How to put a manipulator in his place - I’ll tell you in simple words

Manipulation is a strange subject. It seems like they are trying to control you. But it’s embarrassing and uncomfortable for you. It's a shame to defend yourself. It's a shame to refuse. And when we succumb to manipulation, we regret it, get angry and make a promise to ourselves - “never again!”

Never - easy to say, but difficult to do. And the whole point is that there are 2 types of manipulation.

The first is simple, without pronounced attacks. We talked about it in the previous article.

And the second is aggressive manipulation. In such cases, the manipulator:

• behaves aggressively;
• does not accept your refusal and continues to “put pressure” on you;
• deceives you.

In this case, “heavy artillery” is precisely what is needed—counter-manipulation.

short video on the topic of manipulation (5 minutes)

Shield from manipulation

You come to work, and the boss tells you:

- You are our best employee! Therefore, we will put you to work at the most unprofitable point! Who, if not you, will cope with this?

What should be done?

1. Track your feelings. I am glad that my superiors appreciate me. I'm afraid of letting my colleagues down.
2. Take a break. “Thank you very much, I’ll think about it until tomorrow.”
3. Ask yourself the question “why?” Why should I agree to this?
4. Realize your desires. Yes, I am interested in this task. But only if my efforts are rewarded.
5. Think through your answer based on your goals. “Thank you for your trust. Let’s discuss increasing my salary due to the additional workload.”
6. Maintain internal balance during a conversation. Speak to the point. At this moment, if the interlocutor is ready for a constructive solution to the issue, he will compromise: “Okay, we will increase your salary by 10%.”

In most cases, this shield is enough for you. He will help you make the right decision and not promise too much, which you will regret later.

If you refuse or doubt, a simple shield against manipulation will not work. In this case, the opponent is trying to bend you, get you emotional and deprive you of your sense of balance. In this case, it remains to exit the communication with dignity:

Don't get emotional in response. They are trying to unbalance you so that you switch to an emotional dialogue: “Me? But you..." One of my life hacks in this situation is to “play like a fool” and answer neutrally: “good”, “it happens” and the catchphrase “what do you mean?” This puts the attacker into a stupor, and you get time to normalize your breathing and think about how to take communication in a different direction or not to get involved in further communication at all.

Manipulation Shield is a basic technique. If he doesn’t help, we fight the manipulator with his own weapons.

The shield does not help with aggressive manipulators. Therefore, if you feel increasing pressure, it’s time to take away from the enemy his own weapon - manipulation.

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How to get rid of a manipulator - instructions for use

The only way to get rid of a manipulator is to break off any kind of relationship with him once and for all.

A very popular request on the Internet is “How to beat a manipulator?” People are very interested to know this. But my dear girls, there is no need to outplay the manipulator; this is a very energy-consuming and stupid activity. If you start playing on his field, you will be outplayed.

It's like playing chess with a pigeon; it will destroy all the pieces, crap on the board and fly off to tell everyone how it beat you. Therefore, the only right decision is to say goodbye and wave a handkerchief.

There are no manipulators in my environment, because in life I adhere to the following rule:

Rule #1 : Communicate only with those I like and not communicate with those I don’t like.

A very simple and cool rule. I don’t like communicating with manipulators, so they are not in my environment and the question “How to behave with a manipulator” does not arise. It's that simple. If you adopt it, you will never have toxic people in your life.

Additionally, I want to share with you one more rule of mine.

Rule No. 2 It sounds like this: I am always right.

No matter what I do, no matter how I behave or act, I am always right. At first, it may seem that you won’t go far with such a philosophy of life, because then how can you learn from mistakes? But this rule does not deny the presence of mistakes and learning from them. This belief allows you to always feel peace of mind and not reproach yourself for something.

For example, you rudely sent a person who was trying to get on your nerves - you are right; You told your boss what you thought about him - you were right; And so it is in everything.

If a behavior model was ineffective, you simply replace it with a new one after analyzing the errors. But at the moment when the act was committed, you were right!

It is impossible to instill feelings of guilt or shame into a person with such a philosophy of life. You are always right, they told you lies when they tried to convince you otherwise.

Remember your life actions or situations, especially those that were condemned by the public. And you were right. Do you know why I am so sure that you are right? Because the concept of “right” or “wrong” is very subjective and abstract.

People say you are wrong not because it is true, but because it goes against their interests. This is important to consider.

Accordingly, when they told you that you acted “badly,” in fact the situation was as follows: you did what was good for you, but someone didn’t like it or went against his interests and they tried to instill a feeling of guilt in you and show the “wrongness” of your action. But for yourself, you were right.

Listen only to your inner voice and stop feeling guilty and ashamed, then manipulation will not work for you.

What does the “Closer-further” manipulation lead to?

Let's say you met an attractive and charming man.

Unfortunately, it turns out that he is not only attractive and charming, but also endowed with a bunch of subconscious fears of abandonment, low self-esteem and a large dependence on the need to have the illusion of control in relationships.

Let’s say that such a man uses not only his attractiveness and charm, but also manipulative tactics “closer and further” to seduce you and tie you to him.

And so you managed to fall into his trap. Over time, you began to read materials on the topic of your situation with him and learned about such a thing as “closer-farther” manipulation. You realized that you had actually become a victim of this manipulation and decided to end this relationship.

But you find that you cannot forget this person. You depend on him emotionally.

Signs you've been caught

Sometimes relationships between the sexes develop in such a way that you yourself are not able to immediately understand whether they are controlling you and helping you, or have already managed to impose their personal opinions and desires instead of yours. So, it is extremely important to always not only listen to others, but also to hear yourself, think and remember about yourself. Let's look at the signs of a manipulative girl, since this particular format of relationships is quite common. It turns out that your partner is using psychological methods here (consciously or unconsciously).
What sensations does a man experience in such cases, and what happens to him?

1. Love or affection gradually takes on the tinge of fear of loss.
2. The mood directly depends on the mood of the other half, and not on your own.
3. An involuntary and unnecessary feeling of guilt arises.
4. There is an automatic decrease in self-esteem (and in adequate, healthy relationships, exactly the opposite always happens).
5. Unconsciously, a man begins to control or try to tightly control his words, emotions, and then actions.
6. More and more often you have to give up your desires in favor of the woman who is nearby.

By the points listed above you can recognize yourself.
And you will immediately understand what stage you are at now. After all, you won’t be able to fall for such a bait in one go. This is a whole special operation on her part, which could be thoughtfully and gradually developed, or could be carried out consistently, but in a completely unconscious way. Simply because of the nature of your partner's character. Do you want to change your life for the better? Visit my seduction trainings. On them you will learn all the ways to get closer to any girl. Follow the link and order ->

The main reasons why men are often silent

Photo by Liza Summer: Pexels
You might think that this behavior is socialized and shaped by silent role models in childhood. But there are also biological reasons for male silence. When a person is under stress, the brain is flooded with messenger substances.

They signal two forms of behavior: flight or attack. This is an evolutionary legacy of those times when the issue of survival was decided in a matter of seconds. The mind was not allowed to weigh things in advance, but the body had to react.

This, of course, applies to both women and men, but men break down these messenger substances much more slowly than women. So, when she is already ready to discuss the problem, he is still in a “reboot”. Even just a walk around the block really helps because movement frees up the brain again.

How to Avoid Silence and Ignorance in a Couple

Typically, a woman suffers more from silence than a man because she has stronger needs for communication and intimacy. If she doesn't work, she feels increasingly disconnected. When she realizes that she is missing something in the partnership, she usually takes action:

• She explains her wishes to her partner and tries to talk to him.
• She demands that he spend more time with her. The consequence of this may be that the partner feels pressured and withdraws even more.
• She invites friends (with whom the partner can then be surprisingly charming and eloquent) and basks in the glow of friendly communication.

Over time, frustration turns into anger, sarcasm, or depression/withdrawal. Sexual desire subsides. Sometimes she tries to satisfy her need for communication outside of partnerships.

How to break up with such a person?

How to get rid of a manipulative man? Advice for women who want to break up with a manipulator:

1. Tell him that you are ending the relationship and that he no longer has anything to count on . Be polite, speak to the point, and control your emotions.
2. Do everything possible to avoid being manipulated . A manipulative man who is being dumped can use psychological pressure to force you to change your mind. But you should stand your ground and remain calm: you have already made your choice, and he needs to accept it. Whatever he does, stand your ground. At the same time, make sure that the dialogue does not drag on too much.

After this, the smartest thing to do is to ignore it. It will also be useful to find a new partner: this will push the manipulator away .

Psychotypes and manipulation

In fact, the strengths we cherish can become weaknesses. Because of them, we act according to a pattern, depending on what psychotype we belong to. There are four of them in total; knowing the characteristics of psychotypes, the manipulator can trigger one or another reaction:

1. Hedonist. He can be asked to be visible. The main pleasure for him is publicity, the main hormone is serotonin, which is responsible for receiving pleasure.
2. The caring person will be vulnerable through the vector of relationships and social mutual exchange. These people cannot be “divorced” by numbers or fame. They will only act for someone else's good.
3. An independent person needs recognition of his uniqueness, flattery, and confirmation of his intellectual status.
4. A traditionalist is not interested in anything new. He aims at the bird in his hands, this is his life strategy for survival.

Personal relationships

Love, family life, parent-child relationships are constantly being tested.

When getting married, it will be useful for a woman to learn how to resist a manipulator:

1. Regularly ask yourself: are you happy in your marriage, are you being treated with respect, which is what I receive from my loved one.
2. Avoid guilt. It will be easier for a manipulator to control his victim if she experiences remorse. The manipulator strives to make any problem yours and shift the burden of responsibility onto someone else’s shoulders.
3. Take control of the situation into your own hands. Don’t rush to fulfill the requirements, take time to think. This way you will not allow yourself to be used in the interests of others.

It is very difficult to build a relationship with a manipulator. A person will always try to put pressure, to cheat, to shift his worries onto you. If this is your loved one, dear person, try to talk frankly about this topic. If words don't help, you'll have to learn to resist.

Secret 2. Be aware of his manipulations!

A manipulator is always weak , but this weakness is illusory and can spoil a lot of blood for you. He is weak because he is incapable of fair play.

Let's see what the usual trick of a liar looks like: your man has gotten into the habit of staying late, someone calls and writes to him, he has become cold. You suspect cheating and ask directly. And you get an emotional volcano: “How can you think that! You're crazy, you see betrayal everywhere! Jealous maniac!

Note that there was no constructive explanation. They didn’t show you a phone number with message texts and a list of subscribers, they didn’t tell you the reason for being late - your concerns and feelings were completely ignored, and in addition they rolled out an accusation. Mature adults who want to resolve a conflict do not act this way. But for the weak, who are not ready to bear responsibility, it’s easy.

Actually, this is where his weakness ends. Psychologists unanimously insist that manipulators are endowed with truly devilish powers of persuasion. They know how to manipulate facts and words, turn the truth inside out, skillfully play offended virtue, press for pity - in general, they more than compensate for their inferiority.

You can't stand feeling insecure in a relationship.

Feeling safe and comfortable in a relationship is a delicate thing. In many ways, it depends not so much on the person you are with or what kind of relationship you have, but on what kind of person you are.

If you have a very high sensitivity to anxiety, then as soon as a person withdraws their attention even a little, you begin to get nervous and twitch. In this state you are very easy to manipulate.

In addition, when a relationship ends (including because you decided to end it), you begin to think more and more about this person. You want to return to him to finally get rid of the feeling of insecurity.

During the “Closer” phase you had this feeling, but now instead of it you have a feeling of anxiety and insecurity.

If you initially had a higher threshold for sensitivity to anxiety, it would be much easier for you to forget this person now.

Secret 3. Be honest with yourself!

The fact of his weakness is very important. A dishonest person cannot be respected. And respect is the cornerstone of relationships, even love is not so important. As soon as it is lost, the question arises: “Is there a relationship?”

Partners who want to build full-fledged relationships do not humiliate each other or try to assert themselves at the expense of the other. If you see that your chosen one regularly allows such things, realize the difficult fact: he has his own interests, and you are not part of this circle. Moreover, you act as a hindrance, and they try to “neutralize” you - due to the supposed bias in your brain. Then what kind of union and communication, in general, can we talk about?

You are afraid of both distance and closeness

The fear of abandonment works very simply. He appears in the Next phase. When a person moves away from you, you are afraid, and you realize this fear.

Important! In many ways, your inability to forget about him now is precisely the manifestation of this fear, although sometimes it may seem to you that this is the personification of some kind of great warm feelings for this person. But this is fear.

The subconscious fear of intimacy, in turn, is a more insidious and subtle thing.

It manifests itself in the early stages of the Closer phase, and this is how it works.

It should be noted that many people would be very uncomfortable with the attention of their romantic partner falling on them at the very beginning of a relationship. Moreover, even if a person has healthy self-esteem.

If he has just met someone, and the new acquaintance immediately begins to pour a whole tub of attention onto his head, this causes a feeling of discomfort, and perhaps even mixed with skepticism.

How can it be that at the very beginning of a relationship, a newly made boyfriend provides so much attention? Why on earth? It's either he has such low self-esteem that he feels forced to provide so much attention, or it's a manipulative tactic.

This suffocates many, but not you

Regardless of whether it is manipulation or just stuffiness and clinginess, for most people this behavior is a no-no, and it will cause discomfort, and very quickly. They will be inclined not to continue such a relationship.

Attention! But you, since you have a subconscious fear of intimacy, will be able to continue only such relationships in which such attention will be poured on you.

The usual amount of attention is not enough for you. You need to receive confirmation over and over again that you are desired, and only then will you allow yourself to start getting closer to the person. And if someone approaches you without so much attention, because of your fear of intimacy, you won’t even be able to... get closer to this person!

So it turns out that the people you get close to are either insecure or manipulators.

The manipulator and his victim

There is always a long-term relationship between this couple. They depend on each other and are constantly attracted. On the one hand, this is power, on the other, submission.

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The manipulator believes that he must and has the right to dictate his own rules. He may imagine himself as an assistant, a patron. His victim unknowingly allows him to do this.

This type of relationship is most often found in couples:

• parents and children;
• spouses;
• superior and subordinate.

Not everyone becomes a victim. Typically, such a person meets the following characteristics:

1. Has not matured psychologically or is directly dependent on the manipulator. This category often includes children whose adolescent personality has not yet formed.
2. Has weaknesses: kind, sympathetic, impulsive, in love.
3. There are no own goals, desires, positions. He perceives other people's ideas and aspirations as his own.
4. Does not know how or does not strive to resist the manipulator, analyze relationships, and is ready to endure discomfort.

The manipulator on his own is often unable to achieve the desired heights. He uses the energy, strength, and talent of the victim for this.

The latter suffers not only morally, but also physically. After communicating with the manipulator, malaise, headache, and insomnia occur.

Prolonged contact threatens various kinds of diseases and disorders. To avoid this, you will have to learn to resist the manipulator. As a result, a person will remove the shackles of victimhood, learn to respect his interests, and be firmer in his convictions.

Methods of manipulation

A girl who is a manipulator in a relationship is, of course, cunning. Next, I will consider the most common types of influence on the male psyche.

• Exaggerated praise

Too frequent and constant flattering statements addressed to you should be alarming. It is clear that everyone wants to be the best and the only one, to receive compliments for their actions, but isn’t this a trick? Especially if it becomes more frequent.

• Delaying past promises

There are seemingly random excuses that seem, at first glance, to be quite harmless.
Obviously, the manipulative girl herself will demand from you the principle: “What’s said is done.” And he will address you more cunningly:

1. “Nail up the shelf and I’ll have a sexy evening.”
2. “Oh, we’re out of food, I should go to the store. At the same time, top up my phone."
3. “Get the suitcase from above, otherwise I won’t be able to handle it myself.”

And so on ad infinitum. On small things and on major important issues. Where you are really needed and can help, and where you are simply being openly used for the sake of your own laziness and growing your own ego.

• Comparison

Or they are also often called non-hints. She tells you that her neighbor has a cool car, her friend was recently given a diamond necklace, etc. A girl who is a manipulator in a relationship seems to make indirect hints about what she wants.
In principle, this can still be ignored. The main thing is that on her part this does not gradually develop into resentment or open aggression.

• Too tender

Yes, indeed, when a partner begins to “suck up” excessively, it is felt by all senses. You can easily recognize the catch, but what it is, most likely, will have to be figured out separately.

• Trying to make you jealous

A standard manipulation that only a lazy, manipulative girl would not resort to. Purposeful flirting with other men indicates a clear attempt to attract increased attention from the main partner.

• Tears

And another classic manipulation in which a man does not know how to behave. Most men try to avoid tears and tantrums at all costs, so this simple option often helps a woman get whatever she wants.

From euphoria to depression

Photo pexels.com

In this novel, she went through all the circles of hell and eventually lost herself - this is how Tatyana, a Minsk resident, described her five-year marriage in a conversation with a psychologist.
A classic of the genre of manipulative relationships: love and euphoria at the stage of acquaintance and dating, expensive gifts, compliments, plans for the future - Vadim did not skimp on anything: “I behaved like a child who hopes for a miracle and finally gets it,
” recalls Tatyana events of long ago.
— I was 30 years old then, had an unsuccessful marriage behind me, and was a single mother.
Like any woman, I wanted love, care, understanding, trust, warmth. With Vadim I felt like a goddess. Now, of course, it’s funny, but then I literally hovered above the ground, my gait even changed, it became so light and graceful. I remembered this feeling of euphoria, and all subsequent years, when not a trace of it remained, I was delirious with the hope of returning that time, that outburst of emotions, that look that my beloved man gave me. Then, more than five years ago, Tatyana enthusiastically shared her happiness with the whole world: her pages on social networks were full of joint photos, she introduced Vadim to her son and parents (the man managed to charm everyone!). However, already three months after the start of the affair, something went wrong: rare letters, messages were ignored. Vadim began to cancel planned meetings more often, he was irritated and angry.

“But I was already “stuck” on him, so I believed that these were temporary difficulties. After all, he proposed to me! True, we were unable to submit documents to the registry office the first time: Vadim did not come. Then he said that he had some urgent work to do. Of course I forgave. Because I could no longer imagine my existence without him.

Family life did not begin at all as Tatyana had hoped. Vadim no longer occasionally, but almost every other day, threw her hysterics and scandals, constantly manipulated her with feelings of guilt, and was offended if his wife tried to insist on her own. The stepfather's relationship with his stepson did not work out. Upset Tatyana blamed herself for everything:

“I fell asleep and woke up with one thought: I hope he will be in a good mood today!” And if the morning began with Vadim’s smile, I was ready to dance with joy. This is a terrible period of life: I’m constantly on my nerves, trying to fix something, satisfy my husband’s whims, reshaping my worldview to suit his needs - as long as he is satisfied, if only he gives me a kind word and a look. I was exhausted then, racking my brains over how to return to the fairy tale in which we lived in the first months after we met. Relatives said: “Be patient, marriage is not a holiday, but daily work on yourself!” But the problem is that I was the only one who worked on myself. Vadim all this time behaved like a capricious spoiled child. In fact, the family now had two children, and my son Kirill in many respects seemed older and more intelligent.

Well, then what happened most often happens in “manipulator-victim” relationships: making sure that his wife was firmly on the hook, Vadim left Tatyana. No explanation. He turned off his phone and spent a whole week, which seemed like an eternity to his wife, living with a friend at his dacha.

“I hate to talk about how I behaved then.” She blamed herself for the breakup, wrote him endless text messages begging him to come back, and stood guard at the checkpoint at work. One day he knelt down, and his colleagues saw it. Such a shame! It was a terrible addiction. It seemed to me that if only he agreed to be together, I would do everything for him. And the worst thing is that this is what happened. Vadim “thawed out” and said that he was ready to start all over again, but only if my son moved to live with his grandmother. And I went for it. Do you think something has changed? Two months of paradise, and then - for no apparent reason, ignorance, new whims, discontent. The reason is my pregnancy. At some point I realized: everything is repeating itself, only on a steeper section of the spiral. My husband had already deprived me of a child from my first marriage, and now he insisted that I have an abortion from him. This operation completely sobered me up. I fell into a black depression. What will happen next? Am I going to spend the rest of my life as an “emotional slave”? Or is there still a way out? It was then that I found articles on the Internet about manipulative behavior. And for the first time I realized that all this time I had been used, pulled strings to achieve what I wanted. I went to a psychologist, filed for divorce a month later, forced Vadim to leave my apartment and began to mend my damaged relationship with my son.