There was, is, or will be a real narcissist in your life. From now on, this problem will no longer exist and you will solve it. You shouldn't be limited or shackled by little things like some damn narcissist. From this day forward, narcissists will have problems.
I was often asked to write on the topic of a narcissistic man, how to communicate with such a person, how to change him in your direction, how to recognize him, etc.
Well then.
Let's talk to you about this topic.
A narcissistic bastard who thinks only about his skinny ass is self-indulgent! But bitch, you want to break him so much, he infuriates you so much and evokes a feeling of helplessness that you want to tear his skinny ass into a British flag.
An imperious, omnipotent strong hand rests on his shoulder. The Lord Himself prepared this guy for the journey, straightened his hat, and put a piece of bread and a jar of milk in his backpack. And he said in a thick bass voice: “Now you are vanity. Go to Earth and fuck this trashy girl's brains out. Amen".
And here he is in front of you. In his best. And you think who knows what to do with it. I'll go ask Google. And here you are in this article. In gray reality. Google VS God.
You know? I'm still that narcissist myself. And I don't care what others think about it. I just direct my love for myself in a different direction.
You know, you're still that narcissist. It’s just that your excessive love is expressed in the fact that you constantly cry, feeling sorry for yourself, or run after this guy, looking into his eyes devotedly and faithfully, like a stray dog.
You know, all people are still narcissists.
For everyone this manifests itself in some kind of Zen. And I can’t say that some have it more and others less. It just shows up differently. Everyone gets shit on their head differently.
Someone loves himself as an exemplary and well-combed family man.
Someone loves himself as a notorious scoundrel, indifferent to the suffering of others.
Some people love being a victim and an always whining piece of shit.
We are all chess pieces made from the same material. Yes, we look a little different, but essentially the same.
The essence is that you have some member that loves itself very much and you can’t do anything about it, or rather, it loves itself more than you, which obviously doesn’t suit you.
He's fucking himself, not you when he's fucking you. And you want him to fuck only you.
That's sorted out. Go ahead.
A narcissist man infuriates you because YOU have no influence on his feelings. You have no control over him and are afraid that he will simply neglect you.
And maybe they tell you that you need to stay away from such people?
Training
Toxic people respond to your strengths, talents, and happy memories with abuse, disrespect, and expressions of disappointment. They use what I call conditioning to make you associate your happiest moments, interests, hobbies and dreams with their cruel and heartless punishment. In psychology, this is known as positive punishment: adding unfavorable circumstances to prevent a particular goal-directed behavior. When you are regularly punished for achieving a goal, you develop a pattern of negative reinforcement in which, for safety reasons, you avoid goals associated with punishment. Like Pavlov's dog, you are gradually taught to fear the things that once made your life happy and fulfilling, while isolating you from friends and family, leaving you emotionally and financially dependent on the toxic person.
Once the honeymoon is over, this person will both covertly and directly suppress those qualities and traits of you that he once idealized. He will throw you off the pedestal he created and devalue you. He will ruin your holidays, vacations, birthdays, anniversaries and other dates that are important to you.
Narcissists condition us by suppressing our enthusiasm and disrupting our plans during moments that should be filled with joy, such as the birth of a child or professional success. This discourages what relationship researchers call “capitalization,” the expression of excitement about an experience or achievement that enhances its value (Reis et al., 2010). When we cannot share good news with our partner because we expect them to punish or humiliate us, we are deprived of the pleasure of the expected celebration.
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Training leads us to the feeling that everything that brings us joy can be minimized, fundamentally spoiled, or unfairly and completely taken away.
Switching the focus from any of your accomplishments or achievements to the narcissist is an indicator of his pathological need to be constantly in the center of attention. Look at what several victims experienced during what should have been the happiest moments of their lives.
Brooke: “My father sabotaged all the holidays in my life and turned the attention to himself. School, college and university graduations, my baby's baby shower and baptism ceremony."
Amanda: “On all holidays, my mother finds a reason to get angry and make us look like terrible children who abandoned her on her special day. However, she did not show up to my graduation. She said my baby shower was gross and I had to beg for her to come. She threw a huge tantrum at both of our weddings and threatened to leave in the middle of the event. The list goes on and on. We are not allowed to be happy and have some intimate moments just for ourselves.”
Megan: “When we got engaged, my stepmom bought herself a two-carat diamond ring because I was so excited about my engagement ring and I got a lot of attention. I once mentioned that I dreamed of a green Jeep Grand Cherokee. A week later she bought herself the car of my dreams.”
Rachel: “Every holiday and important day in my life has been ruined by my husband's tantrums or disgusting comments. Every single one of them. On Mother's Day he called me terrible names, on Christmas he threw gifts at me because I accidentally opened a box meant for him, he called me names because I didn't want to go down a steep cliff at night on the beach in complete darkness, and that's just the beginning. "
Narcissists are eager to destroy anything that might undermine their control over your life. They are pathologically envious and don't want anything to come between them and their influence over you. After all, if you realize that you can get approval, respect and love from other sources, what will keep you in the relationship? A little training from an evil toxic person will make you tiptoe around and forget about fulfilling your big dreams.
This form of manipulation instills in us a feeling of learned helplessness. It forces us to struggle with the constant feeling of fear that even when everything in life is going well, a toxic parent, partner, sibling, friend, colleague or boss will show up and try to take it away.
Training leads us to the feeling that everything that brings us joy can be minimized, fundamentally spoiled, or unfairly and completely taken away.
“I'm afraid of making other people uncomfortable”: when there's really nothing to be ashamed of
How to stop training
You will be able to resist being coached if you learn to confront your fear of achievement, and this requires regular repetition of targeted actions - without subsequent punishment by the narcissist. Make a list of your past successes, accomplishments, happy moments, and any other sources of joy that have been ruined by the narcissist. Describe how he harmed you, how it made you feel, and what the consequences of this sabotage were. Then consider how to reconnect with these sources of pleasure and pride without the narcissist's interference. Here are some examples:
- if your narcissistic friend constantly ruined your dream career, think about how you can still achieve this goal; - if your toxic parent always ruins your birthdays, get into the habit of inviting only friends and those relatives who will happily share this special day with you; - do not tell narcissists about upcoming happy events and recent successes; — celebrate your achievements more often by organizing holidays and meetings without the presence of a toxic person.
Train yourself to associate a healthy sense of pride and excitement with your passions, hobbies, interests, aspirations and achievements that the narcissist has suppressed. You deserve all the joy from your accomplishments. Don't let pathological envy steal what is rightfully yours.
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Where do daffodils come from?
The reasons for any character traits and behavior are rooted in childhood; if it was dysfunctional, this subsequently affects the psyche. Parents of future narcissists constantly inadequately evaluate their child’s actions, either excessively praising or devaluing his merits.
At first they may praise him for some achievement, and then say that he could have done better or compare him with the successes of other children. This is how the little man begins to develop an internal drama, he does not understand where the limit of perfection is and begins to depend on the opinions of others, trying to earn their approval. Over time, such a child may develop a personality disorder.
Slander
Covert manipulators often spread rumors to destroy your reputation and undermine the trust others have in you. Slander is a preemptive strike designed to harm you and leave you without support in case you decide to end the relationship and leave the toxic person. Manipulators can gossip behind your back, tell nasty things about you to you or their loved ones, spread rumors that make you out to be the aggressor and them the victim, and attribute to you exactly the kind of actions that you can accuse them of. They may spread outright lies, rumors and false assumptions to cast doubt on your sanity and reputation. Moreover, they may even fabricate false evidence. They will also methodically, covertly and deliberately provoke you in order to use your emotional reactions as an argument for your instability for further psychological abuse.
Slander is a preemptive strike designed to harm you and leave you without support in case you decide to end the relationship and leave the toxic person.
This is a form of gaslighting aimed at controlling your image in the eyes of others so that no one believes that you are being abused. If toxic people cannot control how you see yourself, they begin to control how others see you: they portray themselves as a martyr and a victim, making you look like a toxic person. Manipulators try their best to portray you as a manipulator in order to avoid responsibility for their actions. They may even stalk and harass you or someone you know, supposedly to expose you. However, such exposure is only a way to hide their own destructive behavior by projecting it onto you. Sometimes gossip turns not even two people, but entire groups of people, against each other. The victim in a destructive relationship with a narcissist is often unaware of the conversations behind his back while the relationship lasts, but eventually everything secret becomes clear.
You may encounter slander in romantic relationships, at work, among friends, on social networks and among relatives. It often happens that a pathologically envious and sociopathic employee feeds his boss false information about his hardworking colleagues in order to eliminate a threat to his career path. When narcissists achieve great authority and power, they have the opportunity to destroy even more, harming everyone they consider competition. As Joe Navarro, a former FBI profiler, writes in his book Dangerous Individuals, “Narcissists can rise to high positions in areas of great power or trust, and commit abuses and even crimes that sometimes have devastating consequences.” , 2021, 41). The more power a person has, the more devastating a slander directed against a victim can be. This form of manipulation often has very long-term destructive consequences.
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Manipulation and deception: how to avoid falling into the trap of a hunter of simpletons
Why do people develop narcissistic personality disorder?
Narcissistic personality disorder is usually acquired due to trauma or an unhealthy upbringing. Here's what Elinor Greenberg, a world-renowned Gestalt therapy coach and expert on narcissistic personality disorder, says.
“Narcissistic personality disorder can be thought of as an adaptation to a childhood home environment that has left you with unstable self-esteem, low emotional empathy, and a particular set of responses that have now become automatic and habitual.”
Poor parenting appears to be a major factor in the development of narcissistic behavior. If parents are so authoritative that they demand perfection from their children, they often develop an inflated ego and a sense of superiority.
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These behaviors and mentalities are then carried into adulthood, making them nearly impossible to change. Because of this, narcissism becomes deeply rooted in their psychological structure. Greenberg explains:
“As with any habit, your narcissistic responses are now encoded in the brain as a series of neural connections that automatically fire together in certain situations.”
However, this does not mean that narcissism cannot be cured.
“You can choose to learn new responses that you prefer. With continued practice, they will eventually replace old narcissistic communication habits,” advises Greenberg.
How to deal with slander
If you are faced with slander and gossip, continue to stick to the truth and let your integrity and character speak for themselves. If you are unfoundedly accused, operate only with facts. The best “revenge” in such a situation is to live your own life, restore connections with reliable people and move forward to success. Let go of the people who supported the narcissist. They themselves will understand that they were wrong. It's not your job to convince them. Take it as a blessing, now you know who your real friends are.
As difficult as it may be, try not to show emotion in public: narcissists will try to use your reactions against you to make you look inadequate.
Focus on the legal actions you can take to fight defamation: Whenever possible, carefully document evidence of abuse, it will be needed to bring a criminal case. Study the libel laws in force in your region and, if necessary, enlist the help of a lawyer who has experience working with conflict-ridden individuals.
Build healthy relationships with people who can support you in difficult times. Ideally, this circle should include a trauma-informed psychotherapist who understands personality disorders and victims who have experienced similar experiences. It is necessary to build such relationships with sincere and reliable people who can cover your rear, and not with those who support a toxic person. If you have experienced slander, the last thing you need is to be further gaslighted, devalued, or re-traumatized.
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Some of my readers have asked whether it is worth the effort to expose a narcissist to the public eye. In general, trying to defeat a psychopath alone can be a dangerous undertaking, so I strongly recommend that you put your safety first and consult with a lawyer and mental health professional to thoroughly evaluate your specific case. Public exposure can have consequences, and an aggressive toxic person may retaliate by accusing you of slander, even if what you said is true. Don't forget that such people are charming and usually receive social support. Benign types of toxic personalities are afraid of exposure and will certainly retreat if such a possibility occurs, while psychopaths are unimaginably cruel, and some of them are ready to destroy anyone who tries to expose them. Predators' true nature is eventually revealed when they betray the people who supported them, so you shouldn't waste your energy exposing them unless you have proof, confidence in your safety, and the necessary incentive. But first, make sure you weigh all the pros and cons.
Some believe that the risk greatly outweighs the need to expose the manipulator, while others believe that exposure can protect new potential victims or even unite a group of victims of the same predator and inspire them to act together. It all depends on the circumstances, but in any case, your personal safety should be put at the forefront. Focus first on clearing your name, healing, gaining social support, and achieving personal goals.
Skillful manipulation: how to communicate with unbearable people
A couple of important notes for those who survived =)
The strategy I described is several years of work under the strict guidance of a psychologist. A good psychologist usually knows what he is doing and has successfully walked this road himself in the past. So if you suddenly feel upset that you can’t repeat it all yourself, don’t be upset. This is basically not real.
I wrote this article so that you can use it as a map in your work with a psychologist - to see at what stage you are now. Perhaps discuss with a psychologist what is preventing you from going further. I think this orientation is very important.
If you have not yet started working with a psychologist, then I hope it has become a little clearer to you what the specifics of a narcissistic character are, where to start on the path to recovery, and what pitfalls may lie in wait for you.
I work with narcissistic clients in Moscow and via Skype - if you need help, write. Details on the registration page.
I can offer my colleagues the format of case supervision or therapeutic supervision (exploration of your countertransference in connection with the client’s history and your personal history).
If you have questions, ask in the comments, I will definitely answer.
What to read S. Johnson, “Character Psychotherapy” F. Summers, “Beyond the Self.”
O. Kernberg, “Severe personality disorders.” H. Kohut, “Analysis of the Self.” I. Mlodik, “While you were trying to become God.” Healthy? Join my group on VKontakte: You can also find me on FB, LiveJournal and Telegram:
Introspection. Friend or foe?
Think about the circle of people who support you. Who is included in it? Identify those who distanced themselves or turned away from you due to slander - these people showed their true colors. Also note who stayed on your side. These are your real friends. If your entire support circle has fallen apart, start looking for potential sources to create a new one. Connect with support groups, domestic violence centers, counseling, and explore social networking sites (such as Meetup.com).
The victim does not always realize his subordination
Victims of narcissists often report after a breakup that the relationship left them dry and drained. But in the process of the relationship itself, rarely does anyone understand this, because these people change your reality, your idea of the world, of everything that you liked before, making you a person convenient for them.
But no matter how hard you try to adapt to the narcissist, you will never succeed. As soon as you fulfill one requirement, others will appear and they will always be unhappy with you. The manipulations that narcissistic individuals use are quite difficult to recognize.
And the person to whom they are applied is at a loss and does not understand what he is doing wrong, because everything was so wonderful. Usually, understanding comes to the victim when a critical point comes.
Triangulation
Incorporating an outside threatening opinion or just a stranger into a relationship dynamic is known as triangulation. This is a common technique for asserting the correctness of a destructive person and devaluing the reactions of his victim. Triangulation can be used in various contexts for the purpose of sabotage and bullying.
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In romantic relationships, triangulation is used not only to control the partner, but also to provoke jealousy.
“It often leads to love triangles in which you feel insecure and unsettled.
- Narcissistic parents use triangulation to pit their children against each other by making unjustified comparisons and fueling sibling rivalry.
— A sociopathic leader of a social group can pit friends against each other, claiming that one is spreading gossip about the other, but in this way he himself controls each member of the group by spreading false information.
— In the workplace, toxic people may use triangulation by misinforming their boss about co-workers to prevent them from getting a well-deserved promotion.
In romantic relationships, triangulation is used not only to control the partner, but also to provoke jealousy. Malignantly toxic people love to involve strangers, coworkers, ex-partners, friends, and even family members in relationships in order to make you feel insecure. They also use the opinions of others to validate their point of view and gaslight the abuse you experience.
The narcissist uses triangulation and creates a “harem” to appear as a highly desirable individual, regardless of how realistic this is. In his book The Art of Seduction, Robert Greene encourages seducers to create triangles involving friends, former lovers and current admirers to fuel rivalry and increase their importance. This creates the appearance of competition, and the target is focused on winning the attention and love of the “highly desirable” person. As Green writes: “Few people will find attractive a person who is avoided or neglected by everyone: people circle around those who have already aroused someone’s interest. To attract the attention of your victims, to make them covet what you have, create an aura of popularity - show that you are desired and in demand, that crowds of admirers are chasing you" (Greene, 2004, 195).
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Narcissists create love triangles by constantly talking about their ex-partners, people they went on dates with, or those who are "obsessed" with them (you will later find out that these are the narcissist's victims). Active triangulation may be an early warning sign or a harbinger of future manipulation. For example, if on the first date your date talks endlessly about his exes, his crushes or crushes, or if he flirts heavily with others, take this as a serious warning sign and a clear sign of disrespect.
Triangulation is a diversionary tactic designed to shift attention away from abuse and toward a person's false image of desirability. The "harem" serves as social proof of the narcissist's character. If you have a problem with a narcissist, then you must be the problem, or so you think. In reality, this just means that people prefer not to notice that the king is naked.
Manipulators use triangulation as part of other abusive tactics—slander and gaslighting—or to obtain narcissistic reinforcement. It makes you doubt yourself: “If Danica agrees with Justin and also thinks I’m crazy, maybe I’m wrong after all?” The truth is that narcissists are happy to tell you gossip and lies that others have allegedly told about you, while they themselves spread the rumors behind your back.
Narcissists can cause deep psychological trauma.
Those who have been close to a narcissist for a long time say that they are filled with feelings such as fear, sadness, emptiness, self-doubt, humiliation, pain, they experience depression, a state of complete hopelessness, unwillingness to live, and lose interest in everything what I liked before.
Narcissists destroy everything good that is in you, force you to completely submit to their will, to live like a devoted dog who is waiting to be thrown a bone - these are the crumbs of attention that they sometimes bestow on their victim. And when she receives them, she experiences a feeling of euphoria and immense happiness, and is ready to endure any humiliation, just to be thrown a bone again.
