My husband and I argue every day: what to do to improve family relationships

In this article you will learn how to stop arguing over trifles with your husband, become calmer, and restore good relationships in the family.

I'll tell you about 10 ways to stop quarreling over little things that you didn't pay attention to before. I will rely on my experience working with clients and my personal family life. And of course, I want to ask you - are you ready not only to read the article, but also to follow all the recommendations? Because just reading it won’t give any result, but I want your life to become a little happier...

Quarrels over trifles, is it serious or not?

Out of habit, many people think that conflicts over trifles are nonsense, and they are not worth paying close attention to. But if in your family there are strong scandals, a sea of ​​​​claims, then this is already more serious!

But that's not true...

But let's remember a little about how your life together began? After all, then, you didn’t pay attention to each other’s little things and shortcomings, right?

If there were conflicts, they were serious when something happened, but they happened quite rarely. But time passed, and conflicts became more frequent and longer lasting.

And now, you have enough little things to get yourself into full swing and give away all the accumulated complaints to your husband.

Frequent conflicts indicate that mutual understanding has been lost, that both spouses rely on their past experiences, and cannot forgive any sins. Inside, a lot of complaints and discontent have accumulated and it’s enough for a trifle to cause a quarrel to break out.

We will not talk about crises in the family, such as a betrayal of a partner or a state of divorce, in these cases everything is clear. There are good reasons why both partners are unhappy, and therefore, constant conflicts occur.

Why do couples fight?

At the beginning of a relationship, a man and a woman get used to each other, learn habits and preferences. They are in the stage of falling in love when everything around them seems beautiful and romantic. When spouses begin to live together, everyday affairs and worries arise that bring them down to earth and take off their rose-colored glasses. The candy-bouquet period ends, a turning point comes - a crisis, during which a reassessment of values ​​occurs. At this stage, partners may not be able to withstand the problems that arise; they quarrel or even break up.

READ How to understand that your husband has fallen out of love: characteristics of your spouse’s behavior

Constant loud quarrels with my husband depress the nervous system, leading to depression, insomnia and decreased performance. The fact is that neither partner wants to make concessions. They respond in kind to aggression, screaming, anger and swearing. With this, the husband and wife are trying to prove that they are right. After a while, emotions subside, the cause of the scandal is forgotten, the lovers become ashamed or it is unclear why the conflict occurred.

Outbursts of rage are provoked by stress, chronic fatigue, and illness. This can happen even to the most calm and peaceful person. If a spouse wants to relax after work, go to bed earlier, and his wife drags him to a party, a quarrel may occur.

We argue with our husband every day if we transfer our parents’ attitudes into our family and copy their behavior. This also applies to men. This behavior was the norm when the guy and girl each lived with their parents. They saw the relationship between mother and father, which became an example for them.

Frequent scandals between husband and wife can occur when one falls under the hot hand of the other. For example, a husband may be rude in the parking lot or reprimanded at work, and because of this nonsense he will take his anger out on his wife. The wife has nothing to do with it, it hurts her, she shows retaliatory aggression over little things. Other reasons for quarrels may be financial problems, low self-esteem, inability to compromise, difficult character, etc.

What irritates your spouse over time?

Constant quarrels with your loved one can arise due to the fact that over time he begins to irritate. It is during the period of falling in love that we do not see negative aspects, considering a man almost an ideal. Over time, his hidden negative qualities begin to appear, which after a few years reach their peak to the point that the husband can “spoil the air” without even being embarrassed by the woman he loves next to him. It is not surprising that over time, the husband’s habits and manners, his character, behavior and attitude towards the family cease to suit him. The same can be said about your spouse - he, too, begins to be irritated by some of your qualities.

Men's opinion

When you constantly conflict over mere trifles, and your husband starts, then think about it. Perhaps you are annoying him. Men admitted that the most annoying character traits of their wives, which over time begin to repel them, are:

• Excessive sociability. Representatives of the stronger sex have a need for communication that is 2 times lower than their fair halves. After a working day, a man is squeezed like lemon and is ready to have a heart-to-heart talk for at most 15 minutes. But a woman can chat incessantly all evening, especially if she is sitting at home. To solve this problem, you need to find other “ears” for yourself and leave your husband alone.
• Manic cleanliness. Of course, it is necessary to keep the house clean. But cleanliness and sterility are not the same thing. There is no need to go to extremes and spend all day cleaning and dusting. And you shouldn’t throw your fists at your husband because of thrown socks or a dirty plate.
• Jealousy of children. For a woman, children become the center of the universe; her whole life revolves around them. The man feels unwanted and lonely. To avoid this situation, it is necessary to involve your husband in raising the child and not reject his help.

READ

How to earn forgiveness from your beloved wife: ways of reconciliation

• Bad habits. Pay attention to your bad habits. Perhaps you and your husband used to drink and smoke together, but over time he reconsiders his views. Now he sees you as the mother of his children. You continue to smoke or drink alcohol. Of course this will annoy him. Such a woman will not be able to give birth to healthy offspring.

• Thirst for career growth. A man chooses a loving wife and a caring mother for children as his life partner, but definitely not a “business shark.” What is more important to you - family or career?
• Reluctance to work. When a wife does not want to work, especially if there is not enough money in the family, this will also not lead to anything good. And “doing nothing” does not have the best effect on a woman’s development.
• Ungroomed. From a beauty who takes care of herself, over time the lady turns into a neglected, fat woman wearing an old shabby robe. So the man will completely stop experiencing sexual desire.

If you feel dissatisfied with your spouse and are wondering how to stop regular conflicts over little things, then look at yourself. Perhaps you are making one of these mistakes and thereby annoying your spouse.

Women's opinion

Not only a wife can annoy her husband, but vice versa. According to women, the following points most often cause negative emotions in a spouse:

1. Partners are constantly together. This happens if they work in the same office or, for example, do freelancing at home. Being around one person around the clock causes a feeling of hopelessness, life begins to seem monotonous and monotonous. To prevent this from happening, find a hobby that is not related to your spouse's hobby, and spend at least part of the evening away from him.
2. During pregnancy, due to raging hormones, a woman experiences not only mood swings and changes in taste, but also an unstable emotional state. It would seem that she perceives her husband’s usual actions inadequately. All you have to do is be patient and wait for the baby to be born.
3. Lack of initiative. If it seems to you that conflicts often break out over nonsense, then perhaps it is not nonsense at all. If, instead of helping around the house or with raising children, the spouse spends the evenings at the computer, then this begins to irritate over time and leads to constant conflicts. A heart-to-heart conversation and requests for help can correct the situation.
4. Bad father. If a man devotes little time to the child, does not raise him, does not play and does not go anywhere with him, then this causes indignation and bewilderment in the woman.
5. Dissatisfaction in bed. The problem can be solved by talking and adding variety to intimate life.
6. Habits. A husband may throw dirty socks around the house, leave the toilet seat unattended, throw a brush, or leave hair in the sink. If only these little things irritate you, then you shouldn’t make a conflict out of it. Do it your way and forget it.

To a woman’s complaints that we fight with her husband, any person will answer: “Who doesn’t?” We need to understand the causes of the conflict and try not to lead the situation to a huge scandal.

Serious reasons for quarrels

When both spouses love each other, small problems are resolved quickly and easily. If there is a sincere desire to preserve the family and good relationships, they learn to interact and manage conflicts.

But there are also more serious reasons for quarrels that complicate life and the search for a way out of the situation:

• alcoholism;
• gaming addiction;
• betrayal;
• differences in educational methods.

Alcohol inhibits the activity of the cerebral cortex. Under its influence, attention is disrupted, self-control is lost, feelings of resentment and aggressiveness increase, and this leads to rash actions. A person loses the ability to sensibly assess what is happening. For example, a drunken spouse may become enraged because of a remark received from his wife about a minor matter: he left a stain or made crumbs on the table.

Conflicts in the family are inevitable if the husband runs to the computer after work instead of talking with his wife, playing with the children, visiting or receiving guests. The opposite situation also happens: the wife is constantly in conflict, there are problems at work, the husband finds a way to get rid of aggression - plays games on the computer.

Cheating on a partner leads to scandal because it is a betrayal and a blow to self-esteem. Inconsistency between spouses' approaches to parenting negatively affects the child. Mom forbids eating candy before meals, dad allows it. The wife begins to quarrel with her husband, accusing him of not supporting her. He doesn't like that his wife nags him. A conflict arises.

Unusual methods for ending family quarrels

In family therapy, psychologists offer unconventional ways to stop conflicts.
Ceremonial scandal is very popular. The point is simple: you cannot start arguing until both participants have performed the “secret” ritual. The partners come up with it on their own: give in 20 times, put on bathrobes, say a tongue twister, etc. Introducing an absurd element into a quarrel turns it into a pleasant game. The lovers begin to laugh because of the comedy of what is happening. Negativity fades away, positive emotions remain.

Some couples use a safe word. When the scandal goes too far, the couple reveals the password. After its announcement, the lovers have a peaceful conversation until the “pause” is turned off.

During a normal dialogue, emotions will subside. Further discussion will take place in a favorable environment.

Rules of conduct during a scandal

Even in conflicts, it is necessary to adhere to the rules. You should never quarrel in front of strangers. If friends or relatives get involved in the showdown, the aggression between husband and wife will only intensify. There is a high probability that the spouses will make peace, and strangers will remain to blame for their quarrel, so we quarrel with the husband in private.

An effective technique is to remain silent. If one of the spouses starts an aggressive monologue, let him finish it. It is better to avoid mutual reproaches, retaliatory rage and not succumb to provocations.

READ How to make your husband fall in love with you again after 10 years of marriage: advice from a psychologist

how to be an interesting conversationalist

“It’s impossible to talk to you, you constantly jump from topic to topic, and you can become a schizophrenic,” N said to his wife. She just seemed to be talking about one thing and then, without any transition, she jumped to another, and then you pretend to be offended because I don’t want to communicate with you.

What does the wife want? And the wife so wants to be an interesting conversationalist for her husband, so that their relationship will improve, so that they will enjoy talking to each other. But she didn’t know how to do this, what to do in such cases is not clear. What tactics will help you become an interesting conversationalist and improve your relationship with your husband. Let's figure it out.

Reconciliation with your spouse

If a scandal still cannot be avoided, you need to wait until the emotions subside, and only then begin to improve the relationship. During a lull, each spouse comprehends what happened and begins negotiations prepared.

Taking the first step is difficult, especially for men. They believe that this is unworthy of them, so it is usually the woman who begins the reconciliation. But if she alone is to blame, then she even more needs to start a dialogue herself.

If a man has no desire to enter into a showdown, it is necessary to postpone the conversation. By starting to put pressure on him, you can provoke a scandal with even greater force. Having realized that your spouse has calmed down and is ready for dialogue, it is recommended to speak to him as many kind words as possible, gently touch his body, stroke and kiss him. Such actions will relieve tension and set you up for friendly communication.

If your spouse is silent and avoids making contact for several days or weeks, you can arrange a surprise for him. To do this, you can remember all his hobbies, think about what he definitely can’t resist, and implement them. The first thing that comes to mind is the idea of ​​entertaining him with hot sex in bed, wearing new underwear. However, this method is unsuccessful. The spouse will agree to a new experiment, but after sex the anger will return.

A romantic dinner would be a good surprise for reconciliation. You can choose any place, turn on calm music. A declaration of love, regret about the scandal that occurred and the desire to fix everything and forget will affect a man.

Subsequently, you need to be more often interested in the affairs and mood of your spouse. Perhaps something is bothering him and he needs attention and support. It is more pleasant for him to hear words of love instead of reproaches about unwashed dishes.

How to return to the discussion if the interlocutor doesn’t really want to.

How to return to a conversation on an unproductive topic.

There are 2 ways: 1.Pause 30 minutes. Yes, perhaps the question is important, but if you see that the interlocutor (wife/husband or children are agitated), the matter may turn into an unproductive conflict. Then, after talking, take a break. Walk around, think, prepare.

If during the conversation you feel and understand that things are heading towards a quarrel, then give another 5, 10 or 15 minutes of respite. You need to return to a difficult conversation after a pause.

2. Method “Training format”. We have already talked about it above.

How to behave when you are criticized.

• Calmly listen to the person criticizing you, without being distracted by thinking about the upcoming answer.
• If there are any unclear points in the conversation, immediately ask important questions.
• Listen only to constructive criticism, devoid of exaggeration and unnecessary emotions.
• Do not defend yourself too actively, as this can only encourage the critic.
• Don't immediately criticize back. Be sure to wait at least until the person finishes expressing their complaints to you. Better yet, express your criticism later, in a more comfortable environment.
• Try to remain balanced, restrain your emotions, and listen carefully to other people's speech. Like persistent defensiveness, violent emotional reactions can further irritate the person criticizing you.
• After listening to your interlocutor’s complaints, express your opinion on this issue. Name those things with which you disagree. At the same time, be sure to indicate those points in which the person, in your opinion, is right. When speaking out, try not to blame or humiliate in return.
• If during the conversation you feel that the words of your interlocutor are unpleasant to you, and the criticism is unproductive, it makes sense to avoid continuing the dialogue. Try to express your dissatisfaction in a correct form, explaining the fact that the conversation touches your heartstrings. Invite your interlocutor to continue the conversation when he is ready to express his complaints clearly and tactfully.
• Ignore all “irrelevant” claims when criticizing your interlocutor, focus only on the most important issue.
• If you feel that you have the strength and desire to defend your opinion, do it. Otherwise, communicate your decision to end the conversation. Don't forget that you don't have to prove anything to anyone.

How to become an interesting person and always be an interesting conversationalist?

How not to quarrel with your husband: psychology. Exercise “Interesting person”

People appreciate interesting interlocutors. Such people always find themselves in the center of attention and occupy a leading position in the group. Families that are interested in communicating with each other tend to be strong and have quality friends. How can you become an interesting person and an interesting conversationalist?

The “Interesting Person” exercise will help you with this.

Description of the exercise: Using a minimum of means, I can create the impression of an interesting and highly educated person. It's interesting with me!

How to do it:

1. “The art of speech and gestures.” Learn to speak beautifully, melodiously, combining speech with breathing. Add pauses, good timbre and bright poetic sounds - and overall calm and tranquility.

2. “Lovely surprises.” Jokes: seven decent and seven funny. Make a selection of jokes, phrases, phrases, witticisms and aphorisms and make your speech sparkling. 3. "Poems". Learn to present yourself.

Learn poems: seven unknown or little-known but interesting love poems and seven funny poems (for children or parodies).

4. “The image is great.” Make your appearance interesting, clothes are always selected and combined with accessories. Make your appearance, clothes and accessories interesting. Create your own image, your own style, or better yet several. Learn to be respectable, extravagant, bright, different.

So, your arsenal should be:

• Jokes: seven decent and seven funny.
• Jokes and aphorisms: make a selection of jokes, phrases, phrases, witticisms and aphorisms and make your speech sparkling.
• Poems. Find, learn and learn to recite (present) poems: seven little-known but beautiful poems about love and seven funny poems (for children or parodies).
• Original views: seven blanks.
• Introductory and sayings - a typical set.
• Unexpected education: musical, artistic, literary, historical.

Reasons for constant quarrels with your husband

Constant quarrels in the family can arise due to a break in the partner’s character. This happens when some trait is no longer suitable in a loved one, and a rework begins. He resists and an argument ensues.

At the stage of falling in love, many things seem not particularly important for partners. Over time, problems arise, including financial ones. At first there was enough money, but the priorities were different. Later, desires change, you want something new: the sea, a fur coat, an expensive phone, a car. There may be accusations of big expenses or little earnings.

READ How to return your husband to your family: advice from a psychologist

Problems in the family arise not only because of self-doubt. Pride and high self-esteem also spoil relationships. It is not difficult to understand why quarrels arise; one of the partners simply considers himself better and more worthy than the other. Until a person begins to work on himself, it is difficult to get rid of conflicts in this area.

Quarrels over intimate issues occur with my husband all the time due to mismatched needs. Some people need to have sex more often, others less often. The same preferences and willingness to seek a compromise can weaken the growing anger.

Domestic quarrels often occur. The wife gets tired at work, then comes home and spends the rest of the day in the kitchen. At this time, the husband is lying on the sofa, watching football, reading the newspaper instead of helping his wife. When we women have too many things to do and responsibilities, we don’t have time to take care of ourselves, our hobbies, or even communicate with our children, we constantly quarrel with our husbands about this. Accumulated fatigue can provoke a scandal.

Causes of conflicts in the family

Everyone in the family quarrels: parents and children, brothers and sisters. We can talk endlessly about marital conflicts, it is such a deep and complex topic.

Whatever the reason, you need to tune in to a positive solution to the problem. Don't forget that marriage is the work of two partners. Only through compromise decisions and understanding the position of the opposite side can peace and a favorable atmosphere in the family be achieved.

Provoking factors

There are many reasons why discord occurs:

1. Different views on certain aspects of life. For example, a man dreams of a quiet and peaceful home environment, but this is not enough for a girl. She strives to be in the company of strangers, dreams of a cheerful and daring life, like before marriage.
2. Lack of partner's attention. When you are married, you need to devote enough time to your chosen one. Without this, the relationship will fall apart.
3. Routine troubles. Quarrels over trifles are not as harmless as they seem. Constant tension weakens the bond between partners and does not contribute to strengthening the marriage.
4. Authoritarianism of one of the partners. Trying to fit a loved one into a certain mold will sooner or later cause rejection and discontent.
5. Financial difficulties. The constant lack of money in the family budget does not add romance. Both partners become anxious and irritable, and take out their negative attitudes on each other.
6. Addiction of one of the partners: from the habit of eating at night to gambling and addiction to alcohol or drugs.
7. Weak sexual activity of the couple. People spend too much time together for there to be any romance left in their lives. But the physiological need remains.

Not only a significant reason, but also a trifle can provoke a quarrel. In the second case, a disagreement does not threaten the marriage if it is not the last straw of years of accumulating discontent.

Behavior of spouses in a quarrel

Often scandals over trifles become a normal occurrence in the daily life of a couple. And this does not bring anything good in the future. If you don’t stop in time and start “repairing” your personal life, the marriage may fall apart.

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Karmic relationships: signs, consequences, ways to calculate

But it is not always possible to escape the conflict even if desired. In this case, the expression “Silence is golden” is appropriate. Even if a man begins to raise his voice, it is better to shut up for a while and wait it out so as not to aggravate the situation. Maintaining harmony in a marriage is difficult, because men and women have not only physiological, but also psychological differences.

If your husband left because of scandals: what to do

When we argue with our husband every day, especially over trifles, the husband may leave the house. If he doesn't have a mistress, then there is a chance to get him back, you need to know what to do. This will help:

• talk;
• awareness of the cause of the conflict;
• an offer to start over;
• keeping promises.

First, you need to invite the man to meet and discuss the conflict and his wife’s actions. The request for a meeting should be made in a calm, friendly tone, without threats or blackmail. At the meeting, the reason for the quarrel is discussed. It is better for a woman to admit that she is aware of her mistake. This should be done in a friendly manner.

After an offer to start the relationship again, promising to be better, more adequate, you should stick to your promises. It will be difficult, but if you have a strong desire to return your husband and maintain a warm relationship, you will have to make an effort.

The departure of her husband should become a reason for a woman to think about her character and reconsider her own actions and behavior. When it is difficult to solve a problem on your own and understand yourself, you can turn to a psychologist.

If the spouse does not have the time or desire to discuss family issues

One of the participants in the “Time Management for Moms” course complained that her husband was not actively involved in planning family events and avoided it. The very fact of this passivity bothered her.

When analyzing the situation, we came to the conclusion that the husband (and the wife too) was satisfied with the fact that the wife was in charge of family affairs - the husband had enough of this kind of activity at work. Moreover, my wife was good at it, and she didn’t mind.

The course participants agreed that it is easier if the bulk of the planning is done by one person - the one who sits at home with the child. If you discuss with your husband every trip to the doctor, visiting friends, then this only leads to empty conversations and waste of time, which irritates business people.

In this case, the husband should be involved only when it is really necessary. The easiest way to do this is in the form of choosing from two options. For example: “I have an idea to go to the forest or to a water park for the weekend. Where would you like to go?” Or ask to approve a ready-made solution: “I was looking for a chair for a large room, a folding one, so that in extreme cases my mother could spend the night with us. I took a photo with my phone. Look. Do you approve the purchase?

It is advisable to discuss with your husband the issues of distribution of functions and tasks and ask him what decisions he would like to take part in and what he leaves to his wife. You can also agree in advance on the frequency of discussing family issues so as not to have to do it every evening.

Psychologist's advice

To reduce the number of family quarrels, psychologists advise to look into and understand why they arise and for what reason. You definitely need to learn to listen and hear what your opponent says, as well as respond to him. It is important to discuss problems and grievances.

You should talk with your husband not only when the conflict is discussed, but also on any other topics. To do this, you need to make efforts and expand your horizons.

At the moment of an outburst of rage, the advice of a psychologist recommends counting to ten. During this time, you can become aware of your anger and prevent uttering hurtful words. You should also learn to relax: do yoga, meditation. Harmonious women in a state of peace are able to extinguish their husband’s rage.

READ Toxic relationships in the family and between partners

Family quarrels occur for many reasons - serious and minor. Knowing how to behave during conflict can help you avoid serious relationship disruptions. In order to preserve love and marriage, both partners must work on themselves.

How not to jump from topic to topic when talking.

To be interesting to your husband, you need to be able to have an interesting and exciting conversation. Have interesting topics of conversation that will be attractive not only to her, but also to her husband. It is important when talking not to jump from topic to topic, to be able to close it correctly

Let's learn: It is very useful to talk with your family over lunch or dinner. Each family member has a task: prepare an interesting topic for conversation. While eating we ask: “Who has what topic of conversation? Who is first?"

For example, a wife says: “I have an interesting topic.” Children say: “We have something to share.” My husband’s task: to make sure that no one jumps from topic to topic. If a question comes up and he sees the topic veering a bit, he might ask, “Is this a new topic? Are we postponing or closing this topic?” It is important to learn to keep the topic closed.

What to do if the topics are stressful?

If a topic doesn’t work out or is annoying, we close it. You can offer to talk about something else or just be silent. Other tips: 1. Train yourself to talk about three things:

• about the good;
• about how more good can be done
• and what good things should you do for this?

2. Free your speech from the vocabulary of the Victim. 3. Stop beating yourself up and remove negative thoughts from your head.