“I’ve had enough!”: what to do if a child talks about suicide

Photos: Depositphotos / Illustration: Yulia Zamzhitskaya

“I’m sick of everything,” “Leave me alone,” “I’m tired of this life”—these phrases from a teenager’s lips cause shock and misunderstanding among parents and teachers. Clinical and family psychologist, art therapist, teacher at IIST (Institute of Integrative Family Therapy) Anastasia Ilyina .

Some adults believe that the problems of adolescents in adolescence are insignificant and not worth their grief. But the level of sensitivity and resistance to stress is different for all children. When the emotional system cannot cope with everyday experiences, minors choose one of two maladaptive strategies - self-harm or suicidal behavior.

How can you tell if your child is feeling anxious?

Children who are afraid for their parents make statements with the following content: “Mom, will you be old too?”, “Mom, I don’t want you to grow old and die.”, “I want everyone I love, lived for a long, long time." If similar phrases begin to slip into the baby’s speech, it means that at the moment the child is rethinking his previous ideas about life . The kid is trying to accept reality as it is, without embellishment. This process is quite difficult. The child becomes whiny, sad, asks to be held, and demands the attention of the parents.

Children's interest in death

The topic of death not only frightens older preschoolers, but also arouses genuine interest in them. It first appears in a child by the age of four, when boys and girls simply begin to bombard adults with their questions: “Grandfather died?”, “Grandmother died?”, “Are you going to die?”, “Am I going to die too?”

A conversation with a child about death is inevitable, although in many nations it is considered taboo and frightens adults, who do not always have ready-made answers. But psychologists believe that it will be easier for a child to realize his fear and overcome it if his parents talk openly with him about this topic.

Causes of fear

The impetus for the development of serious feelings may be participation in the funeral of a close relative. The fact that a person is buried in the ground is very scary for children. The thought that the same fate will befall mom or dad is alarming. If a loved one has passed away after illness, you should not focus the child’s attention on this fact.

Preschool children are not able to recognize which disease is a minor illness and which can lead to death. Misunderstanding will lead to the child experiencing severe anxiety whenever the parents are unwell. In the same way, the baby will be panicky about his own illness. It is acceptable to tell a child that a person died of old age or from some very rare disease .

It also happens that the root of the worries is not concern for the lives of relatives, but the fear of being left alone. A child is a defenseless and helpless creature, so his need for the presence of loved ones is heightened. Even if a child does not understand his vulnerability, he feels it intuitively. This is the innate instinct of self-preservation. When asking questions about death, the child wants to hear in response confirmation that he will not be left alone and will be safe.

How to convince a teenager to get help

A minor may resist the help of specialists for several reasons:

• he is afraid and needs support;
• fears condemnation and ridicule;
• thinks that he will be immediately registered or put in a “psychiatric hospital”;
• considers himself a weakling for not being able to cope with the crisis himself.

Specialists exist precisely to solve issues related to their profile. For example, teeth are treated by a dentist, but mental discomfort is treated by a psychologist or psychiatrist, and this is completely normal. If you wish, you can visit the doctor together with your parents.

Sometimes the symptoms of suicidal behavior are obvious to others, but the teenager categorically does not want to make contact: for example, he begins to threaten that he will do something to himself immediately. Then you can’t wait: you may even have to call an ambulance.

When does a child not feel fear?

If the baby is not worried about his life or the life of his parents, then this may be a warning sign. A complete lack of anxiety indicates that the child either has low emotional sensitivity or there are serious problems in family relationships. The baby has nothing to worry about only when he will not lose anything with the death of his parent .

Children's emotions also become dulled if adults create the illusion of a world in which there is no reason to worry. In this way, parents try to protect their child from worries and do not want to traumatize the child’s psyche. However, if a child is mature enough to realize the inevitability of death, this topic should be discussed with him honestly.

There is no need to artificially slow down the process of rethinking the laws of nature. The biggest mistake is to assure a child that mom and dad will never die. Children of cheerful and optimistic parents may also not experience deep emotions.

Self-harming behavior

Self-harm, or self-harm (from the English self-harm), is inflicting harm on oneself in order to cope with experiences, painful memories and the inability to control one’s life. With the help of selfharm, teenagers:

• punish themselves for not meeting their own requirements or the requirements of adults;
• they try to feel “alive” with depression, because if it is not treated, there comes a moment when the feelings become so dull that even experiencing pain seems tempting;
• they want to try what it is, just like with cigarettes or alcohol;
• take steps to take their own life.

From a physiological point of view, self-harm brings a feeling of instant relief, but does not allow you to solve problems or get out of a crisis. In addition, adolescents and young adults who have a history of self-harm are at increased risk for suicide.

How to respond to adults

• Don't judge.
• Express your readiness to provide support.
• Find out the reason by listening to the child to the end, without interrupting.
• Show empathy.
• Explain the dangers of such behavior and consider the possible consequences.
• Discuss ways to get out of a painful situation.
• Suggest contacting a specialist.

Depending on the severity of the condition, the course of action differs. If self-harm has occurred once or twice, a heart-to-heart talk will likely be sufficient. But if a teenager injures himself after every bad grade at school or a quarrel with his parents, he needs to urgently contact a clinical psychologist or even a psychiatrist.

Parents are strictly prohibited

• Go to extremes. Panic and ignorance are equally harmful. Excessive emotionality will interfere with dialogue. Avoiding the problem will not solve it.
• Tight control. Constant inspections and the use of force not only humiliate the teenager, worsening his psychological state, but also lead to a complete loss of confidence.
• Make fun of and provoke. It is dangerous to assume that a teenager uses self-harm “to get attention” and openly talk to him about it.
• Devalue experiences. It is impossible to establish contact if you talk down to a child and reproach him for being unreasonable.

How to proceed?

You cannot ignore your child’s fears and answer his questions dismissively. If your baby starts talking about his experience, you should put everything aside and talk to him calmly. By voicing anxious thoughts, children gradually get rid of fear, so the child needs to speak out. The parent should let the baby know that he is safe, and as long as he needs it, mom and dad will be there.

A good method is to replace negative emotions with positive ones . Involve yourself in interesting activities and hobbies. You can spend more time in a close family circle. This way the child will develop a sense of family integrity, stability and security.

If your baby is too anxious, you need to invite him to draw his fear. After the drawing is ready, it must either be securely hidden or physically destroyed. This will become a symbol of victory over all experiences. A parent should remember that a preschool child should not take part in anyone's funeral. Observing the burial process and ritual actions very often becomes the cause of the development of various phobias, including the obsessive fear of death.

Fear of death in children

At the age of 5-8 years, children experience maximum fears, but all of them are somehow related to the fear of death. These are fears of attack, illness, darkness, fairy-tale characters, animals, the elements, fire, war, that is, those that pose a threat to life. The child makes an important discovery that everything has a beginning and an end. He begins to understand that people die, and that this can happen to himself and to his parents. Moreover, more often than not, children are more afraid of losing their parents than of their own death. Questions often arise: “How many years did my grandfather or grandmother live? What do people live for? Why did grandfather die? Where did it all come from? What should you do to avoid aging? Some children aged 5-7 years are often afraid of terrible dreams and death in their sleep.

Why does children fear death?

In the first years of life, a child has no concept of death. He considers everything that he sees around him to be animate and permanent. Starting from the age of 5, the child’s intellect develops rapidly, and primarily abstract thinking. Activity in the cognitive area also increases. The child begins to understand concepts such as time and space, and therefore understands that any life, including his, has an end and a beginning. Having made such a discovery, the child worries and worries about the future of himself and his loved ones, and is afraid of death in the present.

Are all children afraid of death?

In many countries, most children experience a fear of death at the age of 5-8. This fear is expressed differently in everyone, and it depends on individual characteristics, where and with whom the child lives, and what events occur at this stage in his life. The fear of death is more present in those preschoolers whose parents (one of them) or close people who lived nearby died. Also, a strong fear of death is observed in children who are often ill, do not have male influence - protection, and are emotionally - sensitive and impressionable. Moreover, girls are afraid much more often; they see nightmares at night more often, from the age of 5, than boys. But there are children who do not experience the fear of death. This happens when parents create an artificial world for the child and do not give him the slightest reason to feel that there is anything to be afraid of. Very often such children grow up indifferent; they not only are not afraid themselves, but also do not worry about others. Also, children from parents with chronic alcoholism do not have a feeling of fear of death. This is due to the fact that they have low emotional sensitivity, lack deep experiences, feelings are fleeting, interests are unstable. Sometimes the fear of death may be absent in children, without any deviations, whose parents are optimistic, cheerful, and self-confident. But still, the fear of death is inherent in most children of older preschool age. And this is evidence that the child has taken a step forward in his development. He will have to experience this fear, realize it as part of his life experience and process it with his consciousness by the age of 7-8 years. If the fear of death is not processed, it torments the child for a long time, distorts his will and emotions, interferes with communication and can contribute to the strengthening of many other fears. And the more fears we have, the less opportunities we have to realize ourselves, to be happy, to love and be loved, because “where there is fear, there is no place for love.”

What not to do?

Sometimes parents and relatives, without knowing it, harm the baby with their behavior, words, and actions. Instead of helping the child deal with the age-related fear of death, they make him even more afraid, place the burden of their unresolved problems on his fragile shoulders and neuroticize the child with all the ensuing unhappy consequences. To prevent the fear of death from taking on a chronic form and growing like a lush bouquet in the future, parents need to know what not to do:

1. Laugh or joke about his fears.

2. You cannot blame, much less scold and punish a child for being afraid.

3. Ignore children's fears, do not notice them. With such harsh behavior of parents, children are afraid to admit their fears and experiences, and subsequently there will be no trust between him and his parents.

4. Tell the child: “Don’t be afraid of this or that, we are not afraid of this, and you should be brave.” These words are empty for a child.

5. Explain to the child that a close relative died due to his illness. The child associates the words “death” and “illness” into one whole and begins to worry when he or his parents are sick.

6. Talk constantly about illness, about someone’s death, about the fact that an accident might happen to a child.

7. Instill in children that they can become infected with some disease and die.

8. Isolate the child from the outside world, take care of him, limit his independence.

9. Allow children to watch everything. Watch horror films in the children's room. Even if the child is sleeping and does not wake up, screams, moans and screams from the TV have an invisible effect on his psyche.

What's the best way to proceed?

1. Parents need to remember that children's fear is a signal to protect the child’s nervous system even more and this is a call for help.

2. Respectfully, without unnecessary anxiety and fixation, treats the child’s fear. Act as if you have known him for a long time and are not at all surprised by his fears.

3. Give the child more attention, affection, warmth. Calm him down, restore his peace of mind.

4. Create an environment in the house so that the child can talk about everything that worries him without embarrassment.

5. Distract the child from unpleasant feelings and experiences, fill his life with bright and interesting impressions, once again go to the theater, circus, concert, and visit attractions.

6. Expand the range of interests and contacts, since the more interests children have, the less they get stuck on their feelings, ideas and fears.

7. If one of the relatives has died, in any case this must be told to the child, but in the most correct form. The best excuse for death is old age or a very rare disease.

8. If possible, postpone operations to remove adenoids, do not send one to a sanatorium for a long time to “improve health” (during the period of fear of death).

9. Know that the child imitates his parents and may well be “infected” with adult anxieties: fear of dogs, thieves, lightning, airplanes, etc., i.e. gradually overcome your shortcomings and fears.

10. If you send your child to rest with relatives, ask them to adhere to your parenting methods.

Understanding the feelings and desires of children, their inner world, parents help the child cope with the fear of death and move to a higher level of mental development.

We all come from childhood.

Olya, who is known among her friends as a brave and strong woman, being a mother of two children, is terrified of the depths and does not know how to swim. On her last vacation at sea, she became dizzy with fear as she walked along the wooden pier to the ship and saw the waves below her. She does not enjoy riding a boat, a banana boat, or a scooter, but swims with the children in the paddling pool. Having analyzed her fear, she remembered that at the age of 6 she was vacationing with her grandmother in the village. At that time, a girl her age drowned in a shallow river, falling from a small bridge. For several days the village talked only about the drowned woman. Grandma took little Olya to the funeral. She doesn’t remember what Olga felt then, what the adults told her. I recently realized that this event had a traumatic impact on her psyche as a child and is the cause of panic in front of depth. She is going to learn to swim and does not want her fear of depth to be “inherited” to her children.

Dreams under the umbrella of Ole Lukoje.

Children at this age may experience nightmares. Often they are a symbolic protection against future death and its instinctive rejection. Parents need to know that 1-2 bad dreams per month should be regarded as the norm. But if “bad” dreams occur more often and are repeated, then the child needs attention and help. Children are more likely to have repeated nightmares if one of the parents experienced this in childhood. Also - in impressionable, insecure children and in children who have suffered psychological trauma, shocks, a trace of which manifests itself at night. Such children experience increasing anxiety before falling asleep and do not want to sleep. In this case, try using the Ole-Lukoe umbrella. Make a fabulous one out of an ordinary umbrella, paint it, glue on bright, beautiful applications made of paper or material. Tell or read the fairy tale about Olya Lukoy. When the child is getting ready for bed, open a “magic” umbrella over him and tell him that now the baby will see colorful dreams. You can also get rid of the fear of nightmares by drawing.

An artist conquering fear.

When a child, for various reasons, is very “fixated” (stuck) on the fear of death, drawing will help relieve his tension and anxiety. Almost all children aged 5 to 11 years old love to draw, choose their own themes and imagine what they imagine as vividly as if it were in reality. Through drawing, you can eliminate or ease fears that never happened, but were born from the child’s imagination. This also includes “horror stories” from nightmares and fears based on real traumatic events, but which happened quite a long time ago, but still worry the child. The child is asked to draw his fear on a piece of paper. If it turns out that there are a lot of fears, then the child draws one fear per lesson once a week or two. There is no need to tell the child that he will definitely get rid of fears. It’s better to say that this will help to overcome and conquer fear and that it doesn’t matter whether it is depicted well or poorly, the main thing is to draw it. The child should be given the opportunity to choose what to draw with: pencils, felt-tip pens, paints, but the latter are still preferable for preschoolers, as they allow you to make broad strokes. It is advisable for the child to complete the drawing independently. After the drawing is completed, ask in detail what is depicted on it. The more the child speaks, the better. Then let the child tear the drawing into small pieces, and offer him the choice of dealing with fear - burn the torn drawing or bury it in the ground. If after some time the baby needs to do this procedure again, fulfill his request. Watch his face, with what pleasure he tears apart and burns his fears! When drawing fears, you cannot ask a child to depict in his drawings the fear of his own death or his parents, as well as events that recently happened to the child: a dog bite, an earthquake, violence, etc. Parents are able to cope with children's fears themselves with the help of drawing, but it is better if a specialist works with the child, then the effect of the classes will be greater.

Fairytale therapy.

In order for a child to understand our explanations, we must speak to him in a simple and accessible language. Reading fairy tales together is another way when a child gains knowledge about the world and the system of relationships in it in an easy and interesting way. Fairy tales are one of the best means for finding answers to the questions that concern a child. “What is death? What happens to a person after death? Is the soul immortal? The child will learn about this and more when the parents read it aloud, and then they will certainly discuss Andersen’s fairy tales with him. “The Little Mermaid”, “Angel”, “The Little Match Girl”, “The Red Shoes”, “The Marsh King’s Daughter”, “The Girl Who Stepped on Bread”, “Something”, “Anne Lisbeth” - these tales touch on the theme of death . When you read Andersen, pay attention that the translator must be Anna Hansen. Anna Hansen was the first to translate Andersen for Russian children from the original, and not from secondary German editions, and besides, she was married to a Dane who in his youth knew the great storyteller and told her a lot about him. Andersen's fairy tales, translated after 1917, which we became acquainted with in childhood, were supposed to correspond to the ideology of that time, and sometimes have a completely different meaning and a different sound than what was intended by the author himself. Maybe, reading Hansen's translation of Andersen with your little one, you will discover his world of fairy tales for the second time, as happened with me.

Religious education.

Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh, recalling the Second World War, when he worked as a doctor, wrote that no one treated his death as calmly as Russian soldiers. He saw the reason for this in the deep roots of Orthodox education and culture, which the new Soviet government was unable to take away from people in just over 20 years. “Churched children have no fear of death,” the elder of one Moscow church told me. . When a child grows up in a religious family, where from the cradle he knows that there is no death, the soul is immortal, and God is love, there really is no place for the fear of death, but... provided that the parents wisely raise their children and do not force them to go to services , pray and scare hell. Whether or not to church children is a matter for everyone to decide for themselves. But it is good if the child receives the concept of God in the family, from the lips of his parents or, in extreme cases, from relatives. And the sooner the better. Getting ready to celebrate Easter, painting eggs, setting a festive table, telling your child about the Resurrection, you can already answer all the questions that concern him. Then the age-related fear of death will not be painful and will quickly pass. And another very important point: by telling your child from an early age about God, you can teach him to remember Him not only in difficult moments, but also in joyful ones.

DTD psychologist Tatyana Karniz

What after death

One of the questions often asked by a child of senior preschool age in a conversation is “What after death?” This is why parents begin to get lost. In a deeply religious family, they will tell you about the delights of the afterlife, while others shrug their shoulders or avoid answering.

There is no need to shy away or be nervous, psychologists say. Children will quickly feel anxious.

The best way to answer this question is to use metaphors and metaphorical stories. For example, that a good fairy or a good wizard gave a person, in addition to the body, something else called the soul. And the soul continues to live after death. She lives in the good deeds of the deceased, his actions and the memory of loved ones.

Fears based on the characteristics of the child’s personality and general well-being.

Excitable, vulnerable, sensitive and impressionable children, as well as those who are physically weakened, are all more susceptible to the above fears, so it is extremely important for parents to take this into account. This is where the answer to the question lies: why in the same situation one child is not afraid, and the other is simply shaking with fear

Here such puzzles as the child’s personality, his temperament, the stability and strength of the nervous system, his knowledge and past experience came together

This is where the answer lies to the question of why, in the same situation, one child is not afraid, while the other simply shakes with fear. Here such puzzles as the child’s personality, his temperament, the stability and strength of the nervous system, his knowledge base and past experience came together.

Methods for detecting children's fear

To identify children's fear, the following methods are used:

Questionnaire “Fears in Children” (for preschoolers, but preferably for younger schoolchildren). It does not resemble a sociological survey, since questions are asked to the child during the game and as if by the way. In this case, the question is asked in an even and calm voice; “Draw your fear” (method of A.I. Zakharov, preferable for preschoolers). The child is given sheets of A4 paper and markers or colored pencils. Then he is asked to draw what he is afraid of. After finishing drawing, the child is asked to explain what he drew.

The researcher pays attention not only to the number of fears drawn, but also to some features of the drawing - color scheme, pressure, nature of the strokes, scale of the image, etc.; Test "Fairy Tale" by Louise Duss. The test reveals the presence (absence) of children's fear and consists of 10 fairy tales, united by a common character with whom the child will identify himself.

Each fairy tale ends with a question to which the child must answer; A questionnaire to identify children's fears, developed by L. S. Akopyan, which consists of 18 questions divided into 7 blocks; Methodology “Fears in houses” by A. I. Zakharov (modified by M. A. Pamfilova). And a number of other techniques.

A.I. Zakharov recommended that parents organize a drawing at home of the child’s fears, which were identified by a psychologist.

Table 1. Drawing of children's fear at home (A. I. Zakharov)

Complications

The main complications of phobias are emotional disturbances and social maladjustment. As the obsessive fear progresses, the restrictive behavior spreads to cover a wide range of familiar situations. In an effort to maintain a comfortable state, the child (teenager) reduces and “simplified” everyday activities: refuses to walk in the park, streets with active traffic, does not show the initiative to communicate with peers, or participate in school events. In severe cases, the space is limited to the child's room and the constant presence of the parent is required. Associated emotional disorders include depression and anxiety.

Tips for parents

Parents' help in overcoming their anxiety lies not only in moral support for their child, but also in preparing his personality for social life

It is important to teach him a certain culture of behavior and interaction with others. The fact is that psychology is a versatile science, and all parents who want to raise a mentally healthy child should know its basics.

Therefore, it is important for every mother and father to take advantage of the following advice from psychologists:

1. It will be easier to deal with social fears if a teenager learns to make eye contact with people. Parents should remind their children of this more often, involving them in contact at home. It will be easier for the child to find contact with people in the future.
2. The different options for starting and ending a conversation should be explained. Systematic training (even in the form of a game), with greetings and farewells, will make the child more relaxed.
3. All conditions should be created for the child to have friends. Any unobtrusive help will be useful.

Psychologists also advise changing your attitude towards children.

A teenager may feel insecure due to the lack of the right to vote, the right to his own opinion and privacy.

Virtual death

In the modern world, any information is available even to a small child. Every home has the Internet and satellite television, which older preschoolers can quickly master. But not all the information received is useful for the development of a healthy child’s psyche.

Psychologists, teachers and doctors are big opponents of all kinds of “shooters” and violent films, which not only do not help to work through the fear of death, but also provoke many other unconscious fears.

When thinking about how to tell your child that life is not eternal and people die, try to remember your feelings, your emotions, how you yourself overcame the fear of death and what helped you overcome it. The sooner you talk to your child about his fear, the faster you will help him cope with it, the greater the chances that the baby will have the correct idea of ​​​​both life and death.