How to survive the death of a loved one: advice from a psychologist and priest on how to let go of the pain of loss

Depression, or a depressed psychological state, is a completely natural defensive reaction of our body. It occurs against the background of overwork, excessive emotions, and mental stress. Therefore, it is not surprising that after the death of a loved one we often experience depression. After all, the sudden passing of a person dear to us invariably provokes an internal crisis and physical weakness. Going into self-isolation, closing ourselves off from others in a kind of cocoon and spending vital energy to a minimum temporarily saves us from disaster. However, prolonged stay in this state is fraught with even greater complications.

When should you see a psychologist?

Despair

When depression reaches such a stage as despair, and the widower is not able to independently go through all the stages of living the pain from the death of her husband or wife, it is time to turn to a psychologist or psychiatrist. The choice of specialist depends on the psychological state of the widower. Despair can develop into severe mental disorders. Psychologists can cope with post-traumatic syndrome and neuroses, but only a psychiatrist can cure more severe mental disorders, such as phobias, obsessive states, psychoses that reach schizophrenia. If loved ones notice alarming symptoms in the behavior of a widower, they should sound the alarm and not let the situation take its course.

Suicidal thoughts

Due to the loss of a husband or wife, the psyche is destabilized. Some begin to feel that the best solution is voluntary death. Thoughts of suicide bring out the strongest negativity on others. This is why those who have been trying to help a widower for a long time often begin to distance themselves from him: it is very difficult to resist negative attitudes. Close ones abstract themselves, trying to instinctively protect themselves from destructive negativity. This can be a fatal mistake, since the psyche of a person who has experienced the death of his wife or husband can push him to commit suicide. Such people urgently need qualified help. Under no circumstances should you turn away from a person in such a state, it is dangerous for his life. According to statistics, most suicides occur due to the death of loved ones.

Denial of loss

This is a defense mechanism that tends to take different forms. It can be expressed in denial of the very fact of death, its significance or irreversibility. After the loss of a loved one, one way or another destroys the connection with the deceased, but sometimes the psyche fails, and he unconsciously tries to get in touch with the deceased: out of habit, he begins to call him, talk about him as if he were alive, and see him in the crowd.

In some cases, widowers try to keep everything as it was with the deceased. For example, husbands leave their wife's dressing room in the same condition as when she was alive, putting her things in the same places. This behavior is normal for the first time after the funeral; it creates a kind of “buffer” that softens the loss. However, if this continues for months or years, you should consult a psychologist, since denial of loss can develop into more serious psychological disorders.

Uncontrollable emotional reactions

Against the background of stress, inappropriate emotional reactions may occur: hysterics, uncontrollable laughter, tears over “trifles.” For example, a woman who has lost her husband may cry for hours over a broken plate or laugh in a completely inappropriate situation. This is due to the suppression of emotions. If a widower is not able to fully give vent to his mental stress, it may manifest itself in an inadequate form. Such deviations are characteristic of introverts who cannot share their experiences with others. In order for a person of a closed personality type to fully experience grief, he needs the help of a psychologist.

Extreme weight loss

This symptom indicates that a person is unable to perform basic everyday tasks. The death of a wife or husband is so unsettling that the spouse forgets to take care of himself and maintain important biological functions. Loss of appetite is common to people who have experienced a serious shock in life. But when this period drags on, and even external changes in the body are already evident, you need to seek help.

When is depression after the death of a loved one considered prolonged?

On average, a year is allotted for mourning events. During this time, mourners go through various stages of accepting the death of their neighbor - from complete denial to resignation to the inevitable. Common memorial dinners, sorting through the deceased’s belongings, and reorganizing one’s own life gradually lift a person out of a depressive state. Equally important during this period is the support of friends and family members. And yet, when is depression considered prolonged? When detachment and apathy are long-lasting, and emotional experiences and obsessive conversations about the deceased continue for over nine months.

How to cope with grief after the death of your beloved husband?

The first months after the loss are spent getting used to the new conditions. The main thing is not to dwell on grief, gradually come to terms with the loss, accept it. After working through what happened, you can return to life, learn to rejoice again and please your family.

Advice from a psychologist: where to start revival?

Communication will help you pull yourself together:

loved ones, children, grandchildren, brothers, sisters;
Friends;
psychologist;
philosophical literature;
religion.

What to choose depends on preferences and habits. There are sure to be people on this list who can look at loss from a new perspective. Religion explains what happens to the soul after the death of the body. Friends come up with new and interesting entertainment. The psychologist tells how to come to terms with loss and see the light in the darkness. With loved ones you can remember funny stories about the deceased.

Advice from a psychologist: how to survive the death of your husband, life in a new way

Activities that can restore interest in the world around you:

searching for worthy goals, achieving which the widow will feel that her deceased husband is proud of her;
charity. Helping others is the best way to make amends for your experiences in a positive way;
searching for new activities. It's time to discover your talents, try what you didn't have time for before;
searching for new places. Curiosity is the main enemy of apathy. There are so many interesting things around! Once you turn on your observation skills, grief will begin to recede. Traveling and a change of scenery is the best way to shake things up;
release of emotions. A healthy, well-groomed, beautiful body is the best medicine for a grieving soul. Get rid of negativity. You can cry about the deceased even five years after the tragedy. The key is to set boundaries and stick to them. Learn to distinguish between heavy sorrow and light sadness;
Feel grateful: for what happened, for the priceless days of life together, for the experience of loss. Gratitude is a real balm for the heart of the bereaved.

Background

One night my grandfather became ill and I called an ambulance for him. And then the doctors made a terrible diagnosis. My grandfather had terminal cancer. One could try to perform an operation, but he would not survive. His strength quickly left him. We took grandpa home and took care of him. They bought medicines that did not help him, but kept him alive as much as possible.

For a month I watched his suffering, and my heart was torn from pain. This was a big shock for me, from which I could not recover for a whole year.

I knew that grandfather would die, but it is impossible to prepare for this. A person will never come to terms with death, and it will always cause severe pain, no matter how much time is given to say goodbye.

Advice from priests

The Church views death as an inevitable part of every person’s life—the final part. The priests are sure that it is the behavior, attitude and mood of the widow that influences the state of the deceased man in the afterlife.

Attention! The more and longer the widow grieves, the longer the soul will toil between two worlds.

Tears, deep despair and unwillingness to reconcile and accept her fate are a sign that the widow is not ready to let her husband go to the best of worlds, which is why he does not go to heaven.

What do priests advise?

After death, only the physical body ceases to exist, but the soul has immortality. In order for her to find peace, she really needs the support and care of loved ones, so loved ones must take care of their souls. If a woman falls into deep sorrow, she commits one of the 8 deadly sins - despondency.
All your energy potential, love and strength must be directed to prayer. You need to pray for the peace of mind of the deceased until the 40th day.
After death, the souls of loved ones are united in heaven, provided that both souls go to heaven. Excessive lamentations over the deceased and grief are incompatible with the Christian religion, so a woman dooms herself to a restless life after death.
You need to understand that even though your husband is not physically present, he is not nearby, now he is next to God.
You can write a note in which the woman confesses her love, talks about tenderness and gratitude, says everything that, as it seems to her, she did not have time to say, take it to the grave, and after that make a donation to the temple for the repose of her husband. You need to ask God for help to survive grief, and then he will certainly help.
Falling into deep sadness, believing that life is over and happiness will never be experienced again, a woman brings anxiety to her late husband. He watches his beloved from heaven, and, seeing how she endlessly cries and grieves, he himself will not be able to find peace.

In the video, the priest tells how to get out of depression after the death of a loved one:

Don't hesitate to ask for help

If you can’t cope with the situation on your own and you haven’t been able to cope with depression for a long time, consult a psychologist. He will help:

find out what barrier prevents you from getting out of a depressed state and starting to live again;
clearly formulate feelings, after which it will be easier to accept them;
work through the current state and let the deceased go with a light soul.

Urgent help from a psychotherapist is required for the following manifestations:

feeling of complete hopelessness;
obsessive thoughts of suicide;
uncontrollable intense crying;
inhibition of physical reactions and speech;
critical weight loss;
inability to perform basic household tasks;
loss of concentration.

The help of a psychologist may also be needed if, for example, you do not know how to tell your child about the death of a loved one and help him survive the tragedy. After all, he may not understand what happened and may not experience the shock that you experienced. But the child will acutely feel the further absence of a loved one in his life, experiencing stress, fear, anxiety, etc. In order to avoid negative consequences in the form of mental disorders and complexes, it is recommended to consult a psychologist and spend as much time as possible with your child.

What is the treatment for depression from loss?

A person may have difficulty overcoming depression due to the following circumstances:

thanatophobia occurs;
pain from interruption of emotional connection;
lack of feeling of security;
strong confidence in one's guilt;
resentment towards the person who left and left the grieving person;
misunderstanding why this happened and the loved one is now gone.

Then you can’t cope without the help of a doctor. Psychotherapy sessions have proven themselves the most. However, in very advanced or profound conditions, medications may be prescribed, namely:

antidepressants;
neuroleptics;
tranquilizers.

The doctor may also prescribe:

a course of vitamin therapy;
physiotherapy;
nootropic drugs.

During the consultation, the psychotherapist determines at what stage of processing grief the patient is. Based on its condition, the best option for the further path is selected. In some cases, such as severe cases of depressive disorder, a psychiatrist will prescribe antidepressants. They improve physical condition and remove the feeling of constraining despair and hopelessness.

How to get out of depression after the death of your husband by talking to a psychotherapist? A mandatory element of therapy is interpersonal, cognitive behavioral therapy, as well as individual psychotherapeutic sessions and work in a support group.

In psychology, the grief process has several stages, which a person goes through in different sequences. These are denial (isolation), anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance of the situation (humility). You don't have to go through all the stages to get out of grief. However, if a person falls into a depressive phase, he may not have enough strength to get out of it on his own.

This requires individual sessions and conversations with a specialist. It will help you find internal resources to survive this stage. At this moment, it is important for the patient to have the opportunity to speak out and express emotions. At the discretion of the specialist, elements of art therapy and sand therapy may be used.

Joining a support group for people who have experienced the death of a loved one can also be very therapeutic. The patient ceases to feel alone in his grief. He has the opportunity to share his feelings with people who understand him.

Sometimes there is a need for the help of doctors - do not hesitate to contact them; in such cases, treatment is carried out in a hospital, under the supervision of medical staff.

Among the drugs used in various methods, one can name antidepressants, tranquilizers, and sometimes antipsychotics. Physiotherapy, vitamin therapy, nootropics, proper daily routine, help from a psychologist - all this helps to get out of depression completely and without relapse, because we are talking about a reactive etiology.

All of us go through loss.

At such moments, it is important not to let yourself plunge into the abyss of despair and find the strength to survive. It turns out that time really heals and reveals new colors of the world

After all, spring always comes after winter, whether we like it or not. When remembering your mother, let there be only light sadness and gratitude that she was with you. The departed are always invisibly present as long as people remember them.

You cannot live in the past, if you want to take only good things from the past, think more about others and very little about yourself, and then there will be no getting stuck in grief. Experiencing grief does not mean forgetting about it, but learning to live fully after the loss.

It is not always easy to determine this condition, however, the following symptoms will help identify deep depression in order to consult a specialist in time.

Sadness and longing for a loved one that does not go away for several months.
A person is haunted by images of the deceased, hallucinations and visited by obsessive thoughts.
Refusal to accept reality.
Abuse of alcohol or psychotropic drugs.
A person consciously avoids those things that remind him of the deceased.
Feeling of emptiness and loss of meaning in life.
Deep, persistent feeling of guilt.
Suicidal thoughts and suicide attempts.
Lethargy and inability to perform daily activities.
The belief that the deceased is alive.

How to help a bereaved person?

A person who has recently experienced grief finds himself isolated. His acquaintances begin to shun him.

Communication with friends stops. It does not evoke positive emotions in others, it only causes discomfort. A person cries and you have to console him, but it’s not always possible to find the right words. Talking about a departed relative or friend seems unnecessary. Conversations on unrelated topics seem inappropriate. A person may think that others are being insensitive. All these circumstances lead to the fact that friends and family try to leave their loved one alone so that he can cope with the loss on his own. How to come to terms with death? This question comes to mind for many of those who understand that they themselves must help themselves cope with grief. After all, only strong people are able to stay close in such a situation. It should be remembered that the emotional state after a loss goes through several stages.

Signs of Depression

The fact that depression has set in after the death of a relative is evidenced by the presence of the following manifestations:

the world is seen as black, in shades of gray;
no interests;
thoughts only about the deceased person;
food is consumed automatically;
may suffer from insomnia, nightmares;
increased anxiety;
thoughts about one's own death;
melancholy is constantly present;
the person feels guilty;
concentration is noticeably reduced, the person is unable to concentrate on anything;
his motor skills and thinking become inhibited;
there is slowness of speech;
feeling of emptiness and worthlessness;
lack of social contacts, desire to be alone;
apathy;
changes in behavior that are manifested by special oddities, for example, vagrancy;
hallucinations may occur;
a person stops taking care of himself;
physical weakness and fatigue are felt;
the individual becomes sedentary;
there is a constant expectation that something bad will happen;
a feeling of physical pain, which is unfounded by any disease, is a psychosomatic manifestation;
Excessive sweating, tachycardia, and possible arrhythmia may be observed.

If these manifestations persist for three months or longer, then a diagnosis of depression is made. This state will be especially profound if the individual was present at the death of his loved one.

The following signs may indicate a condition that requires mandatory treatment:

lack of acceptance of death;
disappearance of goals in life;
shock after the death of a loved one;
inability to trust someone;
numbness (for example, can be observed when a child dies).

What to do if you feel guilty

After the loss of a spouse, a wife can be consumed by a whole tangle of emotions: anger at the deceased, despair or hopelessness. Almost everyone feels guilty before the deceased. Many people think that they could have prevented the death and did not do everything that was required. This is a misconception. It is impossible to change the outcome of events, so blaming yourself is in vain. Being stuck in guilt can easily lead to depression.

Anger at yourself can serve as a catalyst for suicide, especially if you abuse alcohol. The feeling of guilt must be killed as soon as it arises, otherwise a second death cannot be avoided. Committing suicide is the easiest way, and only strong people are capable of reconciling themselves and continuing to live in the name of the deceased.

It happens that a wife whose beloved husband has died soon finds a new lover and reproaches herself for having feelings for a new person. Many widows find comfort in a new man, and don't hate yourself for deciding to move on. The deceased would be happy to see his beloved in good hands.

Letting go of a person does not mean stopping loving him at all. Over time, painful memories will turn into bright sadness.

To live on

Psychologists speak and advise to move on. Different people have different ideas about what it means to survive the loss of a loved one and move on with life. For some, this means returning to the daily routine. For others, moving forward involves praying, reaching out to others, and working to make grief less emotionally taxing or draining. There are also many misconceptions about moving forward: this does not mean that you need to forget about the death of your husband, wife, child, son, mother, father or never acknowledge it. Many mourners visit the graves of their loved ones to honor them, leave flowers and pay their respects. Others keep photographs of the recently departed in their homes or at their places of work. While everyone can continue to live in their own way, this is an important part of dealing with death in the family and one of the answers to the question of how to cope with the loss of a loved one.

How to help a friend cope with the death of her husband

When a loved one faces grief, you want to ease their pain at least a little. Comforting a friend who may be aggressive, withdrawn, or withdrawn after the death of her husband is difficult. She cannot be helped in any way except to listen and offer real support - to look after the children, organize a funeral, buy groceries. In some cases, it is useful to visit church together so that your friend can pray and talk with the priest.

A friend needs to be provided with round-the-clock moral support. It is better to make sure that at first there is someone near her at all times. Sometimes a widow will want to be left alone with her grief. But she should feel the presence of a loved one nearby - this will bring relief.

It is not necessary to constantly talk to the widow, but if she wants to talk, you need to listen - this is a kind of psychotherapy. If your friend is rude in response and refuses help, you should sound the alarm: perhaps she is unable to cope with stress on her own. In this case, it is better to contact specialists.

Many people are much tougher than they think. The realization that life goes on will help open a new page in life, preserving bright memories of the deceased.

Stages of Grief

Psychologists identify seven stages that allow you to come to terms with and understand what happened.

The first stage is called denial. The individual does not believe what happened and does not understand how to continue to live. He may begin to behave inappropriately. It is important that there are people nearby who could bring the grieving person out of his state, distract him, and make him think about others who are also experiencing the death of a loved one. There is no need to try to console him, he is now unable to accept your help. At this stage, the person is able to hear the voice of the deceased person, see him in the crowd, but this is all a reaction to what happened, and not a deviation in the psyche.
The second stage is the manifestation of anger. The person believes that what happened was unfair, does not understand why it happened to him, to his family, begins to show his anger towards people who are alive and well, calmly walking down the street, sitting on a bench, communicating, does not understand, why are they alive when his relative is no longer there?
The third stage is a feeling of guilt. A person begins to blame himself for not being attentive enough, behaving incorrectly, or spending little time. For some, this feeling persists throughout their lives.
The fourth stage is a state of depression. The individual no longer has the strength to hide his condition, his emotions. One feels completely exhausted and the person becomes unhappy.
The fifth stage is acceptance. The person finally realizes what exactly happened, the pain becomes less, and the depression slowly goes away. The realization comes that you can now let go of the situation and move on with your life.
The sixth stage is the period of revival. After the death of a loved one, an understanding comes that one needs to live on, accept new conditions, but at the same time the individual withdraws into himself and communicates little with other people. One gets the impression that he is constantly analyzing something. This period can even last up to two years or more.
The seventh stage describes the beginning of a new life. This is a period when the stages of grief are experienced, life is at a new level. Some individuals at this stage are trying to find new friends, change the environment, someone changes their place of residence, work, does everything to ensure that nothing reminds them of the past. For example, the realization may come that the death of her mother was a deliverance for her if the woman had been ill and suffered for a long time before this.

The problem is that not all people are able to go through the seven stages; sometimes they get stuck at the fourth stage, locked in their tragedy. In this situation, you need to contact a psychotherapist. A specialist will help you cope with the current situation and teach you how to overcome depression. A psychotherapist will help you overcome all stages of grief, maintain a healthy psyche, and prevent complications from developing.

The death of a father or mother literally deprives you of support; this is especially difficult for those people for whom family is the most valuable thing in life. For a person, a connection with his mother is the basis for a feeling of inner comfort.

Main goals

How to come to terms with the death of a loved one? To overcome mental pain, it is necessary to go through several stages, which involve the active participation of a relative or friend of the deceased in their life. These tasks were identified by psychologist J. William Worden. These include:

Acknowledgment of loss. In order to get used to it, you need to give yourself time.
Experiencing feelings of grief.
Reorganization of the environment and situation.
Forming a new perception of the deceased and continuing one’s own life without him.

The active role of a person in the process of accepting grief does not mean that you need to rely only on your own strength. If an individual has relatives or friends in his life who are ready to provide support, this circumstance helps to improve his state of mind.

Time does not heal

Psychologists, of course, help bereaved parents. They give advice on how to cope with the death of your son, but before you listen to them, you need to understand several important things. This is especially true for those who want to help their friends or relatives overcome grief.

No one can come to terms with the death of their child. A year will pass, two, twenty, but this pain and melancholy will still not go away. They say that time heals. This is wrong. A person just gets used to living with his grief. He can also smile and do what he loves, but he will be a completely different person. After the death of a child, a black, deaf void forever settles inside the parents, in which unfulfilled hopes, unspoken words, feelings of guilt, resentment and anger at the whole world huddle like sharp fragments.

With each new breath, these fragments seem to increase, turning the insides into a bloody mess. Of course, this is a metaphor, but those who wonder how to cope with the death of their son experience something like this. Time will pass, and the bloody mess will already become a common occurrence, but as soon as some external irritant reminds you of what happened, sharp thorns will immediately break out of the embrace of emptiness and frantically dig into the already slightly healed flesh.

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Mother's death

Such an event is very difficult

And it doesn’t matter how old the son or daughter is

If you do not pay attention to overcoming all stages of grief, the consequences of the tragedy will haunt a person throughout his life. “How to come to terms with the death of your mother?” - this question is asked by individuals of different ages

Reviews recommend the following:

You need to give yourself a certain period of time to get used to the situation. Gradually, a person needs to return to everyday duties. After all, a mother would hardly want her son or daughter’s life to stop with her death

It is important to try to preserve things and memories associated with a loved one. You can collect things, jewelry, photos in a box

Invite relatives and treat them to the food that mother loved, talk to them about her. It is important to devote enough time to your health, proper nutrition, rest and sleep. Try to communicate with those who can provide support. Try to distract yourself from sad thoughts. Walking, hobbies, and housework will help with this.

Understand your feelings

First of all, you need to understand that you can cope with grief in any case. For some it takes several weeks, for others it takes several years. Don’t compare yourself to anyone and don’t rush to pretend that everything is fine. In due time you will understand that grief is receding. Remember: Mom always wanted you to be happy and calm. Try to understand that she would not want your grief. Start slowly returning to your normal life and don’t blame yourself for it. The person closest to you would never be upset because you long for happiness.

How to cope with the death of your mother? Memories will help you accept your loss. Preserve the image of your loved one as much as possible not only in your memory, but also on paper - write down everything you remember about her. Also, from time to time, tell other people about the deceased. So her image will not dissipate for a long time. Ask relatives and family friends about your mother. Their stories will make your memories more vivid and colorful. Remember that it’s impossible to remember every little detail, so don’t beat yourself up if you forget something.

Regular and adequate sleep will help cope with stress and cope with the death of your mother. Spend 7–8 hours a day on it. This way you will not be overtired and will be able to adequately assess your condition. Don't forget about self-care - try to look your usual, but don't be too hard on yourself. If grief has consumed you so much that complete apathy has set in, allow yourself to forget about everything for a short time. As soon as you feel stronger, try to restore your usual daily routine. Some things in it may remind you of your mother. Make a to-do list so that in moments of acute melancholy you can be in the company of people who can provide support.

With death, life ends, but communication is not interrupted

It's not easy to be separated from those we love. Under any circumstances, the loss of a loved one is a great grief.

Amy Green, M.D., M.D., director of the Center for Spiritual Care at the Cleveland Clinic (USA), notes that with death, life ends, but communication does not end.

Adapting to a new reality takes time and is unpredictable. Grief is a unique process, just as every grieving person is unique.

At times, emotions are hidden behind a feeling of detachment. And sometimes you feel that everything inside you is shrinking. It also happens that you have a desire to smash into pieces everything that surrounds you. Other times you may feel something like peace.

That's why, as Dr. Amy Greene notes, it's important to be patient. Everyone has their own unique way of coping with bereavement. . Often people who are close to you do not understand what grief is and what it means to grieve

They may advise you to get busy. But often this simply postpones the emotional experiences that we all must go through.

Often people who are close to you do not understand what grief is and what it means to grieve. They may advise you to get busy. But often this simply postpones the emotional experiences that we all must go through.

We live in a culture in which a person is expected to quickly deal with grief, as if it were one of the obstacles in his life's journey. We just want to rise above it. But the truth is, says Amy Greene, that it's normal for anyone grieving to feel for long periods of time as if their whole world has turned upside down.

Be patient with the people around you who have good intentions but sometimes do not understand how the grieving person truly feels. It is difficult for the average person who has not been trained in how to help people through grief to understand that grief is a multi-step process. After all, mental and spiritual work, which psychologists call the work of sadness, unfolds gradually and in stages.

Professional help from a psychologist to cope with the death of a loved one

Seeking professional help and advice from a psychologist is one of the best ways to cope less painfully with the loss of a loved one, move through the stages of grief and ultimately move on with your life. Unfortunately, this is still a problem: grieving people are not in the mood to talk to anyone or listen to advice. In the earliest stages of loss and grief, simply discussing death can do more harm than good. However, after some time, talking with a psychologist can help. Communication provides a release that does not exist when thoughts and feelings are bottled up and stewing inside.

Here at Helppoint, providing help and advice to those who contact us is a priority, no matter who you are or what you are going through. While we all have work to do, we don't have to do it alone. Help should always be available to those who need it. Dealing with a death in the family or other traumatic experiences is not a process that should be rushed. It's normal to crave solitude for a while.

Helppoint will always be available to those who need advice and assistance. Whether you are experiencing the loss of a loved one or something else, we want you to know that you are not alone and can always turn to us for advice.

You can contact Helppoint at any time.

Author: Editorial staff of the Help-Point.net portal

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Questions to God

– Is it possible to say that there is God’s will for death or death for good, or God gave - God took?

– There is no will of God for death, because God did not create death.

– How then: “Even the hairs of your head are all numbered” (Matthew 10:30), that is, this means that nothing will happen without the will of the Father? How to accept this?

– Because God entered this death by His will. Yes, apparently our days are somehow numbered. There is God's providence for each of us. Each of us is His concern. And for some the days are extended, for others they are shortened. It is obvious. Someone dies, so to speak, a good death. And death devours someone in a terrible and incomprehensible, terrible way. Just recently, our parishioners died in a fire - a father and a little 11-year-old girl, his daughter...

- Why is this happening? Why do small children die – and die horribly?

- Don't know. I have many questions for God, including me. And they must be asked to Him honestly. This is fine.

A person can say “God gave - God took” not because he doesn’t care, but because he really trusts God and understands: if you let God into the space of your life, into the space of your happiness, into the space of joy and trouble, then God will cope with everything. This means that a person can cope with everything.

It's a matter of trust. But it’s not that they answered your questions, and you said: yeah, I see. God is not obligated to answer our questions at all. He constantly confirms to man that He is Love. And how He does this is the mystery in which He exists.

– Then another question arises: how does He confirm that He is Love if children die, there are wars, and so on?

- That's what we're talking about. It seems to us that God must confirm, constantly justifying himself to us for the misfortunes that happen in the world. And He confirms this by His personal presence in every situation in which a person finds himself. Because where a person is, God is next to him.

But the evil in the world, wars and so on, was not created by God.

Teodor Aksentovich. Mother at her son's grave, 1915

Question for psychologists

Asked by: Julia, 40 years old

Question category: Stress and depression

22.11.2018

Good afternoon, I am 39 years old, my mother is 69. Two years ago we buried my father after a long illness. It was a lot of stress for all of us. He was a wonderful husband and father, he always took care of the family, my mother was “MARRIED” in the literal sense of the word. I understood that it would be difficult mentally, but it had to be overcome. With mom it turned out to be much more complicated! She has always been a strong-willed and rather powerful person; with age, all her character traits became more pronounced. They lived in marriage for 37 years and dad was everything to her. After the funeral, for the second year now, she does not want to leave the house. My already not very good state of health has worsened (my blood pressure constantly fluctuates, osteochondrosis, I have lost a lot of weight, I eat little). Constant tears, inadequate response to harmless words, accusing me of not living up to her hopes and that no one needs her. Although this is absolutely not true. I have my own family: a husband and a 6-year-old son, we live 10 minutes walk from each other. After the funeral, my child and I moved to my mother’s place and lived with her, helping and encouraging her. And now I cook, clean, go shopping and bring her everything she needs every other day, or even stay overnight, and on weekends, too, with her. We call each other several times a day. But you’ll never guess in what tone my mother will answer me; she might hang up halfway through the conversation if my tone seems “not right.” To be honest, I’m already afraid to call her, because I don’t know what kind of mood I’ll get into. She quarreled with all her relatives, accusing them of all conceivable and unimaginable sins. It got to the point that my relatives had already begun to sympathize with me because of my mother’s behavior. Even strangers who answered her “not the way she wants” are equated to enemies! When asked to go for a consultation with a psychologist, there is only one answer - they won’t help me in any way, I myself can teach them some sense! Against this background, over time, I myself began to feel depressed. I became nervous, embittered, began to lose my temper both at work and at home, people and society as a whole began to irritate me! I want to take it and run far into the dense forest so that no one touches or says anything. I try not to react to my mother’s words addressed to me, but I can’t, it becomes offensive and I literally give up. I understand that she is partly a manipulator, before all the “bumps” went to my dad, but now I am instead of him... All my friends and relatives tried to pull her out of this state, but in vain. She herself says that she doesn’t want to go out into the street, that there’s no point... people are walking down the street, but Vitya (my dad) doesn’t have a tear... that is. Dad was the meaning of life. I’m trying to convince her that her life is valuable regardless of her dad, that she needs to move on with her life, he would not approve of such behavior, but so far there is no progress... Please advise what can be done and how not to slip further into depression? I love my mother and want to help, but sometimes it just becomes unbearable... Thank you.

How to understand that you need to seek help from specialists

It is especially difficult to come to terms with death if it happened suddenly, the husband died at a young age, or the spouses were in a quarrel at the time of his death. A woman who does not know how to live after the death of her husband may experience obsessive thoughts, symptoms of depression, and nightmares. The peak of despair comes 3-4 months after the loss. Post-traumatic stress disorder may appear even after a year or two. Then the widow realizes the irreversibility of the loss, but no longer receives the same support from loved ones.

If the state of detachment, irritability, loss of interest in life continues for a long time, this is a reason to think about professional help.

This is especially important when somatic symptoms are observed: abdominal pain, nausea

Grief and loss therapy is a separate part of psychotherapy. There are doctors who specialize in working with such patients. They know how to talk to them so that they do not become re-traumatized by remembering the past. A psychologist will be able to tell you how to survive the death of your husband, learn to live life to the fullest, and find new goals and guidelines. The specialist will tell you how to change your lifestyle, fill it with joy and meaning, and provide psychotherapeutic support.

What are the stages of experiencing loss?

In the 50s, American psychologist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross developed a system of stages of accepting loss. These stages have been revised and criticized many times, but one way or another, all scientists studying this issue have partially returned to the Kübler-Ross stages. A person’s first reaction to the loss of a loved one is denial of the loss due to shock. This can reach the point of a painful mental reaction: in front of a person there is a coffin with the body of his loved one, an autopsy has already been performed, but he continues to deny that his loved one has died.

It must be said that not every person who has lost a loved one goes through all the stages of grief - someone needs only two or three steps on the way to a normal state.

Next comes the stage of anger: “Why did this happen to me, to my loved one? Why not with someone else? It could be anger that a loved one died while others survived. This often happens after accidents, such as traffic accidents. The man wonders why the one sitting next to him survived, and this makes him very angry. The third stage is bargaining. A person bargains with fate, for example, he makes a wish that the missing person will return if the coin falls one way or another.

The fourth stage is depression. The person begins to accept the loss, but loses interest in life. The fifth stage is acceptance, which may be accompanied by melancholy and apathy. However, a person comes out of apathy and begins to look for new ways of accepting loss and interest in life. It helps someone to plant a tree, give birth to a child, or, for example, establish a fund to help cancer patients - it depends on the situation. It must be said that not every person who has lost a loved one goes through all the stages of grief - someone needs only two or three steps on the way to a normal state.

How to cope with the bitterness of loss on your own

If you are faced with an irreparable loss, give yourself time to accept it and understand that your past life will not return. But the pain will subside, the emotions will subside and bright sadness and good memories will remain. Here's how you can help yourself on your journey from grief to peace.

Don't keep your feelings to yourself. Don't try to be comfortable quiet and hassle-free. While emotions are overwhelming, do not try to hold them back, do not smile forcefully. If you are very embarrassed to pour out your soul in front of others, seclude yourself, go to the forest, where no one will see, and give free rein to your tears. Together with them, cortisol, the stress hormone, will leave your body, and relief will come.

Try keeping a diary. Describe whatever you want there. Your memories of the deceased, or your present feelings, your vision of the future without him, or all of this at once. You will see over time, this practice will give you peace and order in your thoughts, and therefore in your emotions.

Write a letter to the deceased, write everything you think is necessary, including your anger and bitterness because he left you. Yes, it’s not constructive, but these feelings exist and they need to be given vent.

There is such a technique: “Memory Banks”

Take two large jars or vases, it is important that they are transparent. Write down on pieces of paper all the good memories associated with the deceased and your life with him, and put them in one jar

On other pieces of paper, write all the bad memories and negative emotions and put them in the second jar. Over time, the flow of memory will weaken and symbolic release of negative memories can be carried out. You can take out all the bad pieces of paper, crumple them up and burn them. On the contrary, put the jar with good memories in a prominent place so that you can clearly see how many good things you had and have not gone anywhere. This ritual will help you release your emotions, especially if you have recurring negative thoughts that haunt you. And concentrate on the good things that were and will forever remain with you about your departed loved one.

These are just a few techniques that can help you cope with loss, but remember, the only healer for grief is time.

Surviving the pain of loss or Modern pharmacology in experiencing grief

— Let's talk about the possibilities of supporting a person in grief with pharmacotherapy. Often friends, acquaintances, and relatives advise a person who is in grief (and sometimes even children) to take one or another drug “that will help.” Often several different drugs are offered. They do this, of course, with good intentions, but often the result is not at all good.

— Unfortunately, this happens often. Such “helpers” proceed from the assumption that since “it helped me, it will help him too.” In this case, the physical and mental state of the grieving person, indications and contraindications for the use of these drugs, and much more are usually not taken into account. In the end, it turns out that “they tried to do better, but it turned out as always.”

When several drugs interact simultaneously, which a person took on the advice of “good neighbors” on the landing, a completely uncontrollable process can occur, leading to unpredictable consequences. Intoxication may occur in the human body. The person’s well-being deteriorates: slurred speech, dizziness, poor perception of current events, a sharp drop in blood pressure.

I came across similar cases at work: I had to prescribe drips to remove the drugs recommended by “neighbors” from the victims’ bodies.

I recommend that you be very careful with such “prescriptions” and, if possible, still seek help from a doctor.

Naturally, I do not want to say that the grieving person should not be given any sedatives at all. You can give weak herbal preparations that are sold over-the-counter in pharmacies. The main thing to remember is that the worst thing is to harm a person who is already feeling bad.

Based on my experience, I can say that most often such “compassionate assistants” offer tranquilizers. They offer these remedies because the local doctor, when solving their, let me emphasize, personal problems in the past, prescribed tranquilizers.

— Tell us more about tranquilizers. How are they different from other remedies that can help a person who is in a state of “extreme grief”?

— It is very important to understand that tranquilizers never have an immediate calming effect, so a person who takes medications on his own without a doctor’s prescription can seriously harm himself. For example, being in a state of acute grief, a person cannot correctly calculate the dosage of medications. He can swallow various types of tablets. There were cases when patients took all the medications they had at home. Naturally, this led to the most unpredictable and often very sad consequences.

“Overdose” is a scary word. How to prevent an overdose if a person decides on his own, without a doctor’s advice, to take drugs or treat another person?

— To prevent an overdose, you must take only officially approved drugs that are sold without a prescription in pharmacies. And it is best, if possible, to contact a specialist. It must be understood that a person in a state of overdose does not experience emotional relief. On the contrary, he becomes inhibited and lethargic. Sometimes he may try to commit suicide. So this kind of self-medication is no joke.

— What to do if during the “acute period”—the first weeks—a person’s condition does not improve, but rather worsens, and the measures taken above do not help?

— Over-the-counter sedatives must be used. These are “Persen”, “Valocordin”, “Gelarium”, “Afobazol” in various combinations. If these remedies do not help, then you need to seek help from specialists.

— It turns out that you don’t need to take various psychotropic drugs?

— There are different types of psychotropic drugs. Strong psychotropic drugs can, and sometimes should, be taken, but ONLY as prescribed by a doctor. It is important to understand that the “man in the street,” in the good sense of the word, cannot understand pharmacology at the level of a specialist. Moreover, the dubious knowledge of the “common people” consists entirely of misconceptions. In other words, people do not clearly understand why they use this or that product sold in the pharmacy. I'm telling you this based on my experience.

Some people demonstrate their knowledge by getting it from the Internet and other sources of information. At the same time, they often confuse groups of drugs, calling antidepressants tranquilizers or the latter antipsychotics. The list demonstrating people's illiteracy in this matter can be continued for a very long time.

It is important to understand that only a specialist understands why this or that drug is taken, how to use it, etc.

I would like to say something about the advertised drugs. False advertising often misinforms people. Therefore, do not trust advertising, no matter how convincing it may sound.

A separate category of people are former patients who were treated by psychiatrists. With the air of experts, they explain to the grieving people what remedies they should take. In turn, I would recommend to these people not to give any advice to anyone, and to those to whom they recommend it, not to listen to such advisers.

- Now let's talk about antidepressants. We follow the West in the active use of these psychotropic drugs, which cannot but upset us. Moreover, taking antidepressants has become almost fashionable. Moreover, our culture of following doctor’s orders is far from the same as in the West. We can prescribe an antidepressant for ourselves, take it for a while, and then quit on our own. The results of such self-medication are known and sad. Tell us about these, mysterious to most people, antidepressants?

— All antidepressants look similar to non-specialists, but in reality they are not. These remedies have one thing in common: over time, they block the symptoms of depression. Therefore, some antidepressants cannot be abruptly discontinued, while others, if necessary, can be taken.

In any case, it is up to the specialist, and not the person himself, to decide which antidepressants to use or not to use.

It is necessary to take into account that antidepressants are divided into groups.

Older generation antidepressants (Lyudiomil, Amitriptyline, Melipramine, etc.) have a number of side and undesirable effects: double vision, dry mouth, sometimes muscle tremors, urinary retention, etc. Often, after taking these medications, patients have the illusion of improving their condition. They don't understand what they are saying. There are people who have heard that these remedies can help those who are in a state of “emotional grief.” In reality, this opinion is a fallacy.

Modern antidepressants are relatively safe and practically free of the above side effects. The main disadvantages of the new generation of antidepressants are that the effect of taking them occurs after two or more months, and that they are quite expensive. You should know that one-time doses of expensive antidepressants sold in pharmacies have virtually no positive effect.

— So, antidepressants do not immediately help in treating grief?

— These remedies act gradually. Usually the doctor prescribes a complex of drugs. The antidepressant affects the core of the state – grief. And other drugs (tranquilizers, axiolytics, etc.) block the elements of the disease: fear, the desire to commit suicide, as well as possible side effects that occur when taking an antidepressant.

The complex may also include a nootropic drug, it improves metabolism in the brain, makes it easier to tolerate side effects from the above drugs, improves overall tone, etc.

There is a danger that almost no one knows about: depression consists of several components. An antidepressant does not have a simultaneous effect on all these components. First, one component of the disease is cured, then another, etc.

For example, if a person has melancholy with pronounced psychomotor retardation, then under the influence of drugs the patient is initially cured of the retardation, and only then of the melancholy. Therefore, you should not be surprised when a sick person who has “come to life” - has become more active, suddenly commits actions that are difficult to explain, because depression has not disappeared, but only one of its components has been corrected. This confirms the need for specialist supervision, during this very dangerous period, of people undergoing treatment with modern antidepressants.

If you do not have the opportunity to turn to specialists, then you need to limit yourself, as I said earlier, to some herbal decoctions and herbal remedies that are sold in pharmacies without a prescription. “Novopassit”, “Afobazol”, “Persen”, various herbal preparations, tinctures of valerian, motherwort, hawthorn - these remedies do not have side effects, so they can be taken without fear. On their use, you can consult with pharmacy workers (pharmacists, pharmacologists, pharmacists).

— Some people find a solution to the problem by starting to drink alcohol. — A person prone to excessive alcohol consumption almost always resorts to a bottle as a means of improving his condition.

In the Russian outback, many men use alcohol to relax. It is difficult to convince them to give up a bad habit (addiction?).

We especially note that alcohol affects women unpredictably. They are more easily persuaded by others to stop drinking alcohol.

I would like to emphasize that you should never drink alcohol and drugs at the same time.

— It is known that alcohol often worsens the condition...

— For many people, alcohol acts as a catalyst, intensifying the condition. In small doses, it usually causes temporary calm, to some extent reduces the level of anxiety and tension, but the slightest excess of the dose increases all negative feelings many times over.

If you try to use alcohol to get rid of the feeling of melancholy, then you risk increasing this melancholy many times over, even to the point of suicide, to the point of antisocial manifestations. That is, instead of improving the experience of grief, you can greatly worsen your condition and the condition of those around you. You have to be very careful with alcohol.

— Why, when experiencing a crisis, some people avoid using drugs, while others, on the contrary, begin to actively use them?

“The judgments of these people are based on misconceptions. Usually (but not always) men tend to try to solve the problem on their own, without using drugs.

On the contrary, women most often begin to actively take various medications. Both solutions to the problem are wrong and stem from incorrect attitudes.

Men think that they have to be strong, that they have no right to cry and show weakness, and in their minds pills make them weak, dependent on drugs and specialists, etc. All these are stereotypes far from reality.

— What can you say about people who, on the contrary, treat their illness with pills? In some of these cases, people start taking medications that block the feelings of grief for a while, but then the grief returns.

“They look for alternative solutions to the problem and start using drugs that reduce anxiety but do not solve the problem.

It makes sense to use drugs when a person cannot control his reaction to the grief that has occurred. That is, in order to control yourself, and not so that the grief goes away. Grief goes away over time if a person can control himself normally. But grief doesn't just go away with pills.

“Many people are panicky about using medications because of possible side effects. That is, the fear of feeling these side effects leads to the fact that a person refuses the medicine. What can you say about this?

— It is not necessary to associate all the side effects that are indicated in the annotation with taking the drug in all cases. Firstly, it is necessary to clearly understand that the drug instructions are aimed at employees of insurance companies.

In the West, people sue drug manufacturers if they discover side effects during treatment. Therefore, manufacturers include all possible, even unlikely, side effects in the annotation in order to avoid litigation with insurance companies.

In general, the topic is large; it will not be possible to talk about everything in a nutshell.

In short, if you decide to purchase this or that medicine at the pharmacy, you need to consult your doctor.

Any drug is potentially dangerous. The dose, duration of use, individual tolerance of a particular drug by a person - these are the conditions that must be observed when using any drug.

Each drug has a list of the most common side effects associated with its use.

If something happens to you while taking a medication that surprises you that has not happened to you before, it most likely has something to do with the drug you are taking, or a combination of several drugs creates this side effect.

If unknown physiological phenomena occur, you need to stop taking the medications. For example, you become more anxious rather than calm, you feel weak, your blood pressure drops, a sharp headache, nausea, dizziness, double vision, etc.

It is also not recommended to take psychotropic drugs if a person is sick, for example, with the flu, acute respiratory infections, colds, etc. It is better to refrain from taking psychotropic drugs during illness.

- So often people take Phenazepam. And no one knows its side effects.

— By the way, “Phenazepam” is a heavy, potent benzodiazepine tranquilizer. Although this drug is allowed for free sale by our imperfect, in my opinion, legislation. Therefore, Phenazepam poses a great danger - especially for children. Doses of the drug inconsistent with the doctor can lead to suicidal thoughts, activity in this direction, a lot of side effects, and severe poisoning.

— Is there a danger of side effects when using the simplest, most common, herbal, over-the-counter drugs?

- Yes, this happens. Any good action can be taken to the point of absurdity and made dangerous if done incorrectly.

A case from my practice. A young woman lost her five-year-old daughter. There was no person next to her who could support her. She was left alone with her grief.

The woman began to “fill in” her grief with “Corvalol” and “Valocordin”.

These drugs contain phenobarbital, which causes addiction similar to alcohol.

She gradually increased the dose: at the beginning she took a bottle, then two bottles, then three...

She could not overcome grief, and it almost destroyed her. She began to blame humanity for all her troubles, quit her job, and actually became disabled. But she was a normal person.

As a result, she became an alcoholic, although she did not understand what happened to her. Therefore, I always warn my patients not to abuse even the simplest remedies. But this, of course, does not mean that they must be abandoned and not accepted. No, if everything is done wisely, then there will be no harm, and there will be great benefit. We should not be afraid of medications, but we should be afraid of their incorrect, excessive and unreasonable use.

— The use of some psychotropic drugs imposes restrictions. For example, you cannot drive a car, operate machinery, or perform work that requires precise coordination of movements.

— Psychotropic drugs must be distinguished. There is a group of tranquilizers that reduce concentration, especially if used in large dosages. Therefore, when using these medications, working with machinery, driving vehicles, and much more is contraindicated. Older generation antidepressants can also cause lethargy, double vision, worsening reactions in the patient. When using them, it is also better to refrain from precise activities, including driving a car. The same restrictions apply to sleeping pills.

I don’t think that a person who is experiencing grief will particularly understand the groups and types of psychotropic drugs, so if you are taking such drugs, limit yourself to driving, working with machinery, etc. You should not expose yourself and others to additional serious risks.

But if your doctor has confirmed that the drug you are taking is harmless in this regard, then you can safely get behind the wheel.

— A person who is in a state of grief often has worse sleep. Should you take sleeping pills?

— If insomnia is caused by grief or depression, then taking sleeping pills is undesirable. The fact is that in this case we will correct the symptom, not its cause.

In addition, sleeping pills are formally considered safe and non-addictive, but in reality, in some cases (not always), dependence on them can occur, especially if used incorrectly.

Before using sleeping pills, you should try to normalize your sleep naturally. To do this, you need to maintain sleep hygiene and go to bed at the same time every day. Taking warm baths some time before bedtime and walking outside before bed also helps. Please note that a person suffering from insomnia at night can compensate for the missing hours of sleep during the day, so you should try to sleep only at night.

If insomnia lasts more than three to four days, then it is advisable to take sleeping pills, otherwise their use is undesirable. In any case, sleeping pills can be taken once or in short courses, be sure to first consult with your doctor.

I would like to note that drugs used to reduce anxiety and fight depression also improve the quality of sleep, although these drugs are not sleeping pills.

— Is there an opinion that folk remedies are much safer than drugs?

— Folk remedies often contain more chemicals than the drugs recommended for treatment by a doctor. Therefore, medicines can only be conditionally divided into “chemical” and “non-chemical”. The opinion that “herbs” do not pose a danger to people is erroneous.

Now it has become popular to take folk remedies and various nutritional supplements (BAS). Their composition is not sufficiently tested (they are tested only for health safety, but not for effectiveness), so advertising and information provided by the developers cannot be trusted. And I can’t say anything at all about folk recipes. Maybe some of them will fit and some won't. You have to look at this yourself carefully.

— We often even show programs and advertisements on TV in which viewers are advised to use certain folk remedies (some talk shows are especially notable for this). Can these recommendations be trusted and followed?

— These programs are only useful if they promote a healthy lifestyle among the population. I do not recommend using the proposed means; they can pose a real danger.

- Let's discuss another important topic. Both mentally healthy and mentally ill people experience grief. What happens to a person with a chronic psychiatric illness if he experiences grief?

— Faced with grief, such a person’s mental illness can very often worsen. But not always. It is impossible to predict absolutely exactly how grief will affect his condition.

If a person’s initial deviation from the psychiatric norm is large, then an exacerbation of the disease is almost always guaranteed.

— What should relatives do with a person suffering from a psychiatric illness if he has experienced grief? Should I take him to the doctor or take some other action?

“If such a person begins to behave inappropriately, for example, to overreact to something, speaks nonsense or is rude, or is afraid of persecution, then you need to immediately play it safe and show him to a doctor, and not try to solve the problem on your own.

In addition, relatives will then need to monitor the patient’s intake of medications prescribed by a specialist.

- I would like to know the point of view of a doctor - a specialist on some other topical issues... Having experienced grief, some people compare their feelings with the experiences of other people, and then claim that they didn’t cry so much...

— Each person has a purely individual reaction to grief, the latter depends on gender, age, level of impressionability and other factors of the person.

— What, from your point of view, is the main mistake of people who experience grief?

— A complex of stereotypes leads to the fact that a person, instead of reacting to grief, throwing it out, sharing it with someone, withdraws into himself and grief gradually begins to destroy him. This can manifest itself in different ways. For example, depressive reactions, adaptation disorder occur, in some cases psychosis, exacerbation of chronic diseases or the emergence of new ones may occur.

It's no secret that men aged 40-50 years often experience heart attacks, strokes, and experiencing grief. This happens because they keep the grief inside them.

In ancient societies, up until the 20th century, a ritual of “farewell to the dead” can be traced, which is essentially the same in all cultures, with minor differences.

Christian tradition: the nineteenth and fortieth period surprisingly coincide in phases with the timing of a normal person’s experience of grief.

— What else can you recommend to a person who is experiencing a loss?

— After the death of a loved one, after 40 days, it would be good to change the situation for a while. For example, leave the apartment for a while, where everything reminds you of the loss.

It’s good to go out of town, into nature, to visit relatives, a holiday home, a sanatorium. By replacing a psychotraumatic environment with another, psychopositive one, a person solves many problems in overcoming grief. He can think, grieve, cry, but he will not be influenced by the atmosphere of memories, things, places associated with precisely the place from which he temporarily left.

Changing the environment for a short time helps a lot in such cases. Often two or three weeks are enough for a completely different perception to appear that will help the experience of grief.

— How to find “your” specialist who you can completely trust?

- This is a sensitive question. A certified specialist is not always competent.

First of all, you need to make inquiries: find out about the organization in which the specialist works, what kind of person he is, what kind of education he has, etc. For example, very often self-proclaimed quack doctors make appointments in private apartments.

But having a diploma or the status of the institution where the specialist works also does not guarantee you quality assistance.

A good way to follow the recommendations of people you know, rely on your own intuition, and finally get to know the doctor better: visit him not once or twice, but more, to finally understand whether he is a professional.

In general, you should look for “your” doctor and it is not a fact that the first specialist will suit you.

— Often people cannot understand medical specializations - psychotherapist, neurologist, neurologist, psychiatrist, psychologist, etc. Which specialist is best for a person in grief to contact?

— The best option is to consult a psychotherapist. He can work with psychotherapeutic agents, and in addition prescribe medications. If for some reason you were unable to find a doctor in this specialty, then you can contact a therapist or neurologist - they can prescribe medications and give recommendations.

If we talk about psychologists, we must take into account that now among psychologists there are a huge number of non-professionals who take on complex problems (and experiencing grief is such a problem), but cannot do anything. They try to use some of their own methods, which are often just performances. Naturally, these methods do not bring any benefit to the grieving person.

Of course, this does not apply to all psychologists. If you find a crisis psychology specialist who works with the grieving, if he has good reviews, if he is a professional in this field, then consider yourself lucky. This specialist will most likely be able to help you.

Kingdom of the not deprived

“We are given some talents here, we paint pictures, build houses, and so on, and we also get joy from works of art and books. And then all this will be unnecessary, meaningless?

– I have no idea. I just don’t think that the Kingdom of Heaven is a Kingdom of deprived people who lack something. I think that is where there is completeness in everything. How it is implemented, we do not know.

– The most important thing is that here we learn to love our loved ones and God. And then – do earthly attachments remain or only love for God remains?

– This cannot happen, because the commandment to love God and man was given as an eternal commandment. If God loves a person, then how can we not love him?

Loving is a difficult thing. Loving spouses who got married for the sake of love and gave birth to children for the sake of this, at some moments suddenly look with doubt at their feelings and at each other. Loving your own children is not easy. Especially when they grow up. In general, it is very difficult to love someone if it is not a dog.

And it is even more difficult to love God. He doesn't answer questions with straight answers. He is incomprehensible. He leaves you, and you become afraid when you do not feel His presence. He is incorruptible, it is difficult to learn to talk to Him. It's easier not to love Him. It is easier to obey Him, to pay tribute, rent, tax in the form of fulfilling duties. So learning to love God is a very difficult matter.

– What happens to the sacrament of marriage after death? A man and a woman unite their lives and become “two and one flesh” (Gen. 2:24). But how will it be THERE - will they meet, will they be together, as one whole?

– One whole – this does not mean that people will walk around with two heads in one body. It is clear that this is not what we are talking about. And the sacrament of marriage, like the sacrament of baptism, remains with us always.

I am confident that the sacrament of the Eucharist - the most important sacrament - will continue forever and ever in the Kingdom of Heaven as a communion with the one source of life for all of us, because the Lord promised to give us new “wine in the Kingdom of God” (Mark 14:25).

Also, those who have lived their lives on earth in an honest marriage will certainly preserve this marriage as crowns, as victory, as joy and unity in love. There is also another marriage - martyrdom. The martyrs are called “the brides of Christ.” For the Kingdom of Heaven, they enter into their heavenly marriage with Christ.

Marriage in the Old Testament understanding is, first of all, procreation, procreation; it is not understood in the sense that the Lord said in Paradise: “the two shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). Therefore, in the Old Testament both polygamy and levirate could exist in order to continue the human race at any cost. Such a marriage, of course, will not happen.

– If one of the spouses dies, the Church blesses the remaining spouse to marry a second time. How then to deal with unity in the Kingdom of Heaven?

– I don’t know and I can only guess. It is clear that in the Kingdom of Heaven no one will “divide” in our earthly understanding one husband or wife.

Marriage does not only exist as a separation of one couple from the rest of the world. The concept of “marriage” also implies a single human family. That love that connects and does not divide. Marriage is not like jealousy, possession, but as a gift of multiplication of love.

Therefore, I think that this problem in question will somehow be dealt with in the Kingdom of Heaven. After all, marriage in the Kingdom of Heaven presupposes, first of all, deep knowledge of each other, extreme openness about each other and an angelic way of existence as purity.

When a marriage was destroyed here on earth by people themselves, it’s one thing: what was destroyed cannot be restored. But if after an honest widowhood there is a continuation of an equally honest and pious family, then I do not think that this will interfere with the unity of love in the Kingdom of Heaven for all those who achieve it through a pious life in God.

Stages of Accepting Grief

To accept what happened, a person must go through several stages.

Shock

Most often, a person is shocked when his mother dies. This happens not only to children, whose parents are most often still young and die unexpectedly. Even adults, having learned about the sad event, are in a state of shock: most people do not think that their parents’ lives will one day end. Even if the mother has been suffering from an incurable disease for a long time and the approximate time of her death is indicated by doctors, people often hope that life will last a little longer.

A defensive reaction of the psyche is observed. Often, the children of a deceased woman cry, scream, and experience severe nervous excitement. It is also possible that inhibition reactions predominate: a person withdraws, becomes emotionally cold, may fall into a stupor, and think more slowly. This condition is necessary to alleviate pain.

Negation

Then the denial stage begins. A person refuses to perceive the reality of his mother’s death, because the consciousness does not want to put up with the thought of loss. Often a person left without a parent convinces himself that what is happening is just a bad dream. He may express his feelings and emotions in words or try to convince himself mentally. Sometimes the condition becomes so severe that others have doubts about the mental health of the person who has lost his mother.

Anger and resentment

Then comes anger, a feeling of resentment. If a woman was sick or was the victim of an accident, her son or daughter may blame the doctors who failed to cure the pathology as the culprits of the incident. Sometimes there is a desire to take revenge, to hurt these people. If the cause is old age, negative emotions may have no object. Questions about why this happened, why this happened, are not one-time questions: they can persist for a long period of time. Occasionally, children become angry with the deceased herself for her death.

Irritation may intensify if the loss is accompanied by financial difficulties: the need to pay debts and loans.

Such a reaction occurs because a person feels helpless: he cannot resist death or avoid it. Anger is a reaction to fear, the realization that every person will one day die.

Guilt

When the anger passes, a feeling of guilt arises. A person may consider himself guilty because he upset his mother in some way during his lifetime, committed some actions that she did not approve of, paid little attention, rarely came to visit or called, talked about love, or helped. People often claim that they would change a lot in their behavior if they had the opportunity to live part of their life when their mother was still alive again. Possible scenarios will be constantly repeated in the imagination, sometimes such thoughts become obsessive.

They stop looking for the culprit: now attention is directed to oneself, self-digging is characteristic. This is explained by the desire to control what is happening, an overestimation of the ability to influence surrounding events

Depression

The suffering becomes the most intense. Often the pain is not only emotional, but also physical, and somatic symptoms are added. A person may cry often, react painfully to any mention of loss, and often cannot control emotions. The option when feelings are lived in silence is considered more severe: often those around them do not even realize that their relative, friend or colleague is suffering. In the most severe cases, people lose the meaning of life and stop believing that anything good is still possible in their lives.

Acceptance and reorganization

A person is emotionally aware of the death of his mother. He understands that life goes on, makes plans for the future, begins to devote more time to communicating with friends, achieving work goals, and restores lost social contacts and his former way of life. Depression ends after the death of the mother, and is replaced by a less strong feeling - melancholy, sadness. What happened is not completely forgotten, but the trace left by the tragedy does not interfere with living on.

How long is too long?

I remember telling someone I was having a hard day about five weeks after my partner drowned. “Why, what happened?” - asked my interlocutor. “Well, Matt died,” I replied. "Oh yes! Does this still bother you?

Still worrying. Yes. In five days, five weeks, five years.

When I talk to someone who has experienced loss in the last two years, I always say, “This just happened. Just a minute ago. Of course, you’re still in pain.” I physically feel how my interlocutor feels better.

We are accustomed to the idea that any serious condition should last a maximum of two months. Exceeding this period is regarded as simulation. As if the loss of a loved one is just a temporary inconvenience, a minor nuisance, something you shouldn’t be upset about for a long time.