If you have already noticed that your child is reluctant to go to class, does not say anything about school life and classmates, and never turns to them for help, it is quite possible that he is lonely. Your child's class teacher will help confirm your concerns.
Having worked at schools for many years, I often come across the fact that even in large classes, some children remain lonely until graduation. Years later, they are reluctant to remember their school days.
What to do when the problem is already obvious? Run to school and deal with unfriendly classmates? Putting pressure on a child? Or maybe transfer him to another class or school? Let's look for a way out of this situation together.
Why is the child lonely?
First, you need to figure out why the child was included in the list of rejected people.
The most common causes of school loneliness are:
- self-doubt, shyness, isolation;
- unkempt or unusual appearance;
- aggressiveness or authoritarian style of behavior;
- different social status in comparison with other children (low-income and children from high-income families);
- lack of communication skills;
- dysfunctional family;
- feeling of superiority over other classmates.
The list can be continued with more specific cases, but the problem of rejection can be aggravated by the fact that the child himself and his parents blame everyone for what happened, but not themselves. But we, wise and loving parents, will not take such a simple path, but will try to help our child become popular in the class team.
What can't you do?
Psychology describes in detail advice on what not to do when trying to improve relationships with classmates:
- Be aggressive, avoid communicating with guys, answer them rudely, provoke aggression, immediately throw fists at classmates if you don’t like something.
- Strive to earn cheap prestige among peers, trying to bribe them in various ways, treating them with sweets, cajoling them with gifts or sponsoring them with money.
- Participate in gossip and all sorts of intrigues.
- Strive to bring every classmate into the rank of your best friends.
And always remember just one thing: if you find yourself in a situation of difficult relationships with classmates, then do not despair, arm yourself with patience and know that everything will pass and this stage will also end!
How to make friends
Rule 1: love yourself
For some reason, the Russian mentality does not accept the dissimilarity of people: we look with curiosity at disabled people, dark-skinned people, at people with some special appearance. But if adults, due to their upbringing and maturity, only show interest in such individuals, then children are sometimes cruel and aggressive towards “other” peers.
When your child suffers from his individuality, only self-confidence will help him. “Where can I get it if the baby has gotten it into his head that he is ugly, fat, etc.,” you ask. We will draw confidence from your love for your son (daughter). If from birth he feels universal family adoration, then it will never even occur to him to be ashamed of being tall or having protruding ears. The child will feel like who you see him. Well, if they start teasing in class, give him an example of celebrities who have turned their extraordinary appearance into an advantage.
Rule 2: if you want to have friends, be a friend yourself
According to the boomerang law, we treat people the way they treat us. Encourage your child to take the initiative in building friendships.
This is especially important when a student joins a new team. If you spend a month or two looking closely at your classmates and waiting for someone to become interested in you and love you as a friend, you can waste time and never get it.
It is better to act according to the following algorithm:
- We observe the team for a day or two and notice several interest groups in the class,
- we choose the group of guys with whom we would like to communicate further,
- in the selected group, we select someone who makes eye contact when speaking, often smiles and laughs, communicates not only with group members, but also with others,
- we turn to such a child with some request or proposal, share knowledge on common interests,
- Then we act according to circumstances, developing friendly relations with the chosen classmate and the others.
Particularly popular in classes are kind, sympathetic children who are ready to help. Encourage your child to offer support on occasion and not try to compete with others.
Rule 3: develop a friendly demeanor
Agree that smiling, friendly people do not remain lonely. Teach your child the correct friendly manner: straight posture, arms and legs not crossed, palms in sight, a smile on the face and a pleasant expression, looking into the eyes. This will be the first step towards communication.
Rule 4: develop conversation skills
It's good if your child is naturally sociable. And if not, don’t be upset: a shy person can be taught communication skills. To do this, play out different situations with your son (daughter) at home. Role-playing games “Away”, “At School”, “In Kindergarten” and others are perfect for the baby.
Your student should be able to start a conversation correctly, develop a topic for communication, express approval or denial, and ask questions. Talk with him on various topics, discuss a movie you watched, a fairy tale you read. Psychologists even advise recording such conversations on video, viewing them together with the child, analyzing them and changing roles in such a dialogue. The video recording allows the child to see from the outside his mistakes in constructing the conversation.
Rule 5: learn to manage your emotions
Children who cannot control their emotions are attacked by their peers. In other words, by teasing such children, the offenders seem to draw energy from them and enjoy their weakness.
In one of the classes, I often observed how boys teased one second-grader, Yura. In response, he screamed wildly, waved his arms and caught up with his classmates. When I asked why they offended Yura, the boys replied: “Well, why is he so hysterical?” That is, the reaction of the second grader simply amused the children.
What to do in such cases
People like Yura need to learn to take care of their energy field. Let me explain. Psychologists have long argued that each person has his own biofield. When we insult another person, our negative energy rushes into the other person’s biofield and makes an imaginary “hole” in it. The offended person sends his negative energy to you like a boomerang. It turns out that the biofields of both suffer: both the offender and the offended.
To avoid becoming a victim, it’s enough to say two words: “I’m like that myself!” Words act magically: the sent negative energy does not have time to destroy your biofield, but returns to its recipient in a mirror image. There are no hysterics, insults or fights. Teach this technique to your student - it’s been tested, it works!
Rule 6: develop leadership skills
Not everyone is born to be leaders; most people are followers and feel self-sufficient. However, a number of leadership skills will never go amiss in life.
The first skill is to be the first to put forward new ideas and ideas . Often shy children have even better ideas than the leaders recognized in the team, but they simply do not dare to express them. The task of parents is to allow the child to make his own choices and make some plans at home. This skill will allow you to assert yourself among your peers.
Teachers can also help children overcome indecisiveness by arranging special games: “Magic Chair”, “Compliments”, etc. These are game activities where children give each other affectionate names, say pleasant words, and emphasize their best qualities. Such games show shy children that they are treated well.
The second skill is the ability to say “no” . Some guys, trying to win the friendship of their classmates, yield to them in everything. This behavior can have very dangerous consequences. The method of playing real situations followed by video recording, described above, can teach you to resist other people’s pressure.
And finally, some simple tips. Promote your child’s communication with peers, invite them to visit, allow him to stay late at rehearsals, school sections, etc. Help your child find friends with similar interests at various clubs, development centers, etc. Be an example of a true friend yourself.
Psychology of the school community
School is a place that becomes a second home for everyone for a certain period of time.
And it is very good if initially the child finds himself in a healthy atmosphere of a friendly and cohesive class. But in most cases this is not the case, and many children find it difficult to build friendly relationships with their classmates. But they spend about 11 years of their lives side by side with these people. What and how to do to teach a child to be friends with classmates, so that peers from the same class understand and respect each other? Should adults intervene in children's conflicts? Do problems with attracting teachers need to be addressed? We talk about this popularly and impartially.
Make a good impression
How to please all the people you meet along the way? When we find ourselves in a new environment, we usually worry about how well we will be received. Your chances of this will be much greater if you position yourself as a natural, smiling, calm person. If you broadcast “I accept myself as/as I am,” then others will perceive you in the same way. When talking with new acquaintances, try not to complain about anything. Anyone who begins new social contacts with a stream of complaints, grievances, or any negativity is doomed to failure, and it will be difficult for him to establish closer relationships with others, much less win universal love.
Each of us wants everyone around us to love and understand us. At the same time, we ourselves sympathize and become attached only to some, but we simply treat the rest with respect.
According to the explanatory dictionary, respect is a respectful attitude towards a person, based on recognition of the merits, merits and personal qualities of a person. In theory, everyone has something for which they can be respected. But in the real world, not everyone succeeds in gaining respect. How to make everyone respect you?
You only need to start with yourself. If you don't respect yourself, why should others respect you? A person’s low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence are the most terrible enemies. Disrespect for oneself is expressed primarily in “licking up” to other people in order to prove to them one’s importance and independence. If you are insulted and you remain silent, you do not respect yourself.
Earn Respect
For some reason, many people believe that being a punching bag is the best way to please management. I hope you understand that this is not the case. This may work in some cases (if your boss had a difficult childhood), but the best way to earn the love of your boss is to earn real respect. This means working hard, avoiding office gossip and talking about nothing, and accepting adequate criticism. Being a nice person (the first point) is also correct, but these are two fundamentally different approaches. If you don't give offense and respect yourself, then your bosses will do the same.
Take care of your friends and acquaintances
Having a circle of good friends or at least a few close friends is real happiness. You can have a good time with them and count on them when life takes another sharp turn. You will never be alone. However, such relationships need to be protected if you want people to like you.
Protect time-tested friendships
Some friends are closer than family members. But in order for this to happen, they cannot be neglected. You need to be in constant contact with them: call them often, offer a meeting, take an interest in their life. There is no concept of “I don’t want it” in friendship, and if a loved one needs your help, do everything to provide it. Is your friend having a crisis in her love relationship? Despite the huge number of responsibilities, it is worth taking the time to listen to her. Is someone close to her sick? Stay with her, help her in solving small issues that she can’t get her hands on right now.
Keep your promises
This creates and strengthens trust. Focus on sincerity. For a relationship with another person to be deep and true, there should be no hypocrisy in it. When you see a friend doing something that you think is not good for her, you have the right and even the responsibility to say so. Of course, you cannot impose your opinion on her, because this is not your life. However, hiding behind a fake smile when everything is boiling inside you is the wrong way. In turn, you should also take into account the opinions of your friends: after all, these are people who wish you well. Therefore, it is worth at least considering their point of view.
Possible forms of behavior disorders in outcast children
Behavioral disorders (deviance) are very common among children who are subject to persecution and bullying.
Often outcasts at school are capable of the following deviations:
- Theft. A child may steal to buy something for himself and numb the pain. May steal to buy something for other children/adults and thereby earn their favor, friendship, love, recognition.
- Lie. An outcast child may begin to lie not only to his parents, but also to his peers. Inventing stories that don’t exist in order to increase your “points” in the eyes of others. As a rule, stories are chosen that are capable of causing envy: about rich relatives, boxing brothers, prestigious things in the family's possession (cars, clothes, jewelry). Fantasies can be the most incredible, and one day there is someone in the team who exposes the child to clean water, and those very “points” of the unpopular child fall even lower.
- Suicide attempts. Problems discovered in a child at the wrong time, the advanced nature of bullying, and the indifference of school staff can lead the child to thoughts of suicide. They do not always take on a real character, but the child’s dominant in the selection of information shifts. He begins to visit unnecessary sites, antisocial individuals become authorities, and strange friends appear.
- Robbery. An angry child who is being bullied in one group may try to indirectly get even with his offenders in another by acting as the instigator of bullying. The lack of control over such processes can force a child to cross the line of the law. This is especially true in adolescence, when the child is already responsible for offenses before the law, and sensitivity to the concepts of permitted and not permitted has not yet been formed. In outcast children it may remain unformed at all.
Be prepared to apologize for your mistakes
Everyone makes mistakes, and you are no exception. If this does happen, be prepared to apologize. .
"I was wrong. It's my fault. I'll fix it. I made a mistake". These are all examples of bad apologies.
In these cases, you make yourself the center. A much more correct option would be to shift the focus to the interlocutor, more precisely to the one who suffered because of your mistake. Ask yourself: “Who am I talking to and what does this person want to hear from me?” By answering it, you will understand how to structure your apology.
