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Author di Reading time 13 min Views 7.6k. Published February 24, 2018
Why can some people easily make friends, while other people are very reserved and do not know how to do this? After all, we are all born with the same abilities: we do not know how to walk, talk, meet people, etc. As children, we fully express ourselves and have fun. Some people retain this inner drive from childhood, while others lose it under the influence of their environment. What to do about it? How to regain your former self-confidence and learn to communicate with people? We'll tell you in the article.
- Why do we sometimes have “nothing to say”
- Don't be afraid to take the conversation in your direction.
- Where can you find topics for an interesting conversation?
- How to make friends with strangers
- How to stop being afraid of public opinion
- Exercises to erase fear of public opinion
- Work on yourself
- Completion
Applying Economic Concepts to Conversation
Imagine that your conversation is a bank. If you have a lot of investments, then things are going well. If loans are more than investments, then something needs to be changed. Transferring this metaphor to communication, we get this.
Emotional Investment
- Agree with your interlocutor
- Correct body language
- Use the other person's name
- Tell jokes
- Encourage your interlocutor's ideas
- Listen attentively
- Ask for an opinion
Emotional loans
- Disagree with your interlocutor
- Incorrect body language
- Talk a lot about yourself
- Lie
- Flattery
- Vulgar and personal questions
Imagine that your conversation starts with zero balance and do everything to increase it!
Why do we sometimes have “nothing to say”
Sometimes the question arises: “How to start communicating with new people if I don’t know what to say to them after “Hello!”.” We've all encountered this problem. We want to make a positive impression on a person, but all words and thoughts seem to evaporate. Because of this, we experience discomfort and feel somehow “wrong.”
In fact, we always have something to say. It is fears that block your communication skills. Because of fear, we limit the topics we can talk about in order to:
- Don't seem stupid
- Don't insult your interlocutor
- Do not make a negative impression about yourself, etc.
As a result, it turns out that we either cannot say anything at all, or we say mediocre questions like “How are you?” or “How was your day?”, which don’t really mean anything. They are asked simply to fill the void.
But give up these inhibitions and allow the conversation to go in an unknown direction. Do you know what kind of conversation goes on a straight line? Boring. So just talk about everything that comes to mind. Ask questions and then it is important not to speak yourself, but much more important to be able to listen to your interlocutor. Remove all blocks! Even if you accidentally offend your interlocutor, there is always the opportunity to sincerely apologize.
Change the depth of the conversation
Do you know the proverb: small minds discuss people, medium minds discuss events, and great minds discuss ideas? Use it. Start small and make fun of someone, then get their opinion about an event, and then move on to ideas related to that event. Eg:
Introduction: Hello, how was your day?
Event: Are you planning something with Katya for Valentine's Day?
Idea: I saw an article online about how we have perverted Valentine's Day from its traditional meaning.
Why is it worth making acquaintances and communicating with people?
Do you think our environment greatly influences us? Remember how carefree we were as children and how easy it was to make acquaintances. But then they began to unconsciously learn from others and the media how to behave “correctly.” How much have we changed? 100%, with rare exceptions. Our environment has a huge influence on us. As one popular business consultant says:
“Show me the 5 people you spend the most time with and I'll tell you how rich you are”.
The same applies to health, relationships, level of education and other areas of life. Therefore, it is very important to know how to communicate with new people in order to make acquaintances with those who will be useful to you and will make your life better.
Of course, you can resist the influence of your environment. But still, the people with whom you spend your time influence and change us more strongly. And that is why you need to choose your environment yourself, and not leave everything to chance.
Change the topic of conversation correctly
This has happened to everyone: you are discussing something with someone you know, but then a third person bursts into your conversation and turns the whole conversation in their direction. It's terribly annoying. But only if you're doing it wrong. You must make an emotional investment at the end of your monologue. This will distract attention and you won't look like an idiot by changing the subject. Example:
Chris: My son is a very good football player.
Me: Cool! You once talked about where he trained. My son recently earned a black belt in Karate and is going to Korea on a student exchange program. After all, your son trained in Korea? Can you give me some advice?
The emotional investment in this exchange was a compliment to Chris and his son. I changed the topic of conversation to the one I needed, doing it correctly.
Use body language
Body language when conducting a conversation is a very important detail. It will help you communicate even with a stranger. The first thing to do is smile. People, just like you, like friendly, smiling personalities.
If you want to make acquaintances, smile a friendly, warm smile. A pleasant appearance will help you get acquainted.
When communicating, do not close yourself off, turn your whole body towards the interlocutor, you can even bend over slightly.
Look into his eyes with an interested look. Don’t look away, conduct the conversation as if you were communicating with a loved one.
Don’t tense up, imagine that you have known each other for a long time, so relax. What to ask? The question should be about the topic where you are now. If you are at an event, ask what will be discussed at the event or its purpose.
Be open and friendly. A positive person is a great value these days.
Give the right compliments
Compliments are a very powerful tool if used correctly. The correct way to use compliments is to make them about something the person is proud of. Eg:
- If the person is in good shape and it is obvious that he spends a lot of time in the gym, compliment him on his figure.
- If a person is successful in their career, compliment their creativity, business acumen, or intelligence.
Don't compliment people's qualities unless they have achieved it themselves. Don't tell a beautiful girl that she is beautiful. She already knows that.
Tell me something about yourself
What have you been up to in recent months? What new and interesting things did you learn? What goals do you want to achieve in the near future? Tell us about it.
This method is the opposite of method No. 1: you take the initiative yourself and tell some information about yourself that may be interesting.
It is better to use it if your counterpart is very shy and is unlikely to start a conversation first. Or if the person did not respond to your question or comment. Then you can start by talking about yourself first and thus showing sincerity. When a person sees your willingness to evaluate and discuss, they will be able to relax and open up in response.
How do you start a conversation with strangers?
How not to say too much: 10 techniques
The simple everyday way of exhaling and counting to 10 helps stop the initial desire, but in the future, what is unspoken can become a heavy burden and greatly spoil the cheerful mood. We counted to 10 and found 10 ways that will help you not just remain silent, but learn to be more restrained without harming yourself and others.
More on the topic: Learn to listen to your body: 9 useful techniques
Developing pragmatism
Throwing out aggression or, as they say, unleashing evil is certainly useful, otherwise we would not even feel the desire to react to what we don’t like. This is normal, because everyone is living people, but is this the benefit that we ultimately strive for? Hardly. In a moral fight, we injure both ourselves and those with whom we quarrel, and breaking is easier and faster than rebuilding. When the focus of attention is the main, and not the immediate benefit, it will not occur to you to blurt out something inappropriate. After all, politeness and tact are quickly restored when it suddenly becomes clear to us that a loved one may be disappointed, management may fine them, and friends may be deprived of communication and mutual assistance.
We postpone the conversation
This method is very similar to the previous one, but it must be postponed for a much longer period. Especially when the conversation is serious and the decision you need to make will affect the rest of your life. An offer of a new job, the need to take sides in a conflict, a serious conversation with your husband. Don’t give in to the first impulse and don’t rush to dot all the i’s. Let your head cool and weigh the pros and cons, and only then make and voice a decision.
“Undressing” the interlocutor
Mentally, we can give what we hear a completely different meaning – one that is less valuable to us. In this sense, “undress” means removing the shell of importance from the aggressor, taking him off the pedestal and “dressing” him more simply. This method works well when you are tempted to respond to your tyrant boss about his stupidity, but you know that this will cost you your job. Imagine how funny he will look on the beach in blue swimming trunks with his belly hanging out. Is it possible to take such a person seriously and argue with him? Let him shake the air alone, and you enjoy the play of your own imagination.
Let's breathe deeper
Take a few deep breaths when you realize that the other person has already brought you to the boiling point, and you are ready to snap. Breathe before you scold your child for having an untidy room or before you tell your friend some new gossip. Deep breathing calms and oxygenates the brain, changing the physical state of the body. And this will help you calm down a little and think about everything again.
Changing places with counterparts
This method will help in communicating with children when you just want to grab the prankster by the collar and give him a thrashing for his antics. Imagine that it was you, and not him, who just broke a flower pot and threw a stone at the neighbor’s window. Remember how your heart sank when parental anger was about to fall on your head. Perhaps, after a few minutes of reminiscing, you will want to find a different way of parenting than screaming and swearing.
We follow folk wisdom
“Bite your tongue”, “take some water in your mouth.” It is generally accepted that these expressions speak of silence in a figurative sense. Why not try to embody their direct meaning? Of course, it's a little strange to grab a glass of water every time. But you can quietly bite your own tongue. Our brain is designed in such a way that it instantly switches to physical pain, forgetting about all other irritants. Businessmen in negotiations sometimes use regular rubber bands. It is worn on the wrist and hidden under the cuffs. At moments when it is necessary to take a break and once again think about an important point, a person imperceptibly pulls on the elastic band, which digs unpleasantly into the skin. Thus, attention is switched to physical sensations and decisions are not made in a hurry.
Training endurance
Knowing that you have the sin of incontinence, work on eliminating it constantly. If someone stepped on your foot on the bus, scolded you in line, or was rude to you in the store, remain silent. Even if the temptation to put the insolent person in his place is too great, and a small outburst of aggression will not harm your reputation, under no circumstances give vent to your anger. By restraining yourself now, you will be able to restrain yourself when necessary. You will learn to control your emotions and your tongue so that it cannot spread into the enemy camp.
Talking to ourselves
In psychology, there is such a thing as affirmation - a phrase that contains a certain formula and helps to consolidate what is necessary in our subconscious. Remember how Irina Muravyova’s heroine repeated in front of the mirror about being the most charming and attractive? So this technique works for chatterboxes too. Choose your “mantra” and repeat it from time to time or at moments when you just want to express everything that has accumulated. For example, let it be: “I know how to stop in time, I can remain silent at the right moment” or “I can control my words.” Over time, this statement will work, and you will truly learn to control yourself.
Let's analyze it
As a rule, our behavior is quite predictable. We break down in very similar life situations. Analyze the unpleasant moments that you have already experienced and try to understand what exactly unbalances you. Perhaps this is the disdainful tone of your mother-in-law and everything that reminds you of it, or some kind of resentment that follows you from childhood. There must definitely be something common and similar in all cases. Well, when you already know the “enemy” by sight, dealing with him is much easier.
Using filters
Make it a habit to sift through everything you are about to say. Come up with at least three criteria that any message you send must meet. For example, words should not harm another person, secondly, you must be completely confident in their veracity and, thirdly, they are really necessary and will not turn out to be meaningless chatter. And only after the thought passes such a triple test, turn it into speech, otherwise it can be not only meaningless, but also harmful.
Leo Tolstoy said that “people learn how to speak, but the main science is how and when to remain silent.” And you need to start understanding this science as early as possible. No wonder Chinese wisdom says: “Don’t speak unless it changes the silence for the better.”
