sexual and social dominance of men. Marriage in the traditional sense meant and implies a contract under which a man provides a woman with food, housing and defense, and she is responsible for the birth and preservation of offspring, caring for them and satisfying men’s psychological and sexual needs. This principle of family building underlies most cultures of the world.

In our country, during the Soviet period of its existence, a man was not able to provide a woman with a decent home, maintenance, or protection. It is no coincidence that psychologists today consider this situation to be the reason for the emergence of many male problems, not only social, but even sexual - among men with low and middle incomes. Uncertainty about the future forces us to establish strict control over family expenses. In this case, everything related to the distribution of money in the family is more or less clear: there are certain priorities: providing for children, paying for the apartment, etc. — other expenses are considered as indulgence of whims.

Much more interesting is another situation, which is closely related to the story told above - the financial security of the family and at the same time the financial dependence of the wife on her husband. Families in which the husband begins to earn money are gradually moving towards the traditional distribution of responsibilities between spouses. Why? The fact is that a man’s acquisition of HIGH social and material status contributes to the establishment of his dominant role in the family and the desire to determine policy, including monetary policy. Naturally, a woman is assigned a subordinate, dependent role, as it should be in the patriarchal model of marriage. Moreover, today the legal uncertainty of material and financial relations in rich families poses a number of problems that most Soviet families did not encounter. The fact is that now material relations in the family are regulated only by social (and not legal) norms, however, not yet established and not sealed by a contract. Often the husband does not consider that the money he earns also belongs to his wife. He simply gives her a certain amount.

Unlike his wife, the man is satisfied with the situation: he feels self-respect as the breadwinner of the family, for whom a non-working wife creates a comfortable living environment. The status of the sole breadwinner of the family is perceived as an attribute of masculinity, and the presence of money and the ability to manage it for a man is a symbol of his own wealth. Proof of this can be the often encountered situation when a husband, regardless of the interests of the family, squanders all the money on parties with friends. What is this connected with? In this case, money is the only way to gain the reputation a man needs among his friends, which is very important to him.

Why right now are there so many family problems associated with a man’s struggle for his status - career, money, sexual viability - sometimes contrary to common sense? It is impossible not to take into account the fact that the peculiarities of the economic development of our country for a long time did not allow our men to adequately realize themselves in terms of gaining social and financial stability, therefore many of our men must go through a period of neophyte - when the finally acquired financial freedom, perceived as a symbol of masculinity, becomes a priority . But the king must be played by those around him, so family members often become the first victims of the self-affirmation of the head of the family. Remember the numerous anecdotes about the “new Russians” - it is no coincidence that their wives constitute the most problematic part of psychologists’ patients.

How are these features of male psychology reflected in family relationships, if we talk about the material side of the issue that interests us? Here are some of the most common situations when a husband determines the scope of the family budget.

Polina:
“My husband doesn’t want me to work.
At the same time, he is guided by his ideas about the role and purpose of wives - he believes that a wife should take care of the house and children. He partly views me as a service person, but that comes naturally to me. He earns money, i.e. We serve each other." Tatyana:
“He doesn’t want me to work for reasons of prestige.
Since he earns well, then his wife should not work. And psychological comfort is also important to him: they say, I am the only breadwinner, I can come and put my feet on the table, because I support everyone. This may be rarely said in plain text, but it is implied, because it’s more convenient for him...” Marina:
“When I ask my husband for money, he, as a rule, gives it, and as much as I ask, but very often this is accompanied by various speeches.
He certainly wants to know why I need so much and where I put the previous amount. And although I seem to spend a little, I still have to report every time. In general, no one refuses, but this involves so much conversation that sometimes you once again think: oh well, again for half an hour the barrel organ. Every time he asks, and I explain, how much money I need for a week for groceries, and every time I have to say again why I need exactly that much...” Thus, the consequence of male self-sufficiency acquired (not least with the help of money) becomes economic woman's dependence on her husband. This dependence takes a variety of forms, including the form of monetary slavery, which manifests itself in the need to daily beg from your better half for money not only for running the house, but also for pocket expenses. And as a consequence - loss of a sense of self-confidence, self-esteem and self-sufficiency of the individual. Financial relations, namely the wife’s financial dependence on her husband, become a persistent cause of conflict in these families.

The situation is aggravated by our lack of a culture of non-working women in principle. For example, somewhere in America, in Europe, if a woman does not work, then she sits at home, with her children, with her family. Her relatives believe that this is a normal state of affairs, this is how it should be, she is in her place, everything is fine. Here, too, everyone thinks that everything is fine. But at the same time, they never forget to remind who is supporting whom here. That a woman sitting at home is happy, that is, she has been blessed. And why?

Natalya:
“Since I claim some part of his salary as personal money, which I can dispose of at my own discretion, he believes that for this I must earn it myself. Otherwise, he is at least trying to gain control over my expenses. My husband often says to me: “First of all, you sit at home, don’t do a damn thing: then, you have all the money you want, because they found you in the dust, washed you, warmed you up, put you here, showered you with money, and that means you still have raising your voice? But I should sit quietly, wash my feet and drink water and enjoy life.”

What to do to forget

How to stop being afraid of everything in the world

Sadness and pain after a breakup are normal reactions to loss. To stop suffering and start a full life without the man she loves, a girl needs to live through these negative emotions.

Reference! If a person is able to cope with difficult feelings, this indicates his emotional maturity.

Parting

If a woman decides to find out how to stop suffering for a beloved man who does not need her, then she has embarked on the path of “recovery.” In order for addiction to go away in the least painful way, it is necessary to take a comprehensive approach to the choice of methods of “treating” addiction.

Ways to stop suffering over your ex

There are many ways to get rid of love addiction. Psychologists recommend first of all paying attention to the following options:

1. Negative emotions should not be suppressed. If you want to cry, you need to shed tears. If you feel like hitting a pillow or screaming, you need to allow yourself to let off steam.
2. There is no need to hush up the problem. You can tell your friends or a psychologist about the “burden on your heart.” Talking to yourself helps a lot.
3. After getting rid of negativity, you need to fill the “emptiness” with positive emotions. You can replenish the deficiency of serotonin (the hormone of happiness) with the help of interesting and varied activities: sports, dancing, travel. You should plan your day minute by minute so that there is no free time for worries, sad thoughts and figuring out why the guy left.
4. It is necessary to throw away all things from the house or put them in the attic that remind you of your beloved.
5. Psychologists advise using auto-training, which helps stop self-flagellation and increase self-esteem. It is enough to say the following phrases in front of the mirror every morning: “I am beautiful,” “I am successful,” “My friends love me,” “I am a good housewife.” You can come up with your own expressions.
6. The best way to forget a man is to surround yourself with other representatives of the stronger sex. The more friendly communication you have with a variety of young people, the faster thoughts about your lover will fade into the background.

Women's priorities

So, the situation of a wife’s economic dependence on her husband is not only relevant for modern families - it has become a serious psychological problem for many women, because it leads to constant and unresolved conflicts. But the same situation of economic dependence will not necessarily lead to the same consequences for a woman in psychological terms. It's all about those attitudes that are a priority for a woman in marriage. This is primarily family or work oriented.

The specificity of a woman’s position is that, unlike a man, she is more or less free to choose the sphere of self-realization.

When a woman prefers self-realization in the family and is completely satisfied with the role of mother, wife, housewife, the feeling of economic dependence is perceived painlessly: material support from the husband and service from the wife are an equivalent exchange.

Maria:
“He is such a mountain that I hide behind.
I don’t even know how much money we have, and I’m glad it’s not my problem. He likes that I stay at home. By the time he arrives, I will have put on my makeup, rested, happy, and dinner is ready. And before, I came running after work: my head hurts, I don’t have time to do anything, I don’t need anything.” Dependence is acutely felt by those women who are more focused on self-realization in the non-family sphere, whose priorities are personal freedom, independence, and career.

Olga:
“When the child was born, naturally, I had to leave my job and sit at home.
I thought, I’ll sit for three years, then we’ll hire a nanny - the funds allowed, and I’m tired of being at home - there’s no one to say a word to, and there’s no time: I work with my little son in the morning and afternoon, in the evening my husband demands attention and care. And no one has asked me about my desires for a long time. I tried to work part-time, but my husband was outraged. I'm used to being at home all the time. I tried to object - he said that he would not give money, I would live on what I earned.” So, as we see, perception largely depends on the installation. In addition, the relationship between the spouses as a whole plays an important role. And above all, their willingness to meet each other halfway in the event of family conflicts. Financial dependence does not automatically lead to the direct subordination of a woman, but when a gap appears in family relationships, a man has a resource of influence over a woman - her economic dependence. Women often do not have such resources. Therefore, she has to persuade, appeal to his decency, humbly ask.

Elena:
“I ask him for forgiveness if he is wrong, because he knows: I need money for the household, for the children, and I need to pay the tutor.”
Here is a list of the most common problems that can only be solved by comprehensive measures, taking into account all of the above.

1. The husband has complete control over the finances and emphasizes in every possible way that he is the head here, and the wife is just a dependent kept woman.
2. He takes into account only his own needs and interests, spending money on them, considering his wife’s needs to be unimportant.
3. He constantly demands an account of where the money disappears, accusing his wife of being a spendthrift and inability to manage expenses rationally.
4. He demands abundant and expensive food, but does not give money for it.

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Take responsibility

Take courage and stop hoping that you will be saved, fed and warm. You are an adult, and such behavior only develops a victim complex. When you shift responsibility to your man, you unwittingly tie your hands.

As a result, your life goes according to someone else’s scenario, and it’s as if you are observing what is happening from the outside and can’t change anything. It’s no wonder that as a result you get a dose of depression and resentment towards others.

Financial security rules for married women

You have realized the problem. What to do next? First of all, understand what you want and how you feel. No matter how outraged you are by the injustice shown to you, you can always find a way out of this situation, whether you are a diligent housewife, for whom family peace and material comfort are more important than independence, or an ardent feminist, for whom the very thought of this topic is both unbearable and unacceptable , and the feeling of dependence creates discomfort. Remember the main thing: if the problem of your marriage rests only on finances, you can still fix it by knowing the peculiarities of male psychology and the rules of financial security.

1. The easiest way to get rid of economic dependence on your husband is to acquire capital to start your own business, go to work, and eventually receive an inheritance. Of course, this is not always possible for completely objective reasons - for example, you are caring for a small child and you do not have an elderly uncle. However, any type of work or study that is not burdensome for you will help increase your self-esteem and give you the opportunity to feel that you, too, can earn money. Overall, this will confirm your position in the family.
2. For a previously working woman who, for one reason or another, now sits at home, future financial difficulties must be foreseen in advance: discuss with your husband the amount that he will give you unconditionally every month (the main thing is not to make a mistake in your calculations and name the real one, in your understanding, amount so that in the future you don’t have to rack your brains about how to explain to your husband that you don’t have enough money). As an option (if you are offended by the hand-to-hand transfer), a bedside table or box from which you will take the money left by your husband, a plastic card with a joint account.
3. An important resource that determines a woman’s independence is property, or a significant contribution to its acquisition: do not forget sometimes to gently remind your husband that you live in your apartment or an apartment purchased or received with your help.
4. Often, a husband is brought to his senses by the mention of his wife’s past merits (if she contributed to his successful career). If you want to remember that period of your life together, you will definitely find the arguments you need: she supported you morally, consoled you in moments of life’s cataclysms, instilled confidence in a prosperous future, developed a strategy for building relationships with your boss and employees. And this is worth a lot! Keep in mind that men have a very short memory for these things, so a reminder can be helpful. Keep in mind that men are very sensitive to their own status, so do not forget to admire your husband’s merits and talents.
5. Due to our inequality of rights, many men do not consider the work of a housewife to be work. Like, it’s traditionally a woman’s job to wash dishes, do laundry and cook. Moreover, quite often the work of a housewife is not considered work by BOTH spouses - husband and wife! The following move can bring good results when defending your own moral and material importance: find out from the agencies hiring maids the prices for all types of household work - cleaning the apartment, going grocery shopping, cooking and washing dishes, ironing (I’ll tell you that individually all these types of services will be more expensive, so make a detailed calculation - you yourself will be surprised at the figures you receive) and add the hourly cost of the services of a nanny and tutor for a child. When you present the list to your husband, he will be very surprised. Just don’t tell him how much he saved for you; it’s better to leave him with the feeling that he owes you immensely. First of all, you yourself must value your work.
6. If you really want to buy something with his help, be sure to express your requests to your husband, thereby making life a lot easier for him too - very often a man simply has no idea that you need some things. You are recklessly expecting attention from him: you yourself must understand. As a result, chronic resentment arises, developing into a crisis in family life. Try to explain to him that a new lipstick for a woman sitting at home is not a whim, but cute little things that can lift her spirits - sometimes this turns out to be understandable to a man. Don’t forget to thank your spouse, note how pleased you are to receive this thing from him, and if you provide special coziness and comfort in this situation, for which he will be grateful to you, when a similar situation is repeated, he may develop something like a conditioned reflex and next time he himself will want to please you.
7. If you treat your husband only as a wallet, it is very difficult to hide: one way or another, such an attitude will still come out. Do you think he’s not offended that you don’t care about his problems, his thoughts, how he lives, what he thinks about? And if you consider him only a thing, he will answer you in kind. So the more you pay attention to him, his interests and desires, the faster you will achieve mutual understanding and stop figuring out who owes what to whom.
8. Answering the question of where the money goes is actually as easy as shelling pears - you need to keep daily records of at least part of your expenses. The only trouble is that many wives, firstly, do not want to strain themselves so much, and secondly, they do not want to show their husbands that they are not spending their money in the most rational way. In general, such accounting is quite useful, and first of all for the wife herself. Look here:
   First of all, you will demonstrate to your spouse that you are “smart about money,” and he will trust you more and be more willing to finance your purchases.
9. You yourself will have an idea of ​​where your money goes and how much you generally need to meet your needs.
10. Gradually, your spouse will stop checking your spending, and you will be able to afford something more luxurious than he is ready to imagine.
11. If your spouse likes to gourmet, but doesn’t want to give money for it, you will also have to keep a record of expenses and show him the results. In this way, you will educate your husband and give him a real idea of ​​food prices - after all, it is quite possible that he really does not have time to keep track of how food prices are rising! You can invite your spouse to either go to the store himself and buy what he wants, and the wife will cook (even if he misses a couple of times, it’s not a problem, but he’ll take note that it’s better to completely leave the care of food to his wife), or ask him to personally write a list of desired products, and then put prices next to them, add them up and ask for exactly this amount for a specific purchase. And even if some problems arise, they can also be circumvented if you approach the situation logically. For example, a spouse wants juicy fried lamb and is even ready to personally buy a piece of meat, but cannot understand that this also requires at least onions and butter (they say, I’m asking for meat, not something else, but you don’t know how to cook and so on), - in such a situation it is quite POSSIBLE to pretend to be naive, excuse me, a fool and ask your husband to show you, since he is smart (the main thing is to say this word without irony!), how such meat is prepared. Like, you will learn and will do it too...
12. Men are very sensitive to public opinion and especially to the assessment and recognition of everything that has to do with it. Therefore, if your husband does not want to finance the purchase of clothes and cosmetics, you can direct public opinion in the right direction: it is easier to persuade your husband to buy new clothes dear to a woman’s heart if people significant to him (friends, partners or customers) speak in that spirit in front of him , that, they say, people are greeted by their clothes, and for this the main thing is to take your spouse to the right company. (True, there is a danger that your husband will go to the store and decide for himself what to buy for you.) So if you want your husband to spend money on you, make sure that these expenses are beneficial to him or at least pleasant.
13. Well, you met the exclusive recommendation of the women's council at the beginning. The practical value of the advice used is not only obvious, but also very fitting for someone who has decided to experiment.

Negotiate "on the shore"

It’s good that you yourself choose your future spouse with the values ​​and principles that are close to you. And that's great. For example, you can say that you are not going to sit within four walls because you do not accept financial dependence on a man.

Well, or vice versa. Immediately indicate that your purpose is to create comfort in the home and raise children. If your spouse is satisfied with this arrangement, then you are on your way. Just be sure to convey to him that you are not going to turn into a “pet chicken” and sit on his neck.

Of course, all your proposals should not sound like ultimatums, otherwise your companion will run away with his heels sparkling. Use universal PDA technology. If you still don’t know how to use it, sign up for my training “The Price of Women’s Happiness.” Details can be found on the official website of Pavel Rakov.