The statistics are striking. Half of all divorces occur in the first 3 years of a common child’s life. The birth of a child forever binds a man and a woman. And it divides many. Especially often, the “gap” between spouses widens in the summer, when mother and children go to the countryside or to the sea for a long time, and dad remains in the city to work. So, what exactly is threatening your family with young children?
Of course, both partners make mistakes. But I work with women, I know about women, and it is women I want to warn against the five most common mistakes. Forewarned is forearmed. Your family is worth trying not to commit.
How does a woman’s body change after childbirth?
Even during pregnancy, the female body has undergone many changes. The expectant mother changed both externally and internally. All this was necessary to bear a healthy baby. And if anyone thinks that after he was born, a woman returns to her pre-pregnancy state, then she is deeply mistaken.
- After childbirth, hormones rage in the mother’s body. They contribute to a more equal attitude towards irritating factors, the development of maternal instinct and milk production. The main hormone is prolactin. It not only affects the amount of mother's milk. Thanks to its action, all the woman’s attention is concentrated on the newborn. A mother, feeling a strong connection with her baby, is subconsciously determined to protect him from everything and everyone. This is why there is anxiety for the baby’s life, as well as jealousy towards everyone who wants to communicate with the baby. Is your husband angry after the birth of your child? Is your older child annoying? This is explained by the fact that at first the maternal instinct drowns out all other emotions and feelings, which can cause such an extraordinary reaction.
- If internal or external tears occur during the birth process, the sutures placed on them may hurt and pull for a long time after that. This leaves a peculiar imprint, because there cannot be a feeling of complete physical comfort when something hurts. It is because of these painful sensations that a woman can sometimes become irritated. And for the same reason, she may avoid intimacy with her loved one.
- In the first month after the birth of the baby, the mother may forget about eating on time. And self-care completely fades into the background. Therefore, your own reflection in the mirror for the most part does not evoke pleasant emotions. This influences the emergence of dissatisfaction with oneself. And the hormonal background complements this with thoughts that the woman herself is no longer attractive to her loved one. This definitely affects the relationship with your husband after the birth of a child.
- And, of course, fatigue. The first couple of weeks there is no regime for new parents. The baby eats and sleeps, sleeps and eats. She also cries and asks for attention. Lack of sleep has a direct impact on the emotional background of mom and dad, which cannot but affect their relationship. In this state, it is difficult to control yourself and your words, which is why arguments and showdowns arise.
The head of the family is the baby
When a baby is born into a family, the whole world begins to revolve around him. They try to predict his desires, his daily routine is adjusted to suit him. My husband is also having to rethink his home entertainment. Now he can’t calmly watch football with beer after work, because now there’s a baby sleeping in that room.
He feels like he is losing his monopoly on his wife. If he decided to have sex with her, but during the process the baby woke up and cried, then she will be distracted by him. It seems that the baby has become the head of the family, pushing the husband off the pedestal. So one gets the feeling that the husband has grown cold after giving birth.
This is a temporary phenomenon, when the baby grows up, the parents will be able to restore the status quo so that the child does not lead the family, but is part of it.
The birth of a child creates a stressful situation for both parents
How does life change after the birth of a child? Oddly enough, the burden (both emotional and physical) falls on the shoulders of both parents. Family relationships always change after the birth of a child, since the arrival of a new family member affects the redistribution of all resources: free time, communication, finances. Personal life after the birth of a baby also undergoes changes, especially if the child is the first. It turns out that these changes affect both mom and dad. Although sometimes it seems to each of them that only he is having a hard time. A crisis in the family after the birth of a baby occurs when there is no mutual understanding and desire to understand each other between parents.
Excessively child-centric lifestyle
Child-centricity is a sign of our time. Everything for children, for their happy childhood. Plans for the weekend: a children's entertainment center, a park and a shopping center, buy educational toys and a bicycle for the child. Plans for the evening: story games with the child, watching cartoons. Plans for the night: listen to a webinar on parenting.
It’s hard to believe, but such a imbalance does not benefit not only the relationship between parents, but also the children themselves. Children are important, of course. Their needs are important, their development, their joys are important. But parents are also important. And their needs, interests and, scary to say, pleasures are also important.
The first step to fixing this is to plan fun activities for both kids and adults this coming weekend.
The birth of a child is a truly serious test for a couple. Fatigue, sleepless nights, no time for each other. You can go through this test on different sides of the barricades, being disappointed and offended by injustice. Or we can do it together, in the same boat. Acknowledging both her and his fatigue. Supporting each other. Always trying to understand and feel: what is happening to my loved one now? What does your soul hurt about? What does he dream about? And talking about yourself.
The situation through the eyes of men
With the birth of a baby, a man becomes the only breadwinner in the family. He is responsible for feeding the whole family. The workload becomes greater, since a fairly large amount of money is spent on daily child care (diapers, wipes, diapers, etc.). The nutrition of a nursing mother should also be complete, and high-quality products are not cheap. In addition, there are also household expenses. In this regard, many dads have to find part-time work. Therefore, the level of fatigue increases.
If a woman devotes all her time to the baby, the man may feel unwanted. And this is understandable. Before the baby was born there was tenderness, affection, spending time together, but now all this has gone somewhere. It is difficult for a young father to imagine what is happening to his wife at this moment, so there may be a feeling that the woman he loves has changed and all the love has passed.
The lack of intimacy also leaves its mark. Some couples stop having sex during pregnancy for medical reasons or personal reasons. Thinking that abstinence will end after childbirth leads to disappointment. After all, doctors prohibit sex immediately after the birth of a child. Many problems in the family after the birth of a long-awaited child arise precisely because of a long lack of intimacy between spouses.
Imagine the situation: an irritated and tired wife, a crying child, fatigue, lack of full communication - all this affects a man’s behavior, especially when it seems to him that no one wants to understand him.
The wife has completely turned into a mommy
Of course, many women are overwhelmed by motherhood. You want to surround your baby with affection, call him funny nicknames, like pie, bun or candy.
Problems in the sexual life of spouses begin when the wife cannot switch from mommy to wife and continues to behave with her husband like a child. It is quite understandable that he gets tired of this kindergarten pretty quickly.
But such women are often sincerely perplexed: “Why did my husband lose interest in me after giving birth?” He wants to feel like a man, the head of the family, and not just another child.
Peculiarities of female perception
In turn, a woman may feel that her husband does not want to help her with the baby, that all worries fall on her fragile shoulders. Despite the fact that initially it was possible to distribute responsibilities, mom tries to take on all the tasks. And then she begins to suffer because no one understands how tired she is. This behavior can be explained by hormone surges. Also, one should not exclude a woman’s desire to prove to everyone that she is strong and can cope with all worries and problems. Perfectionism, which is inherent in many modern mothers to varying degrees, can also play a role.
It is also worth remembering how a new mother perceives changes in her appearance. When she loses self-confidence, she begins to feel like her husband doesn’t like her either. And this can develop either into excessive demands towards the spouse, or into irritation, which keeps growing and growing.
If this baby is not the first in the family, then after the birth of the youngest child the relationship with the eldest may deteriorate. This is explained by the fact that the mother concentrates more on the newborn, and the need of other children (or a child) for her attention, which can sometimes manifest itself in not very good behavior and whims, is perceived as an irritating factor.
Since female perception is heightened at such a moment, the mother feels all her emotions very clearly. It seems to her that she stopped loving her husband after the birth of her child, and she has no idea how to get over it. Excessive fatigue and the amount of worries, superimposed on all this, can ultimately lead to depression, which will no longer be possible to cope with without the help of specialists.
Is it always the husband's fault?
Unfortunately, there are often situations when, after giving birth, a woman really does not receive help from her husband, gets bogged down in household chores, burdens the whole family, and suffers neglect and hurtful comments about her appearance from her husband. In this case, anger, resentment and irritation are quite normal reactions. The husband who does not want to reconsider his behavior is really to blame here.
But it also happens that the spouse tries his best, and the irritation in the marriage comes from the woman. And there are not always adequate reasons for this. Representatives of the fairer sex are excellent at creating a problem in their heads, and then projecting it into reality, even under normal conditions. What can we say about the period after childbirth, when hormones are raging, confidence in one’s attractiveness is at zero, and due to chronic fatigue, heart-rending self-pity appears. Against this background, creating a situation in which the husband finds himself in the role of a villain is as easy as shelling pears. Moreover, the spouse does not even need to do anything for this. For clarity, let's look at a few examples:
· my husband didn’t invite me to the corporate party, which means he’s embarrassed by my appearance and doesn’t want to show me off to his colleagues; · my husband is a rock, because he was tired at work and didn’t want intimacy - that means he considers me unattractive, he stopped loving me, and he has someone else; · came home from work and immediately lay down on the sofa in front of the TV - he doesn’t understand how difficult it is for me to be alone with my child, which means he doesn’t love me at all; · my husband ordered pizza and said that he didn’t want me to strain at the stove - he wasn’t happy with the way I cooked, but I try so hard for him, despite being busy with caring for the child; · to the question: “What do I look like,” my husband answered “normal” - in fact, he considers me ugly, because I gained a lot of weight during pregnancy. There are a huge number of such examples. Of course, sometimes such guesses are really justified and truthful, but in most cases, a woman thinks up something that actually isn’t there and gets offended by her husband, without telling the reason for her offense. As a result, the spouse is confused, not understanding what he did wrong.
If you live with your parents
Living together with the husband's or wife's parents also affects peace in a young family. Both men and women generally try to maintain good relations with the parents of their spouse, even if there are some difficulties with this. But living together with them is more difficult than just regular meetings at family gatherings. Even a husband and wife can quarrel among themselves, rubbing against each other. And, no matter how much respect you have for your spouse’s parents, during “close” communication, in any case, some conflict situations will arise.
More often it happens that a young family lives with the husband’s parents. The relationship between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law is a special topic. In the case where there is a place for conflicts in their relationship, after the birth of the baby the situation may worsen.
As a rule, having extensive experience in raising children, the mother-in-law will not miss the opportunity to give valuable advice or correct her daughter-in-law in something. Heightened maternal perception at this moment can lead to a quarrel. Also, a woman can be stressed by overprotection, which sometimes manifests itself in the grandmother’s care for her own grandson (or granddaughter). She experiences very strong jealousy at this moment, which is caused to some extent by hormones.
Such problems usually result in quarrels between mom and dad, if the new mother does not find the courage to object to her mother-in-law. The man is offended that his wife cannot find a common language with his mother. The woman is upset that she does not see, as it seems to her, proper protection in her husband. Often, it is precisely because a young family lives together with the parents of one of the spouses that passions arise so intense that divorce after the birth of a child seems inevitable.
Adjacent to the “children’s camp”
Do you say “we” and “he” when referring to you and your children and your husband?
I hear this very often: “Dad doesn’t like to go out with us,” “My husband is not interested in our life.” When a woman perceives her family like this: there is me with the children and there is a husband, then the man feels excluded from the relationship and unnecessary. He comes home - his wife and children have their own lives, it’s like he’s superfluous. And he usually doesn’t resist for long - he goes into his gadgets or is increasingly physically absent: he stays late at work, drinks beer with friends, and so on. A much healthier division into “camps”: parents and children. My husband and I and they (he).
Yes, it’s easier not to fall into this trap than to get out of it. It’s especially addictive if there are children with a small age difference. The solution is to first deliberately create situations in which adults are on one side and children are on the other.
The first step to correction: when your husband comes home from work, make your communication with him a priority. A baby is usually no obstacle to this. An older child can (oh horror!) turn on cartoons for half an hour. And if children interrupt your conversation, say: “Mom and dad are talking. Do you have something urgent?”
How to improve your relationship with your husband?
- How to save a family after the birth of a child? The best way to change a tense situation is to talk openly with each other. Try to understand what exactly your spouse is experiencing and why the problems arose. It is necessary to express your feelings and vision of the problem completely calmly, without shouting or hysterics. Talking can help you find common ground and come to the understanding that you are family. And this means that problems need to be solved together.
- Some mothers say: “My husband went to sleep in another room after the birth of the child. And it’s more convenient for me this way.” Do not forget that, whatever the situation in the family, such distance from each other will only lead to the fact that the relationship will become colder over time. Try not to let this happen. Let your spouse understand that without his hugs, without the opportunity to lie with each other and talk about something when the baby has already fallen asleep, you feel bad. Start taking the initiative - hug your tired husband more often, be gentle, don’t start making complaints right away. This may help correct the situation.
- If your husband does not want intimacy after the birth of the child, think about whether you are the reason for this. Long-term abstinence is difficult for men, and if there is no sex for a long time even after the baby is born, this can affect a gradual decrease in desire. Indeed, in family relationships, the desire for intimacy should be mutual. Of course, now it has faded into the background, because, first of all, it is necessary to take care of the baby, but even in this situation it is necessary to set priorities wisely. You should not plunge headlong into caring for your child, forgetting about everything else. And if your reluctance to have intimacy arises due to painful sensations in the genital area, consult a doctor to rule out the presence of any pathologies.
- Don't forget that you are not only a mother, but also a woman. Having built a daily routine, you will be able to devote at least some time to yourself. Get a new hairstyle, buy home clothes that you like, find an opportunity to soak in the bathroom. If you are desperately short of time, ask your husband or your mother for help. Your man will be pleased that you take care of yourself. And you, in turn, will be able to feel more confident in yourself, which will have a positive effect on your relationship.
- Distribute responsibilities. Yes, dad also needs to feel like a father. Together you will be able to cope with difficulties more easily. And how nice it is to rejoice at some new successes of the baby, all the changes happening to him, if you both take part in caring for him. Of course, not every man finds it easy to change a diaper the first time, but this does not mean that he should be deprived of the opportunity to learn how to do it.
- Try to find time to communicate with each other. Your baby will grow up and eventually start his own family, but you need to work on the relationships in your family. And the birth of a child should not become an obstacle to a good relationship. By asking parents to sit with the baby during his nap, you can go to the cinema or to a cafe, or even just for a walk. Communicate with each other. Communication plays a big role in family relationships.
- Treat temporary difficulties with humor. Laughter is a great medicine. Especially if you and your husband can laugh at something together. And if it seems to you that everything is very bad now, think that this is temporary. The child will grow up and it will become easier. Remember how good it was for you at the very beginning of the relationship, how you went on dates and spent time together. Remember all the tenderness that was between you. Remind your husband of this. Show by your attitude towards him that nothing has changed. Then you will be able to survive this period without unnecessary problems.
What to do if you can’t resolve a conflict situation at all?
In some cases the situation goes too far. And sometimes you can’t do it without the help of specialists. Not all married couples are ready to admit this, not everyone wants to talk about their problems. However, consulting a family psychologist can have a positive impact on the relationship between husband and wife. Therefore, if you cannot resolve the situation on your own, consider seeking help from someone who can help you understand your problems.
It also happens that a woman may experience postpartum depression, which is caused by the action of hormones. Knowing this, the husband should not sort things out with his wife or wait for this to pass. It’s better to find a specialist who will prescribe therapy and help your beloved woman get out of this “pool.”
