What to do if your relationship with your husband deteriorates after the birth of a child?

The birth of a child in a family is, of course, a great happiness. But immediately after arriving from the maternity hospital, the life of the spouses, especially the young mother, changes dramatically.

Constant worries about the baby, eternal lack of sleep, refusal of entertainment and dissatisfaction with one’s own appearance - all this deals a powerful blow to a woman’s psyche. And then the spouse, as if on purpose, does everything wrong and constantly falls under the hot hand.

As a result, the hopes that after the birth of the child the couple’s relationship would become more tender and stronger were not justified, but rather the opposite - the family was on the verge of collapse. Why do many women become enraged by their husbands after childbirth? How can a young mother cope with irritability and what can be done to save the family during this difficult period?

How does a woman’s body change after childbirth?

Even during pregnancy, the female body has undergone many changes. The expectant mother changed both externally and internally. All this was necessary to bear a healthy baby. And if anyone thinks that after he was born, a woman returns to her pre-pregnancy state, then she is deeply mistaken.

• After childbirth, hormones rage in the mother’s body. They contribute to a more equal attitude towards irritating factors, the development of maternal instinct and milk production. The main hormone is prolactin. It not only affects the amount of mother's milk. Thanks to its action, all the woman’s attention is concentrated on the newborn. A mother, feeling a strong connection with her baby, is subconsciously determined to protect him from everything and everyone. This is why there is anxiety for the baby’s life, as well as jealousy towards everyone who wants to communicate with the baby. Is your husband angry after the birth of your child? Is your older child annoying? This is explained by the fact that at first the maternal instinct drowns out all other emotions and feelings, which can cause such an extraordinary reaction.
• If internal or external tears occur during the birth process, the sutures placed on them may hurt and pull for a long time after that. This leaves a peculiar imprint, because there cannot be a feeling of complete physical comfort when something hurts. It is because of these painful sensations that a woman can sometimes become irritated. And for the same reason, she may avoid intimacy with her loved one.
• In the first month after the birth of the baby, the mother may forget about eating on time. And self-care completely fades into the background. Therefore, your own reflection in the mirror for the most part does not evoke pleasant emotions. This influences the emergence of dissatisfaction with oneself. And the hormonal background complements this with thoughts that the woman herself is no longer attractive to her loved one. This definitely affects the relationship with your husband after the birth of a child.
• And, of course, fatigue. The first couple of weeks there is no regime for new parents. The baby eats and sleeps, sleeps and eats. She also cries and asks for attention. Lack of sleep has a direct impact on the emotional background of mom and dad, which cannot but affect their relationship. In this state, it is difficult to control yourself and your words, which is why arguments and showdowns arise.

How to solve family problems

As you can see, if your husband has become annoying, many reasons can contribute to this. This does not mean that the feelings have passed or that the relationship has become smaller. It’s just that this is a difficult period in the family, which is quite possible to survive. So, how to improve the situation in a family where a child has appeared?

1. Talk, discuss problems, try to develop a joint solution plan. Recognizing that you may have different ways of caring for your child is also important.
2. Be positive and patient, humorous, understanding, and willing to find new ways to express physical affection until you both feel ready to have sex again.
3. Open and honest communication is vital in any relationship—and especially for new parents. If there is tension: take time to talk when you both feel calm; listen and try to understand your partner's point of view; avoid criticism or blame;
4. Postnatal depression can affect both moms and dads and has a big impact on relationships. If you think you or your partner are suffering from depression, then supporting each other and seeking help is really important.
5. Having a baby can lead to closer relationships with friends and family than you expect, and other people may become distant. But there will always be those who can support and help. For many parents, the support that grandparents, other relatives, friends and even neighbors can offer can be invaluable. It can be extremely beneficial to the emotional well-being of postnatal parents, so don't be afraid to ask for or accept help.
6. Taking care of yourself as a couple is important. Because if you're happy, you're more likely to be happy in your role as a parent. Take time for yourself as a couple. Chat with friends, sometimes log in from home, relax.

The birth of a child creates a stressful situation for both parents

How does life change after the birth of a child? Oddly enough, the burden (both emotional and physical) falls on the shoulders of both parents. Family relationships always change after the birth of a child, since the arrival of a new family member affects the redistribution of all resources: free time, communication, finances. Personal life after the birth of a baby also undergoes changes, especially if the child is the first. It turns out that these changes affect both mom and dad. Although sometimes it seems to each of them that only he is having a hard time. A crisis in the family after the birth of a baby occurs when there is no mutual understanding and desire to understand each other between parents.

Expert opinion

We will entrust the summary of today’s conversation to specialist Olga Vladimirovna Kuznetsova, psychologist, teacher at the Pedagogical Institute. A short quick interview will bring together everything that has been said today and will provide guidance for a cloudless future of family life.

— Olga Vladimirovna, in your opinion, what is the reason for the family crisis after the birth of a child?

“When a baby appears in the family, everything concentrates on him. Mom gives him her love, affection and care. And in this situation, dad may feel useless. He may feel that he is forgotten and abandoned, that he is given little love and care. And here the situation can develop in two ways.

The first way to develop relationships: a new “baby” will appear in the house. It is our dad who begins to “be capricious”, or simply avoids the place where “they don’t like him now.” In this situation, the mother remains the strongest. The psychological situation in such a house is unfavorable. And for the baby it is very important. Although he does not understand words yet, he picks up intonation very well.

In general, under no circumstances should you use a child for your own purposes “to strengthen the family” or “to keep your husband.” It is unacceptable to shift responsibility for one’s actions and mistakes onto a small, defenseless child, or to dump one’s problems on him. Only the spouses themselves are responsible for them, both of them.

The second way: a real adult, self-sufficient man appears in the house, who looks at things sensibly, without illusions, and is ready to be strong. His love for the baby and for the mother helps him; he understands that in this situation the baby needs more care than he does. And my mother really needs his support and help. And in order not to be alone with himself or with his “abandonment,” such a dad begins to HELP. And after a while he feels that he is very needed, that he is very loved and expected.

In general, in life it is best to get rid of negative thoughts by starting to do something, and it is better to help those who need help. Inner satisfaction from good done is the best medicine.

- How to solve this problem?

— There are no universal techniques. Each family has its own problems and its own reasons; each family is individual and unique. In complex cases, it is necessary to understand each specific situation. In general, we can say the following: the birth of a child is a test for any relationship, and how the family passes this test depends on both the husband and the wife. If the relationship between husband and wife is built on love, mutual respect, trust, then such a test will only strengthen them. Loving spouses support each other without demanding anything in return.

The situation through the eyes of men

With the birth of a baby, a man becomes the only breadwinner in the family. He is responsible for feeding the whole family. The workload becomes greater, since a fairly large amount of money is spent on daily child care (diapers, wipes, diapers, etc.). The nutrition of a nursing mother should also be complete, and high-quality products are not cheap. In addition, there are also household expenses. In this regard, many dads have to find part-time work. Therefore, the level of fatigue increases.

If a woman devotes all her time to the baby, the man may feel unwanted. And this is understandable. Before the baby was born there was tenderness, affection, spending time together, but now all this has gone somewhere. It is difficult for a young father to imagine what is happening to his wife at this moment, so there may be a feeling that the woman he loves has changed and all the love has passed.

The lack of intimacy also leaves its mark. Some couples stop having sex during pregnancy for medical reasons or personal reasons. Thinking that abstinence will end after childbirth leads to disappointment. After all, doctors prohibit sex immediately after the birth of a child. Many problems in the family after the birth of a long-awaited child arise precisely because of a long lack of intimacy between spouses.

Imagine the situation: an irritated and tired wife, a crying child, fatigue, lack of full communication - all this affects a man’s behavior, especially when it seems to him that no one wants to understand him.

Peculiarities of female perception

In turn, a woman may feel that her husband does not want to help her with the baby, that all worries fall on her fragile shoulders. Despite the fact that initially it was possible to distribute responsibilities, mom tries to take on all the tasks. And then she begins to suffer because no one understands how tired she is. This behavior can be explained by hormone surges. Also, one should not exclude a woman’s desire to prove to everyone that she is strong and can cope with all worries and problems. Perfectionism, which is inherent in many modern mothers to varying degrees, can also play a role.

It is also worth remembering how a new mother perceives changes in her appearance. When she loses self-confidence, she begins to feel like her husband doesn’t like her either. And this can develop either into excessive demands towards the spouse, or into irritation, which keeps growing and growing.

If this baby is not the first in the family, then after the birth of the youngest child the relationship with the eldest may deteriorate. This is explained by the fact that the mother concentrates more on the newborn, and the need of other children (or a child) for her attention, which can sometimes manifest itself in not very good behavior and whims, is perceived as an irritating factor.

Since female perception is heightened at such a moment, the mother feels all her emotions very clearly. It seems to her that she stopped loving her husband after the birth of her child, and she has no idea how to get over it. Excessive fatigue and the amount of worries, superimposed on all this, can ultimately lead to depression, which will no longer be possible to cope with without the help of specialists.

Advice from psychologists

When faced with the problem of hostility towards your spouse, you should familiarize yourself with the recommendations of psychologists and try to correct the situation .

What to do?

What should I do if my own husband began to annoy me? First you need to carefully analyze your own emotions and try to find an explanation for them.

If the irritation is associated with hormonal changes during pregnancy or after childbirth, or with the grinding-in period during the beginning of life together, then such a condition will soon go away on its own.

You just need to be patient and strengthen your self-control , since the absence of direct guilt on the part of a man is a serious reason to start working on yourself.

If irritation is caused by a specific negative behavior of a partner (insults, does not help with the child, does not fulfill obligations around the house, etc.), you should try to talk to him and explain what specific actions of his cause irritation.

A man who values ​​his family will definitely pay attention to the complaints of his other half and try to improve.

Basic recommendations from psychologists that should be followed:

1. Assess the situation soberly. Having realized that the feeling of irritation towards her partner has become persistent, a woman should try to calmly think about the situation and listen to herself.
   Often, a simple analysis of one’s own behavior and existing complaints against a man will show that the problem lies in elementary fatigue and apathy.
2. Remember the beginning of the novel. We should remember the beginning of the novel, when, in the midst of falling in love with a partner, all his shortcomings were simply not noticed or were mistaken for advantages. We need to remind ourselves what qualities of his at that time aroused sympathy. Romantic memories will help a woman awaken dormant feelings and realize how valuable her husband really is to her.
3. Imagine that the relationship is over. This is the most effective way to assess the degree of importance of a person to us. You need to imagine that your spouse is no longer around and the likelihood of meeting him is reduced to zero. It is important to try to recognize what emotions arise at such a moment. If it is fear, confusion, melancholy, sadness, then the feelings have not gone away, the person is still dear.
4. Find new joint hobbies. Any couple gradually gets bogged down in the routine that most of family life consists of. Gradually, the spouse begins to be perceived as a breadwinner, a father of children, a friend, a partner, but not as a beloved man. It is important to try to escape from everyday problems at least for a while and find common hobbies and go on a romantic trip.
5. Show interest. No matter how much your spouse makes you nervous, you need to try to maintain emotional contact. Touching, hugging, kissing, talking, walking together and a rich intimate life will help bring back the former passion to the relationship.
6. Expand your personal space. Perhaps irritation is caused by excess communication.
   In this case, you should be alone more often. And we are not talking about locking ourselves in the next room. You need to go on solo walks, go to workouts, meet with friends, take up hobbies outside the home. All this will help take your mind off the family routine.

If you live with your parents

Living together with the husband's or wife's parents also affects peace in a young family. Both men and women generally try to maintain good relations with the parents of their spouse, even if there are some difficulties with this. But living together with them is more difficult than just regular meetings at family gatherings. Even a husband and wife can quarrel among themselves, rubbing against each other. And, no matter how much respect you have for your spouse’s parents, during “close” communication, in any case, some conflict situations will arise.

More often it happens that a young family lives with the husband’s parents. The relationship between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law is a special topic. In the case where there is a place for conflicts in their relationship, after the birth of the baby the situation may worsen.

As a rule, having extensive experience in raising children, the mother-in-law will not miss the opportunity to give valuable advice or correct her daughter-in-law in something. Heightened maternal perception at this moment can lead to a quarrel. Also, a woman can be stressed by overprotection, which sometimes manifests itself in the grandmother’s care for her own grandson (or granddaughter). She experiences very strong jealousy at this moment, which is caused to some extent by hormones.

Such problems usually result in quarrels between mom and dad, if the new mother does not find the courage to object to her mother-in-law. The man is offended that his wife cannot find a common language with his mother. The woman is upset that she does not see, as it seems to her, proper protection in her husband. Often, it is precisely because a young family lives together with the parents of one of the spouses that passions arise so intense that divorce after the birth of a child seems inevitable.

How to improve your relationship with your husband?

1. How to save a family after the birth of a child? The best way to change a tense situation is to talk openly with each other. Try to understand what exactly your spouse is experiencing and why the problems arose. It is necessary to express your feelings and vision of the problem completely calmly, without shouting or hysterics. Talking can help you find common ground and come to the understanding that you are family. And this means that problems need to be solved together.
2. Some mothers say: “My husband went to sleep in another room after the birth of the child. And it’s more convenient for me this way.” Do not forget that, whatever the situation in the family, such distance from each other will only lead to the fact that the relationship will become colder over time. Try not to let this happen. Let your spouse understand that without his hugs, without the opportunity to lie with each other and talk about something when the baby has already fallen asleep, you feel bad. Start taking the initiative - hug your tired husband more often, be gentle, don’t start making complaints right away. This may help correct the situation.
3. If your husband does not want intimacy after the birth of the child, think about whether you are the reason for this. Long-term abstinence is difficult for men, and if there is no sex for a long time even after the baby is born, this can affect a gradual decrease in desire. Indeed, in family relationships, the desire for intimacy should be mutual. Of course, now it has faded into the background, because, first of all, it is necessary to take care of the baby, but even in this situation it is necessary to set priorities wisely. You should not plunge headlong into caring for your child, forgetting about everything else. And if your reluctance to have intimacy arises due to painful sensations in the genital area, consult a doctor to rule out the presence of any pathologies.
4. Don't forget that you are not only a mother, but also a woman. Having built a daily routine, you will be able to devote at least some time to yourself. Get a new hairstyle, buy home clothes that you like, find an opportunity to soak in the bathroom. If you are desperately short of time, ask your husband or your mother for help. Your man will be pleased that you take care of yourself. And you, in turn, will be able to feel more confident in yourself, which will have a positive effect on your relationship.
5. Distribute responsibilities. Yes, dad also needs to feel like a father. Together you will be able to cope with difficulties more easily. And how nice it is to rejoice at some new successes of the baby, all the changes happening to him, if you both take part in caring for him. Of course, not every man finds it easy to change a diaper the first time, but this does not mean that he should be deprived of the opportunity to learn how to do it.
6. Try to find time to communicate with each other. Your baby will grow up and eventually start his own family, but you need to work on the relationships in your family. And the birth of a child should not become an obstacle to a good relationship. By asking parents to sit with the baby during his nap, you can go to the cinema or to a cafe, or even just for a walk. Communicate with each other. Communication plays a big role in family relationships.
7. Treat temporary difficulties with humor. Laughter is a great medicine. Especially if you and your husband can laugh at something together. And if it seems to you that everything is very bad now, think that this is temporary. The child will grow up and it will become easier. Remember how good it was for you at the very beginning of the relationship, how you went on dates and spent time together. Remember all the tenderness that was between you. Remind your husband of this. Show by your attitude towards him that nothing has changed. Then you will be able to survive this period without unnecessary problems.

Family relationships after the birth of a child: conflicts and overcoming them

Family relationships after the birth of a child: conflicts and overcoming them
The birth of a child is the most important stage in the relationship between a man and a woman. But, unfortunately, it often happens that this joyful event becomes the beginning of a number of conflicts in a young family. The birth of a baby inevitably entails significant changes in the family structure. The burden that falls on the shoulders of both parents in this regard can cause increasing tension in the relationship between spouses, cause misunderstandings, mutual insults, quarrels, disappointment in each other, etc. But how can you protect your family from emerging conflicts and maintain warm and tender relationships even in such difficult conditions?

Conflicts that arise in a young family after the birth of a baby are usually caused by a violation of mutual understanding between spouses. Caring for a child is not an easy task, requiring maximum dedication on the part of parents. Lack of free time, chronic fatigue, and often financial difficulties become constant companions in the lives of young parents. In such conditions, maintaining patience, sober thinking, sensitivity and attention towards each other becomes quite difficult. And the result of this, as a rule, is tense relationships, frequent quarrels, and often the alienation of spouses from each other.

“Friction” between family members after the birth of a baby is inevitable, but sometimes a crisis situation can occur in particularly acute forms. This happens when too little time passes between the young people meeting and the birth of their child. Most often, one of the spouses, usually a man, turns out to be psychologically unprepared for such dramatic changes in his life. He considers himself a victim of the current situation and perceives the birth of a child not as a desired event, but as a forced inevitability. As a result, the other parent often takes responsibility not only for raising the child, but also for the peace of mind of their spouse. Of course, such a load turns out to be unbearable and can cause prolonged depression. And this in most cases entails the breakdown of the family.

But conflict situations also occur when the birth of a child was a conscious and desired step for both spouses. This arises as a result of the inability to tolerate the changes that occur in each other after the birth of the baby. Often one of the parents evaluates the other’s behavior as inadequate, and considers his reactions to what is happening to be exaggerated. Without trying to understand the reasons for this behavior, he denies its reasonableness and begins to actively express his dissatisfaction. It is the inability to understand the experiences of another that is the basis of the overwhelming number of conflicts in a young family.

Very often, problems in the family after the birth of a child arise due to the depressed state of the mother. And there may be plenty of reasons for this condition. The main one is excessive physical activity. Carrying a child in her arms, lifting a stroller, and a huge series of household chores lead a woman to overwork. The picture becomes even darker when you consider the lack of sleep and hormonal changes in her body. A woman’s tension also increases due to the inability to devote time to herself and satisfy her needs and desires. The baby takes up so much time from the mother that she is completely deprived of the opportunity to plan it in accordance with her desires. Isolation from the outside world, lack of impressions and communication complicate her situation even more. And with all this, one should also take into account the special psychological state that accompanies the life of a pregnant woman and a young mother. As a rule, a woman during this period feels especially vulnerable and vulnerable, and therefore needs more protection, care and support.

But the husband’s position cannot be called enviable. Due to the lack of paternal instinct, getting used to the new order of life turns out to be more difficult for him than for a woman. Moreover, during this period, the financial responsibility that falls on him also increases, because now he has to take care of the financial well-being of the entire family alone. Thus, both parents simultaneously find themselves in a stressful situation, focus on their own problems and experiences and cannot soberly assess what is happening to each other.

Often the cause of problems that arise in a young family is the husband’s feeling of inferiority. It often happens that a woman caring for a baby refuses frequent sexual relations. This can happen for many reasons: postpartum pain, stitches, chronic fatigue, nervous exhaustion, etc. Moreover, a woman, absorbed in caring for a child, becomes less attentive to her husband than she was before the birth of the baby. And this, as a rule, gives rise to a feeling of jealousy and a feeling of uselessness in a man. A man who feels shifted from the center to the periphery begins to look for an outlet outside the family. He looks for a reason to stay late at work, prefers to spend more time with friends, and organizes his vacation without the participation of his wife and child. The resentment of a woman who is financially dependent on her husband and cannot leave a child is intensified by this even more.

Another reason is the husband’s reluctance to participate in child care and take on the burden of housework. It is important to understand that such behavior is not always the result of a man’s whim. Most often it is caused by the lack of experience he received from his parents. A man can copy the type of behavior and value system that was accepted in his family. In the past, caring for a newborn child was considered an exclusively female prerogative; men took almost no part in it, therefore they did not accumulate the necessary experience of fatherhood, which they could in due time pass on to their children. However, insufficient participation of the father in raising the child contributes to family disunity. Therefore, nowadays many men strive to take an active part in caring for their baby from the very moment of his birth.

The basis of the conflict between spouses can be a difference in views on raising children, as well as relationships with their own parents. The older generation often tries to influence the upbringing of their grandchildren, based on their ideas and experience, but this prevents the young family from maintaining their independence and identity. In this case, young parents need to learn to show firmness and perseverance.

If conflicts that arise in a young family are not resolved in a timely manner, this threatens divorce and family breakup. As a rule, around the third year of the baby’s life, it becomes unbearable for the spouses to endure the current situation. Moreover, by this time the alienation of the spouses from each other reaches its limit, and the emotional connection between them collapses.

To avoid this outcome, you need to take the necessary measures even before the birth of the child. Young people must soberly assess the complexity of the upcoming stage and prepare for possible conflicts in advance. This will help reduce the number of stressful situations. Spouses should discuss some rules of behavior in the family. This concerns the distribution of responsibilities, the organization of family leisure, the system of raising a child, and many others. At the same time, both spouses must be willing to compromise. Discussions should continue until an option is found that suits both parties equally. A woman needs to get used to following the agreed upon rules already during her pregnancy. A man should already at this time get used to performing at least part of the household duties; this will allow him to more easily adapt to the upcoming changes and protect his wife from a nervous breakdown. Both wife and husband must be willing to give up some of their independence when preparing for the birth of a child.

If you find yourself in a difficult situation while raising a child, it is very important to be able to remain patient and attentive to each other. It is necessary to participate in the experiences of your other half, strive to understand her feelings and be ready to provide maximum help. It will be a big plus if the wife and husband can periodically leave the baby with a nanny or grandparents and spend at least a short time alone.

But if you cannot cope with a crisis situation on your own, you need to use the services of a qualified psychologist or psychotherapist. Remember that the well-being of your family and the mental health of your child are at stake, and therefore you should not refuse the help of a specialist.

Resolving conflicts after the birth of a child is possible only if both parents are able to equally show flexibility and wisdom, be sensitive to each other, can refuse to follow stereotypes and are sometimes ready to make a concession.

Strong relationships between spouses are the key to family well-being and the mental health of the child. The appearance of a new family member inevitably entails certain difficulties and conflict situations in the life of a young family. But the ability to overcome emerging conflicts creates conditions for the normal development of the baby, strengthens the marital union, and protects the family from crisis situations in the future.

Author: Alexandra Frolova for the website therapy.by a

What to do if you can’t resolve a conflict situation at all?

In some cases the situation goes too far. And sometimes you can’t do it without the help of specialists. Not all married couples are ready to admit this, not everyone wants to talk about their problems. However, consulting a family psychologist can have a positive impact on the relationship between husband and wife. Therefore, if you cannot resolve the situation on your own, consider seeking help from someone who can help you understand your problems.

It also happens that a woman may experience postpartum depression, which is caused by the action of hormones. Knowing this, the husband should not sort things out with his wife or wait for this to pass. It’s better to find a specialist who will prescribe therapy and help your beloved woman get out of this “pool.”