Increased interest in a partner's past romantic and sexual life is called retrospective or retroactive jealousy. Often it does not have good reasons, but it poses a serious threat to relationships.
At first, you just feel uncomfortable thinking about your crush's ex-lovers. Then you begin to doubt the value of the current relationship, consider your partner immoral and groundlessly suspect him of cheating. Finally, jealousy takes over completely, forcing What Is Retroactive Jealousy / Ballard Psychiatry to check social networks and browser history, spy.
At this stage, flashbacks may occur about events that you have never witnessed. According to relationship counselor and sexologist Ammanda Major, Retroactive jealousy: Obsessed with my partner's past / BBC, this often leads to obsessive thoughts and an insatiable desire to find out what "really happened" between a partner and their previous lovers.
Amanda Major
relationship consultant and sexologist
This can end with the person tormenting both himself and his lover and turning the relationship into an abusive one.
How to understand that you are jealous of the past
Read the statements suggested by Overcoming retrospective jealousy / Psychology Today by psychology doctor and Yale University professor Robert Leahy:
- I often think that my current partner had a lover in the past.
- When I think about this, I feel anxious and worried.
- I'm wondering if my partner's past relationships were better than ours.
- I want to be the only person my partner has ever loved.
If you understand that some phrases can be applied to you, then you are jealous.
What questions torment jealous people?
The first step is to figure out why jealousy occurs and how to deal with it? As a rule, jealousy occurs in people who are not confident in their positions and recognize the superiority of others over themselves. They are constantly tormented by unpleasant questions:
- how important were the past relationships for the partner, are they more important than the current ones;
- which of us does he or she love more?
- won't this comparison be in my favor?
These questions indicate that at the moment the most important thing for us is to be the main character in your partner’s life, the most desirable, surpassing in the intensity of feelings all previous love stories. And when a partner does not let us feel this clearly, fears and uncertainty arise in the strength of the ties that bind you. If you are not confident in your irresistibility and importance in your partner’s life, jealousy of the past appears and becomes the cause of your discord.
Why are you thinking about this
The reasons may be different and depend on your character, the conditions of meeting your partner and external factors. But more often than not, according to The 4 main reasons why people suffer from retroactive jealousy / YouTube by Eve Thompson, a therapist specializing in retrospective jealousy, it comes down to this:
Are you afraid of being hurt?
Perhaps you had a difficult relationship with your parents, you experienced betrayal by a friend, or your previous partner was an abuser. One way or another, your body remembers this and tries to protect you from such a situation. The defense mechanism kicks in when you fall in love and begin to experience strong emotions. It is he who encourages you to sabotage relationships and avoid any potential danger.
Are you worried that you will be compared to your previous partner?
This reason is closely related to your inner beliefs, self-esteem, and attitude. If you feel insecure at the beginning of a relationship, it is likely that it will only get worse. Having learned that your significant other had other partners, you will subconsciously begin to look for flaws in yourself, worry that you will be compared with previous lovers, and decide in advance that you will be worse.
You think your partner's past is not good enough for you
In this case, you compare your partner with yourself. You feel like he's not good enough for you because he's done things in the past that are unacceptable to you. You focus on his past mistakes and devalue his achievements in the present.
You don't like that your partner has experience that you don't have
A busy past can be a serious cause for disagreement. It may seem to you that the person next to you had a brighter and more interesting life. Then you will want to quickly find a reason to break off the relationship in order to “catch up.”
You think you made the wrong choice
When you fall in love, you see everything in a rosy light and endow the person with super qualities. But then you get to know him better, and your ideas are shattered. Your partner turns out to be not ideal, but ordinary, and you don’t want to put up with it. Then you dive into the person’s past and begin to look for evidence there that he has always been selfish, unfaithful, evil, and you were simply mistaken about him.
Partner feeling insecure
Where does the feeling of self-doubt come from? Where all our fears and phobias come from is from childhood. It is very important to instill in a child from an early age a correct and adequate perception of the world, as well as an awareness of his place in it. By constantly repeating to a child that, due to his young age and dependent financial situation, he is not a full member of the family and is forced to accept the point of view of his parents, you develop in him a lack of self-confidence, belittle his importance in the family and society, and provide fertile ground for the development of doubts in your capabilities and talents.
Growing up and entering into love relationships, such children continue to remain nobody and interpret any comparisons not in their favor. Only psychologists can help change this attitude towards oneself, but changing the vector of one’s attitude towards a partner’s past is entirely within one’s capabilities. First of all, you need to decide whether you want to save your relationship. If so, how can you learn to trust your loved one and curb your unfounded claims about his past? The first thing you should understand is that the main reason for your jealousy lies not in your partner and not in his past affection, but in your lack of confidence in your abilities. You do not believe that you have become the one and only for your beloved person, who is not afraid of any competition from other contenders, be it former or future.
How to get rid of jealousy of the past
Retrospective jealousy can ruin not only your relationship with your partner, but also your emotional state in general. To prevent this from happening, try following these tips.
Acknowledge your feelings
First of all, you need to understand that your emotions are completely normal. They don't make you a bad person or crazy and, according to Getting past the past jealousy / Psychology Today psychologist Robert Leahy, are explained by a natural desire to be the only one. Understand your feelings, accept them, otherwise it will get worse.
Robert Leahy
Doctor of Psychology and Professor at Yale University
Feeling jealous is difficult. It makes you anxious, angry, sad and helpless, and it interferes with your relationships. So be compassionate with yourself.
Ask yourself what exactly worries you
Sometimes pinpointing exactly what triggers jealousy can help. Perhaps you are not interested in who your partner dated before, but what kind of person he was then. Or you want to find out what attracts him and what irritates him. Or you think you can predict the development of your relationship.
Look at the situation from the other side
Let's say you are afraid of losing your lover because he is wonderful. Think about what made him this way, and admit to yourself that past romantic relationships also contributed.
Any relationship makes us more experienced and allows us to develop. And perhaps, if they weren't there, your partner wouldn't have become the person you fell in love with.
Realize that the past is the past
Even if you know that your partner had a relationship before you (and even more than one), remind yourself that it ended. Perhaps people realized that they were no longer interested in each other, or they identified different goals in life. In any case, this is a past stage that has nothing to do with you.
Try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and remember that you also have your own history and people who were once dear to you, but then remained in the past. And this, as Overcoming retrospective jealousy / Psychology Today Robert Leahy says, is completely normal for the 21st century.
Robert Leahy
Imagine that at the age of 30 you meet a person your age who tells you: “No one before you seemed attractive to me or aroused passion in me. You are the first person I like to talk to." Will you believe it? I doubt.
To look more realistically at your significant other's previous relationships, Robert Leahy advises Overcoming retrospective jealousy / Psychology Today to periodically repeat the following phrases to yourself:
- I shouldn't be the only person my partner has ever desired.
- Just because my partner enjoyed sex with someone else doesn't mean he can go back to his ex-lover.
- My partner can enjoy intimacy with me even if he previously enjoyed sex with someone else.
- My partner's fond memories do not threaten our current relationship. All people mentally return to positive experiences, this is natural.
Remember that thoughts and feelings are not dangerous
Trying to control thoughts and feelings does no good and only shows the other person that you will never be happy with them. Realize that everyone can think and fantasize about whatever they want, and then you will live in the real world with real relationships.
Don't make your relationship a test
Try to control yourself: do not interrogate your partner, do not look for reasons to find fault and do not provoke him into quarrels.
If you know that certain topics or names are triggers for you, don't try to bring them up again in conversation and don't ask your partner to share details of his previous relationships.
Talk to your partner
If you speak out, it will be easier for you to accept your feelings and get rid of jealousy. And your partner may be able to calm you down.
Just be correct and respectful. When talking, try to use “I statements” and focus on your current emotions rather than on the past. For example, you could say, “Sometimes I worry that you will leave me because I believe you can date whoever you want,” or “I know that you and [name of ex-partner] were planning to get married. So even though I believe in your feelings for me, I sometimes worry that you will realize that you want to be with him/her.”
Learn to accept what you are told
You can share your feelings with your partner, calm down for a short time, but then begin to torment yourself with doubts again. This happens due to the fact that you do not fully trust either the feelings or the words of your significant other.
Try to calm down your anxiety, understand that you cannot double-check every word, and accept what your partner convinces you of.
Stop spying on your partner
If you check your loved one's phone every day, the most you will get is neurosis and a final break in the relationship. Nobody likes it when their personal boundaries are violated. Therefore, do not follow your partner when he goes somewhere, do not show up to work with him, and do not try to learn something from third parties.
Don't scour social media looking for photos of your exes and cute comments they once left for each other. Remember that sad faces and details of quarrels are not posted on the Internet. Therefore, several photographs from travel do not at all indicate that your significant other’s previous relationship was easier, freer, happier.
Focus your energy on developing relationships
Constantly thinking about the past or worrying that your partner might leave you takes up a lot of energy. So much so that she doesn’t have any time left to spend time together. And because of this, you move away from each other.
It is impossible to change the past or predict the future. Therefore, it is better to focus on the present and do everything possible to develop relationships.
Robert Leahy
Questioning and accusations will not strengthen the bond between you. So just love and appreciate each other. Plan how you will have fun, develop and communicate, rather than argue about something that is long over.
Remind yourself of your worth
According to family psychologist Emily Cook, Dealing with Jealousy About Your Partner's Past/Healthline, insecurity can fuel jealousy. The worse you feel about yourself, the more you focus on the appearance, character and behavior of your partner's ex.
In this case, it is important to understand that you were chosen for a reason. Most likely, you are an attractive and interesting person with your own views, hobbies and dreams, and there is something special about you. Remind yourself of your unique talents and qualities, devote time to a long-forgotten hobby, play a sport, or immerse yourself in a new project at work.
If you have difficulty identifying your positive qualities, move on to the next tip.
Talk to a specialist
Therapy helps you switch from your past partner to your internal dialogue and figure out what exactly caused your jealousy. It makes sense to seek professional help if:
- Obsessive jealous thoughts do not leave you.
- You think about your partner's past so much that it affects your daily life.
- You repeat certain actions to relieve stress. For example, wash your hands constantly.
If your partner doesn't mind, you can go to couples therapy and try to solve the problem together. This option may help if:
- You ask each other the same questions.
- You feel like you're talking about irrelevant things and getting no closer to solving the problem.
- Your partner's answers cause you even more stress.
The other side of such jealousy: what is the negative point for a woman?
Few people can withstand reproaches, suspicions, insults, especially if they are groundless. In situations, girls get lost: men don’t believe excuses; if they remain silent, they become more suspicious.
In most cases, scandals end with the jealous person:
- may not let you leave the house;
- pick up the phone;
- deprive the Internet;
- accompany you anywhere and everywhere;
- prohibit working, wearing makeup, wearing skirts, communicating with friends and relatives;
- threaten;
- let go of your hands.
The behavior causes fear, the woman becomes a victim of domestic violence . Psychologists do not advise to be patient; you need to quickly get away from the tyrant: being around a man is dangerous, especially with children.
A man who realized that baseless jealousy destroys a family
The "five no" rule
If you want to save yourself and your partner from jealousy of the past and learn how to learn to trust a person dear to you, you should apply the “five don’ts” rule, well known in relationship psychology:
- Do not dramatize the situation by raising your partner’s past love to a non-existent height - if your chosen one is with you today, then it does not have such a serious meaning.
- Do not demand that your partner forget the past - firstly, this cannot be done on command, and secondly, he may be painfully wounded by your dictatorial tendencies, which will lead to completely the opposite result.
- Don’t try to become like your husband’s ex-passion and copy her style of clothing and behavior - maybe all this did not suit him in his ex? Show your individuality and your personal qualities that are unique to you - this will attract more attention and interest to you.
- Never speak badly about your ex, because this is basic disrespect for the taste and choice of your partner; he may not like your impartial statement, and the relationship will crack. In addition, discussing a person in his absence has always been considered bad form and was perceived by others accordingly.
- Don’t dwell on past relationships - focus on the present, create a cozy home atmosphere for a man, where he is loved and expected, reassured, where affection and fresh delicious food, respect and understanding await him - and he would never exchange such a family for any feminine charms.
Examples from life
In order to provide ourselves with the right guidelines within which to show interest in our partner’s past, let’s consider some real-life examples:
- The wife is very actively interested in her husband’s past life, but this does not upset or irritate him, because her interest is dictated solely by the opportunity to better understand her husband, and not by competing with her former degree of importance for the man. According to the family psychotherapist, this will help her come closer to understanding her partner and appreciate his individual qualities.
- Sometimes this interest becomes too active and intrusive, especially in men who are not very confident in their masculinity. For example, an older husband is afraid of appearing to his younger partner as an untenable lover and thus tries to find out how things were with her previous partner. The psychotherapist believes that although there is jealousy of the past here, it is more constructive in nature, since it helps to gain an understanding of a woman’s sexual experience and her preferences in carnal love.
- If a wife, talking about her husband’s jealousy, mentions that they have been married for 20 years, but in her younger years she lived for several years away from her husband, working abroad under a contract, then his somewhat passive jealousy of the years that have passed without him even flatters the woman, not at all without humiliating her. The husband thus confirms her feminine attractiveness to other men, and this opinion of his extends to the present time.
These examples do not become a destructive force in relationships, but help spouses become closer and closer.
