Possessiveness in relationships: causes and consequences

1. What is possessiveness?
2. Reasons for appearance
3. In what forms does possessiveness manifest itself?
4. Consequences
5. How to get rid of possessiveness
6. How is possessiveness different from jealousy?
7. Test “Are you the owner?”
8. Expert opinion
9. Conclusion

Each of you has probably encountered a feeling of possessiveness: either on your part or in relation to yourself. In both cases, this leads to the destruction of healthy and peaceful relationships. Let's look at why it leads to destruction and how you can get rid of it.

What is possessiveness?

A sense of possessiveness is a state in which a person wants to control the life of someone he values ​​from all sides. Most often this occurs between romantic partners, but it is also possible between friends. The owner tries to control the entire life of his partner, to be with him all the time, to receive all the attention and care. At first glance, it seems that this is a common manifestation of the fear of losing a loved one. In reality, this is a manifestation of selfishness and self-doubt.

Trying to control your partner’s desires and thoughts means destroying all the good things that connected you. Everyone has their own point of view, which may not coincide with the opinions of others. No one can be anyone's property. A person has his own personal boundaries and protects them.

Investments in life

Most people face the question of who is the owner in a relationship. In such a situation, you need to understand what you really love and what you would like to do. As soon as you start devoting maximum time to what you love, all unnecessary thoughts will fade into the background.

It is very important to understand that two loving people are not one, as is commonly believed. You can be completely different people in temperament, behavior and hobbies. Respect each other's interests.

Reasons for appearance

The basis for this feeling in both women and men is the anxiety of rejection. They are afraid of being rejected, afraid of loss and loneliness. It is important to understand that accomplished individuals do not tell others what to do. Another person cannot be controlled; he controls his own life. The feeling of possessiveness does not arise out of nowhere; it is always a consequence of something: childhood traumas and insults, the influence of an equally toxic partner.

Possessiveness in women

Through constant control, women try to keep their partner for fear of loneliness.

There are other possible reasons:

1. Lack of self-confidence. Constant calls and checking SMS, control over the circle of friends and a daily desire to be close speaks of the girl’s insecurity. The thought of her man having a good time without her, for example, in a cafe with old friends, causes panic. This problem may come from childhood: parents paid little attention, did not praise for achievements and behaved indifferently. The reason for self-doubt arises from a failed friendship or in a previous relationship the partner constantly reproached or insulted.
2. Fear of loss. The fear of losing a loved one or partner can arise due to inattention and indifference towards the girl. If you do not discuss this problem, fear will gradually develop into mistrust.
3. Lack of love. Oddly enough, even small manifestations of affection and love can save a relationship. When a man himself does not show attention, care and affection, a woman will try to attract attention to herself by all means (from constant reminders of herself with calls to hysterics of jealousy). As a result, a calm, loving woman turns into a fierce possessive woman.

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4. Distrust of the male sex. Most likely, you have heard the phrase “All men cheat” at least once in your life. Girls hear this phrase from their mothers as children. Because of this, from an early age they form the belief that if a man is not controlled, he will constantly cheat. This belief is wrong.
5. Boredom. When a woman fails to realize her potential: she doesn’t like her job, no other occupation is suitable, she tries to find solace in her partner. Since she has nothing to do, it means she can prove herself in a relationship, show her character. This is where the constant calls, questions and jealousy begin.

Possessiveness in men

In men, a sense of possessiveness arises from the desire to constantly control everything, to be “in charge” in the relationship and to assert themselves at the expense of their partner. The basis of this feeling in men is the fear of appearing weaker than a woman and receiving a blow to pride and self-esteem.

The reasons may be:

1. The superiority of the partner. If a partner has achieved greater success in life: good career growth, she is self-confident, engaged in self-development, etc., a man who does not have such qualities is lost against her background. Begins to unconsciously envy. Due to lack of self-confidence, he is afraid of losing her, cannot recognize her superiority over himself and begins to control him from all sides.
2. Authoritarian parents . Suppressing the will of a child in childhood, as a result, is poorly translated into adulthood. A man knows only this model of behavior: prohibitions, control, violation of personal boundaries and personal space.
3. Cold relationship with mother. As a child, the mother humiliated, did not pay attention, and insulted, the man develops a resentment towards all women, which he will broadcast in relationships in the form of possessiveness.
4. Education according to the “Idol of the family” type. Parents did not teach the child to respect other people's boundaries, and that not everything in the world happens according to his wishes.

His arguments

• Where are you?!
• Is this friend of yours (mom, visit to the hairdresser, new dress in your favorite boutique, etc.) more important to you than me?
• Why without me?
• And I'm bored without you...
• I’ll just accompany you (meet you, sit next to you, wait, call you every 15 minutes...
  ).
• I'm the head of the family, right? Well, why don't you listen to me?
• You are like a little girl - you always have incomprehensible whims...
• Why did you get married - hang out in cafes with your girlfriends?!
• Either me or them!

Consequences

Possessiveness is reflected in scenes of jealousy, constant quarrels and prohibitions. Both partners suffer, one from constant fear of rejection and jealousy, the other from control. Sometimes jealousy takes severe forms: the owner accuses the partner of cheating, forces him to admit it, intimidates and insults him, and can lock him up at home and take away his phone.

Another option is also possible: the owner himself chooses with whom the partner communicates, forms his social circle, and on certain days allows him to go spend time with friends. He controls all areas of life.

All options lead to the fact that the owner lives in constant tension and fear, and the victim lives as if in a cage. There is no opportunity to develop as a person, to form a social circle, there is no strength to climb the career ladder. The owner wants the partner to live in his world, and with every attempt to resist this, he manipulates, insults and is offended.

Realize your worth

We figured out who the owner is in a relationship. As mentioned earlier, very often their partners are controlled by chosen ones who are insecure. This is a serious problem that needs to be addressed. Try to understand your value, regardless of the attitude of people around you. Remember that you are a strong person, capable of building a better life for yourself. If your negative assumptions and guesses about your partner come true, then life does not end there. You have the power to make the world around you brighter and more colorful! Therefore, you should not waste precious time on total control over the life of another person, even if you love him madly.

Of course, to some extent we are all owners in relationships. But it is important to remember that a healthy relationship is only possible if both partners understand the degree of freedom that they need. When this understanding is absent, then one will try to “pull the leash towards himself,” and the second will inevitably begin to “suffocate” from this pressure.

How to get rid of possessiveness

It will not be easy for the owner to get rid of attitudes that have already become firmly entrenched in his subconscious. But if he wants, when he sees how his loved one is suffering, for his sake he will try to get rid of them.

Try to calmly look at the situation from a different angle.

Think about the questions:

1. Do you really want this person next to you?
2. Do you value it?
3. Do you see you two together in the future?

If you give positive answers to these questions, work on yourself, you can contact a psychologist, this will be even more effective.

1. Learn to trust your loved ones . Stop interrogating about every step and “keep your finger on the pulse.” Show your sincere love, care and respect.
2. Talk to your partner about your relationship . Express everything in calm tones: what worries you, why you do this and what you are afraid of.
3. Take care of yourself: your appearance (make an appointment with a hairdresser or makeup artist), go for a massage to relax.
4. Develop yourself: sign up for courses that interest you, read books;
5. Sport. Improving your figure will give you a reason to be proud of yourself.

Why is this happening?

Being possessive in a relationship is not a rare occurrence. However, problems of this kind do not arise in all couples, because there are relationships where partners do not pursue each other and have personal boundaries.

The reasons for the development of possessive manifestations are:

How is possessiveness different from jealousy?

Many people believe that feelings of possessiveness and feelings of jealousy are one and the same. It’s true, in a sense, they characterize the same human behavior, but these concepts still need to be distinguished, because each has its own characteristics.

The feeling of possessiveness characterizes behavior in which the owner does not understand that a person cannot be owned, as if he were a thing. Does not understand what personal boundaries are and constantly violates them in relation to his partner. This is a manifestation of egocentrism; one person wants to completely own the attention of another.

A jealous girl can respect her partner's personal boundaries; she will understand that she cannot constantly control him. But at the same time, she will constantly be nervous when other girls approach her man. Most likely, if he also shows signs of attention in their direction, he will cause scandals. Jealousy implies fear and resentment that is caused by a real or perceived lack of attention.

Signs of a man who is an owner

Most often, young people of this type tend to regularly call their chosen one. A possessive guy in a relationship may demonstrate to his beloved the need to communicate with her every hour. During the conversation, he is interested in her location and plans for the near future or day.

People of this type tend to often focus on little things. Of course, male care is pleasant for absolutely every girl, but only when it manifests itself within reason. It’s unlikely that anyone would like to report their movements and actions every hour.

Owners often play the role of a “spy”. They tend to monitor and check to make sure the words of their chosen one are true. Moreover, they are not averse to finding out as much information as possible about their beloved’s past life.

Fear of uncertainty

Since such a woman is insecure, she is insecure about her appearance and need for other people. And if previous men brought bad experiences, then this sense of self is consolidated and becomes permanent.

Fear of the uncertainty of the future and hostility of the environment gives rise to the need for control

. Imagine that you are on the battlefield. Agree that you will simply be forced to look with all your eyes, check every minute what is happening around you, what your allies and enemies are doing, what they are saying on the radio and in every possible way try to minimize any emerging threat to you.

Hence, all the habits of the owner, which are not necessary, but can manifest themselves in the process of a relationship:

• checking phone, mail, pockets
• calls with questions “where are you”, “what are you doing”, “why is it taking so long
• Zealous surveillance of every step and glance of a loved one
• resentment if a beloved man wants to spend not with his woman, but with friends
• constant attempts to find out what he thinks and feels, a manic need to get into a person’s head and soul

Right to control a person

The owner in a relationship, feeling her attachment to her partner, often longs to completely and completely possess her partner and control his life. This may lead to misunderstandings between them.

Women, unlike men, are less likely to try to resolve issues by force, but can also behave inappropriately:

• throw tantrums;
• threaten to kill oneself;
• hide keys, personal belongings, money so that the partner does not go anywhere.

This kind of manipulation can be repeated from time to time and each time further alienate the partners from each other. However, it should be understood that no relationship gives one person the right to completely control another. The desire to literally insert yourself into your partner’s thoughts and make decisions for him indicates the doom of such a relationship.

Most often, women's attempts to control a man end in failure and complete disappointment in the relationship. This strategy is doomed to failure in advance and not a single mature person, regardless of gender, will allow his partner to treat himself like a small child.

A story from my practice

The man was pathologically jealous of the woman, forbade her to leave the house without calling him, wiretapped her phone numerous times, filtered all contacts, told her what to do, etc. Until some time, this suited her; it seemed like a fun game (from her cruel parents, the girl moved in with this man in her youth). However, the girl grew, developed, and one day realized that she wanted more freedom, that she felt unfulfilled.

The chosen one was jealous of all her acquaintances and even of her hobbies and studies. He clearly did not want his “pet,” whom he had once taken into good hands, to become a person. However, neither he nor she wanted to break off the relationship. So they came to the conclusion that they needed to work on themselves.

During the work, it became obvious that the young man’s behavior was rooted in childhood. He constantly lacked the attention and affection of his parents, he was often criticized and compared. He was especially jealous of his older brother. This is how his desire to completely possess someone’s love, attention and affection was formed. That is, the problem is not in the relationship with this girl, but in the relationship with the parents, you need to break the dependence with them.

We used individual psychotherapy sessions and conducted joint exercises. Attention was focused on working through childhood trauma and returning the man to himself: revealing his potential, looking for his abilities, interests and hobbies. The relationship with the girl improved on its own.

Where is the love?

This is why the opinion is so popular that next to possessive feelings there is no place for love. Although, my personal observations of different couples and families confirm the fact that feelings of love and possessiveness can be joint emotional lines

.

How harmful their interweaving will be depends on the individual characteristics of the partners, as well as the degree to which their destructive tendencies manifest themselves. Mild jealousy

can add spice to an established relationship and add variety. In fact, only a few can boast of healthy relationships; we are all, to some extent, owners.

What are the reasons for a man's possessive attitude towards a woman?

There are often families in which the man believes that if he is the breadwinner, everything belongs to him. Including a female spouse. Although everyone has a sense of ownership, guys experience it more acutely. A man who is the owner in a relationship does not want to share his chosen one with anyone else. Some people find it annoying, while others, on the contrary, like it.

The natural dominance of a man, which at times goes to the extreme, has a significant influence. A companion, even an owner, must respect the lady’s feelings, appreciate her qualities and not hinder her growth. The main sign of the behavior of a male owner towards a woman is imposition and restriction. You need to understand that it will not be possible to build these relationships in the future.