Well, he doesn't love me!
“….Well, he doesn’t love you! – with these words, his new girlfriend slammed the door in my face. He would never say that himself. For several months this girl was listed as just a “friend with whom you can talk, discuss hockey, she was also into hockey.” And then one day I came to his house. She came without warning, because something was really aching in her heart. She called and rang the doorbell. The light is on, the car is parked near the entrance. So, home. Oh, the door doesn't open. And only after I text-bombed him, he replied that he was not alone. And, she opened. To say that he doesn’t love me..."
Realizing and believing that you are not loved and you are not needed is very difficult, sometimes impossible.
Your own psychic PROJECTION is triggered. Projection is a phenomenon in psychology when you assign to another person what you feel for him. If you love, then it seems to you that you should be loved in return.
And then all that remains is to face the facts. Because facts are an inexorable thing. We can fantasize about anything. But the facts will tell the whole truth.
Sometimes I love it, sometimes I get annoyed...
If you recognize yourself by reading this article, then first of all you need to understand the impact of internal defense on you and your relationships. It is useless to fight the destructive force, especially alone. Just see her. Try to get to know her better, understand her fears and main motives. Stop your destruction.
And in the future, as soon as you catch yourself starting to feel angry and irritated, remember the force that exists inside you and seeks to destroy your relationship. However, as you already understand, it acts solely in your interests, protecting you and your mental comfort.
Realizing that your thoughts about a man have nothing to do with him will help you avoid the destruction of ties. If your thoughts jump from one extreme to another, then you need to remember that it’s not about your partner. Opposites coexist in each of us. It all depends on what you want to see.
It SEEMS to me that he doesn’t love me - fact No. 1
If a girl says that “I’m not sure he loves me,” then most likely she does.
Why did I classify this as facts? Because we are creatures who read information not only in words.
According to psychological research, only 7% of information is transmitted in words. We receive the remaining 93% through non-verbal communication. These are facial expressions, gestures, various signs from a person, postures, energy.
Therefore, no matter what a man tells you, you perfectly read his real attitude towards you. Especially considering that many girls have an increased level of mental sensitivity and empathy (the ability to feel another).
In addition to the fact that we read a person’s feelings through non-verbal communication, there are also obvious signs by which you can definitely understand that a man does not love you. His behavior, his actions are also facts that, despite your desire for him to love you, speak for themselves.
And looking at these facts, one day you say, “I don’t believe he loves me.” What are these signs? —
Why you should forget your ex-boyfriend
But really, why is this even necessary when feelings still exist? In fact, protecting love for an object that does not need it can cause a lot of negative consequences:
- Decreased self-esteem.
Unrequited love always entails dissatisfaction with oneself. Especially if the man left without detailed explanations on his own, leaving you only to guess what was the real reason for the separation.
Suffering over an ex-boyfriend often turns into an abundance of hidden complexes and unclosed gestalts. They, in turn, become the root of more serious psychological problems.
- Increased pathological anxiety.
It manifests itself as sleep disturbances, loss of appetite, apathy and constant monitoring of the ex-man’s page on social networks. Of course, this cannot lead to anything good.
- The occurrence of depression and suicidal thoughts.
Constantly experiencing a negative moment and soul-searching cannot have a positive effect on the female psyche. Many girls face such a serious problem as the lack of desire to live further.
- Inability to start new relationships.
Until you banish the memories of your ex-boyfriend from your thoughts, you will not be able to improve your personal life. Potential boyfriends sense when a girl is not ready to let go of the past. And failures on the love front can again provoke the development of complexes.
- Deterioration of social skills.
When the same thoughts are constantly spinning in your head regarding an ex-boyfriend for whom you still have feelings, your relationships with those around you can seriously deteriorate. This will have a particularly negative impact on work. As a result, problems will grow like a snowball.
SIGNS that a man doesn’t love – Fact No. 2
1.He said he doesn't love me
A man might say this for two reasons.
First , he told the truth so that you would leave him behind and understand everything.
The second is that he manipulates you in this way, trying to break your will, bend you, subjugate you psychologically. That is, in the second case, in such a cruel way he tricks you into the behavior he needs.
Now, be careful. A loving man will never do either the first or the second. After all, “horseradish is not sweeter than radishes.” It makes no difference whether he told you that he doesn’t love you or whether he is harshly manipulating you. Because he doesn’t love – in both cases!
He LOVED HIS EX-EX and not me – Fact No. 3
While communicating with girls who met on a dating site and quickly entered into a relationship with an unfamiliar man, I noticed a recurring nuance.
After some time, it often turns out that the guy’s relationship just recently ended. And he still has feelings for his previous girlfriend. And I came to the site precisely in order to “heal the wound from parting.” At the same time, the new woman can be sure that the man is with her with all his heart.
But, no, he’s just licking his wounds, distracted, so to speak.
The situation is extremely unpleasant and is fraught with the possibility that if the ex suddenly decides to rehabilitate the relationship. Then he, without hesitation, leaves the new girl for the old one.
Ah, you have already fallen in love. We have already set up plans. And, in their thoughts, they created a family and had children with this man.
He returns to his ex, and you are left with a broken heart and bitter thoughts: “He never loved me. He loved his ex, not me." It’s true, he never loved you.
That is why I always urge women and girls - look at him for at least six months! Take your time to make plans and dream about your wedding! It is likely that the man’s head and heart are still with his ex. Therefore, you can meet, communicate, and slowly find out from him what’s on his mind.
Take your time with plans and conclusions
Our wonderful psychologist M. Litvak has the concept of “production stage of relationships.” According to this concept, the strongest relationships are possible when you have gone through the production stage together.
In other words, we worked together and studied together. It is in this case that you observe a person for a long time, what kind of character he has. Was he in a relationship? And, if so, what happened to his relationship with his ex?
In modern conditions, when the vast majority of people meet not necessarily through the production stage, but through dating sites, it is very important NOT TO HURRY TO CONCLUSIONS! So that there would be no bitter disappointments later “He just didn’t love me. He loves someone else, not me.”
If he never loved you and still loves someone else, and not you, we can only accept this reality and experience it as a loss.
Yes, it's a loss. This is the destruction of illusion, and it hurts. But the faster you realize the truth for yourself - that he loves his ex, and not you, the faster your healing will occur.
Why? Because while we are in illusion and hope, we remain the head in these relationships. Even if you physically left them.
But, as soon as we have accepted the bitter, painful truth for ourselves, from that moment we are able to psychologically get out of these relationships that we don’t need. And we can let the person go. We can forget this man forever.
Not an easy relationship
“I can’t understand my attitude towards a man. I either love him or get annoyed with him... My feelings and attitude towards him change to the opposite all the time. I admire him, his masculine qualities, I feel like a real woman next to him, I feel very comfortable and good around him. The soul feels cozy and warm from tender experiences. Then, when one or two days pass and not a trace remains of these pleasant sensations, I begin to see the imperfection of my partner, I notice the complete absence of masculine qualities in him. His weaknesses seem to overwhelm him. And my feelings disappear, irritation, hostility, and reluctance to see him and be with him appear. Thoughts arise about the temporary nature of our relationship and the complete conviction that this man is not for me. At such moments, your soul becomes somehow disgusting, sad and lonely. The sunny weather gives way to dank, rainy and nasty weather...”
WHY doesn't he love me?
“Oh, the cry of women of all times: My dear, what have I done to you?” M. Tsvetaeva
Now there will be no test or fortune telling, but a professional psychological answer. Which is dictated by life and my consulting experience.
Nothing, girls. You didn't do anything to him . They don’t like you at all because you:
- Not thin enough/not fat enough
- Not pretty/too pretty
- Too emotional/too unemotional
- Very fast/slow
- Too stupid/smart (scientist)
- Extremely cheerful, energetic/easygoing homebody
- Too sociable/not sociable enough
- And so on, the list goes on.
- But the main idea, I think, is clear.
“I feel bad, he doesn’t love me, there’s something wrong with me...” I remember there was a program on TV a long time ago. It was called Love at first sight. Three guys and three girls, who had not known each other before, each spoke about themselves in turn. Then they retired to a room and there they “voted” for the one they liked. Then, the results were announced.
And, if a guy and a girl mutually chose each other, everyone was happy, since they got a couple. But sometimes a pair was not formed. Because the one who liked one chose the other. And so, everyone chose at random, and there was no match. This is about the fact that “We choose, we are chosen, how often this does not coincide.”
Thus, the answer “why they don’t like us” lies NOT WITH US. And, it is not in your competence. Just as we cannot force someone to love us.
Why? Because a person’s choice is influenced by thousands of factors. All these factors are the result of his many years of life experience and the totality of his unconscious beliefs.
Reasons for the disappearance of feelings
Love subsided, addiction to the partner began, and a routine, gray life began. A man has no reason to please a girl with surprises, since he has already won her. The girl during this period has a lack of attention. But she doesn't have time to worry about it. She already has a lot of worries around the house, which is why the man does not receive the attention he would like.
Due to addiction and living together, spouses become uninterested in each other. Communication is becoming less and less. The relationship goes through a harsh cooling period, the spouses move away from each other.
One can, of course, assume that a man has problems that he does not want to drag his beloved girl into. And the woman, without realizing it, feels indifference on the part of her husband.
Important! The main reason for the gap between husband and wife is the lack of dialogue and reluctance to resolve differences that have arisen.
If you think that you are losing interest in your partner, the feelings have passed, do not expect it to go away on its own. It is unlikely that this will happen. If you continue to act this way, you will most likely create a conflict situation. It is better to prevent such situations at the moment the problem arises.
“WHAT TO DO if he doesn’t love me” is a more important question
“No need, I love him.” What to do?
The most correct thing to do is to quit - knocking on a door that is closed to you.
For what? Waste your time, strength, youth and energy on someone who doesn’t need you. Go where you are loved. There are always people who like us and who are happy to communicate with us. They love us.
Women often tell me, “Yes, there is a fan. But, ugh, I don’t like him.” But this scoundrel who doesn’t need it - I love him.
This is the situation we always observe in the case of a destructive attachment scenario.
This attachment scenario is formed in childhood with close people - mom, dad, siblings (siblings are siblings).
For a variety of reasons, it is written in your (unconscious!) script: you need to love someone who doesn’t love you (or loves you poorly). That is, in childhood, for you, love was glued to suffering.
It could be anything: traumatic situations of rejection, abandonment, rejection, trauma of invisibility, toxicity in family relationships, mental (or physical) abuse, and so on.
But, whatever it is, the result is this: A loved one is the one who hurts me.
If this program is written in your unconscious, then it is in this case that those who love - “ugh”. Oh, give me this “I feel bad, he doesn’t love me - I’ll take it.” Exactly what is needed".
If there are children
