How to learn to live for yourself: advice from a psychologist

September 10, 2018
Psychology of thinking
Valentina Buravleva

Life is given to a person only once. And how he lives it depends on his personal feeling of happiness. Will he throw all his strength into existing to please others, or will he be able to develop healthy egoism in himself? Anyone who wants to enjoy the valuable gift of life must learn this useful skill.

Why is it necessary to develop healthy egoism in yourself?

When parents begin to live for themselves, take care of themselves, then their children adopt this behavior. They see that they can and should take care of themselves, and then reproduce this behavior in their personal lives. On the other hand, if the mother or father is constantly exhausted, depressed and generally tired of the heavy burden of life, then a similar behavioral model is passed on to the child. It is not surprising that a daughter or son then grows up and cannot build healthy relationships.

Healthy selfishness also has a beneficial effect on marital relationships. When a woman begins to live for herself, she has every chance of making her partner fall in love with her again. He sees her well-groomed appearance and sparkling eyes, and this inspires the man to win the heart of his lady again and again. The same applies to the ability of representatives of the stronger sex to take care of themselves and defend their interests. The woman sees that her chosen one has gained self-esteem, and her desire to love and respect him also increases.

Optimistic attitude

When a person has no problems, he rejoices at any event. Then his loved ones will be happy. For example, my mother is not in the mood in the morning and swears for no reason. It is clear that her relatives will not have him. And when mom kisses you in the morning and wishes you a happy day, then everything will be fine

A truly happy person endures difficulties and adversity more easily. And for example, in this case, it is better to take a child of two to four years old. It is at this age that the baby enjoys everything in the world. And he doesn’t know what sadness is. When he falls, he shakes himself off and runs on. After all, there is so much new and unknown ahead, there is no time to be sad. At this age, the child lives entirely one day at a time and tries to do a bunch of things. This is the ideal to follow.

Ignoring other people's negativity

What does it mean to live for yourself and how to learn this difficult art? When a person is spoken of in the spirit of this phrase, it means that he knows how to satisfy his needs and is attentive to himself. Another of the most important properties of reasonable egoism is to ignore the negativity coming from other people.

If a person allows others to take from himself more than he gives, then his life balance very quickly begins to lose balance. To protect yourself from the negativity of others, you need to learn to ignore it. It is worth remembering: only he himself has the right to judge a person. People around him may know what is happening to him. However, they are unlikely to be able to understand what he feels - at least, most do not even have the desire to try on the role of their neighbor and share his pain or grief.

Don't be led by the people around you

If a person has a dream, then it must come true. And a new one will take its place. But often someone else’s opinion is imposed on a person. For example, my wife dreamed of going to her mother on vacation. And my husband convinced me that my dream of renovating my apartment was better. The repairs are done, and I seem happy with the work done. But there is no feeling of happiness.

What does it mean to live for yourself? This means living in a way that respects your desires and stands up for your opinions. And living the dream of another, complete happiness will not be possible.

The ability to forgive

A person is able to live fully for himself if his soul is not burdened with suffering or resentment towards other people. People around you can often cause pain, either intentionally or unknowingly. One way or another, in response to unacceptable behavior, a person develops resentment and a feeling of disappointment. He becomes a hostage to their behavior, forced to carry these negative emotions within himself.

That is why it is necessary to learn to forgive those who behave unworthily. After all, only an internally free person can live for himself without boundaries. How to start doing this? In order to forgive your neighbor and thereby gain inner freedom, you must internally come to terms with his imperfections. When a person understands that his neighbor cannot or does not want to behave in one way or another, he is freed from illusory expectations. This allows you to free yourself from the deceptive image of your neighbor and see his true face. Having gained emotional freedom, a person is no longer fixated on getting something from another in return. Having forgiven others, it is easier to direct most of your energy to achieving personal goals and taking care of yourself.

Don’t strive to live up to imposed beauty ideals

At different times, there were their own ideals of beauty, which women and men tried to live up to. Today, such ideals also exist – obsessively, and even aggressively promoted. Magazines, television, movies, the Internet, social networks - they all teach us what true beauties and handsome men should look like, and what needs to be done for this.

Think about two important points.

Firstly, the concept of beauty is very changeable and often its legislators are people who have certain shortcomings (from their point of view) and want to turn them into dignity and an object of admiration . For example, a woman with large buttocks begins to attract attention to them, constantly emphasizing them. After all, there are always those who pick up this “wave” and begin to strive for it themselves. It's all about the confidence you show to people. Be confident in yourself too.
Secondly, beauty ideals are often imposed in order to enrich themselves at the expense of women and men who are not happy with their appearance . Plastic surgeries to enlarge or reduce various parts of the body, expensive skin and hair care products, numerous cosmetic procedures - everything around literally screams that you definitely need this in order to become more attractive. Don't let others force their opinions on you and you can become unique . Act wisely and don't be fooled by advertising.

What is really worthy of your attention is playing sports and following the principles of rational nutrition. And, most importantly, within reasonable limits. This is necessary, first of all, in order to be healthy and active. But not to be fashionable and to please others. You are an individual and your appearance is unique. Get rid of stereotypes and do not let others influence you in this matter.

2. Do what you really enjoy

This can apply to both everyday affairs and work. How can you start living for your own pleasure if your work is real hard labor for you ? Or if you are constantly doing what you supposedly need (you or others?), but does not bring any satisfaction?

If you are spinning like a squirrel in a wheel, doing without normal physical and mental rest, then it is not surprising that you do not feel the fullness of life.

What to do? The art of living for yourself involves some action. Look for a job that you will enjoy (even if it takes you a lot of time). Sometimes put off pressing matters to do something interesting or just relax (believe me, not washing the floor today, not cooking dinner or not taking out the trash is not the worst thing).

Listen to yourself and feel what you want to do here and now . Of course, no one can cancel the obligatory tasks, but make a promise to yourself: as soon as you cope with them, you will be able to do something really interesting to you. By the way, this is a good incentive to quickly cope with routine and not very pleasant things.

Get rid of destructive thoughts and phrases

You may not realize at first that it is you who are preventing yourself from becoming free with your thoughts. Here are examples of some phrases that you should never say to yourself or to others:

"I'm sure I won't succeed." Drive such thoughts away from yourself. They are terrible and only cause harm. If you believe in your strength and luck, your chances of achieving success in any business will increase significantly.
“I don’t have enough knowledge, experience and confidence to find a good job.” Try to be original when offering your services to potential employers. Be persistent and confident.
“I’ll probably always be lonely.” Discard these thoughts. Even if you don’t have a loved one in your life yet, don’t dwell on it.

Use your free time from relationships to realize your abilities, self-development and unlock your potential. When you feel like a harmonious person, you will definitely attract happiness into your life.

Psychologists say that by repeatedly repeating the same phrases and scrolling through certain thoughts, a person is able to create an attitude in the subconscious. Therefore, instead of negative attitudes, form positive ones . Over time, you will begin to notice how they become reality.

Strive for change if it makes you happy

Many of us have a subconscious fear of making drastic changes in our lives. Yes, stability is great in most cases. But only if it brings positive results.

Why, albeit stable, but nervous and low-paid work, where your bosses don’t appreciate you? Why communicate with a friend who constantly lets you down and causes nothing but trouble? You waste years that you could live for yourself, and not for someone else, trying to make excuses: “Yes, not very good, but stable.”

Of course, it is difficult to decide to change. But think about how much pleasure a new job, new relationship and image can bring.

Never forget about your own goals and desires

Every day should be filled with meaning. And in order for it to happen, you need to have a goal and work towards it at least little by little. You should think about what exactly you want . Not your parents, husband/wife, friends. Exactly you. How do you understand that the goal is not yours, but imposed by someone? If you don't feel pleasure in what you do, then it's not your goal.

Think about what can make you happy. Live your own dream, not someone else's. And so that you can sort out your desires, we have prepared the following information. Read on.

Forgiving yourself

Parents are able to love their children and forgive them, despite the mess that they constantly make in the apartment (and often in life). Children love their mother and father, even if they do not pay them enough attention, constantly read morals or point out their shortcomings. We are able to forgive a sister who is always late or a friend who promised something but never kept his promise. Accordingly, if we are able to forgive each other, it means that a person is fully capable of loving and forgiving himself.

Even if serious mistakes have been made along the path of life, there is no need to dwell on them. “What does it mean to live for yourself?” - those who want to change their attitude towards themselves ask themselves. First of all, this phrase describes a way of being in which a person consciously refuses self-flagellation. After all, self-accusation never leads to anything good, no matter how justified it may seem. When a member of society constantly reproaches himself for his own misdeeds, he automatically becomes “convenient” for anyone from his environment, but not for himself.

Pay attention to moral values.

Now every square centimeter of the world is saturated with material values, but it’s worth paying attention to moral ones! Living in a big house can seem like hell if your husband is a tyrant or brand clothes don’t hide your overweight body.

Buying a trip is a way to see another country and expand your horizons. Charity is a way to help others, not a whim of the rich and famous! The easier your attitude towards money, the lighter your soul becomes. You can wake up every day in high spirits if you prioritize achieving your goals rather than making money!

Why you should avoid self-blame

Many members of society are accustomed to noticing each other’s weaknesses and their sense of their own inferiority. There are usually very few people who will not take advantage of such a human condition. The same person who loves and forgives himself for his shortcomings is truly capable of becoming a better person. He will not try to justify himself to other people in order to improve his self-esteem and rise in his own eyes. While a dependent person is doomed to the fate of being led, because all her energy is spent on following the lead of others and reproaching herself for real and imaginary misdeeds.

Find your social circle.

The circle of communication is rarely limited to parents and teachers. I really want to tell a secret to an old acquaintance or tell the truth to a friend. A person himself fills his “phone book” with contacts with whom he wants to communicate. But you shouldn’t always consider Alexey a friend and Irina a friend.

There's no need to try to keep someone if things don't work out. Old connections can only drag you down and interfere with your life. Open, positive-minded people attract both similar and negative characters. It is important not to allow yourself to be controlled through the interests of others or to try to please someone.

Openness in communication

Society often puts pressure on an individual, manipulating him into acting in accordance with social moral principles and conditions that are favorable to him. Proof of this can be the most banal and seemingly insignificant everyday situations. For example, instead of working on her own project, the daughter goes to her parents’ dacha to weed the beds there. Instead of resting on his rightful weekend, a person goes to work because he is afraid of an authoritarian boss. But what happens when we step on the throat of our own ego? Most often, this leads to the accumulation of irritation, indignation, and sometimes anger. Therefore, the one who strives to please everyone and in everything, most often makes things worse for himself.

How to learn to live for yourself and avoid such mistakes? It is important for a person who wants to become a healthy egoist to learn to refuse other people if their requests go against his own wishes. Otherwise, a person comes to feel a sense of betrayal committed against himself. Sometimes saying “no” can be extremely difficult.

Learn to enjoy every day?

A person who loves himself should not waste time on trifles and worries. This is the lot of weak people. A happy person spends every day with benefit. Therefore you need:

Let go of the past. After all, it often happens that a person sits and grieves for hours over what happened. It is important to understand one thing here. What happened cannot be undone. Indeed, it is a pity to lose a loved one, a good job, and so on. But we need to move on with our lives. There are still many discoveries ahead. Each person builds his own future. And whoever doesn’t do this will get bogged down in everyday routine. The only thing you need to do with past events is to accept all your mistakes as a lesson. And try not to let them happen anymore.
Do not be sad. Even though life has different surprises in store. You need to try to find the positive sides in everything. When a person sees an optimist and sees how he enjoys everything, he believes that the person clearly has a carefree life. No, everyone has black stripes. You just shouldn’t exaggerate all the problems and think only about them. After all, there is something good. For example, the laptop broke down. Of course, there is nothing good about this. But this means that sooner or later a new and modern one will be purchased. In the meantime, I have free time for my family, reading books, playing with children, and so on.
Live every day as if it were your whole life. Enjoy every morning in any weather. If a trip to nature or a barbecue was planned for the weekend, and it’s raining outside, then married couples can go to any entertainment center. Young people can go to the cinema, and not sit in front of the TV, lamenting how bad the weather is, ruining all their plans. If you have some kind of impossible dream, then make every effort to make it come true.
Be happy for other people's achievements. A person who is constantly jealous of everyone does not have time to live his life. And sometimes he does not notice his successes, which could bring joy.

The need to learn to say “no”

At first, when refusing others, people usually feel a strong sense of awkwardness. They realize that they are much more comfortable agreeing with others, even if they do not like the request or suggestion. But if you train in the ability to refuse, then you can gradually learn to do it easily and simply. The awkwardness will be replaced by a feeling of confidence and self-righteousness.

This does not mean that a person who wants to live for himself is an egoist in the bad sense of the word and never helps others. If he has such an opportunity and desire, he will lend a helping hand. However, if you have to do this contrary to your own plans and discretion, or sacrificing your own interests, it is unlikely that a person who loves himself will agree to this.

Daily activities should be loved, not forced

Often a person goes to work through force or cleans the house because it is necessary. And he leaves absolutely no time for himself. With this lifestyle, anyone will give up.

Girls ask: “How to make life better?” No matter the workload, you need to find time for yourself. It’s great if a person knows how to pamper himself. You can give yourself half an hour when you come home from work. For example, you can watch the news, a TV series, flip through a magazine, or just eat ice cream. And you still have time to wash the floor or cook dinner.

It will be more difficult to find a job, especially if it is highly paid. But there are no problems that cannot be solved. If you want, you can find a job you like, it just takes time and patience. But if you have the desire, you will find your favorite job.

We must not be afraid of change. Let your family get used to the fact that now you will have time to devote not only to them, but also to yourself. Then homework won’t be too much of a burden.

Acting in one's own interests

Since the phrase “start living for yourself” means the ability to satisfy one’s own needs and needs, the ability to act in one’s own interests is an integral part of the formation of healthy selfishness. To transform his life, a person should do those things for which he will be grateful to himself in the future. What he does today must be a significant contribution to tomorrow. Often this point turns out to be closely related to the ability to say “no” - both to people and to things that do not fit into the schedule. For example, a woman who throws all her strength into pleasing her husband and children may seriously regret it in a few years. After all, in all the time that has passed, she has not done anything for herself personally, and now she has to reap the fruits of this development of events.

What could be the consequences of such a strategy for such a woman? She will always be oppressed by a feeling of dissatisfaction with her own activities, because she did absolutely nothing for herself personally: she did not accumulate her own capital, did not advance up the career ladder, but only constantly sacrificed her interests and hobbies. It is rare that in such situations she can hear words of gratitude from those for whom she had to give up herself. Sometimes such women (although there are also men among a similar contingent) ask themselves: “What is it like to live for yourself?” To become a reasonable egoist, you need to do things today that will become an investment in your own tomorrow. These can be small steps: visiting a doctor in a timely manner as a preventative appointment, paying attention to your needs and pursuing your own interests, and ultimately, playing sports. And these can also be quite thorough actions. For example, obtaining a higher education, purchasing your own car or real estate.

Pay attention to your own goals.

How to start living for yourself when your dreams simply don’t exist or you simply don’t work on them? Living means making every day meaningful. Integrity is given to us by goals that should progress and not degrade. Often, children have their opinions imposed on them by their parents, which carries over into adulthood. Suffering from studying for the wrong specialty, working in a place you don’t like, communicating with unpleasant people—this attracts negativity.

If life is filled with heaviness, then it is worth getting rid of imposed desires. Human needs can be divided into “own” and “other people’s”. It is important to ask yourself: “Am I living someone else’s dream or my own?” As soon as a person makes sure that he is striving for his own goals, but not those imposed from the outside, it will become easier to start living.

Healthy optimism

How should you live for yourself so that later you don’t feel “excruciatingly painful for the years spent aimlessly”? The person who does not know how to enjoy life and notice simple little things dooms himself to a depressive existence. Even on the most difficult days you need to be able to see the good. Those people who did not know how to rejoice and let pleasant events into their lives seriously regret it at the end of their existence.

Basic needs

Dissatisfaction with basic needs takes us away from our mission in this world; we will always do the opposite, or rather, we will not do anything to achieve what we want. And if we start satisfying these needs with unhealthy, reactive habits, we will lose even more energy.

For example, when I was younger, I didn't listen to my own body: I overate. I didn’t know how much silence I needed, so I got tired faster - and then I got peace and quiet in order to recover. I didn’t know how many or what words I needed to hear to feel approved—I could spend too much time “begging” people to treat me well. Before I realized that I needed half an hour to an hour of training to be emotionally balanced, I was completely unbalanced and could get stuck in dramatic experiences for hours, often dragging other people into them. It turned out that all I needed was to clear the stagnant energy from my body. Previously, in order to calm down after a busy day, I watched TV for hours or drank alcoholic beverages.

It took me years to understand that my “yes” to all invitations was not out of kindness, but out of insecurity, and that it did not add intimacy to the relationship. I learned to see the difference between a real yes and an obedient yes, and it was a real breakthrough. I began to speak the truth about my emotions and need for peace.

Favourite buisness

How to live for yourself? How to spend your precious time productively? Society at different stages of growing up forces us to follow certain rules of life. From childhood, certain standards are imposed on people: a person must get an education (often something that interests parents), build a career, get married, have children. But the question is, will he be happy? Will such a life bring him joy, will he feel satisfaction from the feelings and emotions he experienced in his old age?

To learn to live for yourself, and not for others, you need to do those things that make life joyful and fulfilling. You need to determine which activities bring joy, which are valuable and useful. If you have a desire to play in the theater in your heart, and everyone around you insists that you need to build a career as a lawyer, you should think about the possibilities of fulfilling your dream and making it come true.

Is it difficult to start “living for yourself”?

To stop living only for the sake of others, you need to take the following steps:

Start delegating responsibility. Trust work tasks to colleagues and household chores to other family members. Explain that you have the right to personal time and therefore you are starting to live by new rules.
Find yourself a hobby . Drawing, embroidery, growing indoor plants, photography or writing - it can be anything. Make it a habit to do what you love regularly and not be tormented by the feeling of guilt that you are “not doing something useful.” If you feel joy and elation, then this is a useful thing.
Learn to say “no” to anyone who expects you to do something you don’t want to do. This skill will help you build personal boundaries and free up time for yourself.
Plan your day. Try not to take on tasks that other people can handle perfectly. Your spouse is able to wash the dishes, and your child is able to clean his room.

Many people believe that the desire to live for oneself is selfishness. But life is given once, and only the person himself knows what the concept of “happiness” means to him. And if you are happy, you will not only be able to serve those around you, but you will also make them happy and inspire them to achieve achievements.

Read here: “comfortable woman” - who is she?

Choosing a vocation

For those representatives of society who are alien to the foundations and beliefs that someone once built regarding the correct and rational formation of their own path, a life spent in the gray walls of an office doing an unloved job is unlikely to bring happiness. After all, in the end, each person lives only his own life. And on his deathbed he will not have the opportunity to reproach those who dissuaded him long ago from following his dreams.

Even if you need to devote most of your time to a job you don’t like, it’s worth finding time for a hobby. Those people who are passionate about something that interests them always become better, even if only in their own eyes. They know how to live for themselves, and they do not need to be taught this. After all, a pleasant thing brings them joy - which means they know how to get a feeling of satisfaction in other areas of life, not only in the area of hobbies or work.

To learn to live for the sake of your interests, you need to have a desire and try to bring your dreams to life in practice. Over time, healthy selfishness will become a habit, and it will no longer be so difficult to follow your principles and make your life enjoyable.

Simple questions to yourself

How can you stop living for others? First of all, do some self-reflection and consider the following questions:

what activities bring me pleasure;
what today (last week or month) was intended to please yourself;
how often do I give up my interests or joy to please other people;
what lifestyle do I consider ideal for myself?
what goals do I want to achieve in the next year , in the next 5-10 years.

The answers will help you assess the degree to which you are distracted from your own problems and hobbies for the benefit of others. The main thing is to answer honestly, even if the truth does not seem very pleasant.

Find out here 7 things that destroy a woman, and 5 qualities of a man who will not become a good husband.

Job, career or calling?

Elle was working on a startup when she felt she had come to a “crossroads.” There was a lot of work, but she devoted all her free time to drawing. Both worlds were equally interesting to her, but which to choose?

Elle once saw a speech by Stefan Sagmeister, a designer from New York, at the world famous TED conference, in which he showed the difference between work, career and calling.

Illustration from El Luna’s book “Between I Need and I Want” / MYTH Publishing House

El thought: what happened in her life? She realized that she wanted a job that was both a career and a calling. After launching the startup, she wrote a letter of resignation and devoted herself entirely to drawing.

What else is there in your life? Jobs, careers or vocations?

The writer Thomas Eliot worked in a bank. Kurt Vonnegut sold cars. One of the greatest composers of our time, Philip Glass, began to earn money from his calling only at the age of 41. His works premiered at the Metropolitan Opera, and he continued to work as a plumber.

Any work deserves respect. If you work just to pay the bills, that's not a bad thing. And just because you want to find your calling doesn’t mean you need to quit your job. There is no contradiction here.

But it’s important to think: what are you doing now?

How to follow the path of “I want”?

What if we don't know what we like and what we want? Play with your dreams.

Every time you have a desire (or dream) in your head, write it down on a sticky note and stick it anywhere. Your desires can be strange, grandiose, useful or stupid. The main thing is to catch them and write them down. This way you will more often hear what your heart wants. What will sound more often and louder is you.

Illustration from El Luna’s book “Between I Need and I Want” / MYTH Publishing House

Two obituaries

Imagine that you have grown old, died and are written about in the newspaper. What will be written there if your life goes the way it does? Write down everything you think of. Do you like it?

Now write the kind of obituary you would like for yourself. What would your life be like? Who would you be? A caring mother, a hero of the country, a great inventor, or all three? Don't be shy about your dreams.

Compare these two obituaries and think about what you need to change in your life for the second one to become a reality.