Comes from childhood
Surely you have heard more than once that we acquire most behavioral attitudes and complexes in childhood.
The habit of suffering in the form of a victim is, of course, no exception. Most often, girls try on this role, reading their mother’s behavior. However, male victims are also very common. Moreover, an element of sacrifice is present in almost every personality. So, in front of a small child is his mother. She tries to be on time everywhere and everywhere, to be the best on all fronts, she hurries, invests, wastes her time, in a word, sacrifices herself for the sake of the family. Why exactly does he donate? After all, many women, and even men, happily lead everyday life and cope with children... The important thing is that these many do it with joy. The victim brings himself to the altar with imaginary humility and patience. She sighs, looks away and is silently (or not silently) offended. She complains about how difficult her difficult lot is, as if she didn’t choose this lot herself or can’t change it.
The child absorbs the behavior model like a sponge, noticing that the position of the victim has its advantages. They help the poor unfortunate sufferer, they worry about him, take care of him, forgive him for his insults, because he already has a hard life. Children very quickly recognize subtle, sometimes unconscious manipulation here and learn to repeat it.
Often the victims are children who lack parental attention. To suffer indicatively, forcing mom and dad to turn their attention to themselves is almost always an effective policy, which will certainly play out if the parents themselves are not alien to the role of victims.
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Creative skills
The victim cannot create because he only complains and is afraid to even think about something interesting. If you want to change, try starting small. Even if you don’t notice any special abilities in yourself, continue to act anyway. When the first good results appear, a feeling of comfort will come, associated with peace of mind. And it is precisely this that is so lacking for those people who are accustomed to always feel like a victim in everything.
Thus, the need to work on yourself cannot be overestimated . A person himself must realize that he needs to change and begin to take certain steps. Without this, it is impossible to grow above oneself, to fully develop personally and remain satisfied with the events taking place. If you cannot cope with the problem on your own, you can seek help from the Irakli Pozharisky psychology and rehabilitation center . You won’t even notice how visible improvements will begin to occur. Working with a specialist will help you return to a state of internal satisfaction with yourself. I would like to wish everyone personal transformation and individual victories that can qualitatively improve their life.
The essence of sacrifice
In fact, the victim is not a humble and unhappy person, but an aggressive (often passive-aggressive or auto-aggressive) and manipulative person. To avoid manipulation, a person needs to directly and clearly formulate his boundaries, voice his principles and desires, without being embarrassed by them. The victim often does not have his own desires, because he is not busy building his life, but devoting it to someone or something.
A victim is an irresponsible person, not ready to accept that everything that happens to her is the work of her hands, her will or lack of will. For such people, someone is always to blame: boss, husband, child, parents.
Alternative Behavior: Free and Strong Personality
The opposite state of the victim complex is personal freedom.
Freedom means that no one is stopping you from managing your own life according to your choices. To settle for anything less is to choose a form of slavery.
"How to get rid of the victim complex"
Don’t buy into the tricks of people who suggest that freedom means selfishness and irresponsibility. Responsibility is the result of choice; you take it upon yourself voluntarily. In no case should it fall on you at the whim of someone or under pressure from society.
“The freest people in the world are those who are at peace with themselves: they simply do not pay attention to the claims of other people, because they themselves effectively arrange and direct their lives,” writes Wayne Dyer in his book.
Signs of a victim
The victim is a traditional participant in the so-called Karpman triangle, where in addition to her there are the victim’s pursuer and her rescuer. It's simple: in your world there is you, suffering and humble, there is the one who makes you suffer, and the one who saves you.
In order to enter this triangle, it only takes two participants who will change roles, supporting each other in an unhealthy relationship. How to recognize that you are caught in this triangle? And how do you know which role you play most often?
First of all, pay attention to the speech. If the phrases “it happened so”, “it’s not my fault”, “what could I do?”, “but you…”, “I have such a character”, “I was raised that way” - rather All in all, you are a proud performer of the role of victim.
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Pay attention to how you try to get something from others. If you use sighs, long glances, insults, imaginary illnesses - congratulations, you are a manipulator who wants to get what you lack in the role of a victim.
If you or your partner tend to throw around accusations and know how to make your interlocutor feel guilty, this is another sure sign of being in the Karpman triangle. Moreover, along with the role of a victim, you also try on the role of a pursuer (in the eyes of your partner, certainly), and then you can take on the position of a rescuer. The peculiarity of neurotic relationships in this triangle is that you and your partner take turns taking on all three roles, and breaking this painful connection is not so easy.
Protecting your inferior, but still comfort
“The position of the victim also attracts “lazy people” - those who simply
do not want to strain and look for ways to solve their problems, or spend time and energy on personal and professional growth,”
continues the psychologist.
For example, why learn new things at work, study new books on your specialty, or take advanced training courses? It’s much easier, when returning from work, to plop down on the sofa and feel sorry for yourself with enthusiasm: “Oh, I’ll remain the last spoke in the chariot. This is all because I am neither godfather nor matchmaker to the boss.”
“A psychologically mature person increases his value to employers. At the same time, he does not allow himself to be offended. So, under no circumstances will they perform additional work for free, only under certain conditions and agreements. And a person with victim syndrome will doomedly agree, because he is sure: he has no way out,”
says Nadezhda Georgieva.
A way out of sacrifice
We must admit: being a victim is profitable and easy. Of course, those who are accustomed to suffering will not agree with us, and yet the position of those who are always offended by fate and people is much more stable and reliable than the position of the author of his life. Victims do not want and do not bear any responsibility for what happens to them, essentially remaining small children all their lives. Growing up is painful and difficult: you have to enter into reality, abandon the attitude “everyone owes me,” and accept the attitude “I do it myself.” For people who have played the victim, this is backbreaking work: it is much easier to shift responsibility and guilt onto the person who happens to be nearby.
But it is also important to realize that the victim will never experience the joy of life that happens to the active author. And if you realize that you have played into suffering and humility, you have come halfway to your goal. There are a few steps left to take.
Start working with your speech.
Catch yourself in painful phrases, write them down and gradually replace them with the author’s phrases: “I know...”, “I want/don’t want...”, “I will...”, “I decided...” Do not use impersonal sentences where the action has no author (for example, “I heard it”, “it seems to me”).
Stop making excuses.
At all. If you have done something, take responsibility for that “something” - or at least remain silent. Remember the golden rule: “The Queen makes no excuses.” What if you did something for which you want to justify yourself? Admit the mistake and apologize. Learn to see the difference between an excuse and an explanation, because excuses are the same explanations that the other side did not need. When you are asked about the motives and reasons for actions, asked to tell how it happened, you are working at the request of your interlocutor, supplying him with the necessary information. Remember: excuses are information that no one needs.
Finally, reconsider your actions and thoughts.
for positivity, constructiveness and acceptance of responsibility. Try not to feel sorry for yourself, remember that the words “pity” and “pathetic” have the same root. Do you want to be pathetic? Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, try to understand and accept the current situation, draw conclusions and figure out how to avoid it in the future.
Find ten differences
We have already written that codependent people do not have a clear idea of personal boundaries. But it is their stability that allows the individual to develop and realize himself. Our boundaries provide security for what is at the core of our self-identity.
Psychological boundaries separate “self” and “others” into different domains. Let's look at a few examples of how the attitudes of codependent and independent people differ.
In a society of victims
What to do if you realize that people close to you are playing the victim? Do not get involved in the process, because if you fall for manipulation, you can easily slide into sacrifice and aggression. So, to communicate constructively with someone who is playing the victim, learn to give them clear, understandable instructions that cannot be interpreted. Don't be fooled by the guilt that victims very effectively place on others. If a showdown cannot be avoided, set the tone: ask the victim to communicate exclusively in the format of “I-messages”, broadcasting only his own feelings.
Don’t let the victim jump to the familiar and favorite format of “but you...”. Remember your own author's position and be guided by the strict, but most important rule: no one owes anyone anything. It encourages us to act the way we want, listening to ourselves and loving ourselves. Try to show the victim how beneficial it is to be a person who solves his own problems.
Surrendering to fear
fears
can keep a person in a victim position : fear of making decisions, fear of making a mistake, fear of not meeting a new partner, fear of worsening one’s financial situation, and others.
“If fear is stronger than discomfort, many people continue to endure the inconvenience,”
the specialist notes.
Photo pexels.com
Causes of the syndrome
The disease cannot be congenital and is not inherited. It develops only as a person grows older. Moreover, the victim syndrome currently occupies a special place in psychology, since the number of patients increases every year. Mostly the pathology develops in females.
Scientists have not yet identified any single and common trigger mechanism, but have identified a number of the most likely causes of the syndrome, which include:
- Mental trauma. Most often, such an impact occurs at a very young age, since the emotional background at that time is still unstable. For example, in the case when a child received some kind of physical injury or became ill, and relatives show too much concern. The disease goes away over time, but the attitude towards the child remains the same. Hence it turns out that he continues to constantly feel like a victim.
- Overprotectiveness. When parents worry excessively about their child and control his every step, the baby gets used to the imposed image and, like his loved ones, begins to be wary of literally everything. Ultimately, such behavior leads to resentment towards the entire world around us and complete distrust of it.
- Predisposition to mental disorders. The syndrome is not inherited and, accordingly, is not genetically determined. We are talking about a predisposition to any mental disorders in general. It is generally accepted that such a disorder can occur if one of the relatives had a shaky nervous system.
- Family circumstances. This factor mainly applies to women whose husbands are too serious and cruel by nature. Due to frequent conflicts, wives begin to feel like victims of real domestic violence.
- Crucial and significant events. Most people always strive for something and try to achieve what they want by any means. But, unfortunately, fate may decide otherwise. In such cases, the victim of circumstances syndrome appears. At the same time, patients are not able to soberly assess reality.
Cheburashka
“Suddenly a wizard will fly in in a blue helicopter and show a movie for free. He’ll wish me a happy birthday and probably leave me five hundred popsicles as a gift.”
Question: what stopped you from buying ice cream yourself? What stopped you from going to the movies? Of course, 500 popsicles can cause diarrhea, but at least one popsicle could be bought without a wizard? No! Everyone is waiting for happiness to fall on them.
Here's another example about a birthday.
Snow White
After the death of her mother and father, her witch stepmother tries to kill Snow White. The princess flees. Instead of going to people and asking for help (at a minimum) or raising a rebellion against the witch (don’t forget that Snow White was the heir to the throne), the princess prefers to hide in a forest house and live there with seven strange men of very short stature. When a disgusting old woman (a witch) comes to Snow White’s house, she opens the door for her and invites her into the house (where is the logic in that?). After suffering from food poisoning, Snow White falls into a coma and lies in a glass coffin, waiting for the prince to save her.
Author's notes: And I'm thinking, why couldn't you tell grandma “NO” and not eat the apple?
The child’s conclusions after reading this fairy tale: you need to endure insults and suffer. You need to do this long enough, and then they will certainly take pity on you, and then they will definitely save you.
How not to become a savior
To avoid being drawn into victim games and becoming a deliverer, control your feelings and emotions. Do not offer help or give advice when you are not asked to do so. Do not impose your help and kindness. Otherwise, there is a high chance that some victim will find you. Well, when you hone the role of a deliverer, it won’t be long before you become a victim yourself.
How the game comes about
The initiator is always the victim. She throws invitations both ways: “beat me” and “save me.” In this case, the victim displaces aggression, as well as:
- does not see his own resources, denies their presence;
- refuses to make decisions;
- ask for advice;
- afraid of responsibility;
- avoids independence with the help of “yes, but...”.
The aggressor represses his own vulnerability and displays active, passive or punitive anger. The Deliverer displaces powerlessness, devalues the victim, takes responsibility and makes decisions for the victim, his phrase: “Why don’t you...”.
Perhaps the game “why would you...”, “yes, but...” is the most popular. Such couples can exchange these phrases for hours, but the problem will remain unresolved. Only one thing will change: the victim will receive a portion of energy and attention, the deliverer will assert himself.
If you notice that you yourself often play such a game, then make it a rule to immediately answer “I can’t help you” if:
- the question has nothing to do with your competencies;
- you clearly understand that they want to shift responsibility onto you;
- you often hear first a request, and then “yes, but...”, but do not see actions on the part of the person asking for help.
I know from personal experience how difficult it is. But it's worth it. Sooner or later, the victim will leave you alone, and you will be able to direct your strength wherever you want, and make decisions only for yourself, so that later you will not be to blame for other people’s troubles.
Scarlet Sails
One girl, aged 8, was told that one day a prince would come for her on a ship with scarlet sails and take her to a distant country. The girl walks along the shore for years, waiting for a miracle. In the village no one likes her and they even consider her crazy.
What prevented the girl from going to another country on her own and finding a prince there? But no, it’s better to stomp along the shore and wait for years for HE to land “in scarlet shorts, on scarlet sails.”
Do you find it funny? Me too. What conclusions should the child draw after this? You will say that this is only in foreign literature. Nothing like this! Ours is even worse! Read Russian fairy tales: “In the dungeon, the princess is grieving. And the brown wolf serves her faithfully.” The absence of any action regarding your life is welcome!
