Some women fall in love just because they can trust a man. In other words, they can open their soul to this person, let him into their personal space, and entrust him with their innermost thoughts and feelings. Very often, trust is compared to a glass vase: if it breaks, it can be glued back together, but it will never be the same. It’s the same with trust: once burned, a person can stop trusting others for the rest of his life. But without trust you cannot build strong and harmonious relationships. In this article we will talk about the psychology of trust and how to build a trusting relationship with your loved one.
Why are women afraid to trust?
Because they are waiting for the perfect prince, who will be a wonderful loving husband who will never leave or betray. Just how close is such a children's romantic fantasy to modern reality?
If a woman has already had a negative experience, when the prince turned out to be not a prince, did stupid things, did not understand the woman’s desires... How can she trust someone else, hanging old patterns on a new man?
Women do not trust because they are afraid to find themselves in the same unpleasant situation again, afraid to rely on a man completely, to give up control.
Reasons for mistrust
Cheating is a serious reason to leave a person, but you can forgive it. It is unknown under what circumstances this happened. Maybe it was a passing hobby, or the guy was drunk. There are women who forgive and continue to trust.
When a guy treats his partner badly, uses force, insults, doesn't respect opinions, drinks, leads an immoral life, what's the point of living with him? People rarely change. Don't be consoled by your hopes. This will lead to you hating yourself, your partner, and the whole world. It is better to prevent everything than to live with emotional trauma. Consult a good psychologist.
Another common situation is that a guy constantly lies, doesn’t say where he went, who he talked to, and doesn’t tell him any little thing. Should you leave such a person, or trust your life? The woman herself decides.
Before making a decision, remember:
- men are different;
- doubts may turn out to be unfounded;
- there is no guarantee that a new relationship will bring greater happiness. Perhaps you should learn to appreciate your soul mate.
How is a woman's mistrust expressed?
- In a banal phrase: “Men cannot be trusted”, “All men cheat” or “Men only need one thing”... Well, how can you achieve a woman’s favor after such attitudes, if initially a certain label was hung on a man?;
- in search of a trick. “Why did he give me flowers, does he want sex?”, “He’s being too kind today, what did he do?”;
- in checking your chosen one, monitoring every step, information about all calls and contacts from the phone book;
- in refusing to accept help. For example, controlling a man when he suddenly decided to cook dinner;
- in criticism, in the fact that a woman puts herself in a more “status” position.
How to build trusting relationships in a couple: useful tips
- Be honest. Don't be afraid to openly express your thoughts, feelings and emotions. Talk about fears, concerns, awkward moments, what you don't like in the relationship. If you are afraid to show your partner the worst side, then there is no trust between you. A truly loving person will accept you for who you are and appreciate your sincerity. You should not tell a man about physiological details (for example, about painful depilation) or overly intimate moments, because a woman should be a mystery.
- Be yourself. Do not “try on” in a relationship the image of a woman who you really are not. If you are a quiet and modest person in life, you should not force yourself and try to become the star of the party in order to impress a man. On the contrary, you should tell him that you feel awkward in a noisy company. If a man cares about you, he will take care of you and will not allow you to feel uncomfortable.
- Listen carefully to a man when he tells you something. Do not interrupt without listening, do not ask leading questions, do not change the topic if the conversation is not interesting to you. A man needs to know that you will listen to him; should feel that you care about his words. Having realized that you can be trusted, he will try to ensure that you can trust him fully.
- Don't be tactless when trying to get to know a person better. Respect your man's past, past relationships and life events, even if you feel negative about some aspects. You should not persistently ask inappropriate questions, for example, about the reason for his breakup with his previous girlfriend, if he himself does not want to talk about it. Over time, when your relationship becomes more trusting, he himself will tell you everything he sees fit. Do not criticize his behavior, do not let your reasoning be reduced to two extremes of good/bad.
- Comment on your behavior . In order to avoid getting into an awkward situation and gain the trust of your partner, you need to explain to him the details of certain events and the reason for your behavior. For example, he witnessed a situation where you were yelling at your mom on the phone. Explain to your partner why this happened so that he does not perceive you as a cruel and ill-mannered person. Another example: you are texting with your ex-boyfriend. Don’t wait for your partner to start asking questions; briefly tell yourself what was discussed. Thanks to your behavior, your partner will begin to behave in a similar way.
- Never sort things out in public . Protect your relationship from interference from third parties, even your closest friend. It is better to discuss all mutual claims face to face. Carefully keep your loved one's secrets and do not discuss intimate details of your relationship with strangers.
- Give compliments to your beloved man and praise him more often . But only if he deserves these words. If you don't like a man's actions, you should say so immediately. When criticizing a man, do not forget to praise him. It is very important that your partner understands: you are not unhappy with him, but with his behavior.
In a relationship, it is very important to trust your loved one. If your life motto sounds like the adage “Trust, but verify,” try to make sure your partner doesn’t know about it. There is nothing more unpleasant than finding out that your loved one doesn't trust you.
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How to trust?
Trusting means being vulnerable. This means that you can be hurt, hurt, offended. But without this, you will never be truly loved.
Is it possible to open up to a person who has protective armor on his heart? Is it easy to communicate with a woman who is always trying to control? Which does not take risks, is not too frank and close?
Psychologist Ekaterina Prishchepa states: “If you don’t trust, then you are constantly “on guard” and waiting for a catch. There are no universal lessons about trust. But statistics say that mistrust, jealousy and suspicion are the number one cause of divorce.”
Too many questions
Often, when meeting or on a first date, women literally bombard their companions with questions:
“What is more important to you - family life or career?”
“How reliable are you on a scale of one to one hundred?”
“How did your last relationship end?”
Agree, this model of conversation is more reminiscent of an interview rather than pleasant communication. By asking too many questions to a man you don’t know yet, you are literally pushing him to the exit.
Yes, most likely he will simply run away. After all, a million questions “on nerves” are one of the signs of distrust. With their help, you compare your companion with someone ex and mentally check the box: “it seems that this person will not hurt me”... But when building a new relationship, you should think not about possible disappointment, but about your future happiness.
Forgive yourself
Perhaps you are angry with yourself for not trusting. Or unhappy. Or offended. Forgive yourself. Give yourself time to think and understand what made you trust.
Yaroslav Samoilov, an expert in relationship psychology, says: “Most likely, you trusted the man because you wanted to be loved.”
And in a relationship, along with trust comes vulnerability. Accept it. If you were betrayed or deceived, this does not mean that you now need to put up protection and not let anyone in. This means that you meet different people in life.
"I'm not worthy..."
“I'm afraid to do (say) something wrong. I'm afraid to open up, to show him who I really am. He won’t accept me like this, he’ll leave, run away...”
Of course, no one excludes such a development of events. But, as they say, he who does not take risks does not drink champagne, and only those who do nothing make no mistakes. Yes, creating new harmonious relationships is not easy. But a quality relationship is a pleasant journey to the best version of yourself, the one for whom everything works out perfectly.
Perhaps your inner mistrust is based on childhood trauma or past failed relationships. Or maybe you don’t value yourself enough, believing that you are unworthy of happiness. Another facet of mistrust is excessive trust in the past: you once surrendered completely into the hands of a man who betrayed you, and now you are afraid to trust a new person.
Learn to build boundaries - you shouldn’t completely trust your new partner with your life, but you shouldn’t suspect him of “all mortal sins.” Trust in a relationship is built gradually, through tenderness and care on both sides. Over time, you will overcome your inner fears and be able to create harmonious relationships from scratch, without bringing into them the burden of past unsuccessful unions.
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You are not a victim
- only you can make yourself a victim;
- only you can make yourself happy;
- Only you can make yourself feel something, no one else.
If you say that a man has disappointed you, you are putting him above, giving him power over your emotional state. Forget all the phrases like: “I will never be happy,” “I can’t trust anymore,” “All men cheat.”
Only you are responsible for your condition. Both happy and unhappy.
Relationships without trust
Many relationships have failed precisely because of a lack of trust in the couple. Women feel that they are not loved, that they are being deceived, that they are hiding something and that they are not telling them anything. And then paranoid behavior begins. Girls get into phones, into mail, arrange checks, scandals, hysterics. All this leads to a breakdown in relationships.
If the mistrust is caused by real problems, answer yourself the question: “Why do I continue to live with him?” and try to solve this problem with a man. Unfortunately, millions of people live this way, out of habit, for the sake of their children, out of fear of being left alone, but the reasons for the mistrust are clear. But mistrust caused by unknown reasons deserves detailed consideration. Your loved one cares, looks after, nourishes the relationship morally and financially, but you don’t believe him and are looking for a catch everywhere. The main thing in such a situation is not to turn the relationship into a series of constant checks, otherwise you will provoke the man to do what you are afraid of.
Mistrust cannot just arise. Perhaps there was something in your life that influenced the way you treat men, and now you cannot trust them. But even if an unpleasant situation happened in the past, this does not mean that men are the same. Your loved one is not to blame for what once happened to you. After all, it is very difficult to live, constantly proving your love and feeling that you are not trusted. You don't know how strong he will be, but you probably don't want him to leave.
Cut off old connections
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If you are the same person who, having committed infidelity, betrayed the trust of your partner, you need to cut off all ties with the person with whom you cheated.
. This means that it is necessary to exclude all phone calls, all messages, all email correspondence, not to mention any personal visits.
Once you and your partner have decided to go through this situation together, there should be no “last or goodbye” meetings with the one with whom you cheated. No contact at all!
If you've decided to leave this stage of your life behind, then that's where it belongs. Your partner who is trying to forgive you deserves it.
Perhaps you had reasons for doing what you did. However, you now have even more reasons to restore your broken relationship.
. And if you try to do this by maintaining contact with “that person,” then you will not succeed.
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Even if you have business ties with such a person, cut them off too. Otherwise, your partner simply will not have enough internal strength to restore his trust.
to you. Few people are ready to accept the fact that their partner maintains at least some connection with the person who almost destroyed their life together.
Get serious about rebuilding your relationship.
How valuable was the relationship that ended in cheating to you? If the first passions
After you find out about the betrayal and have settled down, ask yourself the following three questions:
- Am I ready/willing to interact with her/him despite what happened?
- Do I still love her/him?
- Am I ready/willing to do whatever it takes to overcome this crisis in the relationship?
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These are complex questions that cannot be answered immediately, offhand. warm feelings and respect left in you
, which could become the basis for restoring relations. Ask yourself, for example, are you able to have fun together and share each other's company most of the time?
If you answered “yes” to all of the above questions, then, despite the long and difficult path left behind, it makes sense to make an effort to move forward together
. If you are willing to dedicate your lives to each other, if you are sincerely willing to work together to figure out the situation together, then the chances remain that will allow you to overcome these difficulties together.
If you accept this, then you need to move on. There should be no indecisiveness. Now you have a simple choice - all or nothing
. If you hesitate, then you are not ready to restore the relationship.
Do together what you both liked before cheating
After betrayal, even if you have declared your readiness to survive it together, it is quite easy to get bogged down in everyday trifles. It’s very difficult to immediately abstract
from what happened and move on with your life. However, answer the following question: what was your relationship based on before the betrayal?
Any relationship is initially characterized by pleasant moments that need to be returned to again. Have a confidential conversation with your partner. Remember the things you did together
, and which gave you a mutual feeling of happiness. Think about all the places you have visited before; remember where you felt comfortable and warm together.
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It's time to visit them again! It's time to make dates again in the same places, go to the same cinemas, visit the same entertainment venues, cafes and restaurants. Such behavior will psychologically return
you back to the good times. Take them as a basis. And then organize new pleasant moments.
Cheating always brings chaos into the life of a couple, tearing it apart, breaking it into multiple pieces. The sharp claws of betrayal leave deep wounds on the heart, which take a lot of time to heal. However, they can be cured.
Sometimes it is simply necessary to destroy something shaky in order to build something stronger in its original place. And sometimes, in order to move forward, it is useful to look far back.
Stop discussing what happened
Treason has taken place. Both partners decided to continue living together, strenuously fighting for lost trust, jointly building on the ruins of past relationships
new relationships. Relationships for the sake of a future life - happy, full of trust. In other words, you both decided to move forward together.
This means that once clarity has been established and the motive has been determined, it is necessary to stop discussing what happened. We need to stop discussing cheating
, return to it periodically in your conversations, adding salt to an unhealed wound.
There is no better analogy than this: imagine that you get seriously injured. You received stitches and a bandage. But you, instead of giving the wound time to heal
, periodically you tear off this same bandage in order to... look at your wound. This is reminiscent of the behavior of a masochist, isn't it?
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If you sincerely want to recreate a strong relationship with the same partner again, leave the past in the past. Live here and now. Learn from what happened, make the necessary conclusions and judgments
, and then move forward. Otherwise, the healing period may take much longer (if healing occurs at all).
Contact a family psychologist
Jacob Lund
A civil engineer has an excellent understanding of construction; surgeon - in how the human body functions; and the psychologist deals with the complexities of human relationships. And if this were not so, such a specialty simply would not exist
. Almost always, rebuilding trust and wanting to rebuild a relationship is a difficult choice that requires courage. Sometimes with a lot of courage.
And since you have taken this step, but are experiencing difficulties on your chosen path, then why not take another one - turn to a family psychologist? People who are professionals
in matters of relationships and psychology in general, they know what to pay attention to first of all in such cases.
You and your partner may be quite smart and experienced, but you don't have to know, for example, how to operate on appendicitis. And don’t be embarrassed by the fact that you don’t know how to proceed after cheating.
. Third-party help, if it comes from a real professional, cannot be overestimated in this situation.
LightFieldStudios/Getty Images
A psychologist for those who have decided to cope with betrayal, forgive it and rebuild a relationship with the same partner, this is akin to a pilot who will guide your ship through stormy waters, avoiding rocks and reefs
. This is exactly what is needed not only by the person who was cheated on, but also by the one who committed the betrayal.
Is it possible to regain trust after betrayal?
Burst/Pexels
Trust is a simple but very meaningful word. It is trust that is the basis of any relationship, since trust, this invisible substance
, like powerful cement holds together that without which normal relationships are impossible.
If there is trust in your relationship, then you will sleep peacefully at night, feeling peace and tranquility. And it is trust that makes every phone call, every text message from your partner so welcome and enjoyable.
. And only thanks to trust can any relationship be preserved even when the partners remain for a long period of time at an arc distance from each other.
Keep your promises
If you committed adultery and are given another chance, you have an incredible responsibility. It's clear that you should be completely transparent and not lie to your partner. But this is not enough.
Now you must also be careful about what you promise. And if they promised, then they must do everything to keep these promises.
Say only what you mean and don't give false hope. Your optionality for a long period of time
will be perceived as a lie. Even a small attempt to embellish something can cause a suspicious attitude towards you.
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Each of your misdeeds will respond with a new blow to the structure that we call restored relationships. And any of these blows could be the last, destructive
. Not only be honest with your partner, but show that you are consistent and dependable.
Set the record straight
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When betrayal occurs, this event is perceived as a disaster - nothing less. Emotions run high, a stream of mutual accusations begins, which develops into some kind of long-term military conflict
. However, nothing in this world happens for nothing. Everything needs a reason. And to clarify, we need to dig deeper.
Did something happen between both you and your partner that should have been addressed sooner, but was ignored?
Talk to your partner. Try to figure out what happened and why. You may be bursting with anger, no doubt, but if you really want reconciliation
, you MUST learn to listen to each other. The answers that are heard in such a dialogue often allow you to get to the bottom of that very first wormhole that appeared in your relationship long before the betrayal.
Cheating itself is just a symptom (and not the only one), but not the main problem.
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It is very important that both sides show a desire to start this dialogue - open, honest, although very painful. In other words, both sides
must be sincerely interested in:
- clarify what happened;
- be ready to re-concentrate the efforts that are necessary to rebuild the relationship again.
If this does not happen, then your relationship will surely die, agonizing in a flood of pain, regret and resentment.
