Abuse from a partner implies some kind of psychological pressure on the volitional component of one’s counterpart. In this article we will cover the topic of purely emotional violence, although often the line between emotional and physical is extremely fluid and can dissolve when a partner crosses the line.
In psychology, it is customary to generally refer to abusers as people with certain mental characteristics, namely people with power, inclined to suppress the will of a partner through direct methods - humiliation, insults, accusations, and indirect ones - demonstrative ignoring, care, manipulation.
Leave the abuser and end the relationship
Of course, the most effective way is to get out of a relationship with such a person and never return to it. But some “victims” of charming narcissists get hooked on the emotional needle and are unable to leave on their own, becoming stuck in such relationships for a long time, or even forever. Some are more afraid of divorce, worry about how they will raise a child, and are afraid that they will violate the stereotype that a “decent woman” must have a husband. Some people simply don’t know how to end a relationship with an abuser—in such cases, it’s better to turn to a psychologist for help.
How to avoid getting into a relationship with an abuser?
A woman with certain stereotypes and childish behavior patterns, who attracts abusers, will not even be able to determine at first that she is in such a relationship. Because this is her norm, a standard learned from childhood. The more such “norms” are absorbed, the more difficult it is for a woman to assess the situation soberly.
Therefore, in order to no longer fall into abusive relationships, you need to work through your patterns and fears. This will help you start looking at the world from a different angle. Appreciate and love yourself more, understand and accept your strength and capabilities.
If everything is in order with your children’s attitudes, take a close look at men on first dates, and monitor the listed alarm bells. If you notice everything or almost everything, you are probably facing an abuser. And it would be better to stop communicating with him.
Discuss the problem
Try to talk about your unexpressed negative feelings, emphasizing your rejection of the man’s unacceptable behavior and statements. You should not speak in an accusatory manner, but from an I-position, for example, “I feel humiliated when I hear such words from you.” This, at least, will allow you to convey your feelings to your partner in a peaceful manner and, if he is not completely devoid of empathy (and he is not a nuclear psychopath), but simply a person who was traumatized at one time, he is obliged to hear.
Preparing for separation
The first thing you need to do in order to at least a little rein in the abuser is to try to have a heart-to-heart talk with him and frankly tell him about your intention to break up.
Often words do not reach such people, however, in the minds of some abusers, after realizing a possible loss, a significant change can occur; it is only important to choose the right words so as not to anger the partner and not get another conflict with broken dishes and threats.
First of all, you need to talk calmly . It's better to look your partner in the eyes. This calms many abusers down. It is important to demonstrate that this is no longer his victim, but an independent person who can really leave.
The partner must learn to demonstrate his own “I” and stop following the abuser’s lead. Having noticed this, some people are able to correct themselves before realizing a possible loss. If this does not happen, the satellite will simply prepare the ground for separation.
What is abuse and why is it dangerous?
Abuse is a term meaning violence, mistreatment, insult.
Abuse is also a form of psychological, physical, sexual or economic violence against a person. An abuser can be anyone: a partner, friend, acquaintance, colleague, teacher, relative or neighbor. Anyone can also take the place of the victim. A cute little girl psychologically breaks a stern jock no worse than a huge man does with his wife, and children manipulate their parents as successfully as they manipulate them. The aggressor may think that he is doing everything right, because he does not receive a drop of pleasure from his behavior and, in his opinion, is pursuing good goals.
Violence is dangerous not only because it can cause physical harm. Any form of pressure affects the psyche, and not everyone can leave a relationship without emotional losses. The consequences can be serious: decreased self-esteem, loss of self-esteem, the emergence of confidence in one’s own worthlessness, the emergence of pathological anxiety, paranoia, depression, suicidal thoughts and the desire to harm oneself physically.
It is important to note that the victim does not always have the opportunity to limit communication with the abuser, especially if it is a close relative. For example, young children will not be able to leave and live independently of their parents, and parents, in turn, will not be able to abandon their aggressive child. Also, aggressors can deliberately instill a feeling of guilt in their victim so that she does not resist manipulation.
What to do if the relationship has gone far?
Abusers quickly gain the trust of their partner, so it is possible that when his partner understands the seriousness of the situation, the relationship will have already gone far. It is especially difficult to part with a tyrant if there are children in the family .
If violence manifests itself physically, you need to act immediately. You can even combine breaking up the relationship with calling the police. If a person does not want to involve law enforcement agencies in his family conflicts, it is recommended to take a number of preparatory measures before leaving the abuser:
Save money .
If you have to run away from your partner, it is better to have a small cash reserve. It should be enough for a person to last the first few months of his life, until he finds a job and gets used to the new place.The money you put aside should be kept secret from your partner.
- Prepare a retreat . You can agree with relatives or friends so that they are ready to accept the person at any time.
- Always be ready . In a fit of jealousy, the abuser can damage documents and valuables, so it is recommended to put them in a bag and store them in a safe place. In case of a stormy breakup, this will help you escape from home faster. As a last resort, you can make copies of important documents.
- Buy a spare phone . The abuser strives to control everything, so he quickly learns about the preparations for separation. To avoid this, it is better to buy a spare phone and hide it in a safe place. You can agree on escape plans and acquire the necessary contacts.
- Change passwords . Just before you leave, it is better to change the passwords for your pages on social networks and delete any information that can be used to track a person’s location.
He justifies his actions with high feelings
Whatever the abuser does, he assures his partner that he is doing it in the name of love for her. This is why women sometimes endure emotional or even physical tyranny for decades - they believe that this, albeit non-standard, is a manifestation of sincere feelings.
The “stick” is always followed by a “carrot” - the abuser repents, speaks of love, and may even shed a tear or burst into tears. Despite the bitter experience, the woman believes that this time really was the last. Emotional tyrants are very persuasive.
How will the manipulator behave after?
The abuser will definitely try to get his partner back.
Her departure will be a complete shock for him, because he believed that he did everything right. The person will try in every possible way to make contact . If this does not work out, you should expect revenge.
He may post damaging photos or spread unpleasant rumors about his ex. However, there is also a more or less adequate type of abuser.
They will also try to make contact, but after a while they will stop trying. Such people, having realized the loss, are really capable of changing. It is only important to recognize them in time and not confuse them with previous species.
What signals should not be ignored
Humiliation and criticism
The aggressor will definitely try to undermine your self-esteem. And this is how he will do it.
"You are my little pig..."
At first, the abuser will not openly insult the victim, otherwise she will become indignant and get off the hook. Therefore, he will present insults as something natural or even funny. He will not miss an opportunity to call his partner stupid, a loser, or even worse. If the victim is indignant in response, she is told that “I’m the one who loves you” and “you don’t understand jokes at all.”
This also includes nicknames that seem cute at first glance, but are actually offensive, like “my donut”, “little pig”, “fool”. As a result, the victim gets used to such humiliating language addressed to him and begins to think that he is really stupid, fat and that nothing will work out for her.
"Forever you..."
Anything can happen next: you are late, you stumble, you make mistakes, you ruin everything. Such remarks are accompanied by tsking and rolling of the eyes, and after that the abuser will definitely say something like this: “It’s good that you have me. What would you do without me? Regularly hearing something like this, the victim sooner or later comes to the conclusion that he is really worthless and cannot cope without his “savior”.
“It’s okay, they’re our friends!”
The aggressor can easily subject the victim to public humiliation. For example, rudely make fun of her in the presence of friends or make fun of her awkwardness. To all complaints, he will say that there is nothing wrong with this and since everyone is funny, then she should be funny too.
“Are you going to the circus with this makeup? Come on, it’s just a joke!”
Harsh sarcasm, stupid jokes that are actually insults packaged in third-rate humor - abusers love to use all this to destabilize the victim and make him feel insignificant. If she starts to get indignant, she will definitely hear that she misunderstood everything and, in general, you shouldn’t be so vulnerable.
“Others at your age are already earning millions”
No achievement will impress the abuser.
- Got a promotion at work? It’s a little late, of course, but that’s okay, for you this is commendable.
- Got a prize at an important competition? Why are you happy? It’s not a victory.
- Did you manage to pay off your mortgage early? Yes, your parents probably helped you.
After such statements, a person, of course, is no longer happy and thinks that his achievements are really ridiculous and mean nothing.
"Don't waste your time on this crap!"
If the victim has a hobby, the abuser will not miss the opportunity to ridicule him in every possible way. Because his task is to deprive the victim of his own life and interests, so that she spends time and energy only on him.
Control
Abusers use any techniques to subjugate their partner, deprive him of his will and make him feel shame for any offense - real or imagined.
"Where are you? Why don’t you pick up the phone right away?”
A toxic partner seeks to monitor his victim's every move. He demands that she report on his affairs and movements, and annoys her with calls and messages. Can install location monitoring programs on your phone. Can follow the victim personally. In a word, he does everything to prevent the “toy” from running away and getting used to feeling like he’s on a short leash.
“Yes, I read the messages on your phone. And what’s wrong?”
Abusers, without a twinge of conscience, can conduct digital surveillance of their victims. Read messages on social networks and instant messengers, listen to your phone, check your browser history. In some cases, they even demand passwords and invade the victim's privacy quite openly.
“This is common money. Should I have asked?
Emotional abusers do not consider it necessary to take into account the opinion of their victim and make decisions unilaterally. They can carry out some operations with common money behind their partner’s back. They can cancel a doctor’s appointment for someone else, refuse an invitation to a holiday, or express dissatisfaction with the boss because the victim spends too much time at work. In a word, they behave as if half of them have no rights.
“No, I won’t give you money. You'll spend it on nonsense again."
Financial violence is one of the favorite levers of aggressors. If the victim does not have her own income (unemployed, housewife, mother on maternity leave), they begin to reproach her with money, deprive her of finances for “misdeeds,” or give her tiny amounts that are not really enough for anything.
But even if we are talking about a working and financially independent person, the abuser will still find a way to leave him without funds. Will put all the money into his own account or stop paying the joint mortgage. He will simply take away everything he has earned, declaring that the partner does not know how to handle money, and will force you to account for every ruble spent.
“Where is my dinner? Bring it now!”
At first, abusers often seem sweet and harmless, but at some point they can begin to communicate exclusively in a commanding tone. Do this, submit that, go and buy it immediately, don’t take these medications anymore. The victim is expected to obey unquestioningly, without being at all interested in her opinion and needs.
“Again you’re driving me crazy!”
Outbursts of anger - unpredictable and completely incommensurate with the actions that cause them - are a characteristic feature of the behavior of manipulators. A person who has been in contact with such a partner for a long time begins to be afraid and literally walks on a tightrope, so as not to provoke another explosion. Because screaming, assault or pogroms can start at any moment - it’s enough to return home later than usual or not wash the dishes.
“You won’t succeed, let me do it better”
Abusers behave as if the victim is not an adult, but a small child who can and should be told what to wear, where to go, who to be friends with, what to do. The opinion of the other party is not taken into account. Such dictatorship is often served with the sauce of care. The goal is to deprive a person of independence and make him believe that he himself is not capable of anything.
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Instilling feelings of guilt
Guilt is an excellent lever with which a person is very easy to manipulate. And abusers know this very well.
“I see you’re flirting!”
The victim of an abuser may turn out to be unfaithful at any moment, even if she herself does not know about it. Smiled at the waitress? He was probably trying to flirt. Did you go to a corporate party in a beautiful dress? Well, everything is clear, this is only for the men from the office to stare at.
The “cheater” may be under surveillance; he will be forced to make excuses for every glance, sigh or smile, for every minute of being late - as if he were really guilty of something. And this is not to mention the screams, scandals and ugly scenes, including public ones.
"Aren `t you ashamed?!"
If the victim's behavior does not meet the expectations of her partner, she will definitely be told how worthless she is and how she disappointed such a good person. This will be done, for example, with the help of lengthy lectures and reprimands.
“I do so much for you! And you…"
When the victim tries to argue, object or defend their point of view, manipulators often begin to put pressure on feelings of guilt. They make it clear that they are ready to do anything for the sake of the relationship, and the other half is just an ungrateful bastard who does not value anything. By the way, this technique is very popular not only with toxic partners, but also with parents: “We have invested so much in you! Why do you hate us so much?
"It is your fault!"
It doesn’t matter what exactly is going wrong in the abuser’s life—the boss yelled, the project fell through, the tire blew out, he needs to find someone to blame. And for this role they usually choose someone defenseless and dependent, someone who cannot give a proportionate answer or send them away.
Isolation and rejection
Abusers often try to quarrel their partner with friends and relatives and force them to leave work. In a word, make sure that the victim is left alone, without anyone’s support.
“These friends were given to you. Let's have a better time together"
It is not beneficial for the abuser for his “property” to have a rear in the form of loved ones. After all, they can notice his inappropriate behavior earlier than the victim, blinded by feelings, and persuade her to leave. Therefore, it is very important for an emotional abuser to stand between his other half and her social circle. He will turn her against friends, quarrel with relatives, and directly or indirectly interfere with communication. For example, he will convince the victim that her family does not love him and is unfairly offending him, or that her friends are actually jealous of her.
"I do not want to talk to you"
One type of emotional abuse is neglect. For any “offense” the victim is punished with coldness and detachment. They deliberately deprive her of tenderness or sex, they stop talking to her, they literally stop noticing her, as if she is an empty place. If people do not yet live together, the abuser may disappear from the radar and stop answering calls.
As a result, the victim experiences a very rich palette of negative feelings - from discomfort to complete despair - and after some time is ready to beg for forgiveness, just so as not to feel rejected. And the abuser generously forgives her, so that after some time he can again give her an emotional swing.
"You are crying? Well, okay"
You won’t get sincere warmth and support from an abuser. If a partner is upset and going through a difficult time, an emotional abuser can easily ignore it, pretend they didn't notice, or say they have no right to feel what they feel.
Depreciation
The abuser tries with all his might to make the victim feel insignificant and worthless.
“Just think! Is this really a problem?
The victim tells her partner about something important to her, shares her experiences, and he demonstrates with all his appearance that this is nonsense. This behavior is called devaluation. It can be very hurtful and undermine your sense of self-worth.
Devaluation can be expressed not only verbally. There are also gestures like rolling eyes, snorting and tsking.
“You take everything too personally”
Such phrases can be a sign of gaslighting - manipulation, with the help of which they try to convince the victim of his inadequacy. Make you believe that she is too vulnerable and impressionable, or even inventing something that is not there. Typical gaslighter phrases: “You’re exaggerating”, “You just imagined it!”, “Don’t be so nervous!”, “Why are you making things up?”
If you pin an abuser against the wall with irrefutable facts, he will still deny to the last moment that he insulted you, raised his hand, followed you, or hid money. Or he will fly into a rage and declare that it was the victim who brought him to sin, which means that he himself is to blame for everything. All this is needed to destabilize the partner and achieve his submission.
