What is self-esteem, how is it formed, signs of low self-esteem and 9 tips on how to increase it

Hello, friends! Psychologist Elena Elizarova is in touch.

Tell me, have you ever wondered how adequately you assess yourself and your capabilities? Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you overestimated your strength and got into trouble? Or, on the contrary, did you underestimate yourself and didn’t get what you wanted, although you could have? If the answer is yes, it may be a matter of poor self-esteem. We will talk about it today.

What is self-esteem

Self-esteem is a person's perception of himself. The concept is complex and includes many components:

• perception of one's appearance;
• assessment of intellectual abilities;
• assessment of character and personal qualities;
• perception of skills, abilities, level of education;
• physical assessment;
• assessment of professional qualities and many others.

Types of self-esteem

There are three types of self-esteem: adequate, distorted and mixed.

Adequate self-esteem

This is when a person really perceives his capabilities. He understands perfectly well what he is capable of and, what is also important, what he is not capable of. This approach allows you to make the right decisions in various life situations.

Distorted or inadequate self-esteem

In some aspects of life, we overestimate or, conversely, underestimate ourselves. Then we are talking about overestimated or underestimated, and in the general case, distorted self-esteem. There is nothing good about either, although people with low self-esteem are less happy and self-confident than those who overestimate themselves.

Distorted self-esteem brings with it a lot of hassle and problems. A person can grasp a task, and then it turns out that the hat was not for Senka. He experiences communication problems (with the opposite sex, colleagues and random people), having a wonderful character and excellent external data. Hence problems in career, personal life and so on.

Mixed self-esteem

The most common story. Because self-esteem is made up of many components, we may underestimate our capabilities in one area and exaggerate in another. For example, people who constantly experience failure on the personal front may be overly self-confident at work. This helps to build a career and be successful professionally. I'm unlucky in death, lucky in love, as they say.

Psychologists call this phenomenon overcompensation. This is one of the types of psychological defense. Our subconscious tries to compensate for failures in one area with successes in another. This is how a person finds a certain balance in which he feels good and comfortable.

But, like any psychological defense, overcompensation does not solve, but only masks the problem. Constantly repressing inconvenient moments leads to problems getting worse. At some point everything may come out.

In addition, self-esteem can change over time. This is influenced by various events occurring in a person’s life. For example, a divorce or separation from a partner can hurt self-esteem, although before that everything was fine. Or, for example, a person considered himself a professional in his field, but a single fiasco shook this confidence. No, he didn’t stop being a pro, his perception of himself as a specialist just changed.

Public opinion

Society dictates what a woman should do and when.

• Too fat - thinner.
• Too thin - dial it.
• If you put on too much makeup, wipe it off.
• You have bruises under your eyes - paint them over.
• Don't be so stupid.
• Don't be smart.

These settings can be listed endlessly. Any attempt to meet social standards leads to low self-esteem.

Moreover, the more a woman tries to “realize herself” and “improve herself,” the lower her self-esteem, although the situation seems opposite to us at first glance. A confident woman does not need to prove anything to anyone. If she does something for herself, then she does not need constant approval from others. Many women suffer, but push themselves to the limit to prove their worth.

Levels of self-esteem

Self-esteem is divided into three levels:

1. Low self-esteem. With low self-esteem, a person believes that he is worse than he really is. Usually this applies to all areas of life: professional activity, personal life, communication with others. Psychologists believe that this is the worst case. Such people are unhappy, rarely achieve success on all fronts, are touchy, and react painfully to criticism.
2. Normal or adequate . Here a person perceives himself realistically, knows his strengths and weaknesses. An ideal, but rare case. Most people believe that they objectively assess themselves and their capabilities, but upon closer examination it turns out that there are biases towards distorted self-esteem.

• High . No, not like that: inadequately high . From the name everything is clear: a person considers himself better than he really is. He exaggerates the advantages and does not notice the shortcomings. Often such people do not want to learn and develop. Why, if I’m already almost perfect? At the same time, the quality of work is noticeably worse than that of more adequate colleagues. It’s the same in other areas of life, although overly self-confident people often achieve success through charisma.

We all come from childhood

Self-esteem is formed in most people from childhood; for many, this formation occurs during adolescence.

Each parent instills certain attitudes in their child; they differ significantly by gender. If we look at an ordinary primary school class, we can notice striking differences between students who, at the time of their first year of study, have not yet chosen a social affiliation; it is “dictated” by their parents.

Some people get beautiful hairstyles, knit bows, and buy pink patent leather shoes. Other girls are dressed much more modestly, focusing on their studies and minimizing distractions. At an older age, the girl from the second example may begin to have problems associated with low self-esteem based on external signs.

How self-esteem is formed

Self-esteem is influenced by three main factors: upbringing, physical characteristics and a person’s environment.

Upbringing

Adequate assessment of your child

The foundations of self-esteem are laid in childhood. If parents adequately assess their child, his abilities and talents, everything will be fine with self-esteem. But often the older generation goes too far.

The most common mistake that moms and dads make is constantly comparing the child with more successful peers. The famous meme about the son of his mother’s friend did not appear out of nowhere.

There are a lot of variations of this meme, but the essence is the same: the son of his mother’s friend is always better

When comparisons are not in a child’s favor, he begins to develop complexes and self-esteem naturally falls. Parents want the best and sincerely believe that in this way they motivate their child.

By the way, it is not even necessary to compare the child with anyone. Excessive criticism with or without reason works on its own. But the trick is that the “nothing good will come of you” format as a motivation for achievements does not work, but only makes things worse. After all, as parents think: “I will tell the child that he is not capable of anything, and he, all so motivated, will begin to prove the opposite to me and move mountains.”

I assure you, it will not collapse. You will simply completely kill both self-esteem and the desire to do something. Why, if you still can’t please your parents? Dear moms and dads, children at this age need support and wise advice, not criticism. Yes, there are children who achieve a lot in defiance of their parents. But, firstly, such people are in the minority, and secondly, do you need your child to become successful in spite of mom and dad? A dubious story, you will agree.

The other extreme is to praise the child for trivial achievements and extol his talents. This is a sure way to high self-esteem. If you convince your child that he can be given the title of Hero of Russia for preparing his own breakfast, nothing good will come of it. Not only that, you are simply misleading him. The danger is that sooner or later life will show that the so-called talents are rubbish.

In short, you need to evaluate the child adequately: not over-praise, but also not criticize without a good reason.

Parental support

A very important point in building self-esteem is your parental support. Never shame your child in front of other people, even if he is guilty. He should feel that you are on his side, even if the child made a mistake.

For example, you were called to school. There is no need to scold him in front of the teacher: “Well, shame on you!” Be sure to talk about what happened, but only in private. Find out the reasons for the child’s bad behavior and listen to his explanations. Trust him. And only then make a decision on punishment.

Parental support is very important in building self-esteem

Physical characteristics of the child

A beauty is always (or almost always) more confident in herself than a gray mouse. But in general, both will not have critical problems with self-esteem, which cannot be said about children with various deviations from the norm.

We are not even talking about congenital pathologies here: for the development of low self-esteem, excess weight, poor vision (the child wears glasses), speech defects (lisp, burr) and even short stature are enough. Even if mom and dad support the child and don’t pay attention to the shortcomings, he may get the worst of it from society. Such children are often teased in kindergarten or school, they are given offensive nicknames, and even humiliated. Self-esteem in this case flies into the abyss at the speed of a Boeing.

What to do? There are two ways:

1. Try to eliminate deviations if possible. You can adjust your weight by contacting a nutritionist or endocrinologist, an ophthalmologist will help improve your vision, and so on.
2. Develop your child's talents to make him self-confident. Give him to the sports section, enroll him in a creative circle. The child will begin to make progress and self-esteem will increase. And charismatic and confident children are respected by their peers.

Environment

Self-esteem is also influenced by a person’s environment. If you have gathered people around you who do not respect you, assert themselves at your expense, and belittle your dignity, this will definitely affect your self-esteem, and not in the best way. Toxic relationships can be in the family, at work, in a circle of interests, and so on.

Formation of self-esteem of a junior schoolchild

The formation of self-esteem is closely interconnected with the active activity of children, with self-control and self-observation

Various activities, games, communication invariably draw their attention to themselves, put them in circumstances in which they must somehow relate to themselves and evaluate their own abilities, the ability to produce something, obey certain requirements and norms, and demonstrate individual personality traits

Self-esteem is an important and necessary component of the formation of self-awareness, i.e. a person’s comprehension of himself, individual physical strength, intellectual abilities, actions, deeds, motivations and goals of behavior, attitude towards the surrounding society, towards other individuals and himself.

The level of aspirations of children and self-esteem have a huge impact on success in certain types of activities.

Throughout the school year, the self-esteem of a junior schoolchild is formed. A separate situational self-esteem, not associated with a meaningful idea of ​​one’s own personality, appears much earlier than the personal “I-concept”. However, self-esteem becomes more constant and independent of situations only if it is interconnected with the “I-concept,” and meaningful differences between them are not revealed. In the first year of study, the image of one’s “I” increases several times.

For educational activities, a junior schoolchild really needs the ability to competently set goals, manage his behavior, and control himself. And for this you need knowledge about yourself, your potential. The process of developing self-control depends on the degree of formation of self-esteem. Schoolchildren are able to exercise self-control only with the help and guidance of adults or with the participation of peers. Primary school children's ideas about themselves are the basis of self-esteem. Children's self-awareness is realized in educational activities.

Children evaluate themselves during educational activities in two ways. The first is to compare the degree of personal aspirations with the objective consequences of personal activity. The second is in comparing one’s own personality with other individuals. And the higher the degree of claims, the harder it will be to satisfy them. Successes and failures in a certain type of activity significantly affect a person’s assessment of his own skills and abilities in this activity. So, for example, failures generally lower aspirations, while successes, on the contrary, increase them

Comparison is also important. After all, when evaluating himself, the child, voluntarily or involuntarily, tries to compare himself with other children, while he takes into account not only his own successes, but also the entire current social situation

The connection between low self-esteem and self-doubt

To begin with, I will list the main signs of low self-esteem:

1. Oversensitivity to criticism
2. Dependence on the opinions of others
3. Passivity
4. Indecisiveness, fear of making mistakes
5. Anxiety
6. Excessive jealousy
7. Envy, when you compare yourself to other people unfavorably
8. Excessive self-criticism
9. “Delusions of grandeur” are the flip side of low self-esteem (or narcissism, which I wrote about in this article).

A person who has at least a few of the above signs is not self-confident. As a result, he rarely achieves success in his career, personal life, and even everyday trifles.

Therefore, the connection between low self-esteem and self-doubt will be extremely simple: a person is sure that he will not succeed. That is, low self-esteem is a direct cause of insecurity. A person considers himself not educated enough for a successful career, not charming enough to have relationships with the opposite sex, not talented enough to engage in creativity. For every area of ​​life, an insecure character will find his or her “not enough.”

Therefore, in order to become a confident person, you need to start by raising your self-esteem. Below I will tell you how to do this.

Father's influence on daughter's self-esteem

The upbringing of her father plays an important role in a girl's life. Unfortunately, many men believe that showing love and affection towards their daughter ends with everyday communication, walks, and so on. But it is very important for girls to hear praise from their father, who would tell his daughter that she is the most beautiful, the smartest, the most gentle.

Fathers often joke like this: “Well, did you come home from school? Perhaps you picked up two? And the daughter, let’s say, is a good student or even an excellent student. A harmless joke, but this is only at first glance.

As a result, we get a bunch of complexes, reluctance to move up the career ladder, fear of more global goals - and all only because the internal attitude tells her: “I am unworthy.” There is a critical opportunity in early childhood when it is possible to instill in a girl a sense of self-worth that does not depend on the size of her breasts or the length of her legs.

How to increase self-esteem: 9 recommendations from a psychologist

Find something you like

This method works great not only with children, but also with established adults. The mechanics are exactly the same: you do what you like and what you are good at, achieve success, and as a result, self-esteem and self-confidence grow. Sports, hobbies, creativity, family are great examples.

Set goals and achieve them

At any cost, at any cost. This way you will understand that you are capable of a lot, and this will get rid of your inferiority complex. Nobody says that you should immediately rush to conquer Elbrus or jump with a parachute. For the first time, simple tasks are enough: give a gift to your loved one, wake up half an hour early, or finish reading a book that has been put off until better times.

Record your progress

Continuation of the previous thought. Set goals, achieve them, and then record them in your diary along with other good deeds that you did over a certain period of time: a day, a week, a month. Feel free to write down everything: you let a car pass from a secondary road, you drove your grandmother across a zebra crossing, you earned a thousand rubles more than last month.

Don't forget to read your diary, say, once a month. Five good deeds and achieved goals per day equals 150 entries per month. Reread it and you will be surprised at how smart you are.

Don't compare yourself to others

This is a bad practice and here's why: you can always find a more successful, beautiful and talented person than yourself. But what's the point? Each of us is unique, this time. And is Angelina Jolie happy, whose success, at first glance, is objective and beyond doubt? Unknown. For some the soup is too thin, for others the pearls are too small.

Accept yourself for who you are

You are the one and only person on this planet. So why compare yourself to others? It is better to focus on achieving your own goals according to your potential and your idea of ​​happiness.

Don't get carried away with self-criticism

No, self-criticism is good, but you should not cross the line between it and self-criticism, self-flagellation. Everyone makes mistakes, that's normal. But if every minor failure is perceived as a fatal defeat on a universal scale, this is not good. If you made a mistake, have a debriefing, draw conclusions and close the topic. There is no need to plunge into the abyss of toxic thoughts that I wrote about in this article.

Focus on the positive qualities

Instead of dwelling on the negative, purposefully find your strengths and work on developing them. There are no people without positive qualities, you are no exception.

Change your toxic environment

If you feel that your social circle is negatively affecting your self-esteem, it’s time to think about changing jobs, making new friends, or even breaking up with your toxic partner. To continue to live as before is in this case more expensive for yourself.

Effective methods to increase self-esteem

The most important step on the path to self-improvement is to recognize that there is a problem. Often a person disguises it behind other feelings and deliberately avoids resolving the issue. As soon as awareness comes, you can safely move on to the following methods of increasing self-confidence:

1. Keep a diary of achievements. This step does not require any serious financial or time expenditure. It's simple: at the end of each day, take 10-15 minutes to write down your small and big victories that happened to you today. Maybe you read a book or finally got up an hour earlier than usual? You can always find a reason to praise. This will help you develop a positive mindset every day and focus your vision on personal success. It is important to re-read your notes daily.
2. Change your environment. Evaluate those with whom you communicate most often. If there are negative people in your circle, refuse to interact with them. More often you are in the company of positive and successful people who are confident and have a positive attitude towards you.
3. Play sports. The best way to distract yourself and clear your thoughts of negativity is physical exercise. In addition, if low self-esteem is associated with external data, sports will help you get in shape. By the way, during sports, our body produces the hormone of happiness - dopamine.
4. Give up self-criticism and soul-searching. You won’t be able to increase your self-esteem if you constantly scold yourself for something or constantly express dissatisfaction with your appearance and abilities. Praise yourself more often and think positive thoughts.
5. Avoid comparisons. Each of you is a unique person with your own individual set of qualities, strengths and weaknesses. Remember that there will always be those who have achieved greater results than you. In this case, it is worth taking an example from them, and not engaging in self-flagellation. Better yet, compare yourself today with yourself yesterday, and track your growth by recording your achievements in the diary we talked about above.
6. Listen and say affirmations. Affirmation is a positive judgment that creates the right psychological attitude. These are our statements and beliefs, thoughts, feelings and desires that we want to have right now. It is important to formulate affirmations in the present tense. For example: “I have a prestigious and highly paid job”, “I am beautiful and healthy”, “I am a happy person”.
7. Get out of your comfort zone. Yes, many people have heard about this method, but not everyone decides to do it, because it’s so comfortable and safe to be in your “shell.” Face your problem. Do you feel insecure when you are in a new company? Visit crowded places and events more often and be the first to start a conversation. Our online program “Best Communication Techniques” will be an excellent assistant for you, where you will learn how to interact more effectively with people thanks to interesting communication techniques. You just have to take a step and you will understand that everything is not as scary as it seemed at first glance.
8. Attend trainings. There are many different training activities aimed at increasing self-esteem and gaining self-confidence, so all you have to do is choose the one that’s right for you. If you are not yet ready to take the training, watch a movie or read a book on a current topic.
9. Forgive yourself. Uncertainty is often a consequence of feeling guilty about oneself. None of us are immune from mistakes, and it is important to be able to forgive ourselves for them. Write yourself a note and tell in it about your feelings, emotions, thoughts, problems, failures, and be sure to forgive yourself in writing for everything for which you feel guilty.
10. Meditate. Meditation helps you completely relax physically and let go of your thoughts. There are many different techniques aimed at getting rid of self-resentment and achieving peace.

Self-confidence is not an innate quality, but rather formed in the process of life. Your main task on the path to healthy self-esteem is to love yourself, learn to believe in your own strength, which is only possible through daily work on yourself and your thoughts.

Do what you love, do not deny yourself small and big joys, always think about the good and then everything will work out!

Good luck!

We also recommend reading:

• Storytelling
• How to increase self-esteem: practice from the field of NLP
• Self-criticism
• Three masks of pathological narcissism
• Overcoming impostor syndrome
• Conditions for character formation
• Egocentrism
• The Complete Guide to Self-Confidence
• Formation of self-awareness
• Formation of correct self-esteem
• Psychological picture

Key words: 1 Communication, 1 Psychoregulation