Abusive parent: signs, what to do, consequences

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Dysfunctional families are a breeding ground for the development of unhealthy behavior in children in the future. What factors could contribute to this?

Of course, genetics contribute to one scenario or another. There is increased aggressiveness, a tendency towards sociopathy and other congenital characteristics. However, despite the fact that most studies show their significant contribution to the formation of abusive or sacrificial behavior - from 35% to 50%, the family (or what replaces it) turns out to be the main institution shaping human behavior. That is, even with not the best inclinations, a healthy family is able to significantly correct potential destructive behavior.

In short, toxic parents are highly likely to produce toxic children and, subsequently, adults with abusive and sacrificial behavior.

At the same time, people with normal behavior, healthy self-esteem, capable of fulfilling relationships and joy in life can emerge from dysfunctional families. So, a toxic parental family is not a death sentence, but, nevertheless, a strong incentive for the development of toxic behavior in the future.

Definition of the concept

Abusive parents are people who periodically commit physical, psychological, financial or emotional violence against their own child. It may consist of ignoring his needs, manipulation, humiliation, screaming, causing physical harm and other manifestations.

Parental abuse can manifest itself in various forms:

• physical (assault, torture, corporal punishment);
• sexual (violent actions against a child, from which the parent receives satisfaction);
• emotional (psychological suppression of the child’s personality, manipulation, devaluation of his actions and achievements);
• ignoring the child’s needs (medical, physical, emotional).

Such a toxic attitude has a strong impact on the psyche and leaves its mark on the lives of older children. It is very difficult to get rid of all negative attitudes, work through this topic and regain adequate self-esteem. This is only possible with a strong desire and long-term therapy with a psychologist.

Invisible tower: abusive mother

The Vyshka

06.04.2019 22:15

Domestic violence towards a child often refers to physical violence: when he is beaten or when alcoholic parents starve him to death. But you can cause harm and make life unbearable not only with the help of physical force. And the main aggressor does not have to be the father—the heroine of the new “Invisible” spoke about an abusive relationship with her mother.

About the family situation

It all started a long time ago, I don’t even remember when, let’s say when I was 4 years old - from that time I have some formalized memories. This manifested itself in constant causeless scandals, quarrels, even in the most harmless things. Mom just didn’t like something, and she started yelling at me at the slightest provocation, or mom was in a bad mood - she took it out on the children. Sometimes psychological pressure turned into physical force, but quite rarely.

One day I was talking with a neighbor and stayed late, and when I came home, my mother gave me a dressing down. “You're a talker. You shouldn't talk to your neighbors much. You should have only said “hello, goodbye”, because you are a child, and they are adults, how can you speak to them as equals? Are you stupid to tell your neighbors about how we live? You are spineless, spineless." Moreover, she found out about the conversation simply by looking out the window; she didn’t even know what we talked about.

Mom could have said a lot more, but most often she told me that I was a spineless amoeba and that I was nothing of myself. There were also more difficult moments - when I got a C at school, did something wrong or didn’t wash the dishes. Then my mother transferred everything to herself and began to manipulate me, saying that I didn’t help and didn’t do anything because I wanted her dead.

When I was choosing where to study, I told him that I wanted to go to law school in Moscow or St. Petersburg. She blackmailed me: “You don’t think about your mother at all, your mother is sick, she does everything for you, but you want to leave her and forget.” I argued with her, saying that there was no problem, because I would come. But my mother took it very harshly: she said that I was a bad daughter, everyone talks about how wonderful their daughters are, but all I do is study, and I can’t even talk normally with my mother. Then I just started crying from hopelessness, and my mother again started saying that I was spineless, that I couldn’t be allowed to go anywhere, because I even cry at home, and even more so in Moscow I would cry.

Mom controlled my every step, all my actions. For example, I was not allowed to spend the night with someone. Mom believed that this was a manifestation of poverty and there was no point in visiting friends when you had your own home. No one ever came to visit me; my mother was always against it. She hates guests and doesn't like to receive them, mine or dad's. At the same time, her relatives often came to us. But if dad’s relatives wanted to come to us, then everything is a block of the system, this cannot be allowed. And hers - at least every day.

I was constantly hiding things from my mother. Even a trip to the shopping center after school could cause a fit of rage. Or I really didn’t want to go to music school. And my mother left me no choice - “Go study.” I pretended to walk, but it was difficult because my mother took me straight to the gate. When she left, I went out and went for a walk or did what I wanted.

I couldn't buy myself something if she didn't like it. Even a prom dress. She deliberately said something bad, like “your thighs are so big in that dress, you look like a pig in it.” Even if I really liked something, I couldn’t afford it.

I understand that scandals happen in all families, but in my case it was not once every six months or once a month - it was like this all the time. Almost any action of mine could cause a barrage of curses and insults. And I had to put up with it in silence

About the reaction of relatives

At first, dad tried to fight and talk to mom. But she was very critical of it. Mom is generally a very strong person, and dad is a very weak one. It’s easy to drive him into a corner, it’s easy to say something, he’ll get offended and leave. Dad can’t answer anything, and mom used it and still uses it. In the last year, my parents divided the apartments so that when I was away, they could rent one out. But in the end this apartment turned into my father’s hideout. Dad came home, saw that my mother was arguing with me, and locked himself in another apartment.

When my older brother was growing up, my mother controlled him too. He understands me perfectly and covers me as best he can. My brother's arrival was like a breath of fresh air. He could easily have asked me to spend the night or that I not be home by 17:00, but come at least by 19:00-20:00, he could have persuaded her to buy something. At least somehow my mother listened to him. When my brother left and began to see his mother less often, she began to respect him. Therefore, during his visits, my brother tried to make my life easier.

About feelings

When I was little, I took quarrels very seriously. I thought that it was really my fault for something, since my mother was swearing. As I got older, I began to think about the injustice of what was happening. I understood that my mother could not cope with some problems at work or with her health and she took it out on the children. She is also a weak person.

This is not entirely correct, but I thought it was better this way than for her to blame herself for something. Better than if she does something to herself

I had hysterics, I cried, I wanted to move to live with my grandmother, but everything remained at the level of ideas. I understood that it would be even worse for me if I did this. I simply endured, accumulated resentment, hatred for something, and in the end it began to affect my physical health: in my teens I developed serious problems with my kidneys.

I tried to spend as little time at home as possible: I sat at school until late, came up with different courses. In all this time, I remember only one time when my mother came up to me and apologized, admitting that she had gone too far. She believed that if she was raised harshly, then my brother and I should be raised the same way.

From her stories, I now understand that absolutely everything comes from childhood.

Once I tried to talk to my mother, to explain that it was hard for me. But she always changed the conversation and said that it was all because she loved me very much: “You are my most beloved daughter, I am trying to do the best for you!”

About the consequences

This family situation taught me to enjoy very small things. People often say to me: “How can you be such a bigot?” But in fact, even the fact that I just came to school made me happy, the fact that the sun was shining made me happy.

If I have a conflict with some person or someone yells at me, I cannot ignore this situation and move on. I will definitely come over, clarify everything, and definitely apologize, even if it’s not my fault. It is important for me that we overcome this situation - I am ready to take the first step.

I also think that I am a very open and sociable person. As soon as the opportunity arose when my mother was not around, I tried to find new acquaintances. New place? I'll make a lot of friends. New school, university? I'll make friends, I can do it. Because of the ban on communication, maybe I learned to be sociable. It helped me cope with what was happening at home.

When you have friends, difficulties go through easier, you know that you are not alone, that there are people who will support you and listen to you.

Although, of course, I also developed negative traits. For example, I’m not used to showing character and saying if I don’t like something. I don’t know how to say “no” to people and because of this I take on a lot of things: often things that I wouldn’t like to do.

My mother’s perfectionistic demands have led to the fact that I am very afraid of hearing criticism and have a hard time accepting it. I can’t accept the fact that something doesn’t work out for me, and I make every effort to fix it, although I don’t need it.

There is also one thing that I am afraid to admit - I have low self-esteem. If someone praises me or tells me I'm good, I take it as an attempt to appease me. I don’t believe that he/she can talk about me like that, it’s unusual for me. I think that I still have a lot of disadvantages, that I am a complex person.

Once I managed to talk to a psychologist, and she said that with such qualities and such self-esteem, I am an ideal wife for an alcoholic or drug addict. Her words really hurt me: I don’t want such a life for myself, so now I’m working on myself.

In our society, it is generally accepted that if your parents are not alcoholics, not drug addicts and do not hit you on the head with a stool, then everything is fine

Just think, they’re insulting you, what’s wrong? But I categorically disagree with this opinion. Someone, like me, is lucky and gets over it. But some people can't. And this leads to serious consequences: a person becomes a social phobe, afraid of society and generally everyone who talks to him, not to mention psychiatric illnesses.

Advice

The most important thing I can advise is to break out from under the care of your parents and grow up as quickly as possible. The main task is to learn to arrange your own life, to learn independence, so that your parents have less control over you. It will be hard. You will always not have enough money for something, you will have to sacrifice your desires and time. You need to learn to live for yourself, and not for someone else. Your desires and dreams are yours alone. It seems to me that if you achieve success on your own, your parents will begin to be more tolerant of what you do and how you act.

Text: Anna Smirnova

Editor: Svetlana Kiseleva

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Causes of parental abuse

Victims of being raised by toxic parents believe that the reason for this behavior lies in themselves. They wonder: “What’s wrong with me?” They consider themselves bad and wrong children and are completely wrong.

The cause of abuse is the broken psyche of the parents themselves. It can be any personality disorder: narcissism, psychopathy, sociopathy, schizophrenia. Because of it, the parent is not able to adequately perceive the surrounding reality. What causes pain to a child is seen as love. And the victim’s attempts to hide or defend themselves look like a challenge to the abuser.

Most often, parents continue to use on their children the same parenting techniques that were used on them. It was then that their psyche began to change and led to a situation where the scenario was repeated.

It seems to them that children should a priori be obedient, so their own irritate and disappoint them with their incorrectness. At such moments, parents usually say to their children the phrases: “At your age, I was better, more obedient, more respectful of adults.” And behind these words lies not even regret, but envy of your child, because he should not be happier and freer than them.

Those who were victims of abuse as children are never fully able to grow up. Therefore, such a parent is not inclined to empathy and self-development, and therefore does not want to learn to use other parenting methods. He is not able to conduct a dialogue, give arguments for and against, because he is sure that only his opinion is correct.

The manifestation of infantilism is another typical feature of abusive parents. They are prone to resentment, shifting blame onto other people and being susceptible to other people's opinions.

What's the result?

As a result, children from such families, becoming adults, can live with destructive attitudes about themselves, about their role, about the role of loved ones, and in general a distorted view of the world. Reality is not their strong point.

What could it be? Here are just a few painful concepts that can shape both the position of the victim and abusive behavior, or both:

• I'm nothing
• Nobody needs me
• I'm offended by the whole world
• If not you, then you
• It's right that I suffer
• All people are scoundrels, so you need to be careful with them
• I'm helpless, I can't make decisions
• Anyone can betray at any time
• I do not know what I want
• There are rules in life and I make these rules.
• I'm not good enough. Always.
• Nobody loves me. Even if they love me, they still don't love me.
• I'm always abandoned

…And the list goes on

Signs of abusive parents

Abusive parents are presented as terrible tyrants with everything written all over their faces. But in most cases this is not the case. They love their children, but do not know that they can show their love in a different way without causing harm to the child’s psyche.

Such adults have at their disposal a whole range of the most sophisticated methods of influencing a child.

Physical abuse

Problems that can be solved with explanations, persuasion and persuasion are solved by toxic parents through physical actions. Spanking, slapping the head, pulling the arm is a less energy-consuming and more effective way to force a child to obey.

Rejection

This psychological method is also common among toxic parents. You can tell a child that if he does not obey, does not become what he should be, then he:

• they will be given to an orphanage, to the police, to strangers;
• they won’t take you to the theater, circus, or for a walk;
• will be replaced by someone else because he is not talented enough, smart enough, or even of the wrong gender, etc.

The child takes such phrases quite seriously, trusting the authority and correctness of the parent’s decisions. They hit self-esteem hard and make the idea that a child can be loved just like that seem mythical.

Ignoring

This method is used by parents who themselves experienced emotional cold in childhood. It is easier to frustrate and not notice the child’s desires and needs than to resolve complex issues and conflicts. In everyday life, an adult takes care of his child: feeds, clothes, treats, but does not show himself emotionally in any way: does not support, does not sympathize, does not strive to establish contact.

Overprotection

A controlling form of abuse: the parent is the only one who knows best what and how the child should do in childhood, and then in adulthood. For any violation and inconsistency, children must bear responsibility and punishment, and then obey the abuser even more so as not to make things worse.

Terrorization

This type of abuse is usually used by parents with a weakened psyche. They lash out at the child, express their anger, and then apologize and make amends. This causes an intrapersonal conflict for the victim, because it is impossible to guess when and why a kind and loving parent becomes a source of evil and a threat.

Blackmail

A common type of abuse because children easily believe everything their parents say. They can blackmail a child for any reason, even threatening suicide: “If you don’t answer calls, it means you don’t need a mother, you’ll be better off without me,” “Look at what you’re bringing me to.”

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a special form of psychological abuse that has a strong impact on the child’s psyche. The parent does not allow the victim to formulate his point of view, but imposes what is convenient for him: “Stop crying, it doesn’t hurt at all,” “It seemed to you that nothing like that happened,” “So what if you promised to buy a toy, you didn’t get out?” in his room, so he’s not worthy of it.”

Insulation

Limitation in communication with peers has a serious impact on the child’s psyche and social skills. Many abusive parents forbid their children to go for walks, play with classmates and friends, or leave the house for any mistake. It may even go so far as to take the child out of school for home schooling just to limit his social contacts.

Corruption

This includes not only acts of a sexual nature, but also permission to do things that are not permissible for a child. Drinking alcohol, smoking, using drugs, watching pornography, as well as cruelty to people and animals - children should not have to deal with this.

Exploitation

Some parents believe that children can easily cope with the same responsibilities as adults. Therefore, they begin to involve them in housework, caring for younger brothers and sisters, and assign financial responsibility to them. This can be not only coercion and persuasion, but also an agreement with the promise of rewards.

A child's help can be considered normal only when the responsibilities are age-appropriate and performed on his own initiative.

Abusive and sacrificial behavior - the reality is more complex

Talking about people only with abusive and only sacrificial behavior is a big simplification. In reality, everything is much more complicated. Very often these roles are blurred, people jump from the position of abuser to the position of victim and vice versa. Sometimes people change over time and don't even notice it. For example, a victim who has left a relationship may decide that there will be no more abusive relationships in her life, then she herself, unnoticed by herself, can become an abuser, simply by changing one familiar role to another. An abuser seeking redemption is capable of embarking on a path of completely unimaginable sacrifice, actually losing his own life, losing himself.

What to do if parents are abusers

It is important to note that there is always only one abuser in the family - the mother or father. The second spouse, like the child, is subject to violence, and therefore is not able to act as a defender.

It’s even worse when the victim spouse tries to please the abuser and begins to imitate his attitude towards the children. The child has to endure double violence.

Therefore, the victim has two options for the development of events: life in submission or work on oneself and liberation. This will require a lot of effort, time and courage. An adult child must realize that his life is the main value, and he can dispose of it as he pleases.

Stages of a victim's life with abusive parents:

1. The child is influenced by his parents and easily believes in their words and beliefs. This also applies to insults; children really begin to believe that they are bad, worthless, crooked, stupid, etc.
2. The victim realizes the atmosphere in which he had to spend his childhood, understands how much time has passed in blind faith to his parents and what the betrayal on their part was. This usually happens in adulthood.
3. An adult child frees himself from the thoughts and feelings imposed on him, is ready to break off communication with toxic parents and take responsibility for himself and his life.

Consequences of growing up in an abusive family

Growing up in families of toxic parents does not pass without leaving a trace; dependence on demands, reproaches and ambitions, and a critical attitude towards oneself can last a lifetime.

The most common consequences of such growing up:

• low self-esteem;
• lack of self-confidence and strength (lack of independence);
• negative self-perception;
• life in constant fear;
• self-blame for all failures (causes a lack of self-respect);
• feeling of helplessness and insignificance.

Having not received affection and care in childhood, a person comes to adulthood with the feeling that he is unworthy of love and the slightest sympathy. This leaves its mark on personal life. It either doesn’t work out at all, or it leads to the fact that the victim of abuse again falls under the influence of not the parent, but the partner.

If living with toxic parents has had such a strong impact on the psyche that a person is not ready to work through this topic, then he can repeat the scenario of abuse with his children.

How it works?

Here are just a few options:

Lack of attention

A child who has received little attention, who has not received enough parental love and care, who has not been taught to talk about what he wants and what he feels, may expect that same attention from his partner and may even believe that he should guess it desires. That is, what I didn’t receive from my parents. And be offended when this doesn't happen. Moreover, he cannot ask for this, it is unusual and it seems that if he asks for care and attention, it will be somehow unreal (for example, if he asks, he will look pathetic, which in turn he can mask with anger). Such resentment does not go away, even if the partner does everything in his power to pay attention. As a result, without speaking directly, an offended person will lash out at his partner, find fault with little things, and sometimes “explode,” accumulating irritation. This behavior is abusive, but the person exhibiting it will feel like a victim.

Conflicting messages

Parents can simultaneously tell the child that he is doing well and then that it is not he who is doing well, but other children from whom he should take an example, or by scolding him for a fight in the yard, demonstrate by their behavior that they are actually proud of him. Obviously, such “chatter” can cause anger, irritation, and self-doubt. In adulthood, a person may feel both significant and weak, dependent on other people’s opinions, and he may develop destructive ways of protecting himself from unfavorable external evaluations.

Here is another example on this topic. Parents may say that the child should be the best and, at the same time, that “sticking out” is bad and wrong. As a result, a person may experience a kind of paralysis in achieving goals, he may start out well, remembering that he must be the best, but as he rises higher, the “keep his head down” attitude kicks in and he never achieves anything important to him. yourself, feeling shame, guilt, anger at yourself and other negative reactions. This can easily give rise to both the behavior of the victim and the abuser.

Responsible for everything

From the parental family one can get an idea of ​​what a “correct” family should be and who is responsible for it. Therefore, a huge number of women (and, sometimes, men) continue to be in relationships with an abusive partner until the very end, taking responsibility for everything that happens in the relationship, for the safety of the family, and even for the partner’s bullying. That is, if a partner abuses a victim, then the victim deserves it. How else?

I'm betraying one of my parents

If in the family one of the parents was authoritarian, abusive, and the second was soft, sacrificial (it doesn’t matter which of them is the mother and which is the father), then the child (regardless of gender) can simultaneously sympathize with the second parent, but take the side of the first, simply because that it is safer. In the future, he may choose partners similar to the abusive parent, and at the same time endure rudeness and humiliation from them for a long time as compensation for the guilt for such a peculiar betrayal. Obviously, in such a parental family, the opposite type of behavior can develop, and more than one.

Ban on anger

Anger is able to protect us from the attacks of other people and is one of the conductors of our formation as an independent personality (within reasonable limits, of course). Remember the teenage riots, when teenagers finally separate from their parents. But parents don't like displays of anger. They don’t know what to do with it, they are afraid of losing control and very often they try to simply ban it - that is, they behave like authoritarian people. As a result, the child may decide for himself that anger is generally bad and good children should not be angry. As a result, as an adult and when meeting a person with abusive behavior, he has very few tools for self-defense, one of which is escape in the broadest sense.

If you need to express yourself, your needs, your boundaries, some aggression is required. And there are times when a person, even in close relationships, is “embarrassed” to express himself because he simply cannot allow healthy aggressiveness to show. It’s especially sad when it all works together when a person feels like a secondary figure, a background for his partner and nothing more.

Mystical Balance

It may seem to a person in a relationship that, for example, these relationships themselves are already a gift from some higher powers and if he suffers in these relationships, then this is correct and normal, this is the preservation of a certain balance. That is, this is not an accident, this is not the result of just one person meeting another, but a certain gift, which sometimes, alas, becomes a curse.

I love you suffocatingly

A person may believe that he and his partner are one whole, literally woven from two inferior halves. But he can consider himself a soul mate and only he needs this merger. He can, in a sense, “strangle” his partner with constant attention, control, the requirement to spend all the time together, and insults if something happens without him. Such behavior can well be interpreted as abusive, but it is needless to say that such an abuser himself may well consider his behavior natural and himself a victim in this relationship, since his chosen one may resist such a role.

My recommendations

In childhood, a person is not yet able to understand that he has become a victim of an abuser. As an adult, it is not only possible to understand this, but also necessary in order to feel your independence and begin to live life to the fullest.

1. Trust your feelings. If it seems that parents are stifling with their advice, care or prohibitions, then you should think about what is happening. Monitor your feelings by writing them down and analyzing them.
2. Remember that it is not your fault that you were treated this way. But the choice of further actions and responsibility for your life is yours.
3. Give yourself permission to be angry with your parents. You have every right to your emotions, and forgiveness should not become a suppression of feelings. Remember that anger can be not only negative, but also a good source of energy.
4. Keep your distance from abusers and do not develop conflict if you do not have the strength to deal with it. To get out of a toxic relationship, any method is suitable, even a complete break with your parents.
5. Constantly be interested in the topic of abuse, read sources, communicate with specialists. Analyze this information to develop awareness and look at the situation from the outside.