What to do if your child steals: advice from a social worker

Don't leave money in plain sight

Elena (38 years old): “I remember how, at the age of 7, I stole money from my mother for the first time. “Soyuzpechat” sold “overflow” calendars for 40 kopecks. I really wanted one like this. I would never dare to get into my mother's wallet. I remember walking around the apartment and collecting small change on the shelves, in pockets, and bags. I didn't think I was stealing. There was a very clear feeling that I was taking unnecessary money. The “necessary” ones, as it seemed to me then, were in my wallet. But I also understood that I was not doing well.”

So, here is the first parental mistake: do not leave money in sight, do not provoke the child.

Prevention of theft

To avoid unpleasant situations, it would be a good idea to engage in “crime prevention” and anticipate possible cases of theft. First, explain to your child that you should never take money without asking, not even a penny. The wording should be as simple as possible: this is theft, and theft is bad and shameful. Secondly, the child must understand that there is no way to do this unnoticed; they will look for money and find it.

If after a preliminary preventative conversation you have a desire to show your child that you trust him, then you can leave the money in plain sight. But the integrity of the amount must be monitored (naturally, in secret from the child!), so that your words do not run counter to reality. The first experience of impunity can play a negative role in the future.

Even if earlier, when there was not much choice in stores, children stole, then today, when any tray attracts a little person with the variety of goods offered, at prices ranging from 50 kopecks to infinity, it is not worth uncontrollably scattering coppers around the house, thereby giving the child the opportunity to take the first step - to take this “abandoned” money. A case from practice: 6-year-old Maxim’s mother constantly sent him to the bakery for bread, giving the exact amount for one loaf. When the child received change for the first time, he immediately spent it, without permission. When the mother asked why he spent these two rubles, the child began to deny it and say that he was not given change. He confessed only after a scandal and interrogation arranged by his parents. The next time he stole money from his grandmother. When asked why again, the child said that “you can’t go to your parents, they’ll fight.”

Our second mistake: you cannot scold and shame a child. If you cannot explain in an accessible form why stealing is wrong, then next time the child will do the same, but already realizing that he is doing wrong. All children are different, and it is difficult to give general rules of behavior for such situations. It is necessary to proceed from the individual characteristics of the child, because one will be most affected by mother’s tears, another needs a logical justification - “why it’s not good to do this,” and the third should receive serious punishment the first time. And only parents can see what is behind the child’s behavior in this case: misunderstanding, a desire to assert oneself in front of friends, or a desperate attempt to attract the attention of adults, which, unfortunately, is also often found in modern busy families.

Why do children who have everything steal?

Thefts are often committed by children from wealthy families who do not need anything. Why is this happening? The child wants to take a special place in the hierarchy of life, wants to stand out from the crowd, to show that he is significant, that he can be a leader. If the theft is a success and the thief is not found, the child feels powerful, “cool” - he has deceived everyone, he is smarter than everyone.

We must also take into account that our criminal world is now very romanticized in popular culture. Although, if you look at the past, you can also find an attitude towards crimes as something valiant. Let's remember the same Robin Hood - he is an ordinary robber, for whom it is normal to come and take away someone else's property. It’s convenient to give it away later and be known as generous! But he didn’t earn all this with sweat and blood, didn’t put in any work - so what right did he have to dispose of?

What can we say about modern culture, where lawbreakers very often become heroes! The child does not yet have a critical eye; he believes what he is told and believes that good at the cost of crime is normal. Moreover, a teenager who needs to find an excuse for his ugly actions, explain to himself and those around him that he is not bad, not a criminal, but a hero. In the criminal world in general there is such a feature: to romanticize what essentially should not be romanticized.

Value of money

In addition, you need to remember that for a child the amounts of 50 kopecks and 50 rubles often make no difference.
Not knowing the value of money, the child often does not realize the extent of the damage caused to the family, so the argument “you know that this is a huge amount” will not work on him. For example, when 5-year-old Mashenka, who regularly stole “iron” money from her parents and grandmother, was asked what she would choose: 10 coins of 10 kopecks or one large coin “5 rubles”, the girl answered without hesitation - 10 coins, Certainly! For the most part, children have an idea of ​​amount and value, but don't think that a child won't dare take the wad of money he's saving for his summer vacation. Ideally, the child should not even know where the family piggy bank is.

It may well happen that, not understanding the value of “pieces of paper,” your child will easily take these “candy wrappers” to kindergarten to play, as 6-year-old Vadim did. When my mother lamented at a psychologist’s appointment that she “would have understood if her son had taken a small amount but taken all the money out of the house,” she was hardly convinced that the child was not planning the “crime of the century.” Seeing how much his parents valued these pieces of paper, he decided to take them to the group. Vadim did not have a good relationship with children, and in this way he wanted to win the attention of his classmates and find friends.

Golden mean

When it comes to your child and material goods, try to find a middle ground. Understand that things like clothing and technology are very important to a teenager because they act as a way of demonstrating both individuality and membership in a particular group that is important to him. Don't give your teen everything he asks for, as this can make him feel entitled and lack respect for the property of others. Instead, allow your teen to earn the material goods of their choice through long periods of good behavior, or you can help them find a way to earn money on their own.

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Attention from others for money

Monitor your baby's social life so you don't miss any warning signs. Children often take money and things from home, buying the attention of those around them.

9-year-old Dasha could not make friends with anyone. This is a very common situation when an outcast is “selected” from a group of children with whom no one communicates. Children's desire for self-affirmation and attempts to rise above others can manifest themselves at a very early age. This cannot be called cruelty. This behavior is only one of the stages in the formation of one’s own “I”. So, no one was friends with Dasha, her parents were busy, the girl complained to her grandmother that there was no one to play with, to which the elderly woman reasonably remarked that “she doesn’t go to school to play, but to study.” And as a result, the child solved his problem himself: first, the girl stole an unknown amount from home (this became clear much later, when it came to the trial) and bought candy.

Saying it was her birthday, she treated the children all day and was the center of attention until the candy ran out. The next time she took her father's mobile phone, telling the class that it was given to her. The parents, having decided to carry out educational work, staged a public hearing in the class, as a result of which the girl received severe stress, which subsequently could not be cured for a long time, and the child had to be transferred to another school, since she flatly refused to go to that class. Among other things, due to the child’s nervousness, this also resulted in skin rashes.

A teenager steals: what to do?

If you discover that a teenager is stealing, the first thing you need to do is contact his family. Parents may not even suspect that such a disaster has happened near them. Previously, people around were not so indifferent to other people's children. Parents did not protect the personal boundaries of their children as zealously as they do now, and each neighbor could punish for an offense in the same way as the parents. Nowadays no one wants to get involved with other people’s children, because you might not only not receive support from your parents, but, on the contrary, you might end up in a very unpleasant conflict. Parents, shielding and protecting their children in every possible way, often simply destroy them, because crimes go unpunished, which leads to the exacerbation of the child’s criminal inclinations.

If parents do not react, you need to contact law enforcement agencies, because if a teenager grows up to be a professional thief, nothing good will come of it. What if these thefts lead to him having to defend himself and he injures another person? This is a different article, a different punishment, after which the fate of a teenager can follow a very sad scenario.

Don't make it public

So, another mistake: never make such incidents public. The child's psyche is too fragile for such tests. Even for an adult it is difficult to survive public shame. Previously, there was even a punishment when the criminal was chained to the “pillory.” Don't do this to your child. All issues should be resolved not by force (and certainly not by physical!) methods in a narrow family circle. Remember, if a child steals, then most likely this has nothing to do with the “bad genes” of his ancestors; most likely, this is evidence that there are problems in your family.

Either this is due to a lack of warmth and understanding on the part of the parents, or you have missed something in the child’s social life. The case of 6-year-old Ivan is noteworthy. The boy regularly stole money from his mother and hid it under the mattress. Mom, remaking the bed, found them every time and everything was repeated again: he stole, mom found. At the reception it turned out that the family was single-parent, there was no father, the mother was at work from morning to evening, the child was with a nanny. When he hid the money, he knew that his mother would find out and scold him. The child explained the situation like this: but my mother sits on my bed, talks, and then kisses me good night. “Talks” is trying to explain why stealing is not good. From further conversation it became clear that the child does not hear these explanations, he is simply provoking his mother to communicate with him.

Create a punishment that involves positive action.

You should not physically punish your child or try to shame him - this will only cause anger and discomfort. Focus on linking punishment with positive action. This will help your teen become more aware of the harm that stealing can have on relationships and begin to better value honesty. For example, if a child stole money from your bag, have him return everything stolen - he can work part-time or do household chores to earn this amount. By doing extra work around the house, it is easier to understand the consequences of the actions taken, so this method of punishment turns out to be very effective and at the same time beneficial.

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Explain clearly

More complex cases in situations with teenagers. 12-year-old Andrei started smoking. At first he stole cigarettes from his parents. When this was revealed, he promised that it would not happen again. And he really didn’t touch their cigarettes anymore. He stole money for cigarettes from his grandfather. And a lot at once, so that it lasts for a long time! Of course, in this situation there can be no question of addiction to tobacco. The child smoked occasionally to “keep up with the team.” In this situation, the parents chose the absolutely correct tactics. They not only explained to the child that this was not good, although at his age he already understood this perfectly well and committed a crime quite consciously. He worked off the stolen amount in his father’s store for a month and returned the money he earned to his grandfather. Andrey worked for one summer month, every day for several hours with the exception of weekends, and received a clear idea of ​​how much labor the stolen amount was equivalent to. Over the next 3 years, the incident never happened again.

Thus, there is no need to delve into the jungle of beautiful and pompous phrases. Children perceive visual explanations better and faster.

The most difficult situations in our time can be considered to be those involving teenagers over 14 years of age. These are mostly relapses, when a child caught stealing continues to steal. 16-year-old Kirill is addicted to slot machines. Starting with small amounts, he gradually raised the bar, and as a result, he managed to lose the money he had set aside for his trip to the south. This is despite the fact that his mother hid money from him after the first case of theft. Here we cannot say that the child does not understand the value of money. Each time he purposefully searched the apartment and found hiding places. In his defense, he said that he wanted to return everything after a big win. During the observation process, the facts of thefts were repeated many times, and as a result, it was necessary to resort to the help of not a psychologist, but a psychiatrist. The boy's mother, afraid of publicity, tried to hide her problems from everyone. As a result, the situation worsened. Unfortunately, neither the child nor the parents are able to cope with such addiction on their own.

Don't hope that everything will resolve itself. If you encounter such a problem, seek the help of a specialist. Do not aggravate the situation by constantly “debating” what happened. There is no need to scare a child that he will become a thief and go to prison. Thus, you can hammer this idea into him, as a result of which the child will form complexes.

Here's another example from practice. Nikita (13 years old) stole money from the school locker room. I asked to leave class to go to the toilet, ran to the wardrobe and rummaged through my pockets. As it turned out, the boy read the book “Timur and His Team,” which made a very strong impression on him. He decided to help older people in a modern way - with money. Since there was no extra money at home, the child began to steal.

The roots of all problems are in the family

The main problem that almost all parents face: when children grow up, they want to somehow distinguish themselves, to show themselves in society. How the child will do this, whether these attempts will involve cruelty or criminal acts, depends on the family. The biggest problems arise where parents devote little time and attention to their children. Mom and dad can be wealthy, earn good money and buy a lot of things for the child, take them to tutors, take them on vacation, provide a lot of modern gadgets, but do nothing in terms of education. This is a big problem, because everything listed should be in the second, or even tenth, plane. The first place in the life of every child should be the availability of parents with whom they can communicate and discuss their problems.

Parenting is not asking once a day: “How are you, how is school?” - it is involvement in the lives of children, it is when mom and dad are interested in all aspects of their lives. If this does not happen, then the child gets the feeling that he is not important in the world around him. From here he has a desire to become first in it in any way.

If a teenager does something bad, it is very important to find out what is going on in his family. If he sees that his father offends his mother, says insulting words to her, and the mother does not remain in debt and responds in kind, then what is surprising if he also shows cruelty and disrespect for adults! If dad comes home from work and tells how clever he is - he managed to carry a bag of nails past the master Uncle Vasya unnoticed - then the child will see this and understand that stealing is possible, moreover, it’s good, it’s necessary. The fact is that for every child, his parents are an example of how to live and act. Until children have learned to value the opinions of their friends (which necessarily happens in adolescence), the family is the main authority for them, which they will definitely rely on. If a child is prone to stealing, then first of all you need to pay attention to the family and figure out why he did this.

Find the reason for the theft

First of all, try to find out the reason that prompted the child to steal. The tactics of influence must be chosen depending on this reason.

And most importantly, be afraid to make mistakes! Even if you are 100% sure that it was your child who stole, simply because there is no one else, remember: if you are not caught, you are not a thief. If you did not witness the theft, never make unfounded accusations. Always give your child the opportunity to confess himself. Help him start talking about this topic, try to prevent the child from experiencing fear of punishment. And especially fear of you!

Germanova Elena consultant: Tabunova Lyubov, psychologist Article provided by the site “Mommies - a site for parents”