What is a dominant and a submissive in BDSM, the relationship between them

In her iconic novel Gone with the Wind, Margaret Mitchell wrote: “Strong men are called to command, and weak men are called to obey.” Of course, then the role was not about sexual practices, but this idea became key to classifying people into dominant and submissive ones in relationships. In BDSM practice they are called dominant and submissive. Each has its own psychological characteristics and certain roles in intimate and everyday life.

Division into dominant and submissive

In BDSM, all participants are divided into submissive (top) and submissive (bottom). This is their orientation. There are people who combine the ability to be both. They are called switches. Most men and women can occupy both roles, alternating and having an interesting experience. They will simply perform worse in one of the roles than the other. We have collected everything you need to know about dominance and submission in the article at the link.

In personal life, there are problems between people who have the same temperament. For example, when both are not ready to submit or make concessions. The same is true in BDSM - a dominant cannot get along with a dominant, just like two submissives. Therefore, each participant is looking for an ideal pair of compatibility.

To understand which role is more suitable, a person must listen to his inner voice. It happens that men who have to command and control actually dream of complete submission to the “mistress”. You can also try to try on the role of both, and then decide in which case the person was more comfortable.

According to data obtained on the basis of the works of Deryagin G.B. (teacher of criminal sexology) and the book of American authors “Sexual bondage: a review and unobtrusive investigation”, the roles are most often distributed as follows:

1. The role of dominant is chosen by 71% of straight men and only 11% of women.
2. 12% of gay men become dominant.

The remaining percentage are people who choose the subordinate role. Thus, dominance is more typical for heterosexual men.

Emotional investment of the parties

A more liberated person, ready for humiliation and radical influences on his body, is more suitable for the role of a sub. Less emotional and cold-blooded, confident in his actions - for the role of the top. A submissive is often a woman, but “mistress” is not uncommon among the fairer sex.

According to surveys among BDSM club members, in more than 40% of cases the practice is used in married couples, and just over 30% among lovers.

Regardless of the relationship status, emotional investment should be the basis of games between partners.

Details of the dominant role2

This is the name given to a participant in a BDSM relationship who is the leading partner during the game (session, “action”). He dominates the other, which is manifested in orders, punishment, as well as tying up, spanking and other actions towards his partner. The Dominant is also called Top, Top, Master or Dom.

A person can simply pretend to be like this, or he can actually have peculiarities of his moral and psychological state that make him a leader in life. In the second case, such a person needs a companion of a submissive type, with whom a close relationship will be most comfortable. A true dominant will not be attracted to types other than the submissive. Then he needs a permanent submissive partner. Dominance in BDSM is the only comfortable state for him in close relationships.

Levels of development

Femdom is a subtle concept. It is wrong to come to him quickly and spontaneously. Partners should prepare themselves, especially the man, since for him the image of a person who obeys may be unusual.

Elementary

Here a man is just learning to obey. He needs to learn to pretend to be a well-mannered person. He will always give a woman a seat, carry her bags, open doors for her. In this way, the man will gradually get used to doing everything to please the woman and satisfy her needs.

Higher

When a man goes through the initial stage and gets used to serving a woman, he becomes her personal slave. From that moment on, he listens to her in everything and unquestioningly follows all her instructions.

About the submissive3

This is the name given to a participant in a BDSM relationship who is a slave. That is, he completely submits to his partner, obeys his orders and accepts punishments and rewards, acting as the dominant partner tells him. Also called Bottom, Slave or Saba. If a person enjoys this, then he simply plays the role of a subordinate during the game. But there are also those who have such a character that makes them dependent on other people, their decisions and desires. Accordingly, they choose a partner of the dominant type.

Psychological motives sometimes provoke a person to become a submissive. For example, this is a great opportunity to get rid of the fear of losing your partner. The fear that he will leave for another, more socially successful or externally attractive person, combined with strong feelings, often pushes women to take such a step. After all, BDSM is something that gives the Dominant almost unlimited opportunities, a kind of “exclusive”. The submissive will not have to conform to others, as he is already special.

Types of people

In society, a conditional division of its members into leaders and subordinates is accepted. Psychologists have identified types of characters, according to which one can determine how a person behaves in society:

• Alpha;
• Beta;
• Omega.

The first type includes the leader of the group, the dominant, who is not afraid to take initiative and responsibility, while withstanding competition with other alphas, defending his position. These people are characterized as selfish and willful, aggressive and assertive, intolerant of disagreement and defending their point of view. Leaders of society are able to quickly navigate and adjust to changing circumstances, making smart decisions. Very few people have these qualities.

Beta people, by virtue of their nature, do not strive to take a leadership position, but due to circumstances they will be able to temporarily lead a social group. In other conditions, such individuals may be subordinate to stronger dominants or rise to the level of omega type.

Omega-type members of society are passive enough to even think about the position of a dominant. They do not strive for leadership and competition, preferring a calm, worry-free, simple plant life. Life in unquestioning submission to leaders is their norm. And any society of each state overwhelmingly consists of omega-type people, for whom no fish is a toad - a nightingale.

It is interesting that the same person can, in different situations or social units, simultaneously represent all hierarchical levels. For example, the head of the family, as a rule, is the dominant figure for the household. But he can also be a beta type among friends, and in the workplace exist as a “gray” average omega.

Relationships between Upper and Lower4

When a submissive and a dominant meet and mutual sympathy arises between them, such a couple is called a thematic couple. The relationship between them takes on a 24-hour format. That is, they constantly live in such a way that one dominates and the other submits. In the BDSM community this phenomenon is called “lifestyle”. It is much less common than just sexual games of Mistress and Slave in BDSM.

“Ordinary” relationships that do not have a BDSM color are called “Vanilla” in society.

Lifestyle is characterized by drawing up a special agreement between the parties.

Contract between dominant and submissive5

This is a classic element of BDSM relationships between a Top and a Bottom. Even though there may be love, devotion and deep emotional involvement between them, the ritual of making a pact is still present.

A contract is a document consisting of several sheets. Of course, it has no legal force; these are the couple’s personal records. It spells out all the rules of relationships between partners, not only of a sexual nature, but also of a simple “everyday” nature. By signing this agreement, Saba gives herself into “slavery” to the House. The person at the top cannot force him to sign it; the document must be discussed in advance and, if possible, corrected, and then both participants put their signatures.

Why is this paper needed? Firstly, it is a special symbol of the connection between partners. As long as this agreement exists, their relationship is valid. Secondly, clearly defined rights and responsibilities of participants facilitate communication between them and prevent conflict situations. Thirdly, it spells out everything that the submissive is ready to do if the dominant wants it (punishment, practice). The rest is “taboo”. Thus, the document is a kind of security factor for Nizhny. And lastly, the agreement maintains trust between partners if both parties clearly adhere to its rules.

A lot about the agreement is told in the first part of the book and film “50 Shades of Gray”. The main character Anastasia Still had the opportunity to familiarize herself with the document before she entered into a BDSM relationship with Christian Gray.

What characterizes this behavior: psychology

A couple of centuries ago, the famous German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche suggested that the will to power occupies a central place in human nature. Decades later, during the scientific study of psychology and a series of experiments, his theory was partly confirmed.

Many psychologists agree that among the main motivating motives of a person one can distinguish the instinct of self-preservation (survival), sexual instinct (reproduction) and rank. The latter is identical to the public understanding of dominance.

It is thanks to this instinct that every person wants to rise above others and receive a high social status. At the same time, everyone chooses for himself a certain area in which he will dominate and stand out from the rest.

Ideally, to achieve a high position in the hierarchy, a person devotes all his efforts to professional development.

Mastery of a certain craft serves as a source of income, status and, as you move up the career ladder, significantly increases self-esteem .

It is important to understand that in each person the ranking instinct is expressed individually – for some it is higher, for others it is almost not expressed. In addition, there is the so-called ranking potential, these are the abilities and qualities of a person .

In simple terms, instinct is the desire to take a high place in the hierarchy. And potential – real abilities and opportunities, qualities thanks to which this can be done.

If there are no such abilities, then a person, no matter how strong the desire to become the main one, will not succeed. These qualities include:

1. Self-sufficiency . Love of freedom, making your own decisions, independent of others.
2. Persistence . Sometimes – elevated to the absolute, even to the point of stubbornness.
3. Self-esteem . It is expressed in reasonable selfishness, taking care of yourself, your health. In blocking attacks on your authority in the team.
4. Determination . Perseverance in achieving goals, the ability to mobilize strength.
5. Organizational skills. They are expressed in the ability and desire to create a group of people united by a common goal (most often the goal is proposed by the leader himself).
6. Strategic Thinking .
   Leader – always an experienced tactician and strategist. He calculates his actions, as well as the actions of the team, many moves ahead. Any power is associated with planning and responsibility for subordinates. Without foresight and the ability to see trends, work will be doomed to failure.
7. Non-conformism. For those with a quick temper, it takes on a feigned form. A person not only refuses to follow fashion trends, but also openly criticizes what he does not like.
8. Responsibility for the team . The leader is always responsible for the actions of the performers if they follow the instructions given to them. If the course he has chosen turns out to be ineffective, he himself will be the first to be dealt with. He also defends the interests of his people and helps them in difficult situations. Able to motivate, encourage, and evoke the emotions and mood needed for a particular situation.
9. Persistence . When moving up, it is very important to be able to take the blow. Sometimes it is this quality that helps a leader out – after a loss, he not only gets up, taking the spirit, but also doubles his efforts to achieve the desired goal. In general, such people tolerate stress more easily and recover from despondency more quickly.
10. The ability to say “no” . It comes from independent thinking. A person feels very well when they are trying to impose other people’s interests or unfavorable rules of the game on him. He can put someone else in their place in time and will not allow them to cross boundaries in communication. At the same time, he does not feel guilty when refusing a request – this implies the point below.
11. Ruthlessness .
    For choleric people, it can reach an extreme point when “humanity” is lost. Lack of guilt is a dangerous quality if it is too pronounced. In this case, it will make the leader insensitive, cold, and can spoil relationships with others. Companions and like-minded people may turn away or go to competitors. Therefore, balance is necessary. In general, it is difficult to “make” the owner of this quality “guilty” or make him feel pity, melancholy, nostalgia – the person is firm in his intentions, actions, feelings and is in no hurry to open up emotionally to others.

Attributes in games between a dominant and a submissive6

During “sessions,” the dominant and submissive use special accessories that allow one partner to increase their influence on the other. The most popular types of sensory deprivation (limitation or deprivation of external input to the senses) are gags, masks and blindfolds. Dominants use devices for spanking, which are divided into:

• Hard ones – paddle or “spankers”;
• Flexible, such as a stack or rod;
• Movable - whip, whip or flogger.

Fixation and bondage are provided in a variety of ways - from the usual handcuffs and collars, to large installations and spacers. Bondage can be made of ropes, chains and belts. It ensures complete immobility of the partner. Used on a submissive.

Interesting: According to Russian marketers, after the premiere of the already mentioned film “50 Shades of Gray” in Russia, sales of accessories one way or another related to BDSM practice increased by 20%.

Sex toys are also widely used: nipple clamps, anal plugs, vaginal balls, feathers, etc.

Everything for lovers of light BDSM is collected in our article.

Safety precautions7

During the “action”, responsibility for the health and life of the partner lies with the Upper One. But it is worth noting that Nizhny must determine in advance the acceptable limits of possible impacts in order to protect himself. Subsequently, these frameworks may change, but only with the consent of the submissive.

Also, during a BDSM session, “safe words” are used. This can be any word that the Saba uses to notify the Top to stop (or relax, if so agreed upon in advance) the BDSM activities. The dominant, in response to the safe word, must stop immediately. If the session takes place without such notifications, then the House bears even greater responsibility.

If you use equipment and practice incorrectly, you can cause injuries. Since it is the Top Partner who leads the process, he has the full degree of control over the situation. He must understand (at least at a minimal level) anatomical features and have some medical knowledge (first aid). When using devices, the partner must follow the safety rules specified by the manufacturer in the instructions. He needs to be attentive to his partner, careful.

In addition, if one of the “BDSM toys” or practices is used (for example, smothering), the Dom must have experience using it and understand the strength of its impact.

Safety regulations

Before you start playing, you need to find out if your partner has any health problems. In this practice, the woman has a great responsibility. She must be careful not to go too far with a man.

Partner's consent

BDSM is a direction in which partners must find mutual understanding. A woman cannot just start humiliating a man, this will be regarded as violence. Both parties must come to an agreement and discuss all the details in advance.

No unnecessary cruelty

The dominant woman must gain power not through cruelty, but through the ability to create the appropriate mood. Her voice should be so powerful that the man doesn’t even have the thought of trying to object. She cannot show pity, she must act clearly. Moreover, if she went too far with harshness, the man can always say a safe word so that the mistress will stop.

BDSM relationship statistics8

A recent study conducted by Times and Cosmopolitan magazines together with specialists from European universities showed that about 30% of adults in Western countries have a craving for BDSM. At the same time, they are latent fans of the practice, that is, they hide it from others.

A study was also conducted among community participants in the United States. It was organized in 2000 by psychologist Gloria Brame, who is a specialist in the field of BDSM psychology. More than 7,000 people took part in the survey.

As it turned out, among the participants there were most people aged from 26 to 40 children (47%). Many of them had tried to leave the community (36%), while 32% said they had never thought about it. Most often, such relationships are built between spouses (41% of respondents) and lovers (35% of respondents). The remaining percentage was distributed among virtual partners and friends. 2% of respondents practice thematic relationships with prostitutes.

Popularity of femdom

Femdom is a common concept. It is found in the genre of erotic photography, fine arts, cinema and literature.

In literature

No matter how strange it may sound, femdom was popular in the works of the classics. Vivid examples:

• "Black Obelisk", Erich Maria Remarque;
• Venus in Furs, Leopold von Sacher-Masoch;
• "The Happy Prostitute" by Xaviera Hollander.

Contemporaries also do not ignore the topic of female dominance in their works. For example, it can be clearly seen in “Role Plays in Adulthood” by Andrei Gusev.

In anime

Sexuality in anime is often sanctified. There are also stories where femdom meets. Among them:

• xxxHOLiC;
• Kaibutsu Oujo;
• Zero no Tsukaima;
• MM!;
• Prison School.

This direction has quite a lot of fans.

In porn

BDSM is a popular section in pornography. Femdom is also an integral part of it. Someone is watching how a mistress humiliates her slave because she cannot afford it with her partner in real life. Someone watches and learns new tricks in this craft.

Tendency to dominate9

In “vanilla” relationships, there is also a tendency for one of the partners to take a dominant position. No matter how hard people try to seek compromises and achieve equality, more often there are couples where one partner (consciously or not) serves as the leader, and the other as the follower.

The distribution depends on certain characteristics in the couple. Each person is an individual, but dominant companions have several qualities that make them that way. Read interesting facts about male dominance at the link.

They depend less on relationships10

This can be either an emotional attachment to a partner or a material one. Men, in most cases, earn more, and women depend on him in this regard. If a lady loves her partner more than he loves her, then she is ready to do anything for him, and accepts the role of a “submissive,” stepping over herself in the name of love. She cannot dominate, because what is more important to her is how her partner feels, and not herself. Men also take this role, but less often.

Male dominance

Frankly speaking, a man’s dominance in a relationship, his dominance, is the most understandable, most common and correct position. Throughout the existence of civilization, in the upbringing of boys, in addition to studying various sciences and acquiring the necessary skills, great importance has been given to acquiring leadership qualities. With the simultaneous ability to bear responsibility for his decisions, which he made for the entire family.

This is a patriarchal, pragmatic and established model of the existence of the family as an important unit of society.

In the post-war period, when there was an acute shortage of physically capable men, women were forced to become the dominant part of society. But in our time, we still need to give the main positions to the stronger sex again.