Inner core: how to stand your ground and remain a good person

Inner core 20 July 2021, 00:00 | Katya Kozhevnikova

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Inner core is a popular metaphor for a strong personality. What does it mean? It is a combination of willpower, moral values, activity, responsibility and perseverance. In some these qualities are more pronounced, in others they are barely noticeable. The inner core helps people cope more easily with life's difficulties and failures. Let's figure out what it is and whether it is possible to “grow” it.

Goals

It is difficult to confidently go somewhere if the goal at the end of the path is not visible. Therefore, first you need to decide on your goals. Both local and global, both personal (what I want) and, roughly speaking, public (what I can bring to the world). These goals will not only set the direction of movement, but will also give strength to overcome any obstacles along the way.

Will

But in order to overcome difficult obstacles, cope with your own laziness and other weaknesses, willpower is required. By the way, this quality can really be developed. To do this, you need to force yourself to do what you really don’t want to do: get up earlier, eat right, run in the morning or attend training regularly. But at the beginning of this path, you should not immediately set yourself impossible tasks: otherwise there is a high risk of disappointment. You need to train your will in the same way as your muscles: start with small loads and gradually increase them.

By the way, have you noticed that people with a strong inner core often engage in heavy sports? For example, they run marathons. And this is quite natural, because every workout where you need to overcome yourself is a new challenge for the will. And challenges make her stronger.

Landmarks

People with an inner core are distinguished by a clear value system and their own life guidelines. They do not change their minds under the pressure of fashion or environment. Of course, you need to be able to listen to other people and analyze their words. But it’s not worth being a “weathervane”, easily succumbing to other people’s influence. Loyalty to their own values ​​helps such people not to compare themselves with others and not to depend on their opinions.

Being true to your values ​​means being consistent. There are no double standards or self-justifications; actions should not conflict with words. And the requirements for yourself should be even stricter than for others.

Responsibility

A strong person always takes responsibility for his words, actions, and for his entire life. He does not blame others or a coincidence of circumstances, does not go with the flow, but chooses and makes his own way. If you often catch yourself thinking: “I’m unlucky,” “everyone is against me,” and the like, then you still need to work on it.

Development

The more we know and can do, the stronger and more confident we are. Therefore, while “growing” the inner core, we must not forget about self-development. Learn something new all the time. This is useful not only for the brain, but also for personality development.

False Ideals

Some men believe that if they argue with everyone and prove that they are right, this will best demonstrate their strength and confidence. But this is not true - truly confident people do not need to prove anything to anyone. On the contrary, they will not waste their time and energy on unnecessary disputes. As in the joke: “How do you manage to keep up with everything and at the same time maintain a positive attitude? – I just don’t argue with anyone. - But this is impossible! “Well, it’s impossible, that means it’s impossible.”

And in general, a person who is trying hard to show everyone his inner core most likely does not possess it. One of my acquaintances is diligently creating an image of a very strong, brave and even dangerous person on social networks. True, all his posts and comments evoke laughter rather than respect. True strength and confidence do not need such an “advertising campaign.”

What do you think is “inner core” and what does this quality depend on?

By the way…

Inner core is an important quality for any man. Strength and confidence can be felt even in men's fragrances.

Katya Kozhevnikova , iledebeaute.ru

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Inner core: how to stand your ground and remain a good person

In psychology there is such a thing as assertiveness - the ability not to bend to a changing world, in the good sense of the word. Strength of character comes in different forms: I have previously talked about its unconstructive version—rigidity. A rigid person insists on his own or clings to old habits and views where it would be beneficial for him to adapt. And assertiveness is constructive firmness: that inner core that we admire in people who are sensitive and strong at the same time. What does this rod consist of and how to strengthen it?

Assertiveness is often associated with self-confidence, although this concept is less about faith in one’s abilities and more about trust in feelings and a sense of one’s own worth. An assertive person clearly understands that his emotions and needs are no less important than the needs of others, and that he has the right to be treated well. Therefore, in those situations when it seems to him that he is being communicated incorrectly and is being treated unfairly, he will fight back, but at the same time he will respect other people’s boundaries.

Limits of permissible

Here it is worth making a digression about personal boundaries - these are protective restrictions in our heads that determine acceptable interaction with others, how, in our opinion, we can be treated. We usually feel that our personal boundaries are being violated when people do not maintain a comfortable distance, blame us for things that are not our responsibility, decide for us what to do, and show aggression in other forms. But since all these “road markings” are formed in the course of individual experience, primarily childhood, ideas about the limits of what is permissible vary greatly from person to person. As a result, for some people, for example, it will be normal to tell their partner the passwords for all social networks and email, while others, even with their family, will not particularly share details of personal affairs.

Too soft boundaries can make a person a victim of someone else’s manipulation, and too hard ones can prevent you from establishing strong emotional connections with other people, so a golden mean is preferable here, and even better, be able to set boundaries quite flexibly depending on the degree of trust in a particular person.

Many conscientious and anxious people restrain their negative emotions until the last moment, and if they end up lashing out at their neighbor

Assertive behavior is when a person feels free to be himself and express his needs, shows vulnerability with those who are trustworthy, but also resists external pressure and senses when others are trying to exploit his pain points. But he also tries not to play on other people’s weaknesses, because he understands that this will not lead to anything good in the long run.

How to find this golden mean? After all, when defending yourself, you can go too far and start treating other people as objects, ignoring their will and inner comfort. This is what manipulators and aggressors do—unpleasant characters we don’t want to be like. Therefore, many conscientious and anxious people restrain their negative emotions until the last moment, and if they end up lashing out at their neighbors, they feel guilty and are convinced that they should keep their aggression to themselves. So how do you know when it's time to stand up for yourself? Here are the alarm bells:

• you have to hide your real feelings;
• there is a feeling that you are cheating on yourself and losing self-respect;
• in the course of communication, only the other side benefits;
• you feel that your comfort is less important for the other person than his comfort for you.

In such situations, success lies in the combination of accepting one's own emotions with self-control. Many people mistake the suppression of emotional impulses for self-control, but this is about the same as saying that you control a herd of wild horses if you have locked them in a strong pen without bothering to ride them. It's also possible to confuse uninhibited emotional outbursts with healthy self-acceptance, but there's a caveat here: well-integrated emotions shouldn't get in the way too much, while sudden outbursts of rage or sobbing are likely to irritate others and ultimately damage relationships with others. important to you. It makes sense to remain essentially yourself, but in a form that is digestible for other people.

You can come up with wording in advance that will help you share your feelings in the least offensive way for others

Gym for personality

The good news is that assertiveness is a learned skill that can be gradually developed into a habit, and there are special techniques for improving it. In particular, they are used by coaches and cognitive behavioral therapy specialists. But for this, the person himself must be proactive: assertiveness cannot simply be “discovered” in oneself - it is something like the internal muscles of the personality, which is strengthened through exercise, and for the sake of training, one will have to enter into conflicts with others and show behavior that is atypical for oneself. To begin with, you can act out possible conflict situations with a psychotherapist, coach or loved one. Here are some examples of such exercises:

• Refusing others with inappropriate requests that you don't really want to fulfill, but usually do because you're afraid of offending someone, looking selfish, or not being generous enough. At the same time, it is important to avoid long-winded excuses: when a colleague asks you to spend a few hours on his project for free, it’s enough to say “no, I’m busy and won’t be able to help you.” For those who have a clear bias towards passivity, recommendations for people pleasers may be suitable.
• Insisting on your own, having received a refusal, here you can imagine yourself as a broken record that stubbornly plays the same record. It is clear that simply repeating the same thing is not the most flexible and effective strategy for a negotiator, but, again, it helps passive and fearful individuals overcome their internal barrier and understand that persistence in protecting their interests does not make them inhumane aggressors. True, it should be used more as a defensive strategy than as an offensive one - for example, when you are encouraged to do something that you do not like, and not when, for example, you ask your boss to raise your salary.
• Find the most comfortable ways for yourself to express negative emotions. You can come up with wording in advance that will help you share your feelings in the least offensive way for others (it is unlikely that you will be able to offend anyone at all, and manipulators can be offended by the most surprising things, but here it is important to maintain the feeling that you have shown maximum respect for the feelings of others without losing respect for your own ). Usually the so-called “I statements” help here, when a person concentrates on his feelings, and not on the wrong actions of another (“I felt hurt when you..., because for me it was...”, and not “You did I feel bad").
• Ask clarifying questions if something is unclear, and politely question rules and procedures that do not seem constructive to you, even if you are afraid of appearing incompetent, absurd or petty.
• Share responsibility and remember that you are responsible for your behavior, and those around you are responsible for theirs. If someone behaves inappropriately in response to your words, it is not you who drove him, this is his personal business (of course, this is only true for those cases where you yourself did not manipulate). In practice, this means not rushing to apologize and not backing down if the very act of defending your personal interests makes the other person uncomfortable. If you were harsh in your wording, you can apologize for the wording, but you shouldn’t apologize for your needs.

Unfortunately, the concept of assertiveness also has a weak point: no specialist can issue a universal manual for all occasions; the settings will still have to be adjusted to the specifics of individual situations, based on the individual characteristics of the person and his interlocutors. On the other hand, the need to constantly think about new quests is what makes life so exciting. Another point: people with manipulative tendencies are rarely able to recognize and acknowledge their predisposition and may perceive aggression as a healthy and reasonable assertion of rights. But individual shortcomings do not make this concept useless - after all, assertiveness training allows you to compare internal indicators and develop personal strength without losing flexibility.

Daria Varlamova: The concept has not changed. What is rigidity and how does it interfere with adaptation?

The tendency to adhere to a once and for all accepted program is responsible for the mental property of rigidity. In moderate doses it is useful, but its excess leads to maladaptation

Daria Varlamova: Who is a people pleaser and why you shouldn’t try to make everyone comfortable

Some parents equate a good child with an obedient one: he doesn’t argue, doesn’t rebel, does his homework - that’s mom’s happiness. This idea of

Mikhail Zavalov: About toxic people and toxic psychologists

We continue to expose the legends and myths of popular psychology

Self-education of parents

Is this an easy task for thirty year olds? We are very afraid to listen to ourselves, you never know what you will hear inside. For example, you will understand that your life is not yours at all, and you would like to live differently. That you don’t like this city and dream of milking cows in the village (how terrible!). Or that you want to give birth to many, many children, and not go to the office (an even bigger nightmare!). Or that you hate your job and all the people around you (and it’s such a prestigious position!). Or that your husband is already a stranger to you, whom you have never really known. Or that you don’t know your children, don’t see them and don’t love them, even though you buy them the best. These are painful discoveries. Difficult. Therefore, since you haven’t heard yourself for thirty years, you can live on the machine for another thirty. This is how we spend our whole lives running away from ourselves, and then we wonder why it is so difficult and painful.

And the child awakens all these traumas with his liveliness. He still easily follows his desires and listens to himself. Looking at this, without realizing it, we experience pain and envy. And he also understands that real life is better than fictional life, and he is trying in every possible way to return us to this life because of our computers, phones, televisions. He invites us to go for a walk, and we all watch TV series. He wants to draw and create, but we brush him off by reading the news. For us, people without inner integrity, children are a threat. The threat that we will have to look into places we don’t want to look at all. To the depths of your heart. Let's take a look and see devastation there.

We, ideal and successful on the outside, are in fact often empty and unhappy on the inside.

Nobody wants to see this. So what are we doing? We move away those who force us to look where we don’t want to. We come up with a theory that the child is better off in kindergarten - they will study with him, there are children there, there are a lot of things there. We justify this theory to ourselves - and get rid of the child in this way, remaining in the illusion of our success. We feel better. Everyone does it. That's how it's supposed to be. This is right. But for whom is it right?

Question No. 1. What do I really want?

Without desires, aspirations, and goals, a person cannot move forward; a stupor begins: “What to do and how to be?” If you are lost in this world of new opportunities, you are tormented by mental doubts about what to do with yourself in order to achieve success, for example. You just need to decide for yourself and clearly answer the question posed: “What do I really, absolutely want, wish with all my soul and body?” The answer will not come to you easily and simply; to get it, you have to work hard, observe yourself and your thoughts, or use additional auxiliary methods.

The first effective way to find your desire and intention is unconscious drawing, which, with the help of associations, can be interpreted as the desire of your inner “I”. Take a comfortable position, on the sofa, at the table, on the floor. Take pencils or markers and a piece of paper (A4). Concentrate, close your eyes and mentally scroll through the question: “What do I want?” and, opening your eyes, begin to draw, turning off your consciousness for a while, succumb to the magical flow of thought. Let go of your hand, let it decide for itself what to depict on a piece of paper.

To unravel the image, concentrate on the shapes, the integrity of the picture, on the figures. Build cause-and-effect relationships to find out what contributed to this train of thought. The drawing will help you dig deeper and find out what your consciousness wants, find out your true desires and intentions. This kind of solving will help you determine the answer to the question posed.

Desires are directly related to fantasy and imagination. What is the nature of desire, how does the feeling arise when you want something, strive for something. A person tends to fantasize and imagine the value of such fantasies. Use the second method to find answers to your questions. Try this procedure, which is a little like meditation. Take a comfortable position, close your eyes and fantasize, internally asking yourself the same question: “What do I really want?” – the answer will come by itself if you let go of efforts and allow the images to stand in rows and complete pictures.

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Lack of self-reliance: main signs

The inability to support yourself affects all areas of life - work, family, study. Before considering the manifestations of internal resilience, let us pay attention to the main signs that signal the absence of an internal core.

• Conflicting desires. A person himself does not understand what he wants;
• Addictions (alcohol and drug addiction, gambling addiction, unhealthy emotional attachment);
• A person is doing something he doesn't like. Work is not fun;
• He strives to please others - even if this behavior harms himself;
• A feeling of fear of authorities - officials, managers;
• The desire to find an assistant, a kind of “Teacher” who would suggest the right path in life;
• Striving to be perfect in everything.

It also needs to be emphasized that the lack of self-support skills is always accompanied by dissatisfaction with the current life situation. The main emotions are fear and anger, irritation and bitterness, melancholy and resentment.