Strategies for behavior in conflict - what methods exist

In everyday life, it is difficult to avoid conflict situations; they can appear at home or in the work team. Each person has his own character and temperament, some find it easier to make concessions, others will defend their point of view to the last. To avoid unpleasant situations and showdowns, you need to know how to behave with different people.

Two men at work

Types of behavior strategies in conflicts

The issue is studied by the sciences of social science and the discipline of conflictology. There are more than 100 meanings of the term “conflict”, some of them contradict each other. In general, we can say that conflict is an expression of discontent and contradictions that arise as a result of a difference of opinion.

Today, one of the most famous and widely used in conflict resolution is the work of Thomas-Killman. According to the concept, there are the following strategies for behavior in conflict:

1. rivalry;
2. compromise;
3. device;
4. cooperation;
5. evasion.

Rivalry

Rivalry is an attempt to impose your point of view and desired result on the opposite side. Personal interests come first, without taking into account the opinions of the opponent. This manner of behavior can only be used by people who have some power and advantage.

Note! According to the results of the Kenneth Thomas test, in more than 65% of cases people choose the principle of competition, and not always consciously.

Compromise

Compromise is behavior in conflict that involves resolving the dispute. Those in conflict are ready to partially renounce their beliefs in order to make a decision that equally satisfies both parties. By using this method, everyone loses something. The strategy makes sense when opponents have a common goal, the result of which is not divided in half, for example, the desire of 2 buyers to pick up the last product.

Found a compromise

Device

Accommodation is behavior in conflict that involves working together to solve a problem. Each puts his personal interests above the interests of his opponent, but one of the parties temporarily agrees with the opponent’s point of view in order to later receive concessions from him. Psychologists say that accommodation is often the main way to resolve disputes.

Cooperation

Cooperation is behavior in conflict where both parties find a joint solution that transforms enemies into partners. The main characteristic of cooperation is that the search for solutions must always satisfy both. This strategy can be used as an example of behavior with business partners.

Important! The cause of the conflict determines how appropriate it is to use a cooperative strategy. If the result is vital for one of the parties involved in the conflict, cooperation is impossible. Any attempts at interaction will develop into struggle or rivalry.

Evasion

Often the strategy is used when the conflict does not affect the interests of one or more parties. There are situations when they try to involve a third party in a dispute between two people, then avoidance can illustrate the person’s reluctance to enter into conflict.

Other Behavior Styles

In addition to the 5 common Thomas-Killman strategies, in psychology there are 2 more options for the development of events:

1. Suppression. It is permissible to use when the situation becomes aggressive and threatens human life or health. Suppression may be initiated by one of the parties or come from a third party. For example, when students argue in class, the third party is the teacher who suppresses the conflict;
2. Negotiation. They can take different forms: from family to state. The main function of negotiations is to reduce aggression and approach the problem rationally. All parties agree on further actions on mutually beneficial terms. As a result of negotiations, a transition to strategies of cooperation or compromise is possible.

At the negotiating table

Family conflicts and ways to resolve them

As we have already discussed in one of the articles, conflicts in a family arise at different stages of its life cycle. Based on the above typology, conflicts in the family can be divided into two general groups:

• constructive - as a result of the resolution of which the parties feel full or partial satisfaction of their needs, interests, goals;
• destructive, the result of which is divorce.

Conflicts in the family and ways to resolve them depend on the desire of the parties to interact and reach a common goal. Let's consider which of the methods are applicable to family relationships:

• competition or confrontation - consists of fighting the obvious loss of one of the parties;
• avoidance - avoiding conflict, maintaining neutrality;
• cooperation is a win for all conflicting parties;
• concession – agreement with the conflict participant, reconciliation;
• compromise is the minimum acceptable solution for opponents.

These are ways to resolve conflicts from a psychological point of view. You can read how they are implemented in practice here.

Choosing the right strategy

Methods for resolving conflicts - what options exist, ways to prevent them

In a conflict situation, individual behavioral strategies produce different results. The choice of manner of action depends on the situation and the personal qualities of the person.

Rivalry

Suitable for:

• When a person has authority, authority, or advantage over an opponent;
• In the case of a built hierarchy of conflicting ones. For example, when one side of the dispute is the boss. Rivalry occurs when there is a younger and an older child in a family;
• In critical situations, when a person has nothing to lose and has no other option but to compete.

Compromise

In what situations is it reasonable to use:

• The desire of one of the conflicting parties is superficial. A person will not suffer much if he does not get what he wants;
• When a decision allows you to at least partially get what you want, at a time when competition can leave you with nothing. According to this principle, parents compromise with the child;
• If all parties to the conflict have equal powers;
• When there is not enough time to develop another strategy. May be a temporary solution until the next negotiations.

Device

Which situations are suitable for:

• When the goal is to establish calm, bring relationships back to normal;
• In family quarrels, when a good attitude is more important than defending your opinion;
• One of the conflicting parties is confident that he is right and understands that he will not suffer if he gives in;
• One side does not have the opportunity to win the dispute. For example, a schoolchild or student cannot conflict with a teacher.

Cooperation

In what situations does it work:

• When every point of view is important, but there is no way to find a compromise;
• If both parties are committed to working together and are ready to listen to each other;
• The parties to the conflict are relatives, friends, business partners who depend on each other.

Evasion

The strategy is used when:

• One side of the conflict considers the cause of the quarrel insignificant;
• A person knows for sure that he cannot win an argument;
• The person in conflict does not have enough authority to defend his position;
• The person plans to stall for time to develop further tactics to gain victory;
• The dispute involves uneducated people, manipulators who can offend;
• One side understands that at the moment, disputes will worsen the situation.

Man swears

Avoiding problems is a property of our mind.

It may be difficult to write, so I will repeat it in a small example. Let's consider the situation of preparing students for exams. A smart strategy is to prepare gradually, a little each day, so that by the day of the exams you will have accumulated enough knowledge to pass them successfully.

But what do most students do? Just the opposite way. They do nothing, prepare little, start subjects, and then when the exam is just around the corner, they start preparing in a rush mode. As a result, nervous tension is formed, knowledge is difficult to remember, and then quickly forgotten.

This was a good example of avoiding problems, it is illogical, a person simply puts it off, avoids what needs to be worked on, worked on, thought, strained, and generally ignores any discomfort.

Just like students, many people behave similarly at work, they create rubble, which is then cleared at the cost of incredible efforts. One of my good friends was the head of a small department, the work was not difficult or voluminous if it was done daily. However, he had a different approach, he did almost nothing that needed to be done, but spent hours playing a toy on the computer, it was a “frog”, I don’t know whether they play it now or not, but then it was in the top office games games, another game is "plants vs zombies". The games were simple and stupid, but time flew by unnoticed; playing was clearly more interesting than working. But when the reporting period arrived, three months of tasks had to be completed in a few days, which resulted in a mixture of rush and deadline. Accordingly, it was not possible to manage everything and do the same with high quality.

According to the same scheme, many people have repairs that last for years. Health problems are also solved. There are people who put off going to the dentist until their teeth begin to hurt unbearably.

Or, for example, some people start going to the gym before the start of the summer season, and of course do not achieve the desired result because they started too late.

There is no logic in this behavior, except one: this is how our brain avoids suffering. This is his automatic reaction to discomfort and suffering. And any new action causes discomfort, even getting up from the couch is discomfort and the mind will prevent this in every possible way, but in the end you will overcome yourself. When it comes to more complex things, such as running in the morning, we often give up. And so a whole life strategy is built that organizes everything, the scale is simply enormous. We just don't realize it. And who thinks about the strategy of their life?

By avoiding problems, people prepare for anything, and don't think that it doesn't affect you. This approach to life, which is turned on automatically for everyone, will not lead to success and big money. Because you will always strive to do what is comfortable. Easy and effortless achievements are all you can get from this strategy.

The key to success is to do what you don’t like, what causes discomfort, this is the only way you can get more in life than you have. And if you do what you are comfortable with, then you will not get more than you have. Simple logic. It’s a paradox, but people don’t understand this or don’t want to understand.

In life, we often resort to the strategy of avoiding problems, whether it’s putting things in order or making an important call, avoidance becomes an ineradicable habit. Any action that needs to be performed is postponed until the need to perform it pushes us to the wall. And then we begin to do, overcoming discomfort under the threat of even greater discomfort.

However, there are some things that if you don’t do them you will never be driven to the wall. They will remain on the list of unfulfilled wishes. They say that before death a person regrets not what he did in life, but what he did not do and did not achieve. Therefore, questions of personal development and achievements remain

Even in our thinking, we use this strategy, we clearly avoid thinking about issues that require solutions, thinking about them is inconvenient, unpleasant, and therefore the mind is filled with repetitive thoughts that do not carry any solutions. And when the need arises and there is nowhere to go, then, as they say, by choice you have to think. Although everything could have been done in advance, putting it off until later is so easy and tempting and seems like the best option, I’ll deal with it later, we tell ourselves and calm down. And this illusion works great; self-deception always succeeds.

Advantages of passive and active strategies

How to manipulate people - can this be learned, methods of influence

Rivalry is a manifestation of activity. The main advantage is that a person can defend his point of view and achieve the desired result. When choosing this strategy, you need to be aware that relations with your opponent may deteriorate. Rivalry is appropriate in relations between management and subordinates, between employees, but not in family matters.

Compromise, accommodation, cooperation and avoidance are passive ways of behaving in interpersonal conflict. The main advantages are the ability to maintain human relationships and partially achieve the goal. The strategies are appropriate to use in business, among family and friends.

Freebies and avoiding problems.

Avoiding problems is also the reason why people fall into various scams. The prospect of not following the traditional path, of doing nothing, not straining, and getting what you want is very tempting. I call it a freebie.

When we are told that we can lose 20 kg using some miracle remedy or that we can invest money at 100% per month and receive passive income without worrying about anything. It is obvious that they want to cheat and the promised result is simply a trap. But the brain reacts, the opportunity to get everything and spend nothing is blinding. Therefore, a lot of people fall for all sorts of scams, buy all sorts of Chinese crap to solve their problems and end up disappointed.

Behavior in conflict at work

How to overcome fear and phobias yourself - ways to fight

Behavior in a situation that arises in the workplace directly depends on status and position. If superiors can command and suppress, for subordinates the chosen strategy may result in a reprimand or dismissal.

If disagreements in the workplace escalate into conflict, you need to take control of your emotions. The first thing to do is to evade, try not to get into arguments. The opponent can use provocations, the main thing is not to lose control of himself.

Man meditating

What to do if control over emotions is lost? As a reminder, you need to learn the rules of behavior in a conflict situation:

• Do not raise your voice at your opponent, even in response;
• Try to determine for yourself the cause of the conflict, the positions and goals of both parties;
• If there is no clear goal, the interlocutor tries to insult for no reason, the best option is to ignore the attacks;
• If there is a reason why a conflict broke out, it is necessary to seek a compromise. As a last resort, adapt and make concessions, especially for newcomers to the team;
• If a person feels that he is not ready to argue and prove his opinion, he should try to postpone the conversation.

Important! The main goal of the manipulator is to cause anger and negativity in order to realize himself at the expense of other people’s emotions. You can’t delve into what you hear, you need to let the information pass you by.

People achieve goals when they don't avoid problems.

People tend to solve problems only under the influence of serious external factors. There are situations in life when you just get screwed, and you sit there thinking, well, I’m screwed and okay, I’ll get out somehow. But this is if you are alone, and when you have a family, you will no longer talk like that, but will dig your nose into the ground to correct the situation. And all because an external factor in the form of family creates motivation, if this factor is absent, there is no motivation and avoidance of problems will turn on.

Let me give you one real example.

Not so long ago in the USA, a lady who a couple of years ago weighed no less than 120 kilograms won one of the beauty contests; I didn’t remember her name, but that doesn’t matter. Naturally, she lived in her comfort zone for a long time and did nothing to lose weight; she used the strategy of avoiding solving her problems with all her might.

She had one child and she was not allowed on the rides with him, this upset her, that is, it caused suffering, but the motivation was not enough to start changing herself.

Then she had a second child, but due to her excess weight, he had to undergo surgery and almost died. Naturally, this caused her great suffering and, under its influence, she decided to lose weight. She started doing fitness, changed her diet, and as a result, she lost 74 kilograms in two years and became like a top model.

Her example illustrates how our brain works; we will not begin to solve problems until we experience sufficient suffering from our inaction, which will be stronger than the discomfort we experience when solving problems and working on ourselves.

If you simply motivate yourself with the prospect of a positive result, this will cause a short-term impulse, then everything will return to normal. It’s similar to how many people start a new life on Monday, start somewhere at the end of the week, and when that same Monday comes, they put it off again until the next one. And all this can continue indefinitely until it stops.

Or as we say, a roasted rooster will not bite in one place. Such is the psychology.

Is it possible to avoid conflict?

It is not always possible to control your behavior in a serious conflict; this skill needs to be learned. Among those arguing, there must be at least 1 person who will try to avoid conflict. How to do it:

• Do not rush. Before expressing your opinion, you need to ask yourself questions: “Why are we arguing? Do I need this? What will I lose if I give in?”;
• Answer slowly and briefly. The faster a person speaks, the more likely he is to say too much. Measured speech will calm the opponent, after which you can try to find a compromise;
• Do not provoke with unnecessary phrases or inappropriate jokes. There is no need to touch a person if he is not in a good mood. It is better to set aside time after the lunch break to communicate with colleagues; communication can be tense in the first half of the day;
• To avoid conflict at work, you need to monitor your correspondence. Modern people often use messengers and social networks. You cannot write unnecessary things, show emotions, they can later be used by provocateurs;
• Limit communication with the provocateur. If a person provokes conflicts, you need to reduce communication with him to a minimum, do not cross paths after work or study, and do not be in public places in the same company.

A girl calms two people down

What strategy to use in a conflict is a personal decision for everyone. Depending on his position in society, point of view and ultimate goal, the person himself chooses the path of competition or seeks a compromise. If possible, it is better to avoid conflict situations, especially if they arise between close people.

How to determine that a situation is a conflict

The first step in resolving conflict collaboratively is to always identify it as a conflict. If a problem goes unnoticed for too long, it leaves the objective level and can only be resolved with outside help. This is not always possible, especially in personal matters. But how can a person even recognize a conflict and declare it?

Conflicts are very diverse and can take place at the rational factual level, emotional level or social relationship level. Although actual conflicts with differing interests can usually be quickly identified, social and emotional disputes often have deeper causes at the interpersonal level.

Typical signals of conflict include, for example:

• Heated discussions and debates among the participants.
• Claims and personal accusations.
• Open attacks on an emotional level.

• Lack of self-control.
• Discrediting one of the participants behind their back.
• Reluctance to make a quick compromise on both sides.

This can manifest itself through gestures and facial expressions, so it is important to be attentive to others. Such signals help determine that conflict is brewing and even prevent it.

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I-statements

This psychological technique allows you to mitigate or prevent conflict. The main principle is to shift the emphasis to your thoughts and emotions, and not point out your partner’s actions and mistakes. The term “I-statement” was introduced by American psychologist Thomas Gordon in his book “Training an Effective Parent.” Initially, the technique was used in working with teenagers, now adults actively use it among themselves in order to build a dialogue without confrontation.

In your statement, be sure to indicate the fact (not the emotion!) that unbalances you. Clarify what feelings you experience and what the consequences of the action under discussion are. Finally, explain what behavior/action/decision you think is acceptable.

Using the I statement, you can:

• state your position without diminishing the interests of your interlocutor;
• express your point of view truthfully;
• prevent manipulation and pressure from the interlocutor;
• give the opponent the right to choose;
• gently point out contradictions in the interlocutor’s position.

How to construct an I-statement

Source phrase	I-statement
Are you not listening to me again? Do you really care what I say?	I'm sorry that you ignore my words. After all, I say important things, they relate to compliance with laws. If you listen to me, we will have no disagreements with the labor inspectorate.
What you are proposing is unacceptable - it is a crime!	I don't like that you suggest breaking the law. Registration of junior technical personnel without employment contracts may threaten the company with a fine. Let me think about how we can competently draw up documents in the current situation, and tomorrow we will calmly discuss everything.
You're late again! How can? Is it really impossible to get up early and leave on time!	I'm unhappy with your tardiness. At the morning planning meeting, we summarize the results of the previous day, and without your information, the overall picture of the department’s work cannot be formed. Please plan your time so as not to let me and my colleagues down.

In I-statements, accusations, generalizations, labeling and, of course, insults are unacceptable. You should also not express your emotions in a rude manner (“I’m furious!”, “I’m shocked by your behavior!”), try to use neutral epithets.

The technique of I-statements requires some practice: it is not always possible to immediately calm down emotions, stop throwing accusations and switch to a constructive attitude. But if you master this technique, your interlocutor will not need to defend himself. I-statements invite him to dialogue, give him the opportunity, without losing his dignity, to express his opinion.

The strategy of “avoiding failures” - greetings from childhood

The other day I saw this picture in the lobby of a children's clinic. Mom dresses the baby. He tries to crawl off the table. Mom holds him and gently repeats the same thing to him: “You’ll fall, you’ll fall now. You’ll fall, you’ll fall now.”

There are indeed many dangers around our children: cars, knives, electrical appliances... Without using the strategy of “avoiding failures,” life would become dangerous. Let's say a child sees a toy on the top shelf and tries to get it at any cost. He climbs onto the nightstand and climbs the shelves. They take him down, hold him down, explain that it is dangerous, but he climbs and climbs again.

Avoiding failure is not always a bad thing. Fear of danger is a protective reaction of the body. But what will happen if you constantly educate with fear - over the edge? “Don’t run - you’ll fall”, “don’t jump - you’ll hit yourself”, “don’t poke your nose in - you won’t succeed.” And children, as often happens, believe us. And now they themselves are afraid of falling, hitting themselves, afraid that it won’t work out. They get used to being afraid. And then fear becomes not a friend, but an enemy. It no longer protects, but slows down. It does not allow you to live the life that a person wants, but constantly pulls him down to the foot of the mountain. And the top begins to seem like something unrealistic, intended for others. She no longer fits into the life scenario. These are “different” and talented, and funny, and they do everything so well! And I... well, it’s better not to interfere.

A person unconsciously seeks confirmation of his doubts. He is prepared for failure in advance. And when failure happens, the usual: “That’s what I thought!” Although, with more persistence, everything could have worked out.

A key component in this is the feeling of shame. Worry: “How will others evaluate me?”