Showdown is an integral part of any social and personal interaction. The fact is that sometimes it really becomes difficult for people to understand each other. Everyone wants to defend their own interests and, most often, without sacrificing anything. In the process of living together, people often accumulate mutual claims, which are not always expressed in a timely manner. You need to have a lot of patience so as not to say hurtful words to your family and friends. After all, it is so easy to do stupid things that will lead to very sad and unexpected consequences. What is a showdown if not the need to find the truth?
However, few people understand that they need to look for it correctly, and not just scatter negative energy everywhere. The ability to control yourself will come in handy always and everywhere. It is necessary to exercise a certain degree of wisdom and patience so as not to say too much.
Sense of tact
Respect for your interlocutor is not at all a sign of weakness, as many may think. A timely sense of tact will help to “resolve” even the most hopeless situation. You should not consider your opponent incapable of understanding anything. If you pay careful attention to what they tell you, you will help yourself. Any conflict, if it drags on for one reason or another, harms mental health, aggravates chronic illnesses, and reveals the negative sides of the personality. At least for a short moment, try to get out of the argument and relieve the accumulated irritation. Listen to what they are trying to convey to you, and you will understand a lot.
How to talk correctly to strengthen relationships
Remember when you first met your beloved man, you couldn’t talk to him? But time passes, and you begin to communicate mainly only about everyday topics - who will pick up the child from kindergarten, who will pay utility bills, where the family will spend the weekend. Interest in your partner gradually disappears. The longer a couple is together, the less they talk. together.
Communication makes it possible to feel connected to your loved one and recharge with positive energy.
How to start having heart-to-heart conversations on different topics and with the same interest as at the very beginning of a relationship?
- Make time to talk. If, after returning from work and having dinner, the first thing you do is turn on the TV or computer or immerse yourself in your smartphone, then the likelihood that you will switch to your loved one is very small. Set aside just 20–30 minutes for communication. Talk about how your day went, how things are going at work, how he is feeling
- Get your partner interested. Start the conversation with a topic that interests him. This may be the key to trusting communication.
- Listen carefully to your partner. During a call, to save time, you can wash dishes or wipe dust. Yes, you can multitask, but for your significant other this means a lack of interest in what he is talking about and he will stop talking.
Recommendations and methods
Many people think about this question: “What can be found out during a showdown?” Isn't all this fuss senseless and devoid of any logic? Maybe quarrels and scandals should be avoided in principle so as not to spoil interpersonal connections? Do you need to constantly give in or strive at all costs to prove that you are right? And yet, how to sort things out correctly? What should you strive for in order to try to offend your interlocutor as little as possible?
Why do the majority lose their temper and cannot resist insulting their opponent? Let's take a closer look at effective recommendations and methods. They are worth paying attention to, especially if you are not a fan of conflicts and prefer to resolve issues in a constructive way.
Be careful with the future
I'll be completely honest with you. Go back to point three and never ask a man stupid questions. Especially about your future together. “When will we get married?”, “When will I come to you?”, “How many children do you want?”... No joke - they are stressful and generally confuse a man.
Keep your finger on the pulse and observe a man's behavior, his attitude towards you, his actions. They always speak for themselves.
If he refuses to have a serious relationship or conversation on this topic because he is confused, he is going through a difficult period in his life, etc., there is only one option. He's a beggar. You need to run away from him.
A decent man may also have problems and difficulties, but he will always let you know that he wants to be there and cares about your couple as a whole.
Striving for Understanding
This is perhaps the most important and valuable recommendation. Unfortunately, many people neglect it because they do not know how to curb their own difficult character. Striving for understanding can help save any relationship, even if it is on the brink of disaster. Believe that your interlocutor also wants to be heard and hopes that his personal interests will be taken into account. This is why you should not try to think only about yourself. At the moment of clarification of relations, it is quite difficult to distinguish between claims.
After all, you want to express everything that has accumulated at once, and at the same time not think about the consequences at all. But if you want to come to the truth as painlessly as possible, you need to act much more carefully. In fact, delicacy in such a matter will not hurt at all. Before expressing accumulated complaints, try to understand your interlocutor. What worries him, what problems haunt him, what does this person strive for? Perhaps, thanks to your delicacy, you will be able to help him, and there will be no need to bring in the “heavy artillery.”
Who is offering to sit down at the negotiating table?
The fact of who exactly is proposing to sort things out can say a lot about relationships in a married couple.
Option 1:
The initiator of negotiations is not a brawler, not a bore, but the most concerned about the happiness and well-being of the family member. It is he (she) who is more interested in her fate.
Option 2:
Behind the attempt to sort out the relationship sometimes lies the internal desire of the initiator of negotiations to quickly free himself from a connection that does not satisfy him. Disassembly is a means to bring the moment of rupture closer. Perhaps provoke him and even look abandoned and offended.
It is quite simple to determine the true motives: if the initiator of negotiations tries to conduct them constructively, it means that he is determined to maintain the relationship, and if he stubbornly reduces everything to a scandal and indiscriminately blames only his partner for everything, perhaps he feels that he does not need the relationship.
Clear boundaries
Showdowns should not turn into a real battlefield. You need to learn to indicate your position as specifically as possible in order to avoid any ambiguity. Otherwise, you will definitely remain guilty of something. You need to try not to deviate from the main topic and avoid getting too personal. Clearly setting boundaries will help reduce the severity of the conflict and ultimately resolve it faster.
The more prudence shown in these moments, the better. You should not throw out your irritation just because you have accumulated it. Show tolerance, respect, try to understand your interlocutor, find some significant points of contact.
Always appreciate your man
And, of course, in order to be able to get out of any conflict with a man correctly, you must, first of all, be able to appreciate and love your man. No matter how much you quarrel, remember how much good and important he did for you and your family. Try to remember the positive moments of your family life, this will help smooth out all the rough edges and misunderstandings during a conflict.
Married couples who have been married for several decades often cite respect for each other, the ability to listen, and compromise among the characteristics of their relationships. By learning to sort things out with a man correctly, you will preserve peace and love in the family, and possibly the family itself.
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Presenting your requirements
As a rule, an open quarrel breaks out at the moment when opponents are unable to contain the accumulated negative emotions. It's actually better not to let it get to that point. It is necessary to set your demands within reasonable limits so as not to further offend your interlocutor. At the same time, the words should sound quite convincing and bold.
You can’t adapt to someone else’s opinion in everything, just as it’s wrong to stick to your line, no matter what. Requirements must be stated softly and at the same time quite firmly. You must clearly understand what you want to achieve as a result, what you are willing to sacrifice, and what points you should fundamentally defend to the end.
Thus, sorting things out is an art. You need to learn not just to express your point of view, but also to listen to someone else’s position and respond adequately to what is happening. It is quite possible that, following simple recommendations, people will even be able to come to an agreement, find a common language, and find additional points of contact. In order not to later regret the words spoken out loud, be sure to mentally think through everything that you are going to voice. This will save you from escalating the conflict.
What to do if you can’t resolve the conflict
In an ideal world, parties to a conflict respect each other's needs, control their emotions, and find a joint solution to the problem. In reality, there is a possibility that the conversation will not work out, the conflict will not be resolved the first time or at all. Evgeny Ilyin in his book “Psychology of Communication and Interpersonal Relations” identifies three unfavorable outcomes of a conflict situation: avoidance of conflict, confrontation and coercion. Below we will look at what you can do for each of them.
When the other person leaves the conversation
Obviously, you should not start a dialogue if a person is sick, experiencing strong emotions (anger, resentment, sadness) or is busy. However, it should be remembered that the interlocutor may hide behind excuses to avoid discussing the problem.
Be persistent and agree on specific deadlines
— Oleg, I value our relationship very much. It upsets me that lately we often quarrel over cleaning. Can we discuss this problem now?
- I'm watching football, come on later.
Bad: “You don’t care about our relationship!”
Good: “When does the match end? Can we talk after this?”
Ask why the other person is avoiding conversation
Ask or guess. Perhaps he is uncomfortable discussing certain topics due to his upbringing (for example, sex) or due to past negative experiences. It is important to maintain a safe atmosphere: do not put pressure, do not blame, do not criticize.
- Oleg, I noticed that you are uncomfortable discussing cleaning. You may think that I will criticize you, but I just want to calmly discuss the problem and find a joint solution.
Explain that it is important to discuss the problem now
Otherwise, in the future, negative emotions will accumulate like a snowball.
— Oleg, lately we often quarrel over cleaning. The longer the problem exists, the more the quality of our relationships suffers: irritation and mutual grievances accumulate. Let's talk.
Repeatedly avoiding dialogue without good reason may demonstrate the other person's indifference to your needs. Consider whether you are willing to continue a relationship in which the other party is not interested.
When you can't reach an agreement
You and your interlocutor are unable to find a common solution: everyone insists on their own point of view. When all reasonable arguments are used, grievances, insults, claims are used - the dialogue develops into a scandal.
Set the rules
They will help you stay within the bounds of a constructive conversation. For example, use only “I statements”: instead of reproaches and accusations, talk about your own thoughts and emotions that arose in response to the current situation.
Bad: “Oleg, you are lazy. Instead of helping me with cleaning, you watch TV for hours. You treat me like an unpaid servant."
Good: “Oleg, I think it’s unfair the way household responsibilities are now distributed. It upsets me that I do a lot of things alone: I cook, wash dishes, clean the apartment on weekends. Because of this, I have little time for rest and favorite activities. I want to redistribute responsibilities."
Invite a moderator
An impartial third party will help guide the dialogue in a peaceful direction and find a joint solution. The moderator can be a family psychologist, a colleague from a neighboring department, or a mutual friend - the main thing is that the person is not interested in the conflict.
When an opponent imposes his terms
Sometimes the interlocutor tries to impose his point of view at any cost, even if this threatens to worsen or break the relationship. He puts forward the conditions “be patient or leave”, “obey or wait for the consequences”: “Irina, I believe that a woman should do the cleaning, so on principle I will not help. If you are not satisfied with this situation, live with your mother,” “Oleg, if you don’t help me around the house, I will divorce you.”
Coercion is the least favorable outcome of a conflict: the participant demonstrates disrespect for your needs and intolerance of other people's views.
Explain to your interlocutor that such categoricalness is inappropriate: with joint efforts, you can find a solution that will suit everyone. If the interlocutor continues to insist on an outcome that is convenient only for him, think about whether you need an unequal relationship, where you constantly have to endure and give in.
Features of national scandals
Clarification of relations is akin to diplomatic negotiations. This is a whole philosophy, so the style of carrying out such a procedure is also influenced by the spouses’ belonging to a certain cultural and historical environment. The contrast between West and East also manifests itself in interpersonal relationships. Westerners will try to resolve conflict or confusion through conversation. People close to the east would rather not interfere in the course of events, wait for some time, and if they discuss the situation, it will be when it becomes a thing of the past and loses its emotional charge.
Larisa Jansonene Consultant – Varvara Sidorova, family psychotherapist, course leader at the Institute of Practical Psychology and Psychoanalysis Article from the magazine
Get rid of stereotypes
First of all, get out of your head what man-haters, feminists and simply stupid women have hammered into you. They often like to give idiotic advice, peppering it with hackneyed phrases, and they themselves consider their “mix” to be worldly wisdom.
"A woman is always right"
But no wonder, not always! A woman is more emotional in her thinking; she is not always able to logically calculate the situation. Sometimes it’s not even her fault - it’s just that her physiology depends on the release of tarragon in certain phases. You can read about this in the article Who is smarter - men or women.
So how can a woman in hysterics be right if she started a scandal out of nowhere? How can you carry out her decree if it is just her capricious whim? If the whole world lived by this rule, it would have collapsed long ago.
“A man always owes a woman”
No, you shouldn't! A man owes his elderly and infirm parents, he owes his desired children until they grow up - this is a fact. But in a relationship with a woman, especially one to whom he promised nothing, he owes nothing.
“I got married, you have to provide, but I’m a woman, I don’t have to work - I’m cooking borscht for you!” So what kind of merit is this? The wife also eats this borscht that she cooks, and not only the husband eats it.
And such women’s requests are not only about providing:
- must obey my wife
- must respect mother-in-law
- must tolerate a capricious character.
And then a blow to male pride: “You’re a man!” Strong in spirit and body! So prove it!”
It is impossible to achieve anything with impudence and arrogance. The words “must” and “obliged” make a man want to run away from a woman. But there is a completely different approach to a man when he, of his own free will, wants to do something for his beloved. You can learn about this method in the article How to become a weak woman in the eyes of a man.
It will also be useful: What to do if a man does not want to live together
“Deny a man sex if he’s guilty”
“This is all men need” - such a phrase can be exhibited in a museum of antiquities, carving words on a stone tablet. This rule at lunch is a hundred years old, and in our modern world it is no longer relevant.
“This” is necessary primarily for women. Both for emotional release and for physical health. But there are still ladies who follow this advice from old maids, but in essence, who are they punishing? Themselves!
I came up with a punishment - be patient! But will your beloved endure this injustice? A couple of such punishments and the beloved man will turn left, where they do not punish. Or maybe it will remain there forever.
It will also be useful: Should you forgive a guy for cheating?
Distinguishing levels
Many people perceive relationships as complicated and nebulous, and attempts to resolve relationship-related problems are often unsuccessful. To overcome all these difficulties, it is advisable to understand how human relationships work.
First of all, relationships are not something homogeneous; different levels can be distinguished in them. The fact that relationships are multi-layered can be found mentioned, for example, in the ancient Indian treatise “The Peach Branch”. There is this saying:
The attraction of the mind generates respect,
The attraction of the soul generates tenderness,
The attraction of bodies gives rise to desire.
This saying is interesting because it suggests: every person can love on three levels - body, mind and soul.
There are many studies devoted to the identification, justification and description of various levels of relationships. For my theoretical concept of identifying levels of relationships, I will use the ideas of Igor Kalinauskas, who believes that in a person as a whole three main parts can be distinguished - body, consciousness and the emotional sphere (soul). Based on these components, he identifies for further consideration such concepts as “individuality”, “personality” and “essence”. The basic instrument of personality is consciousness, essence is the emotional sphere, and individuality is body. Accordingly, we can build relationships with another person at the personal level, communicate with his essence, have contact with his individuality. I have conventionally designated these levels as social, emotional and sexual. Each level is associated with the satisfaction of different basic needs. Social needs are related to a person’s position in society and his joint activities with other people; emotional needs are associated with a deep need for emotional contact; The instinct of reproduction is the basis of sexual needs.
Thus, any combination of human relationships is possible depending on what they are based on
At the same time, it is important to know the corollary of the first rule: we can enter into different levels of relationships with different people and have several levels of relationships with one person
