Almost everyone can develop a relationship with a pleasant person when the conversation is enjoyable and the interlocutor is trusting and respectful. But if we deal with difficult people, everything falls apart in the blink of an eye, we lose our temper and can say a lot of unpleasant things in response. Often, the ability to communicate with such “difficult” people can become a responsibility for us. To quickly master this skill, you can enroll in our online program, Better Communication Techniques.
Who are difficult people?
Many of us have encountered difficult people. And, perhaps, for some we ourselves are difficult. When they talk about a difficult person, they mean that it is difficult to communicate with him for various reasons. It’s good if we have a choice and the opportunity to avoid communicating with a conflicting person. And if not? If this is a boss, an employee with whom we encounter every day at work, or a relative with whom we cannot leave?
The term “difficult people” was first used by the American psychologist R. Brans in his book “Dealing with Difficult People.” In it, he identified two groups of people, communication with whom easily develops into conflict and causes negative emotions. These are active and passive conflict people (conflicts).
He lists active conflictants as
- aggressive people. He divides them into three groups. These are the so-called “steam rollers” (these people are rude and unceremonious, acting brazenly and impudently - impudently), “snipers” (they weave intrigues, mock, ironize, say barbs) and “fuses” (they are not evil in themselves, but have an unstable psyche and have an explosive temperament);
- maximalists who, under any circumstances, try to insist on their own;
- know-it-alls, convinced of their superiority, who, like bulldozers, push and sweep away everything in their path; or inflated like bubbles, from the consciousness of their own importance;
- secretive people who for the time being keep all negative emotions to themselves, but at the most inopportune moment they unexpectedly splash them out in the most aggressive form.
Passive conflictants include :
- whiners who complain about fate and circumstances without trying to change them;
- pessimists who see bad signs in everything and infect others with their pessimism;
- people who are flexible at first glance, who cannot be counted on, because they easily agree with our opinion and promise their support, but at the decisive moment they do the opposite;
- silent people who cause bewilderment among others with their silence, while some decisions are expected from them;
- indecisive people who are confused when it comes to making a choice;
- pathological liars, for whom lying is the norm;
- false altruists are people who first help someone, do good, but then regret it and want to be compensated for their efforts in some way.
Typology of “difficult” people
Before we get into specific strategies, let's first look at the types of difficult people. There are quite a large number of them, but we will talk about the six most difficult, in our opinion, in communication.
Complainant
Everything in the lives of these people is always terrible. And even if things are going well, this is not a reason to be happy. In its extreme forms, the complainer becomes a whiner or a victim. Such a person wants others to listen to his complaints and agree with him. All this ultimately spoils the mood and sucks energy.
The key emotion (character trait) of the complainant: dissatisfaction.
Antagonist
He is aggressive, impudent and prone to entering into conflicts with or without reason. Some of the antagonists have particular feelings of hostility towards certain groups of people, exhibiting chauvinism or misogyny, for example. Sometimes it's a personal grudge.
However, in many cases, the antagonist is simply a boiling pot of anger and frustration - he will take out his anger on anyone who happens to be close to him. There may not be anything personal at all.
This person gets easily irritated and likes to blame or attack other people. If society strictly condemns his behavior, the antagonist acts on the sly using passive aggression, caustic jokes and sarcasm.
An antagonist may make you feel angry, insulted, or stressed.
Key emotions (character traits) of the antagonist: anger and antipathy.
Narcissus
The whole world revolves around him, and he wants everyone to know it. He enjoys talking about his travels, fun times, achievements and successes, and clothes. He feeds on other people's attention and admiration.
Talking to a narcissist can make you feel terrible or leave you with a false sense that your life is uninteresting.
Key emotion (character trait) of a narcissist: pride.
Eternal competitor
The opinion of such a person is the only correct one. He believes that he is better than you in everything: intellectually, financially and in many other ways.
This person hides their shortcomings, has difficulty apologizing or admitting mistakes, and wants to look (not be) better than others in everything.
What does he secretly want? Your recognition, admiration, and sometimes also submission.
He constantly judges and compares because otherwise he cannot understand whether he is truly happy. The number of likes means everything to him.
The key emotion (character trait) of an eternal competitor: arrogance.
Manipulator
He will do whatever it takes to achieve his goals, even if it means manipulating the emotions of those around him.
At the same time, the manipulator also has positive qualities: observation, charm, high emotional intelligence, communication skills. But the problem is that all this is used for not the best purposes.
In more severe cases, manipulators can be psychopaths and sociopaths.
The key emotion (character trait) of a manipulator: selfishness.
Drama Queen/King
The habit of such a person is to exaggerate the events of his life to cosmic proportions and exaggerated emotional reactions to trivial events. This may be accompanied by blaming others, hyperbolic speech, generalization, pessimism, paranoia and vindictive behavior.
The drama queen/king's mood is unstable and she/he expects you to pander to her/his wishes.
Such a person always wants attention and emotional support from the outside.
Key emotions (character traits) of the drama queen/king: great self-importance and panic.
Knowing what “difficult” people can be like, choosing the most effective method of communicating with them becomes much easier.
How to Deal with Difficult People
Difficult people have negative effects on us because their negative emotions are transferred to us. If contact with a difficult person cannot be avoided or we do not want to break off relations with him forever, we can try to neutralize him.
American psychologist D. Scott in his book “Methods of Conflict Resolution” suggests:
- determine what type “our” difficult person is;
- remain calm and neutral so as not to be influenced by the negative emotions emitted by him;
- Depending on the type of conflict person, choose a “key” for him.
Type: Chronically anxious
Many people are afraid of visiting the dentist and become anxious in the lead-up to the visit. But in a chronically anxious person, this motivational system is overactive. They constantly try to avoid many situations and are constantly worried about what will happen.
, and being around such a person is quite difficult.
How to cope?
The best thing to do is to show this person your empathy.
and don't try to downplay his concerns, even if it seems unreasonable to do so. For them, all their worries are real. Ask how you can help, and if you are asked to leave him alone, it is better to do so.
An anxious person seeks security. You shouldn’t change a person, but if you can reduce his worries, try to help
. In other words, if your friend starts to panic before flying on a plane, you can fill the waiting time with jokes and anecdotes.
How to Deal with Difficult People
Psychologists believe that before any communication, and especially with conflicting people, you need to tune yourself, like tuning a musical instrument.
Firstly, our body must take a stable position, and we ourselves must radiate self-confidence. Secondly, we must say what we strongly believe in and what is important to us. And thirdly, if we feel that they are trying to “unsettle” us and provoke us to emotions, we should focus our gaze on any point that will serve as a symbol of stability for us.
Setting ourselves up
Before starting a conversation with a difficult person, you should say to yourself (mentally or out loud): “I will do everything so that our communication does not end in a quarrel.”
We must not forget that truth is subjective, and everyone has their own
Therefore, our interlocutor is not obliged to think like us, agree with our opinion, believe us, love and understand us. In any conversation, it is important to reach consensus, and not insist on your own.
Respect
Any interlocutor, no matter how difficult he may be, must be respected. He, like us, has the right to make mistakes and be imperfect.
A conversation with a difficult person often moves from a discussion of events and facts into an argument with insults and a discussion of personal qualities
One of the interlocutors uses this technique of powerlessness as a final argument. It is important not to follow the lead of the “aggressor” and not to give in to emotions. At the first signs of irritation, you can remember some standard joke or switch to another topic.
Let's tune in to the same wavelength
For a dialogue with a difficult person to be effective, it is important to tune into the same wavelength with him and feel him. Mentally, you can turn to him with the words: “Your presence is important to me and your thoughts are interesting, despite the fact that I disagree with you.”
We cannot show weakness in front of an active conflicter; on the contrary, he must feel in us confidence, calm strength and readiness for a decisive rebuff.
The “aggressor” needs to be made clear that if he crosses the “red line”, he will face even more powerful aggression from us, which we are holding back for now.
At the same time, there is an opinion that “aggressor” people have sick pride, are quick-tempered, but quickly move away. Therefore, in order to avoid open conflict, you should not try to convince them, but give them the opportunity to “let off steam”, and then they will no longer have the strength to argue.
- for a know-it-all to demonstrate our even greater knowledge than him or irony.
- With a maximalist who always loves to be right, you need to be patient and self-possessed.
- A secretive person can be hinted that he has nothing to fear from us, since intrigue and manipulation are not our strong point.
- a silent person to talk by guessing a topic that will arouse his interest. It is likely that a person is silent due to low self-esteem, only because it seems to him that no one is interested in him.
- Complainers and pessimists are easily offended by irony. The main thing for them is to be listened to. Even better is to structure their problem and offer options for solving it. And the antidote to their negativity will be the optimism we radiate.
- Indecisive people need approval, and liars need exposure.
- overly flexible person who agrees with everything needs to be made clear that we need his opinion, not his agreement.
- A false altruist most likely understands the dishonesty of his internal “accounting”, so he should hint that his actions have nothing to do with selflessness.
- With a passive conflict person you need to be patient and flexible. It’s worth asking yourself: is this person like this with everyone or just with us? If only with us, then we ourselves gave him a reason to treat us this way. It’s not without reason that they say: we are treated the way we allow ourselves to be treated.
Don't argue or object
Objections are always met with hostility, even if they are fair and justified. It makes sense for a person who is open to discussion and is able to admit that he is wrong to object. If the interlocutor is hostile, divert the conversation from the direction of “who is right” to the direction of “what can be done”, offer accessible solutions to the problem that can be applied in life. Attacks and accusations will have to be ignored; discussing them would be a big mistake.
Never make excuses, it will do nothing, it will only prolong the conversation. Your goal is to quickly end the conflict, which means you need to achieve mutual understanding.
Know when it's time to end a conversation
The answer is simple: the moment a discussion stops being productive and becomes toxic. This is usually indicated by sensations in the body - breathing becomes more compressed, the voice breaks, the shoulders and neck tense, and headaches may appear.
Think in advance about how you will behave at this moment - calm yourself with deep breathing or urgently end the conversation? This will help you stop in time and not do anything stupid.
Resist the urge to engage in mutual accusations or attacks on each other. Learn to separate a person from her actions and, even more so, from her manner of conducting a discussion.
Put the conversation in perspective
Most of the time, we consider someone "difficult" simply because they want something different. In other words, we find it difficult to communicate when our goals and opinions on certain issues do not coincide. Perhaps in this case, for your interlocutor, you are also that “difficult” person.
Psychologists remind: behind every complaint there is a desire. Therefore, sometimes, in order to improve communication and avoid unnecessary grumbling of the interlocutor, it is useful to simply ask what the opponent wants. “When you're dealing with a difficult person, try to focus as much as possible on the person and let them know they are seen and heard,” adds Julie Fog. “It’s disarming, especially if the other person is upset.”
To make it easier to talk to a difficult person, try to focus on him and his reactions.
Don't make important decisions until the incident is over
If a conflict arises with a client or business partner, under no circumstances allow decisions to be made until it can be resolved. Take time, postpone key meetings, use self-regulation methods after communicating with a difficult person. Time dulls emotions and provides an opportunity to rehabilitate.
If it is impossible to stall for time, rely on an apology. Any person, even the most conflicted, can get into your position, because mistakes happen to him too. It is important that you do not try to make excuses, get away with it, or find others to blame, but openly and honestly admit the problem and offer something as compensation. Any trifle can be compensation; the gesture itself is important here: you missed something, you added something - now everything is fair.
In the case of the most stubborn opponents, you will have to not only apply generally accepted communication tactics, but also use your personal charm. However, in the end, if you really try, the deal is more likely to go through than get cancelled.
Communication is a process that we encounter every day that helps us not only survive but also lead a luxurious life. And the acting studio helps develop communication skills to ease the difficult career path to the top. Find out more about the courses
Find your approach
Armed with your intuition, decide how to confront this person. Julie Fog emphasizes the importance of treating others with respect. Try not to defend yourself against him and don't start yelling - these communication strategies are not effective. Also, you should not negotiate with difficult people in front of witnesses - this will cause unnecessary stress for both you and your interlocutor.
And one more piece of advice that coaches give. Make sure your behavior inspires confidence and self-respect. By apologizing and making excuses at every step, you make your interlocutor feel stronger and, as it were, “above” you in status.
Women are especially prone to this - many avoid conflicts and difficult conversations, because they are raised so as not to cause inconvenience to others with their behavior. Remember: just one awkward conversation can prevent hundreds of unpleasant situations in the future.
Form your own communication strategy based on these tips.
Decide when to stop fighting
Some problems cannot be completely solved. If an annoying coworker is harming not only your mood but also your work output, talking to him or her may not be enough. It might be worth getting the manual involved in this.
Does your mother-in-law give you a scandal over and over again? If an honest conversation about your relationship hasn't changed this, it may be worth loosening your grip and reducing the number of contacts.
It’s worth admitting: you won’t be able to find an approach to all difficult people, alas. But it's still worth a try.
Develop a "game plan"
Before you approach the person who annoys you, think about why you are going to do this. Do you just want to get rid of your frustration or are you hoping that the other person will actually change their behavior? “Defining intent can make the difference between whether communication is successful or not,” says Julie Fog.
The way you conduct a conversation also affects the course and outcome of the conversation. If, for example, you begin to raise your voice at the second response from your annoying boss, there is little chance that the conversation will be productive. Try to analyze how you usually behave when communicating with an unpleasant person - do you quickly start shouting, be sarcastic, ignore? The interlocutors easily read this and “,” notes psychologist Susan Fee.
To avoid such situations, try to speak calmly and keep your emotions under control. If this is difficult, think about the upcoming conversation and possible remarks from your opponent in advance. This “rehearsal” will make you feel more confident and calm.
