How to love yourself: 12 tips from psychologists to accept yourself

To achieve anything in life, a person needs to have fairly high self-esteem, have a positive attitude towards himself, see his beauty and uniqueness, respect and love himself as an individual. One of the most important qualities of a happy person is respect for one’s “I” and complete self-acceptance with all the advantages and disadvantages. It is low self-esteem that prevents many people from being successful in their personal lives and business.

There are several reasons for low self-esteem.

1. Parents’ assessment and attitude in childhood.

The formation of a person’s self-esteem begins in early childhood. At this age, the child does not yet know how to independently give an objective description of something, including his own behavior. A child’s assessment of himself in this world depends on the attitude of his immediate environment, and, mainly, his parents. If a child does not receive enough attention and love, then he develops low self-esteem. If parents are too demanding of their child and constantly criticize him, then this will definitely have a negative impact on his future fate. Such an attitude on the part of the closest people leads to a low level of self-esteem, and the little man begins to believe that he does not deserve better. He carries this with him into adulthood.

2. “The tyranny of obligation” on the part of parents.

Many parents use phrases in raising their children like: “You must behave just like your dad,” “You must obey,” and other “You must...”. This develops a sense of hyper-responsibility, which in the future leads to emotional stiffness and tightness. A model of a standard is formed in the child’s mind, only by embodying it in reality can he be loved. As you know, it is impossible to be an ideal, so a discrepancy arises between reality and this standard.

3. Birth defects.

A child with congenital diseases or external defects may feel inferior, not like everyone else, especially among his peers, who can sometimes be very cruel. If his peers laughed at his shortcomings in childhood and constantly reminded him of them, of course, his self-esteem will also be low in the future.

4. Accepting the opinions of other people as objective reality.

No matter how good or bad you have done or done a job, there will always be people who will criticize you. The reason here lies in the fact that when you get ahead, you are sure to leave many behind you, and they try to “catch up” with you, at least in words. If you start taking everything you are told on faith, then soon enough it will affect your self-esteem.

5. Attaching great importance to any of your defeats.

Every person has situations in life when he loses at something. This could be dismissal from work, a failed deal, a quarrel or a breakup with a loved one. If you attach too much importance to this, blaming only yourself for everything, then this will have a very negative impact on the level of self-esteem and, consequently, on self-esteem.

6. Excessive demands on yourself.

Often people tend to set themselves obviously unattainable goals, the implementation of which requires much more time than they allot for themselves. As a result, it turns out that a person does not achieve the desired result. Because of this, self-esteem suffers, and, disappointed in himself, a person generally stops taking any steps towards his dream.

By what signs can you determine that you have low self-esteem?

Tendency to make excuses
Frequent, and mostly unfounded, feelings of guilt.
An uncomfortable state, excessive emotional stress in the company of people whose opinions matter to you.
A person with low self-esteem very often scrolls through phrases and attitudes in his thoughts: “How imperfect, bad, unlucky I am, etc.”
Excessive self-criticism, positioning oneself as a hopeless person.
Frequent complaints about a bad life, the inability to fix anything, helplessness, etc.
When you look in the mirror, you notice a large number of “flaws” in your appearance and very few of your strengths.
The way you dress also says a lot. Grooming, hairstyle, clothes - this is self-presentation. If a person attaches too much importance to “shortcomings” and constantly tries to somehow disguise them, or, on the contrary, to stick out and overemphasize something in himself, experiences internal discomfort and uncertainty, he takes too seriously how others will perceive him . There is an “alarm bell”: this is evidence of low self-esteem.
Bowed head, hunched back, sad facial expressions: the corners of the eyes, eyebrows, and mouth are downturned.
Stiffness in movements. A person with adequate self-esteem is more relaxed psychologically and physically; he does not feel threatened by others. What to do if your self-esteem is low and you need to change the attitude towards yourself, both your own and those of others? To do this, first of all, you need to remember those people because of whom you have low self-esteem and try to forgive them. The ability to forgive those who have offended us is one of the ways to raise our self-esteem. Now do two exercises.

Reasons for lack of self-love

Psychologists say that the roots of a lack of self-love should be sought in childhood. The child's psyche is very sensitive and receptive. She, like a sponge, absorbs everything that happens to a person. Any careless word can leave an imprint that a person will carry throughout his life.

The main reasons why a person cannot love himself:

lack of unconditional love from parents;
comparison with other children in their favor;
lack of proper attention from parents, their constant employment;
jealousy towards brothers or sisters;
inflated demands and overprotection;
ridicule from peers;
conflicts with teachers;
serious traumatic event.

Most often, it is in childhood that the preconditions for self-dislike are laid. But this is not the only possible scenario. It happens that at an early age a person does not experience problems with self-esteem and self-acceptance, and then something happens in his life that seriously undermines self-confidence.

This could be an unsuccessful relationship, problems at work, the loss of a loved one, a serious illness, etc. A once stable and strong person turns into a confused, scared and insecure person. He has to re-look for support within himself, re-establish contact with himself.

Fortunately, our psyche is very malleable and plastic. If you don’t waste time throwing ashes on your head, but focus on regaining self-love, the result will come very quickly.

How does self-dislike manifest itself?

Usually a person who does not love himself knows this very well. But in some cases this may not be obvious.

Let's look at the vivid manifestations of dislike and non-acceptance of oneself:

Unreasonable feelings of guilt. A person feels guilty even when he is 100% right.
Inability to refuse. It is difficult for a person to say “no”. He often sacrifices his time and resources to please other people.
Saving on yourself. If you have free money, but at the same time you wear worn-out things, then this is a clear sign of dislike for yourself.
A frivolous attitude towards your health. A person who truly loves himself undergoes all examinations on time, consults a doctor at the first manifestations of the disease, and carries out all preventive measures.
Fear of solitude. Reluctance to be in company with yourself is an alarming bell. Normally, a person should calmly accept temporary loneliness and even appreciate it.
Wearing uncomfortable clothes and shoes. Dressing up in tight dresses and high heels is normal for a formal event. But wearing them on a regular basis, enduring pain and inconvenience, is wrong.
Going on strict diets. Work to improve your appearance should take place without compromising your health.

Learn to speak confidently

Sometimes it's hard to say no just because you don't know how to express yourself clearly and confidently. And you are afraid that it may sound aggressive or impolite. Learn to refuse without offending anyone.

Here are some simple statements to get you started:

Right now (this week/this month) I can't do it.
I have too many other things to do right now.
Thanks for the invitation, but I can't at this time.
I won’t be able to go with you, but then be sure to tell me how it went.
Perhaps another time. I would be glad to have an invitation next week.
Sounds great, but no, thanks.

What to do to love yourself

Let's move from theory to practice. The following 12 tips from psychologists are guaranteed to help you love yourself. If you follow them, of course.

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Accept yourself for who you are

Love begins with acceptance. Until you learn to accept yourself with all your strengths and weaknesses, there can be no talk of any love. At this moment in time, you are who you are: whole and indivisible. Take this as a starting point and don’t waste time on self-deception and throwing dust in people’s eyes.

You can become a better person in the future if you work on yourself. And you will have more and more reasons to love yourself. But for this future to come, we need to lay a strong foundation in the present.

Just don’t confuse acceptance with self-deception. Don't try to convince yourself that your weaknesses are strengths. For example, if you are lazy, you should not look for something positive in this. You just need to note this fact for yourself in order to work on it later. And if you try to camouflage your shortcomings, you will not have a chance to improve.

Treat yourself like a parent treats a child. Don’t look for why you can love yourself, but love for nothing.

Forgive your mistakes

Excessive severity with ourselves and self-flagellation makes us anxious and cowardly. Write yourself an indulgence for past mistakes and don’t return to them again. Life is too short to waste it on regrets and covering your head with ashes.

Say “thank you” to each of your failures for valuable experience and life lessons. You will immediately notice how a burden will fall from your soul. And most importantly, you will get freedom of action in the future. By forgiving yourself of past mistakes, you will stop being panicky about mistakes in the future. This means that it will be easier for you to leave your comfort zone and achieve your dreams.

Love yourself unconditionally

We don't need reasons to love our parents and children. We love them unconditionally, we love them sincerely, we forgive all shortcomings, we care for them and protect them. You need to treat yourself the same way. You are the closest and dearest person in the whole world to yourself.

Self-love should not be confused with selfishness. An egoist is fixated on his problems, and the one who loves himself is kind and open to the world.
Mikhail Labkovsky

Cultivate Self-Respect

Self-esteem is a very complex concept. Many people confuse it with conceit, pride and pride, although this is completely different. High self-esteem means that a person recognizes his own value to himself and will not exchange it for anything.

Self-esteem will not allow him to humiliate himself, act contrary to his principles, or sacrifice his beautiful and noble image for the sake of momentary gain.

Respect yourself if you want to be respected.
Gracian Baltazar

How does self-respect manifest itself? I'll start with a simple example. A person with self-respect will not wear socks and underwear with holes, knowing that no one will see them anyway. The most important view for him is his own. And he won’t urgently scrub the apartment before guests arrive. His place is always clean and tidy, because the most important and dear person lives in this apartment - himself.

Also, a self-respecting person does not try to evoke pity from others in order to gain some privileges. Any pity is humiliating for him.

Start cultivating self-esteem and you will notice how your life changes for the better. Those around you will also notice changes in you and will begin to treat you differently. At some point, you will love this new feeling so much that you will never be able to give up your self-respect.

Appreciate your uniqueness

There is no other person in the world like you. Different traits intertwine in each individual, creating a unique, fingerprint-like pattern of the soul. Your shortcomings are harmoniously balanced by your advantages. Therefore, there is no point in isolating and focusing on them. Perceive yourself holistically and enjoy how unique you are.

Don't compare yourself to others

There is no point in comparing yourself to other people. You exist in different conditions, different coordinate systems. There will definitely be those who are better than you in some way. But this is not a reason to give up and despair. You need to live according to your scenario and move forward at a comfortable pace.

The only person you can compare yourself to today is you yesterday. Are you even a little better? This means that the motion vector is correct and you can continue on your way.

And by constantly looking back at other people's successes, you will only ruin your motivation to do something and will be completely disappointed in yourself. In addition, it grows envy - a destructive, poisonous feeling that takes a lot of energy.

Don't complain or whine

Whining, complaining, lamenting are signs of a weak and poorly organized personality. When you dump all the negativity on other people, they witness your weakness and begin to feel sorry for you. Automatically, without meaning to, you put yourself in the bottom position. And this is very harmful to self-esteem. A pitiful and helpless image of oneself is fixed in the subconscious, which is very difficult to eradicate.

Clearing your head of negativity is not so easy. A way of thinking is a habit that is deeply ingrained into our personality. It will take weeks or even months to change it. And while this process is going on, learn to at least keep your negativity to yourself. Don't burden people with complaints and whining. This way you will maintain self-respect and good relationships with others. Nobody likes whiners - remember this.

Keep your negativity to yourself. Better yet, get rid of it completely!

If the feeling of annoyance and depression is so strong that you cannot keep it to yourself, pour out your soul on paper. She, as they say, will endure everything and will not judge you. Write down everything that worries, worries, upsets you, and you will immediately feel better.

Criticize yourself less

Excessive criticism and demands on yourself prevent you from enjoying life. But it is so short and fleeting. Take off your strict judge's robe and relax. Life is not an exam where you constantly have to prove something to someone.

Look around! You won't see a single perfect person. Everyone sometimes makes mistakes, looks stupid and ugly, and behaves inappropriately. If you focus on these moments all the time, you can simply go crazy. Therefore, every time the worm of criticism begins to gnaw at you, drive it away and switch to something positive.

Don't worry about what others think

Especially strangers and strangers to you. It is impossible to please absolutely everyone. Yes, this is not necessary.

Realize that the desire to please everyone comes from a lack of self-reliance. There is no internal rod that gives stability. There is no benchmark to look up to. Hence the desire to rely on other people's assessments.

Set your own criteria for evaluating yourself and stick to them.

Internal support comes from taking full responsibility for your life, from independent purposeful actions, from pumping your own resources. This is a long and difficult process. To begin with, I suggest that you form an assessment system within yourself based on generally accepted moral standards and your own principles. And evaluate all your actions in accordance with it.

I suggest you read our recommendations on how a woman can become confident and how a man can increase his self-confidence.

Upgrade yourself

Self-love is closely related to self-esteem. And it grows from real achievements. Upgrading is the only way to raise self-esteem and maintain it adequate. Start improving on all fronts! You will notice how quickly your self-love will grow.

I suggest you start upgrading yourself by understanding what self-development is. Our article will help you evaluate all areas of your life and develop a strategy to improve them. You can improve your health, appearance, personal qualities, mental abilities, upgrade your professional skills and much more.

And for those who want to save time and enlist the support of experienced specialists, I advise you to look at the selection of courses and trainings on self-development.

Set goals and achieve them

True goals force us to mobilize all our resources and relentlessly move towards the life we dream of. They also attract the lion's share of attention, preventing it from dwelling on negative thoughts and dissatisfaction with oneself. When a person has a goal, he is motivated, inspired and full of energy. In this state it is much easier to love yourself.

When an important goal is achieved, a person experiences tremendous pleasure. His self-esteem grows, as does his motivation for new achievements.

Read about how to set goals correctly on our blog.

Hang out with positive people

Try to surround yourself with polite, tactful, cheerful people. Eliminate whiners, grumblers and pessimists from your social circle. It is very difficult to maintain a positive attitude around them.

Also avoid communicating with those who question your merits and try to undermine your self-confidence. Don’t let people assert themselves at your expense, protect personal boundaries and protect psychological comfort.

Techniques for getting out of difficult emotional situations

The Anger Process Technique

A very easy and effective way to get rid of anger is the process of anger. It will help develop feelings of guilt and self-hatred, thereby easily helping to get rid of tension, which is the result of negativity and indignation. Having given free rein to indignation and accusations, awareness and understanding of what you want yourself appears.

At the root of all anger is an unsatisfied need to love oneself and feel important. So, let's move on to the process, which consists of three steps:

Get angry with yourself. Start voicing all the reasons for your anger.
Become a motivator. Start speaking out about your desires: what you want or, on the contrary, what you don’t want.
Become your own biggest fan and support group. Start saying positive statements about yourself.

When you are in a bad mood, depressed, it means that in your subconscious you are blaming yourself for something. Anger provides an opportunity to throw negative emotions to the surface and raise inner strength. You can’t just describe this technique in words; it’s important to work it out on yourself, whether it’s problems at work with colleagues and so on.

Copying technique

In fact, the essence of the concept has been familiar to everyone since childhood. Your parents showed you what to say and do, copying them.

For example: “Say dad,” repeat after me. Or your mother will tell you in theory how to get on a bike, but you will dare to do this after your mother herself shows you how to do it. And all your attempts received approval, felt closeness and love.

This technique can be used to relieve emotional tension between you, a child, a parent, or a friend. Everything is very easy: as soon as you notice that the tension is increasing, then one begins to copy the feelings of the other, having discussed with him in advance that such a method exists.

When someone expresses the same thing as you, there is a relief that takes you to levels of acceptance and understanding. There is no point in finding out who started the quarrel; it is important to resolve the tension and restore communication using the copying technique. How to use it correctly?

Step 1. Statements

As soon as you realize that an argument is brewing, ask your friend for permission to use the copying technique. It must be applied one at a time. Ask him to express everything he feels and repeat after him, as if you were standing in his place. Don't laugh or interrupt, just play his role. It is enough to express a few of your emotions, and then move on to the positive aspects. By listening to what your interlocutor says, you will begin to understand his point of view more clearly. At this stage, your partner will feel relieved and see that you really understand him.

Step 2: Borrowing Feelings

When he finishes talking about his experiences, it is time to copy the point of view, without verbal additions on his part. You don’t need to agree with the views and understand them; it’s enough just to take his place. You may feel some internal resistance, but keep going, eventually the tension will lessen and you will be able to more easily verbalize what he is feeling.

Step 3. Exchange roles

After completing the previous step, the couple should switch roles and now, on the contrary, one expresses and the other copies.

It may also happen that this method may not help a person, then he can turn to the next tool - love letters.

Love letter technique

The main technique that allows you to express your real feelings and resolve conflict within yourself and in relationships is the technique of love letters. This is not only a powerful tool for emotional relief, but also an opportunity to tell the complete truth about yourself.

Useful literature

If you want to approach the problem thoroughly, I recommend studying the relevant literature. Pay attention to the following books on psychology:

L. Hay “Become happy in 21 days.” A complete course of self-love”
M. Zakharenko “The magic of self-love”
L. Levitskaya “Facing yourself. The path from pain to love"
A. Zaloga “Self-love. 50 ways to increase self-esteem”
A. Zaloga “Self-love. Training diary for 30 days. How to increase self-esteem and accept yourself as such”
O. Savelyeva “Lucky. 80 therapeutic stories about love, family and the path to oneself”