- October 30, 2018
- Psychology of relationships
- Larisa Dranishnikova
Fear of rejection is an irrational feeling that convinces a person that people do not approve of his opinions, personality traits, values, or behavior. The fear of rejection leaves an imprint on daily household decisions, the choice of life priorities and relationships with people. Everyone is afraid of failure. For some it is a fear of losing comfort, for others it is a panicky fear of being rejected.
Fear comes from childhood
A newborn baby differs from baby animals in its helplessness. He cannot run away, feed himself, keep warm, cling to his mother’s skin and always be under her protection, bite or scare the offender. The help and care of others helps to survive, and the instinct of self-preservation suggests that they should always be nearby.
In addition to safety, a child needs love. Gentle touches and kind words calm and delight. A beloved child does not doubt his value to others.
Any child faces refusals and restrictions, this is how parents prepare him for life in society with other people. Adults choose strategies and methods for such education based on their own experience, momentary mood or desire to get a quick result. The decision to punish a child can be rash or impulsive, for which the parent always has an excuse. The trouble here is especially the perception of the child himself. When a baby thinks in terms of “loves - doesn’t love” and “I’m needed - I’m not needed,” isolation or punishment destroys his cozy world, leaving mental trauma.
Ways to protect yourself from rejection
When a child realizes his fear of being rejected, he looks for a way to live with it.
The first way is to submit and become “good.” This is a successful but short-sighted strategy. The fear of rejection remains, and the rules of the game are becoming more complicated all the time. Obedient children grow into anxious and responsible perfectionists. Their motto is: “We won’t give you a reason to stop loving us.”
The second way is to fight those who reject. This is a dead-end strategy in relationships with people. The child does not fight for fair treatment, but against any evaluation. His motto: “You don’t love me anyway, I have nothing to lose.”
The third way is to stop adjusting to the opinions of others. The strategy works for people with high self-esteem. The motto of this group is: “I am dear to myself, I don’t need anyone else’s assessment.”
Deliberately rude behavior, awkward clothing and caustic criticism of others are an imitation of an indifferent attitude towards the opinions of others. The very fact of the rebellion and its scope indicate that the fear of being rejected is such a serious enemy that all forces are thrown into fighting it.
The essence of the violation
Fear of rejection (also called “nullophobia”, NULLophobia) is a mental disorder based on an irrational fear of entering into close relationships with other people.
Any relationship - love or friendship - from the point of view of a person with such a disorder carries the risk of being rejected and, as a result, being left alone (which is especially frightening).
People who suffer from the fear of rejection, which has developed into a phobia, usually live according to one of two patterns.
The first of them is life in a relationship, union, but with a feeling of constant uncertainty and fear that all this is about to end. This attitude to life does not give a person happiness and often becomes the cause of neurosis. The fear of being rejected is so great that the person suffering from it does everything (often contrary to himself, his nature and principles) just not to lose another person. He tries to constantly confirm his love in one way or another and meet the expectations of the other party. Ultimately, this takes the form of obsessions, which, as a consequence, becomes the cause of separation.
The second path taken by people with fear of rejection is to avoid close relationships with others altogether. Those suffering from such a disorder do not want to get involved in them and somehow try to do something for the sake of relationships, assuming in advance that they still have no future. They protect themselves from loneliness, but, on the other hand, they do not want to risk being rejected. They don’t give chances to people who want to get to know each other and get closer to them.
A number of mechanisms that are triggered in the patient’s psyche perfectly mask the symptoms of this disorder. Therefore, people suffering from nullophobia are not always aware of their problem.
Fear of rejection is harmful to life
Fear is like a beacon that warns of danger. If the beam is too bright, it hits the eyes and the helmsman becomes disorientated. Paralyzing fear destroys what they are afraid of losing.
Man strives for pleasure and avoids pain. The pain of losing health, family, home and life itself is equal in significance to the suffering of losing respect, affection, money and power over people. The fear of being rejected came from the fear of losing love, and losing favor meant in primitive times expulsion from the tribe. Thus, genetic memory equates the fear of rejection with the fear of dying of hunger alone.
If a man is refused by the woman he loves, this will not cause him to die of starvation. But suicide is possible if this man has inflated the price of a particular woman’s love to the price of his own life. The sufferer is not satisfied with the real reason for her refusal, he comes up with his own - he is not worthy of the love of any woman. Thus, the fear of future failures kills him.
How to recognize someone who lives in constant fear of rejection
At the stage when the fear of rejection controls a person, his behavior and attitude towards himself betray his victim completely. Each of these signs suggests that fear of rejection is driving the personality:
- Falsity in behavior. A person puts on the mask of “a person pleasant in all respects”, demonstrates those qualities and expresses the opinion that the interlocutor likes.
- Subservience. He is afraid to refuse, fulfills the requests of others to his detriment, and is ready to humiliate himself in order to preserve the relationship.
- Devaluation of your needs. This is the case when “giving your last shirt away” is not a feat of self-sacrifice, but a risk of remaining naked for the sake of someone else’s approval.
- Nervous behavior. Self-doubt and trembling hands reveal a person who does not know what they want from him, and low self-esteem prevents him from being himself.
- Passive aggression. When they say that someone is crushed by fear, they mean that they are not a threat. But he is capable of sabotage. In order not to be rejected, a person agrees to fulfill the request, but in fact the result will be zero or negative. This is his cowardly way of saying no. Those who do not have the courage to fight openly will wage a “guerrilla war.”
- Giving up competition and your dreams. If you exclude situations from life that can end in rejection, then there will be no pain. Victims of the fear of rejection talk about how their life could have turned out, and what insurmountable obstacles prevented them from realizing it. Often they only think about the possibility of changing their life, but do not act.
- Exaggerating your role in the lives of others. The confidence that those around them are constantly discussing their every move, envying their successes or avoiding communication, suggests that the whole life of these people is spent with an eye on others.
- Self-fulfilling prophecies. Confidence in failure leads to failure. The constant expectation of pain turns a person into a masochist who himself goes towards suffering. When trouble happens, he is glad that he was right.
- Frustration. He analyzes all conversations with people and looks for words or intonations in them that allegedly insult or humiliate him. This person shares his findings with the other person immediately or during the next conversation in order to blame him for the rejection. As a result, he has fewer interlocutors, and frustration increases.
- Victim of manipulators. He offends loved ones who offer help with mistrust. At the same time, he becomes an easy victim of manipulators. To gain the trust and control of such people, scammers listen to endless complaints about refusals and condemnations, stories about self-fulfilling prophecies, and a lot of praise.
Fear of Rejection
Igor, good afternoon.
Your desire to find a guaranteed solution to this situation without sad consequences, grief, disappointment and loss of relationships is very understandable.
What should I do?
No matter how much you want it, you still have to take risks. One risk is that you confess to a girl and she rejects you. Another may arise due to the fact that, due to indecision, you “will end up in the friend zone,” as you already wrote.
Getting closer in a relationship is always a risk, since we are dealing with another person who is unpredictable only for a simple reason - he is a different person, with different desires, goals, dreams, outlook on life and habits.
If you hope that there is a universal solution somewhere, then this is an illusion. It simply doesn't exist.
What is there?
There is already a lot that lies in the treasury of your relationship and makes it important and valuable not only for you, but also for the girl. This is an almost six-month story of your joint impressions, emotions, time spent together, conversations and knowledge that belong only to the two of you. This is the support on which your mutual affection has already been built. Then a lot depends on what kind of affection you are capable of, and what kind of affection the girl is capable of. It is formed individually for each person.
Relationships are not only about joy and pleasant experiences, it is also important how you resolve contradictions, disagreements and how much you know how to get out of conflicts. It is both of you, and not just one of the two.
I hope that during your joint events and travels you have already encountered disagreements and managed to resolve them. Let this experience become a guide for you on what to do next.
At the same time, the feeling of falling in love makes us more vulnerable, defenseless and sensitive. We are afraid of hurting others and painfully of depriving ourselves. People in love treat each other especially carefully.
Only you yourself will be able to understand or feel when the most appropriate moment for rapprochement will come in your relationship. No one will be able to tell you this, since the relationship itself is something living and dynamic, not subject to algorithms, rules or rational schemes.
When you talk to people you know about what you should do, you are essentially wasting energy thinking about something that might already exist, and that you can only notice in the relationship itself. Do not look for a solution outside, but find it in the relationship itself, the girl’s behavior and your own feelings.
Your panic is stopped and even interrupted energy intended for rapprochement. You don’t spend it on what you are striving for, and it remains “seething” inside, and breaks out with attacks of rapid heartbeat and pulse, muscle tension, insomnia and a feeling of fear of loss.
I wish you clarity of thoughts and feelings, harmony with yourself and mutual understanding with your beloved.
Your Psychologist, Gestalt therapist. Consultations in St. Petersburg and Skype
Fear of rejection (2 answers)
The imaginary world of the outcast
A man, paralyzed by the fear of rejection, lives in a world he has invented that resembles a “personal hell on Earth.” All the inhabitants of this world are busy condemning, humiliating and rejecting him. He is ready to tolerate these people for the sake of recognition. His loved ones deceive him and abandon him. Friends don't answer the phone. Friends don't want to hear about his problems. Relatives do not understand that his inaction protects him from the pain of another refusal. He could forgive them because he is afraid to be left alone, but instead he collects grievances.
How faith helps
In one Christian hymn about God there is a line “I follow you, rejecting all fear.” If trust in loved ones is lost, and “personal hell” drives you crazy, people turn to God. Believing in it helps you realize your fear of rejection and decide to get rid of it. Religion teaches us to look for answers in our own soul and says that God does not reject anyone and loves unconditionally. Those who do not consider themselves worthy of happiness rely on faith and alleviate their mental anguish.
Symptoms
Fear of rejection can arise due to various personality disorders, so the symptoms of this type of disorder may differ in specific cases.
- People with narcissistic, selfish personalities tend to mask their fears with inflated self-esteem, self-idealization, lack of empathy, and excessive demands on others. This approach discourages the desire to have close ties with such a person.
- People with avoidant (anxious) personality disorder will try to avoid situations that would allow them to form stronger relationships with others.
- In people with a dependent personality, fear of rejection can manifest itself as a feeling of helplessness, subordination to someone, a lack of one’s own opinion, and a desire to shift responsibility for one’s actions to others. Such men and women are so subordinate to others that they cannot function independently. Therefore, their fear of loneliness is extremely strong.
- Nullophobia also appears in people with borderline personality disorder . Then the symptom may be going to extremes in social relationships (from love to hate) or emotional instability, instability that always stands in the way of a happy relationship.
- People with paranoid tendencies will mask the fear of rejection behind suspicion, mistrust, and long-term “encryption” of moral injuries.
Symptoms of fear can also include voluntary withdrawal from any interpersonal relationships, a tendency to live alone, and low emotionality, which prevents closer relationships with other people. This is a defense mechanism designed to protect against excessive intimacy. Paired with the fear of rejection is often low self-esteem and a lack of understanding of others. All this is reflected in other areas of life. Lack of self-confidence and motivation makes it difficult for a person to take on ambitious tasks and achieve their goals. With a pronounced nature of the disorder, such fear of being rejected, abandoned, forms a depressive personality, and can be the beginning of severe neurosis.
Why do victims of rejection reject themselves?
People with high self-esteem respect themselves and others and are inclined to self-development. They have let go of the fear of rejection and are willing to help others do the same. It is the victims of this fear who reject others. They know how painful it is to be rejected, so they use rejection as punishment.
A woman, tormented by the pangs of jealousy and the expectation that her husband will leave her, provokes quarrels and goes to her mother. She does not want a divorce, but manipulates her husband so that he swears his love for her every day and promises never to leave her. The man is afraid of being rejected and is tired of quarreling, so he takes a mistress to have a “backup option.” The circle is closed: the drama remains forever in this family.
Is it possible to cope with nullophobia?
The fear of rejection is often not only difficult to comprehend, but also difficult to cope with this problem without the help of specialists. The most effective method is psychotherapy, although even here an obstacle may be the patient’s fear of rejection, non-acceptance - this time from a specialist.
How to get rid of the fear of being rejected? First, the patient must deal with his anxiety about establishing a relatively close relationship with the therapist. This is a sensitive point that will appear periodically in their interactions. The therapist’s task is to structure treatment in such a way that these problems cease to be relevant. The patient must understand that if he tells the psychologist about his difficult experiences, this will not change the specialist’s attitude towards the patient and will not lead to rejection. In order for nullophobia to be successfully eliminated, the psychotherapist must support the patient in therapy and not allow him to abandon the course. Gaining trust is the greatest success of treatment and the hope for the patient to understand their problem.
Psychotherapy itself is lengthy and requires an “iron” sequence of actions. Professionals will have to take into account that patients who fear abandonment are very sensitive and suspicious. Therefore, it is very easy to lose their attention and motivation for treatment. But if those suffering from a phobia understand their own problem, then the chance of defeating such fear is very high. After completed and successful therapy for fear of rejection, patients can easily enter into close relationships with other people, forgetting about their previous fears.
Source: https://assol-club.net/2017/03/otkuda-beretsya-i-kak-proyavlyaetsya-strax-byt-otvergnutymi-i-kak-ot-nego-izbavitsya/
How to change your attitude towards refusals
Now it is clear what the fear of being rejected is. How to get rid of it?
If a person finds a diamond on the ground and, through ignorance or short-sightedness, considers it a cobblestone, he discards its side. Did the diamond grieve when it was rejected? The refusal did not reduce its value in any way. Did a person assert himself by throwing a diamond? He simply walked on and looked at his feet in search of treasures.
A young man with low self-esteem goes on a first date, with one thought in his head: “I’m afraid of being rejected.” He is fixated on his fears and does not think that the girl might disappoint him. Subconsciously, he gives her the right to evaluate and reject him.
Perhaps this young man was not appreciated by his parents or classmates, and he expects the same from women. If you change the vector of your expectations and consider yourself a diamond that will become a reward for the most worthy, then the fear of rejection will lose its power over it.
Causes
Where does the fear of being rejected - by a woman, a man, by anyone - come from? Most psychologists see the causes of nullophobia in a person’s past. As a rule, the occurrence of this disorder is influenced by parents who were too protective, helped their child in everything, raising a person who turned out to be incapable of independent life. Such people are afraid of independence and loneliness, so they agree to a lot (if not everything), as long as no one pushes them away.
However, the most common cause of such a phobia is the experience of rejection in the past. Strong negative feelings from that period have a real impact on later life. Rejection in the past could be due to, for example, the divorce of parents or the loss of one of them. It could also be the experience of a painful breakup of a love relationship, a feeling of rejection due to betrayal in friendship or business, etc.
Fear of rejection can also be caused by independent factors, such as a natural personality trait or personality disorder. The tendency to be lonely can be congenital or inherited from parents.
Nothing personal about refusal
People often reject others without malicious intent. 20 applicants are invited to apply for a vacancy and 19 of them are rejected. The HR manager chose one; he did not think anything personal about the humiliation of the refusal of the others, as they say.
If you consciously separate the imagined scenario from reality, leave your “personal hell” and analyze your fears, you can come to the same conclusion as Dale Carnegie: “Only a few people think logically. Most of us are biased, prejudiced, infected with preconceptions, jealousy, suspicion, fear, envy and pride.”
Advice from a psychologist on overcoming the fear of rejection
They start by analyzing their own behavior. Anyone who expects rejection is desperate for love. Instead of an honest conversation, manipulations are used that humiliate the participants in this drama and make the fear of rejection stronger.
It is important to honestly admit to yourself that such situations happen and to abandon them forever:
- Tricks with pity. This is a demonstration of your suffering from helplessness. The manipulator is supposed to be loved because he cannot take care of himself.
- Tricks with injustice. This is a listing of all your good deeds throughout the history of your acquaintance and hints that in return you need to give love, care and gratitude.
- Bribery tricks. Here, for your love, loyalty and care, you are supposed to gain control over the life of another, so that he gives up his interests, habits and attachments.
The next step is to overcome your fear of rejection. You need to make a list of 100 small and serious requests and choose 100 different people. These could be friends, relatives, classmates, officials from various institutions, or strangers on the street. The experiment will take a week or a month - it doesn’t matter. Goal: learn not to attach importance to refusals and keep records of satisfied requests.
Further, psychologists advise to improve your self-esteem. Once a person stops rejecting himself, others will see a lot of merit in him.
