Meeting a boor or a rude person in everyday life has become the norm. Rudeness in response to boorish communication threatens an unpleasant altercation. You can remain silent, but it doesn’t always work out because of wounded pride and self-esteem. No matter how events develop, the mood is ruined for the rest of the day. Unfortunately, for a number of reasons, rudeness has become a chronic disease of society. Sometimes it seems that the disease cannot be cured.
How can you fight it and resist it with dignity without damaging your emotional state? What do psychologists advise about this? Is moral victory possible in a fight with a boor?
What it is
Conflict situations arise in the service sector, at work or in interpersonal relationships. What matters is how we react to a person in conflict and what the purpose of our response is. Conflict is a two-way problem or a verbal ping pong game.
The girl is rude
Conflict situations suggest different sources of their occurrence. A claim can come from a person who will then extinguish this conflict if it was objective with a non-objective reaction from the interlocutor. Or the offender will be able to end the conflict with a succinct phrase. The scenarios are varied. The main thing is to understand the essence of the bickering and its possible outcome.
Specifics of response
If a person is offended by the words of his interlocutor, then, as part of an instinctive reaction, he hits this ball and sometimes directs even biased conclusions and assessments towards him. In this way, he simply returns the pain that he felt at the time of the attacks or statements. Even if the latter were completely objective.
But this does not always happen. The course of a potential conflict situation may change depending on the awareness of at least one of the participants. When a person hears unpleasant words addressed to him (which are accompanied by actions that are incorrect in his opinion), he has a choice: to respond in kind, not to defend his position, or to stop the interlocutor without continuing the conflict.
The conflict is in full swing
Compared to the first option, the last two seem the most reasonable. But it is also not always appropriate to resolve the conflict with your consent. The outcome depends on the context of the problem and how a dissatisfied person presents it to you. That's why we learn to be rude beautifully. If one of the interlocutors understands that the second person is guilty for objective reasons (and not his subjective assessments), then leaving the situation unresolved is similar to giving him a free hand in the future. With you, and also with other people. This is most relevant for the personal and social spheres of life.
The most obvious and effective technique is often the golden rule: do not make excuses and do not continue the conflict.
Different behavioral tactics
What to do:
Attack tactics for a girl in conflict
- Make fun of your opponent.
- Tactic “attack with questions”: why did you come to such a conclusion, why do you decide that such a division of people is true, what category do you classify yourself in, etc.
- The technique of abstraction is the transfer of a personal insult to the category of some individuals in the general mass. Sample dialogue: - You're an idiot. - Yes, some people in this world are truly idiots.
- Consent and reductio ad absurdum. For example, when someone calls you a homeless person, you can answer: “Yes, I haven’t been included in the Forbes list yet.”
- Attentive listening, which is supported by an interested facial expression and encouraging phrases: “continue”, “Yes, very interesting”, etc.
- Reacting from the position of “I” (if you are on good terms with the person, but he blurted out something out of place). For example, if someone insults you about your clothing choices, don't respond in kind to the other person's style. Here it would be more appropriate to answer something like “I spent a long time choosing this thing. I like her. And your statements offend me.”
- Abrupt interruption of dialogue. The transition to personalities (especially in the social sphere) must be interrupted by a clear and conflict-free departure (from the topic and in terms of physical presence).
- Revealing to a person his true fears. The method is based on the fact that all aggressors project their fears onto other people at the moment of insulting them (paying less attention to other shortcomings).
- Appeal to feelings of guilt. You can tell a person that you treat him well and do not understand his attack.
Rudeness or criticism?
Quite often, rudeness can hide a completely fair remark. And you would probably have paid attention to it and listened to it if it had been expressed in a different form. For example, the upstairs neighbors are disturbed by the music that your son turned on at full volume. But not all people politely ask to turn down the volume; some start shouting from the threshold, cursing you, your son and his music.
Getting involved in a discussion in this case is simply harmful to your health. In situations where a remark is essentially true, but expressed in a completely boorish manner, the best thing is to end the conversation. “Yes, I understand you, now let’s turn it down!” - you say and slam the door in front of the brawler.
Why do this?
When we meet a conflict-minded person, we can always give him feedback, but with awareness of this situation. The degree of violence of language in this situation depends on the goal we are pursuing. Based on systems psychology, it is concluded that there is always a balance: give and take. If we receive negative energy, then we have a desire to return this pain. And given the conscious choice, we can return this pain in different ways.
Return aggression to the interlocutor
Unconsciously, a person may be guided by his own stereotypes, because of which he will launch a verbal attack, but the effectiveness of such behavior will not even be zero. Negative energy remains in our minds for a long time and multiplies even more. This happens when we share it with our surroundings. We don't let go of negativity from our lives.
You can also return your feelings to a person in a non-violent way. But if there is an understanding that he will adequately perceive it. Otherwise, you just need to clearly and succinctly put the person in his place. Sober him up. Compensation for the negative occurs here too by not hushing up problems and grievances, but the person shows his reluctance to develop the conflict. Such unemotional involvement will protect a person from unnecessary experience of an endless variety of conflicts. Such answers are usually not relevant for people dear to the heart, communication with whom will continue in the future.
Non-conflict reaction
A person can be returned to the zone of facts and evidence. Stop and try to start a constructive dialogue, asking what is wrong. Leading to a joint conclusion about whether his reaction is adequate and whether his assessment is objective. Does a person rely on real or imaginary facts? However, it is not always possible to do this if a person is directly and unswervingly determined to behave boorishly.
Alternative response to rudeness:
The girl tries to keep calm
- maintaining calm;
- trying to understand;
- demonstration of politeness;
- transition to constructiveness;
- trying on the image of a bore;
- ignoring.
The listed points are relevant for their application in the sphere of public life or at work with clients and colleagues. Well, with the most dear people it is important to say in response to a hysterical attack: “I love you.” Of course, there is no need to avoid the problem. You should understand the essence of a person's problems as much as possible if you are interested in continuing interpersonal communication.
Individual response phrases
Here are humiliating and threatening responses, as well as conventionally ironic ones.
Examples with different contexts:
The girl is rude beautifully
- in order to talk with you on the same level, I will have to sit down;
- mind like a shell / memory like a fish - three seconds;
- in order for you to convince me, you will finally have to say something smart;
- The only positive thing about you, apparently, is the “Rh factor”;
- your right to your own point of view should not trample on my right to protection from idiocy;
- It’s easier for you to silently pass for smart;
- I'm sorry for not living up to your personal stereotypes;
- your manner of communication brings back memories of the dashing nineties and tasteless crimson jackets;
- the further into the thicket, the angrier the woodpeckers;
- Look, God is not alien to the human, since He approaches the creation of individual personalities with such humor.
The main purpose of all such statements is to repel the attack while stopping further conflict. To do this, you need not to overdo it with aggression, which will become a catalyst for further proceedings. Rather, you need to ensure that the person understands the meaninglessness of the dialogue, as well as your disinterest in it. Or he was simply taken aback by your statements, realizing that he was wrong.
A few real life stories that anyone can relate to.
Story one
Everyone knows that doctors can be rude too. One young mother told it. Her child had a fever, and she called a doctor to the house. The pediatrician arrived, clearly unhappy that he had to go somewhere.
The woman from the doorway began talking rudely - “Well, how can I bring a chair here,” she said, and put her bag on it. When the hostess suggested that she put on shoe covers or slippers, they almost flew into her face. “I don’t have time to put this on,” said the pediatrician and walked towards the child straight in dirty shoes on the white carpet. Then she began to raise her voice at the child, demanding that he speak louder, because she could not hear anything. In the end, she generally scolded the family for calling her.
“We could have come ourselves, 37.5 is not 40 degrees! They pay me pennies, but I have to run around here to you, as if I have nothing else to do!” - said the pediatrician.
When the owner advised her to quit since she didn’t like her job so much, she called her hysterical and continued yelling in the same vein.
In general, mommy stopped reacting to her in any way and simply said:
“I hope that you are just trying to look worse than you really are. I will inform your management about your desire to change jobs.”
The doctor calmed down a little and, having said a cultural goodbye, left.
Story two
Her girlfriend, an aspiring entrepreneur, told her. For business matters, she needed to get to the tax office. In the morning she got up early, dropped off the children at kindergarten, school, and went to their destination. An hour passed, two, three, the girl obediently sat in line, and then a woman with her head held high, wearing a fur coat and stiletto heels, began to move quickly towards the office. Without asking anyone, she went into the office. There was already a visitor there at that time, but she was not kicked out. As a result, when the previous person left, specialists began to deal with the lady’s affairs.
Our heroine was very upset and annoyed. When the woman left the office, she said to her, “Why are you skipping the line?!” There are actually people sitting here, waiting.”
To which the young lady answers her: “If you like it, sit further!”
The girl acted smartly and made the lady laughable with one phrase:
“I would like to explain to you what’s what, but I’m afraid such a volume of information will not fit in your tiny brain.” The lady was dumbfounded and ran away even faster than she had come.
Story three
This story will be familiar to residents of big cities who constantly encounter rudeness on the roads.
Girls driving are no longer uncommon, and some drive just as well as men, but apparently the offender of Victoria, our heroine, thinks differently.
She's driving through yet another Moscow traffic jam, and a black SUV starts honking and flashing its headlights from behind. Vika understood what he wanted from her, but did not do it. He wanted to pass, but she didn’t let him, as a result he managed to change lanes into the next row, opened the window when he caught up with the girl, and shouted:
“Mare, you should sit at home, not drive.”
Vika did not show her upset, but calmly answered:
“Go to the zoo, with your face and brains you will fit in perfectly!” The man left, but clearly did not expect that the fragile girl would be able to object to him.
Story four
Many people have to deal with rudeness at work. Unfortunately, no one can scatter places now, so we need to learn to resist this. One woman told her instructive story.
She works in a small company with only 13 people in the office. One employee went on maternity leave, and another was hired. It was as if she immediately determined who she could take it out on, and the worst days came for Nastya. She attracted everyone, but her most of all. And no one dared to do anything to her.
At one point, she decided that she could no longer stand it and talked to her colleagues. Together they began to survive the lady from the team. Those who by nature could not be rude directly learned the “recipes for rudeness” existing on the Internet. Every day in the morning they started trolling her first, and as a result, the lady did not last even a week. Remember, such people are not used to being rude to others. Take advantage of this.
By the way, Nastya’s boss was also happy. When that lady wrote her resignation letter, he even threw a banquet for his subordinates.
Psychologist's opinion
The options for dealing with a verbal aggressor and a boor are different. If you understand some of the basics of physiognomy, then you can see that a person is always like this by nature. And at least not take what he said personally. Nevertheless, it is still necessary to put such an individual in his place. In this case, it is necessary to see in time the potential danger emanating from such a person. Will he be able to move from words to action? This is also evidenced by the specificity of speech with short aggressive phrases like orders, active gestures, similar in the specifics of movements to throwing objects.
In general, you should always defend your well-being even in dialogue with different people. Your safety, your point of view, your dignity. This is required not because of selfish manifestations of your character, but to create a comfortable living atmosphere. At the same time, the development of the conflict does not fit into the framework of the task.
10) Upgrade your authority
Rude behavior sometimes occurs because the person does not recognize your authority. If someone really thinks highly of you, chances are they won't be rude. For example, at work they usually talk arrogantly to those who have not proven themselves to be good specialists. Increase your authority. This doesn't mean you should do it solely to please the person. First of all, you need to do this for yourself. How to implement this?
- Be a valuable asset. Increase the value you offer. Achieve your best performance in such a way that you become an indispensable unit. Be consistent in your work. Contribute where you can. Keep finding ways to add value every time.
- Understand what is important to a person . Answer the following questions. What is important for a person? What does he value most? Focus on this. For example, if a person values efficiency, then by increasing your effectiveness you will be more valuable to him.
- Communicate with authoritative people . In an organization, interacting with people in higher positions helps increase leverage. If someone is making your life difficult where you work, it's good to have people who can help you as allies. Sometimes your importance and worth can be based on who you are friends with. It's like the saying: tell me who your friend is, and I'll tell you who you are.
What to do
An incorrect reaction when our breath stops (that is, we are taken aback or scared) or we also fall into an inadequate state. In this situation, we can state an absolute loss. Not in front of another person, but in front of yourself. This development of events will not be to our advantage. We will feel depressed, disappointed in ourselves, or aggressive in the future.
It is wrong to underestimate others. Perhaps this is a psychopathic person or simply a physically stronger person. You should think not only about a harsh response, but also about your own safety.
If conflict situations occur frequently (for example, work involves increased stress), then the rules of behavior must be determined initially. To do this, we learn to be rude beautifully. Or we just learn to react correctly instantly. At that moment when a person presses, one must imagine oneself in a cocoon. This does not mean that you need to physically distance yourself and just remain silent. This is a psychological cocoon that a boor cannot penetrate. You straighten your shoulders and calmly put him in his place.
↑ It's interesting to know
After the flood, Noah landed on dry land and started growing grapes. Having collected the harvest, he made wine, and after drinking, he became drunk and fell asleep naked. Son Ham entered the tent and saw his father in this form. Scoffing, he told his brothers Shem and Japheth. They went in to their father and, trying not to look at his nakedness, covered him with a blanket. Having sobered up and learned about Ham’s act, Noah placed a curse on him and sent him into slavery to his brothers. The son showed disrespect for his father as a person, violated psychological boundaries and humiliated him.
